ON BOYS Podcast

Sports and masculinity have long been intertwined.

For a long time, boys and men were the only ones who were allowed to play sports. Athletic fields and locker rooms were seen as places where boys became men.

We’ve seen where that can lead. We’ve seen little boys & teenagers told to “man up!”, “rub some dirt on it” and play past the pain. We’ve heard “locker room talk” and know all about horrific hazing that has happened in some high school locker rooms. Each of us can probably name multiple top athletes who’ve been accused of sexual assault, domestic violence or murder.

And yet, in recent years, we’ve seen some pretty amazing examples of male athletes pushing back against stereotypical gender norms. 

"There's a long narrative around boys dominating the field and boys being trained to be men. And sport and athleticism was yet another arena in which boys and men could publicly demonstrate strength, domination, and power over other men," says Michael Kehler, PhD, Werklund Research Professor, Masculinities Studies at the University of Calgary. Sports, he says, has become another "bastion of the male elite" where boys and men "establish themselves within the hierarchy of masculinity."

Before signing your son up for a sport, you should "think carefully about why," Michael says. Why are you choosing sport over, say, other physical activities? And why are you choosing that particular sport? It is because your son has expressed an interest in the activity? Because you or his father played it? Because you want him to toughen up?

"We need to be award of the intentional ways in which we contribute to our children's understanding of gender through certain activities," he says.

It is most helpful to encourage our kids to try a wide variety of activities. "The more that our children have opportunities to try things and express themselves in different ways, then the healthier they're going to be in terms of their own well-being," Michael says, "because they see that they don't need to adhere to those fairly rigid (and what can be very damaging) scripts of masculinity."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michael discuss:

Why (& how) sports & masculinity are linked

How adult ideas about sport & masculinity influence the sports offer to little boys

Hierarchy of sports in the male world

Other physical activities for boys

Sports, popularity, & social currency

Helping boys understand that there are many ways to be a boy or man

How coaches affect boys' understanding of masculinity

Why male affection seems more welcome in sport than elsewhere

Body image and bodyshaming

How to tell if it's time to quit a sport

Masculinity and mental health

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Rule of Being a Man: If We Know Them, Why Don't We Change Them? -- Dr. Kehler's TEDx talk

Men & Boys Cry Too -- Building Boys post about incident mentioned at 4:39

How (Not) to Talk to Boys -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 21:32)

Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol

Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more

Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical 

Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs

Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your order

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, it's possible to have a kid and a life.

A life beyond babies, boys, and ballgames. A life that includes your hopes, dreams, and passions.

It's normal (and healthy) for your career, marriage, and friendships to shift and evolve when you become a parent. But you don't have to give your all to parenting. It's okay (and healthy!) to reserve some time and energy for yourself.

"As my son got older, all of my activities centered around what he did," says Ericka Souter, a journalist and author of How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide. "I realized that I was drowning in kid activities and I was unhappy about that. I felt like I needed to do something for myself."

That urge led her to interview other moms and begin writing her book. Reporting, researching, traveling and talking to others helped Erika feel whole again.

Of course, it's not easy to make time for yourself amidst the demands of family life. So, you'll have to let go of things that don't serve you.

"You have to give yourself permission to let go of people and activities that don't make you feel good," Ericka says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ericka discuss:

The "mom gene"

Making time for personal passions

How to make mom friends

Advocating for yourself

Why taking time for yourself is good for your kids

Taking back ownership of your body

Prioritizing time with your partner

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide -- Ericka's book

erikasouter.com -- Ericka's website

Discovery of the "Mom Gene" May Explain Why Some of Us Don't Crave Having Kids -- article by Ericka (mentioned at 6:45)

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol

Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

A new episode

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2021? 

Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels

The answers may surprise you!

5. Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen

By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to “man up” and that he “needed to be tougher.” Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play.

William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts..

If you liked this episode, you may like Sensitive Boys (w Sandy Gluckman)

4. The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys

Jen & Janet talk about Jen's first book, The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys!

“If you don’t express an openness or willingness to listen to your son’s viewpoint, he’s not going to listen to yours. Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don’t know what his daily experience is like. You don’t fully understand what’s happening in schools, what it’s like to be a kid today."

If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Tween & Teenage Boys

3. Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive

Many boys are stressed but don’t tell their parents because “they don’t want to hurt us,” Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren’t getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they’re really worried about “flunking life.”

It’s time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health.

If you liked this episode, you may like You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs

2. How to NOT Raise an A-Hole

Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes.

“It is definitely one of my big fears,” she says. “I don’t want to raise a kid that’s an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  – I’m trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn’t be part of their lives.”

If you liked this episode, you may like Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) 

1. Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang)

Boys today don’t even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for “sex” or “boobs” can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think.

“All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making,” Amy says. “If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.”

If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Sexually Active Boys

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical 

Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs

Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

ON BOYS listeners really want to know how to keep boys safe online.

Which makes sense, given that the internet is a portal to all kinds of free and easily accessible porn -- as well as conspiracy theories, disinformation, and peer pressure.

In January 2021, we asked our friend Amy Lang to help us address this question, and she did not disappoint. The resulting episode was so well-received that it became our most popular episode of 2021. Keeping Boys Safe Online has been downloaded more than 8,000 times!

(For context: That's 1,000 more downloads than our next most popular episode.)

A few highlights:

“All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.”

and

“I think it’s way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss:

Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think

How boys accidently encounter porn

Setting the stage to talk about sex

Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out?

Establishing family guidelines re internet usage

The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each)

How porn affects boys

Preparing boys for porn exposure

Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn

Keeping boys safe online

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: Next Gen Men

Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 15% off their Raising Next Gen Men course, designed for parents, educators, coaches, and youth workers who work with boys and believe in better possibilities for the next generation of men.

Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical 

Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs

Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we raise next gen men -- men who can thrive in the 21st century?

"When you're on a playground, you can't yell, 'Hey, Tommy, cut that hegemonic masculinity out!'" says Jake Stika, co-founder of Next Gen Men, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity. Parents, educators and boys need concrete, practical suggestions and assistance.

Talking to boys about consent, for example, is not enough. Today's tweens and teens understand the concept of consent and understand why it's important, but they need help figuring out how to apply consent in their personal relationships.

"They want to know, 'What do I actually say, that's not too awkward?'" says Jonathon Reed, youth program manager for Next Gen Men.

Boys also need and want to understand their role in the #MeToo era. Many have heard that they should listen to women and girls and want to know if they're allowed to talk as well.

"It's really benevolent sexism that we're perpetuating when we don't empower boys to be stakeholders, beneficiaries, and co-conspirators in conversations" about equality, the gender wage gap, childcare, and parenting, Stika says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Jake & Jonathon discuss:

Helping boys understand consent (and giving them words to use in real-life situations)

Creating space for boys to find solutions

How boys use humor

Gendered expectations

Gender equity

Benevolent sexism

Male-on-male violence

Why boys (all boys!) need people who see them, value them, & KNOW them

The difference between harm & abuse

Boys & anger (Did you know that trauma can manifest as anger?)

Metabolizing shame

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

NextGenMen website

Breaking the Boy Code -- our previous ON BOYS conversation with Jonathon

Raising Next Gen Men course -- use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15%

ON BOYS episodes featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 14:17)

Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode

We Will Not Cancel Us -- essay by Adrienne Brown (mentioned at 34:22)

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical 

Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs

Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi

#1 organizing app for families

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Jon Lasser believes we all have a role to play in expanding boys' opportunities.

The Man Box and Boy Code still limit and shape boys' behavior. And although there are plenty of books and TV shows that encourage girls to step past gendered boundaries, there are far fewer resources for boys and their parents.

"As a feminist dad, I found a lot of great resources for girls that showed them that they could be anyone they wanted to be. They could be strong and capable and powerful. But I didn't see a lot of resources for boys," says Dr. Jon, a school psychologist, psychology professor and dad of two adult daughters. He decided to address the issue by authoring a children's picture book entitled What Boys Do.

Our boys absorb so many unconscious messages about gender. As a child, Dr. Jon noticed the males and females of his family sorting themselves into separate rooms and activities after Thanksgiving dinner. The men went into the living room to watch football; the women talked while working together in the kitchen. Young Jon was more interested in the kitchen conversations.

"I wish I had had someone pulled me aside and say, 'It's okay to go where you're comfortable. It's okay to go where you can be you. You don't have to go where the Y chromosomes go,'" he says.

Parents, teachers, and caregivers also must make an effort to move past "our own preconceived notions of 'what boys like,'" Dr. Jon says, and to "celebrate what they like."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jon discuss:

Unconscious gender divisions in family gatherings

Supporting boys' interests

How children understand and learn about gender

Why some boys welcome therapy - and others resist it

The importance of FREEDOM and FUN

Discussing gender role stereotypes with boys

Gender role strain

The problem with "problematizing" teen's tendency to question authority

Books for boys

Using imaginative play to learn about & understand your son

Unconditional positive regard for boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

What Boys Do, by Dr. Jon Lasser -- Dr. Jon's picture book

My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 3:58)

"My Boy Can" Parenting -- earlier ON BOYS conversation with Sassy

Are You My Mother? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:35)

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:40)

The Paper Bag Princess -- book mentioned at 27:30

Tech Generation: Raising Balanced Kids in a Hyper-Connected World, by Mike Brooks & Dr. Jon Lasser (mentioned at 41:00)

Magination Press -- includes links to Dr. Jon's other picture books

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi

#1 organizing app for families

 

Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical 

Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs

Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jack Kammer says boys are affected by sexism too. 

Boys and girls who engage in the same exact behavior may be treated very differently. And yet, when we fail to acknowledge that fact, we contribute to the gaslighting of our boys. Because the truth is that males and females both experience advantages AND disadvantages related to their sex and gender. But while a lot of societal effort has been directed toward decreasing gender-related disadvantages that hold back females, little attention has been directed toward eliminating barriers commonly encountered by boys and men.

"For the past 60 years, we've done a pretty good job of making sure that girls have a lot of fluidity in the choices that they can make and the options they can pursue," says Kammer, author of Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World. "We don't do that so much for boys."

In fact, he says, when it comes to love, relationships, nurturing, and expression, today's prevailing narrative posits female superiority and male inferiority. As a result, too many boys and men (and girls & women) believe that males can't multi-task or competently care for young children.

"It was a very bad thing for our nation to waste all of the talent that women had to be good business people, lawyers, and scientists. It's really a bad thing for us to waste all of the love and nurturance, the desire to be fully human and helpful, that men feel," Kammer says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jack discuss:

Helping boys grapple with sexism

Advocating for boys in the classroom and on the playground

Recess and its importance for boys (& girls)

Fluidity for boys

How gender stereotypes harm boys & men

Shame's impact on boys

Empowering boys to delay sexual activity

Encouraging father involvement

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jackkammer.com -- Jack's website (includes links to his male-friendly podcasts)

Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World -- Jack's book

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates -- ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette (mentioned at 6:10)

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi

#1 organizing app for families

 

Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical 

Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs

Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Did you know that boys may be more susceptible to respiratory viruses than girls?

Society tells us that boys are strong and tough, but the truth is that males are biologically fragile -- from before birth all the way through to death. Male fetuses are more likely to be miscarried than female fetuses, especially during stressful times. Men tend to have weaker immune systems than women, and males are more susceptible to all kinds of viral respiratory illnesses, including the common cold, influenza respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), and COVID-19. Males who contract COVID-19 are more likely than females with the same illness to land in the hospital and develop complications.

Handwashing, plenty of sleep, fresh diet and a healthy diet can all bolster boys' immune systems. Given the amount of "crud" out there this time of year, you may want to take some extra steps to protect your son's respiratory health -- and minimize the number of sick days your family has this year!

Most respiratory viruses spread through the air. Infected people exhale the virus, which can linger in the air. Others in the area unknowingly inhale the virus -- and often become sick a few days later. Wearing a well-fitting mask in public places can dramatically decrease the chances of your son (and your family) contracting a respiratory illness.

"Nobody wants to wear a mask," says Jim Rathburn, CEO of of LCP Medical and a dad & grandfather of boys. "But societally, I think we have reached a new normal where wearing a mask is important in some situations."

Consider wearing masks:

At the grocery store

On public transportation

In school settings

At airports

"Those are high risk areas where you don't know if other people are infected or there's something floating around in the atmosphere," Jim says. "There's at least 100 different viruses out there that want to join your cells. Some of them are relatively benign and some of them are a huge threat to life.

"It doesn't take much just to wear a protective mask that can prevent you from getting something."

This episode is sponsored by LCP Medical.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jim discuss:

Boys' vulnerability to respiratory viruses

How respiratory viruses spread

How masks decrease transmission of respiratory viruses

Characteristics of effective masks

Why we're all increasingly susceptible to the common cold

Truth about parenting boys!

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Don't Want Your Kids to Wear a Mask in School? Do This. -- Building Boys post

Sick Day Survival -- classic Building Boys post

Why Are Americans Still -- Still! - Wearing Cloth Masks? -- Atlantic article (mentioned at 11:27)

Healthcare Providers Need Better than N95 -- Modern Healthcare article authored by Jim (mentioned at 15:05)

Flu Has Disappeared for More Than a Year -- Scientific American article discussed at 23:15

Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical 

Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs

Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Video game addiction

Google that term and you'll get 95 million results -- and the first one is for an addiction treatment center.

But is video game addiction really "a thing?" More importantly -- what can parents do if they think their kid's gaming is out of control?

Step one, says Chris Ferguson, a psychology professor and co-author of Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, is to figure out if technology & gaming "is really the culprit." Often, video games aren't the cause of obsessive behavior; rather, excessive or obsessive gaming can be a symptom of an underlying issue.

Depression, for instance, may be the root cause of obsessive gaming. And if that's the case, taking away a child's phone or video game system is unlikely to lead to positive changes. Instead, the child will become angry and resentful and his depression -- the thing that's fueling his desire for comfort and escape -- remains.

To most effectively parent tweens & teens, you have to first identify -- and then question -- your own fears and biases. Are you afraid that playing video video games will turn your son into a school shooter? Take heart -- research to date does not support a link between video game violence & real-world violence. (In fact, school shooters are less likely than their peers to play video games.) It also helps to remember moral panics of the past. (Did the rock music you listened to as a teen turn you into a Satanist? Probably not...)

In most cases, parents and children can work together to address problematic gaming. If you need professional help, look for a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in working with teenagers. Your child does not need  -- and probably won't benefit from -- working with an addiction specialist.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Chris discuss:

Why calling excessive gaming an "addiction" isn't helpful

How kids use gaming as a coping mechanism

Typical teen development (& how that may influence your son's use of games, and your perception of your son)

The link between parenting style, school stress & gaming

Why boys choose video gaming over homework & chores

Setting rules & boundaries for video games, screen time, homework & household chores

Moral panics, music & video games

Do video games negatively affect boys' perceptions of women?

Realistic expectations for parenting tween & teenage boys

Male development (note: guys tend to mature more slowly than their female counterparts)

Warning signs of video game "addiction"

What to do if you see technology overuse

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, by Patrick Markey & Chris Ferguson

christopherjferguson.com -- Chris' website

How the War on Video Games is Hurting Your Son -- Building Boys post

The Link Between Freedom and Video Games -- Building Boys post

The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: Practical Advice for Your Son's Formative Years, by Jennifer L.W. Fink -- Jen's book, mentioned at 17:24

How Madness Shaped History: An Eccentric Array of Maniacal Rulers, Raving Narcissists, and Psychotic Visionaries -- Chris' latest book

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi

#1 organizing app for families

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy