ON BOYS Podcast

Is your son musical? 

Yes, he is -- even if hates singing, doesn't play an instrument, and acts up in music class. Human beings are inherently musical creatures, according to Joan Koenig, author of The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole. In her book, Joan says that music:

Helps develop vital physical coordination

Fine-tunes our speech & hearing

Reinforces memory

Builds a practice of creative things

Creates pleasure & connection

Unfortunately, many of us adults, particularly in the Western world, have learned that music is for "musicians," when, in reality, we're all musical. Children naturally move to music. Cultures worldwide, across space and time, have used music to teach, connect, and express.

"Music engages more than words," Joan says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Joan discuss:

Why kids need to make music

How music helps kids develop essential skills

When (and how) to make music with your child

Why music should be part of school curriculum (spoiler alert: kids learn best via music & movement!)

How stereotypes affect boys' involvement in music

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole, by Joan Koenig

joankoenig.com -- Joan's website

How to Deal with a Troublemaker -- BuildingBoys blog post (mentioned at 18:45)

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If you attended Seth Perler's TEFOS summit -- The Executive Function Online Summit -- and want more info, you're in the right place. (And if you missed the summit, no worries! You can still access recordings, and you'll get a lot from this podcast episode as well.)

We first talked to Seth Perler about executive function in April 2021, and what he said was so foundational, so important for parents of boys with ADHD and other executive function challenges that we've decided to share it again. Some gems:

“If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing – and one thing only – and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.”

and

“You have to understand the experience these boys are having. They’ve been asked to do these things so many time and they’ve failed or it’s been ‘not good enough;’ they’ve been told to re-do it, or ‘you didn’t put your name on it” or ‘it’s late so you’re getting a zero’ so many times.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss:

What is executive function?

Why boys with executive function challenges don’t struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy

Why punishments & rewards aren’t effective motivation strategies

Establishing reasonable expectations

Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) “catch up”

When (& how) to reach out to your son’s teacher

How to deal with resistance

Why it’s OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B)

Exploring other educational options

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

sethperler.com — Seth’s website

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys – ON BOYS episode

Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck — TED talk

The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function — Seth’s video/blog post

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

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Amy Lang is our go-to sex ed expert.

She's a mom of a son and she's not afraid to talk frankly about sex, pornography, relationships and consent.

Our January 2021 conversation with Amy -- all about how keep boys safe online -- was so enlightening and informative that we've decided to run it again. Some gems:

“All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.”

and

“I think it’s way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss:

Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think

How boys accidently encounter porn

Setting the stage to talk about sex

Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out?

Establishing family guidelines re internet usage

The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each)

How porn affects boys

Preparing boys for porn exposure

Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn

Keeping boys safe online

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) – ON BOYS episode

http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  — Amy’s website

The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents — use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15%

Just Say This! – Amy’s podcast

Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy Lang

BREAKTHROUGH session w Janet

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Meghan Leahy is one of our favorite parenting experts.

Her advice is grounded in experience (she's got 3 kids and is a parenting columnist for the Washington Post), understanding (again: she's got 3 kids!), and compassion (like the rest of us, she's exhausted and overwhelmed). She's honest, engaging and an absolute hoot.

Her latest book, Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child, was published just over a year ago -- so we thought this would be a good time to re-visit our conversation with her, which we originally released in September 2020. (You know, just as most of us were freaking out over the beginning of a very unconventional school year.)

Some gems:

“I haven’t yet found a parent who’s really changed their parenting based on ‘studies say,' I’ve never told a parent, ‘Well, studies say if you don’t yell, your kid will be happier,’ and had the parent say, ‘oh my god, I didn’t know that! Now I’ll stop yelling.'”

and

 “Strategies are neither here nor there. One may work; one may not. But if the underpinning of compassionate, boundaried connection isn’t there, it doesn’t matter.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Meghan Leahy discuss:

The importance of connection

Learning to trust yourself

How modern culture has made parenting more difficult

Why it’s OK to not know what to do

What to do when your son doesn’t want to do an activity he once loved

Parenting during the pandemic

The link between kindness and resilience

Screen time (and why you need to look at your screen habits before tackling your kids’ screen time)

How to enjoy parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child — Meghan’s book

Meghan’s Washington Post On Parenting columns

mlparentcoach.com — Meghan’s website

How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode mentioned at 07:11

The Neufield Institute — courses, events and resources from Gordon Neufield, PhD (mentioned at 8:47)

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne and Kim Ross — book mentioned at 16:07

My Suddenly Sedentary Teen Seems Stuck. How Much Should I Push Him to Move? — Meghan’s column about the soccer player (mentioned at 17:24)

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

 

will you check the beginning to make sure it lines up okay?  thank you!!  and we should let her know it's going live, too...

 

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Yes, you can thrive with chronic illness and special needs.

In fact, you can create a Very Happy Story no matter what challenges you're dealing with on the home front.

Liza Blas, a mom of two, created the Very Happy Stories podcast and blog after realizing that her overwhelm was overwhelming her family. She also realized that not talking about her family's challenges -- ADHD, depression, chronic illness, anxiety, suicidal ideation -- was not helpful.

"As a mom, you have a tendency to put up a protective barrier and isolate," Blas says, often due to shame, embarrassment and fear of judgment. "But when you share your story, even with just one person, you're helping other people bring down walls. You provide validation and community. Nothing can connect you with another person better than storytelling."

She urges overwhelmed parents to practice self-care, which she describes as essential to gaining clarity. "You can't tap into your intuition when you've got your head in the sand," Liza says. "Trusting your gut requires you to be in the present moment."

Also important: breaks! Navigating the unknown -- an uncertain diagnosis or treatment plan or worldwide pandemic -- requires mental endurance. You simply cannot sustain focus, concentration and patience indefinitely. Take breaks, and then jump back in.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Liza discuss:

The power of storytelling to create connections and decreases stress

Parenting kids with special needs, including ADHD, depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorder and chronic illness

Discovering/realizing your child has special needs

Moving past shame, fear & denial

Self-care to gain clarity

Adapting your parenting playbook to your child

Finding your happiness

Managing grief

Developing mental endurance

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Very Happy Stories -- Liza's podcast & website

Let's Talk about Our Boys: Are Your Raising a Disrupter? -- Very Happy Stories episode featuring Janet & Jen

Boy Talk Blueprint — Janet’s guide to better conversations w your son!

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode

Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode

Depression and Anxiety in Boys -- ON BOYS episode

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What do you with troubled boys?

With boys who are failing school, sneaking off, and using substances? Boys who have resisted disciplinary efforts and redirection?

That's the question at the heart of Kenneth R. Rosen's latest book, Troubled: The Failed Promise of America's Behavioral Treatment Programs. There are no easy answers to that question but Ken's book makes one thing abundantly clear: sending your son away to a camp or program for troubled children probably won't help. In fact, sending troubled boys away may make things worse.

"I remember feeling so different, so lost, and so tossed aside by all the people that were supposed to mentor me and guide me through a very difficult time," Ken says, a former "troubled teen" who spent years in residential treatment programs.

By the time a boy's behavior is so disruptive that his parents and others are considering "sending him away," the family unit has likely been "broken for many, many years," says Ken. Lack of communication and lack of trust in parents and family are often the root causes that drive children toward alcohol, drugs and disruptive behavior.

Kids who aren't thriving (or, frankly, even meeting basic expectations) in traditional educational environments may require a different approach  -- but "different" doesn't have to mean boarding school or wilderness camp. Meeting kids' needs within their communities, while helping them (re)connect with family can be life-changing.

That kind of support, however, is rarely available. More available are educational consultants who funnel families toward (pricey) residential treatment centers, "camps," and "spas" that are presented as a "one-stop fix" for troubled children. That, Ken says, should be parents' first warning sign, as complex problems cannot be solved with a single solution.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ken discuss:

How gender stereotypes can negatively affect our parenting

Family dynamics' influence on kids' behavior

The need for community support of families and children

How too many boundaries can hinder kids

Why alternative education options are necessary

The power of listening

The problems with many wilderness and residential treatment programs (spoiler: many are not actually accredited)

Legislative efforts to regulate programs aimed at troubled kids and families

What to look for when considering behavior modification programs (and red-flags to watch for!)

The power of committed, non-judgmental love

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Troubled: The Failed Promise of America's Behavioral Treatment Programs -- Ken's book

kennethrrosen.com -- Ken's website

Traditional School Isn't Always the Way to Go, and I Wish My Parents Would Have Seen That Earlier -- Washington Post article by Ken

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

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When we become parents, someone really should hand us a book that details, exactly, how to NOT raise an a-hole. 

Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes.

"It is definitely one of my big fears," she says. "I don't want to raise a kid that's an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  - I'm trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn't be part of their lives."

But she knows there are no guarantees. And she starts her book by stating that babies are, almost by definition, a-holes. (Think about it: They scream when they need something. They don't care about your sleep or your needs or anything but their own comfort.)

"It is our job as parents to get the a-hole-y-ness out of them," Karen says. "We have 18 years. It is our job to send them out into the world in the best way possible."

We can do that by seizing random and ordinary moments. "Kids are like clay," Karen says. "Everything we do contributes to shaping them."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Karen discuss:

Parents' secret fear

Bullying

How parenting approaches evolve as kids grow

Teaching kids to be considerate

Seizing opportunities to teach values

Revisiting conversations

Teaching kids to be anti-racist

How to teach kids important lessons while being creative and fun

"Boys will be boys"

Resisting gender stereotypes & expectations

20 ways to make your kids more creative

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Mamas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids -- Karen's latest book

I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting -- Karen's first book

babysideburns.com -- Karen's blog

Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) -- ON BOYS episode

How to Raise a Decent Human Being -- classic BuildingBoys post

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Dr. Michele Borba knows how to help boys thrive.

She's a "boy mom" -- a mother of 3 grown sons, educational psychologist, and the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.

Many boys are stressed but don't tell their parents because "they don't want to hurt us," Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren't getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they're really worried about "flunking life."

It's time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health. The second step is to convince ourselves that it's possible to teach resilience. Then we can turn our attention to...

7 Character Strengths That Will Help Boys Thrive

These 7 teachable character strengths can help children thrive, Dr. Borba says  -- and inoculate them against peer pressure and bullying and allow them become peak performers in the classroom:

Confidence. You can build your son's confidence by focusing more on his strengths than his weaknesses.

Empathy. Boys may exhibit empathy differently than girls. They may take a more cognitive than emotional approach, and that's OK, Dr. Borba says.

Self-control. "Every boy I interviewed said, 'That's what we need!'" Dr. Borba says. But boys don't want only touchy-feeling stuff. They want to learn a repertoire of self-regulation techniques so they can choose what works for them in the moment.

Integrity. A boy needs a strong moral code so that "when peer pressure comes, he doesn't have to waver," Dr. Borba says.

Curiosity. "Thrivers are  open to ideas and possibilities, so when a problem comes -- and it will -- they don't quit; they brainstorm," Dr. Borba says.

Perseverance, or the ability to keep going, even without external rewards.

Optimism. Boys need to be solidly grounded in reality, but they also need to know how to find the silver lining.

Adding two or more of these skills together amplifies their impact, Dr. Borba says. (In other words: your son doesn't need all 7 character strengths to thrive!)

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Borba discuss:

What kids think parents should focus on

The disconnect between many parenting book & what science has discovered about raising resilient, capable humans

3 things that help kids thrive in spite of adversity

7 characters strengths that help boys thrive

How hobbies help boys

Identifying your son's interests

How to tell if your son's video game use if problematic or healthy

How to NOT hinder your son's interests

Redirecting pessimistic thoughts

Instilling hope

Empowering boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

micheleborba.com -- Dr. Borba's website

Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine  -- Dr. Borba's latest book

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide -- ON BOYS episode featuring Katey McPherson (mentioned at 11:26)

Dr. Phil episode featuring Dr. Borba & Thrivers

Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey -- ON BOYS episode

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 22:32

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

 

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Ever wished you had a guide to raising boys?

A manual you can consult when your tween son confuses and frustrates you?

Now, one exists -- and it's Jen's first book!

The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: A Practical Guide to Your Son's Formative Years, by Jennifer L.W. Fink, was released on July 6, 2021. It's a handbook that's intended to help moms navigating the tween years (approximately ages 8-12) for the very first time. Janet says Jen "interprets a complex subject in a way that's wise, fun & reassuring."

This book helps moms (& dads) understand male development and the challenges boys face in the world, and then teaches them skills and strategies they can use as they parent their tween sons. Listening, Jen says, is key.

"If you don't express an openness or willingness to listen to your son's viewpoint, he's not going to listen to yours," she says. "Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don't know what his daily experience is like. You don't fully understand what's happening in schools, what it's like to be a kid today.

If you can remain open and curious to each other's perspective, you can learn from each other."

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

The unique skillset required to parent boys

Why the tween years are so challenging for moms

"Unlearning" parenting

How our childhood experiences affect our parenting

Talking about tough subjects with your son, including divorce, relationship conflict, addiction, mental illness, racism & violence

The importance of intergenerational relationships

Prioritizing mental health

When to worry

Boys' experience of shame & embarrassment

Helping a boy expressing self-hatred

Preparing boys to handle sexual pressure

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys -- Jen's first book

Top 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys -- classic BuildingBoys post

The Inside Scoop on Parenting Tween Boys -- a very early conversation between Jen & Janet

Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- Building Boys post that includes the deodorant-in-freezer pic mentioned at 7:08

Addiction Inoculation with Jessica Lahey -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 15:42

How to Raise a Feminist Son with Sonora Jha -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 17:23

Sponsor Spotlight: Prisma

Prisma is an innovative online school for 4-8th graders who want an education tailored to their interests, abilities, and goals for the future. Fall registration is going on NOW.

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Parenting a child with ADHD or neurodivergence can be challenging. Especially if you're also neurodivergent.

"When my youngest son was about 3 weeks old, he started crying and it really never stopped," says Rachel Blatt, co-host of the podcast Constant Chaos. At first, they thought it was colic, but visits to multiple gastrointestinal specialists didn't help. When he wasn't yet talking (at all) at age 2, "a wonderful teacher" suggested having the child evaluated. The family schedule an appointment -- and felt a "huge sense of relief" when the evaluator told them, "there something going on here." At age 4, Rachel's son was diagnosed with ADHD. Soon after, Rachel realized her older son exhibited ADHD symptoms as well. And eventually, she was diagnosed with ADHD as well.

Parenting books did not prepare her for the experience of parenting her children. "You're supposed to stay calm," Rachel says -- but that's not easy to do when your boys are on the roof!

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Rachel discuss:

ADHD symptoms -- & how they can look different even in people within the same family

The value of friends with kids just a little older than yours

Figuring out what to worry about

When to "drop the rope" in the tug-o-war with your kids

ADHD & video game addiction

Adjusting expectations

The value of structure for individuals with ADHD

Self-care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Constant Chaos podcast

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, by Dr. Ross Greene -- book mentioned at 30:36

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode

The Boy Talk Blueprint -- Janet's proven system to help you communicate with your son

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