ON BOYS Podcast

You may wonder, how do you raise a feminist son?

Or you might be wondering, WHY would you raise a feminist son? 

What if we phrased it this way: How do you raise boys who respect and value all humans?

"The word feminist, all over the world, has taken on so many definitions and meanings," says Sonora Jha, author of How to Raise a Feminist Son. "To me, the best definition is still Gloria Steinem's: Feminism is the radical idea that women are people too." It is the idea that all humans are worthy of respect, coupled with recognition of the fact that not all humans are afforded respect yet.

Welcome Media into Your Home - and "Gossip" Over It

"Feminism for a boy growing into a man means recognizing those things and committing to changing them," Sonora says. It does not mean restricting his access to media or telling him what to think. Quite the contrary: Sonora, a media professor, invited all kinds of media into her family's home, treating media like a "cool aunt or uncle," and "gossiping" over it.

She allowed her son to play Grand Theft Auto, a videogame some decry as overly violent and misogynistic, because her son talked about the game with her and recognized sexist tropes, largely because the mother/son duo had already spent years discussing media portrayals of men and women.

Facilitate Family Connections

Similarly, you can facilitate family connections without endorsing sexist or racist comments, actions, or beliefs. "You can say something like, 'I love Grandpa, but I don't love all the things he says,'" Sonora says, noting that family relationships (and humans!) are complex.

Our boys are complex & growing humans too, so less-than-ideal behavior is assured. Your son will occasionally behave in hurtful or harmful ways, and he will not always appreciate your redirection. As Sonora wrote in her book, "Trying to insert the notion of error, or wrongness, of failure into the cocksureness demanded from young men is like asking a bull to sit down at a tea party after waiving a red cape in its face.” 

Give your boys grace. Give some to yourself as well. And remember that teaching your son to recognize and dismantle sexist structures is beneficial for all.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sonora discuss:

The definition of feminism

Raising boys who recognize privilege

Using stories & fairytales to expand kids' understanding of gender

How to welcome media into your family -- & then use it to connect with and teach your son

Creating family connections despite differing family & cultural beliefs

Talking to sons about your own #MeToo moments

Discussing consent with boys

How feminism helps boys & men

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Feminist Son: Motherhood, Masculinity, and the Making of My Family -- Sonora's book

sonorajha.com -- Sonora's website

Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller, mentioned at 35:21

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post (with additional info re 14-year-old boys)

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Do you have a highly sensitive boy?

Perhaps your son has been called "too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Maybe he is easily overwhelmed, especially when he's surrounded by a lot of sensory stimuli. 

Approximately 10% of all males are thought to be highly sensitive -- and often, others imply that they aren't "man enough." In a culture that's long valued stoicism in males, sensitivity is seen as a a liability. Except...emotional intelligence -- the ability to identify and process emotions -- is now recognized as key to human happiness, healthy relationships and even exemplary performance in the workplace.

By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to "man up" and that he "needed to be tougher." Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play.

William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts. "As a parent, you're a trusted figure," he says. "You really don't know if an internal belief is true unless you're able to test it in the real world," William says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & William discuss:

Characteristics of highly sensitive people

The effect of criticism only highly sensitive boys

Helping sensitive boys externalize thoughts and test ideas

Positive attributes associated with high sensitivity

Why highly sensitive boys are prone to overwhelm, temper tantrums and meltdowns

The link between sensitivity & empathy

Creating a calm environment for your sensitive child

Expanding the definition of masculinity to make space for sensitive boys & men

Highly sensitive heroes

Helping sensitive boys deal w peer pressure

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Highly Sensitive Person -- website recommended at 12:07

Confessions of a Sensitive Man: An Unconventional Defense of Sensitive Men, by William Allen

The Sensitive Man -- William's blog

Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode

You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias & Sensitive Boys  -- ON BOYS listener Q & A

Shameless -- TV show mentioned by Jen at 17:17

Outlander - TV show mentioned by William at 28:00

Why I Want My Boys to be Just Like Pa -- classic Building Boys post referencing Pa Ingalls, a highly sensitive man (at least as portrayed by Michael Landon!)

Sponsor Spotlight: Prisma

Prisma is an innovative online school for 4-8th graders who want an education tailored to their interests, abilities, and goals for the future. Fall registration is going on NOW.

 

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Like us, Teacher Tom is concerned about how we raise our boys.

"In our culture, we have a society where men are lonely, men have higher suicide rates and men are more prone to violence, and sexual abuse. And I don't think that's in the nature of men. I think it's somehow in the nature of how we're raising men," says Tom Hobson, aka "Teacher Tom," a preschool teacher at Woodland Park Cooperative Schools.

"A big piece of it -- and huge piece of it -- is around emotions." The only negative emotion males are allowed in society, he says, is anger. Boys as young as 4 and 5 begin walling off their emotions. "We treat boys and girls differently, and we treat their emotions differently," Tom says. "We need to let them know that whatever they feel, it's OK to feel that."

Of course, giving kids time and space to experience their emotions isn't always easy when you're being pulled in a thousand different directions.

Whenever possible, though, Tom suggests prioritizing the people who need support with their emotions. Allowing wrestling and roughhousing can also help boys manage their emotions and friendships. "Wrestling can be an act of love between boys," Tom says, noting that many adults (especially women) misunderstand boys' motives and stop what they view as aggression. "It you watch two boys wrestling, most of the time, they are paying such close attention to each other, to one another's bodies and facial expressions. Half the time, they're looking into each other's eyes as they're wrestling, and it is a beautiful thing to see."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tom discuss: Males in early childhood education; The influence of gender expectations on emotional development; Helping boys deal with emotions; Societal changes that have made it difficult for families to thrive; ("We've made parenting unnecessarily difficult," Tom says.) The role of bickering in boys' development; Creating a "yes space" in your house; Boys' friendships; What female teachers & parents misunderstand about boys, wrestling & roughhousing; Agreements vs rules; Why you have to give boys time to respond; Teaching boys consent; Encouraging curiosity, wonder & questioning; Loose parts play

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Having sons forced Tosha Schore to reevaluate everything she knew about boys.

Schore, the daughter of a single mom, grew up stepped in the women's movement. As a  child, she attended marches and rallies for women's rights and, in college, she majored in Women's Studies. She was pregnant with her first child and sidelined with a bout of nausea when a startling thought popped into her head: What if I have a boy?

The thought was "terrifying," Tosha said, noting that "it never even occurred" to her, before that moment, that she might have a son.

After her son was born, Tosha was determined to be a strong advocate for him. And that, she knew, would require some learning.

"I realized I was going to have to revisit some of the feminist ideology I was coming from because as much as I believe in it -- and still believe in it -- the ideology that I internalized painted boys and men as the 'other' and 'the bad guy,'" Tosha says. She soon realized that "boys get treated a certain way because of their perceived gender," just a girls do.

"it's not fair to ignore that just because males, as they grow, still tend to hold more positions of power," Tosha says, noting that boys struggle in school. "I'm excited that we women have gained ground, but we're losing the boys along the way, and we're losing the men along the way.

I think of feminism as bringing some equality to family systems. But that has not been what's happened in recent years.

We get to raise boys differently."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tosha discuss:

How feminism fuels Tosha's advocacy for boys

Male gender expectations and stereotypes

Boys' struggles in education

Finding balance in family systems

Making room for dad

Cultural influences on gender expectations and experiences

Why your son needs female friends

Boys & aggression

Raising boys who can feel & express emotions

Separating behavior from personality

Getting to the root of your fear regarding your son's behavior

Listening as a powerful tool for healing

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

toshaschore.com -- Tosha's website

Boy Talk Blueprint — Janet’s guide to better conversations w your son!

Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges, by Patty Whipfler & Tosha Schore (book mentioned at 27:43)

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Steve Biddulph is a legendary parenting educator.

He's the author of  The Secrets of Happy Children, Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men, and The New Manhood, among others. His latest book, Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind, isn't about child-rearing, though. It's a simple, working manual for being  human.

"I wanted to write something that was a culmination of a lifetime of working with people," Steve says, noting that he also learned a lot while writing the book.

He uses the metaphor of a 4-story mansion to explain the human experience: "Most people just live on a couple of floors," he says, "and they might complain about the accommodations. But there might be a really great ground floor that you haven't checked out -- that's your intuitive sense in your body -- and a fantastic roof garden that's open to the sky and stars, and that's our spirituality."

Our bodies are intimately connected to our brains, and our bodies, like those of other wild creatures, can sense and respond to all kinds of stimuli. "There's a wild creature that lives inside you," Steve says. "We haven't lost any of the abilities of the eagle or the brown bear or salmon swimming upstream." We need to learn to heed and act on our supersense and intuition.

A wise mama who was aware of this connection told her teenage that "sometimes our body sends us messages when our brain and our heart are in a complete spin, and our body knows what is right or wrong for us." Those words helped her teen make a wise choice, and they can help you as you confront the challenges of parenting as well.

In this episode, Janet & Steve discuss:

What is a human being?

The brain and body's ability to take in lots of info & process it -- and how learning to listen to our bodies will help us live fuller lives

Our "supersense"

Learning to listen to your body

The root of self-esteem

The power of emotions

Why conversations with your kids are so important

How wonder, awe & nature help us modulate our emotions

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online home

Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind by Steve Biddulph -- Steve's new book

Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode

Building Boys Bulletin -- Jen's subscription newsletter

Boy Talk Blueprint -- Janet's guide to better conversations w your son!

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Is future-focused parenting the key to raising adults?

Yes, says Deana Thayer and Kira Dorrian, parent coaches and co-hosts of the Raising Adults podcast.

"It's not about raising boys; it's about raising men," Kira says. "Who are these men we want our boys to become? How do we want them to walk through the world, and what do we have to be doing right now to foster that?"

Future-focused parenting, Deana says, helps parents "make the decision that's best, rather than the one that's easy." It's a thoughtful, deliberate approach to parenting vs the all-too-common reactive approach utilized by many parents.

The 3 pillars of future focused parenting are:

Parent from a strong "why." Boil your "why" down to a word or short phrase, if you can. (Deana is working to "raise adults who are people of character and integrity." Kira is aiming for "mentally healthy and happy" adults.)

Get clear on your family's personal set of values. There's no right or wrong here; every family's list will be different. Aim to identify 5-10 values that will really matter in your home. (Kira's list includes "empathy.") Post the list in a public place and parent toward them.

Take a proactive approach. Understanding child development & the milestones ahead helps you prepare. You can also "rehearse" challenging situations to help them develop the skills they'll need to navigate those situations. ("When we give our kids a chance to practice, they are so much more likely to meet our expectations," Kira says.)

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Deana & Kira discuss:

Leading with your vocabulary (how what you say impacts what you do)

Why you might not want to call your son your "little man"

Breaking free of harmful family patterns

The 3 pillars of future focused parenting

Blended families & co-parenting (yes, you can be a future-focused parent, even if your ex isn't)

Adapting future-focused parenting to older kids

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Future Focused Parenting -- Deana & Kira's website

Raising Adults podcast

bit.ly/raisingadults -- link to get the FREE video & 12 months of character building support

How to Raise a Decent Human Being -- classic Building Boys post

Putting Your Boys on Their Best Path for Success in Adulthood -- Building Boys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

 

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School + nature = forest schools

Image: Laine Photos and Film

"A forest school is holistic education outdoors in nature," says Nicki Farrell, co-founder of Wildings Forest School in Queensland, Australia. Learning doesn't typically follow set curriculum; rather, it's child-led. Education is individualized and play-based and includes plenty of movement.

The kids who struggle the most in traditional schools -- wiggly, can't sit still, can't focus -- are often those who thrive in nature. "Children are meant to be experimenting and testing their bodies, learning how far they can push their bodies," Nicki says. "They can't do that, frankly, without free play."

Unfortunately, ours is a risk-adverse culture. Many children spend 95% of their time supervised, and adults often quash kids' initiative. "There's too many adults in our cultures now that say, 'be careful, don't do that, that's too risky, stop that' because they are putting their own concerns on the risky play, rather than letting a child experiment," Nicki says. And that can negatively impact child development.

"We know that boys, in particular, that self-worth is what brings out self-confidence, and they're constantly seeking self-worth -- and that can be in minute tasks," Nicki says. "But those really basic life skills, if you've got those -- if you know how to light a fire and you know how to build shelter and find water -- then they know they can survive anywhere, and that is a deep, deep sense of self-worth."

In this episode, Janet & Nicki discuss:

What is a forest school?

Why & how kids of all ages can benefit from this approach to education

The value of risk

Building self-worth & self-confidence via survival skills confidence

How having her own boys caused Nicki to question everything she knew about education

The benefits of forest school for kids with ADHD, autism and sensory disorders

Why behavior issues at forest school are almost non-existent (Hint: it has NOTHING to do with self-selection!)

The history of forest schools

Getting comfortable in nature if you don't have much nature experience

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Wildings Forest School

Richard Louv on Animals, Nature & Boys -- ON BOYS episode

Camping with Kids -- classic BuildingBoys blog post

FREE Breakthrough Session w Janet -- parenting help!

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Males represent 25-40% of individuals with eating disorders.

That’s not something people tell us when our boys are babies, and it’s not something most pediatricians mention at well-child checks -- despite the fact that males are at a higher risk of dying from an eating disorder than females.

"We have this notion that only a certain type of a person gets an eating disorder," says Oona Hanson, a parent coach and Family Mentor at Equip, an eating disorder program. But that's simply not true. People of all ages, races, backgrounds and genders can develop disordered eating or exercise habits. Unfortunately, because anorexia and bulimia have been stereotypes as "white girl diseases," boys who develop an eating disorder "are even less likely to speak up about it," Oona says.

Like girls and women, boys and men face a lot of pressure to look a certain way. They are assaulted daily with images and messaging which implies that "real guys" are buff, strong, lean and muscular. Some turn to supplements, excessive exercise and disordered eating in an attempt to reshape their body.

Symptoms of an eating disorder may include:

Turning away once-favorite foods

Obsessively reading food labels

Attempts to manipulate body size, weight or muscle mass via food restriction or obsessive exercise

"Sneaky" eating or eating in secret

If you see possible signs of an eating disorder, "get curious," Oona says. Talk to your son about what you see. Listen to his answers. If needed, reach out to his pediatrician, family doctor or an eating disorders professional.

Oona Hanson, Family Mentor with Equip eating disorder program

In this episode, Jen & Oona discuss:

Diet culture

Boys & body image

Weight stigma & anti-fat bias

Helping boys decipher information about nutrition, diets and supplements

How building boys' media literacy can improve their health as well

Bigorexia

What to do if you think your son might have an eating disorder

How parents can unwittingly set their kids up for unhealthy eating habits - & what to do instead

Boys' appetite & body development during puberty

How ADHD meds interfere with hunger cues and eating

Intuitive eating

Why you should not restrict your son's access to Halloween candy

Finding a healthcare provider who can help your son

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

OonaHanson.com -- Oona's website

Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode

Teen Boys Eat A Lot - classic Building Boys post

Male Eating Disorders are Often Underdiagnosed - and Dangerous -- Tulsa Kids article

Need Help? Check out these sites:

National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)

Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (MEDA)

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD)

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Can you prevent addiction? Or alcoholism? 

After all, no one dreams of taking their son to rehab. Or arguing with him, repeatedly, about his use of pot, alcohol or meth.

When our babies are little, we tell ourselves that if we do everything right, our sons can avoid alcoholism and addiction. But that’s simply not true. 

24% of 8th graders have had at least 1 drink by 8th grade. -- and about 50% of those drink heavily. Boys may be particularly at risk: according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, children who struggle in school when they are between ages 7-9 are more likely to be using addictive substances by age 14 or 15.  

Genetics account for approximately 50-60% of an individual's risk of developing a substance use disorder. But no matter your sons' genetic legacy, the positive parenting strategies you use to help your son thrive can also protect him from substance use disorder.

"Genetics is not destiny," says Jessica Lahey, author of The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence . "What I want people to understand is that if we know the risks, and are really clear-eyed about the risks, we can more specifically target our prevention."

Inoculation theory, Jessica says, tells us that teaching our kids, empowering them, and building their self-efficacy skills can effectively decrease their chances of succumbing to peer pressure -- especially if we also teach them "scripts" they can use to gracefully decline substances.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jessica discuss:

Risk for factors of addiction and substance use disorders

Balancing a child's risk of developing substance use disorder with protective factor

The role of silence and dishonestly is perpetuating substance use disorders

How (or IF) to talk about your use drug or substance use

The link between trauma, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and addiction

How to talk about substance use with kids of all ages

Helping your child resist peer pressure & say no

Explaining the difference between adult alcohol and substance use and child/adolescent use

How teens weigh risk (Spoiler: they weigh the possible positive consequences of substance use more heavily than the possible negative consequences)

How puberty, drugs, & alcohol affect kids' brain chemistry

Why saying "yes" to novel or risky activities may decrease the chances of your boys using substances

Should you let kids drink with the family?

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence, by Jessica Lahey

The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Can Learn to Let Go So Their Children Success -- Jessica's 2016 New York Times best-selling book

jessicaleahy.com -- Jessica's website; includes links to to her upcoming (virtual) speaking gigs

CDC info on ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) -- discussed at 9:40

The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris (mentioned at 10:40)

To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 12:35)

Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 18:23)

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Does your son have a problem with executive function?

Let's put it another way....

Does he struggle with homework, procrastination, time management, or lack of motivation? Does he have ADHD? If so, he probably needs help developing his executive functioning.

“If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing - and one thing only - and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION," says Seth Perler, a former struggling student who now helps others as an executive function, ADHD, and 2e coach. 

Boys who have executive function challenges typically struggle in two areas: Schoolwork and responsibilities, Seth says. And parents who are distressed at their sons' lack of achievement aren't necessarily helicopter parents. Intuitively, parents realize that if boys can't figure out how to get stuff done, their future options dwindle.

But simply nagging these boys won't help. In fact, nagging often makes things worse.

"You have to understand the experience these boys are having," Seth says. "They've been asked to do these things so many time and they've failed or it's been 'not good enough;' they've been told to re-do it, or 'you didn't put your name on it'' or 'it's late so you're getting a zero' so many times."

Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes for these challenges. But you CAN build your son's skills. Pay attention to these 3 things:

Systems. Children with executive function problems need direct instruction to develop a system of planning, of organization, a homework system, etc.

Mindset. You can help your son move past his resistance mindset and help him develop a "can do" attitude.

Habits and routines. After you've helped your son develop systems and adjust his mindset, you can help him establish systems and routines to get stuff done.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss:

What is executive function?

Why boys with executive function challenges don't struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy

Why punishments & rewards aren't effective motivation strategies

Establishing reasonable expectations

Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) "catch up"

When (& how) to reach out to your son's teacher

How to deal with resistance

Why it's OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B)

Exploring other educational options

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

sethperler.com -- Seth's website

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode

Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys - ON BOYS episode

Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck -- TED talk

The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function -- Seth's video/blog post, mentioned at 33:10

The Executive Function Online Summit -- summit mentioned  at 39:19 (scheduled for Aug. 20-22, 2021)

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