ON BOYS Podcast

About 1 in 54 children has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The key word in that sentence is "spectrum." Some people with ASD are nonverbal; some are highly verbal. Some avoid physical contact; some enjoy it. As one popular saying puts it,  "Once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."

Meet Sam Mitchell, a teenager with autism. Sam is created and hosts the podcast Autism Rocks and Rolls; he's also an author and motivational speaker. Diagnosed at age 4, Sam describes autism as a neurodevelopmental disorder that causes people with ASD to "struggle with certain stuff -- social behaviors, social cues, morals of society."

Sam Mitchell, host of Autism Rocks & Rolls

Some people with ASD are perceived as others as being rude. What looks like rudeness to others, Sam says, is often just honesty and bluntness.

"The truth is, I have a big mouth. I have no filter," he says. That means Sam's not afraid to say what he thinks, and in this episode, he tells us we should talk to people with autism "like you'd talk to anyone else."

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Sam & Gina (Sam's mom) discuss:

Living with autism

Parenting a child with autism

Signs and symptoms of ASD

Friendship and socialization challenges with ASD

How to communicate with someone with autism

Coming to grips with an autism diagnosis

How preconceived notions about autism lead to exclusion

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Autism Rocks and Rolls - Sam's podcast

templegrandin.com -- website of Dr. Temple Grandin, who  is well known to many for her trailblazing work as a spokesperson for people with autism

Into Simon Majumdmr's Cookhouse -- Autism Rocks and Rolls episode mentioned at 41:27

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What's your family personality? 

Don't know? You're not alone.

Most people don't think of families as having personalities, but when you understand your personality, your partner's personality and your kids' personalities, life gets easier. Sandra Etherington, a family personality practitioner, uses the Myers-Briggs assessment to help families improve communication and collaboration.

"The assessment measures tendencies that reveal how we prefer to get information about the world and make decisions," Sandra says. Understanding family members' personalities shows you "their most comfortable way of being," which makes it easier for you to figure out how to meet them there.

Allowing kids to spend most of their time operating in their zone of comfort can actually aid their development. The parental tendency push kids out of their comfort zone may inhibit growth and development. Similarly, when parents spend a lot of time operating outside of their comfort zone, emotional exhaustion soon follows.

Learning to respect family personality differences can strengthen your family bonds.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sandra discuss:

Myers-Briggs personality types

Why you should focus on & build up your child's strengths

Supporting an introverted child

How outside influences (anxiety, depression, social pressure) affect personality expression

Parenting a child whose personality is the same -- or completely different -- than yours

Gender & personality

How your personality affects your perception of your child's behavior

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

familypersonalities.com -- Sandra's website

Introversion vs. Extroversion - the free download Sandra mentions at 17:47, to help you identify your child's tendency

Family Personalities -- Sandra's podcast

16 Personalities - free online personality test mentioned at 18:41

What Makes Him Tick? — ON BOYS Interactive event

Affiliate Spotlight: Parenting for the Brave New World mini-summit

Use coupon code BOYS25 to save 25% on your registration!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

One of our favorite musicals is Les Miserables, which is a story about the French revolution. It's also the story of love and transformation.

What does that have to do with raising boys? Today's guest is Dr. Charles Corprew, a psychologist and host of the podcast "What's Your Revolution?" Charles is passionate about revolution --  not the bloody riots that mar cities and countries, but the opportunities we all have for personal and global transformation.

"I think I've always known that revolution was necessary for our boys," Charles says, noting his stable upbringing and experiences with racism. "I wanted to make sure the boys had abundant opportunities for a successful life. I wanted to make sure I was creating successful pathways for our young men, regardless of what they look like. That they have the ability to be young boys -- to have fun, to play and find who they want to be."

The work has to begin with adults, he says. We adults need to examine our beliefs and systems, and tackle questions such as, "What does it mean to be equitable?"

Boys needs space, freedom and role models to figure out who they are and who they want to be. "We need to give our boys more models, more expansive opportunities to try out," Charles says. "This is the hard work that we need to do as adults so that our children can actually grow up and be whoever they want to be."

Viva la revolucion! 

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Charles discuss:

How racism inhibits boys' opportunities to play, to experiment and grow

The importance of role modeling

Helping boys discover their true selves

Empower boys to advocate for change

Talking to (and listening to!) boys regarding their educational needs

Encouraging outdoor play

Male friendships

Teaching boys the value of service to others

Promoting healthy masculinity

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

What's Your Revolution? - Charles' podcast

What Makes Him Tick? -- ON BOYS Interactive event

Playing with Anger: Teaching Coping Skills to African American Boys Through Athletics and Culture -- book edited by Dr. Howard Stevenson, psychologist mentioned at 17:05

Camelback Ventures -- Charles' employer; "an accelerator that identifies, develops, and promotes early-stage underrepresented entrepreneurs with the aim to increase individual and community education, and generational wealth"

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 34:24

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you worry about keeping your boys safe online? 

Thanks to the pandemic, we're all spending more time online. And unlike in years past, porn is now ubiquitous and easily accessible. Boys today don't even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for "sex" or "boobs" can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think.

"All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making," Amy says. "If we don't get in the door early, our impact is less. It's really important to establish yourself as their go-to person."

Teaching your boys about sex early on will help you contextualize porn. And parental controls and internet filters can help you manage your son's internet access, decreasing the chances that he and his friends will access porn while at your home.

Consider redirecting some of the energy you're currently expending worrying about your son's academic achievement. After all, "being in relationships and being sexual is fundamental to being human," Amy says. "I think it's way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss:

Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think

How boys accidently encounter porn

Setting the stage to talk about sex

Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out?

Establishing family guidelines re internet usage

The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each)

How porn affects boys

Preparing boys for porn exposure

Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn

Keeping boys safe online

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) - ON BOYS episode

http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  — Amy’s website

The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents -- use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15%

Just Say This! - Amy's podcast

Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy Lang

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We don't always like our boys. 

It's a bit taboo to admit that. We parents -- moms especially! -- are somehow expected to always have lovey feelings for our children. And we do love them. But sometimes, we don't want to be around them. Sometimes, we want them to go away.

Parents who admit they don't like their kids, though, are often judged. That's not helpful, in our opinions. Here are ON BOYS, we're all about keeping it real, so we're going to talk about the unspeakable: What to do and how to cope when you don't like your boys.

(As if to prove our point, THESE are the pics an online picture repository brought up when we searched for "boys fighting frustrated mom":

Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels

Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels

REALLY???

Real life is much messier than these photos suggest, and it is perfectly OK if most of your moments with your boys don't look like this.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

Unreasonable parenting expectations

How to learn and grow from uncomfortable parenting moments

Coping when your kids' behavior reminds you of your ex

Handling political differences

Jen's yard in Oct. '20

Knowing when to step away

Using physical touch to connect

When to seek outside help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Family Meetings & the 9-Year Change -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 11:55

The Art of Roughhousing -- ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Dr. Mary Wilde

Dr. Mary’s “Overcoming Childhood Anxiety” course — SPECIAL OFFER available to ON BOYS listeners

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The phrase "best of 2020" is a bit laughable. 

Using the term "best" to describe a year that's included a global pandemic, remote schooling and massive disruptions to work and socialization seems almost...inappropriate. And yet, even 2020 had some bright spots.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

ON BOYS audience continued to grow. Our downloads increased by 207%. (We had nearly 281,000 downloads in 2020 vs. 88,000 in 2019). We interviewed 36 different experts, including New York Times best-selling authors (hello, Peggy Orenstein!) and the Washington Post's On Parenting columnist (Meaghan Leahy!). We had our first three-time guest (Mr. Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude) and we conducted conversations across time and space. (Maggie Dent was in Australia when we spoke; Baro Hyun, Japan.)

We also hosted our first ON BOYS Interactive, a live web-based event in which we brainstormed solutions to the challenges of remote learning.

We've got more ON BOYS Interactive sessions planned for 2021, as well as podcast episodes featuring Amy Lang (the Queen of the birds & bees!) and Richard Louv, author of The Last Child in the Woods and Our Wild Calling.

But first, ON BOYS year in review. Here's the best of 2020:

5. Helping Boys Grow Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch)

“I think the biggest challenge for us is really allowing our boys to show us, say to us and demonstrate to us who they really are,” Bunch says, without us excessively trying to mold them. Our job isn’t to make boys conform; our job is “to allow them to blossom, to really show who they are.”

4. Boys and Sex (w Peggy Orenstein)

Contrary to her expectations when she began reporting the book, Peggy found that boys were “insightful narrators” of their lives and experiences. Boys are acutely aware of the issues that affect them, of the “rules” that govern their behavior and social success and of society’s evolving definition of masculinity.

3. Managing Emotions (w Ellen Dodge)

Try “tell me the story.” When you see your guys doing something — positive or negative — ask them to tell you the story behind their actions. If you see a feeling on your son’s face, ask him to tell you the story behind the feeling.

2. ADHD w Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude

...a lot of people still misunderstand ADHD. Making matter worse is the fact that “school is not designed with the male brain in mind,” as Ryan says. On top of that, many people consider ADHD a mental health issue, not a learning disorder. That conceptualization makes things harder for our boys, who face social stigma and internal shame. Often, their parents are judged as well; too often, educators and others consider ADHD a “character flaw” or the result of poor parenting.

1. Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson

According to Dr. Natterson — a pediatrician, mom of two and author of Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys — the first changes of puberty can begin as early as age 9. But because those early changes are largely invisible to parents’ eyes, we may misunderstand our boys’ mood swings and behavior. And because our culture has long ignored male puberty, many of us simply allow our boys to self-isolate behind closed doors, instead of talking to them about the changes they’re experiencing.

You'll have to listen to hear Jen & Janet's personal favorites!

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration.

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Cara Natterson’s book, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons, came out in February 2020 & made a big splash. Kirkus Reviews calls it, "A common-sensical, gently humorous exploration of male puberty’s many trials" and a New York Times article declared, "...for rational, evidence-based advice on how to talk to your son about every internal and external force he’ll experience from fourth grade through college, Cara Natterson’s zippy, bighearted 'Decoding Boys' is the guide you need.'"

Our ON BOYS listeners clearly agree: Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson is our most-downloaded episode of 2020. Some gems:

Not talking to your son about his evolving physical, emotional and social self is the biggest parent trap of them all.

and

Boys will take good information and run with it. If we just tell them no and don’t give them the why, they don’t listen.

This conversation was originally recorded in April 2020.

Note the bookmarks....

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Cara discuss:

Why it’s OK to let your teen boys sleep late

What the coronavirus crisis and shutdowns are teaching us about kids’ physical and emotional needs

The difference between making kids do something vs. educating them

Why boys go quiet around puberty

Getting boys to talk

Late-blooming boys

Brain development during adolescence (a.k.a, why boys can be so smart and so dumb, at the same time!)

Why boys take more risks when surrounded by friends

Boys, body image & eating disorders

How to tell if your son’s fixation on fitness is healthy or harmful

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons — Cara’s book

worryproofmd.com — Dr. Natterson’s online home; includes a link to her newsletter

Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys — one of Cara’s puberty book for boys

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration.

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Adam Cox helped Janet crack the boy code, way back when she was a first grade teacher who didn't know what to do with a class full of boys. His book, Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, is a seminal text that contains valuable insights for parents and teachers of boys.

More than 25 years ago, Dr. Cox, a psychologist, recognized that boys in his community were looking for a place where they'd be accepted and welcomed. His boy-friendly approach developed over the years as he learned how boys communicate. His understanding of boys grew further as he studied boys worldwide.

"The highest priority of boys is their happiness," Dr. Cox says. Happiness even trumps popularity and success, as far as boys are concerned -- which goes a long way toward explaining why you spend so much time fighting with your son over homework.

Boys also crave a sense of purpose. Even young boys want to make a tangible difference in the world. "Boys want to feel as though they are needed to do some kind of important work," Dr. Cox says. He recommends a "counter-intuitive" approach to boys' misbehavior.

"The way that we deal with misbehaving boys the world over is to ratchet down on their freedoms. We take away freedom and privileges. I think instead that we should try to get them to ally themselves with us by giving them an important job," Dr. Cox says. If, instead, "we get into a moral conflict with that child -- 'I'm going to prove to you that I'm the boss here!' -- it just backfires on us. It's much better to invite their leadership in a way that suits them."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Adam discuss:

Boy "constants" that persist across cultures

Boys' priorities

Why boys need a sense of purpose

Effective discipline for boys

Finding appropriate jobs for boys

The difference between "purposeful work" and "chores"

Why you must monitor & control your vocal tone when talking to boys

How to talk so boys will listen

Picking the right place and time to talk with your son

Respecting boys' privacy

Why you shouldn't dismiss or denigrate your son's interest in video games

Talking to boys about love and imagination

Helping boys live a life that's in line with their values and interests

Adolescent inertia

The link between teenage depression and lack of motivation

How to get unmotivated boys moving forward

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

DrAdamCox.com -- Dr. Adam's website

Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, by Dr. Adam Cox

On Purpose Before Twenty, by Dr. Adam Cox

Why Boys Need Chores - ON BOYS episode

The Evolution of Esports -- ON BOYS episode

Video Game Design: A Career for Boys -- ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration.

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you help boys become resilient? 

It's easy enough to say that resiliency is important, and we know that the ability to bounce back in spite of obstacles is essential for success and happiness in life. But how exactly does one build resilience?

Contrary to popular belief, you can't teach a child resilience, says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist. Rather, you create a climate that allows a child to develop self-knowledge and self-confidence.

Most of our boys spend a lot of times in environments that don't help them feel good. School, for instance, is not a good fit, developmentally speaking, for most boys, and it's easy for boys to assume that something is wrong with them when they can't read or write as well as their female classmates.

Pushing your child to do things that he's not ready or willing to do is NOT the answer. Your intentions may be good, but you'll actually increase the levels of stress hormones coursing through your son's body, and a stressed brain and body is not ready or able to learn.

One of the quickest, most effective ways to ease your son's stress is to take care of yourself. You cannot effectively parent your son while you're in a state of stress because your son will sense the anger, fear, and concern behind your carefully chosen words. Taking time for yourself -- both in moments of high stress and on a regular basis -- allows you to parent from a place of peace, which, in turn, allows your son's nervous system to relax.

Then, you can turn your attention toward helping your son recognize his inherent worth.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Sandy discuss:

The link between resilience and brain chemistry

Interpersonal neurobiology -- or, how parents' emotional state affects their children

How feeling "not good enough" affects our brains and bodies

The fight, flight or freeze stress response

Inflammatory vs. non-inflammatory parenting

How deep breathing can help you be a better parent

How to build your son's self-esteem

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drsandygluckman.com -- Dr. Sandy's website

www.youtube.com/user/sandygluckman -- Dr. Sandy's YouTube channel

Parents, Take Charge! Healing Learning, Behavior and Mood Challenges Without Medication, by Dr. Sandy Gluckman

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering -- Building Boys blog post

How Confidence and Joy Spark Success -- ON BOYS episode

Self-Esteem and Boys -- ON BOYS episode

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration.

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Most of us know what consent means. But knowing what it MEANS doesn’t necessarily guarantee that we - or our BOYS - will actually be prepared in the moment….

Acroyoga, or partnered yoga, helped Sarah Casper understand boundaries & consent. "In this practice, instead of using an apparatus like trapeze or aerial silks, we're using our bodies. So there has to be a lot of conversation about our comfort levels, what we want to explore, where our limits are, what we maybe want to work towards and bowing out if a trick doesn't work," Sarah says. "I started to realize the conversations I was having in my acroyoga classes were more or less the same conversations that happen in the bedroom."

With a background in psychology and previous experience teaching socio-emotional skills to children, Sarah started teaching kids how to navigate boundaries & consent.

"We want kids to make mistakes and learn from them when they're hanging out with friends," Sarah says, emphasizing the importance of building interpersonal skills from early on. "You get them to work through things like rejection and coercion and how to ask and respond to questions when they're young, when they have the support of teachers, parents and coaches, because if the first time a boy has to deal with this is when he's 18 and at Prom, he's not going to be good at it."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sarah discuss:

How acrobatics helped Sarah understand consent

How roughhousing can teach boys about boundaries

Teaching boys to check in w friends and partners

Helping boys handle rejection

How to say no without shaming or unintentionally coercing the person who asked

Creating a "consent culture"

How respecting your child's autonomy can decrease parent/child conflict

What to do if you walk in on your son masturbating

5 factors to consider in consent: Who, What, When, Where, How

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

ON BOYS Interactive -- Distance Learning -- Register now for our Dec. 8 or Dec. 9 session!

Comprehensive Consent -- Sarah's website; includes lots of free resources & a link to Sarah's Boundary Setting Bootcamp

The Art of Roughhousing -- ON BOYS episode

Your Son's Ability to Tolerate Frustration & Rejection is More Important Than You Know -- Building Boys post

Consent with Mike Domitrz -- ON BOYS episode

Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health

HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. 

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration.

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy