Pillow Talks

You're finally in bed together, but you can’t stop thinking about tomorrow's to-do list.

We've all heard the advice to “just let go”. Stop thinking, stop controlling, lose yourself.

But 80% of you tell us that you struggle to actually do that.

So we're saying something a little controversial this week: "just let go" might be the worst sex advice out there. Listen in to learn what actually helps you feel present and connected to your partner during sex.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

If you've ever laid there convinced something's wrong with you for not being able to switch off, nothing is. Your brain is doing exactly what brains do, and there's a kinder, more useful way in.

The Spark is our $9/month membership for keeping playfulness, curiosity, and closeness alive when real life keeps getting in the way.

If this episode hit home, it's the easiest place to start putting it into practice:

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

Follow us on Instagram at https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander.

Get our weekly email at https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe.

Loving the show? Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen, and leave a review to help more people find us.

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Made from viscose from bamboo — breathable, soft, and built for summer. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We ran a poll and 67% of couples told us they feel more like roommates than partners.

This week we're walking through our D.R.I.F.T. Framework: the 5 silent relationship killers that chip away at intimacy, plus the small shifts that bring you back to each other.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

These might feel like small things, but over time they add up to real distance. The good news: once you can name them, you can start to shift them, together.

🕯️ Ready to swap the drift for a little more spark every month?

The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep choosing each other on purpose, with low-pressure ways to stay close long after the credits roll on date night.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cure. Cure Hydration just launched in Target, which I'm genuinely pumped about. I stocked up last week and the box is already half gone. So next time you're at Target, grab some! Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

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Every couple has that one thing they’ll argue about until the end of time. TV in the bedroom. How to load the dishwasher. Can men and women just be friends? 👀

We asked our community to send us the disagreements they just can’t seem to settle with their partner, and today we’re weighing in as your official referees.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

The Spark is our monthly membership full of playful, low-pressure ways to keep things exciting, no matter how different the two of you are.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s Xander’s birthday! And this week for our Ask Us Anything episode, we decided to answer some of your personal questions!

This one really pulls back the curtain on us as a couple. Ready for honest reactions, beyond real talk, and more than a little oversharing?

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

At the end of the day, we're two people figuring out long-term love, running a business, and life together… while keeping intimacy our priority. Thanks for being on the ride with us.

🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

🔗 Links & Resources

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Made from viscose from bamboo — breathable, soft, and built for summer. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Cure. So Cure Hydration is officially in Target now, which I'm way too excited about. I stocked up last week and I'm not ashamed to say I've already restocked. Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Should I shower first? Is this normal? Why does it smell like that?

This week we're going there with zero judgment, answering your real hygiene and sex questions one by one.

Nobody taught us how to actually take care of our bodies for sex. Not our parents, not health class, not anyone. And so we've been left to piece it together ourselves, often while carrying a whole lot of shame that doesn't belong to us.

That's exactly what this episode is about. We got flooded with questions from our Instagram audience on hygiene and sex, and we're answering all of it, honestly, warmly, and with more poop talk than either of us anticipated.

From what to do before and after, to discharge, breath, smells, and the great cleanup debate, we're covering it all.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

What actually matters (and what you can skip) when it comes to staying fresh before and after sex

Why the shame we carry about our bodies being "dirty" around sex is making everything harder, and messier

What your vulva actually needs to stay clean (spoiler: way less than you've been told)

Why semen can have a smell, and when it's actually worth a second thought

How to tell your partner their breath or body odor is getting in the way of intimacy, without it turning into a fight

The gush: what it is, why it happens, and what you can actually do about it

The after-sex cleanup debate: cup-and-shuffle, a towel by the bed, or straight to the shower

If you've ever felt self-conscious about your body, your smell, or what counts as "normal," we hope this one leaves you feeling a whole lot more at ease. There's no shame here, just us answering the questions everyone's secretly Googling.

🕯️ Want to keep things exciting long after this episode ends?

The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to stay connected, playful, and turned on, without having to figure it all out on your own.

Fresh ideas and prompts delivered every month to keep intimacy feeling alive

Low-pressure ways to reconnect, even on your busiest weeks

Made for real couples and real bodies, zero shame required

A simple monthly nudge to put each other first again

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks The Spark. No planning. No awkward ‘what should we do?’ Just open it and go.And it’s only nine dollars a month, cancel anytime. Because a little spark goes a long way. ➡︎https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You send us your most "I can't believe I'm actually asking this" questions, and we live for it.

So we're back with the third edition of Ask a Sex Therapist, going rapid-fire through as many of them as we can, with real answers, tips, and stories.

No question is too awkward, too niche, or too "is it too late to ask this at my age?"

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

What "tossed salad" actually means, because it's never too late to ask

How to tell if you're about to squirt or pee, and whether squirting is even real

Is the G-spot orgasm real? We settle it

Sex pillows and spit as lube: the honest yes-or-no on both

Why standing-up sex never seems to work, and how to fix it

Why a partner might go soft when you're on top

Strap-ons as a tool for guys facing performance pressure

Whether it's worth shaking things up when your sex is already great

If you've ever sat on a question because it felt too weird to say out loud, consider this your permission slip. Chances are, someone else is wondering the exact same thing.

Get the TABU Pillow

Comfortable, discreet, and actually changes the angle in ways that make a big difference . We’re obsessed. 👉🏻 [INSERT LINK]

💦 Variety is the spice of life (and your sex life)

Ultimate Sex Positions is our guide to over forty illustrated positions, with step-by-step help getting into, out of, and moving in each one.

Over 40 positions with clear, illustrated, step-by-step guidance

The fixes for the ones that never seem to work (standing-up sex, we see you)

Toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping experiences built for both of you

Plus the secret to actually craving more sex

👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

The Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure gets into what's happening in your brain and your body, so sex feels good instead of stressful.

A holistic approach to performance anxiety and erections

Real help for early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and going soft

Build genuine confidence in your technique

For hotter, more satisfying sex, minus the stress

👉🏻 Check out The Modern Man's Guide here: https://vmtherapy.com/modernman

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you and your partner ever actually sat down and defined what counts as cheating?

Most of us never do, which is exactly why the gray areas get so complicated.

We're back with Part 3 of Is This Cheating?, weighing in on your trickiest, most "wait, is that okay?" scenarios.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

Why every couple has to define cheating for themselves, and the talks most people skip

Real listener dilemmas: late-night drives, a secret sex-shop trip, and disappearing text threads

The female-friendship situations that blur the line between platonic and something more

Our honest take on the big one: does masturbation count as cheating?

A rapid-fire round on nudes, dating apps "for friends," flirty DMs, and drunk Vegas kisses

Why this is the perfect episode to play for your partner and talk through together

If you've ever felt unsure whether something crossed a line, you're not overreacting and you're not alone. The clearer you get on your own definition, the easier these conversations get.

🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month?

The Spark is our monthly membership that delivers fresh, low-lift ways to connect, flirt, and keep things exciting.

New prompts and ideas delivered to you every single month

Designed to spark real conversation and connection, together

Low commitment and big payoff, for just a few dollars a month

Perfect if tonight's episode has you wanting to reconnect with your person

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So we're back with Part 3 of What Do Women Really Think About…?, giving you the honest answers women don't always say out loud.

From the mental load to mirror selfies, nothing’s off limits.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

Whether women actually want a "book boyfriend," or if that fantasy is better left on the page?

The real deal on mental load: is it running in the background every single day?

Cum on the face: hot, not, or total depends? We give you the honest answer.

Dick pics and mirror selfies: what reads as sexy vs what gets an instant delete?

Blowjobs before a shower: the candid take you've been too shy to ask about.

Why women open up to their friends about their sex lives so freely?

Getting finished with hands or fingers: thoughtful move, or last-ditch effort?

Here's the thing: the questions that feel embarrassing to ask are usually the ones everyone else is secretly wondering too. You're not weird for being curious. You're just paying attention.

🍆 Ready to be the best they've ever had?

The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to using your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will blow their mind.

Clear, no-guesswork techniques for fingering, oral, handjobs, and blow jobs.

Separate guides for vulvas and penises, so you know exactly what to do.

Built to take you from unsure to genuinely confident.

Perfect if today's questions left you wanting to level up.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When was the last time you and your partner did something purely for fun? Not productive, not logistical, not about the kids, just fun.

If you had to think about it for a beat, you're not alone. Most long-term couples slowly drift from enjoying each other to managing life together, and fun is usually the first thing to quietly disappear.

In this episode, we're talking about why couples lose the fun, why it matters way more than most people realize, and 5 surprisingly simple ways to bring it back.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

Why fun is one of the most underrated forms of intimacy (and how it actually builds resilience, attraction, and friendship)

The IG poll results that show just how universal this is. Only 21% of our community said they have a lot of fun in their relationship

The most common things that get in the way of fun, from kids and money stress to "we honestly just forget"

The reframe that helps you find more time for fun.

If you've been feeling more like roommates than romantic partners lately, this episode is a gentle reminder that it’s possible to bring back the fun.

🕯️ Want more fun, connection, and intimacy in your relationship every single month?

Fresh prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly

Designed for real couples with real lives, not just the honeymoon phase

Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore

Only $9/month, less than a latte and way better for your relationship

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast

🔗 Links & Resources

Sex Talks (our book) → https://sextalksbook.com

The Ultimate Foreplay Guides → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Ultimate Sex Positions → https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he really is, before the stories get harder to remember. Father's day is Sunday, June21st. Order RIGHT NOW and save up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever feel like you and your partner are speaking totally different languages when it comes to sex? One of you wants spontaneity, the other needs to feel emotionally close first. One of you craves novelty, the other finds comfort in what already works.

Here's the thing: it's probably not about compatibility. It's about your sex personality types.

In this episode, we walk you through all five types, what drives each one, the superpowers they bring to a relationship, the shadows that can quietly cause friction, and how knowing your type (and your partner's) can completely change the way you understand each other.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

Why understanding your sex personality can shift everything about how you connect with your partner

🔥 The Firestarter — the spontaneity-fueled type who treats passion as proof of connection

💞 The Connector — for whom emotional intimacy is the door to physical intimacy

🌸 The Sensualist — present, embodied, sensory-driven

🪶 The Adventurer — curious, playful, novelty-seeking

⚓ The Anchor — steady, communicative, and grounding

How to reframe your partner's "differences" as information, not rejection

Why understanding your blend can take you out of the blame cycle and into actual change

Whether you've been together six months or sixteen years, this episode gives you a whole new lens for understanding why you want what you want, and why your partner wants what they want. Less guessing. Less misreading. A lot more clarity.

✨ Want to know your sex personality type? Take our free quiz here → https://vmtherapy.com/sex-personality-type

The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep the fun, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship.

Fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly

Designed for real couples with real lives (not just the honeymoon phase)

Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore

Only $9/month, less than a latte and way better for your relationship

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices