Polyamory Weekly

Celebrating the amazing sex-positive activist Allena Gabosch, who gave us a big scare last week.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

Last week, we nearly lost an amazing sex-positive educator to cancer. Allena Gabosch has pulled through, so this week's episode is a replay of my 2010 interview with Allena.

In Bawdy Storyelling podcast episode 78, Dixie de la Tour shares her feelings about nearly losing Allena Gabosch.

4:30 Interview: Allena Gabosch

The lovely and talented Allena Gabosch, director of Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture, shares the origin story of the Center in its current state and her own experiences with polyamory. Recorded in 2010 from Paradise Unbound!

50:25 Poly in the news

• Modern Family: More Courts Allowing Three Parents of One Child
• Polyamorous parenting: the surprising benefits of the ultimate modern family

55:30 Thank you!

Welcome Camilla to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

56:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

My boyfriend and I transitioned from a don't-ask-don't-tell relationship to full honest, transparent polyamory. Now I want to meet my formerly DADT metamour when she comes to visit him next month. Is that OK?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

We'll be in Copenhagen next month; let us know what we should do/see!

1:50 Poly in the news

• Studies showing the best stats on how many people have practiced non-monogamy at some point in their lives. Around 20-21% have practiced consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives; 4% of relationships are open in some way; and 4-5% of the population of the United States was currently involved in a CNM relationship
• Keep in mind that 5% of the current US population identifies at GLBT, with 8.2% of millennials self-identifying at GLBT

6:10 Is it OK to ask to meet my metamour?

Soft Shell Crabby writes in to say she's 43 and her boyfriend is 42, and they've been together for four years. They did a don't-ask-don't-tell (DADT) style of nonmonogamy for a while, but they ended up becoming so deeply involved that they talked about being more open, honest, and transparent with each other. He confessed that he'd been poly before but had avoided bringing it up to avoid the tough conversations that would inevitably follow.

He also has a pre-arranged sexy-time visit set up with a girlfriend who was flying in from New York, and Soft Shell Crabby now wants to meet that metamour. She asks if it's unreasonable to ask for to meet her formerly DADT metamour, and by the way what should she do about the fact that the metamour is cheating on her husband with SSC's boyfriend? SSC feels like her boyfriend gets to call all the shots.

• Everything you feel is reasonable and OK.
• He isn't getting to call all the shots. You get to call your shots; your boyfriend gets to call his shot; your metamour gets to call her shots.
• It's not a good idea to ask a partner to deliver a message to another partner. Direct communication is better.
• It IS a good idea to ask for what you want (to meet her), with the understanding that she has the right to say no.
• Is there something within the power of your partner to give that would alleviate your feelings? Do YOU want a threesome/group sex like he's having with her? Ask him to arrange it for you!
• How do you forgive your boyfriend for this unethical behavior? First, focus on your limits, not his behavior. Can you be in a relationship with someone who facilitates cheating? If not, you have the right to leave. Second, the way you "forgive your man for conducting his relationships in an unethical manner" is to exercise understanding of the pattern of behavior (he also hid his desire for poly from you) and to exercise compassion. Third, most people have cheated at some point. Consider exercising more compassion and less judgment.
• This is a good time to decide what you need at the very minimum in terms of contact from your metamours. You may need a higher or lower level of contact, but this is a good time to explore that and figure out what you need to be happy.

19:15 Happy Poly Moment

Johnny shared a moment in which he picked out his girlfriend's birthday gift with his wife. And his girlfriend's husband reached out to Johnny as a poly newbie to see if Johnny needed anything for the big birthday get together!

20:30 Feedback

Jessica gives feedback on episode 573 about using the term "nerd blackface." We address two concerns: (1) that by using the term "blackface" to refer to nerds, we devalue the power of the original term, which we agree with and (2) that the term doesn't apply to The Big Bang Theory, which we disagree with. The latter is based on a large group of people who self-identify as nerds and do find the term applies, and we are not comfortable dismissing the critique of that group of people.

25:25 Thank you!

Welcome Camilla to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

25:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

My metamour and I get along great, and I need a roommate. Will it muck things up if I ask them to move in?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:10 Poly in the news

• Who really practices polyamory? In Rolling Stone
• Leonard's mom goes poly on Big Bang Theory

9:55 Topic: Should I live with my metamour?

Olipoly writes in about the possibility of living with her metamour; she doesn't want to live with her partner and gets along with them great. She's considering asking her metamour to move in to the room that her roommate is moving out of.

• Don't ask us; ask them!
• Ask them all the questions you just asked us and think through the possibilities to discover hard limits.
• Practice by spending a weekend together.
• Treat them professionally, like a client you need to keep happy.
• Get a dishwasher.

16:15 Happy Poly Moment

Bunz in Knoxville originally had a negative impression of polyamory. But she and her husband read, talked out it, did exercises, and even started a meetup group in Knoxville!

18:00 Feedback

Mike gives feedback on episode 572 about one person not taking responsibility for someone else's emotions.

23:35 Thank you!

Welcome Susan to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

23:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

What do you do when your partner gets so jealous that you feel compelled to give up your boyfriend, while your hubby happily dates away?

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:25 Poly in the news

Study could explain why people choose to have multiple relationships

3:25 Topic: what do I do when my partner agrees to be poly but gets jealous when I date?

Debby writes in to ask what to do when polyamory doesn't work for a couple. She and her husband are in their 50s, four years into their second marriage, and did the research before opening up 18 months into their relationship. He was into no-strings-attached sex but got very jealous when Debby would date. She finally had to dump her boyfriend (in a poly marriage of 15 years) due to her husband's inability to cope with his jealousy. She asks what to do when polyamory doesn't work for a couple.

• We both think it DID work—he liked the sex, and you loved your boyfriend. The question is, does monogamy work for you?
• Debby might be confusing behaviors with relationship labels. You're still having to deal with all the risks and tasks of polyamory—jealousy, scheduling, emotional issues—but you somehow don't get to date and experience the benefits.
• What steps did he take to address his jealousy? It was a mistake to stop giving him the opportunity to practicing his jealousy coping mechanisms.
• There must be a middle ground between "I must live half a life" and "we get a divorce."
• Someone else's emotions require for them to change behaviors, not yours. It's not for Debby to take responsibility for her husband's jealousy. His emotions are his and require action from him, not from her. Don't let your partner's emotional reactions control your actions.
• So now it seems that Debby feels forced to give up a perfectly healthy relationship due to her husband's inability to deal with his jealousy. If they do revert to monogamy, how will she take steps to avoid resentment?

18:15 Feedback

Katie gives feedback on scheduling from episode 565—no one with kids has that kind of availability!

21:00 Happy Poly Moment

Heather wrote in to share when one of her partner's besties said to her about Heather (who is happily married) today, "can't you two just be together forever? She is so perfect for you!" Good validation!

23:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

On the launch of their new book, Koe Creation shares what it was like growing up in a polyamorous household.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

We had fun at It's Complicated in Tulsa, OK!

3:00 Poly in the news

On the opposite site of the earth, is poly on the rise? Collection of media coverage in NZ over the last few years

5:15 Interview: Koe Creation, author of This Heart Holds Many

We talk about Koe's new book, This Heart Holds Many, and the challenge of writing a semiautobiographical book about growing up in a poly family. Find them online at their website, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram as @koecreate.

23:00 Happy Poly Moment

• Kim writes in to share TWO happy poly moments about her metamour getting married (One Family Podcast)
• Olivia writes in to share a Thanksgiving happy poly moment with her asexual partners

26:35 Thank you!

Welcome to our new Poly Weekly Playmates, Chris and Alisha!

27:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

We chat with Laura Zielinsky, author of a new poly erotic novel

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Host chat

• We'll be speaking at It's Complicated in Tulsa, OK, April 6th
• #sopoco2019 Soly Poly Unconference is happening in San Francisco, CA May 4-5, 2019

3:30 Interview: Laura Zielinsky, author of We Are Three

We interview Laura Zielinksy, author of new poly erotic novel We Three: One and One and One Makes Three.

Book summary: Eric and Elena Tanner have been enjoying their lifestyle membership at the Club Caliente for years. Swinging fulfills their desire to meet new people and engage in group sex.

When the new bartender, Jess, flirts with them and agrees to play in a threesome, Eric and Elena make plans for a single night of pleasure. All three are satisfied, so Jess is invited to come again. And again.

For months Elena, Jess, and Eric meet up for lots of sex, and dinners. There are casual nights in Netflix and chilling. It's heady, addictive and no one wants it to end.

However, they all know that's the deal in the lifestyle. Swingers move out of each other's lives all the time. Complication is the enemy. So what happens when they start to fall in love?

18:25 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Sex therapist Dr. Liz Powell rejoins us to talk about how she became a sex therapist and why she wrote her new book, Building Open Relationships.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Host chat

We'll be speaking at It's Complicated in Tulsa, OK, April 6th.

2:45 Poly in the news

Non-monogamous relationships are normal, and the stigma needs to end

7:35 Interview: Building open relationships with Dr. Liz Powell

Dr. Liz Powell shares how and why she got into sex therapy, including her stint and internship in the army dealing with combat stress and families, moonlighting in private practice in Savannah, GA serving the LGBTQIA community, and continuing to do sex therapy work afterwards.

Misconceptions about sex therapy: it's not all about the sex. It's about the relationship people have with their own bodies, with their partners, and to the stories of sexuality and pleasure. Many therapists only get two days of training on sexuality issues, if at all.

What is the most common communication issue that you see? Expectations of mind-reading and letting things go unsaid rather than communicating your wants and needs openly and honestly.

Why Building Open Relationships? It's less about theory and more nuts and bolts of how to make a relationship successful with full respect for individual autonomy and consent. For example, think about how your message will land or be perceived rather than just the way you want to say it.

Find it at www.buildingopenrelationships.com or www.sexpositivepsych.com or www.drlizpowell.com. Find her on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Her previous episode on this podcast was 554 Grief and loss in relationships.

31:50 Happy poly moment

Geoff and Sylvie share happy poly moments.

34:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Joseph Pred shares the Consent Framework, a tool for community organizers to get and enforce consent at events.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Host chat

• Did you enjoy February 28 National Metamour Day?
• We'll be speaking at It's Complicated in Tulsa, OK, April 6th

2:30 Poly in the news

• There's a dark side of polyamory that nobody talks about
• Seven polyamory myths it's time to stop believing
• Polyamory on the rise on NPR!

11:30 Interview: consent framework with Joseph Pred

• Download the consent frameworks
• Email address: [email protected]
• Website: consentframework.org
• Twitter: @consentframewrk
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/consentframework/

32:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Do families have to live together? My partners and I agreed to live together and have kids, but now I'm not so sure.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Host chat

• We took a two-month break to figure out what this podcast will be moving forward. We're excited about new guests and will be moving to a biweekly format.
• NCSF has declared February 28 National Metamour Day
• The Iron Realm podcast is an audio drama dungeon crawl RPG adventure.

5:45 Poly in the news

Is there such a thing as poly-dar? Do poly folks have certain recognizable traits?

8:00 Topic: Do families need to live together?

Lewis has a male partner and a woman partner, Sally, and the three of them have discussed living together as a family and fathering kids with Sally. However, Lewis says their communication has not been great and their relationship was pretty dysfunctional until recently. He also values his own space and privacy. Is it OK to father kids if you don't intend to live together as a family?

• Good instinct to get counseling when the relationship isn't already pretty healthy
• You decide what's good for you, not what's good for anyone else

17:30 Feedback

A listener calls in to ask how to find poly folks rural Pennsylvania.

22:45 Happy Poly Moment

• Danielle shares a snow day happy poly moment.
• Lusty Guy shares a surprise happy poly moment!

25:30 Thank you

Thanks to Shelly for the donation, and welcome Laurel and Terra to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

32:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Kevin Patterson, Chris Smith, Lusty Guy, and Minx discuss what we mean by "toxic masculinity" and how we should respond to both the term and the thing itself.

0:00 Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Host chat 1:30 Topic: Toxic masculinity

Kevin Patterson, creator of the Poly Role Models blog and author of Love's Not Color Blind and For Hire: Operator, Chris Smith, a doctoral student at Howard University, author of Open to Love: Polyamory and the Black American and relationship researcher, and Lusty Guy, our cohost and producer.

What is toxic masculinity? Setting absolutes on how gender can present and act. What makes it toxic? Anything in too great a quantity can be toxic. How toxic masculinity really relates to sports: if emotions are so key to teamwork, how can masculinity?

What do we want "masculine" to be? It's not inherent. Why is there a negative reaction to the idea of "toxic masculinity," as in any other instance where too much of something is toxic? First response should be to do a self-assessment.

How does this relate to polyamory? We need to beware of harem fantasies driving all the media representation of polyamory and of societal scripts of jealousy meaning love and other men being enemies. Everyone's a little bit toxic.

Find Kevin Patterson on email at [email protected], online at PolyRoleModels.tumblr.com, on Twitter at @PolyRoleModels, on facebook.com/PolyRoleModels. Oon Instagram at @PolyRoleModels, and his new fiction work For Hire: Operator is on facebook.com/ForHIreMag or on the web here: tinyurl.com/ForHireMag1 We talked with Kevin and Alana about this new work on episode 563 and about Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamory and Other Alternative Communities on episode 545.

Chris Smith in on Instagram at @SmithChristopherN or via email at [email protected]. We talked with Chris about Poly and the Black American on episode 528.

32:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."