Polyamory Weekly

What do you do when your long-distance partners move into town, and you find yourself with too many partners and too little time?

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What is polyamory? This is what it's really like to have multiple partners. Heath Schechinger is one of the leaders of the new Consensual Non-Monogamy Task Force within the American Psychological Association. They're getting stuff done to advance professional understanding of us and our needs.

Paul writes in as a relative poly newbie who finds himself with more local partners than he can manage. We advise that it's OK (and in fact, usually required!) to take time for yourself and love yourself first, figure out how you would ideally spend your time (putting your own needs first), and then share that information with your partners to see if that meets their needs and let them decide if they can live with that.

• Heath Schechinger writes in to share a happy poly moment about bringing up relationship orientation as part of the intake process at his clinic.
• Jim shares a fun story about his teenage son feeling comfortable enough to ask for personal lubricant—and to ask for his mom's boyfriend to come by (and no, those two things aren't related!)

Welcome Abraham, Jim, and Eric as our newest Poly Weekly Playmates!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Lawyer Melissa Hall shares exciting news about the new parentage act being enacted in Washington state and hopefully, beyond.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat and announcements

Let's talk about the new Netflix show, Wanderlust. **SPOILERS FROM 4:30-9:30**

Teen Vogue hits it out of the park again.

Melissa Hall shares updates to parentage laws in Washington state and adoptable throughout the U.S. The Parentage Act makes possible third-parent adoptions and establishes rules for de facto parentage. This enables third- (or fourth!)-parent adoptions. "Uniform law" means they'll push to enact in all 50 states.

New definitions of de facto parenting mean that the court can recognize people as parents when both the adult and kid see the kid as a parent, even if they aren't a legal parent. Find Melissa on Twitter at @vrimj, online at www.Smol-law.com or via email at [email protected].

Alana writes in about episode 560 Poly and pregnant, saying that they had to revert to monogamy during her pregnancy due to hormones, stress, and the insecurities that surfaced.

Louise in the U.K. writes in to share a story of going from being lonely and polyunsaturated to being in the middle of a long squiggly polycule and full of NRE.

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Kevin Patterson and Alana Phelan have come out with a new superhero novel in which queerness, polyamory, and people of color are normalized.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat and announcements

Poly Big Fun, an annual workshop and retreat for people who identify as polyamorous, will take place virtually on November 10th, 2018. Franklin Veaux will be presenting "My abuser is Woke: Recognizing abuse when an abuser is skilled in the language of social justice." Joreth Innkeeper will be presenting "Breaking up in the poly community." Visit www.polybigfun.com to register and find out more.

Kevin Patterson and Alana Phelan give us a taste of their new book, a superhero novel in centered on queer, poly people of color. Finally, a love triangle in which the existence of the triangle isn't the source of conflict! In this world, "operators" are the dirtier, heroes-for-hire in a world where law-abiding superheroes get all the press. What happens when a superhero and an operator are in a relationship?

Release is October 12, 2018 on Amazon; release party is October 24 at 6:00 in Philadelphia at Amalgam Comics and Coffee House. Alana is The Polyamorous Librarian online, on Facebook, and Patreon. Find Kevin as Poly Role Models on Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Patreon.

Follow For Hire on Facebook and Twitter.

Thanks to Miryam for becoming our latest PW Playmate!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

If my partner wants to date a long-time monogamous friend without her partner's explicit consent, how to I object without imposing my ethics on my partner?

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Where do my ethics end and my partner's begin?

Kate calls is uncomfortable with her partner's new person of interest (POI), who is a lifetime friend and in a monogamous relationship. The POI says she is bringing up poly with her partner, and Kate, her partner, and the POI are currently negotiating physical contact for an upcoming meeting to discuss Kate's partner and the POI's relationship. Kate is worried about violating the POI's relationship agreement with her mono partner.

• We both see this essentially as cheating, and we don't think it's a good idea for your partner to ask you to watch him cheat.
• Having meeting that doesn't include the POI's partner is duplicitous (or "skeevy", as Minx calls it)
• Can you trust a partner who is willing to violate someone else's relationship agreement?
• You can't tell a grown-ass adult what to do, but you can control your own behavior. You can choose not to participate in the meeting, to insist on talking to the POI's partner before the meeting to ensure transparency and consent, or you can choose to leave your existing relationship.

15:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

If our relationship is healthy, and I want more sex and to explore my bisexuality, will poly work for us?

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

• What's been going on with Minx, why we went on an unexpected hiatus (physical therapy for osteoarthritis).
• We're leaving for a 10-day vacation in Paris!
• And we'll be in Hawaii in January

9:30 Can poly work for a sexual mismatch?

Bryan is a bisexual man in Germany who loves his healthy relationship with his girlfriend of four years, except for one thing—he wants sex daily; she wants sex once a month. Can poly work for their sexual mismatch of their otherwise healthy relationship?

• Yes, it can, if your relationship is otherwise healthy.
• Unless what you really want is not more sex but more sex with your girlfriend--that won't work.
• Keep aware that even if you say you just want sex and no love/relationship—life doesn't work like that.
• Consider sex workers if you really just want more sex with no danger of anyone falling in love with anyone else. German FKK clubs are wonderful.
• If you decide sex workers aren't for you, take some time to discuss what you're afraid of. Explore these discussions over time and while you're in different moods, over weeks or even months.
• Do your research, find more books to read. Find your community.

22:30 Happy Poly Moment

R shares a cookie-baking happy poly moment.

25:30 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Chloé is pregnant and now feeling possessive of her husband. Should she ask her metamour to find someone else to date so she's not so in love with Chloé's husband?

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Poly in the news

An article came out in TIME Magazine, What Monogamous Couples Can Learn from Polyamorous Relationships, According to Experts, and it's amazingly good! Here's how poly folks can school monos, according to the article:

• Communication
• Defining the relationship
• Practicing safe sex
• Managing jealousy
• Maintaining a sense of independence

Read Alan's writeup of this article as well as his exhaustive roundup post of similar past articles.

14:00 Poly and pregnant

Chloé and her husband each have a long-distance relationship outside their own, which they see a few times a year. She is now pregnant and feeling more territorial about her husband. She's finding she wants her metamour not to be so in love with Chloé's husband and to find her "own" primary.

• Your feelings won't change if your metamour finds someone else, because they are YOUR feelings. Your insecurity is yours to own and manage.
• Try the And then what jealousy exercise as well as reviewing the other content we've done on jealousy.
• Look inwards to your own feelings instead of outward at your metamour.
• Your instinct to find a poly support network. Look both in life and online; we recommend the Poly Families Yahoo group.
• Phone, video, or in-person are the best media for relationship conversations.

22:30 Feedback

Friggin Limey wrote a response to episode 558 on deciding when to give up on poly. He has given up on poly and decided that monogamy is what he needs.

24:30 Happy Poly Moment

Kimberly writes in with a happy poly moment about her partner moving in with the family! She also asks about when and how to come out at work with her new job—should she bring her poly family to the "bring your family" event occurring before she starts?

31:15 Thank you!

Welcome to Matthew and Jeff as new Poly Weekly Playmates!

32:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

How to cope when your partners buy a house and consider adopting a teenager with little to no input from you.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• Thanks toMiss Fisher Con 2018 for hosting us. You should sign up for next year's mailing list!
• Listen to episode 558 to find out more about our sex-positive panel at Miss Fisher Con 2018 and more about the event itself.

2:00 My partners are making life decisions without me

A listener wrote in to ask what to do. He is a queer male in a quad. Seven years ago, he and his partner T moved to be in the same city as W and E. They had talked off and on about cohabitation, and recently W and E decided to get a bigger house that would accommodate the four of them. W and E decided on budget and location and showed their final choice to our letter writer and his partner, which left him feeling excluded from the decision-making process. Later on, he asked about some jokes W and E were making, and it turns out they were considering adopting a teenager, which until recently would have been a deal-breaker for him. He shut down and curled into a ball. He wants to confront them, but he fears losing the relationship.

• It's helpful not to think of this as a confrontation but instead a transparency session where everyone gets to say what they think and feel in a safe space.
• Focus on behaviors, not on assumptions about what those behaviors might mean. When you were bothered by your perception that W and E thought that the final home tour would be sufficient, own that you are talking about perceptions instead of actual communication.
• Own your own sh*t and ask for what you want. You never indicated that you actually told them how and when or even that you wanted to be involved in the home-buying process—it's your job to ask for that participation in so many words.
• Assume goodwill all around. If you haven't specified what you want, it's best to assume others' intentions are good.
• This is a great time to begin the habit of full disclosure. Communicate early and often. State expectations expressly instead of keeping them to yourself.

16:30 Happy Poly Moment

Alan writes in about trying poly because his wife wanted to date an old college boyfriend. He found a special friend at a poly event and they spent a lovely weekend together during which he got to meet his metamours and had a fun poly family experience.

18:30 Thank you!

Welcome to Tara, Christopher, Katherine, Nicola, Kerry, Elizabeth, Tony, and Heidi as new Poly Weekly Playmates!

19:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email [email protected].

Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Allison Moon cohosts this episode offering advice to a listener who wants to know when to give up on polyamory that is making everyone unhappy.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• Welcome to today's cohost, Allison Moon, author of Girl Sex 101 and Bad Dyke. Their new podcast is Artgasm.
• Allison, Liz Powell, Bianca and I did a fun panel on sex-positivity at Miss Fisher Con 2018! We had such a fantastic time and learned a lot. So grateful for that opportunity, and we learned a lot! You should sign up for next year's mailing list!
• And listen to the Miss Fisher Philes podcast if you're also a fan of the show; their Tumblr is here.

11:00 When to give up on polyamory

A listener wrote in to ask when to give up on polyamory. They had been married for 10 years and opened up because they both liked the idea; they read all the books; already made all the mistakes; wrote their user manuals; and they both love the idea. But they have yet to feel compersion and now often go to bed sobbing or angry, and the husband is going through depressive episodes. When do you give up on polyamory?

• In general, if a relationship structure isn't making you a happier and healthier version of yourself, it's OK to go back to one that is
• If your reason for trying polyamory isn't extremely compelling, maybe it isn't right for you—don't try to force something that feels wrong to you
• How are you measuring success? Consider measuring success by lessons learned or happiness rather than by ability to "get" a partner or by the absence of jealousy.
• All the emotions you feel are OK. Quit judging yourself for having emotions and instead use them to increase your self knowledge. Try the And then what
• Ignore the "sunk costs" fallacy—everything you've done so far will make you better at any relationship, so don't continue only because you feel you've invested so much in poly. You've invested that in YOU!

25:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

We chat with Kat Stark, blogger, podcaster, and author of Yelling in Pasties: the Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• Episode 555 intro music has been fixed—thanks to those who wrote in to let me know of the error
• Thank you to everyone who bought our books—we're coming to Paris this fall, thanks to your purchases!
• Come to the Life on the Swingset LGBTQIA+ takeover of the Desire Resort Riviera Maya in Cancún, Mexico! There will be live nude karaoke, demos of pegging, fisting, and flogging, speed dating, orgies and gang bangs and more! Find out more at com

5:45 Interview: Kat Stark

Kat Stark is a blogger and sex toy reviewer for OnTheWetCoast.com, they co-host the On The Wet Coast podcast, and have lent their voice as audiobook narrator for Cooper Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity. They are a genderqueer, sex-positive, geeky, non-monogamous, Canadian, queer, bisexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert.

We talk about why they wrote their new book, Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut and what it's like to open up a relationship, question one's gender identity, and deal with anxiety in one's mid-40s.

You can find them on Twitter as @WetcoastKat on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/WetcoastKat and on Instagram as kat.stark.

28:30 Happy poly moment

Lala writes in about a wonderful experience with a person whom she's been dating for six weeks.

30:30 Thank you!

Thanks to new Playmates Stacy and Kimberly, and thanks to Ulrike for the one-time donation!

31:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

A listener writes in to ask why she was surprised with her partner's dating someone else, even with shared calendars.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

The Netflix Party Chrome plugin lets you watch the same Netflix show simultaneously at different locations, and it has a chat feature!

3:00 Are shared calendars enough?

A listener is in a closed triad of eight months, joining a married couple (D and Y) of eight years in everyone's first poly relationship. They only started sharing calendars two weeks ago, and our listener saw a date night on their shared calendar on our listener's regular Friday date night. It turns out it was a couple D and Y had met previously, decided to have drinks with, and decided not to invite our listener. Our listener felt surprised and wanted to know how to handle scheduling with multiple partners.

• It's not unusual to feel bad about having someone else's date night sprung on them as a surprise. Calendars are no substitute for communication.
• Since you just started sharing calendars, let's assume goodwill all around and chalk it up to a communication glitch. D and Y might just have fallen into their old couple communications patterns. Minx has had a hard time breaking her solo-poly decision-making patterns, so let's take this as an opportunity to address a habit that might need to change.
• Never assume; always ask.
• If you want a standing date night, ask for it explicitly and ask for how you want it changed when changes are necessary.
• Calendar changes are great opportunities to do relationship check-ins to see how everyone is feeling about the current relationships.
• You get to have a say in dates and relationships that affect you. The Relationship Bill of Rights.
• It's generally better to give someone the option to say no rather than to assume the answer would be no and not invite them.

13:45 Happy poly moment

Natalie writes in with an adorable happy poly moment about her anniversary!

16:15 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."