Polyamory Weekly

A listener writes in to ask how to weed out the jerks when dating.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

• You've got me solo because LustyGuy and L are on vacation
• GREAT hanging out with Kevin Patterson on his Love's Not Color Blind book tour

3:10 How to weed out the jerks

Heather writes in to ask whether she should leave "poly" off her dating profile, since the last few guys either dumped her for someone else or might have been lying about being divorced. How does one weed out the creeps when dating?

• Poly is no guarantee of easy dating, any more than monogamy is
• Tips from No Dick Pics: Your Guide to Creating an Irresistible Online Dating Profile
  • Define what polyamory means to you and state specifically how you practice it
  • Try putting in a "test"—link to your user manual and ask a question from it to weed out anyone who hasn't read it. Or put in a quote from your favorite movie and request that respondents put the title of the movie as their message subject—that way, you can see immediately if they took enough time to read directions or not.
  • Set dating goals that are independent of other people's actions, such as "go on five dates this month" or "meet with my friend to sift through messages together" or "spend one night a week on self-care"
  • Go do thing you love; be your best and happiest self

15:15 Feedback

Kim calls in to keep Minx honest

16:15 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Dr. Liz Powell shares advice on dealing with grief and loss in relationships

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1:00 Announcements

We had a great time and debuted our new class,, The Art of the Breakup, at RelateCon in Boise, Idaho. Thanks for having us!

3:00 Dealing with grief and loss in relationships

Dr. Liz Powell shares insights from her class at RelateCon on dealing with grief and loss in relationships, both in terms of death and of breakups. Find out more about her, her work, and her upcoming book at SexPositivePsych.com and BuildingOpenRelationships.com

34:00 Thank you!

Thanks to Heather and Michael for their generous donations this week!

34:45 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

What if my metamour won't meet me? My metamour asked my partner to uninvite me to an event he'd invited me to to avoid meeting me, and now I feel displaced.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• We had a great time at Southwest Love Fest April 6-8
• We're also debuting a new class, The Art of the Breakup, at RelateCon April 25-27 in Boise, Idaho

5:00 What if my metamour won't meet me?

Nick from New Orleans wants to meet his metamours, but his partner's lovers don't want to meet him, and she would typically break up with them before he got the chance.

• Figure out your own personal boundaries and how important it is to you.
• With the understanding that you can't force anyone to meet you, express your needs and personal boundaries/limits around meeting metamours to your partner. Give her the chance to know your needs, which she can then communicate BEFORE she starts dating someone instead of after.
• Check out the Relationship Bill of Rights.

Rose is a straight cis woman with two partners, one local, and one, Greg, who lives a few hours away. His other partner Alice is monogamous, out-of-state, only tolerates Rose's existence, and refuses to meet Rose until Rose and Greg break up. Greg recently invited Rose to an event, and Alice asked him to un-invite her so that Alice could enjoy the event with Greg.

• Relationship Bill of Rights. You can say "no" to the request, perhaps with a counter-offer that you take this event, and she takes the next one. Begin negotiations. You have the right to seek compromise.
• You have an equal say in what your relationship with Greg will look like. Same for your relationship with Alice. And you have a right not to be treated as subordinate to anyone else in the relationship.
• It's important to discuss behaviors (Greg's uninviting you) and the emotions you feel around that, but resist the urge to assume motivations behind Alice's behavior.
• Having the hinge of the vee do all the communication with the edges of the vee is problematic. Every play "telephone"? Open communication will prevent a lot of drama.

24:00 Feedback

Anonymous asks if women experience a post-coital bliss state similar to that following male orgasm after a squirting orgasm.

27:30 Happy poly moment

A listener wrote in to share the joys of dating your species!

31:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Cesar's wife told him she missed him and then left to be with her lover. Is the solution to tell her not to say she misses him?

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• We'll be teaching Painless Poly Dating 101 and Poly Pitfalls: Fixing Things When They Break at Southwest Love Fest April 6-8
• We're also debuting a new class, The Art of the Breakup, at RelateCon April 25-27 in Boise, Idaho
• Professor Marsten and the Wonder Women is now available for streaming on Hulu
• And in related news, Minx gave herself permission to stop reading The Secret History of Wonder Woman and opt instead to start a new book more focused on a feminist hero, Americanah

7:45 Poly in the News

A poly quad was on the Today show on March 1 and holy crap it was great

10:00 My wife chose her lover over me

Cesar called in to ask for advice. His wife opened up their relationship and has a "fuckbuddy." Cesar has four jobs; she has one. Time together is at a minimum. When she picked him up one night, she told him she missed him and then left to spend the night with her other partner. Cesar got mad, asked her not to tell him she missed him if she was going to leave. He feels she should have spent the evening with him having makeup sex instead of with her other partner.

• Was her date a surprise? If so, talk about minimizing surprises by discussing scheduling and changes to the schedule in advance.
• Did you decide together to open up the relationship, or did your wife make the decision to open up? If the latter, you will have a lot of additional feelings to unpack.
• Let her be the expert on her. Believe your partner when she expresses her feelings and vulnerability. Accusing her of lying is responding to her vulnerability with aggression.
• Never tell a partner to stop telling you how they feel! Try responding to her "I miss you" with "I miss you, too. When can we make time for each other?" Or try using the "when you ____, I feel ___" structure to share your feelings about what she just said.
• Don't borrow trouble. Stop imaging the worst.
• Ask for what you want. Have you asked for more time with her?
• She didn't skip makeup sex with you because you hadn't made up! You've made up when you both have a shared understanding of the conflict, you've both apologized for your contributions to it, and you have both agreed on specific actions to prevent it in the future.

27:30 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Is it OK to date someone who doesn't communicate well if he's all that's available and I like him?

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• Take the Relations Decisions Lab survey and click Participants>Open Relationship survey if you are currently monogamous and looking to open up your relationship
• Come to Poly Dallas Millennium in Dallas this year!

4:15 Listener question: is it OK to date the strong, silent type?

Copper is in a rural area of Alaska and met a guy that she experienced a strong connection with, but he's not very communicative, and she's afraid of oversharing. How does she mesh the "poly culture" of emotional intelligence and communication with the "Alaskan culture" of not communicating around emotions?

• Lusty Guy says it's not about cultures but about what YOU need. And do you really want to date someone who blew you off?
• Minx says "you do you." Be yourself. He might not be afraid of your oversharing—you won't know until you try.
• Fuck poly community standards—do you need someone who communicates well? If not, go to it! If you are OK dating someone you can't share your shit with or just need Mr. Right Now, go right ahead.

16:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Ben Shenker, a lawyer practicing in Maryland and D.C., answers your poly questions

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• Take the Relations Decisions Lab survey and click Participants>Open Relationship survey if you are currently monogamous and looking to open up your relationship
• We'll be at Southwest Love Fest next month!

3:15 Ask Benjamin Shenker, a poly lawyer

Listeners call and write in to ask:

• Besides an LLC, how can more than two people own property together? (LLC, partnership, corporation, trust or a tenancy in common)
• If my ex has remarried in a more traditional arrangement and my long-term poly partner is married (not to me), does that put me at risk of losing custody of my kids?
• Is claiming a second legal marriage the only way to be prosecuted for polygamy?
• What are some of the ways to get marriage benefits without being legally married?

Find him at polyamory.law or on Twitter at @polyamorylawyer or Facebook at Law Office of Benjamin Shenker.

NCSF is a resource if you need help with child custody issues.

31:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Diana Ryan and Kieland McClellan advise on how to get the most out of swinging as a person of color.

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

Email [email protected] if you are 18 or over, live in Canada or the US, are poly with at least one partner, and are willing to participate in a study that requires 12 monthly surveys.

2:30 How to get what you want out of swinging

Diana Ryan and Kieland McClellan give advice to a listener who doesn't feel welcome in most swinging spaces in Wisconsin and who keeps encountering women interested in her man but not in her.

• See who you vibe with and ignore the rest
• Ask the host to introduce you to people
• If there is a Facebook group, chat people up there first and invite them to say hello when they see you at the live events
• Consider reassessing only playing together—maybe playing separately in the same room?
• Or consider kink events, where people can be more open-minded

Find Diana on her website, 360 Life Skills, on Twitter at @ch1pmunkryan, Facebook at 360 Coaching & Counseling, and Instagram at with_coach_di. Kieland is available on Facebook at Keiland McClanahan or via email at mailto:[email protected].

27:45 Happy poly moment

Jai writes in to share her happy sisterhood poly moment after episode 544.

29:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Brenda Wiebe discusses her new book, Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Announcements

• Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life is out now!
• Please support Kitty Chambliss' Patreon for her new podcast on Love Without Boundaries

3:20 Poly in the News

• Hidden Brain does a podcast on marriage that mentions consensual nonmonogamy
• com article on a poly dad
• Polyamory in Iceland

8:05 Brenda Weibe: Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life

Brenda Wiebe currently lives in downtown Salt Lake City with her partner. She completed two back to back masters' programs, one in sociology and the other in anthropology. She taught courses at the college level for both subjects. She has also given presentations about polyamory to poly/swinger/kink communities and at a conference about polyamory called RelateCon. Currently, her full time job is social work geared toward helping vulnerable adults.

Three years ago she began working on Catch and Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life where she uses her skills as a researcher of sociology and anthropology to write a review of different relationship patterns throughout human history; as well as, a summary of some of the leading current research on relationships. Intermingled throughout the science is the story of her journey to polyamory. Her goal is to explain how cultural pressures and religious indoctrination have created the current mainstream monogamous model that is so prevalent in today's society and offer an alternative.

When she's not writing or working, Brenda enjoys reading fantasy novels, drinking the beer her partner brews, and wandering in the mountains when the weather is nice.

Brenda is at nonmonogblog.com and on Twitter as blwiebe69 and Facebook at B.L. Wiebe and Instagram at blwiebe

Her book is Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack My Love Life.

31:00 Happy poly moment

Nancy in Cleveland writes in to share nine months of Happy Poly Moments around organizing her local poly group

33:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

How to you reassure your new poly partner when you're going to be 8,000 miles away for the next three years?

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Announcements

• Congratulations to Brooklynn Clark on winning an advance copy of Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities
• We'll be at Southwest Love Festin Tucson, AZ April 7-9
• And we'll be at RelateCon in Boise, ID April 27-29

3:15 Listener question: how do I give reassurances in my long-distance relationship?

Veronica calls in to ask how to reassure her new poly partner who is now 8,000 miles away. Won't this become a problem when they start seeing other people over the next three years? Minx says to ask her partner what he needs and to say what you need; LustyGuy says not to borrow trouble for something that isn't yet an issue.

14:45 Feedback

Maria calls in to call Minx out on referring to LustyGuy as "already trained."

18:00 Happy poly moment

Melissa writes in to share a happy poly moment as to how a solo poly partner can help enrich her partner and metamour's relationship!

20:25 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."

Erich Viedge interviews Chris Deaton about polyamory and BDSM

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:15 Announcements

• We'll be at Southwest Love Festin Tucson, AZ April 7-9
• And we'll be at RelateCon in Boise, ID April 27-29

2:00 Poly in the news

The tabloids are loving poly story packages

6:30 Interview: Chris Deaton on hierarchy and power dynamics in polyamory

Our South African correspondent Erich Viedge interviews researcher Chris Deaton on hierarchy and power dynamics in polyamory. He is doing a survey on how power exchange in BDSM poly relationships are reflected in poly relationships that might otherwise be egalitarian.

279 Polyamory and BDSM with Raven Kalera

538 Coming out to your kids with Casey Blake

28:00 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email [email protected] and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, "Good Suspicions."