Raising Daughters

Show Notes: Listen in and learn some ways that parents may be contributing to or causing their daughter’s anxiety. Ways that parents cause anxiety in their children: Kids reflect the adults around them: kids may mirror their parent’s anxieties and worries. This is especially true for parents who have an untreated anxiety disorder Kids may respond to traumatic experiences like child abuse or parent’s fighting or domestic violence by becoming anxious. These kinds of experiences may cause their amygdala to be overly sensitive to experiences that then more easily trigger anxiety. The concept of ghosts in the nursery and the vulnerable child syndrome was the topic of an old podcast of mine on 3-24-22, so review that for more info on this phenomenon. Being overly cautious and constantly warning kids about potential dangers Focusing on achievement more than character can cause increased anxiety in children. An excessive pressure to excel is described also as a cause of anxiety in kids. Don’t mine for pain! What can parents do? Dr. Jordan describes several ways parents can avoid the above issues that cause and contribute to children’s anxiety. Listen, get in their shoes & empathize, stay kind but don’t join their emotions.   My past podcast interview with author Meg Jay on adversities kids face: 6-23-21  

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Show notes: Listen to 4 young adults candidly explain their fears about growing up and settling like their parent’s generation. How the path to adulthood has changed over the years Dr. Jordan presents data showing … Why Teens Don’t Want to Grow Up Read More »

Show Notes: Listen to 4 young adults candidly explain their fears about growing up and settling like their parent’s generation. Dr. Jordan presents data showing how the life path of young adults today is so much different than in previous generations. Learn about a new stage in their life span called emerging adulthood and how it impacts their mental health and plans. Dr. Jordan also presents data revealing the increased levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness in millennials as well as the dissatisfaction many adults feel in their careers. The four young women then discuss the following questions about their fears of growing up: What does growing up mean to you? What are your fears about growing up and where do you think they come from? Do you get overwhelmed with all the choices & opportunities presented to you? Talk about your fear of how making one wrong choice or decision will derail your whole life and the stress and anxiety that comes from this worry. What is effect of watching your parent’s lives, marriages, careers? Discuss your fears about settling with your life, career, and marriage.

For more good insight into how young adults feel about growing into adulthood, have your daughter and you read Dr. Jordan’s book,  Letters from My Grandfather: Timeless Wisdom for a Life Worth Living 2 other good reads on this topic of preparing for adulthood: The Defining Decade by meg Jay; also listen to Dr. Jordan’s podcast interview with Meg Jay about her book Finding Your Element by Ken Robinson        

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Show Notes: School dress codes are sexist and often result in body shame, self-objectification, powerlessness, and making girls responsible for boy’s bad behaviors. Topics discussed in this podcast: Should girls be allowed to wear what … School Dress Codes Are Sexist and Damaging To Girls Read More »

Show Notes: Topics discussed in this podcast: Should girls be allowed to wear sexy outfits to school? Dances? Going to parties? How are school dress codes damaging to girls? What can parents do to support their daughters with this issue? Old beliefs drive decisions about dress codes: that the female body is inherently tempting and leads to sin, so cover it! School dress codes tend to target girls more than boys; inherent message that girls and women can’t be trusted to dress themselves properly, so we have to mandate laws & dress codes to stop them from tempting boys and men Message dress code and violations gives to boys: The idea that they cannot control themselves in the presence of girls and women who look a certain way implies that they are no more than animals with no self-control Dr. Jordan shares insights about what girls say about why they dress the ways that they do. Self-expression plays a crucial role in identity development and one major form of this expression is through one’s clothing. “Fashion and clothing are used to create and reveal a cultural, social, and personal identity. Part of their identity is embodied by clothing and fashion. Effects of dress codes on girls: studies found that 83% of students cited for dress code violations were girls. Study findings also demonstrated how the methods of school dress code enforcement promote a sexually objectifying environment in which girls feel physically and psychologically unsafe. Also, the findings of this study revealed that girls experience body shame, self-objectification, and powerlessness through dress code enforcement and sex education in school. Sexism is rampant in the writing and implementation of school dress codes, as the words used are targeted towards girls and women according to a study of 481 public schools surveyed. Studies show that increased anxiety, depression, and aggression results from this kind of discipline Prohibited clothing items: strapless top, spaghetti straps, halter top, low neckline, short dresses, pajamas, sheer clothing, short skirt, narrow straps, leggings, tight clothing, crop top, backless shirt, fishnet clothing, visible bra straps, holes above thighs, sleeveless shirt, frayed clothes, cutoff shorts, backless dress, off shoulder shirt, spandex clothing, no underwear, holes above knees, swimwear, pants with holes, visible underwear, short shorts According to the same survey, the words “distracting” and “disruptive” appeared in 76% of dress codes, suggesting that the exposure of certain body parts, such as the midriff, interferes with learning Dress codes today put the onus on the wearer, not their peers, to dress and act a particular way. But the notion that girls are responsible for boys being respectful, which dress codes enforce, can be a damaging precedent to set. it can also send the message that girls are automatically at fault when boys are not respectful; “It’s my responsibility to make sure the boys’ thoughts are not unclean.” So, what’s a parent to do? Dr. Jordan offers many suggestions about how parents can use dress codes to create open dialogue about clothing, responsibility, objectification, and sexism. Links to good articles on this topic: Dress code effects on girls: Dress codes sexualize women: Why dress codes are unhealthy:  

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Show Notes:  Can we please find better alternatives then the military for young adults to experience risk, adventure, mission, and purpose? 3 books on what draws young adults to the military Dr. Jordan was inspired … Girls Need To Experience More Risk & Adventures Read More »

Show Notes: Can we please find better alternatives then the military for young adults to experience risk, adventure, mission, and purpose? Dr. Jordan was inspired to do this podcast after reading three books: Pat Tillman: Where Men Win Glory; Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer; a soon to be published book from his friend Ginny Luther about her son Bart’s military experience Pat Tillman was an active, intense, rambunctious kid who loved roughhousing, being loud, taking risks, and was constantly in trouble for his behaviors. He walked away from a multimillion-dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals NFL football team to join the army after the 9/11 attack, becoming an icon on post-9/11 patriotism. The fact that Pat believed the Iraq war to be illegal and about false reports of weapons of mass destruction did not prevent him from wanting desperately to get into the fight, face the enemy fire alongside his comrades, to prove himself in battle, and become a part of a rarefied warrior culture. Like many young men, he had aspired to engage in mortal combat since being a little boy, itching to confront the enemy firsthand and prove themselves under fire. Sadly, two years into his service he was killed in action from bullets from his own troops, unleashing a government coverup. Jon Krakauer joined an expedition to climb the summit of Mt. Everest, despite the large number of fatalities of past climbers. Much of his motivation for the climb came from his belief that achieving the summit of a mountain was tangible, immutable, concrete; the incumbent hazards lent the activity a seriousness of purpose that was sorely missing from the rest of his life; “I thrilled in the fresh perspective that came from tipping the ordinary plane of existence on end.” Another climber, John Taske, wrote that, “When I left the military, I sort of lost my way. I discovered I couldn’t really speak to civilians; my marriage fell apart. But when I started to climb, the sport provided most of what had been missing for me in civilian life, the challenge, the camaraderie, the sense of mission.” Dr. Jordan describes the temperament of many natural born risktakers: independent-minded, intense, risk-takers, physical, restless, active, love the outdoors. These kids are often described as: hyperactive, wild, can’t sit still, out-of-control, impulsive, ODD, not listen, don’t like to be told no, want things their way, intense, stubborn, willful, like a wild colt kicking against the slats of their corral. This podcast shares stories of people who fit this description who ended up as incredible, successful, trailblazing adults, including Elizabeth Blackburn, the  1st woman to be president of Salk Institute; Loretta Lynch, the 1st African-American woman to become US attorney general, as well as his two sons and one of his female campers who created adventures for themselves. Dr. Jordan asks that we look for opportunities for our kids to take risks, have adventures, and make their own path. He describes several programs such as Teach for America, Peace Corp, Well Aware clean water not-for-profit (http://wellawareworld.org/join), listen to an interview with the founder of this NFP Sarah Evans on Dr. Jordan’s podcast from 8-18-22, and Woofing ( www.wwoof.net ) There are other, better alternatives then the military for young adults to experience risk, adventure, mission, and purpose; help kids find them and start as a culture valuing these experiences and people.              

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Show Notes: Learn the evolutionary, brain, and hormonal reasons behind dating and falling in love Evolution:  Romantic love evolved to enable you to focus your mating energy on just one individual at a time, and to reproduce and pass on your genes. Attachment evolved to get you to stick with this person at least long enough to raise a single child together. Learn the stages of courtship: attention-getting, recognition, grooming talk, touching, and body synchronicity Dr. Jordan describes the brain chemistry of falling in love, which underlies these stages of courting: romantic phase, attraction phase, attachment phase, and the honeymoon phase. Each phase is driven by different chemicals including testosterone, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and oxytocin. Learn how these chemicals create bonding, stress, euphoria, and seeking and craving feelings similar to addictions. Dr. Jordan also discusses what happens chemically when we go thru a breakup, and how that affects girl’s emotions and behaviors. Listen to this podcast with your daughter and help her become aware of why she acts and feels the way she does as far as dating and romantic partners. Girls in my retreats and camps love my discussions on this subject, because no one has ever helped them understand their intense feelings and drives; “It makes sense!” Talking about this will activate her prefrontal cortex to help her reason thru decisions about her relationship; it’s important not to make decisions strictly emotionally. Check out all of the resources provided by Dr. Jordan at his site, www.drtimjordan.com Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Show Notes: In this podcast, learn the social readiness signs that would indicate your daughter is ready to try social media Learn how the teenage brain is more susceptible to addictions, risky behaviors, and the need to belong and fit in and be included by peers. Because of these vulnerabilities, Dr. Jordan lays out why teen girls are at risk for misusing social media and being negatively affected by it. In this podcast, learn about some of the most important social signs that would indicate your daughter is ready to try social media. These include: Staying disconnected from drama: Does she do a good job of staying out of drama? Not get sucked into friend’s squabbles? Not add to it? Does your daughter have a history of staying in balance and taking breaks from friends? Does she have friends in different groups she can hang with if one group becomes toxic? Handle conflicts directly and peacefully: Has she shown the courage and maturity to be able to confront friends, set boundaries, tell friends her needs and also listen to theirs to create win-win solutions? Does she understand the difference with being passive, aggressive, and assertive? Healthy friends: Mirror neurons in our brain causes individual choices to be powerfully shaped by what other people do, think, want, and what we think they want us to do. Girls are hard-wired to connect; being alone meant death starting back in dangerous, uncivilized times. Mirror neurons keep track of what other people are thinking, feeling, and doing. It can cause girls to constantly compare themselves to her peers or people in the media: Am I fitting in? Doing right thing? Doing anything that may get me thrown out? It's critical that she hangs with healthy friends because things like emotions and rule-breaking are contagious. Has she struggled to make or keep friends?  Does she have a past history of being excluded or kicked out of her friend group? Experiences like that can cause your daughter to develop unhealthy decisions about herself: I’m not good enough, cool enough, pretty enough, I’m too annoying or awkward. These beliefs will make her vulnerable for not being herself, doing things and giving up parts of herself to fit in, having less courage to set boundaries, be at risk for being abused and used. Is she being bullied currently or in the past? No best friend or a group? This can make her more vulnerable to being a target without the protection of a group around her; does she have a history of victimization? Has she been a target? Listen to my recent podcast on cyberbullying published 1-12-23 Does she know how to be alone without being lonely?  The crowd and social media distracts us from inward reflection; it’s easy for girls to become plugged in constantly and outwardly focused. The girl who constantly texts and checks Instagram hasn’t heard from herself in a long time. Devices and social media makes it hard to not be preoccupied with what’s going on out there vs. within you; when alone, your thoughts and feelings are oriented inward; it’s a slower and quieter experience. Has your daughter learned to cultivate, use, and enjoy quiet alone time? Summary: No middle school or high school girl is going to be perfect and always live out these qualities; they are a work in progress.  Let her know what you will be looking for socially to let you know she’s mature enough to handle what social media will throw at her. She’ll earn the privilege to try social media once she has earned it. It’s important to practice these social skills at home: conflict resolution, setting boundaries, not allow teasing to hurt her, learning about how to enjoy and have quiet alone time.    

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Show Notes:  Stop trying to change your daughter and accept her for who she is, even if she is different than your family. Why parents may have a hard time accepting & relating to their … Parent and Love the Daughter You Have Read More »