Raising Daughters

Show Notes: Research shows that time in nature is associated with improved mental health, decreased stress, enhanced creativity and prosocial behaviors, and increased connection to each other. This podcasts describes the research behind the positive effects of more contact and interaction with nature, including: reduced anger, fear, and stress and the production of stress hormones. Being in nature is good for improving concentration and decreasing the mental fatigue associated with living in stressful urban environments. urban environments require what’s called directed attention, which forces us to ignore distractions and exhausts our brains. In natural environments, we practice an effortless type of attention known as soft fascination that creates feelings of pleasure, not fatigue. Interactions with nature also creates positive restorative outcomes related to stress reduction, relaxation, tranquility, escapism, physical exercises, increased longevity, and recovery from sickness. Dr. Jordan describes the positive effects of bird-watching and listening to birdsongs either in person or via recordings. This podcast also discusses the findings of Dr. Richard Louv in his insightful book, Last child in the woods: saving our children from nature-deficit disorder, including the link between access to greenspace and attention deficit disorder and children’s well-being.  Dr. Jordan also discusses the benefits of time in nature for children in particular including: building confidence, promoting creating creativity and imagination, teaching responsibility, getting kids moving, and encouraging kids to think. Nature in many ways also connects us all to each other and the larger world and read here of the research that demonstrates this benefit. Dr. Jordan also describes in detail some ideas about how parents can increase their children and family’s engagement in nature. He gives lots of ideas of activities to do together with your children outdoors, as well as fun outdoor activities he does with the girls who attend his weekend retreats and summer camps at Camp Weloki for girls 10 Nature Activities for Families article: ways that families could connect with the natural world bird-watching: Listen to Dr. Jordan’s previous podcast where he interviews the author of the book, No Boundaries book podcast, 2-24-22)  describing some eminent women who are doing some unique, groundbreaking work in nature; the book will provide your girls some role models for working in nature. For information on Dr. Jordans weekend retreats & summer camps for girls, click on this link: Camp Weloki for Girls  

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Show Notes: Elevate your parenting by creating an end in mind and using it to guide all of your decisions; listen in for how to do this. Learn the two main fears driving today’s parents to micromanage and overprotect their children: fears your kids are falling behind their peers and the uncertainty of how to prepare kids for an uncertain and ever-changing future so different from parent’s experiences. Begin with the end in mind: use this habit from Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, to decide on what’s most important and what you value most for your family and parenting. This end in mind becomes the basis for all of your parenting decisions, not what’s popular or what everyone else is doing. Dr. Jordan discusses how to develop a personal and family mission statement in order to focus on what’s important for you personally and for your family. Learn the steps for running weekly family meetings to empower kids to take more responsibility at home and to learn to advocate for themselves, listen to the needs of others, create win-win agreements, build community, and develop self-determination. Understand the value of putting first things first and focusing on things that are most important such as: prevention, relationship building, planning, recreation, mission statement, family meetings, celebrating successes. Focus more time on important but not urgent things: things that are important should contribute to your mission and values and highest goals; we are too easily diverted into responding to urgent things that are not important. The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities To get a copy of our family meeting guidelines for your family, email [email protected] and ask to receive a copy directly to your email. For more info on how to develop a family mission statement, go to this link: https://msb.franklincovey.com/missions/family/   Click on this link to order Dr. Jordan’s book, Letters From My Grandfather: Timeless Wisdom For a Life Worth Living    

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Show Notes: The critical ingredients for developing talent are inspiration, deep practice, good coaches, and autonomy. In this podcast, Dr. Jordan describes what kids need in order to develop their talents: Autonomy: creative geniuses are not qualitatively better in their fields; they produced > volume of work that gave them > variation and a higher chance of originality; quantity is the most predictable path to quality. Thus, kids need to have autonomy in choosing their interests, down time to try things out and daydream and take risks and make mistakes Dr. Jordan describes the concept of deep practice which underlies the 10,000 hour rules of mastery; This starts with ignition or getting inspired by role models. Experience causes intense, unconscious emotional response = love, fascination, inspired, on fire = “I want to be like them, willing to delay gratification: “I want X, so I better do Y like crazy right now”, motivated by desire to connect ourselves to high-achieving people or groups. Deep practice repetition: reach or stretch self slightly beyond your current ability, spending time in the zone of difficulty called the sweet spot. Myelin: wraps nerve fibers making signal stronger, faster, more accurate by preventing electrical impulses from leaking out; whenever practice anything, myelin responds by wrapping layers of insulation around that neural circuit, each new layers adds a little more skill and speed; the thicker the myelin gets, the better it insulates & the faster and more accurate our movements & thoughts become. the more you generate impulses to specific area of brain, encountering & overcoming difficulties, the more neural scaffolding you build; the more scaffolding you build, the faster you learn. Practice makes myelin, and myelin makes perfect; nerve firings grow myelin; myelin controls speed; impulse speed is skill; need autonomy, passion, persistence b/c wrapping myelin around a big circuit requires immense energy & time. Importance of early coaches: crucial in 1st phase of learning to get learner involved, captivated, hooked, and to need & want more info & expertise; made initial learning pleasant, fun, rewarding; much was playful activity, like a game. The best coaches use explain, demonstrate, imitation, correction, and repetition. Other topics described in this podcast: Value passion where you find it; Give kids autonomy to choose activities and move on when they want to; Give kids autonomy to choose activities and move on when they want to; Trust that inspiration & motivation come at different ages & often thru misfortune; Help them find their tribe; affirm character vs. actions Read these books for a more in-depth look at developing talent: Range by David Epstein; The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle, Dark Horse by Todd Rose, Originals by Adam Grant, The Element by Ken Robinson Go to www.drtimjordan.com for more resources from Dr. Jordan      

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Show Notes: It’s healthy for girls to realize the many ways their parents do love them vs. lamenting the ways they don’t. Dr. Jordan describes the concept of ‘Ghosts in the nursery’ to discover the reasons underlying parent’s behaviors; link to previous podcast on ghosts in the nursery Reframing parent’s behaviors as ways they are loving their children is therapeutic and keeps kids out of anger, resentment, and feeling unloved. Examples of how parents love their daughters: Acts of service, doing things for them, giving rides, fixing things Working long hours to provide a good life for them Over worrying, micromanaging, and overprotecting are ways parents show love and concern. Being overly strict, asking 50 questions about their daughter’s life, putting a child up for adoption, and going right to fix-it mode when listening Parents with a different love language than their daughter may have a harder time showing love in the way girls prefer, thus the need to educate each other about your love language For lots of reasons, sometimes parents are unable to provide the love a girl needs in the way she wants it, and so it is normal and critical she finds other parent figures who can be there in the ways she needs at different times in her life For more information on how to support your daughter’s emotions and friendship challenges, check out Dr. Jordan’s online course, Parenting girls: The challenges girls face today with their feelings and friends and what they need        

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Show Notes: Learn some specific ways parents can support high school seniors as they transition to the next leg of their journey. Understand & normalize touch point feelings: lots of emotions arrive with any change, transition, and leap in development. Help your daughter become aware of these feelings, reframe them as normal, and find healthy ways to express them. Encourage girls to focus on all of the emotions they are feeling, not just anxiety; i.e. excitement, adventure, freedom. Link to Previous podcast on touch points Listen without solving their problems, fixing, or rescuing. Listen, mirror, get in her shoes, empathize, don’t jump to problem-solving & fix-it mode; share your stories so she knows you can relate. Link to Previous podcast on listening Link to Previous podcast: why teens don’t want to grow up Let go of knowing what’s best for them; it’s their life & path now; Let go of the teacher role; become a consultant vs. a manager or micromanager Girls need to cultivate quiet, alone time to reflect, process thru issues, become aware of intuition & gut & what their heart says; take long walks, journal, art to open up creative parts of brain Reframe belief that 1 mistake or “bad” decision will derail their whole life, tell your stories of mistakes & your zig-zagging path Dot Theory: be open to dots, follow heart & urges, life will connect dots, life unfolds; Link to previous podcast on Dr. Jordan’s dot theory: Ask how they want you to support them with process of transition: Ps responsibility is to ask what they need, respect it, set boundaries Girl’s responsibility is to continually educate parents about what they need, how they want parents to support them, be specific, set boundaries Learn to connect in different ways: Relationship will change, will never be the same: grieve the loss Can be better, kids on more equal footing, can watch fruits of your labors come to fruition Even high school seniors need a safe base: like when they were toddlers, just be there in the way they want you to be there Take care of yourself: Easier for kids to move on if not pulled back by struggling parents Importance of investing time in marriage all along the way so not strangers when kids leave the nest If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.   A.A. Milne To access the links Dr. Jordan referred to in this podcast, go to his website at www.drtimjordan.com or click on the links above.

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Show Notes: Understanding why your teen is disrespectful will help you stay more detached but more supportive. The many ways we disrespect teenagers: How schools disrespect teenagers School: early start times, expecting every teen to … Why Is My Teenager So Disrespectful? Read More »

Show Notes: Understanding why your teen is disrespectful will help you stay more detached and supportive. The many ways we disrespect teenagers: School: early start times, expecting every teen to be a perfect generalist, parents and teachers focusing on achievement over character We label and medicate strongminded, independent, powerful kids vs. understand their growing edges and providing outlets for their power. Having an autocratic parenting style: parents are disrespectful when they yell, criticize, spank, micromanage, not give kids choices and decision-making, dissuade teens from their interests and passions, try to mold them into our vision of who they are and their future path Listening: it’s disrespectful when listening to our kids to interrupt, go too quickly to fix-it mode, and not respect the context for sharing that is most safe for them. Listen to my podcast from 5-4-23 on 8 mistakes parents make with listening. Tell child’s personal stories to parent’s friends or relatives Compare them to siblings and blame the oldest child too often Bombard them with 20 questions as she walks in the door after school, not allowing her  time to decompress and make sense of her day. Excessively high expectations, not let your child create their own expectations or create their own path. Not understand teenager’s separation-individuation stage with its need to build their own identity distinct from ours. Not allow them more privacy and alone time in room   Parents can be disrespectful by taking their own anger out on their children Teenager’s emotional brain matures faster than their prefrontal cortex, causing them to get angry and overwhelmed and moody; parents become disrespectful when they take their teen’s moods personally and react with the same. Not allow them to have their own opinions, not let go of the teacher role as they grow up, and not turn over knowing what’s best for them Ask permission before you give advice!    

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Show Notes: If you want to remain an influence in your daughter’s life, avoid these 8 mistakes parents make in listening. 8 Mistakes parents make when listening: Stop giving me advice! Stop giving me advice! Just … 8 Mistakes Parents Make When Listening Read More »

Show Notes: If you want to remain an influence in your daughter’s life, avoid these 8 mistakes parents make in listening. 8 Mistakes parents make when listening: Stop giving me advice! Just listen, mirror, and empathize without trying to reassure, fix, or problem-solve; when girls share they shift from their amygdala & emotional centers into their prefrontal cortex where reason can supplant emotion. Be fully present vs. distracted! Don’t turn my venting around and make it about you! Stop hailing on me! The concept of the turtle, your teen, and the hailstorm, you, fits here. Teens often normally retreat a little into their shells due to their need for privacy and individuation. Parents often worry due to receiving less information from their teen, so they ‘hail’ more, i.e., ask more questions at the wrong time, which causes the turtle to retreat further into their shell, and so on. So stay calm, don’t hail, and the turtle has a responsibility to poke their heads out and share more so that you both avoid this issue. Respect my context: allow teens to have more control over when, where, and how they share with you. If teen not sharing about their experience or feelings, try not asking direct questions about them but instead ask how their peers are feeling about the issue. Dr. Jordan offers more examples of how to find the con text that works best to make her feel safe to open up. Stop playing hot potato with my emotions! Once she vents, your daughter often walks away feeling lighter and thus can move on from the situation. Don’t be left holding onto all of her stuff, release it and you move on as well. Stop putting your crap onto my story! Don’t add your feelings & personal past stories from your childhood into their stories and situations, it causes them to feel overwhelmed. Dr. Jordan describes the concept of Ghosts in the nursery click on this link to hear his previous podcast on this concept. How Ps handle their own distress strongly influences the psychological climate at home, which then shapes the emotional lives of kids. Teens need a safe, secure base they can rely on to be there for them when needed. So,  stay calm when responding to an upset teen.  Be available: if you are around enough and available, teens know they can count on you to be there just in case they need to talk or bounce things off of you. Just like when they were toddlers and came back for some loving support, teens need the same kind of present, caring parent for security and love. For more information on how to support your daughters, go to my website at www.drtimjordan.com and check out past blogs and podcasts, my 6 books, and my retreats and camps.  

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Show Notes: Understanding what your emotions are teaching you normalizes them & aids girls in managing them. How feelings can teach you about yourself Feelings Meanings: see feelings as vital sources of information and motivation, and … Why Girls Need To Be Angry, Anxious, and Crying Read More »