Relationship Alive!

How do you get in touch with what you’re feeling in the moment? How do you take that a step further, and tune into your partner? And how do you take that state, and turn it into deep intimacy, connection, and...well...hot sex? And can you keep that dance alive with your partner even if you have children competing for your time and attention?

Today, our guest is Dr. Keith Witt, Integral Psychologist, and author of several amazing books, including The Attuned Family: How to be a Great Parent To Your Kids, and a Great Lover to Your Spouse. His popular online course, Loving Completely, just came out at the beginning of 2015, and he often appears with Jeff Saltzman on the Daily Evolver show. In today’s wide-ranging conversation, we get into the practical details of how to practice what Keith calls “attunement” - and how it can help you resolve conflict, deepen your connection to yourself and your partner, and, if you have kids, be a better parent. Keith distills his vast wisdom from years of practice - he’s conducted over 55,000 therapy sessions with his clients - and he is on the cutting edge of how to take a relationship to new levels of growth, connection, and passion - especially when you’re past the honeymoon stage with your partner. We also talk about infidelity - why it’s a bad idea, and how to repair when it’s occurred. So - we’re going to cover a lot of ground, and this episode is a little bit longer than most of our episodes - but stick with it as it’s value-packed the whole way through.

Keith discusses the following principles from his book and his experience as a psychologist:

• The relationship between partners changes after the birth of the first child. This is the premise of The Attuned Family. Couples who learn to reorganize their lives and their relationship to factor in the new circumstances and transition from the honeymoon stage will be better parents and better lovers.

• Keith discusses the stages of relationships based on evolutionary drivers:

• • Lust-when you see someone and “want” them sexually
  • Romantic Infatuation-a temporary stage that lasts 6-18 months
  • Intimate Bonding-a more permanent pattern - and this is where most people either get stuck or break down. The goal of course is to move beyond this stage and thrive in deeper intimacy and connection with each other.
• Treat your relationship as if it needs the same kind of attention that your kids (if you have them) also need. Obviously it’s great to devote time to being a good parent to your children, and Keith’s book offers great techniques for how to do just that. The problem with modern parenting is that we often become dedicated to parenting to the negligence of our relationship.
• One of the foundations of integral psychology is the States of Consciousness, which include the emotions and impulses that we go through during each day. There are two categories: prosocial states, which we perceive as safe, using social skills and mature intelligence, and defensive states, which we perceive as unsafe. Characteristics of defensive states are amplified/numbed emotions, destructive impulses, distorted perspectives, diminished capacities for empathy and self-reflection. Basically, the brain is preparing us for “Fight or Flight.” Most people aren’t even aware of their defensive states, but these will accelerate conflict in relationships and will be toxic to couples.
• Defensive states will cause couples to withdraw, shut down, and avoid each other. Catching the defensive state and regulating it to a state of social engagement is one of the most profound skills we can master as humans. By doing this, we cultivate the ability to attune to ourselves and to our partner.
• So what is Attunement, and what does it mean in relationships? Keith gives the following steps to Attunement that must be carried out - with acceptance and caring intent:
• • Be aware of the breath going in and out of your body.
  • Be aware of the sensations in your body.
  • Be aware of your emotions.
  • Be aware of your thoughts.
  • Be aware of judgments about yourself and others.
  • Be aware of what you really want.
• To attune yourself to others, imagine the other person—what they are feeling, sensing, thinking, judging, and wanting. Many, if not most, of the issues couples have are perpetual issues that are never resolved. You definitely won’t solve them if you spend your time arguing about content. The proper process is to get attuned first, and then the content often takes care of itself.
• How do you shift strong “negative” emotions into being accepting and caring? There are two general approaches to the experience of emotion in yourself and others, which are to be either dismissing or coaching. In the dismissing attitude, those emotions are a burden, and you would ignore them, deny their validity, or strive to change them. In coaching, you develop an attitude of welcoming emotion and looking at them as an impetus to grow, make changes if necessary, and allow the emotion to shift on its own (as it naturally will). Can you become emotionally coaching as a partner and a parent. Studies show that children with parents with coaching attitudes towards emotion will be better-adjusted and happier in life. Be aware of the strong emotion and let it lead you to deeper intimacy.
• What if you are attuned but your partner is not? What can you do? A great place to start is to focus on eye contact. It’s harder to hurt someone while maintaining eye contact. You can also ask a therapist or coach to help if you both can’t find your way back to love and intimacy.
• You’ve probably heard that humans are programmed to NOT be monogamous. How does that play into relationships today? In Keith’s view, a relationship of deepening trust requires monogamy. The way to experience deeper and deeper intimacy is to create a more and more safe container for your relationship with your partner. This intimacy goes beyond biology and represents an evolution in terms of our psychological and spiritual capacity.
• In Keith’s book, Integral Mindfulness, he gives an overview of a full life of development and engagement. The idea of Integral Mindfulness  is that any given moment gives understanding of yourself and environment as we are attuned with each other. What are our states and development levels? In relationships, we have to adjust many, many times before we achieve a background hum of being safe and connected with my partner. Keith uses the illustration of taking a dance class, being clumsy in the beginning, but learning to master the steps after much practice. This principle applies to physical, emotional, social, relational, sexual, and psychological development. All forms of relationship are like dancing. When it goes bad, we often blame our partner, but taking responsibility for our part and practicing the skills over time will change the outcome.
• How is the idea of attunement related to the definition of intimacy? The more attuned that you can be, the more that you can play with the masculine and feminine polarity in order to create sparks. As soon as you are attuned to your partner, you create an opening to sense the pleasure that being attuned creates. And tuning into that pleasure leads to the deeper sparks of polarity, play, and a sensual connection. As we discussed in our episode with John Gottman, it’s so important for each partner to also be able to say “no” - and for the partner who hears “no” to welcome that and not take it personally, to actually make it TOTALLY FINE to say “no”. Couples who are fully in their “no” get to “yes” more often, because they have created a truly safe container in their relationship.
• What about trauma? 10% of men and 20% of women have sexual trauma, and we all have issues to deal with as we proceed through adult development. Trauma can severely impact our capacity to bond sexually with our partner. However, it’s important for you to also take responsibility for healing from your trauma. Never say, “I can’t love you or deal with you in this way because of my trauma, so get used to it.” We have to want the best for each other, including in our sexuality, regardless of past trauma.
• What about attuning to each other in conflict and recognizing polarity? One way to navigate conflict is to respond from an opposite pole to your partner. If your partner is masculine, respond in a feminine way, or vice versa. When a partner is doing WELL, take a moment to recognize and appreciate that! See if you can find pleasure in those moments, as they are truly the “golden moments.”
• How do you repair and rebuild trust after it has been broken? Keith says that 70% of cheating incidents recover and work to rebuild, but a small portion of cheating incidents are “exit” affairs out of the relationship. The cheating spouse needs to find the determining factor, which is usually opportunity. What was the difference? What was missing with your partner? Anyone who has a secret affair has to make their family, children, and friends disappear and give in to intensely egotistical narcissism during the moments of the affair. So you need to repair from that state, come back into alignment with your partner, and work on your vision for the relationship that you WANT to create together. And heal the part within yourself that led to the affair and allowed
• How do you clean up the mess of a secret affair? First, become honest and stop the affair! Ask the questions that need to be asked, and reestablish the lover relationship with your spouse. For the innocent partner, they have to deal with the profound unfairness of it all, which sometimes turns into trauma work. Anchor yourself in “What do I want?” You have to find a way through the trauma and identify your partner as a trustable person when they have betrayed your trust. For the person who had an affair: commit to your development as a person. Discover your vulnerabilities. Remember that “never doing that again” is only the start of recovery. For both partners: Get back to growing a sense of intimacy with each other. Remember, “Love always involves suffering. Hurt will happen.” However, what’s amazing is the capacity for you to get beyond the hurt to even deeper levels of integrity, commitment, and intimacy - if you’re willing to do the work.

Resources:

www.drkeithwitt.com  (Keith’s online course Loving Completely is available, and his free digital copy of The Attuned Family.)

The Attuned Family: How to Be a Great Parent to  on Amazon

Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in - How Mindfulness Makes Everything Better on Amazon

www.neilsattin.com/witt is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a copy of “The Dance of Anger”!

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

When was the last time you got really angry? And...how did that go for you? Was it a positive experience, or...not? And...do you and your partner know how to use your anger to foster growth in your connection?

The reason I’m asking is that today’s guest is Harriet Lerner, Clinical Psychologist and author of the classic book The Dance of Anger which has sold over 3 MILLION copies worldwide. Harriet is one of the world’s most trusted experts on the topic of relationships, and her work has inspired countless others on the topics of Anger, Intimacy, Trust, Fear, Courage - you name it. Today we’re going to dive deep to talk about how to make your anger a force for good in your relationship. On top of that you’ll also get some words of wisdom that aren’t just about anger, but that are also about how to identify and change the patterns that are holding you back in your relationship.

If you need help with understanding and processing anger, then join my enlightening conversation with Harriet as she addresses the following:

• Anger—what is it? Can it be useful? Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. After all, it’s part of what makes us human and helps us define “self.” Anger is a vehicle for personal, social, and political change. “The pain of our anger preserves the dignity and integrity of the self.” In other words, when you’re feeling angry, that probably means that there is some place where you are ignoring your needs and betraying yourself.
• Many people use anger in relationships for purposes that aren’t useful. Many people get angry with ease, but they don’t accomplish anything useful with their anger! If anger is a way to blow off steam, but doesn’t actually generate positive change, then it’s not serving its purpose.
• Or some people avoid anger altogether. Another way that we mismanage anger is by AVOIDING conflict. This leads us to avoid any CLEAR statement of self that will “rock the boat” in a relationship. So it temporarily buys you peace, but at the cost of being fully yourself in relationship. And if you can’t be fully yourself, then you can’t fully meet your partner.
• What is the connection between gender and ways of handling anger? Our culture is more comfortable with women who are guilty, apologetic, and self-doubting than with women who are angry and want to challenge the status quo. Too often, anger is associated with feminism (“those angry feminists”) and is taboo for women.  That all being said, managing anger wisely is a universal challenge for ALL of us, regardless of gender.
• The BIG Question =  How do we transition from nonproductive to productive anger? Anger is a difficult emotion because we are wired for FIGHT or FLIGHT when we encounter most any problems. In order to turn anger into something useful, we need to become good observers of what is going on. The first step is noticing that you’re getting angry. Once you can become a witness to your anger, you are empowered to change YOUR part in the patterns that lead to anger being toxic versus being a vehicle for growth.
• What might you notice in yourself as a precursor to anger? Often, when you’re in full-on anger, it’s not the right time to try to resolve a situation. Can you identify the micro-changes within you that lead up to fight-or-flight? Does your heart-rate change? Does your face feel flushed? Where is your attention focused? Do you start to get defensive? In these moments, when you recognize that something is going on, do your best to see it as a sign that something within you needs to be recognized. Take space if necessary, to get clarity. Don’t focus on being “right” or “winning” - focus on getting yourself back to a place of connection within - and love/compassion for your partner.
• Learn to deal with countermoves and resistance to change in yourself and your partner. “Countermoves” are ways that a partner tries to hook you back into the old patterns when you are trying to change. If you have patterns in the way that you interact with your partner, you can prepare ahead of time for what they will probably do to try and continue the pattern. When that happens, can you continue to not take things personally? Can you stand firm in not being pulled into an old pattern? Can you do that in a way that is kind and compassionate?
• One challenge in relationships regarding anger is DEFINING A BOTTOM LINE. A “bottom line” is the place where your beliefs, priorities, and values are not negotiable. Can you define a bottom line in a way that doesn’t create an ultimatum, but instead offers your partner a pathway for change?
• What if you don’t know what your bottom line is? It takes courage to acknowledge that you aren’t clear about how to proceed, and to not know what your position actually is.  Sometimes it’s ok NOT to do anything!
• What are the roots of change in your relationship? Change comes in small steps, so don’t expect immediate and dramatic results (although they do sometimes happen!). Change is made of courageous acts instead of blaming others and staying victimized. What is more important in your relationship - being locked into a pattern of pursuing, distancing, anger, and blame---or having the courage to break free from those? These changes are not easy, and it takes courage to shift your actions and not know how your partner will respond. Can you take a position that doesn’t involve blaming others - but that still allows you to take a stand for what you need and desire in your relationship?
• After you get clear on what you need - Start looking for positive, constructive ways to address your needs within yourself, and within your relationship. Even if a situation is 97% the other person - that still leaves 3% for you to work on and change. And once you change, the whole dynamic changes.
• One of the strategies Harriet shares in her book is to go back to your family origins. We all have a legacy that is handed to us from the formative people in our lives about handling anger and conflict. Often, the way our family members handled conflict is transferred to us. For this reason, it’s helpful to know the history of the “hot” issues in our family and take steps to become a “pioneer” in dealing with those issues in a different way. Can you become a detective and explore what has come before you in the way other family members have handled situations - particularly contentious situations?
• Here’s how to change patterns in a healthy way: The best way to get your partner’s attention is to try out a NEW you. Do something different. Pick out something small and try it out when the countermoves roll in.

Links and Resources:

www.harrietlerner.com

The Dance of Anger on Amazon

www.neilsattin.com/anger  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a copy of “The Dance of Anger”!

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Today I’d like to have a conversation about a topic that’s a little dicey for some of us. Do you or your partner use pornography? What place, if any, does it have in your relationship? Is it helpful? Is it creating conflict? Is it possible that it’s having an influence on your relationship and you don’t even know about it? Today my guest is Gary Wilson, from YourBrainonPorn.com, and author of the book “Your Brain on Porn”. 

 Rather than talking about whether or not porn is good, bad, or healthy - we’re going to talk about the effects of porn use on your brain - what can happen when you or your partner uses porn - and what can shift when you remove porn from your life. We’re also going to cover how to know if porn is having a secret impact on your relationship, how to have compassion for those who are affected by it, and how to get it out of your life.

 As for me, I’m curious - not so much about the rightness or wrongness of it - but about what porn does to you and your biochemistry. Is it helping you? Or not? And once you learn about what it does, you might be inclined to find a way to remove it once and for all.  

We all know that porn has become pervasive and woven its way into our culture, primarily by way of the internet.  The use of porn tends to have negative effects on individuals - and, by extension, their relationships, and Gary is here to discuss exactly what is happening with your body’s chemistry as opposed to approaching the subject from a religious or moral perspective.

Highlights of my conversation with Gary Wilson:

• Gary never set out to become an expert in this field.  Several years ago, men started posting on his wife’s website forum (which was about relationships) about their porn addictions and the problems that were occurring as a result.  Many of the men experienced sexual dysfunction, but they noticed that when they gave up the porn that they had better sexual function, better relationships, and better emotional health.
• Gary was resistant and did not want to address the subject because of the ramifications and the stigma attached to it, but he felt compelled to write articles and get the word out.  He then realized the magnitude of the problem of pornography because of the widespread interest in his articles and the website he created in 2010.  Even though almost all of the recovery stories are from men, many women are affected by porn either directly or indirectly, through problems with their partners’ addictions.
• Gary’s work addresses porn from the perspective of the biochemical effect in the brain.  The reward circuit of the brain runs on dopamine and is most highly activated by the things that ensure the survival of you and your genes.  Food, sex, achievement, taking risks, and novelty are just a few of the things that make dopamine levels rise and say, “Do that again!”
• So what is it about internet porn that makes it so addictive? Internet porn is “the perfect storm” that raises dopamine and hits us in our primitive reward center. It combines novelty and sex in a way that is almost irresistible to your brain. The curiosity, shock, surprise, and searching qualities of internet porn all work to raise dopamine levels in the brain - tapping into an innate circuitry that was already there to be exploited.
• Internet porn is a “supernormal stimulus” that appeals to us far more than normal stimuli. Think of junk foods vs. the whole foods that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle consumes. The added salt and sugar in junk food stimulates the reward center and tells us to over-consume.  In the same way, the unnatural sexual stimuli provided by internet porn make its users easily addicted and captivated by it.
• Porn addiction results in the same kinds of changes in the brain that occur in drug addiction.  There are several reputable studies that prove this.  The changes are all due to high levels of dopamine over long periods of time and include less gray matter in the reward center, less sexual arousal, and changes in the frontal cortex.
• • THAT’S RIGHT - YOUR BRAIN ACTUALLY SHRINKS FROM PORN USE.
  • Porn users can also notice depression, increased anxiety (especially in social situations), and fuzzy, muddled thinking.
• What can you do if internet porn is in your relationship?  Can you help your partner? First, remember that porn has almost nothing to do with you, the partner. The user sees internet porn use as normal and part of everyday life.  A real person can never match the novelty of internet porn, but a real partner can provide love, caring, and touch that a screen cannot. If the partner unplugs, then over time, they will become more sensitive to real interaction and relationship. 
• Create a culture of openness in your relationship. If you can not take the problem of a partner’s porn use personally, it can be freeing for the addicted partner to talk openly about the problem. Gary Wilson has videos available on his website to clearly explain those biochemical changes that take place in the brain due to pornography and depersonalize the issue.
• Internet porn addiction may be present in your relationship and you may not be aware of it. What are signs you might notice if this is going on? You may notice that your partner is distracted, not available for sex, or asking you to do things in bed that depart radically from what you normally do. You might have trouble connecting to your partner, or feeling their presence in the bedroom. Many users will “hit the wall” and experience extreme sexual dysfunction.  
• What is the cycle that someone who uses porn is going through? They become so accustomed to the sexual stimuli that they need more shock and surprise to even become aroused. Everything you do trains your brain, so internet porn trains you to be rewired sexually to be fulfilled only through the internet porn and not the real-life partner. 
• What will happen when porn use ends? The good news is that users who eliminate internet porn find real-life sex and their partner more appealing. However, they might have to give up the internet porn to find out exactly what problems were caused by its use! Positive psychological, neurological, and physical changes occur over time when internet porn is removed. Generally you will find yourself more tuned into what’s actually happening around you in real life, and connected to your partner.
• Internet porn use can change how you view sexuality and what excites you.  Users become desensitized, which means that they need more and more stimulation to get the same “buzz.”  If you spend years watching straight porn, then you might have to resort to other, more shocking and kinkier versions of porn to be stimulated and turned on. However, it’s important to realize that the type of porn doesn’t always match with the person’s sexuality but has to do with the neuroplastic changes that are occurring in the brain.
• Try a reboot.  Stop using internet porn for at least 3 weeks - ideally for 90 days. See what changes! If you have severe dysfunction caused by porn use, you might have to go for longer to see major shifts.
• What strategies can be used to shift your focus and recover from internet porn addiction?  First of all, you have to be motivated to quit. You must replace the porn with other activities like exercise, socializing, meditation, hobbies, reading---things that take you away from the computer.
• COLD SHOWERS - It’s been proven that taking cold showers can help with shifting away from the porn habit. At the end of a “normal” (hot) shower, you can turn the water on FULL cold - breathe rapidly, and rub your body in the places where the cold water is making contact. Shift so that the water contacts all parts of your body. Can you go for 10 seconds? 30 seconds? 2 minutes? Fringe benefit is that you’ll feel invigorated and the air outside the shower will seem toasty warm. :)
• Get support - Coaching is great - as is support from peers who are also stopping porn - or who can hold you accountable if that’s necessary.
• Create a vision for your life - Does it include the use of pornography?
• What can our society do to transform our consciousness about internet porn? This problem may get a lot worse before it gets better.  Erectile dysfunction rates are on the rise:  27-33% of men under 40 report ED.  There will be more exposure and more availability to our young children. Sex Education is NOT the answer unless it includes education about the brain changes in the delicate reward center in the brain and supernormal stimuli.  When the adolescent brain meets supernormal stimuli, this changes sexuality even before teenagers begin to date each other.  It’s a recipe for disaster!

If porn has been affecting you in your relationship, I am so curious to hear from you - especially if you try the reboot. What changes do you notice?

Links and Resources:

www.yourbrainonporn.com

Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson on Amazon

www.neilsattin.com/garyw  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Your Brain on Porn”!

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Does it seem that love comes and then goes away? Do you have the experience of being deeply in love with your partner one moment, and then the next moment feeling separate, or distant, or even carried away in a cloud of emotion? Well, we’re about to change all of that.

Today we have part two of our conversation with Diana Richardson. In particular, we are going to focus on how to always “get back to love” in your relationship - a topic in all of her books - and the focus of her book “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”. If you heard part one (which was episode number two of Relationship Alive, and focused on her approach to tantra), then you know that she is one of the leading sex educators in the world. For more than 20 years she has been teaching about slow sex - a kind of cool sex that will completely transform how you experience yourself, and your partner, as a sexual and sensual being. She has written more than 6 books on Tantra, is the producer of the award-winning movie “Slow Sex”, and people travel from all around the world to take the Making Love seminars that she teaches with her partner Michael in Switzerland. You can check out her website, livinglove.com.

Be prepared to learn a new way to experience your emotions, and a practical guide to always get back to love with your partner (and within yourself).

Diana reveals that this material, her work, was born out of her own journey and experiences.  She never expected or intended to write books and teach people, but obtained a completely new picture of sex through her lifetime with new insights and understandings.  The principles she shares developed organically, through awareness and observation. Her desire is to help others discover how their bodies are designed to connect in certain ways and clear up much of the misunderstanding surrounding sex in our world today.  “If one trusts the body and goes in with an inquiring, adventurous spirit, then all the answers will come to you.”

My conversation with Diana focuses on the following aspects of sex and relationships:

• Flashing back to Part 1 of our conversation, Diana reiterates that when sexual energy is focused solely on the achievement or orgasm, then we miss the deeper levels of connection and awareness.  Focusing on orgasm is pleasurable, but superficial.  “There is a lot that can be engaged in and enjoyed while orgasm is hours down the road.”  
• “Cool sex” or “slow sex” is a different way of having sex in which you are present and aware of your energy and your partner’s energy.  This kind of sex can be a vehicle for healing whereas the sensational style of sex leaves us with tension and brings isolation and separation from our partner
• Diana explains the difference between feelings and emotions.  Feeling relates to what is happening NOW while emotion relates to something that happened in THE PAST.  Feelings stay in the system and become emotions. Therefore, emotions are basically unexpressed feelings.  
• Why do we need to know the difference between feelings and emotions?  Fights between couples are often the result of something not happening in the present but the past.  Unexpressed feelings go sour in the system, lead to immediate disconnection, and become toxic—pure poison.  This toxicity often makes us want to seek revenge, and we spread the toxins around in our environment rather than deal with the underlying emotions.
• How can we deal with emotions as they occur?  Identify when you are emotional and then sort the emotions out separately.  Learn to allow the feelings when they are present; don’t push them down and repress them.  Emotions are an aspect of the past being triggered in the present by a word, a deed, or a resonance in your partner’s voice.
• Being emotional is not wrong, but not knowing when we’re emotional is wrong.  We often access old tension in a state of fear when what we long for most is really love.  We blame each other and are not able to look each other in the eyes.  We say, “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” or “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” All of these reactions spring from some kind of fear and allow the past to impact and destroy the present.
• What are steps you can take to handle emotion properly?
  • Notice your emotions.
  • Admit your emotions.  “I am being emotional.”
  • Depart from your partner’s company, politely, and do something physical with your body to expend the emotional energy.
  • The danger in not separating for a short time is that the other partner will be tempted to become emotional, too.
• Diana shares two “Golden Rules” from her book:
  • Never tell your partner that they are emotional.
  • Never put your anger on your partner.  Let it flow through, but don’t repress it or it will become a toxic emotion.
• What can I do if my partner becomes emotional?  Don’t join in.  Understand that their emotion is coming from a past feeling.  Abandonment is one of the oldest and most common wounds from childhood.  It is easily triggered, so be aware that many emotions have their roots in some type of fear of abandonment.  Don’t engage with your partner’s emotion, but be present and supportive.  Make an attempt to come across with love as a way to shed light on the darkness they are feeling.  In fear, we contract, doubt, and feel lonely.  In love, we expand, trust, and feel connected.  Be generous with love and seek to cultivate it in your relationship.  AWARENESS is the key and has transforming power.  It’s not WHAT we do, but HOW we do it.
• What can you do to cultivate the quality of love?  Simply move through life with more awareness.  Look for ways to soften tension and breathe.  Appreciate yourself and the beauty of life, and practice self-love.  Look for optimism and grace in the way you breathe, walk, and talk
• How do I start having sex with this new awareness?  Be more aware and don’t build up the sensations.  Prolong the whole thing and become more present.  Sex can become much more fulfilling and a more loving, conscious act.  More harmony and love are created in the relationship when this new awareness and consciousness are practiced.

Links and Resources:

www.livinglove.com  (Diana’s website with links to her books, seminars, and retreats.)

The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson

Tantric Love Letters by Diana Richardson

Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion: Golden Rules to Make Love Easy by Diana Richardson and Michael Richardson

www.neilsattin.com/tantra2  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”!

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

My philosophy is that relationships not only CAN be a vehicle for your own healing, but that it’s actually REQUIRED to do your work to heal from whatever is keeping you from fully showing up - in your life, in your relationship, AND in the bedroom. And just like we touched on in our conversation with Diana Richardson way back in episode two - there is tremendous potential for you, when you’re in relationship, to help your partner on that journey of healing - especially sexual healing.

Today’s guest is Wendy Maltz, author of The Sexual Healing Journey. Her book is about how to recover from sexual trauma and deepen your capacity for intimacy and sexual pleasure. In this episode, we’re talking about how you can take on that legacy of pain and potential disconnect - and use it to build a more solid, loving, sensual, and, yes, sexual connection with your partner. 

There are all kinds of things that could have an impact on your sexual development, cause some degree of trauma, and be an obstacle to true intimacy with your partner. So even if you haven’t been specifically affected by some form of assault or abuse, this conversation is for you to find opportunities for your own sexual growth and healing.

If you HAVE been affected by some form of sexual trauma - this conversation could potentially be a trigger for you. My goal through having Wendy on the program is to help you and your partner get through the triggers together, to a place where you can have deep intimacy, connection, and the kind of fulfilling sex life that is your birthright.

Wendy Maltz is an internationally-recognized author, psychotherapist, and a certified sex therapist with over 35 years’ experience.  Along with The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, which is the topic of our discussion today, she also has written The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, which also factors into our discussion.  Wendy is the co-producer of Relearning Touch, a highly-acclaimed video guide for couples who are healing intimate problems caused by sexual abuse - and which is now available for FREE on her website.  Along with her husband, Larry, Wendy runs Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, OR.

Here are some of the highlights from the conversation that Wendy and I share about how to develop healthy, deep intimacy with your partner as part of the sexual healing journey that you can be on together:

• Assault, rape, abuse, and incest affect both men and women directly and indirectly.  Statistics show that 1 in 3 females and 1 in 5-7 males are sexually abused in their lifetime.  When you include the partners of those people, you start to see that this is an issue that affects many, if not most, of us in some way. Are you yourself a survivor? If not, how many people have you been with, or known, who have been?
• What is sexual abuse?  Wendy defines it broadly as any action that dominates or exploits an innocent victim by sexual activity or suggestion.  
• When you also look back at your own sexual development, you can often find places where you experienced trauma of some form. Someone laughed at you at the wrong moment, or you experienced shame, or embarrassment, or...any number of things could be the source of sexual “trauma.” Can you identify places in your own history that might need some attention?
• What are some common relationship problems that can be traced back to sexual abuse?  Wendy says that reactions to abuse can include: fear of sex/withdrawal, viewing sex as an obligation, guilt or shame in touching, sexual function problems, low sex drive, painful intercourse, intrusive sexual fantasies, and dissociation during sex. It can also include hyper-sexualization - becoming overly interested in sexual activity.
• Realize that there is a distinction between sex and intimacy. As you expand into a broader experience of intimacy and connection with your partner, it can help put sex in a context that eases some of the pressure. This also helps to create a container of safety, which will lead to more sex, and more fulfilling sex. What feeds a relationship over time is the sensual sharing that takes place during true intimacy.
• What if your partner is a survivor of past abuse?  What can you do to help?  It helps if you, as the partner of a survivor, could be educated about abuse and its repercussions. It’s normal for you to feel in the dark, or isolated. If your sex life is suffering, traditional approaches for “spicing things up” can actually trigger your partner (perhaps you’ve experienced that?). Don’t look at your problem as one of needing to spark more desire - see it as a path towards building a container that’s safe enough for you to explore together.
• This isn’t to say that, if you’re the partner of someone who has suffered sexual trauma, that you should deny your own desires. Learning how to communicate about your desire in a way that owns it and does not make it your partner’s “problem” can lead to productive conversations about how to meet each other sexually. This might also be an opportunity for you to look back on your sexual development and think about whether what you “desire” is what you actually want! Are you looking for an enormous hit of dopamine, or are you looking for ways to build intimacy with your partner? And if it’s dopamine - while it may feel good, in the moment - is it actually serving you in terms of what you want out of your life and your partnership?
• Partners should be aware, be conscious, take a team approach together, create safety in sex, communicate, be present, and explore new approaches to touch and intimacy. If something isn’t working - don’t do it! Instead, shift to a mindset of working together to get through it.
• What if the survivor reacts negatively to sexual intimacy via triggers of past abuse?  The most important thing is for the partner not to take it personally, but focus on doing the OPPOSITE of what a perpetrator might do.  Ask how the other person feels, check in with their feelings, and have compassion and understanding.
• Is there hope?  Will you ever be able to experience sexuality and intimacy freely together? Absolutely. You can stop behavior that triggers negative feelings, work as a team, change behaviors, process feelings together, and make sex safe and fun.  Above all, realize that love is stronger than sexual abuse.
• What can a survivor do when they are being triggered to remember the abuse of the past?  The first step is to simply notice that it’s happening, stop what you’re doing, be aware of the reaction, and identify what behavior caused the reaction. 
• Use this as an opportunity to relax. Breathe, be calm, take a break. Talk about it with your partner if possible, and don’t condemn yourself for being triggered. Putting pressure on yourself to do it “right” is counterproductive!
• Get in touch with the present. How old are you now? What are you experiencing in THIS moment, with your partner (or yourself). Do what you need to do to pull yourself back into the present moment.
• After getting back into the present, you can re-approach intimacy. Try a different approach than what caused the trigger moment. How can you anchor each other in the present, in your experience with each other?
• Definitely check out Wendy Maltz’s Relearning Touch video which is now available for FREE on her website. The video teaches touch exercises that develop skills to relax, communicate, and be present in the moment.  The exercises can be done with or without clothes, and can be used as ideas from which to create your own healing with positive displays of fun and playfulness. These exercises are also detailed in her book The Sexual Healing Journey.  
• The exercises create a continuum of touch to move slowly toward more sexual activities as they are sequential in intensity, and will lead to completely different associations with sex and sensual contact. 
• One idea that can be helpful is to agree with your partner to an initial “vacation” - meaning a period of time when you agree that you will NOT be having sex. Having a vacation actually allows you to explore other ways of being intimate and connected with each other (it’s not a connection vacation!) - without having any pressure around having sex. Once the pressure is off, you can discover more subtleties about how to develop your intimate connection with each other.
• Another helpful technique is to each find a “home base” on your partner’s body, a place that you can touch that can help you feel safe and comforted when triggers bring up past abuse, or when your partner is triggered and you want to communicate your safe presence to them. Visiting the home base on your partner’s body is a way to let them know that you’re going through something and that you need reassurance, safety, and connection from them - allowing you to be in an uncomfortable place without breaking your connection completely during those moments. 

On pornography:

• Pornography that is readily available to children (via the internet) interferes with their normal sexual development.  Children should be allowed to “unfold” their sexuality in a way that corresponds to their maturity level, and many are denied that opportunity because of graphic pornography.
• Many adults and children are having their view of sexuality potentially formed by their interactions with pornography, versus developing from being present in real-life interactions with partners over time.
• What is considered a “healthy” exploration of sexuality as children mature?  Boys and girls are naturally curious but should be ready and in control of their sexuality.  They should also be mature enough to know the consequences of their sexual choices.  
• What is the impact of pornography on relationships?  Many people consider it harmless entertainment, but the repercussions are great.  Porn shows people being used as objects, shows sex as a form of power, and often displays a total lack of intimacy.  Also, about 20% of internet porn involves child sexual abuse - or the simulation of underage sex. 
• Often, porn is the first exposure young people have with their sexuality, and therefore, they don’t learn the needed relationship skills of self-control, intimacy, and rich connection with a partner.  Porn is like fast food that dulls our appetite for better, creative, healthy food, and can potentially be an obstacle to the enjoyment of a rich, satisfying, nurturing, sexual relationship based on love. It can focus our sexual drive on chasing bigger and bigger hits of dopamine, instead of fostering deeper and deeper intimacy. Those are different mechanisms in the brain, and those choices also have different impacts on a relationship.

Wendy concludes by saying, “Those negatives about being sexually abused don’t have to be the last word on sex for us.  We CAN reclaim sexuality.”

Links and Resources:

www.healthysex.com  (Wendy’s website with links to resources)

The Sexual Healing Journey on Amazon

www.neilsattin.com/wendy  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “The Sexual Healing Journey”!

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For this episode, we’re going to focus on something extremely simple and practical -  the importance of questions. How well do you know your partner? If you say you know them well, are you sure that you’re not actually making assumptions about them? And how do you cultivate your curiosity in a way that keeps your relationship fresh, instead of stuck in the same old patterns? 

My guest today is Susan Piver, NY Times bestselling author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do.  This book came out of the personal experience of talking to her boyfriend (now her husband) about getting married.  She contemplated the commitment:  How do I make the commitment?  How can I honor the commitment?  She proceeded to the bookstore to find help but found NOTHING on the subject. The idea for her book was born.

Susan realized that most failed relationships didn’t fail for lack of love, but for lack of ability to build a life together that both partners loved. The questions that she poses in her book are based around helping a couple get to know each other (and themselves) in various areas of life. The questions themselves are not complicated - they’re quite simple, in fact! What makes them the “Hard” questions is that answering them will require you to get really clear about who you are, and who your partner is.

Susan discusses the following topics from her book:

• The 100 Essential Questions are pragmatic and limited to the important things that some people argue about in real life—the places of potential disconnect. She finds that it’s best to not worry so much about hypothetical questions like “what would you do if you were on Mars and only had a plunger and a rowboat?” - but to focus more on simple questions like “If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?” - deceptively simple, right?
• Susan’s questions are basic and without philosophy.  More examples include: Do we eat meals together?  If so, which ones?  What if one of us is attracted to someone else, either superficially or deeply?  The purpose of these questions is to help you reflect on your experience and your partner’s experience. They can prevent entering into a committed relationship based on those assumptions that we are tempted to make. Don’t make assumptions! Tackle the hard questions!
• As you address the questions, you do not have to have the same answers as your partner. You may disagree about some answers or not know how to answer in some cases. Your goal is to answer as honestly as possible. Or, if your partner is answering, can you listen as openly as possible? Can you put aside your own judgments? If your partner’s answer is leading you to experience certain emotions, can you notice them and set them aside, for the moment?
• Focus on really trying to GET your partner. First of all, do you even understand what they’re saying? Reflect back to them the answer that you’re hearing to see if they confirm that you are hearing them accurately. You could then see if you can come to understand WHY they are answering in that particular way.
• Some questions are considered “deal-breakers” and could cause the relationship to end.  Do you want to have children?  What religion, if any, do you practice?  Where would you like to live? Identify for yourself which questions represent deal-breakers, and which ones simply represent a place where you may have a conversation that evolves over time.
• Be careful of issuing ultimatums because there is nowhere left for that conversation to go.  Remember, even “unsolvable” problems can be worked out over time with understanding and development.  Susan shares great personal examples from her own experience and how she and her husband handled those issues.
• There is a contrast to “being in love” and “acting lovingly.”  From Susan’s perspective, you can’t commit to loving someone always because love is an emotion that is changeable.  You CAN commit fully, completely, and honestly to acting lovingly toward that person.  That means being open, caring, and willing to share with that person.  You can accomplish those acts of love even when you don’t feel “in love.” Acting “as if” will actually help you nurture feelings of loving and cherishing your partner even in those moments when you don’t feel “in love.”
• Susan speaks of the contrast between Projecting and Hearing, especially regarding answering the hard questions.  When projecting occurs, the result will probably be a fight.  The less you critique and try to change your partner, the better off you will be, and you will hear them better.  Be honest about your fears and uncertainties.  Own your discomfort about certain issues.
• A good practice when your partner’s answer triggers you is to get clarity by saying something like “I’m telling myself a story that you are saying such-and-such, and I’m making that mean such-and-such. Is that true?” What’s great about that language is that it helps you see that you are ALWAYS telling yourself a story about how you’re experiencing the world - stating it explicitly helps you take responsibility for your story. And asking this question allows your partner to help you discover what’s true about your story, and what isn’t.
• Susan is a Buddhist and meditation teacher.  She teaches mindfulness and awareness as part of the meditation process.  She finds those qualities essential in her relationship, allowing her to own what she feels and separate her projections from who her husband actually is.  You can take part in her Open Heart project in which she teaches meditation online.  Those who sign up receive a free weekly video meditation.  A benefit of these meditations is that they will give you the ability to weather discomfort without trying to run from it.
• The questions in Susan’s book cover many areas, including home, money, work, sex, health, food, and family. She wishes she had included questions about stepfamilies, alcohol/drug use, and other addictive behaviors. What questions would you add to the list? Please let us know if there are other essential questions (we can discuss them in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook)

Links and Resources:

www.susanpiver.com  (Susan’s website, including information on teaching, live events, and workshops.)

The Hard Questions on Amazon

www.susanpiver.com/newsletter-signup   (Sign up here for Susan’s newsletter, blog posts, and weekly video meditations.)

www.neilsattin.com/susan  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “The Hard Questions”!

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of these bluegrass rising stars:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Are you looking for ways to breathe new life into your relationship? In today’s episode, we’re exploring the power of integrity to heal problems and generate passion in your connection with your partner. What does it mean to be honest? What are you actually committed to in your relationship? How do you turn a major problem - for instance, infidelity - into a catalyst for growth and even deeper intimacy?

My guest today is Katie Hendricks, co-author of the book Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment. Having worked with thousands of couples with her partner, Gay Hendricks, Katie is experienced in helping you make the shift towards a relationship in which you and your partner are bringing out the best in each other. There are some tough topics in this episode - and our goal is to show you how to easefully and gracefully challenge your assumptions about what’s possible for your relationship.  Be sure to check out the episode!

Katie discusses the following topics:

Links and Resources:

www.foundationforconsciousliving.com  (Katie’s website with guidelines, tips, videos, and more!)

www.hendricks.com   (Katie’s website with integrity skills, tips, and videos.)

www.neilsattin.com/hendricks  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Conscious Loving”!

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Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

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Are you curious about ways to build intimacy that aren’t about sex or being sexual? Have you had hints of feeling a deep connection with your partner, and are you interested to know how you might be able to deepen that connection even further? My guest today is Patricia Albere of the Evolutionary Collective, an internationally-known organization devoted to mutual awakening between individuals, and the development of a shared consciousness that transcends our individual (separate) consciousnesses. With over 40 years of experience working with individuals on their growth and personal development, Patricia branched out to explore how individuals could connect more deeply with others. Today we discuss her work in the context of romantic partnership, although the exercises that you will be learning could be applied with anyone - not just your significant other.

• In today’s society, especially with so many of us focused on our personal growth, there’s a danger of our becoming TOO individuated - separated from each other like islands of highly developed people. However, once you get to that point, you have an opportunity to connect with others on a profoundly deep level, by “waking up the space between you” and creating shared consciousness.
• In relationships, we’ve had a goal of creating an unconditional, accepting love. However, Patricia calls upon us to love in a way that also demands - where we demand that our partner show up fully, where we call them forth to be their biggest and brightest selves.
• One of Patricia’s practices is to align yourself so that she space opens up between you and your partner.  It’s one of her Eight Principles and is called “mutual engagement” - being a total yes to the emerging experience that you’re having with someone in the moment.
• The basic practice consists of 30 minutes:
• For the first 10 minutes, one person is the questioner, who asks “What are you experiencing right now?” The other person responds with what they’re experiencing right then, in that moment - if possible tuning in not to stories about what’s happening, but naming the aspects of experience that are occurring right there in that moment. If they get stuck, the questioner asks again, simply “What are you experiencing right now?”
• After asking the question, the job of the questioner is to “place their consciousness inside their partner”. This is the kind of thing that will make more sense as you try it - like a nascent ability that you may not have even known that you have, but that will evolve and develop as you put it into practice. As the other person says what they’re experiencing right now, can you get into their experience?
• After 10 minutes of this, switch roles.
• After another 10 minutes, you enter a “popcorn” round where you each are tuning into what you’re experiencing - at any moment each of you can speak to “we are experiencing…”
• After that - take a moment to feel through where you’re at!
• This shared consciousness can happen with people who aren’t lovers and even with pets! You do need a willing partner to conduct the experiment.
• The practice can be a “big step beyond” the normal relationship and lead to a deepened, ever-expanding intimacy. You and your partner can take on greater responsibility and intimacy as difficulties and traumas arise in life—all because you share consciousness. If you have a strong foundation, for instance, you can try this technique when you are confronting a problem area in your relationship. If you have a problem, see if you can really get inside the experience that your partner is having. What light and understanding does the shared consciousness bring to the situation?
• Patricia speaks about “loving the truth.”  You have to be a “yes” to what IS. Once you are a “yes” to the truth of your experience, there is an enormous dynamic energy available to you in your life. However, the moment you become inauthentic in your relationship, that’s the moment that you’re no longer in relationship. At that point, you have made the decision to stay separate and not let the other person into your consciousness.  Hard to share consciousness when you have secrets that you’re hiding away - since you might not want to let someone in under those circumstances!

Links and Resources:

www.evolutionarycollective.com   (Patricia’s website)

www.mutual-awakening.com  (a free 77-page ebook available!)

Free Mutual Awakening Calls with Patricia Albere

Patricia has online courses, holds virtual retreats every three months, does 3-day intensive orientations for mutual awakening, and hosts a year-long program that starts every January.  Visit her website for details!

www.neilsattin.com/patricia is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win Patricia Albere’s Mutual Trust course - a $197 value!

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Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Odds are that the way that you’re having sex is actually causing problems in your relationship. In this episode, you will find out how having orgasms is a surefire way to lead you toward getting bored of your partner, creating problems, and breaking up - and how karezza (or non-orgasmic sex) can completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Experience the increased closeness, desire, and feelings of fulfillment in relationship that will help you sustain partnership over the long term.

My guest today is Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships.  Her book is about how sex and orgasms affect your biochemistry, how it can undermine your relationship, and she also describes a way of lovemaking that boosts your bonding biochemistry to help you increase your love and fulfillment in your relationship.

Marnia is a graduate of Brown and Yale and a former corporate attorney.  She blogs on Huffington Post and serves on the board of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Marnia is also the moderator of the website www.reuniting.info where you can find more information about karezza and evidence to support how switching to non-orgasmic lovemaking will actually lead to a happier, more intimate relationship.

Here are some of the details of our conversation:

• When you have an orgasm, your brain gets the biggest natural blast of neurochemicals possible without drugs.
• The “ripple effects” of how this blast changes your internal biochemistry can continue for up to two weeks and affect how we view our partner and the world around us.
• Some of the ripples you might experience are: mood swings, depression, anger, irritability, mental fogginess, boredom, and fatigue
• While western society has become very orgasm-focused, other cultures have had teachings (many of them ancient) that advocate abstaining from too much sexual climax because of weakened energy. Now science can actually back up this advice.
• It makes sense in terms of evolution and fostering diversity why you would want to grow tired of one partner and seek out another. However, since we humans are in the rare 3-5% of mammals that pair bond, we have two competing bio-mechanisms at work. If you stick with orgasm-centered sex, then you are going down the road of habituation to your partner. On the other hand, if you practice sex that is non-orgasmic, you activate the pair bonding circuitry more and more strongly over time.
• When you are focused on bonding activities, you actually become increasingly satisfied in your relationship - and take yourself off the path that would otherwise have potentially led to your dissatisfaction.
• Bear in mind that there is a difference for new lovers, who are in the “honeymoon neurochemistry” phase for the first two years of a relationship. During this phase you won’t be as susceptible to the same pattern of habituation - but by the time you reach two years you are in danger of rapidly shifting into an orgasm-driven downward spiral.
• Marnia encourages gentle lovemaking and intercourse without being goal-driven and orgasm-seeking.
• She also teaches attachment cues or “bonding behaviors” that should be part of each couple’s daily relationship.  If you download this show guide you will ALSO get a link to her FREE GUIDE on bonding behaviors that will foster oxytocin production in you and your partner.
• This kind of sex brings more attention to each partner’s needs, a stronger connection, more tenderness, lingering contentment, better communication, reduced anxiety, more energy, more understanding, and more balance in life.
• This kind of sex is also sustainable over the long term. If you’re in a more dopamine (and orgasmic) centered cycle, you will potentially have to always be focused on new ways to create more dopamine. Why go down that rabbit hole when your body already has a mechanism perfectly designed to keep you sexually satisfied and in harmony with your partner over the long term?

Are you intrigued?  I promise that you will learn things you have probably never heard before from Marnia’s practical explanation of these techniques.  Give them a try, and please let us know your results!

Links and Resources:

www.reuniting.info   - Marnia’s website

Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow on Amazon

Text PASSION to 33444 to download the pdf version of this episode guide AND Marnia’s Free Guide to Bonding Behaviors. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of "Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” by Marnia Robinson.

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

www.neilsattin.com/cupid   (Marnia’s episode page on my website)

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

My guest today is Terry Real, and we’re going to cover some advanced strategies for thriving in your relationship. Whether it’s how to recover from a grievous wrong, how to keep your relationship healthy, or how an unconventional way to take a relationship from good to great - there’s lots to discover in this conversation!

Terry is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and he has appeared on Good Morning America, Oprah, ABC News, and 20/20. In private practice for over 25 years , his most recent book is The New Rules of Marriage: What you Need to Know to Make Love Work.  He is here to discuss his newest book and tell us practical ways to make our marriages and relationships exceptional.

Terry sets the stage by sharing how relationships today are different than they have been historically.  People today have much higher expectations of what their relationship will be in their lives. The problem is that most people haven’t mastered the sophisticated set of skills needed to maintain the kind of relationship that they want. The purpose of his book (and this episode) is to give you the skills that you need.

Terry discusses the following details about relationships:

• The phases of Harmony, Disillusionment, and Acceptance/Repair. What stage are you in now? The cycles are ever-repeating - which should give you hope if you happen to be in a state of disillusionment at the moment. If that’s the case, what would it take to move your relationship towards Repair?

• Cherishing. While it sounds simple (and is simple in many ways), Terry actually devoted an entire chapter to it in his book. Are you focused on appreciating your partner’s good qualities? How do you let them know?

• Terry discusses the losing relationship strategies of harshness and self-righteous indignation. “Harshness has no redeeming value of any kind.  There is nothing that harshness accomplishes that loving firmness doesn’t accomplish better.”

• He refers to his “Winning Strategies,” including shifting from a negative past-focus to a positive future-focus.  He also explains his “Golden Rule.”

• Terry has a 3-step action plan for a spouse to follow if their partner isn’t ready or willing to change the relationship. Dare to rock the boat. “Listen - this is really important to me!” Once you have their attention, help them WIN. Tell your partner what you need in order to make the situation better. Then, make it worth their while! Give positive feedback. Celebrate steps in the right direction, even if it’s not fully what you want it to be.

• Put an end to the Cinderella Syndrome! It’s ok to ask for what you want.  

• We each have a Core Negative Image of our partner - it is how we imagine them to be when they are at their WORST. It is an exaggeration, not even an accurate description of them at their worst - but there are bits of reality in them. Anything that you do that reinforces your partner’s Core Negative Image of you has the potential to create problems in your relationship. Anything you can do that’s the OPPOSITE of that will create enormous growth in your relationship.

• Because we get together with our “unfinished business” - our relationships have enormous Healing Potential. The gift of our relationships is what we do, how we heal, when we encounter these problems that are echoes of the past and resolve them.

• If you have a strong relationship, you can use the Dead Stop. In a dead stop, if you see your partner starting to act like your Core Negative Image of them, you let them know (using a keyword, such as “pineapple” is helpful) - and they stop everything, and without being defensive, apologize! Acknowledge what they’re seeing. And use it as an opportunity to release your need to be right, and instead to build connection with your partner.

• Terry gives advice about recovering from a grievous wrong in a relationship, such as infidelity or other marriage disasters. First, the person who committed the wrong needs to be accountable for their actions. Next, address the hurt partner. Recognize that they are fundamentally disoriented - help them make sense of what happened. Dealing with their trauma. Then, re-establish trust. The past needs needs to be seen as the past. A demarcation ritual acknowledging the new, transformed relationship can be amazing. The crisis has the ability to transform us if we rise to the occasion. It can also be helpful to get outside help in these situations.

• FYI - Terry teaches live workshops all over the United States for couples and singles. An amazing experience to take your relationship to the next level.

• Use the relationship grid in order to diagnose where you are in terms of your boundaries and self-esteem - where do you need to improve?

• “True intimacy is not the absence of tension, but the management of tension and using tension to grow.”

Links and Resources:

The New Rules of Marriage on Amazon

Please visit Terry’s website, www.terryreal.com  for all kinds of free information about his work AND a free intimacy test to see where you are and where you need to grow.

The Relationship Alive Community on Facebook 

This guide and episode are also available at www.neilsattin.com/terry

Text "PASSION" to 33444 to download a pdf of the show guide (and be entered for a free giveaway of a signed copy of Calling in the One within the first week of this show's airing)

AMAZING intro and outtro music graciously provided courtesy of The Railsplitters - Check them out HERE