Sex fights often are not about sex. They are about safety. If you have anxious attachment and your wife leans avoidant, your needs and her needs clash. You reach for closeness to feel calm. She steps back to feel safe. This episode explains why that happens and what to do instead. You will learn how to bring calm, invite freedom, and rebuild desire without pressure.

What You’ll Learn

-Why anxious husbands use sex to feel close

-Why avoidant wives shut down when they feel pressure

-How “no” can feel like rejection to you and like self-betrayal to her

-How to give affection without a hidden plan

-How to regulate your emotions before you initiate

-How safety leads to desire

Chapters / Timestamps

0:00 Intro — You are fighting about safety, not sex
3:12 #1 You use sex for connection, she feels pressure
8:05 #2 “No” feels like rejection to you, “yes” feels like self-betrayal to her
12:58 #3 You need sex to feel close; she needs closeness to want sex
18:02 #4 You feel undesired; she feels emotionally responsible
22:47 #5 Sex becomes your reassurance and her burden
27:31 #6 She avoids touch because it “means something” to you
32:10 #7 Initiating from fear vs. grounded desire
36:44 #8 She goes numb, you build resentment
41:20 #9 Intimacy shifts from connection to negotiation
46:03 #10 The real path: safety → trust → warmth → play → desire
50:40 Closing — It was never about sex. It was about safety.

Key Points

-Desire needs freedom. Pressure kills it.

-Your calm creates safety. Her safety invites desire.

-Affection must be free. No strings.

-Stop using sex to measure the relationship.

-Regulate first. Connect second. Initiate third.

Try These Steps This Week:

-Breathe and calm your body before you talk about sex.

-Offer affection with no plan to escalate.

-Thank her for honest “no” answers. Do not argue.

-Build small moments of warmth: eye contact, jokes, shared tasks.

-Remove scorekeeping. Give without expecting a return.

Free 30-Minute Consultation

You can book a free 30-minute call. It is just a conversation about what is happening in your marriage and how coaching might work for you. No sales pitch. No pressure. We will see if it is a good fit and how I can help.

If you struggle with life, marriage and relationships and are ready to thrive,check out the resources from Certified Professional Coach Bruce Abbott at https://SecureHusband.com.

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