Shutdown Fullcast

HUGE COACHING NEWS which we don't even get to until over halfway through this episode. That's the kind of pure professionalism you can expect from the Shutdown Fullcast and our preview of the Big 12, which includes:

- Recruiting powerhouse Kansas

- A selection of streaks Iowa State could, in theory, end

- Oklahoma State's real strange road trip plans

- Continued expectations for Texas that they can't possibly reach

- Oh right the Oklahoma thing

- Spencer pulls a Mack Brown

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It's already time to start thinking about the 2017 season, but there's no reason to jump into the deep end. No, we're slowly easing into the calm, lukewarm waters of the SEC's other conference, with a prediction for each team and a goal we're hoping they can reach. Why does Spencer feel okayish about Florida? Who will we be rooting for in Georgia-Notre Dame? How little has Jason prepared for this whole exercise? And at which minute mark will Ryan bemoan his continued existence?

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Thanks to you, we brought in nearly $40,000 in this round of the charity drive, and those of you with particularly fat stacks got to call in and serve as the exclusive VIP inquisitors for your usual three hosts AND three unexpected guests. Topics include:

- Jason's worst airport experience

- How Lane Kiffin is going to run afoul this season

- Our scripted college football playoff for maximum jokes/entertainment

- Yinzers

- Ohio State's seeming lack of down years

- Who will accidentally win the Skip Holtz lottery

- Garth Brooks, Beyonce, Spin Doctors - all concerts Spencer has attended

- Our favorite Saban Alabama losses

Once again, many thanks to all of you who donated.

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Our friend and colleague Bill Connelly is running for college football commissioner, so we run through the planks of his platform one by one and try to...help? Sure, let's go with help. For example:

- How embracing the Olympic model will lead to better local commercials

- The awesome recruiting change that means high school coaches with cigarette boats

- NCAA 17: Fights In The Stands Edition

- Division II Kansas beating Texas

- Putting a 5 loss Wisconsin team in the Playoff

- POD PEOPLE

- Mandatory FCS powerhouse scheduling

- The 3 hour time limit and the one point penalty for punting

Most of these ideas are stupid. So is this podcast. You have been warned.

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Let's start with a few apologies. First, we apologize that we take forever to actually get to the heart of this episode's topic, but there were Charlie Weis things to discuss and you know quite well we're going to talk about Charlie Weis things. Second, we apologize that this podcast continues to exist. We still don't know why that is. Third, we apologize that we have now encouraged you to go on a group vacation to a national park over a long weekend. It's going to go badly and yes, you should have just gotten those cheap plane tickets to Portugal with your significant other. You don't get Lyme disease from drinking too much wine.

(We apologize if you can, in fact, get Lyme disease from drinking too much wine.)

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Two-thirds of the Fullcast is on vacation, but addition by subtraction is real so we invited Holly Anderson to come on and discuss lawncare disasters with us. Highlights include:

--The Greatest Tale Ever Told, or How Holly's Dad Cut Their Cable Line With A Power Washer

--Why lawnmowers are basically Satan's cigarette lighter he uses to burn down the earth

--Zero football content, like maybe there's a second or two in there but it's purely accidental

--No really, most of this is just us laughing at you, the listener, and that one time you set an entire orphanage on fire using a weed whacker the wrong way

--Why's it posting on a Friday? BECAUSE WE WERE BUSY Y'ALL (Probably putting out a fire started by a lawnmower)

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Nick Saban got paid a lot of money to coach Alabama last year. He will get more money thanks to his new deal because nobody will listen to our plan to trick coaches into signing terrible incentive-laden contracts. Don't worry, most of this podcast isn't about the crazy money college football coaches make at the top. It's pointless meanderings about grocery stores, like:

- Can you beat Whole Foods at their own hot bar game?

- Is Trader Joe's for assholes?

- Did you know there are grocery stores where you can buy liquor?

- Why are there grocery stores that don't sell liquor?

- Are Publix Subs that good?

- What's the B in H.E.B. stand for?

- Pork bleaching?

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It's NFL Draft week, so we asked for your uninformed and inflammatory opinions about the World's Most Televised Job Fair that we might agree with them, or disagree, or just talk about something else altogether. Such takes include!

- The Kansas City Chiefs should never draft a quarterback in the first round

- Vandy's Zach Cunningham will be the player college fans correctly think fell way too far

- The Draft is bad and so is league parity

- The Browns should trade the first pick for Bill Belichick

- Draft order should be determined by each team sending a player to the Combine to compete

- Spencer definitely knows what he's doing as a dad

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The Fullcast was gone for a little while, and now it isn't. Naturally, it's time for some meaty football talk about topics like:

- Richard Spencer, and how dumb it is to appeal to racists in the South by telling them football is bad

- Alex Jones and the neurology of chili consumption

- The path to a Rutgers spot (or two) in the College Football Playoff

- Florida Atlantic's new recruiting hashtag #BLOWEDUP18

- Kentucky's TaxSlayer Bowl Attendee rings

- American Gladiators and Disney (not related, missed opportunity by us)

- Mark Davis. Just a banner episode for dumb white guys!

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Ryan was sick for this edition of the Shutdown Fullcast, so we got ESPN's own Mina Kimes to join us to discuss an extremely important college football team: The Seattle Seahawks. Mina is now a featured member of the cast; Ryan has been reassigned to the mail room.  

Other topics discussed: 

--Nick Saban gets out of a helicopter, which is the only actual news

--A brief survey of the Washington Huskies’ recent dark years

--Why the Pac-12’s deep relaxing chill might give college talent better prospects as professional football players

--Pete Carroll’s ability to hypnotize the mothers of recruits with his sheer animal charisma

--The discomfort of referring to anyone as a “twelve” outside of the context of professional wrestling

--Mina discloses her experience playing The Undertaker in wrestling matches with her brother, and how she sells a Stunner

--Celebrations in the football and how a discussion of Korean bat-flipping gets us to the story where Mina does the spinning Homer dance on the floor in the name of doing her job as a journalist

--Proven: Jerry Rice is the best Twitter user on the planet

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