Shutdown Fullcast

Missouri's got a future Heisman winner at quarterback! Oregon's going to the playoff! Tom Herman's about to turn Texas into Notre Dame! South Carolina's winning the SEC East! Minnesota's ruining Michigan's year! Texas Tech is going to have a only somewhat awful defense! These are but a few of the incredibly ill-advised predictions either you or we proposed, but now is the time to get them all out there before the season immediately proves everything we think we know totally wrong. Think of it as a cleanse for all of our dumb. (We'll find more dumb, don't worry.)

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It's our final preview podcast (unless we forgot an entire division, which, yeah, that is a thing we might do) before the season, so naturally we start with ATLANTIC POWERHOUSE WAKE FOREST. Topics include:Why being an NC State fan is like a lifetime of square hamburgersRPO, the cure for all your problems, except possibly lastinthedivisionsclerosisPublished Author Papa John SchnatterJason says Clemson's gonna go 6-6, don't fact check this or he'll sue meBold Boston College take - they will NOT make the CFB PlayoffState-required Noles talking

And remember, if you're frustrated this episode was late, blame Spencer. Always blame Spencer.

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Special guest/experienced SEC West-hater Amanda Mull joins us to preview the division that we keep hoping will be exciting and contended down to the wire and always ends with an Alabama coronation. Topics include!The list of schools that have experienced a sex scandal, and what an LSU sex scandal would look like if one could even existArkansas's record predicted based on opposing mascot huntabilityAuburn's place in the Georgia Hate pecking orderHow Skip Holtz becomes head coach at Mississippi StateOur proposal for the Texas A&M Exclusive Luxury Football ExperienceSpicy picks if you're not predicting Bama to win the West

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We're gonna talk about the Backyard Brawl, and Stanford winning outright as a 41 point dog, and the Heisman winner finding his path as a minor league baseball player, and Dennis Dixon's injury, and the time ULM beat Nick Saban, and Houston Nutt, and a whole lot of other weird shit that happened in 2007. We apologize now if any of this is painful to you.

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Houston Nutt is in your emails right now. He's already told your boss about that thing you ordered online. You know the one. Just quit now and save yourself the disgrace. The unemployment rate is going to jump 3% this year and it'll just be because Houston Nutt demands his damn pound of flesh. (Phrasing, I know.)

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Think of the Pac-12 North as a summer backyard meal at your friend's house. Cal is the napkins, noteworthy only if they don't show up for some reason and the gimme item you assign to your least trustworthy guest. Oregon State, you're potato salad. Totally fine to ignore rather than risk getting food poisoning. Wazzu is the hard liquor your cousin brought even thought you said BEER ONLY GOD DEREK DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM LAST YEAR. Oregon's flag cake - might be better than you expect, but let's keep the ceiling appropriately moderate and if this is the best thing there, something went very wrong. That leaves Stanford and Washington. They're burgers and hot dogs. Which is to say we don't know which one's actually better, we just want to gorge.

At least one of these metaphors is in this episode! The others are just free bonus content. You're very welcome.

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MICHIGAN! OHIO STATE! PENN STATE! RUTGah yeah ok that's what's dragging this division down. A few warnings about this episode:There are a handful of Logan spoilersThe Penn State section probably talks too much about Pitt, but if you didn't see that coming I'm not sure you even listen to this podcastAt least three video game references in here, none of which are at all current because we're old as hellBrady Hoke, Ohio State Offensive Coordinator is proposedMark Dantonio is Santa now, warn your childrenMade up Springsteen songs aplenty

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Colorado won 10 games last year, and it's entirely possible that your team didn't. In fact, this is almost certainly true if you root for a different member of the Pac-12 South (ok fine USC is good and fun, we get it). But this is 2017, and now it's time to talk about:How far the Buffs fall back this seasonWhy Utah football is the opposite of ginThe man who saw USC win 9 national titles and then died in the Rose Bowl parking lot, possibly as an intentional inconvenience to UCLAThe spectacular badness of Arizona StateThe unspectacular badness of ArizonaJim Mora's path to pre-Halloween job freedom runs through Memphis

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ACC Coastal time! At least once we spend a few minutes talking about The Price Is Right and Monopoly and sadness, but they're sort of on topic actually. Then we discuss:Why Brad Kaaya was very smart to leaveThe meaninglessness of UVA in 2017Georgia Tech, the ACC's best roller coasterHow Pitt loses four games and breaks the Playoff system completelyA caller predicts that Virginia Tech loses 10 gamesWho's older: David Cutcliffe or Vladimir Putin?Larry Fedora's failure to develop his Instagram Leg game

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Our march to Week 1 continues with a look at the Big Ten's Michigan/Ohio State/Penn State-less division, the West! Points of discussion include:

- Wisconsin's return to easy mode scheduling after a year contending with anything but

- Why Iowa-Iowa State must be respected

- Unless Iowa just loses to Wyoming to start the season

- Nebraska and death by balloon

- How P.J. Fleck winds up in Knoxville thanks to Minnesota

- Purdue's possible return to master of the "oh shit what's happening now" channel change

- Why Spencer just wants Illinois to be quiet

- Ryan gets fed up with Pat Fitzgerald; is summarily mocked by his cohosts

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