Shutdown Fullcast

Though apparently you can lose to Iowa State, if you have really really really good hair. You can also lose to Boston College, but you have to be UConn, which, no, don't do that. You CAN'T lose to Central Michigan if you're Oklahoma State. They ran the numbers and it's mathematically impossible; please correct your flawed record book. Other topics!

- Rutgers, and Paul Wulff proves it could be so much worse

- Standing outside in the cold to prove you're tough

- Colorado won't make the Playoff but dang that'd be awesome

- An exploration of the madness that is the Apple Cup

- Vanderbilt tuned up Ole Miss, in case you missed it

- Tom Herman's airport habits

- Notre Dame is 4-7, just FYI

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This is the block of text where I tell you what goes on in this week's episode, but, honestly, who can even remember? I know we talked about ice cream as it relates to the SEC-SoCon challenge, and what kind of butt each ACC team is. I vaguely recall a listener asking us how to make money, even though we're all financial idiots. Maybe there are game previews, but they're probably ill-conceived. Oh, Jason definitely called Florida moving back into the top 25. And Spencer made Ryan feel bad about himself. Plus some other stuff? In theory?

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Fair warning: if you listen to this episode, you're going to hear Spencer scream IOWAAAAAAAA for a longer time than seems necessary. You will also hear

- A tribute to Hawkeye punter Ron Coluzzi and Tales of Kinnick Intoxication

- Actual positive discussion of Pitt, no fooling

- Actual positive discussion of USC, what is wrong with us

- Checking in on Boston College, that's more like it

- Conference championship nightmare scenarios imagined

- Auburn's um, interesting quarterback situation

- Congratulating Wake Forest on their big hockey win

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The ass-ingest week of the college football season is here, and we are here to do two things: kick said ass, and chew bubble gum. And we are all out of bubble gum. Because we ate it. Because bubble gum is delicious, and something that tastes that good shouldn't be something you aren't supposed to eat.

Topics of interest for week eleven:

--We're going to talk about football, because that's our job! Nothing else. At least, not much of anything else before we go about our business.

--It's a less-than-luminous week on the slate, but USC/Washington is happening. Do you call all USC quarterbacks "Matt" by default? Spencer does, and it makes so much sense when you start remembering that everyone who has ever played QB for the Trojans is actually a secret Matt.

--How Washington coach Chris Petersen's greatest asset as a coach is calling an offensive game like a complete dick. (He's fine, personally! But calling plays like he does? Total dick, which is what you want when you

--Hey listen Will Muschamp has had success with a young QB before, it's just not fun to remember when you're yelling about "LOL MUSCHAMP." Oh, and a reminder that there is the real possibility that a kid who could be playing his senior season in high school might have to face Alabama in the SEC Championship Game! That should probably be illegal!

--Arkansas also plays LSU in the week's only other matchup of ranked teams. One is ranked #24 and one is ranked #25 but that still technically means ranked in the weakest possible definition of ranked.

--A proposal for Oregon to hire Hugh Freeze, the man least personally compatible with living in Eugene, Oregon and working for Phil Knight

--SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE BECAUSE O-5 IN BIG TEN PLAY MICHIGAN STATE PLAYS 0-5 RUTGERS LET'S KICK THIS SHIT OFF AT NINE A.M. AND SEE HOW SOON WE CAN GET IT OVER WITH

--Notre Dame is playing Army in San Antonio, for some reason?

--Let Jason do his best Dana Holgorsen impression, which he describes as "drunk Shawn Michaels." A meal eaten at 1 a.m. still counts as breakfast.

--Washington/Cal is happening again so be prepared for seven hours of something sort of resembling football that will end in tears

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Ohio State-Nebraska! Vandy-Auburn! Iowa-Penn State! TCU-Baylor! These are but a few of the games that we managed to not discuss this week, in part because Spencer's internet connection died before we could. (The other part: we're biased and hate your team.) What did we talk about instead?

- How Alabama is sabotaging its own championship hopes

- When we decided LSU was dead

- Designing a fitting trophy for Michigan State-Rutgers

- Why the Pac-12 gives Spencer maximum entertainment

- Ryan's the one mad at Florida now apparently

- Special guest Brian Floyd breaks down Arizona

- The holiest path ahead for Hugh Freeze

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Jason's outside again, which, yeah, means the sound's going to be a total disaster. Oh, and we talked about some football stuff, like:

- What the Big 12 is for, if anything

- The bowl prediction that pits Charlie Strong against Georgia

- How to fix GameDay with more guns

- Jim Harbaugh goes to a baseball game

- Spencer's new nickname, Captain Beef

- Which QBs we've seen absorb the most physical punishment

- Notre Dame is playing Navy

- In Jacksonville

- Before noon

- Why you shouldn't knock on Alabama's door on Halloween

- Finding Ed Orgeron a home, possibly in the Marvel universe

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West Virginia and Boise and Baylor and Nebraska were all undefeated. They aren't now, which, well, sorry y'all. This episode has a good five minutes of I don't really know what at the beginning, followed by this:

- A conference referee taxonomy

- Pointing out that Tennessee lost to a child quarterback born after the last Volunteer national title

- Admiring Notre Dame's persistence in trying to lose yet again

- Explaining how PJ Fleck will beat USC three times in 2017

- The origins of the universe as they relate to Georgia football

- Doing Louisville a solid by saying very little about how they almost lost to UVA

- Doing Ohio State a MAJOR solid by not even talking about the Northwestern game

- A celebration of Wyoming winning by safety

- DUDES DUDES DUDES DUDES DUDES DUDES

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Week 9's games: pretty okay! There's an interesting Virginia Tech-Pitt clash on Thursday, a number of noon games you can watch instead of Kentucky-Mizzou on Saturday, a Baylor-Texas matchup that surely won't turn into a bunch of yelling and accusation hurling, one of Washington's last regular season chances to do something people will pay attention to, a Wisconsin-Nebraska game that one team will leave still undefeated, and Clemson-Florida State.

Some of these games we talk about with analysis and thought! Many of them we do not and it's the same old bullshit and dumb jokes! One nice-ish thing is said about Notre Dame! Sort of! Papa John is discussed aaaaaagain! And we check in on Jason's bet with Steven Godfrey on whether or not Kansas can win 3 games. (Spoiler: maybe, but you'll need to wait a little.)

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Penn State knocked off #2 Ohio State with a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown, so naturally we take 10 minutes to get to that game and talk about LSU-Ole Miss first because we're terrible at identifying meaningfulness. Other points of digression include:

- Whether Todd Graham has what it takes to use "chickenshit" in conversation

- How to defeat Jim Harbaugh by preying on his crippling addiction to competition

- Bill Snyder is not a nice person, don't fall for his kind grandpa thing

- Kirk Ferentz does the job you paid him to do

- Our government mandated statement of fealty to Alabama

- A very rude trip through the Arkansas-LSU box score

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FULLCAST BACK. This time without Ryan, who we subbed out for Jane Coaston, MTV News writer, Michigan fan, and Hammering Panda evangelist. It’s like all the other podcasts where we bring someone else in: better by subtraction of one of our three inept selves, and then improved further by having an actual competent person on the show.

TOPICS:

The Hammering Panda and Man Berg, aka the Big Ten’s two best-named players taking the same field for Illinois/Michigan. This is the only reason to even think about this game.

Discussion of the biggest game of the week...EASTERN MICHIGAN AT WESTERN MICHIGAN

Fine, fine, we talk about the various fictions one has to write in order to get to a competitive and real Texas A&M/Alabama game. Remember how it’s in Tuscaloosa? That’s neat!

Jason points out that the SEC West is set on random this year. See: Gus Malzahn, tough-minded, defense-first coach.

Oregon/Cal exists? Why?

What NC State is (a kind of demon raccoon that thrives in trash fires) and why they could theoretically be a problem in a noon game with Louisville

The IT JUST MEANS MORE game of the week is MTSU/Mizzou, which Mizzou could totalllllllllllly lose

Jason leaves like Mack Brown in the middle of the broadcast, meaning Jane and Spencer take advantage of the opportunity to yell about Colorado, which SEC coach is secretly a democrat, and why Chick-Fil-A needs to stop this stupid shit where they insist no one believed in chicken for breakfast

WE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN CHICKEN FOR BREAKFAST

Oh, and in those reader questions, we talk about how Baylor is the most hated team by media this season because almost no one in college football media has the faintest clue how to start talking about what happened at Baylor. That’s bad! As in really bad, as in almost as bad as conducting a report/review that you just summarized in a separate summary of public findings without naming individuals at all.

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