Shutdown Fullcast

Week three is full of extremely random but extremely good games, so most of this podcast is actually taken up by football talk. Like, at least 51% of the podcast, a new record for the Shutdown Fullcast.

TOPICS:

--A warm-up on light regional accents, including the unbelievable Pittsburgh accent and a quick review of how delightfully ironic it is when people from Wisconsin call you a hick

--We swear we'll tell you the one thing Bama needs to do to beat Ole Miss, but first we talk about Houston going on the road to play Cincy. Delicious platelet-rich plasma shots for everyone.

--Miami/App State, per ESPN's ticket index, is the second most expensive ticket in the nation right now. KIDD BREWER STADIUM, HOME OF ARISTOCRATS AND TYCOONS.

--All three of us foolishly talking ourselves into Louisville beating Florida State

--At least ten minutes of conversation about Papa John, aka John Schnatter, aka Big Daddy Garlic Bowls, aka The Worst Commercial Actor and Brand Presence Ever

--Oklahoma hosting Ohio State, or how that really shouldn't be a close game if we're all being honest about Oklahoma at this point versus the monster Ohio State should, in theory, have. (In theory.)

--Anxiety Week in the SEC West! Someone's getting fired and everything is bad. Ooh, and Georgia plays Mizzou, a game no one should watch, at all.

--Pitt plays at Okie State, for some reason?

--Finally, we reveal the secret to Alabama beating Ole Miss

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Week Two's review is, like the week itself, far more interesting than advertised, even if it did drive Verne Lundquist to openly ask for distraction during the death throes of the Kentucky/Florida game. (Death throes = anything past the first quarter.)

TOPICS:

--How Jason just skipped this whole weekend and almost cried when Andre 3000 came out for "Black Ice" at the Dungeon Family reunion show

--Maybe we discuss Kentucky football too long, but also come up with a fascinating solution to Kentucky's problems with an impending showdown with Alabama? (Don't go, and pass the savings on to your fans!)

--The thousand ways Louisville quarterback Lamar Jackson is not real right now

--Ryan finds the saddest scene from Illinois State/Northwestern, which is quite an accomplishment

--A suggestion for new rivals for Penn State since Pitt is unfit to be their rival despite losing to the Panthers 42-39 this weekend

--A review of the hilarity of Arkansas football and the brutal and irritating ways they found to antagonize TCU

--OH WE GET TO TALK ABOUT GEORGIA ALMOST LOSING TO NICHOLLS AND HOW NICK CHUBB DIDN'T HAVE 100 YARDS AGAINST NICHOLLS

--A detour into the disastrous ending of Washington State/Boise State where no one wanted to win the game

--A review of the Navy/UConn game, where UConn definitely did not want to win the game, and threw 15 seconds into the trash because time is free, and points are something you can pull out of your pocket after the game and apply retroactively

--How Tennessee scored 45 points and still looked worrisomely bad on offense against Virginia Tech, aka how we really don't want to see Josh Dobbs get hurt this season

--Central Michigan shouldn't have won, and did, and if it's Monday we just kicked you in the balls again, Oklahoma State fan

--Nick Saban, furious after a 38-10 win where Western Kentucky's QB politely decided to "leave the game"

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--Week two is so bad Spencer stumbles over the intro before the show even starts

--Oh, we get to discuss Texas/ND and Ole Miss/FSU! Which were both pleasing to the hater in different and yet still equally satisfying parts

--A review of Iowa v. Iowa State, aka ¡El Assico!, the game some Iowa fans get mad at us for even noticing. "It's like you're pooping in the woods and someone looks." ---Jason Kirk, football genius, giving us the perfect analogy for this.

--A discussion of relevant airplane drinking

--Okay we're done discussing Iowa

--NOPE. Ryan goes off on Iowa extending Kirk Ferentz to a contract that none of us understand, but that Ryan REALLY doesn't understand.

--Okay Ryan goes on for a while longer about this, and we point out other coaches who did what Ferentz did and got fired. Hi, Mark Richt!

--A lengthy discussion of how having a child will not make Ryan a better, more mature person, and also that one time Spencer yelled at a pair of FSU fans in front of his children. Also calling Florida State fans "headcrab-ass people", which is to be expected here.

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Remember that thing where SEC teams were going to start playing real teams to start the season, and not cupcake games against the overmatched dregs of FCS? THAT MAY HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE.

Ryan, Jason, and Spencer review the first weekend of the season up until Sunday, which we do not cover because we recorded this early on Sunday, when Notre Dame lost to Texas. It would have been fun to talk about Notre Dame losing painfully in OT to a Texas team it beat by thirty points and more last year, but we did not have time to discuss how Notre Dame could not stop the offense of a team that last year lost a howler to Iowa State. Again, we did not discuss this hilarious failure by Notre Dame, a team whose disappearance into a crater or timefold or other deep hole opening into another dimension would diminish the overall value of college football and society at large by zero percent.

We also did not discuss how ugly-ass the ugly-ass Under Armour shirts Notre Dame's staff had to wear on the sidelines. Static-ass ugly-ass 1992-lookin-ass shirts.

So since we did not discuss that, we talk about the following instead:

--How the SEC faceplanted so very badly on opening weekend

--Why the team with the kicker with the longer hair will always win a game, i.e. why Mississippi State lost at home to South Alabama

--A special breakout on whatever Kentucky did, which was bad even by the deplorable and intense standards of Kentucky-level failure

--We don't even discuss Alabama because this is a football podcast not an avalanche report

--How FCS teams beating FBS teams is a bad thing for your FBS team as long as your team isn't Washington State, which now will reel off nine straight wins and go to the Rose Bowl because this is a new tradition they have and you can't mess with tradition

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WEEK ONE IS HERE. The internet's only college football podcast starts off the 2016 college football season with:

--a super important conversation about people Spencer does not look like, because...football?

--how we love Cal for not mattering, ever

--why we decide to begin the greatest sport's season every year with South Carolina football, a brand sure to drive horrified new viewers away in droves

--how Jason once pulled a D in a British Lit class despite going to the wrong classroom and class the entire semester, go Kennesaw State Owls

--which ranked teams face upsets in week one, even though we don't actually know who's good or not, and thus don't really have too many upsets? (SEE: OLE MISS VS. FLORIDA STATE, or any other ranked v. ranked matchup)

--Ryan singing "NORTH CAROLINA, BEATING GEORGIA" jauntily

--Who's going to lose to an FCS team in their opening week besides Iowa State, who's totally losing to UNI because UNI specializes in this thing

--More excited discussion about Auburn QB "White, Sean" and how sneaky fast he is

--The introduction of 2016's hottest college football scoreboard cam gimmick: FIGHT CAM. We just send six cartoonishly costumed prospectors into a sparsely populated part of the stadium to stage-fight one lucky fan selected at random. The whole stadium gets to watch! It'll be delightful.

--Texas plays Notre Dame, who they should want to beat very badly after last year's 35 point loss to the Irish. It's good to want things, even if they probably won't happen.

--A final conversation about Ole Miss vs. FSU, the game where we see if Chad Kelly can outdo his predecessor Bo Wallace in throwing perfectly matching sets of TDs and INTs.

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Two former SEC linemen join Jason and Ryan while Spencer is lost in the mountains. They talk about:

- fried chicken chains and the unspeakable world of on-campus food delivery

- the merits of blocking vs. muting on Twitter

- whether college offensive linemen are really as unprepared as NFL scouts complain they are

- strength coaches

- the merits of scheduling FCS opponents

- the very small difference between Heaven and Hell

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The fire code gets tossed out the window on this episode, with special guests Bill Connelly (Podcast Ain't Played Nobody), Dan Rubenstein (The Solid Verbal), Bud Elliott (Tomahawk Nation), and Brian Floyd (Lost in the Upside Down). This ragtag crew is faced with the task of:

- Figuring out what the hell we did with those season predictions, and why

- Selecting the most generic FBS school

- Threatening to murder turn of the century German teens

- Identifying the worst conference game of 2016

- Picking the teams that will go from great to trash and vice versa this season

- Failing to know the best Van Morrison song

It's...surprisingly coherent? Sure, let's go with that.

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The final preview episode! We're there, at last, but not before an intro where we talk about how playing in Detroit in the NFL is like the Dark Souls of football career challenges, and maybe a quick diversion into Botched, the best worst show on television. These two concepts are definitely related.

The final teams:

--BAMA. Mostly just us making things up about how they're not going to drag everyone on this schedule except for Ole Miss

--OLE MISS. A fond discussion about a team that will probably beat Alabama, and then somehow lose four games along the way. The Rebels remain the team that wins the lottery on Monday, and is out of money by Tuesday; the Rebels remain "As I Lay Dying: The Football Team."

--TEXAS A&M. That thing where you look at the schedule and make some very charitable advances in the Aggies' direction and still come up with a 7-5 record at best. Good luck, Kevin Sumlin!

--UCLA. Josh Rosen could be really good, and it still might not matter if UCLA manages to get half its roster injured like they did last year. We also examine the philosophies of Jim Mora, Profane Zen Master.

--West Virginia. Dana Holgorsen has been in Morgantown six years! He's almost an institution, which is probably just about when he up and leaves before creditors find him.

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You know, just because we say you're getting two podcasts in a week doesn't mean you're getting a good pair of podcasts. This isn't entirely our fault: the random assortment of teams came up with not one, but TWO teams in the state of Illinois. This was doomed from the start.

Topics include:

--A quick discussion of the hierarchy of cheap-ass grocery store chains, and a reminder that HEB hands out beers to drink while you're shopping

--A review of all the bad things that have happened to every single one of these teams

--A discussion of South Carolina football that devolves into "Will Muschamp, hostage negotiator"

--How Northwestern is exactly the team to start 4-0 and end up 6-6

--A thing that will get us at least two angry emails about how Chicago is a college football town

--Oregon State gets fast-forwarded to next year, let's just come back and see how they're doing next year, y'all, look away, this is definitely something for 2017 and eyes away, please

--Ryan talks very seriously about Baylor, and not about football alone

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