Shutdown Fullcast

The Shutdown Fullcast this week boldly attempts to go where Shutdown Fullcasts so rarely go: INTO ACTUAL FOOTBALL.

Ryan assigned random numbers to every college football team, and then asked readers to send him numbers. The five teams selected were Arizona State, Georgia Tech, North Carolina, and Colorado. We did no research, and attempted to discuss them!

Topics of actual football content covered include:

--Why Georgia Tech is the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" of college football teams (the points don't matter!)

--a lawnmower goes off in the background while we're discussing Georgia Tech, which is the most DGAF Paul Johnson country shit ever besides finding the upside to missing a bowl game in 2015

--Why Arizona State will bounce back form a 6-7 season to have a spellbinding 7-6 season. (Also: yet another explanation of the important concept of boat muscles.)

--We spend most of the time on our UNC preview talking about how gutted their defense was by Baylor in the Russell Athletic Bowl, when Baylor ran EIGHTY-FOUR TIMES FOR 645 YARDS IN A SINGLE GAME. They passed 18 times, too, which is real funny. You know what UNC loses from that defense? Linebackers! THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

--How Colorado will have the most brutal 5-7 season of 2016! You have no luck in anything, Colorado.

--A mean turn through the Florida Gators football schedule, which is the standard Jeremy Foley-endorsed trash. It is trash, Jeremy Foley. Straight fuckin' trash.

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The Shutdown Fullcast this week features all three cast members reunited at last. This is good because it requires the full powers of Ryan, Spencer, and Jason combined to admit the painful but obvious truth: that Ole Miss delivered for once, and saved everyone from the tedium of an event-free offseason.

Topics covered include:

-- "New York is the Reebok Pump of cities"

-- The debut of "Neil deGrasse Tyson, Football Analyst", and the debut of the gritties noble gas

-- How Laremy Tunsil had the absolute worst possible night on draft night, and how nothing should change at Ole Miss whatsoever, and how the SEC is the laziest conference imaginable in every lazy way possible because they are lazy. LAZY.

-- nope nope nothing happened at Alabama nope don't look no biggie nope

-- "Stand Up! With George Wallace", aka the most popular podcast in Birmingham

-- Reader questions, including a discussion of what the worst possible expanded universe would be, aka WHY THE GILMORE GIRLS IS THE MOST TEDIOUS SHOW EVER MADE

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Andy Staples of Sports Illustrated joins us at the last minute to take Jason's spot. Where is Jason? Jason was at Disney World, and needs several weeks to recover from the experience. This seems like a paltry amount of time for this, but he's a soldier and we can't keep him away from the front lines for long.

Topics covered include:

--The time Andy yelled "IRON" in Italian at terrified Florentines until someone finally sold him one for 19 euros

--How to care about anything in what might be the driest, most boring offseason college football has ever known (A: you can't, really)

--Why the Department of Justice has solved every major issue facing this country

--A brief discussion of how USC might be one of the most incompetent athletic departments in the country and yet still get bailed out by resources, beautiful surroundings, and UCLA never caring enough to be good

--Which conference will be the first to construct a giant monster truck made entirely of Mini Coopers? (Texas, it's gonna be Texas.)

--Yet more epic tales of poor and stupid living from Alachua County

--The unveiling of the Andy Staples Perpetual Motion BBQ machine

--The first and only edition of "Joel Osteen or Mack Brown?"

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The Fullcast grabbed Holly Anderson to fill in for Ryan who is SOMEHOW STILL ON VACATION WHAT ARE YOU EUROPEAN OR SOMETHING. Anyway, she's the captain now, and Ryan's gone and can keep mooning about the continent and eating street waffles for all we care. HOPE STREET WAFFLES WERE WORTH OUR LOVE, FAITHLESS MAN-SCAMP.

Topics covered include

--Why there's a traffic reporter in ATL who is called "Cracker", aka "there's a different racial dynamic when you're in a helicopter."

--How Holly forgot the name of USC's coach, again, and how USC really did hire three USC offensive coordinators in a row like that's a thing that isn't hilarious and absurd

--A brief discussion of South Carolina's Boom Bus, and how no one ever leaves Will Muschamp with enough floss

--Bud Elliott's hot prom fashion tips for 2016

--An analysis of Ludacris' tour rider, including a positive review of his taste in candles and deodorant (SECRET GANG)

--Holly explaining why "Your dad" jokes are so, so much worse than "Your mom" jokes, and then proceeding to making Spencer very, very uncomfortable

--An appreciation of various outdoorsy drunk-states, including a solid plea for the superiority of "lake drunk"

--Was there more to this podcast that we didn't record due to technical incompetence? YOU BETCHA, TAKE IT FOR THE LOW PRICE OF FREE ANYWAY.

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The Shutdown Fullcast for this week subs out one Ryan for another because SOMEONE decided he needed a "vacation in Italy."

In Nanni's place we substitute Ryan Van Bibber, SB Nation NFL editor, who despite his chosen subject matter has very little respect for the Cult of the NFL Draft.

Topics covered include:

--the splendors of Branson, MO

--which Florida Gator will be the steal of the draft, and what school he ended up playing football at after being kicked out of the University of Florida (because that happens to every football player at the University of Florida)

--a community agreement that all quarterbacks are busts coming out of college, and will be called this just to make life easier on them until success is attained

--an analysis of the least literate fans in college football re: the draft, and yes, it's Tebow loyalists

--the sandwich analogy for amateurism and theft

--a review of the 2000 draft, where Sebastian Janikowski might really be the best pick overall

--why you should draft anyone on a mid-major team where the mere mention of their name makes you go OH THAT GUY

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This week's Fullcast features nothing but reader questions thanks to a bumper crop of quality inquiries. This happens whenever you start asking people about bad financial decisions, because if there is one clarion theme in life, it's making terrible financial decisions all the time.

Topics covered include:

-- A full disclosure of tattoos, including a terrible anchor Jason couldn't be bothered to finish

--Should Mississippi State have paid the alleged $180K for Cam Newton YES YES YES THE ANSWER IS YES AND THERE IS NO OTHER ANSWER OTHER THAN "YES AND MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE PAID HIM MORE"

--Why Randy "Macho Man" Savage would have been a fine suicide hotline operator

--A deeply personal discussion of personal dance moves

--"You know what'll never hurt you? A calliope."

--A definition of realistic prices for the service of being stunned by Stone Cold Steve Austin

--The invention of a wrestler named "CPAP", and the assignment of a Face role for Ryan where he wears briefs (or he's Paul Bearer, Jr.)

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On this episode of Shutdown Fullcast, we give you tips on how to have the Best Spring Break Ever (tip 1: don't get punched) (tip 2: don't go to Gatlinburg), figure out which rap artists would be the best NFL agent, fix the Combine, make a bunch of unnecessary video game references, and talk about how a Georgia law is made.

P.S. There's still not really any college football happening, in case you couldn't tell.

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An extremely slow college football week means we're talking about all of the following:

--A casual examination of random selections from the Rick James autobiography, including his relationship with Linda Blair and the time Rick James brought cocaine INTO Colombia

--How having kids means you'll see about two movies a year in the theater, and how one of those movies will definitely not be that Superman vs. Batman trash

--The dramatic overrepresentation of Boston in film, and how we're going to start the Houston-centric film genre with Jason's classic "Good Trill Hunting"

--Why the Longhorn Network should work the 2005 BCS Title game into every bit of its programming, every day

--Does Mike Gundy even care if he lives or dies anymore? And is he the most Universally Orange Coach?

--Why now is the perfect time for a thriving Big 12 to absolutely nuke itself

--An appreciation of the joy of stealing golf carts

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The Shutdown Fullcast returns this week with the following content provided to you during a season where there is ABSOLUTELY NO FOOTBALL CONTENT. We're basically magicians because a.) we make things appear out of nowhere, and b.) we're often awkward at parties, just like real magicians.

Topics include:

--The auspicious beginnings of the Will Muschamp era at South Carolina

--Two stories Bun B told us for free, including the time he was in a situation so bad that Suge Knight showing up was GOOD news

--A note of admiration for the genius who invented Blue Raspberry, the zone read of plays

--What to do when Purdue gets into your bloodstream

--Ryan speaks for several minutes in Ben Carson's voice, which he turns out to be pretty good at

--A question so heinous the clearest and safest answer is "Bob Davie"

--There's a school named "Moon Area", which isn't a question but is an important observation

--A terrifying realization that Charlie Weis WILL coach Rutgers one day

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An express edition of the Fullcast comes to you this week via travel and other annoyances of actual employment. A day late, yes, but not a dollar short because we're suddenly talking about ILLINOIS FOOTBALL SPENDING MONEY IN THE YEAR 2016. Take your opinions on what this means for the US economy and wad them up and deposit them in a trash can, because NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THIS MEANS.

Also discussed:

--NFL coaches who came to college with varying results

--A sidenote on that maybe mentioning that maybe Bill Callahan wasn't the worst coach in the world while he was at Nebraska, maybe? (Maybe?)

--I call former Arkansas running back Peyton Hillis "Perry Hillis" because I am having a month long stroke

--A brief acknowledgment that two more players have left the Florida football team, a thing that is surprisingly easy to do

--A long discussion for easily half of the podcast about the best and worst stores to be trapped. BASS PRO SHOPS FOR LIFE

The audio quality is crap because we had to record on the road, and also because the Vox Media offices' HVAC system runs at the volume of a MiG-23 at full bore.

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