Shutdown Fullcast

Oh it's DOUBLE FULLCAST WEEK. This one might as well be the Brunch episode, because it involves a few prime ingredients (look, we're talking about Florida State, an excellent football team) mixed in with the lesser leftovers from the week you might not want to serve by themselves. (Hello, Indiana and Vanderbilt.)

Topics include:

--More yelling about FSU's Dalvin Cook, who should have been the Heisman winner last year, and how his football team might be real, real good around him already before you add in his unearthly talents.

--Vanderbilt discussion centers mostly around a.) Vandy improving to a lofty five win standard again, and b.) a lot of reminders about how dismal Vandy has been historically, like that's something that will make Vandy feel better about getting their teeth kicked in by Tennessee consistently again.

--Indiana! AMERICA'S MOST ZANDER DIAMONT TEAM.

--Texas Tech! They're just Indiana football, but dustier and blessed with Pat Mahomes at quarterback.

--Finally, Kansas State, which just gets kind of sad because it really, really feels like Bill Snyder's last season. (Even though it turns out that Bill Snyder is younger than man/chicken hybrid Kenny Rogers.)

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WE BACK. The summer preview quite literally rolls on, at least in Jason's case, since he recorded his portion in the car this week in transit to SEC Media Days. Does Jason, recording in his car on a phone over the ineptly paved and uneven highways of Alabama, still sound better than recording over Indiana internet? Yes, yes it does. You're better than Indiana at something, Alabama! STICK THAT CHEST OUT AND ROLL TIDE.

This one is...actually good? Actually GREAT. The teams this week are:

--MICHIGAN STATE. A team that somehow feels like they'll be fine by scoring fewer points, playing uglier football, and losing a quarterback whose personality was considered cancerous even by NFL quarterback standards. Then again: when has an experienced backup upperclassman being considered a given at QB ever gone wrong, we ask, when, when in the entire history of say, Florida football has that ever gone wro--

--NC State! They're definitely a football team? They have a pretty good defense? They'll play sort of ineffective offense, but do it quickly? They're in the ACC, and not named Florida State or Clemson, so [bucket of shrug emojis]?

--GEORGIA. A preview where we definitely do not say that Kirby Smart is Will Muschamp part 2, and where Jason yells out "ALL DAWGS MATTER" after suggesting you can get an undergraduate degree in conservative talk radio at the University of Georgia. Remember when Grayson Lambert went 24 for 25 against South Carolina, and was going to win the Heisman, and then five months later Mark Richt was coaching Miami? We do.

--Louisville! Summary: Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson

--TCU. Where when you play Pokemon Go, you find Gary Patterson and you find a Squirtle. We all agree that they're going to go 11-1, which is nothing but doom for TCU. SQUIRTLE WINS.

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Jason joined us from Indiana to record this one from inside what sounds like a steamer trunk filled with spiders. We will never, ever let Jason do this again, or we will put him back inside a very real steamer trunk filled with spiders.

The teams previewed this week are:

--Mississippi State! Goddammit, Dan Mullen, you gigantic idiot. That and "Dak Prescott is gone" are your whole preview.

--LSU! Where Jason, from inside that spider-filled steamer trunk in Buttsville, Indiana, tries to sell us all on Brandon Harris being more than the typical LSU Quarterback Of The Moderately Damnable Quality.

--Arkansas! We mostly debate the various calendar-themed types of Arkansas teams Bret Bielema has created over the years: the SeptemBERT variety, the OctoBERT one, or the rarest and most potent of them all, the NovemBERT strain that still goes like 2-2, but does so with a powerful, entertaining vigor. Please don't firebomb our houses for discussing your football team, Arkansas fans.

--Penn State! Now with 100% less Christian Hackenberg, which might be a good thing? Oh, and they turned over their whole coaching staff, basically, so...JAMES FRANKLIN RECRUITING SOMETHING SOMETHING

--Duke, which we don't really preview because honestly we know nothing about them, will do no research, and are very glad David Cutcliffe will probably get them somewhere between 5-7 and 7-5 and better than Duke football should by any rights be.

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Why did we discuss USC? Mostly to remind you no one knows who their coach is, and so we could play out the gag of not saying his name to make you look up who it is. Oh, and to make Ryan go back when Spencer forgot the gag, said his name, and then forced Ryan to edit in some extremely dope music over the guy's name at the 9:30 mark.

Topics! (THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN.)

--What USC will look like in 2016, which will probably be "a lot like other USC teams in recent history, but with an absolutely brutal schedule including Alabama in week one." You'd want a few warmups if you were a new coach. UNNAMED COACH does not get one, and that should be extremely entertaining for everyone but USC fans. They get to break in a new QB, too, and most of a new front seven! Just lean on the phrase "IMMENSELY TALENTED AND GROWING EVERY DAY," Trojan fans. It's a rhetorical rock that won't budge for at least a year of steady support.

--Missouri! Don't listen to this part, it's just depressing to talk about, we shouldn't have talked about Missouri at all.

--Kentucky! Man, just don't listen to this either. You chose poorly, listeners. You chose so poorly when you picked this selection.

--Cal! When you look at a team and they could conceivably go 3-9, that's...seriously, why did you give us these teams to talk about.

--A quick look at Oklahoma State, the school where Mike Gundy is still coach. We checked and called and everything, he's actually still there despite feuding with the school's biggest booster every three years or so when his contract comes up.

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FARMERS ONLY THIS WEEK. The Shutdown Fullcast this week covers the agriculturingest slate of teams we've covered yet, including:

--Nebraska, a team that on further examination reveals itself to have absolutely no predictability whatsoever for 2016. None. Look at that schedule and find more than two sure wins or two sure losses in either direction. Do it and die.

--Virginia, an outlier here because a.) Virginia has not farmed since the 1800s and b.) all three of us admit that we will not watch more than three combined quarters of UVA football this year even with a new coach, because we never watch more than three combined quarters of Virginia football in any calendar year

--Clemson! The thinkin' farmer's school, which happens to be good enough at scoring points to realistically outpace anyone trying to keep up with them this year. Deshaun Watson ran for a thousand yards and threw for over 4,000 last year and gets his best receiver back. Do not stare directly at the Clemson offense; do not handle it without protective goggles and lead aprons.

--Oklahoma! Watch how much we don't talk about Bob Stoops having Joe Mixon as someone who somehow gets to play football this year.

--It would be a shame to demean the sucecss of Iowa football in 2015 and their promise for 2016 by just talking about ¡EL ASSICO! and how badly Iowa got trashed in the Rose Bowl by Stanford. This, however, is a podcast built on shame. This is pretty much what we do.

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The Shutdown Fullcast Random Previews continue with four very interesting, important, and/or intriguing teams. There is also Maryland. We're sorry, but there is also some Maryland in there.

Topics include:

--Maryland! We talk about the Terps first, largely to get them out of the way because it's gonna be a rebuilding year even if it will be an interesting one. Spencer thinks they'll lose to FIU! Take it to the bank, if your bank also takes bets on obscure Friday night out-of-conference games.

--We all agree that Auburn is an extremely dangerous team in 2016. (Mostly for Auburn, but dangerous is dangerous is dangerous.)

--Did we all just somehow agree that Texas is a nine-win team? Did this just happen? THIS JUST HAPPENED, GO CRAZY AND HOOK 'EM, DEFINITELY RUN WITH THIS ABSURD OPTIMISM AND DO NOT QUESTION IT, LONGHORN FANS.

--All three of us come to the realization that Washington State has become something reliable in the Pac-12. The definition of reliable, it turns out, is flexible beyond all utility.

--We finish with Ohio State, the team that somehow still has a J.T. Barrett on the schedule and pulls next to nothing out of the Big Ten's other division in lining up what looks like a ten-win rebuilding season that will leave very few people happy. Don't ever let your football team become good enough that ten wins satisfies no one.

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SO after last week's debacle where our readers accidentally selected the worst slate of teams possible to preview for 2016, we took matters into our own hands. This week we preview five teams that could not only be very good this year, but who could also theoretically win things and be fun to watch and stuff.

Also, Jason is not broadcasting from the middle of a driving rainstorm this week. He's in a car, which sounds way better than you expect it to, really.

Topics:

-- How Spencer got a forty dollar go-cup, and why it's effectively worthless

-- Speaking of things staying cold for extended periods of time: TENNESSEE FOOTBALL, PREVIEWED. Did you know the only interesting game the play after mid-October is against Will Muschamp, the ultimate obstruction? Isn't that potentially hilarious, especially now that he doesn't coach Florida? That's potentially hilarious.

-- Ryan calls for Michigan to go 12-0 and it seems fairly reasonable? Particularly with their schedule, a spread so luxurious that it features a bye week before playing Illinois.

-- Virginia Tech will have offense and defense at the same time, allegedly, per reports, hypothetically, maybe. It's different now, and we'll all have to watch Bud Foster look real confused as his team scores unheard of "points" without intercepting the ball or forcing fumbles.

-- Arizona! They're definitely a team that will play this year? (We did very little research on Arizona before working with them, much like Rich Rodriguez did.)

-- Washington could be very good this year if they do not do the thing a lot of Pac-12 teams do in dropping the weirdest conference games imaginable. Washington is a Pac-12 team. They will probably drop a weird conference game.

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SO that whole thing where Ryan assigned random numbers to teams and had readers select our previewed squads by those numbers? It flopped a handful of unsuited garbage this week, as the randomness called forth pure Lovecraftian horror. (Spoiler: Lovecraftian horror in football terms equals not one, but TWO BOTTOM-DWELLING ACC TEAMS IN ONE PREVIEW.)

We'd apologize, but y'all opened this hellmouth, not us. Topics covered and cringed through include:

--Syracuse, you did something good! It feels just as weird for us as it does for you. Listen as we somehow talk our way into thinking this might be a bowl team.

--A devil's bargain engineered by Ryan where both Jason and ourselves choose to go on a roadtrip around America's least glamorous corridor rather than go to West Lafayette, Indiana, ever.

--We could talk about Wake Forest or we could talk about how Jason is literally walking back and forth between the inside of his house and a roaring late spring thunderstorm like THAT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ON A PODCAST

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The non-preview preview editions of the Shutdown Fullcast continue into...well, into some dark territory. Let's be honest and just say that we talk about Pitt and Rutgers NO WAIT WE COME BACK WE TALK ABOUT OTHER SHIT WE PROMISE---

Things like:

--Hey did you remember that Mark Richt is the head coach at Miami, and he gets to work with Brad Kaaya, and that could be really cool since they're both pretty good at their complimentary jobs? And that Miami plays Appalachian State this year? In Boone, North Carolina?

--More talk about Pitt football than anyone's had since 2007 when the greatest thing ever happened to Pitt which was just ruining a rival's best shot at a national title which is a negative positive but we are talking about Pitt so they'll take it

--Two minutes of Rutgers talk that no one wants to hear so just skip it

--We realize that Wisconsin, after years of missing the swinging hammer of a rotating schedule, takes a full-force shot to the face this year by basically playing every real good team in the Big Ten in one season

--Stanford! The team with the best and coldest player in the nation, even if you don't know who is handing the ball off to him this year. (Probably someone named Keller Chryst, but you could have guessed that or some other name like that.)

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SHUTDOWN FULLCAST BACK. This time we continue our preview series with a random selection of schools best described as...well, very, very random indeed.

Topics and teams covered:

--Charlie Weis STILL GETS PAID DOLLAZ BY NOTRE DAME. He last coached for them in 2009. You can laugh about this, because the goal is to pull off a Charlie Weis as hard as you can in life and get paid too much money to do things you demonstrably cannot do.

--How Oregon football 2016 is still best described as "waiting to see if Mark Helfrich can really do his job, because the Ducks are so talented it's hard to tell whether they're about to implode or not". Also remember how they lost to Utah by 42 at home this year? And hired Brady Hoke to fix their defensive problems?

--A leisurely stroll through Utah football's prospects, including an appreciation of how damn long Kyle Whittingham has been in Salt Lake City, and how often he's worked out there. (Every day, and never, ever skipping bicep day.)

--Kansas is still playing football! And will probably lose eleven straight games this year. :(

--Minnesota is also still playing football! Big, ponderous, ice-cream fat football we think will win like, five games or so.

--The internet's most extensive and thorough Notre Dame preview!

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