Today, I've invited Jessica Koosed Etting onto the podcast for a conversation about family life, the mental load on moms, and how we can make things a little bit simpler and easier. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why motherhood feels so overwhelming (it’s not just you!)
• Why your own parents might not be able to relate to your mental load
• How to reduce your mental load, involve your family, and feel more calm

While perfection is impossible, there are ways to be more proactive and organized, so that we feel a little less pressure, stress, and overwhelm.

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Jessica Koosed Etting is the co-founder and CEO of Jam, a pioneering family calendar app designed to dismantle mental load and make family life more efficient and equitable. She’s also a mom of 3 boys, ages 10-14. 

 

The Mental Load on Moms

You know the scenario… You drive your kid to soccer (or whatever activity you’re going to) and get there only to realize they’re missing some important piece of gear or equipment. You get frustrated with yourself, your partner, or your kid, and you dump your emotions on them (i.e. yelling, arguing, blaming). Then, you get out of the car and pretend like everything’s fine, even though you know it was just a total shitshow. There’s this bit of shame or embarrassment that you forgot something, that you made a mistake. 

As moms, there is a LOT coming at us - appointments, kids’ activities, assignments, shopping lists, to-dos, and all the expectations that come with them.

In the digital age of parenting, information comes at you constantly from a ton of different sources. You’re getting emails (maybe from multiple schools), notifications from WhatsApp or other group messaging apps, text messages, and trying to keep it all straight. And because people are so connected, plans can be changed very quickly (and often!).

It’s easy to look around and think that something’s wrong with you because you can’t seem to hold it all together. But it’s not just you. You’re not going crazy, and you’re not just a hot mess. 

Motherhood is overwhelming. Information keeps coming at us, faster than we can process it. And we put so much pressure on ourselves to get it all right, all the time (aka perfectionism). 

In case you aren’t familiar with the term mental load, it’s basically that ticker tape that’s constantly running through your head. It’s all the schedules, to-do lists, the things that everybody needs. The “what’s next?” that never seems to end. You’re carrying all the things that keep your family running inside your own brain.

Jessica shares that, according to research, moms typically carry 90% more of this mental load than their male partners. It takes its toll, leading to stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout. 

And it affects our relationships, too. You can’t be truly present with your kids, partner, or friends when your brain is constantly working. It’s like you can never turn it off and recharge. Plus, when you’re feeling stressed and anxious, you’re more likely to snap at the people you love. 

In short, you get dysregulated. You can’t find that calm, connected place.

 

Simplifying Family Life

As we talk about strategies to manage complex family life, keep in mind that a little grace and compassion for yourself goes a really long way, too.

While perfection is impossible, there are ways to be more proactive and organized, so that we feel a little less of that pressure, stress, and overwhelm.

Jessica and her sister, Amanda, created the Jam app to help with managing the mental load in a few ways:

 

Take the information out of your brain

Keeping track of everything in your brain is a sure-fire way to feel like a failure.

Jessica tells us how she used to lay down in bed at night and immediately start running through all the things that had to happen the next day. Sound familiar? In an attempt to calm her mind, she’d grab her phone and email herself reminders. But then she woke up the next morning to a series of emails that no longer made sense. 

Sure, you can remember that there’s a dance recital Friday night, but what about all the little things that need to happen in order to be ready for it? You need a reliable place to store information and details.

 

Create space to relax

When you’re trying to remember it all, you can get into a constant state of vigilance. It becomes a habit of stress and makes it nearly impossible for you to relax.

When you have a place to put that information, you can start to shift the stress habit by reminding yourself, “Yes, I already thought about this. I know where it is. I won’t forget.” You’re more able to relax in the present because you’ve got the future handled. As you practice this, you’ll learn to trust yourself more.

 

Share the load

While creating Jam, Jessica and her sister also talked to a lot of husbands and male partners. And they learned that they’re not happy with the way things are going, either. They often felt like they didn’t have all of the information and were operating blindly. They wanted to be more aware and involved with what is going on in their family.

When you have a shared system that the whole family can access, it allows you to share more of the responsibility. When you can see how many tasks are assigned to each person, it becomes obvious when you need to redistribute to make things more fair or sustainable. 

This not only benefits you, but your kids also have more insight into what’s coming up in their own lives (think kids’ birthday parties, school spirit days, etc.). Kids can feel stressed when they don’t know what to expect, and their stress usually becomes your stress. Plus, your children learn responsibility and feel empowered when they have more ownership over their schedule and activities.

You can even include caregivers, grandparents, and other relatives in the app if you have people who are regularly helping out with your family. 

 

The Jam App: Your New Secret Weapon

At the time they created the Jam app, Jessica and Amanda were raising 5 kids between the two of them - from baby to teen. Even though they both had great husbands who wanted to be involved in family life, they still found themselves as the chief receivers and disseminators of family information. And they were drowning in it.

They were both used to using project management tools in their work environments and wondered if there was a way to support families in the same way. 

Jam is like the digital version of a huge kitchen whiteboard. It has all the information, but you can access it from anywhere (and you don’t have to write it all out by hand). Jam is more than a calendar - it’s a whole system. 

You can even forward email to Jam so that it automatically suggests events for your calendar, along with information you might need about location, what to bring, how to prepare, etc. This is a game-changer for families with school-age kids.

Huge thanks to Jessica for sharing her insights and solutions with us, and joining the conversation about how we can reduce unrealistic expectations and pressure on moms. 

 

You’ll Learn:

• Why motherhood feels so overwhelming (it’s not just you!)
• Why your own parents might not be able to relate to your mental load
• How to reduce your mental load, involve your family, and feel more calm

 

Connect with Jessica:

• Try the Jam Family Calendar app 
• Follow along on Instagram @jamfamilycalendar

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes