The Fearless Fostering Podcast

You know the moment.

The one where your child is screaming so loud the neighbors can probably hear. The one where they’ve thrown every shoe in the hallway and now they’re on the floor, kicking the wall, and you’re standing there with your heart pounding and your jaw clenched and a voice in your head saying please don’t let me mess this up.

Maybe it’s a meltdown over something that seems small. A food they didn’t want touching on the plate. A transition they weren’t ready for. A “no” that hit a wound you didn’t even know was there.

And you want to be calm. You really do. You’ve read the books. You’ve listened to the podcasts. You know that regulation starts with you. But knowing that and living it when your child is in full fight-or-flight mode are two very different things.

So let’s talk about what it actually looks like to stay calm when your child can’t. Not the Pinterest version. The real one.

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You’re reading this because something resonated. Maybe it was the title. Maybe it was the quiet, persistent ache in your chest that won’t go away no matter how many times you tell yourself you’re fine.

Foster mama, I see you.

I see you carrying the weight of a system that wasn’t designed with you in mind. I see you holding grief that doesn’t belong to you, outcomes you cannot control, and decisions made by people who have never sat in your living room while a child fell apart. I see you wondering if the heaviness you feel means you’re doing something wrong.

It doesn’t. But we need to talk about it.

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On today’s episode of the Fearless Fostering Podcast, I’m sharing a little encouragement for mamas who feel like they ALWAYS have to be the calm one (and beat themselves up when they’re not). 

You’re not alone! 🩵

Find my $1 coping class for foster mamas here: stan.store/fearless_fostering 

I'm so excited to share this episode with you!  I'm chatting with Laura, the Foster Parent Partner, aka @foster.parenting on Instagram.  Laura has been an amazing resource for foster parents at all stages of the journey for many years through the content she creates on Instagram, TikTok, and Youtube.  And now she's just published a book called First Time Fostering: A Practical Guide for Supporting Kids in Foster Care.

I can't wait for you to hear all the insight and wisdom she shares in this episode.

You can order your copy of First Time Fostering here.

Connect with Laura on IG here.

Find all of my resources and supports for foster and adoptive families here.

It’s 2 a.m.

The house is finally quiet. Everyone’s asleep. You should be asleep.

But instead, you’re lying in the dark, replaying that moment from earlier today. Or yesterday. Or last week. Or maybe even months ago.

The thing you said during the meltdown. The way your voice got sharp when you were already running on empty. The look on their face when you snapped. The call with the caseworker where you didn’t advocate hard enough. The court hearing where you froze and forgot everything you wanted to say.

You keep rewinding. Replaying. Analyzing every word, every pause, every reaction.

If only I had said it differently.

If only I had stayed calm.

If only I had done more.

And then the shame spiral kicks in: What kind of foster mom does that? They’ve already been through so much. They needed me to be steady. And I wasn’t.

If this is you — if you’ve spent more nights than you can count mentally replaying moments you wish you could take back — I need you to hear something.

You’re not broken. You’re not failing. And you’re definitely not alone.

What you’re experiencing has a name. And more importantly, there’s a way through it.

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No one told me that foster care would require me to hold space for people I’d never met – people whose choices I didn’t understand, whose lives looked nothing like mine, and whose connection to my child would always run deeper than biology alone could explain.

If you’re listening to this, you probably already know what I mean.

You’ve sat in the car after a visit, watching your child’s behavior shift in ways that take hours – sometimes days – to settle. You’ve answered questions you weren’t prepared for. You’ve felt the weight of being expected to support reunification while simultaneously falling in love with a child you might have to say goodbye to.

This is one of the hardest parts of foster care. And it’s the part almost no one prepares you for.

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I remember sitting in the foster parent training before our first placement, imagining the story ahead of us.

I had a version of it in my head — hazy around the details, but clear in shape. A child would come. We would love them fiercely. There would be hard moments, sure, but we’d rise to meet them. And eventually, whether through reunification or adoption, there would be resolution. A chapter that closed with something that felt complete.

That’s not how it went.

I imagine you might be nodding right now. Because if you’ve been in the foster care world for more than five minutes, you know: the story rarely goes how you thought it would.

Maybe you imagined reunification would feel more peaceful. Maybe you imagined the adoption would feel like pure celebration, instead of grief mixed with joy. Maybe you imagined you’d have more time, more clarity, more certainty. Maybe you imagined you wouldn’t still be carrying this weight years later.

This episode is for you — for all of us — who are living in the gap between what we imagined and what actually happened.

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Becoming a foster parent had crossed my mind more times than I could count. But every time it did, I found a reason to push it off.

Not now. Maybe later. When things settle down.

For years, I lived in that space between feeling called and actually saying yes. And if I’m being honest, I was really good at making excuses sound reasonable.

If you’re reading this and you recognize that tension — the quiet tug toward fostering mixed with a dozen reasons why now isn’t the right time — I want you to know you’re not alone. I was exactly where you are. And I want to share the excuses I made, because I think you might see yourself in them.

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There’s a question nobody asks foster parents out loud, but we all feel it hanging in the air.

Are you going to quit?

People watch us. They watch for the cracks. They watch for the moment we throw our hands up and say we’re done. And honestly? I understand why they watch. Foster care is hard in ways that are nearly impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t lived it.

But here’s the truth I rarely hear anyone say:

I never once thought about quitting. Not once. But I absolutely questioned how much more I could take.

And I think that distinction matters more than most people realize.

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There are moments in foster care that no training prepares you for.

The phone call from your caseworker. The quiet conversation at the kitchen table. The look on a child’s face when they learn that someone they love—someone from their first family—is gone.

A foster mom in my community recently reached out to me with this exact situation, and it reminded me how isolating these moments can feel. You’re navigating something incredibly heavy, often without a roadmap, and wondering if you’re doing it right.

I want to share some guidance that I’ve gathered from fellow foster parents, trauma-informed resources, and conversations with families who have walked this road. Not as someone who has all the answers, but as someone who believes we’re better when we learn together.

If you’re facing this right now, take a breath. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to show up.

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