Chris and Billy Jo are two podcast listeners who won a chance to be interviewed and laser coached by me on the podcast. As you listen, pay close attention to their dynamic, their openness to feedback and most importantly a commitment to growing individually and as a couple. If you got value from this episode format, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group and I’ll do more!

SHOWNOTES

• How did Chris & Billiejo meet and how long have they been together? [8:00]
• When did they know it was the right time to tell the kids about their relationship? [11:15]
• Their advice for couples on how to introduce your kids to your new dating partner? [13:30]
• How has The Smart Couple Podcast helped Chris & Billiejo in their relationship? [15:30]
• The big lesson that Billiejo learned from a big fight with Chris [19:00]
• Jayson gives his laser coaching on how to move beyond their repeating patterns. [20:15]
• The best reframe to heal from blame and resentment with an ex. [24:00]
• What to do to move beyond infidelity. [28:30]
• Jayson gives an action step to heal and process blame. [34:00]

Codependency gets a bad rap. Parenting your partner? Who wants be married to their mom or dad? But there’s more to the story here. And lots of gold if you’re willing to reframe and play the “attachment” game in your primary relationship. My wife Ellen joins me again with her attachment knowledge and personal experience on how to track and parent your partner. We give some personal examples from our marriage as well.

SHOWNOTES

• Why do people freak out when they hear the idea of “parenting your partner” or “co-dependency”? [13:30]
• What is attachment in a relationship? [18:00]
• The huge benefit of using the lens of attachment in a relationship. [20:30]
• What does it mean to parent your partner? [21:45]
• Track my partner? What does that even mean? [23:45]
• The “secure home base” and how it can be a great barometer of the relationship. [25:30]
• The physiological cost of not giving attention to your primary relationship. [27:45]
• 3 action steps you can take today to improve your relationship. [29:30]
• Jayson’s action step for the listener. [36:30]
• Leave your comments in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group

Most of us have no idea how damaging relational stress can be. In this episode, legendary medical doctor and psycho-physio-spiritual trailblazer Dr. Gabor Maté brings some very grounded, practical examples of how relationship stress can impact our lives. The result of stress can be seen throughout the web of our life and it’s up to us to learn how to relate and attach well to our fellow humans. I love how this man turns such complicated topics into common sense. If you want a deeper cut about your marriage, children, or any stressful relationship, this episode is a must listen.

SHOWNOTES

• Why we’re evolutionarily wired to get high off of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. [2:30]
• What happens when Gabor’s wife forgets to pick him up at the airport. [13:30]
• How our partners are perfectly suited to help us grow. [15:35]
• What happened in Gabor’s childhood that makes his wife a perfect match for him now. [18:00]
• The long-term cost of not dealing with stress. [20:00]
• How parents can be compromised by raising their children. [22:30]
• The link between our relationship health and our physical and mental health. [24:30]
• What’s the best way to deal with our own relational and attachment issues? [34:00]
• Why relational healing modalities are so effective. [38:00]
• What we can learn from pygmy cultures about parenting and relationships. [40:30]
• How relationship can most effectively be taught to children. [42:00]
• The effect of Facebook and Internet on kids. [46:00]
• Jayson gives an action step [50:30]

Fighting, arguing, and disagreeing are essential in a relationship, But it’s critical to know how. Here’s a short episode to help you understand how to calm down so you don’t do or say something you’ll later regret.

SHOWNOTES

• Why Jayson doesn’t recommend long-term relationship for everyone. [1:45]
• Why do some couples that use one single email account? Share your thoughts in the private Facebook group [6:15]
• The likely reason you struggle with conflict in your relationship. [9:30]
• What defines a fight? [15:00]
• The 5 steps [15:45]
• You must have this ingredient whenever you do a “time-out” during a fight. [17:30]
• The sure-fire recipe for divorce and breakups. [24:00]
• Jayson’s two powerful action steps for this episode. [28:00]

In this Q&A episode, there were so many great questions. See the show notes below for a detailed line-up.

SHOWNOTES

• How can I train myself to not go to an extreme dark place when I’m triggered by my partner? [4:30]
• A tool for calming yourself down. [6:00]
• What’s the best way to balance individual freedom in a relationship to avoid power struggles?  [6:45]
• How to know when to stay in a relationship and when to leave? [9:30]
• Why is my husband not desiring me and initiating physical intimacy and passion? [11:45]
• My boyfriend surfs porn, a LOT. Is this normal? Should I break up with him? [17:30]
• Should I move back in with my ex? How do I know if he’s forgiving me? [22:00]
• My partner says he’s not sure if he still has feelings for his ex. What should I do? [25:00]
• My old boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for eight years, currently off for a year. What’s the best way to get back together? [27:45]
• The best way to date someone with a mental illness? When do you know if the struggle is too much if they’re not doing the work to get better? [29:45]
• Someone challenges Jayson on saying “I’m sorry.” [32:15]
• How do I get my boyfriend to communicate more often and more openly? [34:15]
• What’s the best way to apply your communication tools with children? Is it the same as with a romantic partner? [35:15]
• What do you think about when someone says “I’m sorry you feel that way”? [38:15]
• Should our partner be our “best friend”? [39:30]
• How do I navigate my fear of enmeshment with my partner’s fear of abandonment? [40:15]
• Jayson’s powerful action step for this episode. [43:00]

Did I interview Yoda or just world renowned human behavior specialist Dr. John Demartini? Okay, buckle your seat belt for this one and be prepared to have some of your paradigms twisted and your feathers ruffled. I could have grilled this guy for hours, but I kept it to one hour to respect his time. Be sure to listen to this one twice and take notes.  From no one being committed to you, to the fact that everyone is dishonest, I’m sure this episode will confront and serve you in many helpful ways. Enjoy!

SHOWNOTES

• The one statement Dr. Demartini said that rocked Jayson’s world.  [7:45]
• How infatuation is an insight to ourselves. [10:30]
• Dr. Demartini’s relationship status? [11:30]
• Do long-distance relationships work? [12:30]
• How to be true to yourself in relationships. [15:45]
• Dr. Demartini’s date with a 95 year-old lady. [23:00]
• How our values powerfully influence our lives. [24:45]
• What about when two partners have opposite values? [27:00]
• What’s the link between health, stress and values? [32:30]
• What happens if we run from challenge? [35:00]
• How to deal with someone who is lying to you. [43:15]
• What about sexual polarity and passion in relationships?  [45:15]
• Is quantum entanglement a real phenomenon? [49:00]
• Why do we tend to attract partners who mimic our parents? [55:45]
• If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, do you need to heal through relationship? [58:30]

There are two kinds of expectations in a long-term relationship. Knowing the difference can help you sink or swim in your partnership. See if you can get honest about your expectations of yourself and your partner in this episode.

SHOWNOTES

• The two kinds of expectations [5:45]
• Why laying a trip on someone doesn’t work in a partnership [9:30]
• Why trying to force someone to change never works. [11:45]
• Monogamy as an example of how to set an expectation. [13:45]
• Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [17:15]

Saying “I’m sorry” is one way to try to repair after a relationship challenge, but it’s exceptionally limited. Not learning a new way to repair is like driving your car without tires. It works and can even get you places, but you’ll go so much further if you learn this one. Roll up your sleeves as I have a good challenge for you in this episode.

SHOWNOTES

• Why regular apologies are weak. [9:00]
• What you need to do instead of just saying “I’m sorry.” [13:45]
• A perspective that will empower you when you’re triggered by your partner. [16:00]
• The secret to apologizing like a pro. [17:30]
• Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [21:30]

Relationships get hard. But how do you know when hard is too freakin’ hard? And, what do you do about it? In this episode my wife and I explore a very common complaint about long-term relationships, especially after the initial honeymoon phase wears off. Are you making your relationship hard or are you making it easy? Believe it or not, you are in the driver’s seat on this.

SHOWNOTES

• How do you know when your relationship is too hard? [5:30]
• The decision Jayson made that was crucial to his relationship. [15:00]
• Does Ellen ever feel that motherhood is too hard? [17:00]
• The perspective that matters most in a relationship [18:45]
• How to work through conflict in a relationship? [20:15]
• What about working through conflict on your own, without your partner or community? [22:30]
• Why it’s not wise to “pick your battles”? [26:45]
• Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group

Your relationship questions are answered in this episode. We cover a lot of ground. One theme is how to deal with “value” differences in an intimate relationship. This one is really good because it can tear a relationship apart trying to fit each other into your respective boxes of how you prefer they be.

SHOWNOTES

• How long to wait for your partner to blend your families and get married? [7:15]
• How can partners adapt in a relationship when one partner has a chronic illness? [11:45]
• Why do men lie? [14:00]
• What’s the reason our relationship improves when my man hangs out with this guy friends? [17:30]
• How to tell your guy about erectile dysfunction without making it worse? [20:00]
• What skills are best to use when you’re highly triggered and avoid an argument? [21:45]
• How to keep childhood issues from breaking up your relationship? [23:45]
• How do you know when to take 100% responsibility and when to leave a partner who is not willing to do the work? [26:00]
• What if your ex is creating challenges for me to blend families with my new partner? [30:00]
• When you have different values, what’s the best way to deal with that? [33:30]
• Does it make sense to avoid dating men whose taxi light isn’t on, like Miranda said in Sex & The City?
• What about when partners have opposite views on how to handle money in a relationship? [40:45]
• Long-distance relationships: how do I get my man to show me that he’s emotionally ready to commit? [42:45]
• What should a woman do with her kids when their dad just walks out? [44:15]
• How to deal with a man who is emotionally unavailable? [46:45]
• Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group