The Look & Sound of Leadership

Two leaders in a long-running feud both want the fighting to stop but cannot find their way to peace. Their coach gives them each homework to quiet the ill intent they ascribe to the other, allowing respect to emerge.

It’s hard to stop fighting with a person who feels like sour milk.

Tom’s three steps to help stop a fight are:

1. Self-awareness – how are you contributing to keeping the fight going
2. Choose a different mindset – stop justifying your anger
3. Self-Management – choose new behavior
   
   

If you want to work on SELF-AWARENESS, you might listen to:

# 204 Blind Spots

# 209 How to Build Self-Awareness

# 103 Self-Awareness & Self-Management

# 190 Thinking Errors

If you want to more tools to STOP FIGHTING, you might listen to:

# 221 Conflict

# 222 The Conflict Conversation

# 235 The Conflict Resolution Wheel

# 189 “Don’t Take Anything Personally”

# 260 How to Guarantee Psychological Safety

If you’re curious about coaching, reach out to Tom here.

Our monthly email always has additional resources. 

A transcript of the episode is here.

It’s always wonderful to hear from you. Thanks for being such a great audience. 

Everyone here at The Look & Sound of Leadership is enormously grateful for you!

Until next month, be well! 

A highly effective leader finds herself in the middle of a terrible mess, not of her own making. When her coach marvels at her ability to stay calm amidst the chaos, she shares a lesson she learned from her dad.

Tools and concepts in this episode:

“People are doing their best” embodies acceptance, and acceptance creates better outcomes.

Quiet cycles of doubt by:

1. Clarify what exactly are you upset about;
2. Identify what you feel about having those feelings;
3. Decide what action you want to take.

Listen to the stories you tell yourself. If you hear villains and victims, are most likely ascribing bad intent. Don’t make up stories that create adversaries.

In addition to the tools discussed during this episode, Tom also talks about:

“Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

Conversations with Coaches – Episode #184

Executive Coaching Special Interest Group

The Feeling Word Grid

This episode is tagged in three categories in the Podcast Library:

Managing Yourself

Perception – How You Perceive Yourself

Self-Talk

Five episodes to help you command a room:

109 - Building Emotional Intelligence

246 - Coaching versus Therapy

152 - Combating Emotional Hijacks

189 - “Don’t Take Anything Personally”

263 - Leading When Ego at the Top is Unchecked

All our free infographics are in the Essential Tools bin.

Your reviews supporting the show help us continue as an ad-free podcast. 

Let us know how we can support you.

Until next month, be well!

Thanks from Tom and The Look & Sound of Leadership team. 

A chief officer reflects on the burdens of senior leadership. While grateful for its privileges, he’s keenly aware his title can put up barriers between himself and others. 

Typical burdens of leadership:

• People put up barriers because of your power;
• You are a public figure and will get judged, often harshly;
• You are always on display;
• Feeling entitled because of your heavy lifting.

Tom suggests three tips to help you manage your power:

1. Get conscious about your power;
2. Share selectively;
3. Be humble.

Resources for humilty:

Humility as Strength

Humble Inquiry

If you’re like Michelle and feel yourself being star struck in the face of corporate celebrity, these episodes might help:

252 - How to Build Self-Esteem

219 - How to Set Boundaries

241 - Conquering People Pleasing

JOIN US FOR DINNER!

Tuesday, September 1, 2026, Irvine, California.

Join Tom and Coaching for Leaders host Dave Stachowiak for a lively gathering. 

Find out more and reserve your space here.

Got questions? Shoot Tom an email here.

Sign up for our monthly resources here. 

Want to explore Leadership & Power?

Related Library Categories:

Leadership

Managing Yourself

Perception – How You’re Perceived

Related Episodes

189 - “Don’t Take Anything Personally” 

128 - The Honorable Executive

252 - How to Build Self-Esteem

210 - How to Grow Your Self-Management

231 - Staying Afloat in a Shitstorm

A transcript of this month’s episode is here. 

Thanks for being in touch!

All of us here at The Look & Sound of Leadership are grateful for you! 

With her company on the brink of disaster, a leader hungrily tackles the art of delegation, learning three models on the way. 

The episode frames delegation as being primarily about getting your people ready.

To get people ready, screen each delegated task against three filters:

1. Skills & Will – do people need training or coaching?
2. Control – who has it and how much?
3. Measurement – what is each person’s responsibility?

Our latest Tool has all three filters. Download it for free here. 

Want to strengthen your ability to talk with people about their growth and development? Listen to these episodes:

#262 – How to Grow Your People – December 2025

#212 – How to Coach Your People – October 2021

#132 – Coaching Your People – April 2015

Ready to try the Responsibility Charting exercise with your team?

Listen to the episode here.  

Download the Charting tool here.     

Curious about coaching? Reach out to Tom here.

Our monthly email always has additional resources. 

Related Library Categories:

Leadership

Management Skills

Communication Skills

Related Episodes

132 - Coaching Your People

119 - Creating Devoted Followers

254 How to Talk so People Understand You 

155 - The Human Element

123 - Leadership Through Delegation

A transcript of the episode is here. 

We love hearing from you. You are the BEST AUDIENCE! 

The whole The Look & Sound of Leadership crew are grateful for you! 

A chief officer finds himself repeatedly triggered by a peer. Afraid he’s going to say or do something he’ll regret, he asks his coach for tools.

Three categories of self-regulation tools:

1. Physical
2. Internal
3. External

A visual tool with specific tools in each category is in our Tool bin. 

Ready for coaching? Reach out to Tom here.

There are always more resources in our monthly email. 

Hear Tom’s most recent conversation on the Beyond Potential podcast here. 

Related Library Categories:

Managing Yourself

Perception – How You Perceive Yourself

Self-Talk

Related Episodes

216 - 7 Steps to Stop Emotional Hijacks

109 - Building Emotional Intelligence

22 - Negative Self-Talk

171 - Taming the Wild Child – one of my favorites

96 - The Many Parts of You

A transcript of the episode is here. 

Thanks for your engagement. We love hearing from you. You all are great! 

All of us at The Look & Sound of Leadership, are grateful for you! 

A brilliant but rather shy leader is challenged by her management to be bigger, more executive, speak up more. She is grateful to work with a coach.

You can build muscle around getting your voice heard by creating homework for yourself. Think of it like going to the gym: working out regularly helps you build muscle.
 
 When creating homework, ask yourself three questions:

1. What am I going to pay attention to?
2. What specific behavior am I going to start or stop?
3. How will I measure success? (5% improvement)

During the episode, Tom gave Neela four pieces of homework to help her get her voice heard:

1. Count the number of times you have an idea and choose not to say it out loud;
2. Listen for your self-limiting beliefs. Look for patterns that trigger them. Who are you with? What’s the setting?
3. In meetings, speak in the first ten minutes;
4. In meetings, get your name “on the record” with regularity.

Curious about coaching? Reach out to Tom here.

There are always more resources in our monthly email. 

Related Library Categories:

Developing New Behaviors

Executive Presence

For Women

Related Episodes

• 211 - How to Show Up
• 153 - Inhabiting Executive Presence 
• 69 - Leadership and Self-Deception
• 103 - Self-Awareness & Self-Management
• 154 - Self-Limiting Beliefs

A transcript of the episode is here. 

Thanks for subscribing to the show. And thank you so much for your reviews. You’re the best!

From all of us here at The Look & Sound of Leadership, we are grateful for you! 

Tom interviews Dr. Lois Frankel about women in the workplace and other ideas in the just-published third edition of Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office. 

Listen to the full, unedited conversation here.

Get the “Nice Girls” book, here.

If you’re curious about a chemistry call, pop Tom an email.

There are always more resources in our monthly email. 

COACHES!

You are always welcome at the Executive Coaching Special Interest Group sponsored by ICF Los Angeles. Reach out to me if you want to know more. We’d love to have you. You’ll get CCE’s, too! 

Related Library Categories:

• For Women
• Perception – How You Perceive Yourself
• Leadership

Related Episodes

• 246Coaching versus Therapy
• 221Conflict
• 241 Conquering People Pleasing
• 222The Conflict Conversation
• 237Leading with Political Savvy – Part One

A transcript of the episode is here.

Thanks again for subscribing. And your reviews. You’re the best!

From all of us here at The Look & Sound of Leadership, thanks for being such a great audience! 

Before testifying in a high-stakes case, a theorist and his coach swap horror stories about their nerves hijacking them and the lessons they learned.

Tom’s top four idea for conquering nervousness:

• Write happy endings
• Celebrate incremental improvement
• Externalize your nasty voice
• Ignore your nerves

Applying these techniques using our free PDF about mastering nerves. 

The clip of Emma Stone battling her anxiety before a global audience is here.

Each month, we share additional tools in our monthly email. 

If you’d like to explore Private Coaching with Tom, reach out to him at: [email protected].

COACHES!

Come join us at the Executive Coaching Special Interest Group sponsored by ICF Los Angeles. You’ll get CCE’s, too!

Related Library Categories:

• Managing Yourself
• Nervousness
• Self-Talk

Related Episodes:

• 71 - Act “As If”
• 62 - Choosing Persistence
• 147 - Conquering Fear
• 178 - The Executive Impostor
• 12 - Managing Nervousness

Grab a free transcript of the episode here.

We are so grateful for your reviews!

From all of us here at The Look & Sound of Leadership, thanks for being such a great audience! 

A leader is getting pressured to stop being so prickly and gain some humility. With her coach, she explores whether it’s even possible for humility to ever be a strength. 

Core concepts in this episode:

• Humility is confidence without defensiveness.
• Assess yourself on the humility scale. “How do I respond to challenges?”
• Humble leaders are confident in their authority.
• Ask frequently: “How might I be wrong about this?”
• Humility requires active listening.

Questions addressed in this episode:

> Are humble leaders perceived as weak?

Some people may see humble leaders as weak, but humble leaders are actually confident in their authority.

> If humble leaders need confidence, will they be seen as arrogant?

No, because humble leaders do not fight for dominance. They invite the opinions of others and are non-defensive when challenged.

> How can I tell whether I am humble?

Ask yourself, “When I am challenged, what feelings do I experience?” Leaders who respond non-defensively are high in humility.

> What practices can I adopt to develop more humility?

Ask yourself frequently: “How might I be wrong about this?"

> What are the benefits to being a humble leader?

Your team will experience psychological safety and move towards high performance.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Humbitious: The Power of Low-Ego, High-Drive Leadership by Amer Kaissi explores how to be both ambitious and humble. 

Links for coaches:

Join Tom and a community of coaches at the Executive Coaching Special Interest Group.

The Los Angeles Chapter of International Coach Federation offers countless opportunities for CCEs and community building.

If you’re in the L.A. area, join the ICF-LA March Chapter meeting. And be sure to say ‘hi’ to Tom! Register here.

Each month, we share additional tools in our monthly email. 

If you’d like to explore Private Coaching with Tom, reach out to him at: [email protected].

This episode is tagged in three categories in our podcast library:

Executive Presence

Leadership

Personal Growth & Self-Development

Related Episodes:

122 - Achieving Authenticity

146 - Building Empathy

248 - Building Listening 

260 - How to Guarantee Psychological Safety

232 - Unlocking Executive Presence through Emotional Intelligence

Thank you so much for your reviews!

From The Look & Sound of Leadership

A chief officer is infuriated by the behavior of his egomaniacal CEO. With his coach, he explores how to be a healthy leader while reporting to a boss he doesn’t respect.

Core concepts in this episode:

• Egomaniacs rattle our sense of self.
• They will not change.
• Worrying does not help.
• Be accountable for how you show up. Manage yourself.
• Don’t take anything personally. They’re just a piece on a chess board.
• Ask yourself: “Am I seeing this person clearly?” Don’t allow emotions to drive your actions.
• Ask yourself: “How do I want to show up?” You have choice about what you prioritize and how you react in the workplace.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Crucial Conversations provides scripts and thoughts that will help you manage yourself when dealing with difficult people. 

Tom and host Dave Stachowiak discussed “How to Handle a Boss Who’s a Jerk” on this episode of Coaching for Leaders. Great tools if you have a challenging boss.

Before sharing your reactions in the workplace, consider the politics around you. These two episodes will get you “Leading with Political Savvy” Parts 1 and 2.  

Each month, there are additional tools in our monthly email. 

If you’d like to explore Private Coaching, reach out to Tom. [email protected].

This episode is tagged in three categories in our podcast library:

Managing Yourself

Leadership

Perception – How You Perceive Others

RELATED EPISODES

239- 5 Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists

189 - “Don’t Take Anything Personally”

245- Giving Upward Feedback

114- Gravitas

133- The Narcissist Executive

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews!

Wishing you a year of growth and development! 

From The Look & Sound of Leadership team, thank you so much for listening.