Hosted by Dr. Sarah Hensley, Specialized Social Psychologist, Attachment Theory Expert, and Founder & CEO of The Dating Decoder with Co-host Raina Butcher, Owner/CEO of Joyful Consulting, LLC.
Welcome to "The Love Doc Podcast" where Host Dr. Sarah Hensley and her co-host Raina Butcher dive deep into the intricacies of love, attraction, attachment, relationships, and self-awareness. Dr. Hensley brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to help listeners navigate the complexities of modern romance. In each episode, Dr. Hensley tackles burning questions about love, relationships, and the mind’s complexities, drawing from her psychological research, real-life experiences, and her own individual expertise, to provide insightful perspectives and practical advice.
Episode 35: The Fearful Avoidant
In episode 35 of The Love Doc Podcast, Dr. Hensley dives deep into the world of the Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style, the most complex and variable of all attachment types. Known in earlier psychological frameworks as disorganized attachment, FAs oscillate between seeking closeness and pulling away, leaving both themselves and their partners in a cycle of confusion and pain.
What Makes the Fearful Avoidant Unique?
Dr. Hensley explains that FAs are the hardest attachment style to pinpoint because they embody traits from both anxious and avoidant types. Their deep inner conflict is rooted in a profound trust and betrayal wound, which makes it challenging for them to feel secure in relationships.
• The Push-Pull Dynamic: FAs often seek connection, craving closeness, but then feel misunderstood or betrayed and instinctively push their partner away. This paradox creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows in their romantic relationships.
Where Attachment Begins: The Childhood of an FA
Dr. Hensley traces the origins of FA attachment back to childhood, often shaped by the most trauma-filled environments. These traumas can include:
• Big T traumas (e.g., abuse, neglect, abandonment).
• Little T traumas (e.g., invalidation, inconsistency, emotional neglect).
She also emphasizes that FAs typically grow up with at least one emotionally dysfunctional caregiver, further complicating their ability to trust and feel safe.
The Role of Parents:
• Same-gender parent: Science suggests this parent leaves the deepest imprint on the child’s attachment patterns.
• Both parents: Combined, their behaviors create the template that teaches the FA that love is not safe, leading to deep-seated trust and betrayal wounds.
The Negative Traits of an FA
Dr. Hensley breaks down the challenging traits of FAs, especially how they manifest in adult romantic relationships:
1. Hypervigilance:
• FAs are highly attuned to subtle cues but often catastrophize them.
• This makes them extremely sensitive and easily triggered, as their deep wounds leave them vulnerable to perceived rejection or betrayal.
2. Trauma Responses:
• Anxious-leaning FAs tend to react with anger and heightened emotional reactivity.
• Avoidant-leaning FAs often dissociate, emotionally shutting down after feeling they’ve tried too hard for too long.
3. Negative Bias in Relationships:
• FAs often approach their romantic relationships with a belief that betrayal is inevitable, leading to high levels of criticism and difficulty repairing conflicts.
4. Poor Partner Choices:
• Subconscious patterns often lead FAs to pick emotionally unavailable or harmful partners, such as other FAs, dismissive avoidants, narcissists, or individuals struggling with substance abuse.
The Positive Traits of an FA
Despite their challenges, FAs possess incredible strengths, especially once they begin healing:
1. High Empathy:
• Their ability to deeply understand and feel for others allows them to create profound connections.
• Dr. Hensley cautions FAs to establish boundaries around their empathy to avoid co-dependency or self-abandonment.
2. High Emotional Intelligence (EQ):
• FAs are often exceptional in careers requiring deep emotional awareness and social skills, such as sales, law, or politics.
3. Depth and Connection:
• As deep feelers, healed FAs can foster rich, meaningful relationships that are both emotionally fulfilling and long-lasting.
Final Thoughts
Dr. Hensley concludes the episode by emphasizing that while FAs are complex and deeply wounded, their capacity for growth and transformation is unparalleled. They are true fighters, with a grit that comes only from thier deep feelings and high emotional IQ's. With healing and self-awareness, FAs can become some of the most empathetic, emotionally intelligent, and loving partners.
“Fearful Avoidants,” Dr. Hensley says, “are proof that beauty can emerge from brokenness. Their complexity is what makes them truly special.”
Tune in to hear more about how FAs can harness their strengths, heal their wounds, and build secure, lasting connections.
Tune in to "The Love Doc Podcast" every Tuesday morning for candid conversations, expert guidance, and a deeper understanding of love and relationships in the modern world. To see all of Dr. Hensley’s services please visit the links below and follow her on social media.
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