In this episode of The Open Bedroom Podcast, I welcome Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach, to discuss navigating mismatched libidos in relationships. We explore how libido fluctuates due to life circumstances, the shift from spontaneous to responsive desire, and the impact of stress and aging. Dr. Ash offers practical strategies like scheduling connection time, building an “intimacy bank,” and embracing non-sexual touch. Our conversation also covers self-pleasure, embodiment, and open relationships as options. I encourage listeners to communicate openly, release shame, and cultivate intimacy through compassion and intentionality.
Dr. Alison Ash shares personal updates, including new offerings for neurodivergent folks and her fertility journey.
Fertility, Hormones, and Intimacy (00:03:16)
Discussion on how fertility journeys, hormones, and aging impact intimacy and libido in relationships.
Introducing the Topic: Differing Libido (00:06:00)
Jen introduces the main topic: navigating differences in libido within relationships, with personal anecdotes.
Understanding Libido Fluctuations (00:06:57)
Dr. Ash explains that libido is not static, affected by physiological, situational, and contextual factors.
New Relationship Energy & Responsive Desire (00:08:34)
Exploration of how new relationship energy impacts desire, and the shift from spontaneous to responsive desire over time.
Cultivating Responsive Desire (00:10:30)
Discussion on tools and practices to cultivate responsive desire, especially in long-term relationships.
Aging, Attraction, and Sexuality (00:12:23)
Challenging cultural narratives about aging and sexual attractiveness, especially for women.
Creating Spaciousness for Intimacy (00:14:23)
Strategies for making time and space for intimacy, including rituals and sensory-based pleasure.
Scheduling Intimacy & The Intimacy Bank (00:18:22)
Advice on scheduling connection time and introducing the "intimacy bank" concept to build emotional and sexual connection.
Self-Responsibility & Erotic Blueprints (00:22:11)
The importance of self-care, understanding erotic blueprints, and meeting your own needs in relationships.
Sexual Scripts, Resentment, and Pleasure (00:24:36)
How societal scripts and having unwanted sex can lead to resentment and disconnection from pleasure.
Asexuality & Pleasure Spectrum (00:28:04)
Clarifying asexuality as an orientation and discussing the spectrum of sexual and sensory pleasure.
Erotic Blueprints & Love Languages (00:30:09)
Exploring different frameworks for understanding what turns people on and how to communicate desires.
Embodiment: What It Is and How to Practice (00:33:45)
Defining embodiment, its benefits, and practical exercises to become more embodied.
Medicines, Drugs, and Embodiment (00:38:07)
Discussion on the use of cannabis and other substances for embodiment, and their pros and cons.
Advice for Higher Libido Partners (00:41:09)
Tools and mindset shifts for higher libido partners, including self-pleasure and breaking the pressure/rejection cycle.
Physical Affection & Creativity in Intimacy (00:44:58)
Encouraging non-penetrative intimacy, rebuilding physical affection, and creative connection strategies.
Masturbation, Boundaries, and Inclusion (00:47:42)
Navigating boundaries around self-pleasure, reducing shame, and ways to include partners in the process.
Non-Monogamy as an Option (00:49:59)
Considering open relationships or non-monogamy for couples with mismatched libido, and the potential benefits.
Dr. Alison Ash's Website:
www.TurnON.love
Couples Retreat:
Sustainable Intimacy: Refuel Passion for Lasting Love
Online Course:
Sexual and Emotional Intimacy Skills
*Super early bird tickets are available now for $200-$400 off
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