Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

• The most common misconceptions about happiness.
• What social fitness is and how to exercise it.
• How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships.
• What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement.
• The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


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Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait!

I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book.

And here ‘s the second opportunity! Last fall, I was approached by a new app called Meomind. Their mission is to provide an online experience where users can hear sessions between real people and real therapists. What’s hoped is that you can hear very useful techniques and ideas from the therapists – and hear how the client is affected by seeing themselves from a different perspective. Yes, the clients are paid as are the therapists. And I was a little afraid it would be false-seeming. It is far from that. You can pick the topics you’re most interested in – and if you’ve ever wondered what being in therapy with me would be like – now you can find out! It has to be downloaded on an Android or Iphone. But again – it’s totally free – and you can find the two sessions I have on there now under that tab “New”.  I’ve loved being involved and hope you head over to Meomind. 

I have other ideas for this year and am filled with a new sense of purpose and drive. Thank you to all who have thought about me, prayed for me, and kept me in your heart! It has meant so very much.

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


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Ashley Stahl and I met when her book You Turn came out – and to prepare for her interview on SelfWork, not only did I read her book, I watched a couple of her TedTalks – yes she has two! And I thought her advice was solidly based on the importance of values in choosing a career.  I saw that she’d  established herself extremely well in the entrepreneurial world, giving career advice to many world wide – while at the same time, being very transparent and giving of herself. So I wanted to feature her and her work – so that SelfWork listeners could approach their professional lives more clearly.

Here's her actual bio:

Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, an international bestselling author, a Fortune 500 spokesperson, and expert on intuition, personal branding, and fulfillment.  Daymond John (Shark Tank, Fubu, NYT bestselling author) says Ashley’s bestseller, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career, is “the ultimate guide to discover your path in the workforce.”  Between her online courses, subscribers, and show “The You Turn Podcast,” (with 2M downloads), she’s been able to support clients in 78 countries in self-discovery, upgrading their confidence, and finding career fulfillment.

When I asked her to be a guest host, she energetically jumped right in – which was more than meaningful for me. And I loved listening to her episode! She’s going to share eleven what she calls “mindshifts” that have been vital for her to learn in 2022 and take now into 2023. Here’s a sneak peak into her list… she’s learned the difference between a “connection” and a true relationship – the first being highly seductive perhaps but the second holding within it security and consistency , which is so needed by us all. I’m honored she’s here – as I have been with all my guest hosts!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

2022 is coming to a close – and 2023 is on its way! So Happy New Year to all!

So today’s SelfWork episode turns the tables on me – as I’m being interviewed by Lewis Howes on his incredibly successful podcast, School of Greatness.

I listen almost every week to his interviews when I’m out walking, and learn so much from them. And since I was honored to be on (that story you can hear in last week’s episode…), I know what it feels like to talk with Lewis. He’s one of those people that can make you feel as if you’re the most interesting person he’s ever talked to – you know those kinds of people? He’s very approachable and even with all of his success, responded to my asking for him to be a guest host this month with a, “Let me see what my team can come up with.”

What you’re about to hear is the second half of my interview with him – as we continue to talk about what therapy is all about, and other issues that are common in mental health. His last question is one he asks every guest (of course, I’d listened to his other interviews but was still unprepared for this) – What are the three things that you’d want others to remember about you or what you’ve learned in life? That one was tough.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

I first met Lewis Howes in 2019, the year Perfectly Hidden Depression was published, as I was  a guest on his incredible podcast The School of Greatness. I was flabbergasted to be asked – listen to their own description of the show!  "Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author, 2x All-American athlete, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur. The School of Greatness shares inspiring interviews from the most successful people on the planet—world-renowned leaders in business, entertainment, sports, science, health, and literature—to inspire YOU to unlock your inner greatness and live your best life."

I’m certainly not one of the most successful people on the planet so how did I get on the show? One of his producers loved the book and asked me on. It was a tremendous experience. But the funny thing.. they were busy building a new studio for Lewis, so our interview took place in his kitchen, sunlight streaming into his breakfast room early in the morning. He didn’t feel well but I guess he knew I’d come all the way from Arkansas to be on – so he soldiered through. He was also kind enough to be on SW himself, talking about his early sexual abuse as a child and how that had impacted him for years. For all of his success, when I reached out to see if he could be a guest host this month (fully expecting “sorry I’m too busy”), he contacted another of his producers, Chris,  who took over. And he offered to provide my interview with Lewis from December of 2019. I was blown away! And then, there were Chris’ words.

"I first want to say that your interview on the show was actually one that deeply impacted me and how I view mental health so thank you for all the work you do in the world. I hope your upcoming surgery goes great!"

So on this episode of SelfWork, you’re going to listen in on the first half of my interview with Lewis Howes.

Vital Links! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I first met Kimberley as a guest on her incredible podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit, after the book Perfectly Hidden Depression came out. She's also been on SelfWork to discuss her own book The Self-Compassionate Workbook for OCD  and was an obvious pick to lead off these guest episodes. Why? Because she’s not only an expert at treating anxiety and I knew whatever she chose to talk about would be pragmatic and useful from the very moment you heard it – but she’s very caring, open, and organized.

When I listened to the episode you’re about to hear, I found myself much more calm at the end than when I’d begun listening!  You’ll learn fun facts, like having the strong urge to poop when you’re anxious is quite normal, as well as seven hard-earned but unbeatable steps to help you intervene with your response to anxiety. The point is not to stop anxiety. It’s to become aware of your own very unique response to it and choose what Kimberley calls “a values-based response to your anxiety” and to “ride its wave.” Not easy to do. But she’s also known for her oft-stated mantra, “Today is a beautiful day to do a hard thing.” Now that’s a fabulous mantra for anyone, but especially for those of us struggling with depression and/or anxiety.

You can find her through her book, her website where you can find treatment options for many types of anxiety, and her podcast Your Anxiety Toolkit! But she also is founder of the CBTschool.com, an online psycho-education platform that provides online courses for those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today, I'll be answering three listener questions about how to make successful transitions with their moms or mothers-in-law. And I chose them because they're very much reflective of common problems you might have yourself.

Psychiatry blamed mothers years ago for everything from autism to schizophrenia and that was all plain wrong. Even Freud’s granddaughter, Sophie Freud, also a professor and psychiatric social worker, has said that her grandfather didn’t understand a woman’s sexuality at all.  So, we’re not throwing moms under the bus. I’m a mom and know I’ve not been a perfect one. But I have no desire to be thrown under any vehicle, bus or no bus - while dads have their own dynamic, which can often be destructive.

But these three listener questions did pertain to moms – so we’ll focus on potential problems that can arise as you become an adult yourself and make normal transitions.

Vital Links: 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

SelfWork post on enmeshment

Post on Borderline Moms

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Generally, when someone is called “a bundle of nerves,” they’re not describing a state of being that’s pleasant or desired. Those nerves could range from the fairly common experience of self-consciousness, where you have a heightened sense of yourself, to actual social anxiety, when the fear of being perceived negatively or being scrutinized by others can lead you to avoid interaction all together or have complete dread of a party or a meeting, going to church or to a family gathering. Of course, anxiety can have a very real source, such as if you fear scrutiny or even emotional abuse from a parent or a coach or a spouse.  But in social anxiety, the most innocuous situation can hold dread.

Today, we’re going to talk about what you can do about that dread – how you can allow for helpful self-consciousness or maybe a working term for that would be healthy self-awareness – but also cope with real fear of being in social settings altogether. Your social “muscle” – the ability to be with others comfortably and non-self-consciously – can grow stronger. But what the pandemic has taught even the most socially comfortable among us – that muscle can atrophy as well. And if was never strong in the first place? Then the task to exercise it can seem very daunting.

So, how can you learn how to stop telling yourself that you must look stupid, or out of step, or weird – and begin instead to become more comfortable in your own skin and work with your anxieties around being with others? That’s SW for today!

Here are the five steps toward building your social muscle and leaning into social anxiety!

1.  Shame will tell you you’re a bad or inferior person because your anxiety exists. Challenge that shame and  let go of that belief.
2. Transparency and self-acceptance can help lead you to work with your fears. Be open with others you trust about your anxiety.
3. Whatever makes you anxious offers a clear direction of what you can choose to learn.
4. Naming your anxiety shifts your perception as something that's happening to you, but isn't you. Don't think, "I'm anxious." Think instead, "I'm aware that anxiety is happening to me" or, if you've named your anxiety, "I can feel (name) arriving on the scene."
5. Practice this over and over until it becomes your new way of experiencing and working with anxiety. 

The listener voicemail is from a woman who sent me a message that ended abruptly with the words, “Women like you…”  I’ll share that with you – what I did in response – and what concerns me the most about her message to me. It may not be what you think by the way… a little healthy criticism is a good thing.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Tara Wells' article on self-awareness and self-consciousness

New York Times article on the pandemic and its impact on social anxiety

NPR's interview with the author of Good Anxiety, Wendy Suzuki

Recent research on narcissism in Psyche.com

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic"

New York Times article on Fractured Families

Forbes article on parental alienation

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

The term “cancel culture” came to be around 2016 and according to the dictionary, it’s the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure. Yet, in families, estrangement has been around quite a long time. Parents can distance themselves from children. Adult children can stop “coming around” as the term goes. Friendships can end. The root of the word in Latin is extraneare, "treat as a stranger." It can be chosen by you or it can be chosen for you, meaning that someone can estrange themselves from you. It can be a painful part of any relationship where there has formerly been affection or trust or mutual respect. How is it connected to a dynamic called parental alienation? And of course, how do the stereotypes of “family” and “the holidays” make the pain of estrangement even worse?

We'll talk about these questions and I'll be looking into the work of Dr. Karl Pillemer to give us great direction. He's the author of the recent book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.

The listener email today is from a mom who’s been a listener to SW for quite some time – but a tragedy has occurred in her family, and she’s asking for some advice. There’s a trigger warning here – her daughter has been sexually abused – so please listen with care.

Vital Links! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic"

New York Times article on Fractured Families

Forbes article on parental alienation

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com
* Check out TruDiagnostic and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://www.trudiagnostic.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands