I’ve had many people tell me over the years that they feel free to tell me things because they know I cannot tell anyone else. That’s true of course- unless I believe that there's imminent danger of some kind to them or someone else. But I don’t think of my role as that of secret-keeper. Instead I think of a therapist as offering safety rather than secrecy. Part of the safety is the secrecy – but of course, in abusive or manipulative relationships, secrecy is often used with malintent. So today, we’re going to talk about secrets.

Here are the questions we'll answer!

• What are the most common secrets?
• Why can some people not keep a secret or why are they a tattletale or a gossip?
• What’s the difference between secrecy and privacy? Or secrecy and confidentiality?
• Is it true that when something is kept secret from you, it has no impact on you?
• What’s the difference between Secrecy and manipulation? And secrecy and abuse?

The SpeakPipe voicemail for today is from a woman who revealed childhood sexual abuse to her sister; her abuser was a brother, 8 years older than she. Sadly, the sister has withdrawn from her – and now she’s asking me what she should do. What would you say?

Vital Links: 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Episode 217 on sibling sexual abuse

Interview with Michael Slepian about his new book on secrets

Psychology Today article by Michael Slepian

Why some people can't keep a secret...

How you can tell someone is lying.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

On SelfWork, I love to feature people who have used their own experience – and sometimes that experiences involves loss or grief – to live through something that has taught them important lessons. And they want to share that you.

Krista St-Germain is that kind of person. I’ll let her tell her story but I think you’ll be surprised at some of how she handled her response. She studied to become a life coach in order to try to learn what she needed to do to work through her grief and began a podcast so that, she, like me, could reach more people who were also widows and moms. She focuses on post-traumatic growth – and she stresses that PTG doesn’t involved romanticizing trauma – somehow trying to convince yourself or others that your trauma is something that you’re supposed to be glad happened. Not at all. But what you do with it is important.

Some of her major points:

• The myth about the grief stages
• How to avoid the social expectations surrounding grief
• Her truth about trauma, moving forward, and post-traumatic growth

Vital Links!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping 42% savings!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

A listener left a voicemail for me within the past couple of weeks… in fact, two. Basically she asked, “I have trouble bonding with people and find myself not expecting too much. I’m in a good relationship now with my partner, but how do I get over this issue?  Can you give tips on how to start trusting myself, others and especially my parents?” I want to stress that being able to trust is about connection – about intimacy – and if you struggle with it, then you’ll not experience true connection, but isolation and fear. The good news is, as Bessel Van Der Kolk says in The Body Keeps The Score, “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” Trigger warning: We’ll be talking about specific examples of abuse.

The voicemail for today is from a listener who had severe withdrawal symptoms from being on an antidepressant for year, and asks about how to avoid withdrawal problems.  Again I’m not a medical doctor but I can convey what I’ve observed clinically.

Our sponsors today are Ozark Mountain Medicine whose CBD products are the best of the best, and the number one online therapy service, BetterHelp!

So sit back and relax – get in touch with your breathing and your body (that's another hint...) and let’s learn about how you can begin to trust after abuse.

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

An article by Darius Cikanavicius that offered us a great way to organize our discussion and I'd highly recommend it!

I"d also recommend reading Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps The Score for wonderful practical and conceptual advice on healing from abuse!

A SelfWork YGTG on pharmacogenomics testing

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today on You Get the Gist, you’re going to get to hear from Wade LIghtheart  Who’s Wade Lightheart? Well, he’s the cofounder of BiOptimizers, who became a new sponsor of SelfWork just last week! But he’s a three-time Canadian national all-natural body building champion, and a former Mr. Universe contestant who trained as a vegan – so he’s a guy that’s doing things differently. I think you’ll find him personable and his message truly vital to hear.

Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to focus on how to help your teen with depression through an interview with a  great guest, 19 year-old Sadie Sutton, host of the podcast She Persisted. She was first diagnosed with depression when she was 13 and by the age of 14, had been hospitalized four times for severe depression, anxiety, and suicidality. Realizing things were going nowhere fast, her parents took her to McLean Hospital, a residential inpatient program. And it was there  - life changed.

Why should you listen and share her story? Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24 in the US. 20% of high school students report serious thoughts of suicide and 9% have made attempts. Ohio State football player Harry Miller’s revelations that he attempted suicide, shared his struggles with his coach and got help. He says, “This is not an issue reserved for the far and away,” wrote Miller. “It is in our homes. It is in our conversations. It is in the people we love.”

Here are some of the salient points from Sadie:

• Her parents, especially her dad, didn’t realize or even perhaps believe, that a teenager could be clinically depressed – and his efforts to “snap her out of it” or “tough love” made things worse.
• Prior to McLean, none of her therapists or the programs she entered asked for her commitment to the process of healing they proposed. In fact, they flat said that her stay would do her no good if she wasn’t going to choose to do the work. And that requirement is what caused her to actually do the work of healing.
• Her parents took part of family therapy and learned a new way of talking about conflict, of expressing emotions, or negotiating, and of being aware of your impact on others.
• She's a huge fan of DBT 9 Dialectical Behavior Therapy and she talks about some of its basic tenets.

But before we begin the interview, I’m so excited to introduce you to a new sponsor here at SelfWork! Magnesium Breakthrough. As always, I’ve tried it myself and will tell you what kind of results I’ve had! They have a wonderful offer for SelfWork listeners – so please listen in to what could be the start of more restful sleep for you – and thus, a more stable mood and good daily energy.

Vital Links:

Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’m thrilled today to introduce you to a new sponsor of SelfWork! Not only have I used this product for over three years,  but it suddenly dawned on me that I should talk to them about a collaboration! And voilá… here it is. Let me introduce you to Ozark Mountain Medicine’s fantastic CBD products!

We’re delving into my SelfWork emailbag again this week – and the questions you’ve brought me will resonate with many of you. I love hearing from all of you – because it gives me a chance to give back to those of you who are listeners in a very specific way. What are those topics? The relationship between self-esteem and lying, what to do with things that are left behind by someone who died (and this listener’s father had died by suicide – so trigger warning here), and last, is there a danger if you take medication for depression that it will numb you to your feelings?

Our second sponsor today is Athletic Greens – another product I use daily - and we’ll hear from them later in the broadcast!.

Vital Links: 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

An informative Forbes article on lying and the neuroscience behind it.

VeryWell Mind article on feeling numb due to antidepressant use

Pharmacogenetic testing and SelfWork Episode on Pharmacogenetics

SelfWork episode on A Psychologist's View of Medication Use

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

If you've listened to SelfWork, or read my book Perfectly Hidden Depression, you know that I've cautioned about doctors and clinicians' overdependence on the DSM-V (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). In this riveting conversation with the author of Pathological: The True Story of Six Misdiagnoses and activist Sarah Fay, she tells her story of being labeled with six different diagnoses during three decade  of treatment, all accompanied by prescribed medications with, at times, very difficult side effects, and numerous therapy techniques. Until finally, one psychiatrist told her - after the typical 30 minute initial visit - "I don't know what you have." His humility and caution changed her life, and she began looking into exactly what this "DSM" was and learning how subjective mental health diagnoses can be.

She's also quick to say that she's developed a healthy respect for mental health providers, as the field is a complex one to navigate. And as a provider myself, I know that there are many facets to "diagnosing" that have to be considered. That said, an accurate diagnosis takes more than 30 minutes to determine.

So, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I hope you'll learn more about how mental illness diagnoses are made - and how you can have a conversation with your provider or clinician to make sure that you are truly seen and understood, not "labeled."

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Shame. People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Today, we’re going to focus on the shame that you may carry around – that doesn’t belong to you. Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently, because they're flawed and were absorbed by you as a child.

• You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse.
• You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet.
• You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were.
• You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.”
• You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed.
• You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix.
• What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self.
• You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents.
• You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing.
• You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and he’s become overly reclusive. But it sounds as if his biggest impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them which is self-sabotaging to the work. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

So please come with me today in this episode sponsored by AG1, as we discuss 10 sources of shame – and of course, what you can do about it…

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp''s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today's YGTG (You Get the Gist) is focused on self-help; can you seek out too much help? The answer is yes. Self-help can actually make some people feel inferior and ashamed, rather than better about themselves - especially if you inundate yourself with it, or are almost addicted to seeking out articles and TikTok's and Instagram reels. And... podcasts.

Even though I'm one of those people who are trying to offer my experience as a psychologist, I've often suggested to people that they need to stop looking outside of themselves for answers or waiting for just one more piece of information before they act. You can get into analysis paralysis - and time passes, and passes, and passes. And you do nothing - because you're so afraid of making a mistake.

So... if it will be helpful - truly helpful - please listen in to the wisdom of Mel Robbins and Mark Manson. But know you and only you can learn to trust yourself.

Vital Links:

Mel Robbins' five-second rule.

Great article by Mark Manson on the one thing that self-help cannot help you do.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Back when I was busy creating my own emotional chaos,  my therapists used CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) and family systems therapy – both of which were very helpful to me. But today, we’re taking a dive into a therapy I wish had existed then ...  DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Why? Because DBT teaches distinct tools for those whose decision-making is highly governed by their intense emotions. And those tools are not only practical, but practice-able.

What I learned when I took that dive was that the tools of DBT are immense! And there are way too many of them for one episode! So, we’re going to focus on one aspect of DBT – the role of distress tolerance - which is one of the four modules of DBT.

The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’s confused because her husband has told her he no longer has feelings for her -especially sexual feelings – and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll do my best to offer some ideas..

This episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp, consistently rated as one of the best online therapy opportunities out there. And I checked and here’s an article by BH on finding a DBT therapist – and they offer tremendous ideas! But today, they have an offer for SelfWork listeners!

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Follow along with this episode by clicking on the info from this DBT great website to learn more about DBT!

A wonderful article on BetterHelp on how to find a DBT-certified therapy near you!

General information from Psych Central on DBT.

A SelfWork episode  on radical acceptance… and wow, it’s from almost 100 episodes ago!!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Happy Mammoth and use my code SELFWORK for a great deal: https://happymammoth.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands