Nice guys don’t have to finish last.

I’ve now trained hundreds of men and coached dozens more one-on-one to find the freedom they desire in dating and relating.

Along the way I’ve discovered five HUGE mistakes nice guys make over and over again that kill attraction and often make guys want to give up outright.

1) Withholding desire

This is the BIGGEST culprit I’ve seen that over and over again lands men in the friendzone. Not wanting to be “one of those guys”, many nice guys will withhold their attraction or sexual desire in order to prove they’re not just into a woman for her looks.

It’s a GREAT intention, however, it’s actually SUPER MANIPULATIVE! Withholding, pretending, or avoiding what’s actually true for us is way out of integrity, and a huge turn off for the feminine. Hundreds of years of objectification of the female body and abuse have made more and more guys AFRAID of sharing their desire, but unless you’re wanting to attract a friend, this will NEVER work.

Right now I’m sure a few of you are screaming “but it’s not safe in this day and age to share attraction, what if I’m accused of X”.

You can let go of that story right now. Dissociated or repressed attraction is what’s dangerous and what will trigger red flags for women. If you’re attracted to a woman but holding it in secret, she’ll feel the incongruency and TRUST YOU LESS. On the opposite end, if you’re FUSED with your attraction, overrun by it, and only see her as a sexual object, she’ll ALSO NOTICE AND TRUST YOU LESS.

However, when you can embody and integrate your desire in a healthy way, feeling it from head to toe while staying connected to your heart and seeing her as a FULL HUMAN BEING, she’ll at the very least TRUST you more all the way up to be turned on by it.

You don’t even have to say it out loud, this can be something done totally with the sensations in your body and eye contact with her.

No women I’ve ever talked to has wanted to be with a partner that WASN’T attracted to her. She wants you to desire her, feel her, and know her.

Too many nice guys try the “I’ll be so nice to her she’ll know I’m attracted to her” strategy and it DOES NOT WORK! You can’t just wait to find out if she likes you before connecting to your desire, by then it’s usually TOO LATE!

2) Listening more than leading

Modern women are BADASS and don’t need men to “take care of them” in the old stereotypical ways. That said, many LOVE it when men lead FOR them as an expression of care and interest.

This one again often stems from not wanting to be one of “those guys”, and wanting to be respecting of a women’s desires, wants, needs, and opinions. Like before, this is a great intention but it just doesn’t play out how many guys think it will.

How I’ve often seen this show up is guys defaulting to listening more than leading. Some concrete examples being “What do you want to do tonight?” or “Where do you want to eat?”, thus LISTENING FOR AN ANSWER and putting the ball entirely in her court. That’s abdicating leadership in the moment and an INCREDIBLY frustrating thing many women tell me about all the time.

For nice guys this can also combine with #1, Withholding desire, and manifest as the “emotional support friend”. The guy that listens patiently to her, is always there for her, and yet is someone she likely never even sees as a romantic partner.

Be it making plans or leading a conversation, the solution to this problem is to REVERSE them. Lead, then listen!

3) Getting stuck in their heads

Whether consciously or not, women will almost IMMEDIATELY size up a man when they meet him on whether or...