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In this episode of The Twelfth House, I'm diving into the somatic elements of failure tolerance — what it is, why it matters, and how increasing your capacity to withstand discomfort can make you wildly more magnetic. (You can read about the whole failure tolerance series here)
When we're confronted with potential failure or rejection, most of us go into full-on panic mode. Our bodies literally think we're about to D-I-E. This leads to failure aversion, which might be keeping you stuck in a life that feels... fine, but not particularly exciting.
What is failure tolerance?
Failure tolerance is simply the capacity to withstand and recover from perceived rejection or failure. It's not about eliminating fear (which honestly feels impossible for my scaredy-cat self) — it's about sitting with the discomfort of "this might not work" and surviving it.
When we look at failure tolerance, we can identify three different states that you might find yourself in:
* The Bravery Myth State: When you think failure tolerance means faking courage until you feel it. This approach might work for some people, but for many of us (hi!), it creates even MORE anxiety and nervous system dysregulation.
* The Hyper-Safety State: When you've designed your entire life around avoiding failure. You stick to familiar routines, places, people, and work. Everything is safe, streamlined, and... a little bit boring. It’s also easy to fall into this relationship with failure tolerance when you’ve been designing for stability in your life.
* The Magnetic State: When you can acknowledge your fears while expanding your capacity to withstand discomfort. You don't need to be brave — you just need to be able to survive the feeling of potential failure.
Signs your failure tolerance needs attention:
* You feel "fine" but not excited about your life or business
* You find yourself feeling mysteriously “stuck” or “blocked” — you know I don’t believe you’re ever blocked, but you know what I’m saying — even though things seem to be running perfectly well in your life otherwise
* Your offerings haven't changed in ages because "they work" (but do they really work?)
* You find yourself ordering the same food, going to the same places, hanging with the same people, in excess
* You dismiss ideas as "impossible" before even exploring them
* You catch yourself thinking "I can't ask for that" more than "I wonder if I could get that"
The nervous system of it all
When we face potential failure, our nervous system kicks into sympathetic mode (fight/flight/freeze). In this state:
* Your attention narrows (literally — your vision constricts)
* Your body gets rigid
* Your cortisol and adrenaline spike
* Your creativity, adaptability, and fine motor learning shut down completely. Boo! Hiss!
But in parasympathetic mode:
* Your prefrontal cortex activates, boosting learning and planning
* Your movements become more fluid and flexible
* Your brain forms new connections more easily
* Your creativity and intuition flow
See the problem? When we're failure-averse, we're physiologically cutting ourselves off from the very creativity we need to evolve. It's like trying to brainstorm innovative ideas while a tiger is chasing you. NOT HAPPENING.
The Fettuccine Alfredo Test
Here's my absurdly specific but clarifying example. You're at Ruby's Diner. What you really want is fettuccine Alfredo with peas.
If you're failure-averse, your thought process is: "They don't have that here. I guess I'll order something I don't really want."
If you're failure-tolerant, you might:
* Ask if they can make it anyway?
* Suggest going to a different restaurant?
* See if you can order it for delivery while everyone else eats Ruby's?
* Propose meeting at home later with everyone's preferred food?
The failure-averse person never considers these options because they've decided only the menu in front of them exists. (This extends WAY beyond pasta, promise.)
Practical ways to increase your failure tolerance:
* Move sloooooowly. When you feel that fear response kicking in, pause. Notice the physical sensations. "My shoulders are up to my ears. My stomach is dropping. My toes are clenched."
* Name your thoughts. "I'm having the thought that I'll be rejected." Not "I'll be rejected," but "I'm having the thought that I'll be rejected." This creates a tiny but crucial space between you and the fear.
* Stay with the discomfort a bit longer. Your body believes you'll die if this feeling continues. By staying with it for 30 seconds, a minute, two minutes, you're showing your nervous system: "See? Still alive."
* Expand your awareness. Release your shoulders and jaw. Take a breath. Let your peripheral vision open up. This signals to your body that you're not in immediate danger.
Remember: Your failure tolerance will fluctuate. It's not a linear progression from "scaredy cat" to "fearless warrior." (Thank god, because I'd fail that test immediately.) Some days you'll feel braver than others based on your overall sense of safety, health, and what else is happening in your life.
The most fascinating paradox? Many of us are most failure-tolerant when we hit an energetic void, because we literally have less to lose. As we become more successful, we often become MORE failure-averse. We have more to protect. More to lose. The stakes feel higher.
The magnetism superpower
When you increase your failure tolerance, you energy becomes contagious and uber attractive. Not because you're fearless, but because you're willing to exist alongside your fear without being totally controlled by it.
People who are highly failure-tolerant have that quality where everyone turns when they enter a room. Not because they're loud or conventionally charismatic, but because there's a gravitational pull to their energy. They're so purely themselves that you can't help but be drawn in.
Think about it: what's more magnetic than someone who can handle hearing "no" without crumbling? Who can ask for what they really want? Who can explore possibilities that others dismiss as impossible?
Your homework (if you choose to accept it):
* Notice one place where you're being failure-averse today
* Practice the "slow down" technique when you feel that fear rising
* Ask for ONE thing you've been avoiding asking for (start small!)
* Track your physical responses to potential rejection
And if you want to dive deeper into failure tolerance, join us in The North Node, our private membership community, where we've been running the Failure Tolerance Challenge for four years with WILD results. Members have launched businesses, created products, written books, gone on life-changing dates — all by increasing their capacity to withstand the discomfort of potential failure.
Want more? Check out our paid subscriber episode where KP and I share our "found objects" for failure tolerance — all the inspirations that sparked this series. We even talk about our own failure tolerance journeys and how we've personally used these techniques.
Oh, and tell me in the comments: What's your relationship with failure tolerance? On a scale from 1 to 10 — 1 being most failure averse, 10 being most failure tolerant — where do you land?
Liked this?You’ll love Holisticism and our podcast The Twelfth House.Want to learn more about intuitive business and creator-ship?Sign up for the North Node waitlist here.Into my persnickety personality and strategic perspective?Inquire about 1:1 advising with me here.
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