Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I spent A LOT of years trying to protect Dan from his own crappy decisions. In doing so, I inadvertently buffered him from the very real consequences of his actions (or inactions). In fact, I protected and buffered him so well that he had zero incentive to change. 🤦🏻‍♀️.

If I could go back in time, I'd save both of us a whole lot of frustration by reminding him a normal amount about important things — and then letting life happen. Oh, you never replied to your ex's email in time about that day trade to accommodate our family vacation? Guess your kid isn't coming then. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know that sounds mean but it only would've taken ONE incident like that to improve our entire family dynamic. ONE. And instead, I spent years and years arguing and nagging and frustrated as hell... with no effect whatsoever, unless you include increasing both our stress levels.

Caring more about your partner's boundaries with the ex than they do, or caring more about your stepkid's upbringing than your partner does — both of those are recipes for resentment, frustration, and a whole lotta arguing in circles. Let's not do that anymore. Instead, go read this: ➡️ THE DISENGAGING ESSAY 👀  Disengaging is often incorrectly interpreted as having nothing to do with your stepkids, but really it’s about stepping back from trying to control everything. Which you might not even realize you’re doing — I definitely didn’t.

Anyway. All this is to say, it really is okay to let your partner & your stepkids experience the natural consequences of their actions or inactions. If you’ve tried everything else, I encourage you to maybe try that next and see how it goes.

Side note: if you’re finding this podcast helpful, I’d really appreciate it if you’d take a couple minutes to leave a review! Reviews help us get more listeners, and helping more stepparents is definitely the goal. Thanks so much and I’ll catch you back here tomorrow. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Okay. I know it’s super easy to take everything about becoming a stepparent and blending your family really seriously. And understandably so — there’s a lot of worrying involved in stepparenting. 

What if the kids never warm up to you? What if that initial awkwardness never goes away? What if you always feel like an outsider? What if your partner never starts parenting their dang kids? What if the ex never stops interfering in your lives? What if what if what if?

To all of this, I propose an alternative solution to constant agonizing that I know will sound like a gross oversimplification but just… hear me out: try to relax. Seriously. Lighten up a little on all that anxiety and doomsday-predicting.

There’s no way you’re gonna blend a family without some mistakes and mishaps along the way — but that is normal and okay and doesn’t mean you’re doing any of this wrong or you’ll never feel blended.

Something that really helped me was learning more about stepfamily dynamics and how all of this works. So I really encourage you to go read this: ➡️ The 3 phases (& 7 stages) of blending your family 👀

I promise, so much of what you’re experiencing is so incredibly common. And if you need any reassurance about that, please come join our Substack community. The posts in our private chatroom are so friggin relatable and validating, and everyone is super helpful and amazing. 

You don’t have to go through this alone. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Yesterday I talked about how we don’t need anyone else’s approval to move forward as a stepfamily. This goes double or maybe triple or maybe exponentially times a million for not needing approval from your partner’s ex.

I know on some level, wanting the ex to sign off on your presence in your partner & stepkid’s life kind of seems like the respectful thing to do. I absolutely felt that way myself, like well once Dan’s ex sees all the benefits I can bring to her kid’s life, then she’ll stop being so mad all the dang time. In reality though, I was giving someone else an inappropriate amount of power over my relationship, my family, and my future.

My own kid has had stepmoms and I can tell you that a normal person does actually appreciate what an outsider can bring to their child’s life. Having one more person who loves your kid and keeps an eye out for them can only be a good thing. If your partner’s ex doesn’t agree — well, you don’t need them to. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

So don’t let the ex rent free space in your head. You & your partner have EVERY RIGHT to be in each other’s lives, to run your relationship and your home as you wish without bending backwards to make sure the ex is happy with all your decisions. And if the ex is unhappy, that is not your problem to solve — nor is it your fault. Their reactions are about themselves, not about you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Because stepparents start out as outsiders, we have this tendency to kind of hover around on the sidelines, like we’re waiting for someone to give us permission to participate in our new families. Or maybe we want someone to fill us in on the rules of this new game so we don’t piss anybody off. This can happen even for stepparents like myself who aren’t typically the kind of people who worry about rocking the boat.

So speaking from personal experience on this, please do not wait around for anyone else’s stamp of approval. Because if you’re hoping that the kids or your partner’s ex are gonna co-sign on you being around, you could be waiting a loooong time. The only two people who determine the future of this relationship are you and your partner. 

Now, if you’re having trouble getting on the same page as your partner, that’s a pep talk for a different day (this workshop might help: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 ) — but in the meantime, at the very least try to set aside the stress over gaining your stepkid’s approval… or the approval of anyone else. Focus on getting a solid foundation in place with your partner first, and the rest will fall into place a whole lot easier.

One last thing: if you’re enjoying this podcast, I’d really appreciate if you’d leave a review! Reviews not only help me feel like I’m not shouting into the void, they also give us a little algorithm bump, which in turn will help more struggling stepparents find their way here. Thanks so much for listening, I appreciate you! xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

There's a tendency to act like parallel parenting is the shameful option we only resort to because we've failed at co-parenting somehow. But when you're dealing with a high-conflict ex, co-parenting is not possible, because they will never compromise. In fact their inability to compromise is literally the thing that makes them high conflict.

So if you've been beating yourself up over your inability to co-parent with a difficult ex... please don’t. Parallel parenting is a perfectly valid approach to raising kids in two different homes. And there’s a lot of freedom to be found in embracing that concept rather than trying to co-parent with someone who isn’t interested in co-parenting back.

For help getting out from under the influence of a toxic ex, start by reading our 10 Commandments of high-conflict co-parenting. Or if you want more info on parallel parenting specifically, I have a blog post on that too: ➡️ THE LIFE-CHANGING MAGIC OF PARALLEL PARENTING 👀

Dan & I also put together a workshop called the quick-start guide to parallel parenting that’s coming out soon for our paid subscribers over on Substack, so if you’re not a member yet, you should definitely join up: ➡️ JOIN THE COMMUNITY! 🤩 The chat room alone is amazing for helping you feel less alone as you’re trying to figure out all this stuff. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

The rewards of stepparenting can feel way too few and way too far between for this gig to feel “worth it.” The bullshit outnumbers the wins by at least 10 to 1.

That’s the thing, though: we can’t think about stepparenting in those terms — just like no one thinks about whether it’d be “worth it” to have their own kids. Because that’s not why we’re doing this. We make the choice to become stepparents not because it's gonna be "worth it," but because we want to. Because we're willing to make that commitment with no guarantee of a net positive outcome.

I know firsthand that making that commitment does not mean every day will be sunshine and roses. I had no idea what I was getting into when I started dating someone with kids, even though I already had a kid of my own. But I also know the wins I’ve found along the way have been all the sweeter for their unexpectedness. And I believe that’s gonna be true for you too.

That said, if you’re feeling burned out and overwhelmed, the question of “worth it” might actually be more like a question of “can I possibly keep going like this” — in which case, please go read this: ➡️ 17 Coping Tips for Managing Overwhelming Stepparenting Emotions 👀

I’ve been where you are and know how much it sucks feeling like you canNOT do this for one more day, let alone the 5 to 7 years it allegedly takes to blend a family.

If you’re at the end of your rope, please come join us in Substack! We’ve created a private, troll-free support group full of other stepparents who totally get it, and we’d love to help support you too. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I talk a lot about how challenging my relationship with my own stepkid has been, but actually our relationship started out pretty decent… before it took a steep nosedive around 6 months in. Followed by more major issues right around the 2-year mark.

Turns out this is super common — this exact pattern, timing and all. It’s also common for stepkids to suddenly reject you when you hit a relationship milestone, like getting engaged or moving in together. It’s like once your stepkid realizes you're actually gonna be sticking around, they go all in to push you away.⠀

There are many reasons why stepkids reject stepparents, and they’re all valid but I promise that not only is this normal, it’s also usually only temporary. So hang in there and keep breathing. 

I know everyone says not to take this shit personally and I know that’s easier said than done but I promise it’s not just you. Remember that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average — there's plenty of time for those kiddos to come around. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

When you’re in a relationship with someone who has children, by definition that implies that you’ve agreed to help parent those kids. Let me just say that again: you’ve agreed to help parent. Which implies that your partner should already be parenting their kids.

Stepparents: you can't parent your stepkids unless your partner is willing to actively support you in a parenting role. Nor can you parent your stepkids more than your partner is willing to do themselves. Not if you want to stay sane, that is.⠀⠀⠀⠀

If you’re pulling your hair out over a partner who isn’t parenting and your house feels way too close to Lord of the Flies for your personal comfort level, please please please go read this: ➡️ THE DISENGAGING ESSAY 👀

Because there’s a HUGE DIFFERENCE between helping parent someone else's kids vs taking all the parenting responsibilities upon yourself while your partner continues not parenting. Cross that line and you'll find yourself in burnout territory mighty quick. xo⠀⠀⠀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

It’s important to remember that the whole reason that you’re putting up with all this bullshit as a stepparent is because you really really really love your partner.

So it’s also important to make sure that relationship is healthy, supportive, and worth it.

Look, we can't do any of this without our partners' help. We can't. I hear so many stories every single day about partners who let their kids treat their stepparents like absolute garbage, not even expecting the kids to show the same degree of basic respect that they'd have to show a teacher, a coach, or any other adult in their life.

And you know what, THAT IS NOT OKAY. This goes way beyond the stepparenting/blended family dynamic and into what makes a healthy relationship. ALL of us deserve partners who support us. Who don't dismiss us as being crazy, needy, or complainers when we say we're struggling and need help.

Now granted sometimes that happens because our partners — like us — are uninformed about what’s considered normal in stepfamily dynamics. And I know finding resources that apply to both partners in a stepcouple is damn near impossible, which is why Dan & I put this guide together: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀

This resources is free for our paid subscribers on Substack, but you can also access it during a free trial if memberships aren’t your jam. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

In a high-conflict step parenting situation, the natural process of blending your family gets set back over and over again with each battle between households.

So if you’re blaming yourself for this whole blending thing being a hell of a lot harder than you anticipated, please knock that off right now.

Stepfamily experts say that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average. But when there’s high conflict, that number jumps up to 10+ years. I know that's a bleak statistic, but I promise I’m actually sharing it to give you hope. Because if you’re anything like me, sitting out there wondering whyyy blending your family feels like such an uphill battle… well, this could be why.

Stepparenting in high conflict is different. It’s harder, more exhausting, and more heartbreaking, and the usual advice does not apply. Which is why I have a more in-depth workshop to help you understand why that is and what you can do to counteract the toxic influence of your partner’s ex: ➡️ High Conflict Stepparenting: Blending Under Pressure 👀

This workshop is free for our paid subscribers on Substack, but you can also sign up for a free trial and watch it that way. Plus, you’ll get access to our private support group and you can ask me & Dan personally for advice on your particular situation if you’d like. We’d love to have you. xo

➡️ JOIN THE COMMUNITY! 🤩

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com