Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

Most stepparents enter this role with a reasonable amount of respect for our partner’s ex as our stepkid's other parent. We don't want to overstep. We want to do right by our partners and our stepkids.

So we take any suggestions that we're overstepping very seriously. The last thing we want is to make things worse between houses or harder for our stepkids, right? If accused of overstepping, we typically back off just to stay on the safe side, even when all we're doing seems like totally normal stepparenting.

Here’s the thing though. A normal, mature adult whose children have a stepparent wouldn't insist on dictating that relationship in the first place. So if that's what's happening, HELLO RED FLAGS! 🚩🚩🚩 Chances are pretty dang good you're looking at someone who's high conflict.

So today’s pep talk is more of a reminder: just because the ex claims you’re overstepping doesn’t mean you’re actually overstepping.

Many a high-conflict ex will play the overstepping card in an attempt to get you the hell away from their kid. Or control what’s happening at your house. Or stir up drama. Or heck, all of the above!

A lot of stepparents get intimidated by this shit and become paranoid about what the “right” way is to interact with their stepkid. (I know I did!)

So let me be clear: normal, everyday involvement in your stepkid’s life does NOT constitute overstepping.

Packing school lunches, driving your stepkid around, attending their games & recitals, decorating their room at your house, planning family vacations with them, asking them to take their dishes to the sink… none of that is overstepping.

It’s stepparenting.

Anyone who implies otherwise should be soundly ignored.

Like everything else about dealing with a high conflict ex, don’t let their attempted manipulations influence how you and your partner run your household.

This isn’t a job interview. The ex doesn’t get a vote; they don’t have veto power over you. You do not need the ex’s approval to become a stepparent, and they don’t get to dictate the way you’re allowed to stepparent.

If you’re fed up with a nightmare ex, you should definitely come join our support community on Substack. We have a private chatroom where you can safely vent, and you can even use a fake name for extra anonymity if you want. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

As a former single mom, all I wanted was to give my kid a "real" family. Even if it killed me.

The thing is, meeting Dan and then trying to force 4 strangers to feel like a family just about DID kill me. Because at no point along the way did I remember to put my oxygen mask on first.

All that self-care advice I’m always sharing with you all? I did NONE OF THAT. I kept thinking, once all our issues are solved, THEN I can relax. Focus on other things besides trying to blend this family.

But stepfam life doesn't work that way because the issues are never fully solved. I don't mean that in a negative or hopeless kind of way, but rather that life keeps happening and challenges are the very nature of life.

We can't put our own self-care on hold indefinitely while we're waiting for our families to blend — especially not when that's a process that takes 5 to 7 years (and 10+ in high conflict 😱).

So make sure you're carving out time for yourself and your own mental health along the way. There's more to you than stepparenting.

If you feel like you’re drowning as a stepparent, please go read my free survival guide! So much of what makes stepparenting challenging is our own misconceptions about life in a blended family and this role itself. In my survival guide, I share a bunch of tips and resources to help make stepparenting feel more doable in a sustainable way. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Please remember that no stepparenting advice applies to every stepparent. If what you're doing works for you & your family, keep right on doing it! Feel free to ignore any "rules" about blending your family that don't apply to you and would never work for you.

Blended families come in an infinite variety of flavors — the key is to find a way forward that works for you and your family. Which could look very, very different from what works for someone else.

It’s so easy to get inside our heads about this and worry that we’re blending our family upside down and backwards. You’re not, I promise. You’re just finding your way, exactly the same as all the rest of us.

If you’d like some extra solidarity along the way, please come join our support community in Substack! We have a private chatroom for troll-free venting, plus you can get advice from me & Dan in our weekly Q&A. But the best part is that you’ll get to connect with a bunch of awesome stepparents who totally get it. xo⠀⠀⠀⠀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I talk a lot about the need for us to have realistic expectations about stepparenting, and once in a while someone gets snarky with me about that statement. They’ll say things like they shouldn't have to lower their expectations for their stepkids. That they deserve to run their household the way they want.

It’s really not about lowering your expectations though — it’s about getting real. Your stepkids are not going to change their mannerisms overnight. Nor are they likely to thank you for coming in with a bunch of new rules. And your partner isn’t gonna suddenly start parenting differently after one discussion. Or even a dozen discussions.

Real change is absolutely possible, but it takes time and patience. I’m gonna quote my favorite statistic again: blending a family takes, on average, 5 to 7 years. And 10+ in high conflict. You’ve got to pace yourself. And that’s gonna be a whole lot easier if you’re holding yourself and your stepfamily to standards that are achievable for all of you.

If you’re feel like you’re drowning as a stepparent, please go read my stepparenting survival guide! Because the more you know about what’s normal for stepfamily dynamics and the role of a stepparent, the better you’ll feel about the whole thing. Finding stepparenting peace starts with letting go of our own unrealistic expectations, and educating ourselves is the first step. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Over on Instagram, I used to host Tiny Victory Tuesdays in my stories. New followers initially felt discouraged by this — they'd DM me saying they didn't have any wins to share. I'd remind them that all we're looking for is tiny victories and no win was too small to celebrate.

Gradually, even the most stressed-out stepparents started sharing hesitant wins like... "Well I guess I cried less this week" or "My stepkid didn't completely ignore me."

Tiny victories that couldn't possibly be considered wins by anyone other than stepparents who are deeply committed to finding that light at the other end of the tunnel. Tiny victories that absolutely, totally, 100% count as wins.

I remember wishing for huge, unmistakable wins myself — dramatic court victories and firm boundary-setting and admissions of wrong-doing by certain high-conflict exes. The sexy wins, you know?

Looking back, though, I find it's the tiny victories I treasure the most. That time my stepkid spontaneously hugged me when I surprised her by painting a fairy mural on her wall. That time she could've picked anywhere to go for her birthday brunch and she requested I make her favorite pancakes at home instead. That time the kids watched some show that made them laugh so hard they came staggering into our room trying to tell us what was so funny, but then they couldn’t even talk.

Those are the moments I hold closest in my heart: the tiniest of tiny victories. And I am so thankful that I didn't overlook them just because they weren't loud, massive wins all lit up in neon lights.

We all carry an image in our heads of what it means to be successfully blended. What our stepfamily will look like or act like once we’ve worked everything out and we finally feel like a “real” family.

The good news is, you’re already a real family. Blending is a process, not a destination.

What makes a blended family work isn’t the big stuff. We become blended through hundreds of small successes and shared memories along the way. The mumbled good morning from the stepkid who ignored you yesterday. The lack of an angry email from the ex last week — or maybe only one email instead of many.

Look for those bright moments, those teeny tiny victories, and celebrate them for the wins they are. Those are the bread crumbs that will lead you to blended. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I’m not here to armchair diagnose anyone or water down the word ‘narcissist’ — which is an actual diagnosable mental disorder — but I do want stepparents and their partners to be aware when they’re involved in a dysfunctional co-parenting situation that goes way beyond the realm of standard post-divorce stuff.

So here’s some signs you’re probably co-parenting with a narcissist… or at the very least, a toxic and/or high conflict ex:

• Nothing is ever their fault; things are always happening to them.
• They’re game-playing pros — they’ll agree just enough to make you think they’re going along with your suggestion, but only if doing so somehow serves their own interests. Or gives them a different way to control you.
• Narcissists are deeply competitive people who view everything as a competition. They don’t want to lose and they don’t like being told what to do.
• They’re concerned with themselves first and foremost over anyone else. Everything is about them: their time, their money, their child. If they can’t see how something will serve them on a personal level, they won’t participate.

Most of all, a narcissist doesn’t co-parent — they counter-parent. A narc co-parent has their own agenda and they view anything outside that agenda as a threat… even your attempts to co-parent amicably.

A high conflict ex does not care about the collateral damage they cause along the way, including the damage they cause to their own kids.

For all of these reasons and many more than I could share in a 2-minute pep talk, trying to compromise more with a high-conflict, toxic, or narcissist ex will not improve your co-parenting relationship.

But putting stronger boundaries in place can make a noticeable difference for the better — for you and your kids. For help getting started, please go read this: ➡️ THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HIGH-CONFLICT CO-PARENTING 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I used to shy away from using the word “stepmom” like it was a dirty word. But “bonus mom” squicks me out even worse so… “stepmom” it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I got to wondering, why am I so uncomfortable with that word? Introducing my stepkid as my step kid shouldn’t seem like an insult — it's a fact. That is our legal relationship to each other.

I finally figured out, it’s really society’s preconceptions around stepparents that make us second guess using that title. And I’ve gotta say, I am so over it. I mean, if anyone thinks my relationship with my stepkid counts for less because I’m her stepmom rather than her biological mom, I’ve got a good sharp kick in the shins for those idiots.

To change society’s preconceptions about “stepmom” being a negative title though, first we need to change our own. We need to stop acting like introducing ourselves as a stepparent or referring to our stepkids as stepkids is the equivalent of admitting to some shameful confession.

The only way for stepparents to stop feeling like we’re lepers is to normalize stepparenting, and the best way to normalize stepparenting is to embrace our prefixes already. Let’s stop apologizing for the very valid role we all play in our stepfamilies, and own the stepparent/stepkid title with pride.

That might’ve been a little closer to a rant than a pep talk, but I feel like sometimes a soapbox is called for. I will now step down off that soapbox though and ask a small favor, which is if you’re finding this podcast helpful, could you please leave a review? It only takes a minute but will make a BIG difference in helping this little podcast get found by more stepparents. Thanks so much and I’ll meet you back here tomorrow. xo

PS - Now on Etsy: STICKERS FOR STEPPARENTS! >> (Let’s destigmatize this role already!!)

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I used to kind of go off on Dan when I thought his kid was being kinda shitty to him & taking advantage of his generosity. And he’d just let her get away with it. UGH.

Dan's sweetness & generosity of spirit are qualities I LOVE about him, so I get a little wild when anyone plays him for a sucker. (By “anyone” I mostly mean his kid and his ex.) And then I end up mad at him because I think he should have better boundaries and more self-respect.

Many stepparents have asked me how they can keep respecting their partners when they — like Dan — let their kids boss them around, bend over backwards for the ex who treats them like garbage, etc. How do you respect your partner when they don’t seem to respect themselves? This is a question I’ve struggled with too.

What I’ve come to realize is that it isn't that Dan doesn't respect himself. It's that he leads with love. He gets that his daughter is dealing with way more emotional baggage than he or I could ever imagine. So if Dan’s kid is taking some of that frustration out on him, he responds with love and non-judgement because he doesn't want her stuck in the middle of 2 angry parents —1 angry parent is already way too many.

Dan is also still healing from an emotionally abusive marriage, followed by a decade of equally traumatic court battles & high conflict co-parenting; the way he responds isn’t always aligned with my expectations for what constitutes a normative response.

So I take a deep breath and check my frustration. I remind myself that this is a man who always, always takes the high road and the path of love, and I would do better to learn from him instead of judge him.

And that is how I keep respecting my gentle-hearted husband.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Stepparenting guilt can lead you one of two ways: down into a vicious shame spiral, where you end up silent, scared, and paralyzed. OR you can let that guilt propel you upwards, forgive yourself for your mistakes, and keep growing.

Just like regular parents, stepparents mess up sometimes. Just like regular parents, stepparents are making this shit up as we go. And just like regular parents, perfection isn't possible.

Today, please try to let go of all those "shoulds" you keep piling on yourself. Stop “shoulding” all over yourself, as the saying goes. All you can do is the best you can do. Don't waste your time beating yourself up for not knowing then what you know now. Now that you know better, you’ll do better. And you’ll keep doing better, because that's who you are.

If you’re struggling in your role, I recommend checking out my free stepparenting survival guide. A lot of the guilt we go through as stepparents is because we don’t realize that what we’re thinking, feeling, and experiencing is actually completely normal. This survival guide is like a cheat sheet for the biggest things I wish I’d known back when I was just starting out as a new stepmom. I really hope it helps. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

So many stepparents think the success or failure of their blended family lands entirely on them. But that’s not now any of this works. Both partners need to work together to blend a family.

Stepparents are like guests at our partner’s cocktail party. We really need someone to invite us in, show us around, introduce us, and generally help us feel at home. Show us the ropes. And that person is the party host, aka our partner.

Now, your partner might not realize they need to do this. To be fair, you might not have known this yourself before right now. So next time you’re struggling, try asking your partner for support. This is something I really wish I’d been more clear about with Dan. Oh you want me to have a better relationship with your kid? Then please help me. Help your kid get to know me. Help me get to know your kid. Help us find common ground and help me find where I fit in in all this.

Your partner really needs to be in this with you, not shrugging their shoulders and expecting you to just figure everything out on your own. Blended family life is complicated, and it takes two.

If you need help explaining to your partner why and how you need their support, Dan & I created this guide to help that conversation head in a productive direction: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀

Or if you need help on your own with just figuring out a way to make the stepparent role work better for you and not feel so uncomfortable and confusing, here’s a workshop to help with that: ➡️ Redefining the Stepparenting Role. Both of these are included with a paid subscription to our Substack community, which also includes a private chat room, Q&As with me & Dan, and access to a ton of other resources. We’d love for you to join us. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com