Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

It’s really common for us to judge our stepparenting performance based on one single metric: whether our stepkids like us. But believe me when I say it’s a huge mistake to base your self-worth on your stepkid’s approval.

Honestly, most stepkids are standoffish with their stepparents, especially at first. There’s a lot of reasons for this — read this blog post for a whole list: ➡️ WHY DOES MY STEPKID HATE ME? 6 REASONS WHY STEPKIDS REJECT STEPPARENTS 👀 — and all of them are totally normal. Good news though: your stepkid doesn't have to be nuts about you for you to still be a great stepparent and become a positive influence in their life... eventually.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Until that day arrives, keep taking deep breaths as needed, and keep reminding yourself that you're an awesome person who had no idea what they were signing on for and you're doing your best. Then give yourself permission to relax, be yourself, and quit going overboard trying to win everyone else over. The sooner your stepkids gets to know the real you, the sooner you’ll all feel more comfortable in your blended family.

For more help busting misconceptions around stepparenting, please go read our Stepparenting Survival Guide. It’s the down and dirty super quick summary of all the things I wish I’d known back when I was a new stepparent.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

If you haven’t heard of Bill Eddy, he’s basically the king of kicking high conflict’s ass. And he’s got a fantastically simple tip to greatly minimize communication problems with difficult people called the BIFF response:

B = BRIEF: Keep your reply short, and preferably in writing.

I = INFORMATIVE: Respond with relevant facts, not emotions. Don’t waste time defending or explaining yourself; a high-conflict person will just cherry-pick new arguments.

F = FRIENDLY: Don’t go overboard with this one but do take the time to begin and end communications in polite, neutral manner.

F = FIRM: Don’t participate in additional drama. If the ex’s temper flares up, calmly (and firmly!) end the conversation.

Bill Eddy has a great example of using the BIFF response on his website that’s gold for anyone who’s gotten stuck arguing in circles with a difficult narcissist. The BIFF response is also perfect when used in combination with our 10 Commandments for high-conflict co-parenting.

If you’re finding these little tips and pep talks helpful, I’d love it if you’d take a couple minutes to leave a review! Every review gives us a little algorithm bump, which will hopefully help more folks find us. And helping more struggling stepparents is definitely our goal. Thanks so much and I’ll catch you back here tomorrow. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Today’s pep talk is really just a list of reminders. Starting with the reminder that there’s no Stepparent of the Year award, so let's please stop destroying ourselves trying to achieve some gold standard that doesn't even exist.

It’s okay for stepparents to say no sometimes. Or even a lot of the time.

It’s okay to take time for yourself when you need to recharge. Yep, even if you’re a full-time stepparent. And if you’re a part-time stepparent, please remember you don’t need to spend every minute of your stepkid’s time with you planning or participating in Family Bonding Activities just because your time together is limited.

It’s also okay for you to decline to participate in drama and let your partner handle their ex on their own. You’re allowed to let the people around you experience the natural consequences of their actions or inactions. Speaking from my personal experience, you might find that taking yourself out of the middle improves stepfamily life a whole lot faster.

And today’s final reminder? Taking care of yourself IS NOT SELFISH; it's critical. An exhausted, resentful, burned-out version of you can't be any kind of a good stepparent... or a good parent, or a good partner. You deserve to feel like your best self, and being a stepparent does not change that.

If you need help redefining the stepparenting role in a way that works better for real life and isn’t based on completely unrealistic expectations, please watch this workshop. It’s free for our paid subscribers on Substack but you can also sign up for a free trial and watch it that way. I really hope it helps.

One last thing: if you’re enjoying this podcast, I’d really appreciate if you’d leave a review! It’s basically like giving the algorithm a cookie, which in turn will help more struggling stepparents find their way here. And the more people we can help, the better. Thanks so much for listening, I really appreciate you being here. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

A huge challenge in defining your role as a stepparent is trying to figure out when that role actually begins. 

When you become a parent, there's a clear before-and-after sequence. One day there wasn't a kid around. The next day, BAM. You're a parent. Even adoptive parents and foster parents experience this. 

As a stepparent, not so much. Becoming a stepparent is the opposite of a clear sequence. No one says "I'm now a stepparent!" after they've been on a couple dates with someone who has kids. I never called myself a stepmom until after Dan and I got married. Which was ridiculous; if I wasn't a stepparent by then — at 4 years in and living together — what was I?

But while there may not be a clear starting point for the moment you become a stepparent, one thing that stepparents and biological parents have in common is this: there is no end point. Your role is always evolving, always growing and changing. You'll always learn more, you'll always find better approaches, you'll have good days and rough days and in-between days.

In the meantime, don’t stress too much about defining your relationship or wondering if you’re a “real” stepparent yet. It’s okay not to have those answers right away. And if you want more reassurance about that, go check out my workshop on redefining the stepparenting role. It’s free to paid Substack subscribers, but you can unlock access with a free trial too. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Omg. Your stepkid forgot to pick up their backpack AGAIN? The ex is on yet another rampage about something? Your partner STILL isn't enforcing the household rules you all agreed to?

It’s all so rage-inducing some days isn’t it?? Like the progress we made one day gets wiped out the next. We’re continually starting from scratch. And also, doesn’t anyone else care about this? Why does it feel like we’re the only one in the trenches over here?

Take a minute with me to just breathe in. And breathe out. In. Out. Okay. And… let that shit GO. With a reminder that we cannot control other people's actions. Which sucks, but it's also reality. So choose your battles wisely, and focus your energy somewhere you can make a difference... like into your own self-care and protecting your own sanity.

For help getting started with this, check out our resources on stepparenting recovery & burnout. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

A lot of single parents genuinely don’t realize that they’re doing their kids (and their romantic partners!) a disservice by putting the kids first no matter what. Yes, kids have needs, and obviously it’s a parent’s job to make sure those needs are met.

However, your relationship has needs too. And pretending like only the kids’ needs matter is not sustainable. Just like it’d also be unsustainable to neglect your kids by spending all your time and energy on a romantic partner. Finding a balance between those commitments is key. If you feel like you’re in competition with your stepkids for your partner’s attention, that’s a sign your needs aren’t getting met.

One of the few things a stepfamily has in common with a traditional family is that the couple-relationship forms the foundation. Bending over backwards for the sake of the kids does not set your stepfamily up for success. This is so important to understand that I have a whole blog post on it: WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT THE KIDS) SHOULD COME FIRST IN A STEPFAMILY

Hopefully you can get your partner to read it too. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

When our partners are stuck on the receiving end of a manipulative, controlling, or narcissistic co-parent hell-bent on destroying their lives, we stepparents are standing right there next to them, right smack in the red zone.

Narcissists love pushing buttons. They want conflict and drama because that’s the best way to keep you off balance. Their goal is chaos, because that’s how they achieve complete control.

So what’s the best way we can support our partners and our stepkids while also protecting ourselves when we’re facing a high-conflict ex?

Don’t give them what they want. Instead, respond like you’re a little ol’ grey rock. Refuse to take their bait and decline to participate in drama. No matter what they throw in your direction, remain neutral. Over time, these emotional vampires will move on to a new food source.

I have an entire blog post with more specific tips on how to protect your own mental health when the ex is a nightmare: 4 WAYS STEPPARENTS CAN PROTECT THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH IN HIGH CONFLICT

Don’t let them get inside your head. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

There’s no way around it: stepfamily life is messier and more complex and far more confusing than life in a traditional family.

Based on my personal experience, a person could just about go crazy trying to make a blended family look or act or feel more like a traditional family. But if we’re able to kind of lean into that messiness instead of fighting against it, we can start to appreciate — and heck, maybe even enjoy — the complicated realities of stepfamily life.

Like, okay. I used to haaate that we only had my stepkid every other week. How were we ever supposed to feel like a “real” family when we were only together some of the time? Then over time, I started thinking wow, Dan & I get a lot of 1:1 couple time. This would never happen in a traditional family. And I started learning how to get more strategic during our kid-free time — using that break to recharge, to focus on my own kid, to put time & energy into my relationship with Dan.

Over time, I started feeling more grounded and settled. Less frazzled by transition days, less hung up on all the elements that made our family different.

So yeah, this is messy. But also can be kind of awesome, if we can learn to let some of our preconceptions go. If you need help with this, I put together a free stepparenting survival guide to get you started. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

No one talks about the day-to-day exhaustion of feeling eternally judged and found lacking, of constantly walking on eggshells living in fear that the next thing you say or do could affect the amount of time your stepkid is at your house. This is a very real fear that stepparents in high conflict live with EVERY SINGLE DAY.⠀⠀

But the thing about high conflict people is, you can’t make them happy. They’ll never stop being scary or dramatic or reactionary because that’s how they maintain control.

So if I could go back in time, here's the advice I'd give myself: LIVE AUTHENTICALLY. And today I’m sharing that advice with you too. Be your best self, fearlessly, every single day, and trust that no family court judge is gonna take a kid away from their parent just because the kid complains that their stepparent asked them to eat their veggies at dinner one too many times.⠀⠀⠀

High conflict changes everything, including how you stepparent. Including how your stepkids relate to you and your partner, and how your family blends. Which is another thing I really wish I’d known sooner, and that’s why Dan & I have created a ton of resources specifically for stepfamilies who are dealing with a nightmare ex. Start by reading THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HIGH-CONFLICT CO-PARENTING. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Today’s episode is for stepparents who are also parents: the more we lose ourselves in the stepparenting role, the more our kids lose us too.

We can’t get so wrapped up in the challenges and drama of stepfamily life that our own kids get lost in the shuffle. I have oh so very many regrets about my first decade of stepmotherhood, but the thing I regret the most is losing myself so much in the stepparenting role that my daughter lost me for a while there too.

This is a topic that’s far bigger than I can cover in a daily pep talk, and in fact I wrote an entire blog post about it: PROTECTING OUR BIO KIDS FROM STEPFAMILY DRAMA

Anyway. You know how on airplanes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first? Even before you help your kid, you’re supposed to help yourself? They tell you that because they know you are the most likely person to help your kid, therefore you need to make sure to get your oxygen mask on PRONTO.

Stepfamily life, especially in high conflict, can feel an awful lot like an airplane going down in flames. So please: do put your own oxygen mask on first.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com