Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

If you're dealing with parental alienation and the idea of a light at the end of the tunnel feels like an impossible dream, don't give up! No matter how hard everything is right now, your family will keep evolving and changing. What you're living right now isn't necessarily your forever.

Alienated kids deeply want their targeted parent to see through their act and keep trying, keep right on loving them just the same… even as they insist that’s the opposite of what they want and continue pushing you away.

Just because you can’t see any positive results right now doesn’t mean your efforts to keep connecting with your alienated kid or stepkid are wasted.

Things with my stepkid started out with high conflict and evolved into full-on parental alienation. Our relationship with her was already challenging, but things got SO MUCH WORSE than I ever could've imagined.

But you know what, eventually we came out okay on the other side... even if reaching the other side took a decade. We have our rocky past and there are many wounds that are still healing. But there's genuine love there, too. And love always wins out over hate. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Stepfamily life, even at its happiest and simplest, is still far more complex than a first family.

It's easy to compare a blended family with a traditional family and think crap, this looks reallllly different. We must be failing. But we're not. Different is not "lesser than"— it's just different.

Constantly wishing things were easier and less complicated in our blended families doesn’t make them easier or less complicated. And fixating on that kind of wishful thinking keeps us stuck. Keeps us from appreciating our family how we are, not as we wish we were. And our stepfam as we are might be messy, but it’s also kind of awesome in its messiness.

Maybe that sounds overly optimistic, but… okay, I mean, how cool is it that we piled a bunch of complete strangers together and made a family? It's DAMN COOL, you guys! Even when that definition of "family" doesn't quite line up with what I always imagined in my head.

Appreciate what is. Practice acceptance. And you'll find your own pocket of awesome somewhere in all that complicated messy stepfamily dynamic.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

The ex only has as much power as we’re willing to give them.

Like the Wizard of Oz, a high-conflict ex is actually just a scared little person behind a curtain who uses lots of smoke and mirrors to intimidate us.

Once we stop buying into the story that the ex is all-powerful and in charge of everything, we can create better boundaries, reclaim our own power, and restore sanity within ourselves and our households.

Don’t let a high-conflict ex talk you out of your right to parent, or your right to create firm boundaries that protect yourself and your blended family from yet more drama.

Typical co-parenting rules don’t apply when the ex is high conflict. For a more effective approach, go read our 10 Commandments of high-conflict co-parenting. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

It’s ironic that stepparents are so often accused of not loving our stepkids like our own. In my experience, having talked to thousands of stepparents over the years, it’s far more common for us to care too much about our stepkids. Sometimes even to our own detriment.

If our stepkids don’t seem to like us, we keep trying and trying and trying to win them over. If we see that they’re struggling without structure and guidance, we come in with rules and boundaries in an attempt to help. Yet no matter how good our intentions may be, our stepkids just might not be ready for a relationship with us right now. They might not want anything to do with what we’re bringing to the table. In which case, it’s actually okay to step back a little.

Or as we call it here in the stepparent-sphere: disengage. Disengaging is more about letting go of your own expectations for how you wish your stepkid would act than it is not caring about your stepkids. And taking that step back can also be a solution to our own burnout as stepparents.

Disengaging is the natural counterbalance to realizing we have over-engaged. Not because we don’t care about our stepkids, but because we start to wonder if maybe we can best serve our stepkids' interests in a completely different way than we originally envisioned. It’s not ending your relationship with your stepkids — it’s the start of a different way to relate to your stepkid.

To learn how you taking a step back might actually help your stepfamily, start by reading the Disengaging Essay.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

There's no set standard for blended families — stepfamilies are very different from each other due to hugely varying factors like visitation schedules, the kids’ ages, how many kids, whether both partners have kids, how the in-laws handle the new partner, how the ex factors in, etc.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Step 1 in blending a family is for you and your partner to work on relaxing your definitions about how you believe blended family life "should" look... including what a stepparent's role "should" be. We mistakenly base our goal for stepfamily life on traditional family dynamics, when those dynamics don't apply to most blended families.⠀⠀

What works for you might not work for the next parent/stepparent, and your blended family life might look nothing like the life of another blended family. And that’s okay! We’re all trailblazers here.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself to other stepparents or parents or blended families... and especially don’t compare yourself to a traditional family.

Instead, try to embrace the chaotic awesomeness that's your life now and know that messy is normal in a stepfamily. And honestly, messy can be pretty fun once you learn to go with it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I know that we stepparents, as outsiders, can see all kinds of parenting gaps in the lives of our stepkids. And we can also see all the special gifts our stepkids have... special gifts that are getting lost or destroyed in those parenting gaps.⠀⠀

Because we view ourselves as responsible adults, we think it's our job to step in and help make things better. After all, we want our stepkids to grow into the best possible versions of themselves, right? So we volunteer to help take over parenting duties our partner has missed or forgotten or doesn't think are important. Little things, like enforcing table manners or bedtimes.

We think this shouldn't be a big deal. We think we're helping.

Except for one tiny little thing: it IS a big deal to our stepkids. They don't understand our efforts come from a place of love — they think we're just being critical. And what started out as our very best intentions can end up backfiring.

But maybe it’s not our job to “fix” our stepkids in the first place. Figuring out our role as stepparents is a process, and what ends up working best might look very verrrry different than we expected.

If you’re a stepparent who’s wrestling with parenting vs not parenting your stepkid, go read the Disengaging Essay. It’s no exaggeration to say that essay literally changed my life, including changing how I viewed my role as a stepparent. I’ll link it right in the show notes.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

All unrealistic expectations to the contrary, the truth is… you probably aren't gonna love your stepkid out of the gate. Which is totally okay — they're probably not gonna be your biggest fans on Day 1 either, which is also totally okay. All that matters is your willingness to keep showing up and doing your best. And by that, I don't mean kill yourself trying, either. Give 'em space when they need space, and give yourself space too.

Blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average, which means you & your stepkid getting used to each other can (and probably will) take LITERALLY YEARS. Now, that might feel like a daunting number, but an optimist might say what it really means is that you’ve got plenty of time to figure out your relationship.

Expecting love at first sight with your stepkid is just as unlikely as expecting it from a romantic partner. So along the way, take lots of deep breaths, take plenty of breaks, and keep pacing yourself. You’ve got this. xo

For a deeper understanding of what the process of feeling comfortable in your role and how your relationship with your stepkid might continue evolving, this is a good place to start: ➡️ THE 7 STAGES OF BECOMING A STEPPARENT 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

The experts say that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average, but add some high conflict to the mix and that number jumps up to 10+ years.

I know that's a bleak statistic, but I'm actually sharing this info to give you hope in case you’ve been wondering why all of this feels soooo friggin hard — like every day is a brand new 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. You’re probably not imagining it.

So I wanted to let you know: it’s not just you. It’s the situation. When the ex is high conflict, the natural process of blending your family can feel like it gets set back over and over again with each new battle between households.

All of this can change when your partner has solid boundaries with the ex, which can help minimize the fallout. But even if your partner is not great at that (mine definitely wasn’t), you are not powerless in all this. Here’s a blog to help: ➡️ 4 WAYS STEPPARENTS CAN PROTECT THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH IN HIGH CONFLICT 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Your partner needs to serve as the connection between you and your stepkid. If they’re not acting as a bridge, then you can find yourself standing on the wrong side of the chasm.

You can't stand alone as a stepparent; it's not all on you to "just try harder" with your stepkid. The entire success or failure of your blended family does NOT land entirely on you!⠀⠀

Stepparenting is an ecosystem, not an island. You absolutely need your partner's help figuring out your place in this new family you're creating together. The role of the primary parent in a blended family has to be an active one, not a passive one. 

If you're struggling to connect with your stepkids and your partner just doesn't get it, my husband Dan & I put together a guide to help with that: ➡️ How to Actually Blend: The Missing Instruction Manual for Stepcouples. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Your partner’s ex doesn’t get to dictate what happens at your house. No matter how big and scary they come across, no matter how convinced they are that they’re in the right and you’re in the wrong.

If the custody order doesn’t give them a say in your day-to-day life, guess what: they do not get a say in your day-to-day life. Healthy co-parenting works like a business partnership: the co-parents are equal partners in the business of raising a kid together. Neither one gets to call all the shots.

Just like co-workers, co-parents coordinate together on goals and deadlines as needed, but the specifics of how each department is run should be left entirely up to its respective department head.

In other words: your house, your rules. Their house, their rules.⠀

Need more specific help managing a difficult relationship with a high-conflict ex? Start with our 10 Commandments of High Conflict Co-Parenting. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com