Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

One of my biggest stepparenting frustrations was feeling blocked in my ability to make changes for the better in the life of my stepkid. Yet — trying to parent my stepkid ended up causing stress and friction between me and my stepkid AND between me and my partner. And when that happens, it’s probably time to disengage.

It’s not that you shouldn’t care how your stepkids are raised — obviously you care, otherwise you wouldn't be out here listening to a stepparenting podcast. But no matter how much you care about your stepkids, your power to enact any real change in their lives is going to be largely determined by how much your partner supports you in the stepparenting role... or how much they don't.

If you’d love for your partner to support you but they’re unaware you need that from them, go check out the guide that Dan & I put together: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 It’s for both of you to go through together to hopefully get on the same page. But if you’re already feeling really frustrated or resentful about your stepparenting efforts going unrecognized, I also recommend reading the Disengaging Essay. Because you need your partner’s support for sure, but you probably also need to redefine your role a little to figure out what’s working and what’s not working. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in stepfamily life that we forget there's a big wide world beyond our blended family bubble. We can try so hard to be good stepparents that we end up losing track of who and what we are outside of our stepparenting role.

When we define ourselves only by how much our stepkids like us (or whether they like us at all), or whether we feel like we’re “blended” yet, we're selling ourselves short on every possible level.

Never forget that you are a whole, complete, and worthy person just as you are, regardless of what grade you're giving yourself as a stepparent. Or what grade your stepkid or partner gives you.

Just showing up today makes you awesome. There's plenty of people out there who wouldn't even bother doing that.

For a little homework today, I’d love if you send me a DM sharing at least one awesome thing you are besides a stepparent. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

We tell our kids that big emotions feel scary, but that’s actually just as true for us grownups. Stepparenting is overwhelming a surprising percentage of the time. No matter how committed you are to building your blended family, you cannot be all in, all the time without some kind of pressure relief valve.

Sometimes the only way to deflate all the seriousness down into a more manageable size is to poke some fun at the whole mess. Crack more jokes. Tease your partner a bit. Tease the kids a bit. I mean, don't invalidate anyone; there's a line between teasing and mean girling that shouldn’t be crossed. But we can’t let ourselves get so tightly wound about making everyone happy, or making sure everything is perfect and everyone gets along that we end up feeling stiff, stifled, and resentful.

Humor can help tip the scales away from anger and toward regaining a balanced perspective. Make room for the absurdity of it all — lord knows most of this shit is funny in a dark humor kind of way if we can bring ourselves to laugh at it.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Today’s pep talk is simple. I just want you to know you are not alone.

You're not.

As isolated as you may feel, as many cheerleading posts about stepparenting that you might read (and then feel guilty that you don't feel like a cheerleading kinda stepparent), know that stepparenting being hard is also normal.

It took me years of feeling frustrated, stuck, and lonely AF before I finally figured out how to feel okay within my blended family, and okay with my role as a stepmom.

Some folks may waltz gracefully into stepparenthood with no problems whatsoever, but I promise you they are NOT the majority. The majority looks more like… drowning in mixed feelings 24/7, not feeling sure of what the right or wrong way to do ANYTHING is, and generally beating your head against a brick wall.

If that sounds like you, welcome! I’m glad you found your way here. If you’re looking to connect with other stepparents in the same boat, we’d love it if you’d join our Substack support community. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

You can’t coparent with someone who won’t compromise. If you're continually bending over backwards trying to make reasonable accommodations while the other co-parent keeps making unilateral decisions and refusing to meet you even close to halfway, I've got news for you: that's not co-parenting. That's you getting manipulated.

All the advice about peaceful co-parenting assumes that both people involved are reasonable adults who truly have their child's best interests at heart. And honestly, most of us believe that about even our most difficult exes too. So when the typical co-parenting advice doesn't work for us, we think WE’RE the ones who must be failing. Like maybe we just need to try harder & compromise more.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

NOPE. If you're dealing with someone who is high-conflict, all the rules change. They don’t care about keeping the kids out of the middle. Their goal for “co-parenting” is to get you to go along with their program, not work together.

I'm not saying that means you should be difficult right back, but do understand that however much you give, it’s never gonna be enough for someone who is high conflict... unless you're willing to give up absolutely everything and then some. So please stop compromising and stand your ground instead. This blog shares some tips to get you started: ➡️ 5 co-parenting tips that won’t work with a high-conflict ex (...and what to do instead) 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

We all understand that becoming a parent is a major adjustment, yet we expect stepparents to become instant experts in their role. And by “we” I mean society, but also including ourselves. We seem to hold ourselves to this ridiculous standard — like we’re not gonna make mistakes, or there won’t be a learning curve.

For me, I was already a parent when I became a stepparent, so it never occurred to me just how different stepparenting could be. I mean our kids were even the same age for pete’s sake. I thought it’d be like, just add one more kid to the mix, no big deal.

So today’s pep talk is for all you stepparents, especially newer stepparents and pre-stepparents: pretend you're the parent of a brand new baby and give yourself the same kind of grace: get lots of sleep, accept help when it's offered, and if you need help but someone hasn’t offered, then ask. Most importantly, pace yourself! Know that the super hard beginning part isn't always how stepparenting will look or feel. Hang in there. You’ve got this.

And if you need a little extra support along the way, go read my stepparenting survival guide for the CliffsNotes version of what you need to know. Or come join our support group in Substack. You can also send me a text message right through a magical link in the show notes. xo

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but please feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

If your partner’s ex is high conflict, limiting how much contact you have with them can also limit the potential for drama.

When I saw how ridiculous Dan’s relationship was with his ex, I thought most of the conflict between houses could be pretty easily resolved through clearer communication. I’m a great communicator, so naturally I stepped in to help. That… did not go well. 😱 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️

As outsiders, stepparents have an ability to pretty clearly see the main co-parenting issues between households. Better than our partners a lot of the time, in fact! So we think we can and should step in to help wherever we can, because that’s what’s best for the kids and our families, right?

Those intentions come from the best place. And I know it seems like by reaching out in a friendly casual kind of way to your stepkid’s other parent, surely you could get through when your partner can’t. You’re basically a neutral third party; you see both sides, you really do!

Please listen to me when I say: set those good intentions down and back away slowly. No amount of friendly outreach is gonna de-escalate a high-conflict ex who’s hell-bent on staying bitter and angry due to their own issues.

Stepparents are not responsible for managing post-divorce conflict between houses. It’s not your job to act as an ambassador between your partner and their high-conflict ex. Your job is to support your partner while they deal with this difficult person that they had a child with. Pretend the ex is your partner’s work problem: listen and sympathize all day long, but try not to get emotionally involved.

That said, if you wanna come vent about all this in a safe space, you’d be very welcome in our private Substack community! You can even sign up under a fake name to protect your anonymity if your partner’s ex is a litigious nightmare. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Becoming a stepparent gave me PTSD. And I do mean PTSD in the literal, clinical sense, as in diagnosed by an actual counselor.

Living under the constant conflict between houses and never-ending uncertainty of where the next attack might be coming from turned my existing anxiety issues into a full-blown trauma response. Which it’s taken me years to heal from.

I’m telling you this in case you yourself feel triggered by your partner’s ex or your stepkid. If you’re like “Why the hell is my heart going like a jackhammer every single transition day” — you too might have complex post-traumatic stress disorder from becoming a stepparent.

That’s how serious the stress of stepfamily life can be, particularly when there’s high conflict. So I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I have a whole blog post where I talk about my experiences in more detail: ➡️ Becoming a stepmom gave me PTSD 👀

And if you’re one of our paid subscribers on Substack, you also have access to my high conflict stepparenting workshop, where I go into a lot more depth about how why stepparents end up finding ourselves here in PTSD land, and how we can get ourselves the hell out. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Knowing Dan had a kid and knowing what I was getting into are two totally different things, it turns out.

It’s not that I made the decision to become a stepparent without thinking about it. I honestly thought I knew EXACTLY what I was signing up for, especially since I already had a kid myself. (Famous last words, right?)

Turns out that helping someone else raise a kid that's not yours comes with a whole lot of strings and baggage that are wayyyyy more complex than any of us realize at the beginning of this journey.

And you know what? Feeling overwhelmed by just how different your vision of blending a family is compared to the reality of blending a family is totally normal and totally okay. Struggling to find your place and figure out what your role is really supposed to be doesn't mean you're failing. This job is hard by default.

If you’re feeling lonely or like you’re struggling or just wish you could connect with other stepparents who get it, that’s exactly what we offer in our private support community on Substack. You’ll get access to a private chat where you can vent in a safe space, you can ask me & Dan whatever questions you like or for tips and advice, and you’ll also get access to a ton of in-depth resources on everything from transition day tips to how to create effective boundaries with a high-conflict ex. We’d love you have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

One person in a relationship sitting back and expecting the other do all the work is never okay. And that goes double in a stepfamily.

I can't believe how many stories I've heard from stepparents who are accused of not doing 'enough' by their partners… and yet their partner, the actual parent, REFUSES TO PARENT.

This is some serious bullshit, folks. Stepparents should not be expected to parent more than their stepkid's actual parent!!

I mean if you want to and you're happy doing that and you being in that role works for everyone, terrific. But if you're worn out and resentful and frustrated and STILL your partner expects you to step in and handle the lion's share of the adulting and parenting... that is not okay, and you are WAY overdue to disengage.

Start by reading the Disengaging Essay. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com