Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

Society really doesn’t like stepparents, so coming into this role can feel intimidating. Or like we have something to prove, like we are NOT like those bad stepparents. We’re the GOOD stepparents. But do not let society or the ex or even your partner try to marginalize you or the stepparenting role.

Our role as stepparents is critical. We contribute to our families-by-choice in positive and vital ways. And unfortunately, it falls on us to educate all the haters out there about it.

So let's learn to collectively laugh our asses off at the people who tell us we're overstepping when we do TOTALLY NORMAL STEPPARENTING THINGS like helping with homework or showing up at our stepkid’s soccer game.

Let's all roll our eyes at the idiots who say we're mean, wicked, or coming down too hard when we give our stepkids the SAME RULES we'd give our own kids.

Above all, let's stop second-guessing ourselves about all this, and just be ourselves. Fully, completely, and unapologetically.

If you’re looking for a place where you’ll supported as a stepparent instead of judged, please come join our Substack community. The chat room is super helpful, you’ll get access to a ton of in-depth resources, and you can ask me and Dan anything during our weekly Q&A sessions. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

My stepkid had a real thing for ketchup when she was younger, borderline addiction. I’m talking, putting-ketchup-on-lasagna level of ketchup. She also had problems with acid stomach and wasn’t supposed to be eating too much tomato-based things.

Dan sometimes remembered to limit her ketchup intake, but mostly not. The inconsistency drove me crazy, so I took on ketchup rule enforcement myself. Because that’s what a responsible stepparent would do right?

Omg you guys. We had so many fights over ketchup. The ketchup thing caused drama and frustration constantly. And I’d tell myself, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes my stepkid hate me and hate coming to our house. But I couldn’t let go of trying to get her to eat less ketchup.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized, the ketchup was one of the seemingly small, simple things I thought I could control. Meanwhile we had real problems like my stepkid petitioning the court to spend less time with us because her mom was brainwashing her. So when faced with big, scary, overwhelming issues I didn’t have the first idea how to handle it was a whole lot easier to focus on ketchup.

The thing is, ketchup was one of the small, simple things my stepkid could control too. Because she too was faced with big, scary, overwhelming problems she had no idea how to handle. So in hindsight, I wish I would’ve just let her eat herself sick on ketchup if that’s what she needed to feel better about her world.

Sometimes it makes sense to pick your battles and let the small stuff go. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Becoming a stepparent does not negate the needs and feelings we have as individuals. And yet, so many of our partners seem to think we shouldn’t have those needs or feelings… or at least that we should be perfectly content putting ourselves and our relationship needs dead last, apparently forever.

This is not sustainable.

Relationships need time and attention, and so do we as individuals. Yes, the kids are important — but so are you, and so is your romantic relationship, and so is this future you’re trying to create together. You can’t build a life (or a blended family) out of leftovers.

A partner who continues bending over backwards to make their kids and/or their ex happy while continually sliding you to the back burner is a partner who’s making choices that are aligned with the former family rather than your new stepfamily.

Your relationship is the foundation of your blended family and can’t be treated like an afterthought if it’s going to survive. Understanding this is so important I have an entire blog post on it: ➡️ WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT THE KIDS) SHOULD COME FIRST IN A STEPFAMILY 👀

You are your own person with needs outside of being a stepparent, and you are completely, totally, 100% allowed to express those needs. You also deserve to have those needs met. And being a stepparent does not change that.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Since most of us have never been stepparents before, learning to recognize what's typical for life in a stepfamily vs. what's a red flag is a bit of a learning curve.

For example, it’s normal for your stepkids to act out because they're kids and life in two homes is tough and they don’t like a stepparent’s rules. It’s even normal for your stepkids to not want you around whatsoever. But it’s a red flag if your stepkid is acting out because your partner’s ex is actively turning them against you.

Or to take another example, last-minute schedule changes between houses is frustrating for sure, but there’s a big difference between a last-minute scramble due to life being a normal level of messy and unpredictable compared to reluctantly agreeing to schedule changes cause the ex is bullying you or your partner, or they’re withholding visitation.

Either way, blending your family will take time and a lot of education and re-education: for yourself, your partner, and your stepkids. And through the process of learning what normal stepfamily dynamics look like, you’ll also learn what’s not typical. Which is equally important, because if the ex is high conflict, that really changes the way you need to approach blending.

Here’s a great place to start: ➡️ HELP FOR HIGH CONFLICT 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

If you think your blended family will never feel like a "real" family, first of all you’re not alone. But secondly, don’t give up!

It’s officially autumn here in the northern hemisphere right now, the air is getting colder and the world is getting quieter as the birds head south and critters start hibernating.

Fall is not a time for planting new things, with one exception: bulbs, like tulips and irises. And it’s such a metaphor for blending a family, because you’re taking this dead-looking nubbly brown thing and sinking it down in the dirt right when your garden is looking its most pitiful — all the green of summer is gone and the fall colors haven't come in yet. You plant your bulb, then a month or so later, the first frost will come, followed by snow and the long deep freeze.

No gardener spends the winter glaring at where they planted that bulb like "Why isn't this thing a damn tulip yet?" They know the bulb needs time. They know that bulb doing its thing the only way a bulb knows how, and it’s gonna throw out green shoots and fancy flowers when the time is right. But that time is not right now.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I know I’ve said this a million times throughout these pep talks, but I’m gonna say it again: Be patient. Have faith. Blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average — ON AVERAGE — and 10+ in high-conflict situations.

So if you're a year or two in, or even like 4-5 years in and your family still isn't really gelling and you're feeling hopeless, I promise that’s super normal. Keep breathing. Remind yourself that not everyone in a stepfamily blends at the same pace, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get there. Becoming a tulip takes time!

Something that would’ve been really helpful for me is understanding more about the process of blending. Like okay sure it takes 5 to 7 years, but what’s happening during those 5 to 7 years? If you feel the same way, you should go read this: ➡️ The 3 phases (& 7 stages) of blending your family 👀⠀⠀⠀⠀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Parental alienation affects your stepkid’s ability to form loving bonds… including bonding with their stepparent.

Alienated kids can develop a specific set of characteristics that also make them hard to warm up to... like acting cold, rejecting you & your partner, lying between houses, and many more than I could share in a short daily podcast.

So if you're beating yourself up for struggling to love your alienated stepkid the way you think you should — please stop! Alienated kids make themselves unlovable on purpose so they can reinforce the narrative they're telling themselves: that you don't like them, the targeted parent doesn't really love them, they're unhappy at your home, you're bad parents, and so on. They’re pushing you away ON PURPOSE.

If you've experienced alienation as a stepparent, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've got an entire resource guide on parental alienation right here that I really encourage you to read. The best defense against parental alienation begins with education & documentation, but love and not giving up are pretty damn important too. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xo

Stepparents, if you're feeling stressed out and frazzled, please know that you're allowed to TAKE. A STEP. BACK. Burning yourself out only makes it that much harder to stay grounded and sane. Two things you kinda sorta really need if you wanna to keep your head above water while you're blending your family!

We live in a culture that glorifies pushing ahead at all costs, ignoring our own needs in an effort to “succeed,” and pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. None of this is sustainable in a blended family, which really needs to be treated more like training for a marathon: you’ve got to pace yourself.

A burned-out stepparent isn’t doing their family (or themselves!) any favors. Take a break if you need one, folks. And if you need support along the way, we have an awesome community over on Substack for our paid subscribers, along with a ton of resources to help make this stepparenting thing as painless as possible. Or at least, to help you survive with most of your sanity intact. We’d love to have you. xo

➡️ JOIN THE COMMUNITY! 🤩

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xo

For inexplicable reasons, many of the people around stepparents seem to think that we shouldn’t feel stressed or overwhelmed by this role just because we chose this — because we knew our partners had kids.

When a person feels stressed about starting a new job, no one says "Well, you applied for this position. YOU knew what you were getting into." We give them sympathy, encourage them along the way, and support them as they face those learning curves.

What if we supported stepparents the same way? Because sure, I knew Dan had a kid when we got together. But did that make me automagically prepared for every challenge stepparenting would bring? OF COURSE NOT.

When people become parents, we say things like “Let me know if you need anything! You must be exhausted! Here’s a casserole!” (Or rather, a hotdish, if you’re from Minnesota like I am.) But when people become stepparents, we get judgement and lectures. And because most of us already feel guilty about not loving this role, we internalize that shit and think maybe we’re just not cut out for this.

Finding more support as stepparents begins with with us. I mean, let’s just start by judging ourselves less, you know?

And then, let’s gently educate the folks around us: knowing our partners had kids already and knowing what we were getting into are two different things. Stepparents could use a whole lot more support and a whole lot less judgement.

Reminder: if you’re looking for more support yourself, you should come join our private Substack community. I’m for sure biased, but I think it’s the best stepparenting support group I’ve ever had the privilege to be part of. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Again and again and again I'd try to win my stepkid over. I followed all the usual stepparenting advice: show an interest in their interests, take it slow, try not to take their rejection personally.

And nada. Zilch. Nothing.

I started getting desperate. I thought I could get her to like me if I acted differently. So I acted differently. Which didn't work. So then I acted a different differently. Still nothing.

I started dreading visitation weeks because I knew that meant I’d be second-guessing every single thing I said, every conversation taking place on eggshells. I felt awkward and inhibited around my stepkid. I’d bite my tongue all day, then at night lie awake replaying every mistake I made and wondering how I could fix it the next day.

No matter what I tried, my stepdaughter kept rejecting me, and every rejection chipped more of my self-esteem into sawdust. Because of a 10yo kid, my friends. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So, a few lessons from this I’d love to pass along and hopefully save you from a similar level of burnout:

That stepparenting advice tends to gloss over the part about how it can take years for you and your stepkid to feel comfortable around each other.

Typical stepparenting advice doesn’t apply when the ex is high conflict, because those dynamics can seriously mess up the normal blending process.

Your stepkid not liking you really isn’t personal, and them rejecting you typically means they’re not ready for a relationship with you yet — and that’s because of what they’re going through, not because of you. Even if you were Mary Poppins, your stepkid would probably find some reason not to like you if they’re determined enough.

In other words, you can probably stop walking on eggshells and go back to being yourself. Go ahead and give your stepkid some space, and give yourself some space too. You’ll both feel better for it. Remember, it takes 5 to 7 years to blend a family. You’ve got all the time in the world to figure out the stepparent-stepkid relationship.

In the meantime, this blog might help: ➡️ Why does my stepkid hate me? 6 reasons why stepkids reject stepparents 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

It shouldn’t be a newsflash to say kids of divorce still need parenting… AND YET, that is the topic of today’s pep talk.

A child's parents not being together anymore does not negate the reality that kids need structure. They need a regular routine. They need guidance from the adults around them. All of this helps kids feel safe and secure.

However, many single parents feel guilty about giving their kids rules, or correcting poor behavior. They think they’re doing their kids a favor — giving them a break, taking it easy on them.

Except, when kids are living in a world without structure, routine, or age-appropriate expectations, they're actually likely to feel MORE stressed, not LESS stressed. Kids feel reassured by predictability; without knowing what to expect, they start worrying that no one's really in charge.

How do we reassure them? By parenting them. This is the gift we can give them to help them grow into responsible, grounded, self-confident adults.

If your partner is on the permissive parent train and doesn’t understand this, Dan & I are happy to be the ones who deliver that message. Sometimes it’s easier for our partners to hear this from an outsider instead of from us, the stepparents. So grab your partner and go check out our guide: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 We talk about a lot of essentials for blending a family, including why kids need parenting. We really hope it helps! xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com