Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

It's human nature to want to defend yourself against false accusations, fight for equality and justice, and right the wrongs you see. It's also human nature to think to yourself "If I can just show them that I'm not the bad guy" and believe that'll somehow fix everything.

But you don’t have to prove yourself to the ex (or anyone else, for that matter) for your role to be valid and your contributions as a stepparent to matter.

The ex’s emotional reaction to your presence in your stepkid’s life is not your responsibility to manage. You have every right to take up space in your own life, and in this family you’re trying to build together with your partner. Don’t let a volatile ex’s tantrums convince you otherwise.

That said, if your partner’s ex is high conflict, their dysfunction and drama can have a major impact on your family’s ability to blend, as well as your ability to connect with your stepkids. If you need help navigating this, please go check out my workshop on stepparenting in high conflict. It’s included with your subscription if you’re part of our paid Substack community, but if you want to sign up for a free trial to just check us out, that workshop along with all our other in-depth resources are all accessible during that week or month or however long your free trial runs. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Stepparenting in a nutshell reads like one long list of confusing contradictions. You’re supposed to be involved, but not so much so you’re overstepping. You need to give your stepkids space, but not so much that it seems like you don’t care. You need to be realistic about the role you’re taking on as a stepparent, yet optimistic enough to keep on truckin’ when the road gets dicey.

And along the way, you’ll also feel powerless over the crap you can't change — which is pretty much everything. You'll feel like your partner's kids don't want you around — and you might be right. You'll feel compelled to defend your choices to everyone from your mom to your partner's ex to strangers on the street. ("They're just my boyfriend's kids, I swear! I had nothing to do with their upbringing!")

In short, as a stepparent, you’re accomplishing impossible, superhuman feats on the daily, and just about every decision you make feels counterintuitive and upside-down. So don't beat yourself up too much for thinking this shit is hard. It feels hard because it's hard.

If you’d love to shorten your learning curve a little, go read my free stepparenting survival guide. It’s a great place to start getting clear about this oftentimes mystifying role. And if you’d love some extra support along the way, please come join our Substack community! We have a private chatroom where you can connect with other stepparents who get it, along with a ton of resources to help get you sorted. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Let me know if this cycle sounds familiar: The ex makes a unilateral co-parenting decision >> that decision interferes with your parenting time or otherwise conflicts with your morals, ethics, and values >> they know this and move ahead anyway >> you decide enough is enough and say you're not going along with it >> then THEY accuse YOU of putting the kids in the middle.

If this sounds wayyy too familiar, please listen when I say: co-parenting takes two, but keeping a kid in the middle only takes one. Sticking to your boundaries does NOT put your kids in the middle; if you're co-parenting with a high conflict ex, your kids are ALREADY in the middle.

The best way to protect your kids and stepkids from high conflict is by holding firm to your boundaries, not bending over backwards more. For help understanding the “why” behind this, please go read ➡️ THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HIGH-CONFLICT CO-PARENTING 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

When we've become way too used to compromising our own values, beginning to say no sometimes can feel selfish. Boundaries and self-care can feel selfish.

Prioritizing our mental health isn’t selfish, though; it’s us returning to ourselves after way too much time spent erasing our voice in an attempt to keep the peace — at home and between houses — taking care of everyone except ourselves.

This stepfamily and this future you’re trying to build? It doesn’t work without you. And to survive within your blended family, you cannot continually carve bits of yourself away to try and fit better. You cannot continually deny yourself the care and support you need and deserve to function.

Today, try to elbow some time out for yourself. Listen to your inner voice and give yourself what you need for a change. As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Has anyone else noticed that way too many stepparenting resources act like stepparents are child-hating morons who have never interacted with a single kid in our lives? I remember reading books that seriously said shit like "Listen, you're dating someone with a kid, so you might have to get used to Friday night soccer games instead of candlelit dinners." And I was like... ummm YES OBVIOUSLY. 🤦🏻‍♀️

There seems to be some unspoken assumption that if a stepparent & stepkid don't get along or if we think stepparenting is hard, it's gotta be because the stepparent doesn't get kids, isn't used to kids, or doesn't like kids. Turns out those aren’t necessarily related. Like… at all.

Speaking as a total kid person, I can tell you that even when you're a total kid person, stepparenting can be really really really challenging, for MANY reasons. If you like kids, then yes, you have one less hurdle to overcome. But one less hurdle out of a bajillion or so isn't a huge head start.

You and your stepkids learning to like each other is a years-long process, and there are no shortcuts to make it happen faster... not even when you're already a kid person. You just gotta hang in there and put in the time. If you need some help along the way, go read my stepparenting survival guide for a little cheat sheet, or come join our support community in Substack. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Every parent needs a break from parenting once in a while, and that includes stepparents.

Typically, society doesn’t accuse parents who need a break of hating their kids. Yet society loves to imply there’s something wrong with a stepparent who needs a break.

Today’s pep talk is to remind you that you’re allowed to take time off from your stepkids, just like any other parent, and taking that break does not make you a bad stepparent who hates your stepkids. Because just like any other parent, stepparents run the risk of overdoing and burnout if we don't take a step back once in awhile to recharge.

It’s common for stepparents to find ourselves on the verge of burnout because the bar we set for ourselves in this role was way too high to begin with. The standards we expect from ourselves were never realistic or achievable, but we don’t realize that when we’re first starting out. In fact, we might not connect those dots till months or years later when we feel like omg I am exhausted and I cannot deal with visitation this week. What is wrong with me?!

Nothing’s wrong with you. You just need a break. And you’re allowed to take one. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

The time, energy, and effort you pour into the relationship with your stepkid might not be reciprocated. At least, not yet. Then again, possibly not ever. Or else maybe it'll come back to you and then some! 🤷🏻‍♀️

The point is, you JUST NEVER KNOW which way it's gonna go with your stepkid. And that goes double or triple in high conflict, because children of emotionally disordered parents are living in trauma, and that changes everything you thought you knew about connecting with a kid.

I'm not saying you shouldn't try at all or that your efforts are pointless. It's just super important to be realistic along the way. Sometimes going above & beyond to win your stepkids over can have the opposite effect of driving them away. And if that happens, the answer isn't to try harder — it's to give them space and let them come around in their own time, while also accepting that they may NOT come around. For a while anyway.

So much about stepparenthood can feel like a guessing game in uncertainty, so if you wish you had more support and could connect with other stepparents who get it, we would love for you to join our support community in Substack. We have a private chat room for venting, a Q&A session with me & Dan every week, plus you’ll also get access to a ton of in-depth resources. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

The ex being high conflict can have a direct impact on how well you’re able to connect with your stepkid. If your stepkid's other home is dysfunctional or abusive, then even their most basic interpretations of love, belonging, or family could be very different from yours. Maybe more different than you’d ever guess.

So don't blame yourself if you're struggling to connect with your stepkid... but do educate yourself on the impact of childhood abuse and trauma so you understand how those might manifest in your stepkid.

Most of all, make sure YOU'RE getting the support YOU need along the way. As always, we’ve gotta make sure we’re putting our own oxygen masks on first.

For a more in-depth look at the impact of high conflict on the stepparenting role, including your ability to blend at all, please go check out my workshop on high conflict stepparenting. It’s free for our paid subscribers on Substack, but you can sign up for a free trial and watch it that way too. And if you decide to stick around afterwards, we’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

If your stepkid wants nothing to do with you, please know that's more of a reflection on what you represent to them than it is a commentary on your personality.

Your stepkid doesn't care how great you are. All they care is that you represent change, and change feels scary — especially to kids who are still shaken up from the massive upheaval of the divorce/breakup of their parents.

This makes stepparents the perfect candidates for stepkids to turn into scapegoats. Don’t like what’s for dinner? Blame the stepparent! Grouchy about the conflict between houses and sick of feeling stuck in the middle? Probably that dang stepparent’s fault!

A stepparent gives children of divorce a gift they never had before: a safe target for their unhappiness. Otherwise they'd have to acknowledge a lot of unpleasant truths about their parents, which most kids can't handle.

So if your stepkid's rejecting you, try not to take it personally. I know firsthand that's so much easier said than done. But honestly, these kids will change and grow and mature with time. Most of them will eventually sort out their mixed feelings and at that point your relationship will very likely change for the better. In the meantime, hang in there, keep breathing, and keep right on being your fabulous self. And if you need some extra support along the way, come join our support community in Substack. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com

Custody orders are not a matter of opinion. A parenting plan is an enforceable legal document that protects both parents' legal parenting rights. One parent cannot legally make arbitrary, unilateral decisions that affect the other parent's visitation time; that would be a violation of the custody order. And you have the legal right to report that to the court by filing contempt.

Ideally though, your custody orders shouldn’t be so vague that they leave room for a toxic ex to willfully misinterpret them. A lot of lawyers don’t understand how important this is however, so they keep on writing poorly-worded parenting plans. Yikes. 😱

If your high-conflict ex is a pro at twisting your legal paperwork around so it always seems to work in their favor, please go grab our conflict-reducing parenting plan checklist. Because the ex is NOT in charge of interpreting your custody orders… no matter how much they’d like you to believe otherwise. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com