Welcome To Patchwork

You buy dinner for the table. You also, unprompted, buy everyone a drink. When the "what do we owe you?" messages start arriving that night, are the drinks part of the bill, or have you quietly shouted a round? Christian has a position. Christian also has a running lifetime deficit.

And when you do pay someone back - do you pull up the menu and get it exact, or do you eyeball it and round up? Is it rude to request the money, or rude to make someone ask? Is there anyone out there adding a small margin to the tickets they buy for friends?

Then: you're at someone's house, you've washed your hands, and there is no hand towel. Only theirs. Is a corner enough? Is a hand dryer actually hygienic, or just loud? Is drying your hands on your own trousers a personal failing or the most efficient option available? Dion is very relaxed about all of this, which is the problem.

Plus: the anxiety of the potluck dish, whether you can take credit for something you bought, and the man who arrives at a family-friendly lunch asking only one question - where's the esky?

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You find a phone on the footpath. You're fairly sure you know whose it is, you're fairly sure they're already long gone, and you've got a sandwich that isn't getting any fresher. How much of your Sunday afternoon do you owe a stranger? Josh has a story, a timeline, and a defence he's prepared to mount.

Then: a man playing guitar in a gravel car park to an audience of about four, giving it absolutely everything. Christian was there. Christian was also, apparently, the only one clapping. Is silence after a song worse than not tipping at all? Does a performer booked by a market become somebody else's financial responsibility? And if you've stood still for five minutes and enjoyed it, have you entered into a contract?

Josh operates under a private rule about not engaging with street performers at all, which raises the question of what kind of street you actually want to walk down at night. Dion wants enforcement. The group workshops shame, eye contact, and whether a friend should be dispatched into the crowd with a tile and a dollar preloaded. Also: is a jar a real tipping vessel, or has that never once happened?

Plus: tipping for effort rather than quality, the water-quality objection to windscreen washers at the lights, and Dion's first ever attempt at beatboxing, which was requested and should not have been.

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

0:00 Introduction
0:48 The lime bike and the dropped phone
3:19 What should Josh have done?
7:07 Leaving it against the parking meter
12:35 The Bundoora Community Market busker
14:34 Do you tip him?
17:57 Paying the busker, and the video
20:11 Josh's rule: don't engage
22:02 Enforcing tips and the jar argument
25:59 Dion's beatboxing and bad buskers
28:33 Windscreen washers and the bonus patch tease
29:58 Patreon, YouTube and the patches

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you pump your tyres before a long drive? Josh does - two and a half hours out of town and the mental checklist kicks in, windscreen wipers included. Christian has owned his car for some number of months he'd rather not commit to and has never once checked the pressure. One of these men is doing routine maintenance. The other reckons that if tyre pressure really mattered, you'd see more people doing it at the servo.

Then: who is responsible when you're handed a slice of cake twice the size of everyone else's? Is finishing what's on the plate a virtue or a character flaw? And in a seventeen-person group chat, does the setup deserve the same reactions as the punchline that only existed because of it? Josh got two. Someone else got six. A handshake emoji would have settled it.

Plus: you cancel plans with friends because you're unwell, reschedule for a fortnight's time, then wander out for fresh air and a croissant - and run directly into them. Christian describes it as his worst nightmare playing out in real time. Is a locked-in reschedule enough of an alibi? Is open air a mitigating factor? And how long after a cough are you actually allowed back in public?

Also: what happens to the ovens when a beloved local pizza shop gets bought by a chain, and at what age is it acceptable to first encounter a wonton?

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

How long can you refrain from opening a package delivered to your house? Josh managed several hours and a car trip, which Dion considers admirable restraint and Christian considers a moment that stopped being a moment about a decade ago. Is there any wonder left in a parcel arriving at your door, or have we ordered that feeling out of existence?

And what do you do with a person whose reaction to everything you say is the same small noise? Christian has been thinking about it. Where does sincerity actually live in a conversation — and is there a way to tell someone their work isn't good enough without borrowing authority from someone further up the chain? And can you see your partner's side of an argument while still thinking they're wrong?

How can you tell if a congratulations is genuine? And when you sing along at a party, are you enjoying the song or informing the room that you know it? Christian caught himself mid-performance and hasn't let it go since.

Plus: whether anyone can judge a haircut from the mirror at the back, the mystery of smart hairdryers, and Josh's system for remembering the names of people he's just met. It is written down allll in a note.

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do people think you look your age? Christian's been forced to find out the hard way after a shaving mishap wipes out an entire winter's worth of beard growth in one accidental swipe - and the office small talk that followed was brutal. Does more hair genuinely buy you a few extra years of guessing wrong? And is "you look different" ever actually a compliment?

Then: how much is too much when it comes to eating a meal that's gone slightly wrong? Josh commits to a week of pre-made dinners that turn out to have a distinctly gritty problem, and refuses to let it stand between him and sunk-cost dinner satisfaction. Where's the actual line between "this is fine" and "this needs to go in the bin"?

Finally, a full audit of small talk - who's naturally good at it, whether confidence is doing more work than substance, and Josh's awkward run-in with a very senior colleague that neither party walks away from unscathed. Plus: is it ever appropriate for a stranger to comment on the size of your shopping order?

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Would you eat a piece of gum that's been rattling loose in your pocket for a week? Dion has strong feelings on the matter, plus a backstory involving bulk-buying half a kilo of gum pellets to avoid the little plastic tubs. There's a genuine attempt to establish exactly where the hygiene line sits and whether a hard outer shell is doing any of the work Dion thinks it is.

Then: what actually makes a piece of free stuff worth taking? A branded hoodie, a tiny sample-sized chocolate, a keyring from a movie premiere, a suspiciously political tote bag - a working rulebook is proposed for when a freebie is a genuine win and when it's just future landfill with your name on the guilt trip. Hand-me-downs, it turns out, operate under a completely different set of rules.

Finally, Josh is put on trial over why he hasn't visited Dion's new place yet. Is there a real obligation to see a friend's new house, or is it just inherited social pressure none of us have ever questioned? And is there a statute of limitations on a housewarming?

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Josh admits he doesn't know his grandfather's name. Doesn't know when he was born, doesn't know where he lived. Is that fair enough, or is it something he should know? More clear-cut is Josh never computing that his parents had grandparents. 

Then Josh gets thanked for a birthday gift he had absolutely nothing to do with. His housemate Georgia did all the work, and Josh signed his name on the card. How do you redirect the thanks without making it weird? And are you allowed to accept praise you didn't earn? The boys then design a tiered membership system for group gift contributions, complete with font size proportional to donation.

Plus: when the sun is beaming into someone's eyes during a chat, whose responsibility is it to call it out?

Remember to follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, and Facebook: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

And for a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Are you a rule follower, or is a warning sign more of a suggestion? Josh finds himself stuck behind a temporary fence on a coastal walk while everyone in front of him just strolls straight past it - is that healthy scepticism of authority, or something else entirely? Is a road sign a genuine safety measure, or the government covering its own back? And does "keep off the grass" deserve more respect than any other sign in existence?

That same instinct tests Dion on a much smaller scale - a single "no photos" sign on one table at a busy craft fair - and then in a far more personal way, when he walks out of an accessible toilet to find someone waiting who actually needed it.

Elsewhere, Christian has very strong feelings about what his newborn son should call him, and an equally strong belief that his partner is getting it wrong. 

Plus: the great debate over whether you should split up from your partner while wandering a market, and the particular heartbreak of watching someone drift off mid-way through your favourite scene.

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dion ordered himself something at Hungry Jack's by tacking it onto Josh's order, and Josh has been holding onto the receipt ever since. The boys try to work out whether the principle is worth more than the money ($6.90 to be exact).

Then Christian wants to know: if you change tables at a restaurant, should the same seating order be kept? And should you take your water glass with you when you move tables? What about the menus? What is the waiter's responsibility? 

Plus: Josh is sick of people asking if he has enough leg room in the back of a car. God it must be tough being so tall!

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week. Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Josh has run the numbers on his 40th RSVPs and discovers what every host secretly suspects: a "maybe" is a "no", a non-reply is a "no", and even the yeses can't be trusted.

Then Dion gets pulled into the strange social grey zone between a Marketplace transaction and a friendship. The buyer wants to grab a coffee. Is it a networking move? A genuine friendship bid? And how long can you sit on a reply before silence becomes the answer?

Plus: the awkward etiquette of buying something expensive off a stranger, and where the most reasonable place is to meet.

We upload all our episodes to YouTube so check us out there if you haven't already:  linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon and get a bonus Patch every off week. Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.