July 29, 2025

Were You the Scapegoat or the Golden Child? Understanding Narcissistic Family Roles (And How to Break Free)

20 minutes

Were you the scapegoat, the golden child, or the lost one?

In this episode, we break down the toxic roles in narcissistic families and how they mess with your identity, confidence, and peace—and most importantly, how to break free from them for good.

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Speaker 1 (00:00):

What if the guilt you feel around your family is not your fault, but the result of a system that was built to silence you? In today's episode, we're diving deep into narcissistic family dynamics, what they look like, why you got cast in a role you sure as hell did not sign up for, and how to finely break free without drowning in all that familial guilt. You're not crazy, you're not alone. Look, I'm right here next to you, we, and yes, we are allowed to choose peace over people, even our family, even if it's hard. When we are in these situations, have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dried ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free.

(01:08)

I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. Welcome back, beautiful queens. It is Christy Jade, your guide, your cheerleader, your no nonsense truth teller in my heels. Are you in your heels today? Looking super fly. Alright, so we're talking about something that can hit very deep narcissistic families and yes, grab your tea, your journal, maybe your little inner child because this is going to go deep, but hopefully be healing for you. So often we think abuse equals obvious, yelling, hitting chaos, and it does.

(02:18)

But with some narcissistic families, they can be more covert, more manipulative. They might look functional on the outside, but inside there is favoritism, there's gaslighting, there is emotional neglect, masked as tough love, and there's control dressed up as we just want what's best for you. So if you grew up walking on eggshells constantly trying to earn somebody's love and feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions, that was not healthy love. That's not the love you deserved to have. Okay, so let's talk family role in narcissistic families. Everyone gets cast in a role, like a little play first. There is my personal unfavorite, the golden child. They are almost idolized. You have to walk on eggshells and everyone does. They're an extension of a narcissistic parent's ego, right? They usually can do no wrong in the family's eyes. Then there's the scapegoat. This is the one who gets blamed for everything, often the truth teller or the sensitive one, the empath, and that means also the black sheep.

(03:58)

But in my opinion, it's good to be a black sheep and a narcissistic family. That means you're not like the rest, right? Then there can also be the lost child, invisible, quiet. They kind learn to disappear, to stay safe and out of the chaos of the group. So you didn't choose your role. You adapted to what you had to be to survive in this dynamic. So let's repeat that. You adapted to survive. So it wasn't weakness, it was just what you had to do. And now that you're grown, you don't have to stay stuck in that script. So here's where the guilt trap comes in, but they're family. Let's talk about the biggest tool narcissistic families used to keep you stuck. Ding, ding. Guilt. Guilt.

(04:56)

Things like have you heard this before? You only have one mom. You're so sensitive, right? That's a big one. You're so sensitive, you can't take a joke and I did the best I could. You turned out fine, didn't you? Or family? Is everything family's first blood thicker than water? Not saying any of these things cannot be said in a normal family, but there's a pattern and it is used against you when you are being mistreated. Okay? That's the difference here. So family is not everything. If it costs you your peace, your truth, or very importantly, your safety, right? The real truth is blood does not give someone a pass to mistreat you. I'm going to say that a little louder, fold. The back blood does not give someone a pass to mistreat you. The old, oh, well, that's just how he is or that you hear that in family so much.

(06:04)

That's just how they are. Oh, just ignore it. Oh, he's just crazy. Oh, he is just got a temper. Oh, boys will be boys. It can be girls too. I'm just just doing the he right now. We'll throw some girls in there too. Oh, she's just high maintenance. Oh, she's just a little princess. Oh, she's just on her period there now you don't want to hear about the girl one anymore. No. So you've heard all the excuses that are given for narcissists. So how to start breaking free without swimming around in that guilt. So first, here's what I want you to remember. You are allowed to set boundaries, right? I'm not saying you go cut every single person off and your family and throw 'em and flush 'em, right? You're allowed to set boundaries and you stick. I have a great boundaries course. If you don't know, I also have a freebie boundary guide.

(07:03)

I am going to put in the description of this episode. You need to grab it if you have not grabbed it. It's a very recent creation. A couple of weeks ago I put it out. So go grab that and I also have a course. I'll link that too. That is epic. But if you have trouble setting boundaries, both of those things can help you. But you're allowed to set boundaries even with your family. It's okay. You're allowed to say no even to your mother often, and I know it can be generational too, but that's also an excuse We over, okay?

(07:37)

Oh, they're old. No, no one should treat you like crap. And it's okay to have boundaries and stick to them and give actual consequences. And you're allowed to take space. You're allowed to say, I'm going to back off for a couple of weeks and just get my bearings. You're allowed to go low contact, right? You don't want to go all the way, no contact, that's fine. Go lower contact, give yourself a little more peace, or you are allowed to go no contact in certain situations. If there is someone in your family that is abusive, it is absolutely a thousand percent okay to go no contact. Do you want to set boundaries first and try that out to see so you never have regrets? Yeah, I would. I love to give people chances. Guess what though? You fuck up on some chances. It's a no. And you're allowed to heal.

(08:36)

Even if they don't apologize, even if they don't right their wrongs, it is not about them. This is about you and your journey. This is about you saying, I want peace. I'm deciding I'm not taking their bait. I'm not believing their, I'm saying I am ready to have peace and I'm the rule creator for this relationship, right? That doesn't mean go be abusive to them. That's not what I'm saying here. You don't build boundaries to go be mean to people. No. You build boundaries to protect your peace. Yeah, remind yourself of that because sometimes a lot of us will feel guilty placing boundaries because we are conditioned and told that we are the mean ones. We're being irrational or unreasonable when we're just trying to protect ourselves. So I'm here to tell you, this is about protecting your peace. You're not doing anything to anybody.

(09:48)

You're not controlling anybody. You're controlling yourself and how you handle the situation. So here's a little practical tip for you. Start small. If you haven't heard of my hell yes, hell no list. We'll start small with that. Write down hell yes on one side, hell no on the other. Who makes you feel safe and seen? Who drains you, manipulates you or triggers guilt, right? Just list the people in your family, okay? Start with that. What's working, what's not? And you can go further. You can work with me one-on-one to really get into all of that and help heal that and help change that story without guilt. But you don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace, especially not people who never protected you. Let's say that again, and I'm going to post it on Facebook. I've just said it in that hit, you don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace, especially not the people who never protected you.

(11:04)

We feel like we owe people. That's natural. You're a nice person with a heart and a soul, right? You're probably empathetic. You know what it feels like, but guess what? You're doing nothing wrong by protecting your peace. There's a reason you are here at this point. So what would it feel like to feel that freedom doesn't mean getting there is overnight and easy, but working with me, it can be fun. We can shine our little crowns together. You might feel sad, you might have a little confusion working through it, but over time, I am here. I'm telling you on the other side of for me, I did go no contact with narcissist.

(11:56)

You do feel lighter. You stop second guessing every decision. You breathe deeper, you sleep better, and this is huge. You trust yourself more. You can trust yourself. You build yourself trust. What are you without self-trust? You're living in someone else's damn body. You'll begin to build your chosen family. Let's say you do end up low or no contact with some people. It opens it up for people that deserve your friendship, your relationship, your love. People that lift you up, people that see you and hear you and believe you and give you the benefit of the doubt. Meet you halfway. People that don't confuse and manipulate and gaslight you, people who love you for every part of you as you are and don't project onto you. There's no performance, there's no roles. There's no freaking game. Spider web of crap. That's the kind love that heals you.

(13:13)

That's the kind of love that heals your children and their children and all the generations after. That is true love, and I have that in my life. Do you know how amazing that is to come from a certain part of life where I felt like helpless. That's the only word I can use in this situation. I felt absolutely heartbroken and helpless. I'm trying to be more open and raw here in my podcast because I am a very bubbly, fun personality. But I want you guys to know I get it. I seriously just got choked up. I don't like talking about the dark parts, but I'm supposed to, right? It's part of it. I've done a lot of that work, but I need to bring it to you so you can see. I get it. I've been there. I have been in the dark laying there, praying to God, saying, what do I do?

(14:23)

God, I don't know what to do. I felt like the situation was absolutely impossible. I thought there was no way I could stay in it and no way I could stay, get out of it. It felt absolutely impossible. And I'm here to tell you it's not impossible. It's not. You learn to set boundaries. You do, I think really need support. I got support. I got help with somebody who knows narcissism. So again, I would love to help you through any of this. I will put how to work with me in the description box. This does not have to be something you navigate alone and it should not be something you navigate alone. It is heavy shit. It's heavy shit. It's dark where you're at. But that's the whole point is I want to reach and hold your hand and help you climb out of that mud.

(15:24)

See the light, get to the light, feel that lighter. Can you imagine actually not having that visceral shoulders up all the time? Always second guessing yourself, always waiting for the shoe to drop, not knowing how to navigate the situation. Even if you're lower contact, just not really having a plan, still feeling like up in the air. The balls are up in the air and it's just like a chaotic mess. Imagine feeling peace. Imagine feeling like you are in control. That's what we need for you. You have to feel like you are in control and you trust yourself and no matter what comes at you or what they say or do, you got it. You can handle it and you know what to do. That's how I want to help you feel. That's the light, right? That's that. Ah, just like settled, comfortable at peace, calm.

(16:29)

You get to feel those things. So if you are ready, sign up for a session with me. You got to be ready. Are you ready? So like I said, I have the boundaries guide. I've got the course. If you want to do the real work, sign up. We do our intro session and then there are sessions after that. The intro session. You do not stop there. Sure. It'll give you a little fun feeling. You get like when you go to see a motivational speaker or something, sure you'll have a little kick, not a little pep in your step there. It is a little pep in your step, probably for a couple days. You might learn a couple tools and sure, I do my work to help people and I think it'll help you. These podcasts help you and they're free, right? It's great. But if you want to do transformational, long lasting work, you need to do the work. You need to go deep and you need to be ready and say, yeah, let's do this, queen. Okay? So sign up for your Reclaiming You private session. We're going to help clear that guilt and build a plan, and we are going to go from there because you want this life. It is not meant to struggle. And how old are we?

(18:00)

I mean, what would life look like if you are in the same place five years from now? I know a lot of you say you feel stuck. I'm here to help you get unstuck. That is my job. It is the best thing in the damn world to help unstick my peeps, my queens. So you don't want to be in the same situation. You don't want to be dreading family events. You don't want to be not knowing what to do when the phone rings or the text comes through. You don't want the guilt. You don't want to feel like you want to be a good role model for your kids and have a peaceful, happy life, but there's this disruption and drama and chaos. Come on, we're too old. We're too old for this. I mean, no age should deal with it, but at this stage, it's time to take control of your life, get your power back.

(19:01)

You deserve that, okay? You're not broken because of your family. You are becoming that cycle breaker, the pattern shifter, the one your future self, your kids will thank. That's why you're here. That's why you're on this podcast. Okay? So I see you and you are reclaiming that crown. So go click that link and then don't forget to follow the podcast. So you get the notifications. And on Thursdays we have Thrive in Five, usually related to the Tuesday episodes where there's some delicious body energy healing going on or tools or techniques. It's five minutes. It's just like a bite-sized podcast every Thursday. So you get more tools to help. But if you want that deep transformation, hit that damn link and let's go. I hate that saying, that's so popular. Now let's go. I think I just hate when people are like, yeah, bro, let's go, but let's go Queen. Maybe that makes it better. Are you ready to go? Let's go. All right, I'll see you in the next episode.

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By Christy Jade - Narcissistic Abuse Coach, Grey Rock Coach , Gaslighting Expert, No Contact Mentor

4.8

7979 ratings