When your daughter comes up to you out of the blue and says, “I feel like I don’t fit in on my team,” with a frown on her face.  Would you offer advice and tell her what to do in these situations? 

If so, she may likely learn to rely on other people to solve the problem for her.

Do you know what the number 1 predictor of success on a team is? Psychological safety.

This means that:

• Athletes feeling safe to be themselves.
• Athletes feeling like they belong.
• Athletes feeling like they can risk and fail and be okay.

Teammate culture/dynamics depends on a lot of factors:

• The coach and how they form the culture/relationships building of the team
• The personalities/maturity level of the athletes
• Mixed grade levels
• Competitiveness of the team

Realize that many of those things are out of your control.

What is in your control: Your response to your daughter

Here is ONE area that I want you to focus on when it comes to your daughter not "fitting in/clicking" with the team: Teach her how to think, not what to think.

How do you do this? 

• We don't want to control their thoughts - confidence and sense of self hinges on an athlete's ability to think for themselves and trust that what they're thinking/feeling is true.
• We want to teach her how to put data together, pause, get curious, and ask questions...rather than statements/immediate answers/stories that could be limiting.
• Teach her how to notice her own thoughts, her own reactions.
• Ask more questions rather than give answers

Advice Giving vs Activating Curiosity.

For example, she goes, “I'm always left out.”

Giving Advice: "Well have you tried asking to be in the group?" "You could pick a partner ahead of time" ➝ Guiding her to a specific end. Always relying on YOU/OTHERS to solve her problems. 

Activating Curiosity: "So you felt left out at practice. Tell me more about that." ➝ Listening and recapping helps her feel seen, validates her feelings. 

When we ask questions, we help our athletes put things together in their own mind.

Hearing your daughter say: "I don't know what my teammate meant when she said that" vs "she hates me and I hate her" is important!

Provide tools/opportunities

1. Loop the coach in - View the story from the coach's perspective.
2. Offer to lead team bonding/activities for the team - incorporate into things that the team is already doing.
3. Mental training skills.
4. Skills to advocate for herself.
5. ECP, counseling. 

Your athlete’s psychological wellness relies on you and how you shape her to be an individual. Be the one that teaches her to fish rather than the parent that feeds her all her life. Let’s give them the seed and let them nurture and grow it.

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