Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

By Jen LumanlanEducation Parenting Kids & Family

Favorites
364
Followers
Typical duration
54 min
per episode

Based on Podcast App listening data

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive episodes

July 31, 2023 Q&A#4: Is it safe to delay math learning?
In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it's safe to delay math learning, since (they've heard) there's a 'critical window' for learning language.

Would delaying math learning mean that our child can't catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can't get into college? We address all of these questions and more.

Learning Membership

Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.

Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.

When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights
01:10 Listener Lindsay asks the question, “How safe is it to neglect math education until your child shows some kind of interest in wanting to do it?”
01:48 Jen gives her academic history in math and admits to applying problem-solving strategies without full comprehension.
07:44 The critical period for learning seen in animal research also applies to children with severe language deprivation during early months.
08:51 The critical period for language development and second language acquisition is questioned in relation to math learning.
12:58 Sudbury School's anecdotal evidence suggests children can learn math quickly when motivated, sparking questions about early teaching, fostering a love of learning, and the impact on future opportunities.
15:54 Emphasizing intrinsic motivation over forced comparisons in math fosters self-awareness, more vital for a fulfilling life than specific skills.
19:31 Cognitively Guided Instruction values children's math knowledge, encourages pattern exploration, and validates individual methods, fostering a deeper understanding of math concepts.
22:09 Fostering children's intuitive understanding of math through collaborative learning and self-developed algorithms is a powerful approach.
24:01 Don't worry about formal math instruction; children will naturally develop their own strategies and algorithms when provided with a supportive learning environment.

References
Singleton, D., & Lesniewska, J. (2021). The critical period hypothesis for L2 acquisition: An unfalsifiable embarrassment? Languages 6(3), 149.
28 min
July 17, 2023188: How to learn way beyond ‘doing well in school’
When you listen to this episode you may get a bit of a sense of deja vu - way back in 2020, listener Kelly reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to do an episode on parental burnout, which she was struggling to navigate at the time. We ended up interviewing Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, one of the world's experts on parental burnout.

After the conversation Dr. Mikolajczak expressed to me how much her heart went out to Kelly, who was navigating what seemed like an individual-level problem when it was actually very much our society's failure to support her that created the problem. Having explored the connection between race and parenting in a series of episodes the previous year, ideas were definitely percolating for me about how societal issues show up in our families which is, of course, a massive theme in my book.

So it was so amazing to see Kelly recently in a much better place, reflecting on the connections between her school-based learning and her burnout, and how she's taking steps to help her child learn lessons she thinks are truly important, like how to:
Think critically about messages she receives from other people;
See multiple people's needs in an interaction, and find ways to meet both of their needs;
Learn about the world immediately around her (which often involves Kelly backing off andnot doing anything, rather than stepping in to teach a lesson).
Kelly's children are certainly learning profound lessons in this process - but so is Kelly. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so delighted to say that she's thrown out a puzzle book that still had three un-done puzzles in that she didn't want to do, having (finally) learned that it's OK not to finish every single thing you start. Because not being able to do that can lead to burnout.

Learning Membership
Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.

Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights
01:26 Introduction to today’s topic
02:02 Kelly talks about her family.
02:34 In the Netherlands, Kelly (who later discovered she had ADHD) attended a non-religious public school, enjoyed learning despite feeling out of place, and found ways to stay engaged.
06:32 Kelly’s burnout was influenced by her tendency to prioritize meeting teachers' expectations rather than pursuing genuine interest, the impact of ADHD on her learning experience, and the mismatch between her learning style and the educational system.
12:12 Before working with Jen, Kelly focused on academic subjects for her child's learning, while also recognizing learning in everyday experiences, but found it challenging to be at home with the children all day due to energy limitations.
14:13 Kelly considered homeschooling but found that the strict regulations in the Netherlands, along with the lack of community support and limited options for activities during the day, made it extremely difficult.
15:25 Kelly engages in discussions with her daughter about the school system, emphasizes meeting individual needs, and recognizes her advanced learning beyond the classroom.
23:33 Kelly, a member of the Learning Membership, engages in informal and organic learning explorations with her children.
30:37 Kelly's perspective has shifted, realizing that she doesn't have to finish everything and can find alternative approaches that work for her and her family.
35:19 Kelly feels more relaxed and confident in her role as a parent, allowing her child to learn from mistakes and pursue their own interests, while also engaging in important discussions about diversity and the environment to prepare her child for adulthood.
39:11 Kelly advises parents to have faith in their child's learning, embrace peace and calm, enjoy their child's curiosity, and play along with their exploration for their happiness and growth as individuals and good citizens.
43 min
July 10, 2023 187: What to do when my child says: “I’m booored!”?
Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are in the middle of summer now, with the whirlwind of cobbled together childcare and kids at home saying: "I'm booored!".

What's happening for them when they're saying this?

And, more importantly, what should we DO about it?

We don't want to have to entertain them, but what other option is there besides threatening chores?

This episode will help you to answer their question during the summer months in a way that supports their wellbeing, and also address boredom that crops up at other points in the school year. Like when they're in school.

Because while I approached this episode from the perspective of navigating summer holidays, it turns out that most researchers can't include the word "child" and "bored" in a study without also including the word "school."

Learning Membership
Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.

Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.

When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it. Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights
00:59 Introduction to today’s topic
02:32 Dr. Peter Toohey's book explores various definitions of boredom, including one tied to predictable circumstances and another linked to existential despair.
04:16 The concept of boredom has evolved over time.
07:57 Boredom can be linked to dopamine levels in the brain.
10:45 Boredom is connected to negative outcomes and low dopamine activity, leading to depression, anxiety, addiction, and poor performance
13:51 Boredom in children, particularly in school, has negative consequences on academic outcomes and well-being
23:32 Exercising autonomy and pursuing assignments aligned with personal interest and relevance can foster intrinsic motivation and enhance student performance and well-being
29:53 The traditional school system prioritizes conformity over individual interests, leading to disengagement and boredom
35:47 The Learning Membership offers support and resources for parents to cultivate their child's intrinsic love of learning, whether they are in school or not
38:18 Students can combat boredom in school by gamifying tasks, finding personal meaning in them, and recognizing the value of boredom as a guide to more engaging activities
42:54 Boredom serves a purpose in learning by promoting exploration, enhancing performance on creative tasks, and signaling the need for novelty and change
45:26 The Warlpiri people in Australia embody a cultural mindset of infinite patience and being fully present in the moment, where boredom seems non-existent as they engage with their surroundings and find meaning in the immediate place and time
48:17 As explored through the lens of Buddhism, embracing boredom allows us to gain insights into our minds and self-identity, fostering a sense of peace
52:40 To wrap up, the response to a child's boredom depends on their environment–whether they are in school or at home

References
Begnaud, D., Coenraad, M., Jain, N., Patel, D., & Bonsignore, E. (2020). “It’s just too much”: Exploring children’s views of boredom and strategies to manage feelings of boredom. In: Proceedings of the Interaction Design and Children Conference (p.624-636).
Brankovic, S. (2015). Boredom, dopamine, and the thrill of psychosis: Psychiatry in a new key. Psychiatria Danubina 27(2), 126-137.
Danckert, J. (2022). Boredom in the COVID-19 Pandemic. Behavioral Science 12(1), 428.
Healy, S.D. (1984). Boredom, self, and culture. Rutherford: Farleigh Dickinson University Press.
hooks, b. (1994). Teaching to transgress: Education as the practice of freedom. New York: Routledge.
Joseph, N.M. (2022). Making Black girls count in math education: A Black feminist vision for transforming teaching. Boston: Harvard Education Press.
LaCapra, D. (2016). Trauma, history, memory, identity: What remains? History and Theory 55, 375-400.
Lehr, E., & Todman, M. (2008). Boredom and boredom proneness in children: Implications for academic and social adjustment. In: M. Todman (Ed). Self-Regulation and Social Competence: Psychological Studies in Identity, Achievement and Work-Family Dynamics (p.75-89). Athens: Athens Institute for Education and Research.
Lin, Y., & Westgate, E.C. (2021). The origins of boredom. Unpublished manuscript. Retrieved from: https://psyarxiv.com/bz6n8/download?format=pdf
Lomas, T. (2017). A meditation on boredom: Reappraising its value through introspective phenomenology. Qualitative Research in Psychology 14(1), 1-22.
Lomas, T. (2017). A reappraisal of boredom: A case study in second wave psychology. In: N.J.L. Brown, T. Lomas, & F.J. Eiroa-Orosa (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook of Critical Positive Psychology (p.213-226). Abingdon-on-Thames: Routledge.
Musharbash, Y. (2007). Boredom, time, and modernity: An example from Aboriginal Australia. American Anthropologist 109(2), 307-317.
O’Hanlon, J.F. (1981). Boredom: Practical consequences and a theory. Acta Psychologica 49, 53-82.
Pfattheicher, S., Lazarevic, L.B., Westgate, E.C., & Schindler, S. (2021). On the relation of boredom and sadistic aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 121(3), 573-600.
Toohey, P. (2011). Boredom: A lively history. New Haven: Yale University Press.
Waterschoot, J., Van der Kaap-Deeder, J., Morbee, S., Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2021). “How to unlock myself from boredom?” The role of mindfulness and a dual awareness- and action-oriented pathway during the COVID-19 lockdown. Personality and Individual Differences 175, 110729.
1 hr 3 min
June 26, 2023 Q&A #3: Why do you have to go to work?
Listener Kelsey posted in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook community a while ago asking how she should respond when her child asks: "Why does Daddy have to go to work?" She got some great answers from community members...and yet there was also a lot more to explore. I asked her to record her question so I could answer it in an episode, so here it is!

Of course, the issue of Daddy going to work has intersections with patriarchy as well...and many Your Parenting Mojo listeners of both/all genders work and probably hear this question from their children, so I adjusted the title of the episode a little.

The episode looks at capitalism and how it impacts our families and other peoples' families...and how we can start to have conversations about that with our children.

If you'd like to ask a question for me to answer in a future Q&A episode, please email a link to a video of you asking the question to [email protected], or go to yourparentingmojo.com/question and look for the Record A Question button.

Jump to Highlights

00:58 Listener Kelsey asks how to honestly but age-appropriately answer the question, "Why does daddy have to go to work?"

02:54 Carys shares her ideas on capitalism and work

14:10 Kelsey's child isn't necessarily questioning why Daddy has to work, but rather why Daddy isn't available to play

17:51 The cultural devaluation of certain types of work, the influence of capitalism, housing discrimination, and societal expectations contribute to financial burdens

23:32 Every time we're making a choice to buy something, that is a choice to spend more time working

24:00 The mindset plays a significant role in finding joy and value in any job

25:16 Job satisfaction, financial security, and the role of money in addressing challenges and enhancing safety are crucial in deciding on work

27:26 Money doesn’t guarantee safety

30:11 Undervalued care work, predominantly performed by women, is crucial for the capitalist system.

31:47 Building communities that meet each other's needs can provide more choices and reduce reliance on financial resources.

32:59 We can talk to our children about capitalism, explaining that work allows us to meet our needs and wants, while addressing the inequalities and challenges that some people face.

35:14 Teaching children about capitalism and its objections fosters critical thinking about fairness, inequality, and alternative economic perspectives.

37:40 Teaching financial literacy to children should involve a critical examination of capitalist-focused programs

42:24 Wrapping up
49 min
June 12, 2023 186: How to meet your needs with Mara Glatzel
We talk a lot about meeting needs on the show. And mostly we focus on meeting your child's needs, because when those are met then your needs for peace and ease and collaboration with your child get met as well.

But of course those are not your only needs. You also have needs independent of your relationship with your children, and you deserve to have these met. Mara Glatzel's new book focuses squarely on your needs. Why is it so hard to understand what our needs are? How can we figure out what our needs are...before they explode out of us in a meltdown? And how can we get these met on a regular basis?

This episode will show you how to do that.

Jump to highlights:

01:20 Introduction of the guest - Mara Glatzel

02:20 Mara shares the story at the beginning of her book where she tells her personal reflection when she felt learned the importance of asserting one's needs and the impact it has had on her life and relationship

06:13 Mara differentiates needs from wants

09:47 The societal pressure to maintain a perfect and productive facade may just lead to burnout and a denial of our own humanity

13:31 It is important to recognize and identify physical sensations, symptoms, and circumstances associated with burnout to prevent and reverse it

20:20 Setting boundaries with children allows parents to prioritize their own needs so they meet their children’s needs as well

24:49 Consistently pushing ourselves beyond our limits and striving for perfection sets us up for burnout

29:31 Prioritizing our own needs and well-being - even if it means doing things differently from others - is essential for sustainable productivity and a fulfilling life

34:37 It can be challenging to find the right balance between meeting our children's needs and taking care of our own, but by modeling self-care, setting boundaries, and teaching them how to communicate their needs effectively, we can find ways to support each other

41:36 Balancing our commitment to creating positive change with prioritizing our own well-being is crucial, as our ability to make an impact is compromised if we neglect self-care

47:34 If we're unable to deal with our own needs, we make our needs other people's problems - and this impacts our relationships

50:55 Mara shares about finding joy in trying new activities and embracing the freedom of being a beginner while following personal interests

54:46 Wrapping up

Mara's book:

Needy: How to advocate for your needs and claim your sovereignty (affiliate link)

59 min
May 29, 2023 185: How can we raise resilient children?
A lot of parents (and teachers) are concerned right now about children's resilience. Will they 'bounce back' from the difficulties of the pandemic?
But is 'bouncing back' really the way we should be thinking about this? We have all been changed by the pandemic; shouldn't we acknowledge this and see how we can be the best versions of ourselves, incorporating what we've been through over the last few years, rather than trying to 'bounce back' into what we were before (which frankly wasn't all that amazing in a lot of cases, as we rushed from one thing to another with never any time for ourselves).
In this episode we also consider Black and Indigenous researchers' perspectives on resilience, and see how their ideas can perhaps shift how we perceive resilience - and thus how we support our children.

Other episodes referenced
069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma
140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon
137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill
148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children?
114: How to stop 'othering' and instead build 'belonging'
074: Attachment: What it is, what it's not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it
106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting

Jump to highlights:
01:10 Introduction
01:34 Defining resilience from various perspectives
03:16 Resilience requires exposure to some kind of threat or severe adversity
06:37 What a lack of resilience looks like and how to measure its absence
08:16 Measuring resilience in research
09:08 The challenge of defining ‘protective’ factor
10:00 The history of research on resilience
12:03 The importance allowing children to cope with mild stressors
14:40 The Indigenous resilience
17:17 The control and dominance of indigenous peoples in Canada achieved through education and immersion in settler culture
19:25 The importance of resilience culture in Indigenous communities
21:02 A model of resilience by Dr. Edith Grotberg
27:01 Resilience determined by the dominant culture's expectations of normal, healthy, and good outcomes
30:08 The real purpose of resilience
32:18 What happens when a person isn't deemed to be resilient and why that is
33:46 Resilience as a code for social compliance
38:59 What true resilience should be about (based on the story about the Claremont Counseling Center's community building)
40:53 Wrapping up

References
Aranda, K., Zeeman, L., Scholes, J., & Morales, A. S-M. (2012). The resilient subject: Exploring subjectivity, identity and the body in narratives of resilience. Health 16(5), 548-563.
Block, P. (2008). Community: The structure of belonging. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler.
Grotberg, E. (1995). A guide to promoting resilience in children: Strengthening the human spirit. Early Childhood Development: Practice and Reflections Number 8. Bernard van Leer Foundation.
Gutman, L.M. (2018). Risk and resilience. Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-809324-5.21835-X
Henderson, J., & Denny, K. (2015). The resilient child, human development and the “postdemocracy.” BioSocieties 10(3), 352-378.
Hess, J. (2019). Moving beyond resilience education: Musical counterstorytelling. Music Education Research 1`(5), 488-502.
Kirmayer, L.J., Dandeneau, D., Marshall, E., Phillips, M.K., & Williamson, K.J. (2011). Rethinking resilience from an indigenous perspective. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 56(2), 84-91.
Liu, J.J.W., Reed, M., & Girard, T.A. (2017). Advancing resilience: An integrative, multi-system mode of resilience. Personality and Individual Differences 111, 111-118.
Lopez, M., Ruiz, M.O., Rovnaghi, C.R., Tam, G.K-Y., Hiscox, J., Gotlib, I.H., Barr, D.A., Carrion, V.G., & Anand, K.J.S. (2021). The social ecology of childhood and early life adversity. Pediatric Research 89(2), 353-367.
Luthar, S.S., Cicchetti, D., & Becker, B. (2000). The construct of resilience: A critical evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child Development 71(3), 543-562.
Masten, A.S. (2001). Ordinary Magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist 56(3), 227-238.
Masten, A.S.. (2021). Resilience in developmental systems: Principles, pathways, and protective processes in research and practice. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 113-134). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Masten, A.S., and Barnes, A.J. (2018). Resilience in children: Developmental perspectives. Children 5, 98.
McCalman, J., & Bainbridge, R. (2021). Indigenous education, well-being, and resilience – a systemic approach. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 199-219). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
McGuire, P.D. (2010). Exploring resilience and indigenous ways of knowing. Pimatisiwin: A Journal of Aboriginal and Indigenous Community Health 8(2), 117-131.
Rutter, M. (2012). Resilience as a dynamic concept. Development and Psychopathology 24, 335-344.
Thomas, D., Mitchell, T., & Arseneau, C. (2015). Re-evaluating resilience: From individual vulnerabilities to the strength of cultures and collectivities among indigenous communities. Resilience 4(2), 116-129.
Traub, F., & Boynton-Jarrett, R. (2017). Modifiable resilience factors to childhood adversity for clinical pediatric practice. Pediatrics 139(5), e20162569
Solkoski, S.M., & Bullock, L.M. (2012). Resilience in children and youth: A review. Children and Youth Services Review 34, 2295-2303.
Wexler, L. (2013). Looking across three generations of Alaska Natives to explore how culture fosters indigenous resilience. Transcultural Psychiatry 51(1), 73-92.
46 min
May 08, 2023 184: How to get on the same page as your co-parent
Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on?

Would things be easier if you were on the same page?

Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card?

Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.

Knowing each other well isn’t always enough
They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well. They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them.

But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto. (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments. I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”).

Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure. Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up. You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves. We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.

A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs
This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother.

Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat - the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him.

On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic - and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict. They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode.

Parenting Membership
This isn't a course that you take once and forget, and things go back to the way they always were.Whenever you get off-track, or when a new challenge pops up, we're here to support and guide you for as long as you're a member.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Jump to highlights:
01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests
01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family
02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family
07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive
09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father
10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents
11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood
12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies
15:19 Some challenging interactions with the kids
17:03 Declan is the stabilizing force in the family
18:41 How Declan responds to Sarah’s emotional stress
21:20 How they approach certain situations and have learned from each other's feedback
22:06 finding a balance between having a structured decision-making process and ensuring that each one is heard
23:14 How patriarchy shows up in their decision-making
23:53 How their shared values allowed them to work together despite their differences
26:44 How Sarah managed to convince Declan to join the Parenting Membership
28:52 Declan appreciates the flexibility of Parenting Membership that allows members to choose their level of engagement with the content
31:12 How being part of the Parenting Membership differs from just listening to podcasts
32:47 How the community aspect of the Parenting Membership helps
38:58 How relationship patterns can impact difficult conversations between partners
40:38 How the Parenting Membership has made a huge difference in their parenting dynamics
50:31 How Sarah has changed to become less triggered
52:57 Wrapping up
1 hr 2 min
May 01, 2023183: What I wish I’d known about parenting
Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they've faced that they've navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago.

Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they've been using come alive in their interactions with their children.

I thought: There's a podcast episode in that!

I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young?

The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week's episode.

The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that you're not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy.

This is advice about:
How we see ourselves
What is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping them
How we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there's so much pressure on us to be a 'good parent'
If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what's worth worrying about and what isn't, this episode is for you.

Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.

The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!

Other episodes referenced in this episode:
079: What is RIE?
084: The Science of RIE
085: White privilege in schools
SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm

Jump to highlights
01:40 Introduction of this episode’s topic
02:25 Jen admits that she didn't give much consideration to parenting before her daughter, Carys, was born
03:17 Jen shares how her journey into respectful parenting started through RIE
04:42 Parent Elizabeth reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting
06:33 The impact of unhealed trauma is reflected in the way we parent our children
07:21 How the arrival of a child can shift the balance in a relationship leading to conflict, even if both partners entered into the partnership as equals
09:05 The dynamics of patriarchal relationships
10:09 Parent Jenny reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting during the time she wasn't prioritizing her own need for sleep
12:29 Discussion on how patriarchal power structures can play out within the context of parenting and caregiving
13:48 Parent Jenny's decision to prioritize rest shows that her need for rest is legitimate and important
14:19 Our child expresses their unmet need by hitting
15:33 Parent Anne reflects on her visions about parenting and shares what she wished she had known about parenting
18:45 What is “Opportunity hoarding” among White parents
20:48 Parent Iris reflects on her parenting experience
22:33 The pressure that parents put on themselves that creates enormous pressure
23:50 Parent Iris realizes that buying things to solve parenting problems is not always the answer
25:14 The privilege that some parents have in terms of how they are perceived by society and the consequences they may face for certain choices
26:11 Parent Anne shares what she wished she had known about her interactions with her mom, her husband, and her child
29:53 Parent Anne shares her struggles with setting boundaries
31:14 Parent Anne's journey to becoming a better parent and healing from her own trauma
33:58 Parent Laura shares her son's potty problems and what she wished she had known about potty learning
37:13 Parent Laura highlights the importance of trusting your intuition and problem-solving skills as a parent
38:20 Respectful and gentle parenting as a tool to build a good relationship with our child
39:09 Parent Lucinda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting
41:56 How understanding one's own needs is crucial for being able to have authentic relationships with family and community
43:24 Parent Melissa reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting
45:51 The benefits of being in an ACTion group in the Parenting Membership
47:14 Parent Benson reflects on his experience and shares what he wished he had known about parenting
48:51 Parent Amanda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting
50:35 The importance of having a plan in parenting
52:03 Parent Elizabeth shares her realization that parenting is a continuous learning process
53:18 The importance of learning new skills to do things differently
55:34 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership
55 min
April 24, 2023 182: How to get frustrating behavior to stop
All of our children go through phases when they do things we wish they wouldn’t do. Sometimes those things are relatively harmless but are pretty annoying, because they take extra time for us to clean up - things like eating (and making crumbs) in areas where we don’t want them to eat, shaving up a bar of soap, or piling up all the toys and refusing to help clean them up. Other times it’s not so harmless. They might hit us.

Or hit a (smaller) sibling, for what seems like no reason.

We want to get that behavior to stop…but how?In this episode we’ll meet a parent who’s struggling with the annoying behaviors…and we’ll hear directly from two parents who have found ways to navigate resistance and hitting, and these are no longer the problem they once were.

There is hope. We don’t have to keep walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion, or worried about what our child is doing as soon as our back is turned.

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Jump to highlights:
00:50 Introduction for today’s episode
01:33 A member of Jen's community is seeking advice on how to manage her child’s frustrating behavior
04:23 How Jen resolved her issues with her husband's frustrating behavior during the COVID lockdown
06:16 The importance of understanding children's behavior and finding ways to meet their needs in a way that works for both the child and the parent
07:36 One of the reasons why children engage in activities that they know are forbidden: Lack of Impulse control
09:20 The importance of recognizing that our children are still learning how to regulate their emotions and impulses
11:17 How setting fewer limits can create a more positive and respectful relationship between parent and child
12:46 Parent Peju shares how she sets limits on her child
14:46 Understanding the underlying issues of a child's behavior is critical for effective parenting
15:54 The importance of recognizing the need for autonomy in children
17:50 Parent Fiona shares her struggles and how the community and the membership helped her resolve her problems
26:44 Parent Fiona’s non-cognitive shift as a result of seeing the issue from her son's perspective
28:19 Parent Stephanie, expresses how her connection with the ACTion group has been incredibly fulfilling for her.
30:01 The importance of curiosity when we feel triggered
33:39 The second reason why children engage in activities that they know are forbidden: They're doing it deliberately to get our attention
34:36 How our culture and capitalist system affect families and the way we parent
35:45 Why does our culture make it difficult to ask for help in parenting
36:43 Invitation to Setting Limits Masterclass
43 min
April 10, 2023181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead
Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world. In the scripts, it usually goes like this:

Child: “I want a snack!”
Parent: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”
Child: “A banana, please!”
And the parent hands over the banana.
But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this:
Your child:: “I want a snack!”
You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”
Your child: “I want cookies!”

WHY IS THAT?! Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to? Why doesn’t our child follow the script?
There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.

Questions this episode will answer
Why do parenting experts recommend giving choices to kids?
Giving choices is often recommended as a "magic bullet" for getting kids to cooperate. In theory, offering limited options should give kids a sense of control while still getting them to do what you want. But there's more to why this strategy often falls flat in real homes with real kids.

What happens in real life when I try giving choices to my toddler?
Scenarios in parenting books show a child happily picking a banana when offered "apple or banana." But in real life, this usually goes differently - your child wants a cookie instead! The episode reveals why this disconnect happens and how to address it.

How does giving choices change as kids get older?
With older kids, the choices we offer often become more complex and loaded with hidden expectations. For example, telling a child to "choose one physical activity" carries assumptions about what's best for them. The episode explores how these underlying messages affect your relationship with your child.

Should I use choices to motivate my child to do homework?
When we say things like "Do homework now and you'll be able to get screen time sooner," we're not really addressing what's behind the procrastination. We look at fascinating research about what procrastination actually means and why this approach misses the mark.

Why does my child never follow the script when I give them choices?
Children have their own needs and desires that don't magically disappear when we present limited options. The podcast examines how children sense when choices aren't genuine and why they push back. It's actually a healthy part of their development!

What's the connection between rewards and giving choices?
The episode makes an interesting link to research about rewards and their effects on children's motivation. There's a surprising similarity between giving choices and offering rewards that most parents never consider.

What can I do instead of giving choices that actually works?
The episode introduces a framework that works for any interaction with your child. Whether it's offering clothes to a toddler or managing a teen's screen time. This approach respects both your needs and your child's, creating more authentic collaboration.

How do I know if the choices I'm offering are helpful or harmful?
Some choices respect your child's autonomy, and some are just disguised attempts to control their behavior. The episode helps you spot the difference and adjust your approach accordingly.

Why do some children respond well to choices while others rebel?
Every child has different needs, temperament, and ways of expressing themselves. The episode explains why understanding your unique child matters more than following any specific technique or parenting script.

What you'll learn in this episode
Why the popular parenting strategy of giving choices often fails in real life, even though parenting experts recommend it!
The key difference between how choices work in demonstration videos versus what happens in your actual home with your kids
How presenting limited options can actually override your child's natural self-regulation abilities
The surprising connection between choices and motivation. Using choices to get homework done can backfire!
How choices change and get more complicated as children grow older. Learn what adjustments to make to your technique
The hidden agenda behind many of the choices we offer our children. Kids can sense when choices aren't genuine
A more effective alternative framework that works for every interaction with your child. F snack time to homework to curfews, we've got you covered!
The tool that replaces the scripts that don't work
How to move beyond power struggles to create more authentic collaboration with your child
Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make?

Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it?

If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.

Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible.

Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.

Click the banner to learn more.

Other episodes referenced in this episode:
086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children?
170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois.
075: Should we go ahead and heap rewards on our kid?
Jump to highlights:
00:54 Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to cooperate.
02:43 The effectiveness of using choices for our children
05:47 Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs
08:01 How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do
09:00 Why choices teach children consequences
09:40 Benefits of using true empathy
10:26 Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task
11:55 The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunities for making real choices
13:28 Giving choices as a win-win situation
14:05 The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs
17:08 Distinguishing between needs and strategies
19:01 The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs
20:34 Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop
22:55 Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop are
26:29 Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop
27:01 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits masterclass
31 min

About Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

From the publisher's feed

Parenting is hard…but does it have to be this hard?

Share Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Sign up to save your podcasts

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive episodes

About Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

More shows like Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

ADHD Experts Podcast

Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled

Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children

The Lazy Genius Podcast

What Fresh Hell: Parenting, Relationships, and Making Life Better, with Two Funny Moms

Calm Parenting Podcast

Neurodiversity Podcast

The Simplicity Parenting Podcast with Kim John Payne

Raising Good Humans

Flusterclux With Lynn Lyons: For Parents Who Worry

Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life

The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

Good Inside with Dr. Becky

We Can Do Hard Things

The Child Psych Podcast