Beyond condolences, how can we best support a grieving friend? Grief counsellor Andrea Warnick tells us what to say and do, and what to avoid. For example: yes, use the “D” word; and do not try to “fix” it. The grieving process is not linear. Rather, it is like a squiggly line. So what should a good friend do? Most importantly, “show up”!

SHOWNOTES

Contents

* 10 Key Learnings – What to Consider & What to Say

* References & Links

* Andrea’s Commentary

* Interview Transcript

* Conclusion

10 Key Learnings

WHAT TO CONSIDER

* Grieving is not a linear step-by-step process.

* Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s model of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – was actually meant for the dying (not the grievers). Research shows that the process is not linear. Rather, it is more like a squiggly line.

* If you are celebrating someone’s life, try to make room for the grief too. It will come out at some point.

* Everyone is different.

* Children experience and demonstrate their grief differently than adults. It is not uncommon for children to jump back and forth from deep sorrow to playing blissfully with their friends. That is completely normal.

* Some people physically exhibit their grief and others are very private about it.

* Some people may be intuitive in their grieving process, and others are more instrumental – they need frameworks.

* We can think about a hierarchy of sympathy to empathy to COMPASSION.

* Sympathy is better than nothing. But empathy is better.  And compassion is ideal.  We should seek to be compassionate with our grieving friends.

* Don’t try to save the person. “Don’t fall into the fixit trap.” 

* Rather, show up and be there for the person. Just to sit and talk.  Or maybe even just to sit.

* Don’t worry about making the person feel sad. They are already sad.

* The only thing worse than talking about the person who died is forgetting about the person. Talking doesn’t make it worse.

WHAT TO SAY

* DO NOT say “at least they aren’t suffering anymore.” And do not say “thank goodness you have other children.” 

* As Andrea says – “NOT helpful.” There is no silver lining. These things don’t make the grief any less.

* If the griever wants to frame it that way, it is up to them. Do not offer that. 

* So what DO you say? Well, like Andrea said, you need to SHOW UP.

* Start with: I’m here for you if you want to talk.

* Now. Or tomorrow. Or next month.  Or next year. 

* Unless they tell you otherwise, do not hesitate to use the D words: dying, death, died.

* There are over 240 euphemisms for death in the English language. Using words like “Lost” or passed are just wrong and sometimes confusing.

* Ask your friend to share a story about the person who died.

* It could be “I never met your grandmother. Tell me about her.”  Or if you did meet her, you could say “tell me again about the time…” Many people who are grieving find some relief in telling a story about the person.

References & Links

Andrea Warnick

* AndreaWarnick.com – Grief counselling – https://andreawarnick.com/

* Andrea’s affiliations

* The Dr. Jay Children’s Grief Program- https://drjaychildrensgriefcentre.ca/

* Camp Erin (overnight bereavement camp) – https://drjaychildrensgriefcentre.ca/programs/camp-erin/