I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it…

The P-word…

“Patriarchy.”(Phew!  I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear.

I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over.

There’s some sadness there for me, for sure.

Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well.  And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life.

I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood.  He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation.  She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.”

We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it.  After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change?

Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life.  We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is!

Iris and I discuss:

Even though she’s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way.

She shares the practices she’s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman’s role in a family and in the world.

But I don’t think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters.  We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it’s OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries.

Enjoy this beautiful conversation with Iris.

 

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Parenting is tough, but when we shift away from traditional power dynamics to collaboration, family life becomes smoother today.

Conventional discipline methods may temporarily stop challenging behaviors, but they reinforce harmful lessons about power and control. Parenting Beyond Power offers a groundbreaking framework to understand and meet our children's needs, fostering respect and empathy.

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Jump to Highlights

00:49 Introducing today’s guest and topic

06:30 Iris discusses the impact of patriarchy on her family, revealing how gender roles and expectations affected her parents' dynamics and sense of self-worth.

12:52 Iris discusses her family's emotional dynamics and the lasting impact of patriarchal double standards on her parenting approach.

17:51 Iris reflects on her teenage years, grappling with societal norms and confronting patriarchal expectations in her relationships.

22:35 Iris cuts her hair short in defiance of patriarchal norms, challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty and reclaiming her autonomy.

24:21 Iris reflects on societal pressures and gender roles within her marriage, highlighting the challenges of conforming to traditional expectations.

33:31 Iris encourages daughter Malaya's autonomy, challenges traditional gender roles, and fosters open communication within the family.

41:07 Women play a part in perpetuating patriarchal norms in families and should strive to empower daughters through shared decision-making and open dialogue.

44:29 Iris stresses the value of rest for herself, challenging the idea that productivity determines worth, especially under capitalism.

46:16 Iris reflects on the dynamics of waiting for male approval and envisions a future where her daughter confidently asserts herself.

49:19 Jen introduces three actionable steps for listeners to implement the ideas discussed in the episode.