Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

 

Chances are, if you're thinking of listening to this podcast episode, the 2024 election didn't go the way you hoped it would.

 

A lot of people are feeling scared right now. I've heard some people wanting to fight, while others want to hunker down. I've had both of those feelings myself over the last few weeks.

 

I don't usually wade into current events. My brain needs time to process and digest and preferably take in a lot of peer-reviewed research before I can decide what I think.

 

I tried to do something different in this episode: I did read a lot, but I only took notes and then spoke mostly extemporaneously. And now you've seen the length of this episode you'll know why I don't do that very often.

 

How do our values shape political views and actions?

 

How can we make sense of the way that liberals and conservatives prioritize different values?

 

Is it possible that liberals haven't been truly honest about how we live our values?

 

What kinds of actions can we take to create true belonging so we don't have to grasp at power?

 

How can we create true belonging in our families, to live our values honestly and completely?

 

I hope you find this thought-provoking and useful as we all start to think about the ways we can move forward - and keep everyone safe.

 

 

 

 

(Affiliate links)

Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World, by Jen Lumanlan

 

Belonging without Othering, by John A. Powell and Stephen Menendian

 

Schedule your own Red/Blue conversation through Braver Angels

 

 

03:50 References to Dr. John Powell’s and Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s work, particularly The Righteous Mind, exploring political views.

 

04:45 Explanation of Haidt's five moral foundations and their impact on political perspectives.

 

07:00 Comparison of liberal and conservative priorities around moral foundations.

 

08:36 Discussion on care, fairness, loyalty, authority, and sanctity in policies.

 

10:46 Exploration of government intervention, wealth redistribution, immigration, and in-group loyalty.

 

13:06 Discussion on understanding and addressing the underlying needs of both groups.

 

17:46 Examples of Social Security and the GI Bill’s exclusionary practices.

 

19:16 Discussion of economic disparities and the call for fair, inclusive policies.

 

22:38 References to sociologist Arlie Hochschild’s work on the economic story behind Trump’s support.

 

24:00 Examination of cultural and economic factors influencing Trump’s voter base.

 

28:50 Examples of identity threats leading to group cohesion.

 

32:30 Advocacy for listening to Trump voters to understand their perspectives.

 

36:39 Explanation of targeted universalism to create inclusive policies.

 

38:25 Emphasis on policies that promote belonging and equity for all groups.

 

47:03 Discussion on the need for a new vision of masculinity and racially integrated relationships.

 

52:04 Emphasis on men understanding and supporting their partners’ needs.

 

01:00:53 Health benefits of belonging and the need to address exclusion.

 

01:03:27 Encouragement for civic engagement and understanding diverse perspectives to build an inclusive society.

 

01:28:07 Jen’s closing message on creating a world where everyone belongs.

 

 

[accordion]

[accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]

Adrian 00:03

Adrian, Hi, I'm Adrien in suburban Chicagoland, and this is your parenting Mojo with Jen Lumanlan. Jen is working on a series of episodes based on the challenges you are having with your child, from tooth brushing to sibling fighting to the endless resistance to whatever you ask, Jen will look across all the evidence from 1000s of scientific papers across a whole range of topics related to parenting and child development to help you see solutions to the issue you're facing that hadn't seen possible before. If you'd like a personalized answer to your challenge, just make a video if possible, or an audio clip if not. That's less than one minute long that describes what's happening, and email it to support at your parentingmojo.com and listen out for your episode soon.

Jen Lumanlan 00:52

Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Last time I did an episode like this was in January of 2020, right after the US capital was stormed. And so this is the only episode I've done since then that focuses on current events, and it is not one that I have tightly scripted, because I would have taken another two weeks to be able to do that. And so it's definitely an episode that I don't feel totally comfortable with. So I just want you to kind of know that going in, I don't find it easy to comment on current issues, because I need time to process and digest but this was kind of too big to let pass. So I find it hard to know what to say about big events like the election, because I'm not a political analyst, and frankly, it kind of drives me up the wall when people who don't have much knowledge about child development and parenting, uh, kind of like, you know, economists tell us how to raise our children, and because making the best decisions for one family using economic rationale doesn't help us to create a society that benefits all families. And so if you have sophisticated political analysis, you may find mine to be lacking. It's mostly drawn from other sources which are cited in the references for this episode. I do draw very heavily on Dr John Powell's work, and you can hear from him in our episode 114 on how to stop othering and instead build belonging. And he has a new book out that I was very interested to read, and I also draw heavily on Dr Jonathan Heights work as well. So what I'm going to do today is to kind of share some ideas that I hesitate to share because they may not be popular with listeners. Not everybody sees the connections between politics and parenting or wants to see them. Parents have told me that they put off episodes related to social issues that I have recorded for, quote, unquote when they have time, and that they focus primarily on the episodes that will help them with their children's behavior, which I totally get. But then they tell me, Well, I just, you know, I never have time. And so I do wonder, Are we a little more willing today to start to see the connections between the ways that we are raising our children, between the political climate and you know, our children's future. And so a lot of people have already written about why Trump won, and so I'm going to draw on those ideas and try to understand what that means for our families, for our culture, for where we go from here, connecting quite a few different ideas from different places. Because I think the argument that all the people who voted for Trump are racist misogynist is kind of dangerous. I don't think that that's really real. Maybe some of them are for sure, most of them are not. And so why did they vote for him? Where do we go from here? Can we avoid going through this again? And if so, how do we do that? And so the first tool that I'm going to draw on is Dr Jonathan Haidt model The Righteous Mind. And I have to give a hat tip to Dr Ari Parsi, whom I interviewed in a podcast episode a few months ago, and she was the person who introduced me to his work. I actually read it after I had already written parenting beyond power, and as I read it, I was like, yes, yes, yes. And I wish all of this could have been in the book as well. So it was too late that ship had sailed by that point, and so the purpose of the book is to to kind of uncover how liberals and conservatives have such different ideas about what's right and what's wrong, and the underlying idea is that our opinions are really kind of based on gut instincts about our morality rather than reason. And so there's one central graph that's in the book, and I'm going to post these charts that I'm going to walk you through, sort of verbally on the episode page, so that you can go and see them for yourself. And so the first chart is one that I basically rebuilt directly from his book, and he illustrates how liberals and conservatives perceive different issues. He has these five major foundations, and Haidt argues that we evolved each of them to help us cope with specific challenges that we face throughout our evolutionary history. So these five foundations, the first one is the care harm Foundation, which helps us to care for vulnerable children, makes us sensitive to signs of suffering and need, makes us despise cruelty and care for those who are suffering. The fairness cheating Foundation helps us to cooperate with each other. It makes us sensitive to indicators that other people are likely to be good partners for collaboration, and makes us want to punish cheaters. The loyalty and betrayal Foundation helps us to develop group coalitions that are essential for survival, where we become sensitive to signs that another person is a team player, and makes us trust and reward people who are team players and hurt those that betray our group. The authority subversion Foundation helps us to forge relationships that will benefit us within social hierarchies, and makes us sensitive to signs of rank or status and to signs that other people are behaving properly given their position. And then finally, the sanctity degradation Foundation helps us to cope with the potential risks and rewards of eating a wide variety of foods, and now the challenge of living in a world of pathogens and parasites. And so the diagram kind of shows, you know, given these five foundations, how important are these two different groups of voters? And so the key thing that you can kind of see in this diagram is that liberals see care and fairness as incredibly important to almost four on a scale of zero to five, with zero not being at all relevant to their views, and five being extremely relevant. And liberals see loyalty, authority and sanctity as not being very relevant to them at all, between kind of a one to 1.5 on that zero to five scale, conservatives put these issues in roughly the same order of importance as liberals, but rate them much more evenly. All cluster between two and two and a half on that scale of zero to five. And so the way that we express these foundations is also very different, and liberals will use policies like health care to provide care right, health care for all conservatives want to be able to provide for their family in a way that they see best and don't want the government interfering in their lives. So conservatives see care as being relatively less important than liberals do, and also the way that they want to provide care for their families differs from the way that liberals want to do that. Liberals want to redistribute wealth from the rich to the poor, while conservatives think that each person should take care of themselves, and if they can't do that, then their church should help them, because accepting help that you haven't earned is called free riding, and is not acceptable, right? Liberals are willing to accept a degree of free riding to know that wealth is being redistributed and that everybody kind of has what they need to survive. Liberals talk about getting rid of in groups, which leads us to things like open immigration policies and conservatives primary loyalty is to their in group, the people who are already there. And kind of thinking back to a book that I read on New Mexican history a while ago, and I had never fully wondered why Hispanic Latino voters vote for conservatives, and that book helped me to understand that there's the people who are have been in the US, the who identify as Hispanic or Latin X for generations, see themselves very differently as immigrants that are crossing the border, and the old timers kind of see, you know, I've been here forever. I've been here before this country was even a country, and you all are just, you know, Johnny come lately, who are trying to flout the rules, and that's not okay, and illegal immigrants should be kicked out. So I had perceived this kind of shared heritage as a reason why Hispanics, Latinos should be kind of supporting immigration when actually people are seeing it very differently. Liberals want to flatten hierarchical power structures to increase equality. So conservatives like the hierarchical power structures of church. They like having a strong president who's going to lay down the law to others, and the idea of lawlessness is not okay. And then there's the cleanliness purity, right? How pure is the in group? So liberal see everyone's ability to be their whole selves is important, and that kind of fits with the care fairness Foundation, whereas conservatives perceive this as contamination. And so conservative viewpoint might be that transgender people are a threat to the natural order of the two sexes, and so they see this as a contamination. And Seth Moulton, who's a Democratic Representative in Massachusetts, said Democrats spend way too much time trying not to offend anyone rather than being brutally honest about the challenges many Americans face. He said, I have two little girls. I don't want them getting run over on a playing field by a male or formerly male athlete. But as a Democrat, I'm supposed to be afraid to say that. So that kind of walks through kind of the five moral foundations and how they fit together. So if you can basically kind of imagine this arrow shape where we've got kind of liberals on the left really kind of thinking this. Because the you know, the care and fairness are really important, and also the loyalty to the in groups is not so important, right? We should get rid of the in groups. We should flatten power structures. We don't really see these contaminants as a threat. So there's a real bifurcation between those two things. And as we head over to the right side of the diagram, where we represent conservatives, all of those are considered much more evenly. They're much more evenly important to conservatives. And so after the election, I was just kind of thinking, Okay, can I translate this into the idea of needs that we talk about on the show? And if you're not sure kind of what needs are, I would definitely encourage you to go to yourparentingmojo.com. Forward slash needs and there is a list of needs there, and I basically use that list to try to think through, okay, what do these concepts mean to the people who hold them as best I can, right? Obviously, I identify as a liberal. I don't fully understand the conservative position, but based on Jonathan Haidt explanation, can I understand what needs conservatives are trying to fill, and also what needs Democrats are trying to fill, right? And so I so I'm sort of thinking through, okay, well, care for all. It means care for everybody, right? Care for for everybody is casting the net as broadly as we possibly can, and government is the mechanism through which this happened. And so sort of big government is kind of necessary to be able to make that care for everybody happen. Conservatives on the other side are kind of seeing, you know, care for few is the most important, and autonomy is super, super important as well. I want to decide what's best for my family. I don't want the government telling me what's best for my family. I perceive that as government overreach. And then there's sort of the, you know, the fairness equality obviously very important to liberals, and that contrasts with the independence and self reliance that's really important to conservatives. So liberals will say, you know, every person gets what they need, and conservatives will say, Well, every person gets what they earn, because what's in my pocket is most important. Loyalty is about group belonging and how wide we draw that circle. So conservatives will draw a pretty narrow circle around family and church, and liberals will draw that circle really wide and say, you know, everybody belongs. Liberals want the freedom that comes with flattening and subverting power structures a strong hierarchy where there's kind of God at the top, and then the President and men in charge feels comfortable for conservatives. So there shouldn't be any lawlessness. When we think about the Israel, Palestine, Israel is seen as civilization in the Middle East, rather than, you know, free Palestine, sort of subverting the power structure that's in place there. And then finally, you know, liberals think that my and your and everyone's self expression enhances the group's beauty, and conservatives see that self expression as threatening the group's purity. So there, we're talking about sort of needs related to self expression and cleanliness and purity. So, you know, obviously this is where you get the culture wars. So Trump has sexual impurity, right? That's pretty obvious, but other factors are more important to people who vote for him. And so then I started to think, well, you know, is there some overarching need or set of needs that kind of sits over all of these needs for liberals and sits over all of these needs for conservatives? And what I eventually realized was that we can ladder them all up to safety, but that safety means different things to each of the two groups. So for liberals, safety means the ability to be and express our whole selves, basically to be in integrity, right to have these values and live in alignment...

Today, we’re diving into a topic that many parents may face but rarely talk about openly: navigating menopause while raising young kids. If you’ve been wondering how to balance parenting with the changes menopause brings, this episode is for you.

In our first interview on Menstrual Cycle Awareness, we explored how menstruation impacts our lives. Today, we’re thrilled to welcome back our wonderful guests, Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, for a second interview focusing on menopause. Alexandra Pope, Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a pioneer in menstruality education and awareness. With over 30 years of experience, Alexandra believes that each stage of the menstrual journey—from the first period to menopause and beyond—holds a unique power. Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, also Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a psychotherapist and menstrual cycle educator. She is passionate about helping people understand and honor their natural rhythms, using menstrual cycle awareness as a tool for self-care and empowerment.

In this conversation, they’ll share their insights on embracing menopause as a time of empowerment rather than something to simply endure. They introduce us to their concept of “Wild Power,” a strength that arises from understanding and honoring your body’s natural rhythms through every stage of life.

When we have kids a bit on the 'later' side, we may find ourselves dealing with perimenopause - when our body prepares for menopause - as we're raising young children. This experience can bring challenges, like feeling more tired or dealing with mood changes, but it also offers us new ways to grow and find our inner strength. Alexandra and Sjanie show us how we can be more understanding and open with ourselves and others as we go through this time of change.

What is Menopause? Alexandra and Sjanie explain what menopause and perimenopause are and how these natural changes affect us physically and emotionally;

The Wild Power Within: Discover how your unique energy can be a guiding force in both your personal life and in parenting;

Tools to Support Yourself: Simple ways to be kinder to yourself, balance rest with activity, and embrace each phase with a sense of discovery;

Reconnecting with Yourself: Learn how you can stay grounded and connected to your inner self as you navigate the ups and downs of menopause.

 

 

Alexandra and Sjanie’s books

(Affiliate Links):

Wild power: Discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power

Wise power: Discover the liberating power of menopause to awaken authority, purpose and belonging

 

Episodes mentioned:

222: How to cultivate Menstrual Cycle Awareness

 

00:03 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests

00:52 Understanding menopause and it's stages

03:02 Introduction to menopause terminology: perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause

05:34 Phases compared to seasons, each with unique emotional and psychological developments

06:44 Defining menopause and it's psychological impact

08:51 Importance of self-care and preparation for menopause

09:59 "Quickening" phase introduces a creative energy shift

17:43 Navigating menopause as a parent

18:15 Challenges for parents in their 40s during menopause

21:00 Importance of self-acceptance, setting boundaries, and receiving partner support

24:44 Symptoms and self-care in menopause

34:29 Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and it's implications

44:16 The role of the inner critic in menopause

54:18 Final thoughts and resources

 

In our last conversation with Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett [Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1] a couple of weeks ago we looked at her theory of where emotions originate. This has important implications for things like:

How our 'body budgets' affect our feelings

How we make meaning from our feelings so our internal experience makes sense

That we don't always understand other people's feelings very well!

The introduction to the theory plus the conversation plus the take-home messages would have made for an unwieldy episode, so I split it in half.

Today we conclude the conversation with Dr. Barrett and I also offer some thoughts about things I think are really important from across the two episodes, including:

What we can do with the information our feelings give us

How long we should support children in feeling their feelings (given that they don't always mean what we think they mean!) and when we should help them move on

Some tools we can use to re-regulate in difficult moments with our kids

 

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's Books (Affiliate Links)

How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain

Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain

 

Other episodes mentioned

 

Jump to Highlights

00:59 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests

05:01 People in chaotic or uncertain situations, like poverty or neurodivergence, face greater challenges due to the increased stress on their body budgets.

18:02 Understanding and managing personal needs as a parent, along with emotional flexibility, can lead to more effective responses to children.

23:46 Parents need to balance their own feelings with their children's by asking if their kids want empathy or help. They should remember that every interaction is a chance to teach kids how to manage their emotions.

31:07 Parents can view their empathy for their children as a sign of competence, balancing their own needs with their child's emotions.

34:22 Jen draws conclusions from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research on emotions, highlighting how parents can use this understanding to empower their children in navigating feelings and enhancing emotional literacy.

 

References

Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68.

Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429.

Barrett, L.F., Gross, J., Christensen, T.C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion 15(6), 713-724.

 Eisenberger, N.I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews: Neuroscience 13, 421-434.

 Fischer, S. (July 2013). About Face. Boston Magazine, 68-73.

Gee, D. G., Gabard-Durnam, L., Telzer, E. H., Humphreys, K. L., Goff, B., Shapiro, M., ... & Tottenham, N. (2014). Maternal buffering of human amygdala-prefrontal circuitry during childhood but not during adolescence. Psychological Science, 25(11), 2067-2078.

 Gopnik, A., & Sobel, D. M. (2000). Detecting blickets: How young children use information about novel causal powers in categorization and induction. Child Development, 71(5), 1205-1222.

 Gross, J.J., & Barrett, L.F. (2011). Emotion generation and emotion regulation: One or two depends on your point of view. Emotion Review 3(1), 8-16.

Haidt, J., & Keltner, D. (1999). Culture and facial expression: Open-ended methods find more expressions and a gradient of recognition. Cognition & Emotion, 13, 225–266.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., Crittenden, A.N., Mangola, S.M., Endeko, E.S., Dussault, E., Barrett, L.F., & Mesquita, B. (2023). What we can learn about emotion by talking with the Hadza. Perspectives on Psychological Science 19(1), 173-200.

 Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., & Barrett, L.F. (2022). Assessing the power of words to facilitate emotion category learning. Affective Science 3, 69-80.

Hoemann, K., Khan, Z., Kamona, N., Dy, J., Barrett, L.F., & Quigley, K.S. (2020). Investigating the relationship between emotional granularity and cardiorespiratory physiological activity in daily life. Psychophysiology 58(6), e13818.

 Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D.T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science 330, 932.

Lindquist, K.A., Wager, T.D., Kober, H., Bliss-Moreau, E., & Barrett, L.F. (2012). The brain basis of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 35(3), 121-143.

Pratt, M., Singer, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., & Feldman, R. (2015). Infant negative reactivity defines the effects of parent–child synchrony on physiological and behavioral regulation of social stress. Development and Psychopathology, 27(4pt1), 1191-1204.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). Situating and extending the sense of should: Reply to comments on “The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure.” Physics of Life Reviews 37, 10-16.

 Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure. Physics of Life Reviews 36, 100-136.

Tugade, M.M., Fredrickson, B.L., & Barrett, L.F. (2004). Psychological resilience and positive emotional granularity: Examining the benefits of positive emotions on coping and health. Journal of Personality 72(6), 1161-1190.

Waters, S. F., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2014). Stress contagion: Physiological covariation between mothers and infants. Psychological science, 25(4), 934-942.

 Wilson-Mendenhall, C.D., Barrett, L.F., & Barsalou, L.W. (2013). Situating emotional experience. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 7, 764.

Xu, F., Cote, M., & Baker, A. (2005). Labeling guides object individuation in 12 month old infants. Psychological Science 16(5), 372-377.

Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from?

Do you think that if you look at a person’s face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they’re feeling?

But at the same time, do your child’s feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can’t figure them out?

Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we've thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong.

We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they're angry and people also scowl when they aren't angry.

We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a 'snarky' tone and think: "My child doesn't respect me," when actually they're feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn't been met.

And sometimes there isn't a deep psychological reason why they're having big emotions...sometimes it's a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their 'body budget' (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well).

Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made...and what this means for:

How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we've experienced)

How we talk with kids about emotions ("You hit Johnny and now he's feeling sad" might not be the best way to do this);

What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to 'come out of nowhere' - which actually happens fairly rarely.

This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett's theory of emotions so we didn't have to waste 20 minutes of our precious hour together to do that. I also wanted to share my thoughts on the implications of these ideas for our families and the episode would have been too long so I split it in half. In this episode you'll hear the introduction to the theory, half of the conversation with Dr. Barrett, and my thoughts on what we've heard so far.

In an upcoming episode we'll hear the second half of the interview as well as my overarching take-aways from across the two episodes.

And just a reminder that if you're having your own big emotional reactions in response to your child's difficult (but age-appropriate) behavior, there are real reasons for that.

We discuss meaning-making in the conversation with Dr. Barrett: in the Taming Your Triggers workshop we focus heavily on making meaning out of your experience. Whether you've experienced trauma and need help seeing the connections between your experiences and your triggered feelings towards your children, or if you need help with your body budgeting today, in Taming Your Triggers we'll help you to:

Feel triggered less often;

Find ways to meet your needs - and your child's needs - on a much more regular basis;

Learn how to repair effectively with your child on the (far fewer!) occasions when things didn't go the way you would have hoped.

Click the image below to learn more and  join the waitlist!

 

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's book (Affiliate Links)

How Emotions Are Made

Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain

 

Jump to Highlights

00:53 Introducing today’s topic and guests

04:16 Studies show that facial expressions don’t always show how a person is truly feeling.

09:02 Dr. Paul Ekman's research suggested universal emotions, but later studies show emotions are influenced by learned concepts and vary across cultures.

15:56 Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett shares that while some scientists resist the idea of emotions being constructed, many people find it intuitive.

19:56 Dr. Barrett emphasizes that parents can guide children in understanding emotions by thoughtfully choosing words, which help kids interpret their body signals and shape their emotional experiences.

29:02 Physical expressions don't directly correlate with emotions, making it essential to consider context when interpreting feelings.

37:16 Sometimes, parents think their child is being disrespectful when they are just having a tough day. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it's better to be curious about how others feel.

43:24 Jen’s key takeaways from the conversation

 

References

Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68.

Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429.

Barrett, L.F., Gross, J., Christensen, T.C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion 15(6), 713-724.

Eisenberger, N.I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews: Neuroscience 13, 421-434.

Fischer, S. (July 2013). About Face. Boston Magazine, 68-73.

Gee, D. G., Gabard-Durnam, L., Telzer, E. H., Humphreys, K. L., Goff, B., Shapiro, M., ... & Tottenham, N. (2014). Maternal buffering of human amygdala-prefrontal circuitry during childhood but not during adolescence. Psychological Science, 25(11), 2067-2078.

Gopnik, A., & Sobel, D. M. (2000). Detecting blickets: How young children use information about novel causal powers in categorization and induction. Child Development, 71(5), 1205-1222.

Gross, J.J., & Barrett, L.F. (2011). Emotion generation and emotion regulation: One or two depends on your point of view. Emotion Review 3(1), 8-16.

Haidt, J., & Keltner, D. (1999). Culture and facial expression: Open-ended methods find more expressions and a gradient of recognition. Cognition & Emotion, 13, 225–266.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., Crittenden, A.N., Mangola, S.M., Endeko, E.S., Dussault, E., Barrett, L.F., & Mesquita, B. (2023). What we can learn about emotion by talking with the Hadza. Perspectives on Psychological Science 19(1), 173-200.

Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., & Barrett, L.F. (2022). Assessing the power of words to facilitate emotion category learning. Affective Science 3, 69-80.

Hoemann, K., Khan, Z., Kamona, N., Dy, J., Barrett, L.F., & Quigley, K.S. (2020). Investigating the relationship between emotional granularity and cardiorespiratory physiological activity in daily life. Psychophysiology 58(6), e13818.

Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D.T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science 330, 932.

Lindquist, K.A., Wager, T.D., Kober, H., Bliss-Moreau, E., & Barrett, L.F. (2012). The brain basis of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 35(3), 121-143.

Pratt, M., Singer, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., & Feldman, R. (2015). Infant negative reactivity defines the effects of parent–child synchrony on physiological and behavioral regulation of social stress. Development and Psychopathology, 27(4pt1), 1191-1204.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). Situating and extending the sense of should: Reply to comments on “The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure.” Physics of Life Reviews 37, 10-16.

Theriault, J.E., Young, L., & Barrett, L.F. (2021). The sense of should: A biologically-based framework for modeling social pressure. Physics of Life Reviews 36, 100-136.

Tugade, M.M., Fredrickson, B.L., & Barrett, L.F. (2004). Psychological resilience and positive emotional granularity: Examining the benefits of positive emotions on coping and health. Journal of Personality 72(6), 1161-1190.

Waters, S. F., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2014). Stress contagion: Physiological covariation between mothers and infants. Psychological science, 25(4), 934-942.

Wilson-Mendenhall, C.D., Barrett, L.F., & Barsalou, L.W. (2013). Situating emotional experience. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 7, 764.

Xu, F., Cote, M., & Baker, A. (2005). Labeling guides object individuation in 12 month old infants. Psychological Science 16(5), 372-377.

v

I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we're able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult.

We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: "Why would you DO that?!", or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance.

Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids' behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called "autopilot parenting," and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them - just like his parents had done to him.

So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his 'wins.'

🚗 There was the time he was able to create a pause when his kids started fighting in the back seat instead of exploding at them.

🛁 He was able to identify his needs, and his children's needs when they were throwing water out of the bath all over the floor, and find a strategy that met both of their needs.

🧸 And then there was the time when his son had smuggled four of his bedtime toys under his school uniform to the car, and Jody immediately saw that his wife was having a hard time because she didn't want the toys to be dirty, and she also didn't want the bedtime shit-show that was going to happen if the toys were still in the wash.

His initial attempt to help his wife fell flat, and she angrily said: "Don't talk to me like a child!". He regrouped, and the phrase he used to defuse the situation deeply touched many of us in the Taming Your Triggers community when he shared it with us. He found a way to meet THREE people's needs in that situation, and was justifiably proud of himself. 🎉

If you want your kids to experience unconditional love and acceptance but you don't know how to make that happen in the difficult moments, I'd so love to work with you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

I know it's risky to put yourself out there and admit that you're having a hard time.

There's always the concern that these tools might work for Jody, and still not work for you - you might have some failing that means you can't use the tools, even if they work for other parents.

You might also worry that the tools won't work for your neurodivergent/sensitive/etc. kid.

I totally get those concerns. And...at the end of the day, we're all people - and all people have needs. I can help you heal from the hurts you've experienced and get your needs met more of the time, and then you'll feel triggered less often. I'm so confident about this that I guarantee it - if you aren't happy with your experience in the workshop for any reason, at any time, we'll give you 100% of your money back. (Plus we have multiple pricing options to make it affordable in the first place).

🎁 And as an extra bonus for you: Jody will be a peer coach in the Taming Your Triggers workshop this time around - because sometimes the person you learn from most effectively is the person who was standing where you are right now just a year ago.

Join the waitlist now to get notified when doors reopen. Click the banner to learn more.

 

 

Jump to Highlights

00:45  Introducing today’s guest

01:28. Jody shifted from "Always tired" to "Actively seeking rest" after years of exhaustion from raising four kids and realizing the need to prioritize rest.

02:52. Jody realized his strict upbringing influenced his parenting, but the Your Parenting Mojo podcast helped him recognize the need for change.

05:38. Jody joined the Parenting Membership seeking easier parenting solutions, but after struggling with triggers and reverting to old habits, he realized he needed Taming Your Triggers to better manage his own emotions.

09:22  Jody describes a breakthrough from the Taming Your Triggers course, where he learned to pause during a tense moment with his kids, choosing calm over impulsive reaction.

23:47. Jody views parenting as part of his identity, not a job, allowing him to connect with his kids while fulfilling his own needs.30:00 Jody appreciated the AccountaBuddy process for its non-judgmental space to discuss parenting challenges, which fostered connection and emotional relief.

33:38. Jody describes how the Taming Your Triggers workshop enabled him to shift from seeking forgiveness to accepting his parents as they are, leading to a more peaceful family dynamic during a visit.

44:59. Jody shares three simple practices for managing triggers.

There are several books available on mom rage by now.  They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children.

They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health.  (Yes to all of those things, obviously.)

There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and why it’s happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes.

Minna Dubin’s book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things.

I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it.

Katie didn’t even think the term ‘mom rage’ applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES!  That’s ME!”.

I’m so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it.

We’ll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren’t alone in experiencing rage, and that you don’t have to be alone in addressing it either.

If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I’d love to see you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

Here’s what previous participants have said about doing this work with me:

 

Click the banner to learn more and join the waitlist.

 

 

Minna Dubin's Book (Affiliate Link)

Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood

Jump to Highlights

00:52. Introducing today’s episode and featured guests

03:19. The "PR team" represents societal expectations of motherhood, pressuring mothers to meet unrealistic standards alone.

13:59. Society's pressures and high expectations for mothers can lead to feelings of anger and unworthiness.

22:07 Mothers frequently feel isolated and overwhelmed as they prioritize their children's needs over their own, which can result in feelings of anger and frustration.

32:52 Motherhood brings big changes and societal pressures, making support from other moms essential.

39:32 We tend to judge ourselves and other parents, but noticing this can help us be kinder, since everyone is dealing with their own struggles.

44:11 It's important for moms to talk openly about their moments of rage to feel less shame and more support

55:04 It’s important for parents to identify their triggers and communicate openly with partners about differences in parenting decisions while building supportive networks to navigate societal pressures.

 

References

Bakermans‐Kranenburg, M. J., Lotz, A., Alyousefi‐van Dijk, K., & van IJzendoorn, M. (2019). Birth of a father: Fathering in the first 1,000 days. Child Development Perspectives, 13(4), 247-253.

Burgard, S.A. (2011). The needs of others: Gender and sleep interruptions for caregivers. Social Forces 89(4), 1189-1216.

Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage becomes her: The power of women’s anger. New York: Atria.

Horrell, N. D., Acosta, M. C., & Saltzman, W. (2021). Plasticity of the paternal brain: Effects of fatherhood on neural structure and function. Developmental psychobiology, 63(5), 1499-1520.

Kessler, R.C. et al. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry 62(6), 617-627.

Krizan, Z. & Hisler, G. (2019). Sleepy anger: Restricted sleep amplifies angry feelings. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 148(7)1239-1250.

Ou, C.H.K, & Hall, W.A. (2017). Anger in the context of postnatal depression: An integrative review. Birth 45, 336-346.

Ou, C.H.K., Hall, W.A., Rodney, P., & Stremler, R. (2022). Correlates of Canadian mothers’ anger during the postpartum period: A cross-sectional survey. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth 22: 163.

Paternina-Die, M., Martínez-García, M., Pretus, C., Hoekzema, E., Barba-Müller, E., Martín de Blas, D., ... & Carmona, S. (2020). The paternal transition entails neuroanatomic adaptations that are associated with the father’s brain response to his infant cues. Cerebral Cortex Communications, 1(1), tgaa082.

Scharrer, E., Warren, S., Grimshaw, E., Kamau, G., Cho, S., Reijven, M., & Zhang, C. (2021). Disparaged Dads? A content analysis of depictions of fathers in U.S. sitcoms over time. Psychology of Popular Media 10(2), 275-287.

Szymanski, D.M. et al. (2009). Internalized misogyny as a moderator of the link between sexist events and women’s psychological distress. Sex Roles 61(102), 101-109.

 

Today's episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to:

The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent's fault.

In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields' LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers - because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive.

I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don't have to spend meeting our children's needs - or our needs.

I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively.

If you see that your relationship with your child isn't where you want it to be because you:

Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child...

Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated...

Feel guilt and/or shame about how they're experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them...

...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.

Join the waitlist now. Click the banner to learn more.

 

 

Other episodes mentioned

207: How to not be a permissive parent

224: How to heal your Mom Rage (coming up)

 

 

Jump to Highlights

00:58 Introducing today’s topic

01:17 Listener recorded question

02:55 Jen empathizes with the parent's stress and dual triggers of misbehavior and self-judgment, acknowledges potential trauma or neurodivergence, validates their experience.

18:26 Understand your triggers by exploring nine categories (LIFEMORTS): life or limb, insult, family, environment, mate, order in society, resources, tribe, and stopped, as outlined by Dr. R. Douglas Fields.

34:02 Mom rage, deeply intertwined with systemic gender and racial inequalities, reflects broader societal issues and significantly impacts women's health and parenting.

46:06 Intergenerational trauma affects all communities, passing down violence and its impacts through generations.

46:55 Three ways to support parents dealing with their own trauma and its impact on their children.

I know that when you start using new parenting tools, things don't always go according to plan. Your kids don't say what you think they will, or maybe you perceive that their behavior is just kind of crappy, or maybe your partner isn't on board with your ideas.

In this episode I address what to do about all of these challenges, as well as how to use the tools I work with to address difficult topics like children wanting ever more snack foods, ever more screen time, and refusing to go to school.

We hear from parents who have managed to address tricky challenges - including a child with a skin condition who must take a bath daily and who was successfully extending the dinner/running around/reading books process until bedtime was delayed as well. Once the child's parents came to see what needs the child was trying to meet, bath time suddenly wasn't a problem anymore.

I share some realizations that parents have had about their place in the world as they've engaged with my work and how I plan to shift the ways I talk about these issues moving forward.

I also invite you to celebrate with my book Parenting Beyond Power's first birthday by baking (or buying) some cupcakes! One of many parents' favorite ideas in the book was the feelings and needs cupcakes, which makes it easy to visualize your most common feelings and needs.

We've made some flags you can print and use with your children to identify your (and their) feelings and needs. Share them on social media and be invited to a group coaching call with me later in September, and stick them to the fridge as a reminder of how to connect with your kids - and yourself!

Finally, a couple of invitations. The Right From The Start course, which I run with Hannah and Kelty of Upbringing, is now available whenever you need it (rather than waiting for the next cohort to begin. If you're expecting a baby or have a child under the age of one, Right From The Start will help you to get clear on your values and goals around raising your child so you can put the systems you need in place before you get to the really tough toddler years.

Parent Annie said: "I am so jealous (but excited for others)... that there is something like this for first time mothers. I wish I had it with my first born as it would have been so helpful for my nerves and anxiety surrounding my new profession of 'child raiser!"

Learn more and sign up - you can also gift the course to to a friend or relative who is expecting or has a baby under the age of one. We have sliding scale pricing and a 100% money back guarantee!

And if you're interested in doing explicitly anti-racist, patriarchy-healing, capitalism-busting work with me (which I know isn't for everyone!), I'd love to invite you to join me for the Parenting Beyond Power book club hosted by Moms Against Racism Canada.

It's a 'book club' in that we'll be working with the ideas in Parenting Beyond Power (we couldn't think of what else to call it...which is also how I ended up with Your Parenting Mojo!), but it's really a set of six 90-minute group coaching calls on Friday evenings where we'll explore how we've been harmed by systems of power, and how we can be in relationship with our children in a way that's aligned with our values.

If you (and maybe the folks in your community as well?) have been wanting to know more about how to take anti-racist action with your kids but weren't sure how to do it, the book club will help you to do it. If you'd like to invite your crew, we can give you a special link and when five people use it to sign up, your own spot will be free.

179: I Never Thought of It That Way with Mónica Guzmán and Lulu

Jump to Highlights

01:37 Introducing today’s episode

05:21 Parenting Beyond Power challenges traditional parenting by connecting social justice issues like White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism to parenting methods, advocating for tools that promote equality and understanding.

17:17 The book shows how conscious and compassionate parenting can reshape family interactions and influence broader societal change.

28:49 The book helps readers tackle judgmental parenting habits, fostering more compassionate and understanding relationships with their children.

34:26 Some readers find it harder to change communication patterns with their partners than with their children; they struggle with deep-rooted patterns and differing strategies when handling tough situations.

44:45 Parenting Beyond Power helps parents understand and address their child's resistance by focusing on meeting both the child's and their own needs.

52:04 Wrapping up with two options for further support: on-demand Right From The Start course for new parents and Parenting Beyond Power book club with coaching on social issues in parenting

This episode was...unplanned. :-) A couple of months ago I interviewed Dr. Louise Newson on the topic of menopause. Dr. Newson is a medical doctor and focused very heavily on Hormone Replacement Therapy as a treatment that everyone who menstruates should at least consider, and I knew I wanted to do an episode with someone who doesn't hold that belief as well.

I found Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer of The Red School, and really appreciated their book Wise Power. As I usually do before recording an interview I read their other co-authored book Wild Power, and I realized there was a 'missing' episode on the topic of Menstrual Cycle Awareness. We can't really talk about being aware of the changes that are happening to our bodies during menopause if we don't know what has happened to our bodies throughout our menstruating years.

When I read Wild Power I felt a deep sense of sadness that I was just discovering this now, as my own years of menstruation wind down - but also a deep sense of hope that I can help Carys develop a much closer relationship with her own body than I had with mine.

We'll answer questions like:

• 
  
• What phases does my body go through each month?
• 
  
• 
  
• How can I start becoming more aware of these phases through Menstrual Cycle Awareness?
• 
  
• 
  
• How can I align my activities with my energy levels, creativity, and arousal - even in the real world, which wants me to go-go-go all the time?
• 
  
• 
  
• How is my inner critic aligned with my cycle, and how can I use its knowledge to help me?
• 
  
• 
  
• How can I navigate Menstrual Cycle Awareness if I've had a difficult relationship with my periods and with fertility?
• 
  

I'd encourage you to listen to this episode if:

• 
  
• You menstruate and want to better understand how menstruation affects your life
• 
  
• 
  
• You're raising a child who will menstruate and want to prepare them to feel 'at home' in their bodies
• 
  
• 
  
• You love someone who menstruates and want to be better attuned to them
• 
  
• 
  
• You're raising a child who will never menstruate, but you want them to appreciate menstruation and know how to effectively support people who menstruate.
• 
  

In other words, everyone will get something out of this episode!

Alexandra and Sjanie’s books (Affiliate Links):

Wild power: Discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power

Wise power: Discover the liberating power of menopause to awaken authority, purpose and belonging

Jump to Highlights

00:46 Introducing today’s topic and featured guests

03:39 Menstruation is the monthly process where the body sheds the lining of the uterus, and it also brings emotional, psychological, and even spiritual changes.

17:18 Menstrual cycle awareness is about understanding and respecting our natural rhythms, which can improve our well-being and productivity by honoring the need for rest and reflection in our lives.

31:20 Recognizing and respecting your menstrual cycle can improve your well-being by allowing you to adjust your activities and manage your energy more effectively.

40:10 The inner critic gets stronger during the pre-menstrual phase of the menstrual cycle. Knowing this can help you take better care of yourself and manage parenting challenges.

53:09 Menstrual cycle awareness can help with personal healing and self-care, even for those who face challenges like heavy periods or grief, by fostering connection with one's own body and experiences.

58:52 Wrapping up the discussion

References

Alfonseca, K., & Guilfoil, K. (2022, July 19). Should people of all genders be taught sex education together? Educators weigh in. ABC News. Retrieved from: https://abcnews.go.com/US/people-genders-taught-sex-education-educators-weigh/story?id=87021246

Andrews, S. (n.d.). Should schools separate sex ed classes by gender? NextGenMen. Retrieved from: https://www.nextgenmen.ca/blog/should-schools-separate-sex-ed-classes-by-gender