Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child's, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection.
Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting?
No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child's and the parent's needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child's desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent's needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child's needs.
Why don't logical consequences and offering limited choices always work?
Logical consequences and offering limited choices don't always work because they are often strategies to control a child's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don't meet these needs, so the behavior continues.
How can I set effective limits without sliding into permissiveness?
To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child's. Identify the underlying need you're currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child's. This prevents you from prioritizing the child's desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting.
What's the difference between a natural consequence and a logical consequence?
A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn't do what they were told.
How can I meet both my needs and my child's needs in challenging situations?
Meeting both your needs and your child's needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child's need for connection, while also meeting the parent's need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time.
What's the underlying cause of my child's resistance to everyday routines?
The underlying cause of a child's resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative.
Is there an alternative to the four traditional parenting styles?
Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a 'harmonious' method where parents consider the child's ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting - but she decided not to research it further!
What you'll learn in this episode
In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting.
You'll learn why traditional parenting tools like logical consequences and offering limited choices often don't work in the long run. Logical consequences are essentially punishments that don't address the underlying needs causing resistance, while offering limited choices doesn't truly respect a child's autonomy.
The episode introduces a powerful alternative framework focused on understanding both your needs and your child's needs. You'll see how identifying these needs opens up multiple strategies for cooperation without power struggles. Through real examples like Cori's story with her toddler who resisted toothbrushing for a year, you'll witness how this approach can transform seemingly impossible situations.
We critique the traditional four parenting styles, explaining how they were originally developed as models of parental control rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. We introduce a version of gentle parenting that considers children's needs as equally important as parents' needs - not more, and not less.
You'll gain practical language tools for setting clear boundaries and fostering genuine autonomy. These simple phrases can dramatically shift your interactions from struggle to cooperation.
By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to set necessary limits while still respecting your child's autonomy and building connection. You'll see that it's possible to parent effectively without resorting to power-over approaches - or becoming permissive.
FAQs
What's the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting?
Gentle parenting focuses on treating children with respect and understanding the needs behind behaviors, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Permissive parenting, on the other hand, prioritizes the child's needs over the parent's needs, allowing children to "walk all over" parents. The key distinction is that this version of gentle parenting acknowledges that both the parent's and child's needs matter equally.
Why do logical consequences feel uncomfortable to use?
Logical consequences often feel uncomfortable because they're essentially punishments dressed up in friendly-sounding language. They attempt to control children's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs causing resistance. When we implement logical consequences, we're using our power over our children in ways we wouldn't consider acceptable in adult relationships.
My child resists everyday routines like toothbrushing and getting dressed. What's really going on?
Resistance often signals unmet needs. For example, a child who stalls at bedtime may have an unmet need for connection with you. A child who refuses to get dressed might be seeking autonomy (if they want to do it themselves) or connection (if they want your help). Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, try to identify and address the underlying need. Sometimes meeting needs in one area (like autonomy) can reduce resistance in seemingly unrelated areas.
What can I say instead of "I can't" when setting boundaries with my child?
Using "I am not willing to..." instead of "I can't..." acknowledges that you're making a choice based on your needs rather than suggesting you have no choice. For example, instead of saying "I can't play now, I have to cook dinner," try "I'm not willing to play right now because I need to prepare our meal." This language models honest boundary-setting and acknowledges that you're prioritizing certain needs over others in that moment.
How can I encourage cooperation without resorting to limited choices or consequences?
Start by asking "Are you willing to...?" which acknowledges your child's autonomy. Ensure this is a genuine choice they can say no to. When resistance occurs, get curious about the underlying needs rather than insisting on compliance. Find creative solutions that meet both your needs, like washing hands with a cloth at the table rather than insisting they go to the sink, or inviting them to help with dinner preparation if they're seeking connection.
What if my child seems to have an insatiable need for connection?
Some children do have stronger needs for connection than others. Check in with yourself to see if you're able to meet their need without sacrificing your own needs. When you notice feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment arising, these are signals that it's time to set a boundary. Using "I'm not willing to..." language helps you honor both your needs and teaches your child that setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships.
How is this approach different from the traditional parenting styles?
The four traditional parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful) were originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind as "models of parental control" rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. They focus on controlling children's behavior rather than meeting everyone's needs. Interestingly, Baumrind actually identified a fifth approach she called "harmonious" parenting, which resembles the needs-based approach discussed in this episode, but didn't pursue researching it further.
How can I tell if I'm being permissive?
You're being permissive when you consistently prioritize your child's needs over your own. If you notice feelings of resentment building up or find yourself thinking "they always get their way," these are clues that you might be sliding into permissiveness. The alternative isn't strict control but rather ensuring that both your needs and your child's needs are acknowledged and addressed.
And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits.
Click the banner to learn more.
Other episodes mentioned
020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?
181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead
148:Is spanking a child really so bad?
Jump to highlights
01:21 Introduction of today’s episode
02:47 Many parents believe that gentle, respectful parenting inevitably leads to being permissive. This episode challenges that misconception, arguing that the "slippery slope" from respectful to permissive parenting isn't inevitable. We'll examine why gentle parenting doesn't mean surrendering authority and explore alternatives to both permissiveness and strict authoritative approaches
05:50 Dr. Baumrind identified four methods of parental control, but also found a fifth "harmonious" approach used by parents who rejected the demandingness scale. These parents treated their children's needs as equally important as their own. The six children raised with this approach showed positive outcomes, especially girls, whom Dr. Baumrind noted were "easy to control," reflecting her criteria for effective parenting
10:29 Getting out the door on time, stopping sofa jumping, or ending screen time aren't actual needs—they're strategies we use to meet deeper needs like physical safety, peace, or feeling competent as parents. Understanding the difference between strategies and true needs helps us see what's really driving our parenting decisions
21:24 Logical consequences, are actually punishments created by parents, unlike natural consequences which occur without parental intervention. Natural consequences happen organically without requiring a parent to decide or enforce the outcome
23:55 Logical consequences in parent-child relationships likely count as more than one negative interaction because parents hold significant power over children and serve as primary attachment figures, unlike the adult relationships the Gottmans studied
29:00 When we recognize the underlying need behind a child's behavior, we can find strategies meeting both our needs, instead of relying on logical consequences. With a very young child, offering choices can “work” because they don't fully see that the choices you're offering are not meeting their need for autonomy
36:21 We shouldn't try to address connection needs only during rushed morning routines. Instead, we should take a broader approach, ensuring we meet our children's connection needs throughout the day. When children feel consistently connected, they won't desperately seek attention during high-pressure moments like morning departures or bedtime routines
38:57 When children seek more connection, we introduce boundaries by first checking in with ourselves. If you've met your own needs and can approach your child with an open heart, consider whether their request for connection either meets your own need for connection or doesn't prevent you from meeting another need. In these situations, both your needs and your child's needs are being met, creating a positive outcome
44:09 When we parent were not being permissive but rather balanced, we agree when both our needs align, and set boundaries when our needs aren't being met. This approach teaches children that boundaries are valuable life skills
44:40 Wrapping up the discussion
45:30 An open invitation for Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop
References
Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 08). Episode 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do? Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/
Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 9). Episode 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/givingchoices/
Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 6). Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/spanking/
