• Why the 8-12 age range creates optimal conditions for developing business skills without academic or social pressure
• How kid businesses naturally teach organization, time management, and systems thinking that parents struggle to instill through traditional methods
• Practical examples of how young entrepreneurs develop emotional regulation, boundary setting, and clear communication about their capacity and needs
• The "guide on the side" approach to supporting kids without taking over their learning process
• Safety protocols and systems that protect young business owners while building real-world confidence
• How to identify service-based business opportunities that match your child's interests and community needs
• The compound effect of early financial literacy, including retirement savings strategies for kid entrepreneurs
• Why neurodivergent children often thrive in business contexts where their differences become strengths rather than challenges
• The answers to common parental concerns about childhood, safety, education, and an excessive focus on money
• Real-world examples from a successful 10-year-old pet sitting business, including client interactions, problem-solving scenarios, and financial outcomes

The Learning Membership helps you become the "guide on the side" who follows your child's true interests and supports them in developing the crucial capabilities they will need.

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• Why the "hockey stick" graphs showing teen mental health decline might be misleading, and what factors like better screening and diagnostic changes actually explain
• The surprising truth about social media research - including why studies showing harm have major flaws and why effect sizes are incredibly small
• What the international data really shows about teen mental health across countries with similar smartphone adoption rates
• Why family relationships, not screen time, are the strongest predictor of teen wellbeing according to emergency room data
• How control-based approaches like phone bans create sneaking, secrecy, and damaged trust instead of healthier habits
• The real reasons teens turn to phones - and how to address underlying needs for autonomy, connection, and relevance
• Evidence-based strategies for supporting teen mental health that focus on connection over control
• Why different communities experience teen distress differently, and how this affects our understanding of social media's impact
• How to have technology conversations with your teen that build trust rather than create power struggles
• Practical approaches for creating compelling offline experiences and supporting your teen's individual needs

• Why traditional family phone rules and "you're in charge" digital parenting approaches often strengthen the very behaviors you're trying to eliminate
• The hidden parallels between attempts to limit social media usage and failed drug prevention programs like DARE - and what this means for your family
• How to recognize when your teen's social media use is a coping mechanism for other struggles, and what to address instead of just restricting time
• Practical strategies for creating meaningful offline experiences that genuinely compete with digital entertainment, addressing core questions about how much time should a teenager spend on their phone
• Real conversation scripts for discussing teenage social media use with tweens, teens, neurodivergent children, and kids who may be experiencing social media-related harm
• Why some children need social media access for mental health support, and how to balance teens internet safety with connection to vital communities
• Evidence-based approaches to parenting social media that build trust while addressing legitimate safety concerns about teenage social media use

In Part 1 of this mini-series looking at Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation, we discovered that the teen mental health crisis might not be as dramatic as The Anxious Generation claims - and that changes in diagnosis and coding could be inflating the numbers. But even if we accept that teens' struggles have increased somewhat, the next crucial question is: what's actually causing the change?

Jonathan Haidt is adamant that social media causes depression and anxiety in teenagers. He claims that "dozens of experiments" prove social media use is a CAUSE, not just a correlate, of mental health problems. But when you dig into the studies, as we do in this episode, we'll see that the 'causal' data is nowhere near as strong as Haidt claims.

We'll examine the experimental evidence behind social media and teen mental health claims, reveal why leading researchers compare social media effects on teens to eating potatoes, and uncover what factors actually explain 99% of youth mental health outcomes. Because if we're going to spend time and energy helping our kids, we want to make sure we're spending it doing things that will actually help.

Does social media really cause teen depression and anxiety? Research shows correlation, not proven causation, with social media effects on teens explaining less than 1% of wellbeing, similar to the effect of eating potatoes. (Some researchers argue that this is still important enough to pay attention to - the episode explores why.)

Why do I keep hearing that social media is harmful if the research is weak? Many (but not all) social media studies find some evidence of harm, but when you look at the methodology this isn't surprising - researchers do things like sending participants daily reminders that "limiting social media is good for you," and then asking them how much social media they've consumed and how they feel. It's hard to draw strong conclusions from this data!

How can different studies on social media show opposite results? Researchers studying teen social media use can get completely different results from the same data depending on how they choose to analyze it. The episode looks at those choices and what they mean for understanding whether social media causes kids' depression and anxiety.

Is limiting my teen's social media use actually going to help them? Current evidence suggests that some kids who use social media a lot are vulnerable to experiencing depression and anxiety, and limiting their use specifically may be protective. There is little evidence to support the idea that blanket bans on kids' social media/smart phone usage will result in dramatic improvements in youth mental health, and focusing on issues that are more clearly connected to mental health would likely have a greater positive impact.

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• How most social media research creates results that don't tell us what we want to know (but then reports the results as if they do)
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• How the same teen mental health data can be analyzed to support opposite conclusions about social media effects on teens
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• What family relationships, academic pressure, and economic stress reveal about the real drivers of youth mental health issues
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• How social media and teen mental health correlations explain the same amount of variance as seemingly irrelevant factors like potato consumption
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• How researcher bias and study design flaws make social media studies less reliable than parents think
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• What happens when kids who benefit from social media lose access to it
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• Why the focus on teen social media use might distract from addressing bigger factors affecting your child's wellbeing
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• How to evaluate social media research claims critically when making decisions about your family's technology use
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• What the ongoing debate between leading researchers reveals about the uncertainty in digital wellness science
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• Why blanket solutions like social media bans might miss the complex realities of teen mental health challenges
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The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)

Jump to highlights

00:45 Introduction of today’s episode

01:40 Haidt explains that after reviewing many research studies with his colleagues Jean Twenge and Zach Rausch, social media doesn't just happen to show up alongside mental health problems in teens - it's actually creating them. The research shows that social media use leads to increased anxiety and depression, rather than simply being something that anxious and depressed teens tend to use more often

05:28 According to Dr. Gray, despite potential placebo effects boosting results, researchers found mostly no significant improvements in well-being from reducing social media use, only small effects on loneliness and depression that could easily be explained by chance

12:20 Dr. Amy Orben's Specification Curve Analysis is a sophisticated attempt to show how research choices affect outcomes

15:12 A study by Schwartz found that both the group that quit Instagram AND the control group that kept using it normally BOTH improved on measures of depression and self-esteem, which the researchers admitted might just be because being in a study about social media usage made people more aware of their usage

26:54 Dr. Twenge's studies of over 100,000 teens found heavy social media users were twice as likely to report depression, low well-being, and suicide risk, especially girls

31:42 Dr. Orben uses a technique called Specification Curve Analysis, which is a way to evaluate how the choices a researcher makes affect the study outcomes

34:35 Some of the factors that are bigger contributors than screen time usage

42:53 Dr. Orben describes repeating technology panics: radio, comics, TV, video games, now social media. Research lags behind fears, creating cycles where society panics about new tech before understanding previous ones

50:19 People tend to agree with yes/no questions regardless of content, even contradictory statements. Question-wording heavily influences responses, inflating correlations due to response style rather than genuine opinions

54:00 Wrapping up

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf

City of Palo Alto. (2021). City of Palo Alto: Suicide prevention policy and mental health promotion [Draft policy document]. Project Safety Net. https://www.psnyouth.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/DRAFT-Palo-Alto-Suicide-Prevention-Policy-and-Mental-Health-Promotion-dT.pdf

Clinical Practice Research Datalink. Clinical Practice Research Datalink (CPRD) is a real-world research service supporting retrospective and prospective public health and clinical studies. CPRD. https://www.cprd.com/

Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Young people's perceptions of their parents' expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism. Psychological Bulletin, 148(1-2), 107-128. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000347

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2019, September 13). Long-term trends in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts among adolescents and young adults. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/long-term-trends-suicidal-ideation-suicide-attempts-adolescents-young-adults/

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2020, July 27). Mental health and suicide statistics for teens in Santa Clara County. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/mental-health-suicide-santa-clara/

Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they're on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf

Garfield, R., Orgera, K., & Damico, A. (2019, January 25). The uninsured and the ACA: A primer - Key facts about health insurance and the uninsured amidst changes to the Affordable Care Act. KFF. https://www.kff.org/report-section/the-uninsured-and-the-aca-a-primer-key-facts-about-health-insurance-and-the-uninsured-amidst-changes-to-the-affordable-care-act-how-many-people-are-uninsured/

Gulbas, L. E., & Zayas, L. H. (2015). Examining the interplay among family, culture, and Latina teen suicidal behavior. Qualitative Health Research, 25(5), 689-699. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049732314553598

Haas, A. P., Rodgers, P. L., & Herman, J. L. (2014, January). Suicide attempts among transgender and gender non-conforming adults: Findings of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Trans-GNC-Suicide-Attempts-Jan-2014.pdf

Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. Better mental health [Ongoing open-source literature review]. The Coddling. https://www.thecoddling.com/better-mental-health

Haidt, J., Rausch, Z., & Twenge, J. (ongoing). Social media and mental health: A collaborative review. Unpublished manuscript, New York University. Accessed at tinyurl.com/SocialMediaMentalHealthReview

Hunt, M., Auriemma, J., & Cashaw, A. C. A. (2003). Self-report bias and underreporting of depression on the BDI-II. Journal of Personality Assessment, 80(1), 26-30. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327752JPA8001_10

Johns Hopkins Medicine. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

Martin, J. L. (2002). Power, authority, and the constraint of belief systems. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 861-904. https://doi.org/10.1086/343192

Mueller, A. S., & Abrutyn, S. (2024). Addressing the social roots of suicide. In Life Under Pressure (pp. 191-218). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190847845.003.0008

NHS Digital. (2020). Mental health of children and young people in England, 2020 [Data set]. UK Data Service. https://doi.org/10.5255/UKDA-SN-9128-2

Programme for International Student Assessment. (2024, May). Managing screen time: How to protect and equip students against distraction. OECD. https://www.oecd.org/content/dam/oecd/en/publications/reports/2024/05/managing-screen-time_023f2390/7c225af4-en.pdf

Rosin, H. (2015, December). The Silicon Valley suicides: Why are so many kids with bright prospects killing themselves in Palo Alto? The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/

Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health. (2020, March). Suicide. State of Child Health. https://stateofchildhealth.rcpch.ac.uk/evidence/mental-health/suicide/

Sarginson, J., Webb, R. T., Stocks, S. J., Esmail, A., Garg, S., & Ashcroft, D. M. (2017). Temporal trends in antidepressant prescribing to children in UK primary care, 2000–2015. Journal of Affective Disorders, 210, 312-318. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2016.12.047

Scottish Government. (2024, March 18). Supporting development of a self-harm strategy for Scotland, what does the qualitative evidence tell us? Gov.scot. https://www.gov.scot/publications/supporting-development-self-harm-strategy-scotland-qualitative-evidence-tell/

Thomas, J. F., Temple, J. R., Perez, N., & Rupp, R. (2011). Ethnic and gender disparities in needed adolescent mental health care. Journal of Health Care for the Poor and Underserved, 22(1), 101-110. https://doi.org/10.1353/hpu.2011.0029

Townsend, E., Ness, J., Waters, K., Rehman, M., Kapur, N., Clements, C., Geulayov, G., Bale, E., Casey, D., & Hawton, K. (2022). Life problems in children and adolescents who self‐harm: Findings from the multicenter study of self‐harm in England. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 27(4), 352-360. https://doi.org/10.1111/camh.12544

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Minority Health. (n.d.). Mental and behavioral health - American Indians/Alaska Natives. https://minorityhealth.hhs.gov/mental-and-behavioral-health-american-indiansalaska-natives

Wong, Y. J., Wang, L., Li, S., & Liu, H. (2017). Circumstances preceding the suicide of Asian Pacific Islander Americans and White Americans. Death Studies, 41(5), 311-317. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2016.1275888

Zulyniak, S., Wiens, K., Bulloch, A. G. M., Williams, J. V. A., Lukmanji, A., Dores, A. K., Isherwood, L. J., & Patten, S. B. (2021). Increasing rates of youth and adolescent suicide in Canadian women. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 67(1), 67-69. https://doi.org/10.1177/07067437211017875

• How changes in diagnostic criteria and healthcare access may have inflated mental health crisis statistics since 2015
• Why teen suicide rates show different patterns than depression rates, and what this means for understanding youth struggles
• The real story behind those alarming youth depression statistics and why context matters when interpreting data
• How academic pressure in high-achieving communities can drive teen mental health problems even without social media
• Why focusing solely on anxiety in teenagers related to screens might miss bigger factors affecting Gen Z mental health
• What signs of youth depression actually tell us about the scope and causes of teen mental health challenges
• How different communities experience and conceptualize mental health struggles in ways that challenge universal assumptions
• Why the timeline of the supposed mental health crisis in the U.S. and elsewhere doesn't align with smartphone adoption as clearly as The Anxious Generation claims

• How to identify your emotional triggers in parenting and their connection to intergenerational trauma
• A practical three-step self-compassion exercise for managing triggered moments with your children
• The complete five-step reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds
• How schema therapy concepts explain the origins of your parenting triggers
• Why intergenerational trauma persists and specific practices to break the cycle
• Step-by-step self-compassion exercises you can practice daily to build emotional resilience
• How traditional parenting tools can unintentionally continue the cycle of intergenerational trauma
• Practical reparenting techniques to meet both your needs and your child's needs simultaneously

• 122: Self-Compassion for Parents
• 245: Does praise help or hurt your child? What research actually shows
• 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

• Practical ways to find and build your own parenting support group
• How parenting support groups transform sleep challenges through accountability and permission for self-care
• The power of techniques learned in parenting support groups to dramatically reduce children's emotional outbursts
• Methods for improving partner communication about parenting decisions and family challenges
• Why vulnerability in parenting support groups creates stronger families
• How to move beyond parenting advice to create lasting transformation of family challenges
• What happens when parenting support group members invest in each other's success rather than competing
• The surprising ways parenting support groups free up energy for better addressing family challenges
• Why small, intentional parenting support groups create deeper change than large forums
• How to recognize when you need support for family challenges and actually receive it effectively

Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become?

In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy.

Click here to download the list of 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without PraiseIs praise harmful to children?

Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do.

What's the difference between praise and appreciation?

Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself."

Does praise help motivate children?

Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term.

How does praise affect a child's development?

Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved.

You'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors.

You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable.

You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system.

You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity about your child's experiences and perspectives, and connection based on truly seeing your child rather than evaluating their behavior or person.

Will my child still behave well if I stop praising them?

When we relinquish our role as judges and evaluators of our children's worth, we free them to become their authentic selves. Moving beyond praise creates space for genuine connection based on understanding needs and discovering creative approaches to meeting both your needs and your child's needs.

What can I say instead of "good job"?

Instead of evaluative praise, you can describe what you observe ("You gave Mario half the cookie, and now he's smiling!"), ask thoughtful questions about what aspects of their project they found most satisfying, or express genuine appreciation for how their actions affected you.

How do I know if I'm praising or appreciating my child?

Appreciation focuses on the effect your child's action had on you rather than evaluating their character. Avoid labels like "You're so thoughtful" and instead express how their action made you feel or helped you.

Do children need praise to feel loved?

Children need to experience unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. They need to know you're excited about them regardless of their performance or behavior.

• Other episodes mentioned:
• 042: How to Teach a Child to Use Manners
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• 159: Supporting Girls’ Relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick
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• 050: How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Boys
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• 161: New Masculinities for Older Boys with Dr. Michael Kehler & Caroline Brunet
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• 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
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• 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says
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Jump to highlights

00:46 Introduction of today’s episode

03:28 Definition of praise

05:47 When we use praise as a tool to make our children repeat behaviors we want, we're still trying to control them, just with a nicer voice and smile. We've changed our approach but not our fundamental goal of managing their actions

11:58 Just because you get what you need from an interaction doesn't mean the other person feels equally satisfied

15:12 Our dependency on external validation affects our parenting and risks creating the same dependency in our children through praise

24:48 When we look beyond whether praise gets children to complete chores or affects their motivation, we discover how it fundamentally shapes their relationship with authority and their sense of autonomy. Philosopher Michel Foucault's concept of "normalizing judgment" shows that praise functions as more than just encouragement. It establishes power dynamics between parents and children

27:58 Self-determination theory, which helps us to see on a step-by-step basis, how we develop motivation to do specific tasks

32:00 Current parenting advice favors specific over generic praise. This approach is used as positive reinforcement to encourage children to repeat the praised behavior

34:50 Belgian researchers Bart Soenens and Maarten Vansteenkiste identified four adolescent response patterns to perceived parental control, including rule enforcement, punishments, and conditional rewards or praise

43:45 Researchers concluded that toddler defiance often reflects healthy autonomy and independence, not poor parenting, while ignoring parents is linked more to children of depressed, less responsive mothers

49:09 Behaviorists view praise as reinforcement encouraging repeated behavior, but McHugh argues it’s more; it reflects authority, shaping which behaviors and qualities are deemed worthy of recognition in children

01:00:27 Wrapping up the discussion

References

McHugh, H. (2025). From oppressive to progressive praise: How, why, and when to praise in conditions of oppression. Journal of Progressive Education, 12(3), 145-162.

Corpus, J. H., Ogle, C. M., & Love-Geiger, K. E. (2006). The effects of social-comparison versus mastery praise on children's intrinsic motivation. Motivation and Emotion, 30(4), 333-343. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-006-9039-4

Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2020). Taking adolescents' agency in socialization seriously: The role of appraisals and cognitive-behavioral responses in autonomy-relevant parenting. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 2020(173), 7-26. https://doi.org/10.1002/cad.20370

Lepper, M. R., Greene, D., & Nisbett, R. E. (1973). Undermining children's intrinsic interest with extrinsic reward: A test of the "overjustification" hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 28(1), 129–137. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0035519

Kohn, A. (2018). Punished by rewards: The trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes (25th ed.). Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Lumanlan, J. (July 2, 2017). Episode 042: How to teach a child to use mannershttp://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/manners/