In Part 1 of this mini-series looking at Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation, we discovered that the teen mental health crisis might not be as dramatic as The Anxious Generation claims - and that changes in diagnosis and coding could be inflating the numbers. But even if we accept that teens' struggles have increased somewhat, the next crucial question is: what's actually causing the change?

 

Jonathan Haidt is adamant that social media causes depression and anxiety in teenagers. He claims that "dozens of experiments" prove social media use is a CAUSE, not just a correlate, of mental health problems. But when you dig into the studies, as we do in this episode, we'll see that the 'causal' data is nowhere near as strong as Haidt claims.

 

We'll examine the experimental evidence behind social media and teen mental health claims, reveal why leading researchers compare social media effects on teens to eating potatoes, and uncover what factors actually explain 99% of youth mental health outcomes. Because if we're going to spend time and energy helping our kids, we want to make sure we're spending it doing things that will actually help.

 

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Does social media really cause teen depression and anxiety? Research shows correlation, not proven causation, with social media effects on teens explaining less than 1% of wellbeing, similar to the effect of eating potatoes. (Some researchers argue that this is still important enough to pay attention to - the episode explores why.)

 

Why do I keep hearing that social media is harmful if the research is weak? Many (but not all) social media studies find some evidence of harm, but when you look at the methodology this isn't surprising - researchers do things like sending participants daily reminders that "limiting social media is good for you," and then asking them how much social media they've consumed and how they feel. It's hard to draw strong conclusions from this data!

 

How can different studies on social media show opposite results? Researchers studying teen social media use can get completely different results from the same data depending on how they choose to analyze it. The episode looks at those choices and what they mean for understanding whether social media causes kids' depression and anxiety.

 

Is limiting my teen's social media use actually going to help them? Current evidence suggests that some kids who use social media a lot are vulnerable to experiencing depression and anxiety, and limiting their use specifically may be protective. There is little evidence to support the idea that blanket bans on kids' social media/smart phone usage will result in dramatic improvements in youth mental health, and focusing on issues that are more clearly connected to mental health would likely have a greater positive impact.

 

What You'll Learn in This Episode

• 
  
• How most social media research creates results that don't tell us what we want to know (but then reports the results as if they do)
• 
  
• 
  
• How the same teen mental health data can be analyzed to support opposite conclusions about social media effects on teens
• 
  
• 
  
• What family relationships, academic pressure, and economic stress reveal about the real drivers of youth mental health issues
• 
  
• 
  
• How social media and teen mental health correlations explain the same amount of variance as seemingly irrelevant factors like potato consumption
• 
  
• 
  
• How researcher bias and study design flaws make social media studies less reliable than parents think
• 
  
• 
  
• What happens when kids who benefit from social media lose access to it
• 
  
• 
  
• Why the focus on teen social media use might distract from addressing bigger factors affecting your child's wellbeing
• 
  
• 
  
• How to evaluate social media research claims critically when making decisions about your family's technology use
• 
  
• 
  
• What the ongoing debate between leading researchers reveals about the uncertainty in digital wellness science
• 
  
• 
  
• Why blanket solutions like social media bans might miss the complex realities of teen mental health challenges
• 
  

Dr. Jonathan Haidt's Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)

 

Jump to highlights

00:45 Introduction of today’s episode

01:40 Haidt explains that after reviewing many research studies with his colleagues Jean Twenge and Zach Rausch, social media doesn't just happen to show up alongside mental health problems in teens - it's actually creating them. The research shows that social media use leads to increased anxiety and depression, rather than simply being something that anxious and depressed teens tend to use more often

05:28 According to Dr. Gray, despite potential placebo effects boosting results, researchers found mostly no significant improvements in well-being from reducing social media use, only small effects on loneliness and depression that could easily be explained by chance

12:20 Dr. Amy Orben's Specification Curve Analysis is a sophisticated attempt to show how research choices affect outcomes

15:12 A study by Schwartz found that both the group that quit Instagram AND the control group that kept using it normally BOTH improved on measures of depression and self-esteem, which the researchers admitted might just be because being in a study about social media usage made people more aware of their usage

26:54 Dr. Twenge's studies of over 100,000 teens found heavy social media users were twice as likely to report depression, low well-being, and suicide risk, especially girls

31:42 Dr. Orben uses a technique called Specification Curve Analysis, which is a way to evaluate how the choices a researcher makes affect the study outcomes

34:35 Some of the factors that are bigger contributors than screen time usage

42:53 Dr. Orben describes repeating technology panics: radio, comics, TV, video games, now social media. Research lags behind fears, creating cycles where society panics about new tech before understanding previous ones

50:19 People tend to agree with yes/no questions regardless of content, even contradictory statements. Question-wording heavily influences responses, inflating correlations due to response style rather than genuine opinions

54:00 Wrapping up

 

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf

City of Palo Alto. (2021). City of Palo Alto: Suicide prevention policy and mental health promotion [Draft policy document]. Project Safety Net. https://www.psnyouth.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/DRAFT-Palo-Alto-Suicide-Prevention-Policy-and-Mental-Health-Promotion-dT.pdf

Clinical Practice Research Datalink. Clinical Practice Research Datalink (CPRD) is a real-world research service supporting retrospective and prospective public health and clinical studies. CPRD. https://www.cprd.com/

Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Young people's perceptions of their parents' expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism. Psychological Bulletin, 148(1-2), 107-128. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000347

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2019, September 13). Long-term trends in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts among adolescents and young adults. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/long-term-trends-suicidal-ideation-suicide-attempts-adolescents-young-adults/

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2020, July 27). Mental health and suicide statistics for teens in Santa Clara County. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/mental-health-suicide-santa-clara/

Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they're on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf

Garfield, R., Orgera, K., & Damico, A. (2019, January 25). The uninsured and the ACA: A primer - Key facts about health insurance and the uninsured amidst changes to the Affordable Care Act. KFF. https://www.kff.org/report-section/the-uninsured-and-the-aca-a-primer-key-facts-about-health-insurance-and-the-uninsured-amidst-changes-to-the-affordable-care-act-how-many-people-are-uninsured/

Gulbas, L. E., & Zayas, L. H. (2015). Examining the interplay among family, culture, and Latina teen suicidal behavior. Qualitative Health Research, 25(5), 689-699. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049732314553598

Haas, A. P., Rodgers, P. L., & Herman, J. L. (2014, January). Suicide attempts among transgender and gender non-conforming adults: Findings of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Trans-GNC-Suicide-Attempts-Jan-2014.pdf

Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. Better mental health [Ongoing open-source literature review]. The Coddling. https://www.thecoddling.com/better-mental-health

Haidt, J., Rausch, Z., & Twenge, J. (ongoing). Social media and mental health: A collaborative review. Unpublished manuscript, New York University. Accessed at tinyurl.com/SocialMediaMentalHealthReview

Hunt, M., Auriemma, J., & Cashaw, A. C. A. (2003). Self-report bias and underreporting of depression on the BDI-II. Journal of Personality Assessment, 80(1), 26-30. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327752JPA8001_10

Johns Hopkins Medicine. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

Martin, J. L. (2002). Power, authority, and the constraint of belief systems. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 861-904. https://doi.org/10.1086/343192

Mueller, A. S., & Abrutyn, S. (2024). Addressing the social roots of suicide. In Life Under Pressure (pp. 191-218). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190847845.003.0008

NHS Digital. (2020). Mental health of children and young people in England, 2020 [Data set]. UK Data Service. https://doi.org/10.5255/UKDA-SN-9128-2

Programme for International Student Assessment. (2024, May). Managing screen time: How to protect and equip students against distraction. OECD. https://www.oecd.org/content/dam/oecd/en/publications/reports/2024/05/managing-screen-time_023f2390/7c225af4-en.pdf

Rosin, H. (2015, December). The Silicon Valley suicides: Why are so many kids with bright prospects killing themselves in Palo Alto? The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/

Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health. (2020, March). Suicide. State of Child Health. https://stateofchildhealth.rcpch.ac.uk/evidence/mental-health/suicide/

Sarginson, J., Webb, R. T., Stocks, S. J., Esmail, A., Garg, S., & Ashcroft, D. M. (2017). Temporal trends in antidepressant prescribing to children in UK primary care, 2000–2015. Journal of Affective Disorders, 210, 312-318. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2016.12.047

Scottish Government. (2024, March 18). Supporting development of a self-harm strategy for Scotland, what does the qualitative evidence tell us? Gov.scot. https://www.gov.scot/publications/supporting-development-self-harm-strategy-scotland-qualitative-evidence-tell/

Thomas, J. F., Temple, J. R., Perez, N., & Rupp, R. (2011). Ethnic and gender disparities in needed adolescent mental health care. Journal of Health Care for the Poor and Underserved, 22(1), 101-110. https://doi.org/10.1353/hpu.2011.0029

Townsend, E., Ness, J., Waters, K., Rehman, M., Kapur, N., Clements, C., Geulayov, G., Bale, E., Casey, D., & Hawton, K. (2022). Life problems in children and adolescents who self‐harm: Findings from the multicenter study of self‐harm in England. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 27(4), 352-360. https://doi.org/10.1111/camh.12544

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Minority Health. (n.d.). Mental and behavioral health - American Indians/Alaska Natives. https://minorityhealth.hhs.gov/mental-and-behavioral-health-american-indiansalaska-natives

Wong, Y. J., Wang, L., Li, S., & Liu, H. (2017). Circumstances preceding the suicide of Asian Pacific Islander Americans and White Americans. Death Studies, 41(5), 311-317. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2016.1275888

Zulyniak, S., Wiens, K., Bulloch, A. G. M., Williams, J. V. A., Lukmanji, A., Dores, A. K., Isherwood, L. J., & Patten, S. B. (2021). Increasing rates of youth and adolescent suicide in Canadian women. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 67(1), 67-69. https://doi.org/10.1177/07067437211017875

Are we really facing an unprecedented mental health crisis in America, or have we been misreading the data? As parents everywhere grapple with The Anxious Generation's claims that smartphones are rewiring our children's brains, this episode takes a closer look at what the research actually shows about youth mental health trends.

 

If you've read the book, you've seen those alarming hockey-stick graphs showing dramatic increases in teen depression and anxiety in teenagers. But what if those "surges" aren't quite what they seem? What if changes in how we diagnose and track mental health conditions are inflating the crisis? And what happens when a community with everything that should protect kids - tight social bonds, involved parents, shared values - still experiences devastating teen suicide rates?

 

This deep-dive analysis examines the evidence behind Gen Z mental health claims, investigates whether youth depression statistics show the dramatic surge described in The Anxious Generation, and asks the crucial question: are we fighting the right battle when it comes to protecting our children's wellbeing?

 

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Is there really a mental health crisis in America? While youth mental health challenges are real, the "crisis" narrative may be overblown due to changes in diagnostic practices and data collection methods since 2010.

 

When did the mental health crisis start according to The Anxious Generation? Haidt claims the crisis began between 2010-2015 with smartphone adoption, but the data shows more complex patterns that predate this timeline.

 

What are the signs of youth depression and anxiety that parents should watch for? The episode explores how reported signs of youth depression and anxiety have increased, but examines whether this reflects actual increases or better identification and reporting. We look at the classic signs of depression and anxiety in teens, as well as what to look for in teens who might 'seem fine.'

 

How many teens have mental health issues compared to previous generations? Teen mental health statistics show increases, but when examined closely, many changes are smaller than dramatic graphs suggest.

 

What causes anxiety in teenagers beyond social media? Research shows that other factors may explain larger portions of youth mental health struggles than screen time.

 

What You'll Learn in This Episode

• 
  
• How changes in diagnostic criteria and healthcare access may have inflated mental health crisis statistics since 2015
• 
  
• 
  
• Why teen suicide rates show different patterns than depression rates, and what this means for understanding youth struggles
• 
  
• 
  
• The real story behind those alarming youth depression statistics and why context matters when interpreting data
• 
  
• 
  
• How academic pressure in high-achieving communities can drive teen mental health problems even without social media
• 
  
• 
  
• Why focusing solely on anxiety in teenagers related to screens might miss bigger factors affecting Gen Z mental health
• 
  
• 
  
• What signs of youth depression actually tell us about the scope and causes of teen mental health challenges
• 
  
• 
  
• How different communities experience and conceptualize mental health struggles in ways that challenge universal assumptions
• 
  
• 
  
• Why the timeline of the supposed mental health crisis in the U.S. and elsewhere doesn't align with smartphone adoption as clearly as The Anxious Generation claims
• 
  

Dr. Jonathan Haidt's Book

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)

 

Jump to highlights

00:53 Introduction of today’s episode

01:18 What is The Anxious Generation all about?

08:33 Is there really a mental health crisis among kids?

13:30 Male teen suicide rate in the US look like a sine wave. They peaked in about 1990 and then dropped and are more recently rising again to their 1990 levels

15:38 The determination of depression is done through people reporting their symptoms on a survey, not by therapists or doctors

19:55 There was a really huge change in our support for depression over the years. In 46 million people, almost 18 % of the US population didn’t have health insurance according to 2010

26:00 In one of Haidt’s google docs, he observed the two big jumps in suicides of 10 to14 year-old females in the US, from 66-88 in 2009 and from 85-141 in 2005

27:38 The National Transgender Discrimination survey in the US found that 38% of those assigned male at birth reported a lifetime suicide attempt, and that rate was 44% for those assigned female at birth and identifying as trans

33:18 Latinx Americans with a suicide history were less likely to experience feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem, and meaninglessness compared to other groups. They often viewed suicide as a way to escape suffering caused by social factors like discrimination, abuse, poverty, and low social status. Research also shows that immigration-related stress and socioeconomic challenges increase suicide risk in this community

42:27 Scientists with the Centers for Disease Control surveyed Palo Alto residents for an epidemiological report and found that residents believed depression and mental health issues academic distress or pressure, disconnection and social isolation, family and cultural pressure and life challenges were the biggest contributors to youth suicide in the town

46:00 I wonder if focusing primarily on teaching children problem-solving, coping skills, and resilience might inadvertently place the responsibility on kids to adapt to overwhelming expectations, rather than prompting us to examine whether our cultural values and systems are truly supporting their well-being

49:52 Some key indicators to look out for when you feel worried that your child may be experiencing depression or anxiety

55:44 Wrapping up the part one of our mini-series on The Anxious Generation

 

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf

City of Palo Alto. (2021). City of Palo Alto: Suicide prevention policy and mental health promotion [Draft policy document]. Project Safety Net. https://www.psnyouth.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/DRAFT-Palo-Alto-Suicide-Prevention-Policy-and-Mental-Health-Promotion-dT.pdf

Clinical Practice Research Datalink. Clinical Practice Research Datalink (CPRD) is a real-world research service supporting retrospective and prospective public health and clinical studies. CPRD. https://www.cprd.com/

Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Young people's perceptions of their parents' expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism. Psychological Bulletin, 148(1-2), 107-128. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000347

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2019, September 13). Long-term trends in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts among adolescents and young adults. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/long-term-trends-suicidal-ideation-suicide-attempts-adolescents-young-adults/

Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2020, July 27). Mental health and suicide statistics for teens in Santa Clara County. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/mental-health-suicide-santa-clara/

Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they're on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf

Garfield, R., Orgera, K., & Damico, A. (2019, January 25). The uninsured and the ACA: A primer - Key facts about health insurance and the uninsured amidst changes to the Affordable Care Act. KFF. https://www.kff.org/report-section/the-uninsured-and-the-aca-a-primer-key-facts-about-health-insurance-and-the-uninsured-amidst-changes-to-the-affordable-care-act-how-many-people-are-uninsured/

Gulbas, L. E., & Zayas, L. H. (2015). Examining the interplay among family, culture, and Latina teen suicidal behavior. Qualitative Health Research, 25(5), 689-699. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049732314553598

Haas, A. P., Rodgers, P. L., & Herman, J. L. (2014, January). Suicide attempts among transgender and gender non-conforming adults: Findings of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Trans-GNC-Suicide-Attempts-Jan-2014.pdf

Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. Better mental health [Ongoing open-source literature review]. The Coddling. https://www.thecoddling.com/better-mental-health

Haidt, J., Rausch, Z., & Twenge, J. (ongoing). Social media and mental health: A collaborative review. Unpublished manuscript, New York University. Accessed at tinyurl.com/SocialMediaMentalHealthReview

Hunt, M., Auriemma, J., & Cashaw, A. C. A. (2003). Self-report bias and underreporting of depression on the BDI-II. Journal of Personality Assessment, 80(1), 26-30. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327752JPA8001_10

Johns Hopkins Medicine. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

Martin, J. L. (2002). Power, authority, and the constraint of belief systems. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 861-904. https://doi.org/10.1086/343192

Mueller, A. S., & Abrutyn, S. (2024). Addressing the social roots of suicide. In Life Under Pressure (pp. 191-218). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190847845.003.0008

NHS Digital. (2020). Mental health of children and young people in England, 2020 [Data set]. UK Data Service. https://doi.org/10.5255/UKDA-SN-9128-2

Programme for International Student Assessment. (2024, May). Managing screen time: How to protect and equip students against distraction. OECD. https://www.oecd.org/content/dam/oecd/en/publications/reports/2024/05/managing-screen-time_023f2390/7c225af4-en.pdf

Rosin, H. (2015, December). The Silicon Valley suicides: Why are so many kids with bright prospects killing themselves in Palo Alto? The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/

Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health. (2020, March). Suicide. State of Child Health. https://stateofchildhealth.rcpch.ac.uk/evidence/mental-health/suicide/

Sarginson, J., Webb, R. T., Stocks, S. J., Esmail, A., Garg, S., & Ashcroft, D. M. (2017). Temporal trends in antidepressant prescribing to children in UK primary care, 2000–2015. Journal of Affective Disorders, 210, 312-318. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2016.12.047

Scottish Government. (2024, March 18). Supporting development of a self-harm strategy for Scotland, what does the qualitative evidence tell us? Gov.scot. https://www.gov.scot/publications/supporting-development-self-harm-strategy-scotland-qualitative-evidence-tell/

Thomas, J. F., Temple, J. R., Perez, N., & Rupp, R. (2011). Ethnic and gender disparities in needed adolescent mental health care. Journal of Health Care for the Poor and Underserved, 22(1), 101-110. https://doi.org/10.1353/hpu.2011.0029

Townsend, E., Ness, J., Waters, K., Rehman, M., Kapur, N., Clements, C., Geulayov, G., Bale, E., Casey, D., & Hawton, K. (2022). Life problems in children and adolescents who self‐harm: Findings from the multicenter study of self‐harm in England. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 27(4), 352-360. https://doi.org/10.1111/camh.12544

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Minority Health. (n.d.). Mental and behavioral health - American Indians/Alaska Natives. https://minorityhealth.hhs.gov/mental-and-behavioral-health-american-indiansalaska-natives

Wong, Y. J., Wang, L., Li, S., & Liu, H. (2017). Circumstances preceding the suicide of Asian Pacific Islander Americans and White Americans. Death Studies, 41(5), 311-317. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2016.1275888

Zulyniak, S., Wiens, K., Bulloch, A. G. M., Williams, J. V. A., Lukmanji, A., Dores, A. K., Isherwood, L. J., & Patten, S. B. (2021). Increasing rates of youth and adolescent suicide in Canadian women. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 67(1), 67-69. https://doi.org/10.1177/07067437211017875

 

Do you ever feel like your parenting is completely off track from where you want it to be? You promise yourself you won't yell, then find yourself yelling at your kids before breakfast.

 

You intend to be patient and present, but end up getting distracted by your phone, or snapping at your child. This disconnect between your parenting intentions and reality can leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, and afraid that you're passing on intergenerational trauma despite your best efforts.

 

In this episode, we reveal the origins of our harsh inner critic and how cultural expectations set parents up for struggle. You'll discover practical reparenting techniques, step-by-step self-compassion exercises, and how recognizing your emotional triggers can transform your parenting journey.

 

This isn't about perfect parenting - it's about healing your own childhood wounds through a process called reparenting, so you can break intergenerational patterns and build the connection with your child you've always wanted.

 

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Emotional triggers often originate from unhealed childhood experiences. Notice when you have outsized reactions to your child's behavior—these point to areas needing healing. The episode offers a self-compassion exercise to help you treat yourself with the same kindness that you treat others. Creating space between trigger and reaction allows you to respond intentionally rather than reactively.

 

Your inner critic—which is often a voice of your parent/caregiver—triggers shame spirals that make it harder to parent effectively. It damages your relationship with yourself and teaches your children to develop their own harsh inner critics. Through reparenting, you can recognize this voice isn't truly yours, but one you absorbed from your environment. Learning to quiet this voice creates space for authentic connection with your child and breaks intergenerational trauma patterns.

 

Reparenting is giving yourself what your parents couldn't provide during your childhood. It involves a five-step process: becoming aware of your patterns, accepting them without judgment, validating your childhood experiences, reframing your beliefs, and taking action to reinforce new patterns. When you heal your own emotional wounds through reparenting, you become more capable of meeting your child's needs without being triggered.

 

Breaking intergenerational trauma starts with awareness of the patterns you inherited. Practice self-compassion exercises when triggered rather than self-criticism. Use the reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds. Find supportive community to help you recognize when old patterns emerge. Each time you respond differently to your child than your parents did to you, you're disrupting the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

 

Yes, self-compassion exercises are powerful tools for managing parenting triggers. Dr. Susan Pollak's three-step self-compassion exercise can create the mental space needed to respond differently: acknowledge the difficulty ("This is hard"), remember your common humanity ("Other parents struggle with this too"), and offer yourself kindness ("What do I need right now?"). Regular practice builds your capacity to access self-compassion even in intense trigger moments.

 

What You'll Learn in This Episode

How to identify your emotional triggers in parenting and their connection to intergenerational trauma

A practical three-step self-compassion exercise for managing triggered moments with your children

The complete five-step reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds

How schema therapy concepts explain the origins of your parenting triggers

Why intergenerational trauma persists and specific practices to break the cycle

Step-by-step self-compassion exercises you can practice daily to build emotional resilience

How traditional parenting tools can unintentionally continue the cycle of intergenerational trauma

Practical reparenting techniques to meet both your needs and your child's needs simultaneously

 

FAQs

Signs of intergenerational trauma in parenting include having intense emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to the situation, finding yourself saying things your parents said to you despite promising yourself you wouldn't, or noticing patterns of behavior that resemble how you were parented. The good news is awareness is the first step in breaking these patterns, and reparenting techniques can help you heal.

 

Reparenting focuses on healing your own childhood wounds by meeting needs that weren't met when you were young. Traditional parenting tools focus primarily on changing your child's behavior. Reparenting addresses the root causes of your emotional triggers, allowing you to show up more authentically with your child.

 

Start with a simple self-compassion exercise: put your hand on your heart, acknowledge the pain ("This feels really hard right now"), remember you're not alone ("Many parents struggle with this"), and offer yourself kindness ("I'm doing my best in a difficult situation"). Regular practice of self-compassion exercises builds your capacity to extend compassion to yourself even in moments of perceived failure.

 

Yes, you can change your response to emotional triggers through consistent reparenting practice and self-compassion. The five-step reparenting process helps you recognize triggers, understand their origins in your own childhood, and develop new responses. This work takes time and often benefits from community support, but thousands of parents have successfully reduced their triggering and broken intergenerational trauma patterns.

 

Begin by noticing when you're triggered with your child—these moments often reveal exactly what you needed and didn't receive. Pay attention to your emotional reactions and physical sensations when parenting feels hard. Try this self-compassion exercise: when triggered, ask yourself, "What did I need in similar situations as a child?" Then imagine giving that very thing to your younger self. Community support can also help you identify unmet childhood needs that may not be immediately obvious to you.

 

If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the group of likeminded parents in the membership.

 

Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”

 

Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when enrollment reopens in May 2026. Click the banner to learn more.

 

 

 

122: Self-Compassion for Parents

245: Does praise help or hurt your child? What research actually shows

233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says

 

00:54 Introduction of today’s episode

04:25 These difficult moments don't define you as a parent or prove you're doing something wrong. Parents everywhere, regardless of background, culture, or family structure, experience this same disconnect between who they want to be and how they actually respond when things get challenging

05:18 Self-compassion can actually create some breathing room that we parent desperately need rather that continuing the pattern with shame and self-criticism. Self-compassion allows us to hold our struggles with kindness and self-compassion isn't just something to make us feel better about ourselves. We can actually think of it as a circuit breaker for our brain that allows us to respond differently next time

13:53 When your self-critical voice takes over and tells you to shape your child's behavior, you risk losing your connection with them. That's why things seem like they're off track, because if they were on track, you would feel close to each other

15:40 Three-step process that Dr. Pollak uses to access some self-compassion in difficult moments

17:48 The deepest human need that we all share is to be truly seen and accepted for who we are, not for our achievements or for our good behavior, but for our whole authentic selves

22:39 One of the most powerful discoveries Jen have made in her parenting journey is that raising children gives us a huge opportunity to heal ourselves

23:46 Five main categories of schemas that affect how we see ourselves and others

26:40 Five-step process that we can use, that is drawn from schema therapy.

32:53 What Jenny experienced in the ACTion group and how it changes her parenting strategies

35:40 What advice Elyse would offer for a parent who has joined the membership and who hasn’t sure how to engage with all the resources available

38:07 Stephanie’s experiences in the ACTion group

41:20 An open invitation for Parenting Membership

42:58 Wrapping up the discussion

 

Are you tired of facing family challenges alone? In this powerful episode, we witness the transformative journey of two parents who discovered that joining a parenting support group can change everything at home.

 

Parenting wasn't meant to be a solo journey. When sleep deprivation, communication struggles with partners, and children's big emotions become overwhelming family challenges, the right parenting support group makes all the difference. This episode shows how connecting with a supportive parenting community helped transform 45-minute tantrums into 10-minute conversations, restore sleep after years of exhaustion, and address family communication challenges in ways that parenting books alone never could.

 

Now, more than ever, we need each other. In this re-released episode from two years ago, you'll hear authentic stories that will inspire you to find your own parenting support group and experience the profound changes that happen when parents help each other overcome family challenges.

 

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Distance from extended family doesn't mean you must face family challenges alone. This episode demonstrates how intentional parenting support groups can provide even more targeted help than your actual family. You'll learn how to connect with parents who share your values and family challenges, not just parents who happen to live close to you. These parenting support groups create meaningful connections that provide practical help, emotional support, and accountability.

 

Finding non-judgmental parenting support begins with seeking communities built on mutual understanding rather than competition. This episode shows how specialized parenting support groups create safe spaces where you can share family challenges honestly - even showing up in tears or looking completely exhausted - without fear of judgment.

 

Yes! When parents learn tools like radical listening through supportive parenting groups, children's emotional regulation challenges improve dramatically. This episode demonstrates how one parent reduced tantrum duration from 45 minutes to just 10 minutes by applying techniques learned in her parenting support group.

 

Meeting everyone's needs begins with recognizing your own. This episode reveals how a parenting support group provides permission to prioritize self-care (especially sleep) as the foundation for better addressing your family challenges, including your children's and partner's needs.

 

Absolutely. You'll hear how a parenting support group helped identify and address difficult family communication patterns where one partner was agreeing to things they didn't want just to end discussions. Now the partners have an effective framework for honestly communicating about family challenges and needs.

 

While quality parenting information matters, this episode reveals how the combination of both creates the most powerful approach to family challenges. You'll hear how structured parenting support groups help you actually implement tools you learn, rather than just collecting more information about family challenges.

 

What You'll Learn in This Episode

Practical ways to find and build your own parenting support group

How parenting support groups transform sleep challenges through accountability and permission for self-care

The power of techniques learned in parenting support groups to dramatically reduce children's emotional outbursts

Methods for improving partner communication about parenting decisions and family challenges

Why vulnerability in parenting support groups creates stronger families

How to move beyond parenting advice to create lasting transformation of family challenges

What happens when parenting support group members invest in each other's success rather than competing

The surprising ways parenting support groups free up energy for better addressing family challenges

Why small, intentional parenting support groups create deeper change than large forums

How to recognize when you need support for family challenges and actually receive it effectively

 

Frequently Asked Questions

A parenting support group is a community of other parents who provide emotional support, practical advice, and accountability for addressing family challenges. Unlike most online parenting forums, an intentional parenting support group helps you implement tools consistently, validates your struggles with family challenges, and creates space for growth. Research shows parents with strong parenting support networks experience less stress and make more consistent decisions when facing family challenges.

 

Parenting support groups provide accountability, permission for self-care, and practical tools for sleep challenges. When you share your sleep-related family challenges with supportive parents, you're more likely to prioritize your rest needs, implement consistent routines, and identify strategies that work for your family's specific situation.

 

Finding the right parenting support group involves looking for communities aligned with your values, moderated by experienced facilitators, and structured for meaningful connection. Seek parenting support groups where members share family challenges openly without judgment, offer experience-based support rather than just advice, and create consistent opportunities for deeper connection.

 

Yes, quality parenting support groups can transform partner relationships by identifying communication patterns, providing tools for expressing needs clearly, and creating frameworks for resolving parenting disagreements and family challenges.

 

Small parenting support groups create psychological safety through consistent membership, deeper relationships, and personalized support for family challenges. Unlike large forums where advice comes from strangers, small parenting support groups allow members to understand each family's unique context, provide relevant suggestions for specific family challenges, and offer accountability over time, leading to more sustained positive changes.

 

Specialized parenting support groups are particularly valuable for parents facing the family challenges of raising children with special needs or unique situations. These parenting support groups connect you with others confronting similar family challenges, provide specialized knowledge beyond general parenting advice, and offer understanding that may not be available in your geographic community.

 

If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the group of likeminded parents in the membership.

 

Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”

 

Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when enrollment reopens in May 2026. Click the banner to learn more.

 

 

 

00:54 Introduction of today’s episode

03:23 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episode for the podcast to talk about how their parenting has changed over the last year

04:30 Emma wasn’t having major problems, but wanted to be prepared for the challenges that may happen down the road

05:23 Jenny was struggling because she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 4 ½ years…and now prioritizes herself through the support of Emma and the members of the ACTion group

08:50 Because Emma is a high achiever, she imagined parenthood to be a breeze

10:45 Jenny believed that if you are prepared and serene, and you bring this calm energy to your pregnancy, you will have an easy child

13:36 The lack of understanding of our values is what causes us to be conflicted about becoming parents

15:41 Our child’s big feelings are their way of letting us know that they are not okay.

20:10 It's great to have a community who we can trust, and who will support and respect our values

22:40 The ACTion group conversation once a week gives parents a foundation to parent more intentionally

25:00 Emma used the problem-solving method to find a solution for her child's resistance during nail cutting by trying to hypothesize her child’s feelings.

29:37 Needs can be met when you remove the ‘shoulds.’

31:12 Emma’s parenting has been a lot less tense over the past year and a half, which was a wonderful surprise

32:45 Jenny saw big changes when she used a deep listening technique with her son during an episode of intense anger and frustration

35:03 Talking about how Parenting Membership change Jenny’s life

46:40 It's life-changing to see a profound change in our children and ourselves when both of our needs are fulfilled

 

Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become?

 

In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy.

 

Click here to download the list of 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without PraiseIs praise harmful to children?

Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do.

 

What's the difference between praise and appreciation?

Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself."

 

Does praise help motivate children?

Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term.

 

How does praise affect a child's development?

Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved.

 

What You'll Learn in This Episode

You'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors.

 

You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable.

 

You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system.

 

You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity about your child's experiences and perspectives, and connection based on truly seeing your child rather than evaluating their behavior or person.

 

Frequently Asked Questions

Will my child still behave well if I stop praising them?

When we relinquish our role as judges and evaluators of our children's worth, we free them to become their authentic selves. Moving beyond praise creates space for genuine connection based on understanding needs and discovering creative approaches to meeting both your needs and your child's needs.

 

What can I say instead of "good job"?

Instead of evaluative praise, you can describe what you observe ("You gave Mario half the cookie, and now he's smiling!"), ask thoughtful questions about what aspects of their project they found most satisfying, or express genuine appreciation for how their actions affected you.

 

How do I know if I'm praising or appreciating my child?

Appreciation focuses on the effect your child's action had on you rather than evaluating their character. Avoid labels like "You're so thoughtful" and instead express how their action made you feel or helped you.

 

Do children need praise to feel loved?

Children need to experience unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. They need to know you're excited about them regardless of their performance or behavior.

 

• Other episodes mentioned:
• 042: How to Teach a Child to Use Manners
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• 159: Supporting Girls’ Relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick
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• 050: How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Boys
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• 161: New Masculinities for Older Boys with Dr. Michael Kehler & Caroline Brunet
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• 
  
• 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
• 
  
• 
  
• 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says
• 
  

Jump to highlights

00:46 Introduction of today’s episode

03:28 Definition of praise

05:47 When we use praise as a tool to make our children repeat behaviors we want, we're still trying to control them, just with a nicer voice and smile. We've changed our approach but not our fundamental goal of managing their actions

11:58 Just because you get what you need from an interaction doesn't mean the other person feels equally satisfied

15:12 Our dependency on external validation affects our parenting and risks creating the same dependency in our children through praise

24:48 When we look beyond whether praise gets children to complete chores or affects their motivation, we discover how it fundamentally shapes their relationship with authority and their sense of autonomy. Philosopher Michel Foucault's concept of "normalizing judgment" shows that praise functions as more than just encouragement. It establishes power dynamics between parents and children

27:58 Self-determination theory, which helps us to see on a step-by-step basis, how we develop motivation to do specific tasks

32:00 Current parenting advice favors specific over generic praise. This approach is used as positive reinforcement to encourage children to repeat the praised behavior

34:50 Belgian researchers Bart Soenens and Maarten Vansteenkiste identified four adolescent response patterns to perceived parental control, including rule enforcement, punishments, and conditional rewards or praise

43:45 Researchers concluded that toddler defiance often reflects healthy autonomy and independence, not poor parenting, while ignoring parents is linked more to children of depressed, less responsive mothers

49:09 Behaviorists view praise as reinforcement encouraging repeated behavior, but McHugh argues it’s more; it reflects authority, shaping which behaviors and qualities are deemed worthy of recognition in children

01:00:27 Wrapping up the discussion

 

References

McHugh, H. (2025). From oppressive to progressive praise: How, why, and when to praise in conditions of oppression. Journal of Progressive Education, 12(3), 145-162.

Corpus, J. H., Ogle, C. M., & Love-Geiger, K. E. (2006). The effects of social-comparison versus mastery praise on children's intrinsic motivation. Motivation and Emotion, 30(4), 333-343. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-006-9039-4

Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2020). Taking adolescents' agency in socialization seriously: The role of appraisals and cognitive-behavioral responses in autonomy-relevant parenting. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 2020(173), 7-26. https://doi.org/10.1002/cad.20370

Lepper, M. R., Greene, D., & Nisbett, R. E. (1973). Undermining children's intrinsic interest with extrinsic reward: A test of the "overjustification" hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 28(1), 129–137. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0035519

Kohn, A. (2018). Punished by rewards: The trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes (25th ed.). Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Lumanlan, J. (July 2, 2017). Episode 042: How to teach a child to use mannershttp://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/manners/

 

Is your child's refusal to listen driving you CRAZY? You're not alone! In this transformative episode, mom-of-three Chrystal reveals how she went from constant power struggles to peaceful cooperation without sacrificing authority. Discover the exact approach that works when "because I said so" fails. Stop the exhausting battles TODAY and create the respectful relationship you've always wanted with your child.

 

Questions This Episode Will Answer:

Why won't my child listen to me? Children resist when their needs aren't being met. Understanding what's beneath the "not listening" transforms power struggles into opportunities for connection and cooperation.

 

How do I get my child to listen without threatening or bribing? Focus on identifying both your needs and your child's needs, then problem-solve together to find solutions that work for everyone. This creates willing cooperation rather than reluctant compliance.

 

Will my child ever listen the first time I ask? Yes! When children know that you'll try to meet their needs as well as your own, they become MUCH more willing to collaborate with you. The path to first-time listening isn't through control but through connection.

 

Am I creating an entitled child by not demanding immediate compliance? Actually, the opposite is true. Children raised with respectful problem-solving develop stronger empathy, better boundary recognition, and more social skills than those raised with strict obedience requirements.

 

How do I handle emergencies when I need immediate compliance? Create a foundation of trust by respecting autonomy in non-emergency situations. When true emergencies arise, children who trust you will respond to your urgency because they know you don't overuse your authority.

 

What You'll Learn In This Episode:

The powerful shift from control-based parenting to needs-based problem-solving

Why resistance is a signal that needs attention, not defiance that needs punishment

How to identify your real non-negotiables versus situations where flexibility serves everyone

Practical examples of problem-solving conversations that create willing cooperation

The critical difference between limits (changing someone's behavior) and boundaries (what you're willing to do)

How to teach children about healthy boundaries by respecting theirs

Why "stop means stop" and "no means no" are essential teachings (and how to get your child to respect your 'stop' and 'no')

How to recognize when you're getting triggered by your child's "not listening"

The surprising truth about how respectful parenting creates more socially capable children

Why one intentional parent can make all the difference, even without perfect partner alignment

 

If you're thinking "but my child NEEDS to learn to listen," this episode directly addresses how this approach creates MORE compliance in situations that truly matter.

 

Ready to transform your daily battles into peaceful cooperation? Take the next step in our Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop. Click the image below to sign up.

 

 

00:45 Introduction of today’s episode

02:00 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop

06:12 Chrystal’s experience in the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop

07:46 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer

08:48 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family

11:44 How resilience will play a big role in our children

13:10 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy

13:50 As a result of having a strong-willed child, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges

17:01 When to set limits and boundaries to our children

19:18 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation

21:42 The difference between setting limits and boundaries

23:00 The importance of respectful parenting

24:20 Using body cues instead of saying NO

26:31 Introduction to Problem Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation

32:52 Our children's resistance creates a "US and THEM" scenario

39:54 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry.

43:48 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems

46:02 Wrapping up the discussion

 

 

Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child's, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection.

 

No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child's and the parent's needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child's desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent's needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child's needs.

 

Logical consequences and offering limited choices don't always work because they are often strategies to control a child's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don't meet these needs, so the behavior continues.

 

To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child's. Identify the underlying need you're currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child's. This prevents you from prioritizing the child's desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting.

 

A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn't do what they were told.

 

Meeting both your needs and your child's needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child's need for connection, while also meeting the parent's need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time.

 

The underlying cause of a child's resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative.

 

Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a 'harmonious' method where parents consider the child's ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting - but she decided not to research it further!

 

What you'll learn in this episode

In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting.

 

You'll learn why traditional parenting tools like logical consequences and offering limited choices often don't work in the long run. Logical consequences are essentially punishments that don't address the underlying needs causing resistance, while offering limited choices doesn't truly respect a child's autonomy.

 

The episode introduces a powerful alternative framework focused on understanding both your needs and your child's needs. You'll see how identifying these needs opens up multiple strategies for cooperation without power struggles. Through real examples like Cori's story with her toddler who resisted toothbrushing for a year, you'll witness how this approach can transform seemingly impossible situations.

 

We critique the traditional four parenting styles, explaining how they were originally developed as models of parental control rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. We introduce a version of gentle parenting that considers children's needs as equally important as parents' needs - not more, and not less.

 

You'll gain practical language tools for setting clear boundaries and fostering genuine autonomy. These simple phrases can dramatically shift your interactions from struggle to cooperation.

 

By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to set necessary limits while still respecting your child's autonomy and building connection. You'll see that it's possible to parent effectively without resorting to power-over approaches - or becoming permissive.

 

FAQs

Gentle parenting focuses on treating children with respect and understanding the needs behind behaviors, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Permissive parenting, on the other hand, prioritizes the child's needs over the parent's needs, allowing children to "walk all over" parents. The key distinction is that this version of gentle parenting acknowledges that both the parent's and child's needs matter equally.

 

Logical consequences often feel uncomfortable because they're essentially punishments dressed up in friendly-sounding language. They attempt to control children's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs causing resistance. When we implement logical consequences, we're using our power over our children in ways we wouldn't consider acceptable in adult relationships.

 

Resistance often signals unmet needs. For example, a child who stalls at bedtime may have an unmet need for connection with you. A child who refuses to get dressed might be seeking autonomy (if they want to do it themselves) or connection (if they want your help). Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, try to identify and address the underlying need. Sometimes meeting needs in one area (like autonomy) can reduce resistance in seemingly unrelated areas.

 

Using "I am not willing to..." instead of "I can't..." acknowledges that you're making a choice based on your needs rather than suggesting you have no choice. For example, instead of saying "I can't play now, I have to cook dinner," try "I'm not willing to play right now because I need to prepare our meal." This language models honest boundary-setting and acknowledges that you're prioritizing certain needs over others in that moment.

 

Start by asking "Are you willing to...?" which acknowledges your child's autonomy. Ensure this is a genuine choice they can say no to. When resistance occurs, get curious about the underlying needs rather than insisting on compliance. Find creative solutions that meet both your needs, like washing hands with a cloth at the table rather than insisting they go to the sink, or inviting them to help with dinner preparation if they're seeking connection.

 

Some children do have stronger needs for connection than others. Check in with yourself to see if you're able to meet their need without sacrificing your own needs. When you notice feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment arising, these are signals that it's time to set a boundary. Using "I'm not willing to..." language helps you honor both your needs and teaches your child that setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships.

 

The four traditional parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful) were originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind as "models of parental control" rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. They focus on controlling children's behavior rather than meeting everyone's needs. Interestingly, Baumrind actually identified a fifth approach she called "harmonious" parenting, which resembles the needs-based approach discussed in this episode, but didn't pursue researching it further.

 

You're being permissive when you consistently prioritize your child's needs over your own. If you notice feelings of resentment building up or find yourself thinking "they always get their way," these are clues that you might be sliding into permissiveness. The alternative isn't strict control but rather ensuring that both your needs and your child's needs are acknowledged and addressed.

 

And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits.

 

Click the banner to learn more.

 

 

 

020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?

181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead

148:Is spanking a child really so bad?

 

01:21 Introduction of today’s episode

02:47 Many parents believe that gentle, respectful parenting inevitably leads to being permissive. This episode challenges that misconception, arguing that the "slippery slope" from respectful to permissive parenting isn't inevitable. We'll examine why gentle parenting doesn't mean surrendering authority and explore alternatives to both permissiveness and strict authoritative approaches

05:50 Dr. Baumrind identified four methods of parental control, but also found a fifth "harmonious" approach used by parents who rejected the demandingness scale. These parents treated their children's needs as equally important as their own. The six children raised with this approach showed positive outcomes, especially girls, whom Dr. Baumrind noted were "easy to control," reflecting her criteria for effective parenting

10:29 Getting out the door on time, stopping sofa jumping, or ending screen time aren't actual needs—they're strategies we use to meet deeper needs like physical safety, peace, or feeling competent as parents. Understanding the difference between strategies and true needs helps us see what's really driving our parenting decisions

21:24 Logical consequences, are actually punishments created by parents, unlike natural consequences which occur without parental intervention. Natural consequences happen organically without requiring a parent to decide or enforce the outcome

23:55 Logical consequences in parent-child relationships likely count as more than one negative interaction because parents hold significant power over children and serve as primary attachment figures, unlike the adult relationships the Gottmans studied

29:00 When we recognize the underlying need behind a child's behavior, we can find strategies meeting both our needs, instead of relying on logical consequences. With a very young child, offering choices can “work” because they don't fully see that the choices you're offering are not meeting their need for autonomy

36:21 We shouldn't try to address connection needs only during rushed morning routines. Instead, we should take a broader approach, ensuring we meet our children's connection needs throughout the day. When children feel consistently connected, they won't desperately seek attention during high-pressure moments like morning departures or bedtime routines

38:57 When children seek more connection, we introduce boundaries by first checking in with ourselves. If you've met your own needs and can approach your child with an open heart, consider whether their request for connection either meets your own need for connection or doesn't prevent you from meeting another need. In these situations, both your needs and your child's needs are being met, creating a positive outcome

44:09 When we parent were not being permissive but rather balanced, we agree when both our needs align, and set boundaries when our needs aren't being met. This approach teaches children that boundaries are valuable life skills

44:40 Wrapping up the discussion

45:30 An open invitation for Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop

 

Lumanlan, J. (2017, January 08). Episode 020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/compliance/

Lumanlan, J. (2023, April 9). Episode 181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/givingchoices/

Lumanlan, J. (2022, February 6). Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/spanking/

 

 

"How can we get on the same page about discipline?" is one of the most common questions parents face. Before having kids, most couples never realize how different family backgrounds, experiences, and parenting beliefs will collide into seemingly unbridgeable differences. This episode explores practical tools to navigate these differences, from de-escalating tense moments to having productive conversations that honor both parents' needs while creating consistency for your children.

 

Questions this episode will answer

Your differing approaches likely stem from your own childhood experiences, family values, and what you're trying to "fix" from your upbringing. You might also have different core needs you're trying to meet — one parent might prioritize structure and predictability while another focuses on emotional connection. Understanding these differences is key to finding common ground rather than seeing your partner as "wrong."

 

When your partner uses a disciplinary approach you disagree with, jumping in to defend the kids often escalates the situation. Instead, try a de-escalation approach: help everyone regulate with your calm presence, validate each person's feelings, and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out while preserving dignity. Save deeper discussions for later when kids aren't present.

 

Approach conversations without judgment by framing the discussion around shared goals ("Can we talk about what we want to do when the kids don't listen?") rather than criticizing their approach ("You're too harsh with the kids"). The episode offers 10 indirect questions to help you understand the origins of your partner's beliefs about discipline.

 

If your partner is using your imperfect moments as "evidence" that your approach doesn't work, start with self-compassion. We look at how to use tools like The Feedback Process to explore your different ideas and find ways to move forward together.

 

Start by understanding what's driving each of your approaches rather than just focusing on behaviors. When you identify the underlying needs you're both trying to meet—whether it's creating structure, ensuring emotional connection, or teaching responsibility—you'll often find common ground. The episode provides indirect questions you can use to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped your parenting values. Then you can work together to determine what success looks like for both of you, examine what actually happens with different approaches, and create hybrid solutions that honor each person's core values while giving your children the consistency they need.

 

What you'll learn in this episode

Self-compassion is essential when navigating differences in discipline approaches with your partner. Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows self-compassion includes self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Practice treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend when you make mistakes or struggle to align with your partner.

 

Instead of undermining your partner in the moment, learn to de-escalate by helping everyone regulate, validating all feelings without taking sides, and offering simple solutions that preserve dignity. This approach prevents your child from triangulating between parents or one parent becoming the "rescuer" while the other is the "bad guy."

 

Traditional feedback is given by one person to another, but in parenting you'll be more on the same page when you learn collaboratively. This approach helps avoid criticism, which often triggers the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

 

Learn the steps of Dr. Caroline Fleck's Validation Ladder to help you deeply understand your partner's concerns. Validation shows "you're there, you get it, and you care" — essential for helping your partner to feel seen and understood before tackling differences.

 

Your partner's preference for certain discipline strategies is their best attempt to meet their needs. Learn to identify needs like competence, ease, respect, order, peace, connection, and recognition. Understanding these needs transforms how you view disagreements — what looks like being "too harsh" might be meeting a need for competence, while being "too soft" might be meeting a need for connection.

 

FAQs

Break the good cop/bad cop pattern by identifying the underlying needs driving each approach. When you understand these, you can create an approach to dealing with your child's behavior that's more likely to meet both of your needs. Have regular check-ins about what's working and what needs adjustment, away from the children.

 

In the moment, focus on de-escalation rather than confrontation. Move closer to provide a calming presence, acknowledge everyone's feelings without blame ("I can see we're having a hard time"), and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out. Save the deeper conversation for later when you're both calm and the kids aren't present. When you do talk, focus on understanding what triggered the reaction rather than criticizing.

 

Parenting approaches are deeply influenced by our own childhood experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal values. Your partner's discipline style likely reflects their attempt to either replicate what worked in their family or correct what didn't. Understanding these origins through curious, non-judgmental conversations can help you see their approach as making sense given their history, even if you disagree with it.

 

Instead of focusing on changing your partner, work together to identify shared parenting goals and values. Use the Feedback Process described in the episode to learn together rather than one person critiquing the other. Determine success criteria together, look at what actually happens when different approaches are used, and construct new understanding about what would work better for your family.

 

In the Parenting Membership, we learn communication strategies based in the Gottman Method to address challenges with our partners. When we understand the deep needs behind our partner's approach to discipline (and they understand ours too), we can usually find a path forward that comes much closer to meeting both of our needs. You'll see couples arguing much like you and your partner argue now, and then quickly learning new tools that help you to talk about issues you disagree on without either of you getting triggered.

 

And we'll give you a preview of those tools in the Full Experience of the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop!

 

Click the banner to learn more.

 

 

 

01:21 Introduction of today’s episode

04:55 Self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three components: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. When struggling with parenting differences, we need all three elements. Instead of harsh self-criticism about parenting conflicts, pause and offer yourself the same kindness you'd give a friend in your situation

08:12 Validation simply acknowledges the legitimate feelings underneath because we all want to be understood by others

12:20 Joellen explains that the feedback process is a process of learning where a learner constructs their own understanding of the information to be able to make it their own

15:55 10 Questions that parents might consider asking to their partner to help get a better understanding of how each parent think of these issues about parenting

18:15 Dr. Fleck identifies validation as crucial for authentic relationships, allowing us to feel seen and loved for who we are. Without validation, others aren't relating to our true selves. This connects to Joellen Killion's feedback process, where participants must understand each other's wants, listen to different perspectives, and find common ground. The goal is mutual respect where neither person claims expertise, but both voices are valued

20:30 Four horsemen of the apocalypse are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling

25:30 The beauty of identifying needs is that while strategies for meeting needs can conflict like a strict consequence system versus a more collaborative approach, the underlying needs rarely do

27:45 Introducing Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop

33:02 When criticism defines a relationship, facing more criticism feels overwhelming. Retreating into silence and handling things separately seems easier than risking additional pain

34:31 A little introduction on Parenting Membership

47:04 When discussing parenting disagreements constructively, you can explore values without damaging your relationship, instead actually strengthening your connection without emotional tailspins

50:02 Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop and Parenting Membership information

 

Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Episode 122: Self-Compassion for Parents.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/

Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). Episode 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, March 23). Episode 241: Validating children's feelings: Why it's important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/validation-dr-caroline-fleck/

Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 13). Episode 242: The secret to having feedback conversations your family will actually hear.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/feedback-family-will-hear/

 

Have you ever shared an observation with your partner or child, only to watch them immediately become defensive or shut down? You meant well, but somehow your words landed as criticism instead of the helpful insight you intended.

 

In this episode, we explore The Feedback Process framework with Joellen Killion, examining how we can transform our family communications. When we participate in the feedback process effectively, we create conversations that family members can actually hear—conversations that lead to lasting positive change rather than defensiveness and resistance.

 

 Questions this episode will answer

• 
  
• Why do our attempts to share observations with family members often lead to defensiveness?
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• 
  
• What's the difference between criticism and participating in the feedback process?
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• 
  
• How can we frame our observations so they're received as helpful rather than hurtful?
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• What specific language patterns help family members stay open to what we're sharing?
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• How can we create feedback conversations that strengthen relationships instead of damaging them?
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• How does shifting from "waiting to respond" to "truly listening" transform the entire feedback dynamic?
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• How can we teach children to participate in the feedback process constructively?
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 What you'll learn in this episode

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• The key components of The Feedback Process framework and how they transform family communications
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• 
  
• Practical techniques to share observations without triggering defensiveness in your partner or children
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• Specific language patterns that help feedback recipients stay open to what you're sharing
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• How to recognize when feedback isn't being received and what to do about it
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• 
  
• The crucial difference between criticism and constructive feedback
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• Ways to create a family culture where feedback strengthens relationships rather than damaging them
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• How participating in the feedback process builds emotional intelligence in children
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• Practical examples of transforming common family conflicts through effective feedback conversations
• 
  

 

This episode provides practical tools to break cycles of criticism and defensiveness, creating space for authentic communication that leads to positive change in your family relationships.

 

Joellen Killion's book

The Feedback Process (Affiliate link)

 

• Other episodes mentioned
• 212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family
• 
  
• 
  
• 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner
• 
  
• 
  
• 102: From confusion and conflict to confident parenting
• 
  

Jump to highlights

00:57 Introduction of today’s guest

04:17 Key distinction between the traditional feedback that we usually practice and the feedback process

09:50 When we encourage our partners, children, and siblings to express their views and desires, we acknowledge that we don't have authority over them. True connection comes from understanding what others want, sharing our perspective, and finding mutual agreement.

14:55 When parents define success differently, navigate this by exploring each other's underlying values without judgment, sharing your perspective, finding common ground, and experimenting with compromises that honor both viewpoints while meeting your child's needs.

20:52 Create space for productive dialogue by focusing on the agreement versus the action, and inviting reflection rather than demanding explanations, you maintain connection while addressing inconsistency. This helps parents recommit to thoughtfully revise agreements when needed.

27:48 The feedback typology and how do we know what type of feedback to use in any given situation

32:48 Examples of what the feedback process looks like in the regulate middle stage, and the metacognitive reflect stage

35:19 What does reflecting and metacognition look with a child and with a parenting partner?

38:56 The stages of the feedback process

40:11 Situations given by Joellen in which we can determine if it is construction knowledge and deconstruction knowledge

49:26 Success comes from finding middle ground that allows for consistent parenting. We can examine specific situations where we approached our child's emotions differently, analyzing how each of us felt, how our child reacted, and the ultimate outcomes. From this analysis, we can construct an ideal approach that incorporates both perspectives.

55:55 The first question to feedback process is what do you want to learn about the topic because it shows a small indication of motivation, openness, and willingness to learn

57:46 The difference between giving and receiving feedback and engaging in the feedback process or a learning process

59:10 Wrapping up the discussion

 

References

Bing-You, R. G., & Trowbridge, R. L. (2009). Why medical educators may be failing at feedback. Jama, 302(12), 1330-1331.

Black, P., & Wiliam, D. (1998). Assessment and classroom learning. Assessment in Education: principles, policy & practice, 5(1), 7-74.

Bok, H. G., Teunissen, P. W., Spruijt, A., Fokkema, J. P., van Beukelen, P., Jaarsma, D. A., & van der Vleuten, C. P. (2013). Clarifying students’ feedback‐seeking behaviour in clinical clerkships. Medical education, 47(3), 282-291.

Butler, D. L., & Winne, P. H. (1995). Feedback and self-regulated learning: A theoretical synthesis. Review of educational research, 65(3), 245-281.

Hattie, J., & Timperley, H. (2007). The power of feedback. Review of educational research, 77(1), 81-112.

Kluger, A. N., & DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of feedback interventions on performance: a historical review, a meta-analysis, and a preliminary feedback intervention theory. Psychological bulletin, 119(2), 254.

 

 

What exactly is validation? Dr. Fleck defines it as communication that demonstrates you are mindful, understand, and empathize with another person's experience, thereby accepting it as valid.

 

In this illuminating conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck, author the book Validation, we explore the powerful concept of validation and how it can transform your relationship with your child. Dr. Fleck is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University.

 

After the conversation with Dr. Fleck, I provide my own perspective on the third part of her book. While I found the first two parts on validation techniques extremely valuable and immediately applicable, I share some concerns about using validation as a tool for changing children's behavior. I explore the ethical considerations of consent-based relationships with children and offer an alternative approach focused on understanding needs rather than modifying behavior. The conversation gives you an overview of the very useful validation framework, while the conclusion honors my commitment to respectful, needs-based parenting approaches that maintain children's autonomy and inner experience.

 

Questions this episode will answer

• 
  
• How do I validate my child's feelings when they're having a meltdown?
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• 
  
• Does validating my child's emotions make tantrums worse or last longer?
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• 
  
• What should I say when my child is upset about something that seems trivial?
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• 
  
• How can I tell the difference between validating feelings versus validating bad behavior?
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• 
  
• What are the most effective words to use when validating my child's emotions?
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• 
  
• How does validation help my child develop emotional regulation skills?
• 
  
• 
  
• What happens if I've been unintentionally invalidating my child's feelings?
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• 
  
• Is it possible to validate feelings while still setting necessary boundaries?
• 
  
• 
  
• What simple validation techniques can I start using today with my child?
• 
  

What you'll learn in this episode

• 
  
• Simple, practical phrases to validate your child's feelings during difficult moments
• 
  
• 
  
• How to respond when your child is upset about something that seems small (like a broken cracker)
• 
  
• 
  
• The step-by-step validation ladder you can use with children of all ages
• 
  
• 
  
• Why saying "You're OK!" actually makes tantrums worse and what to say instead
• 
  
• 
  
• How validation helps your child develop emotional regulation skills faster
• 
  
• 
  
• Easy mindfulness techniques to stay calm when your child is emotional
• 
  
• 
  
• Specific examples of validation for common parenting challenges
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• 
  
• How to validate feelings while still maintaining important boundaries
• 
  
• 
  
• Ways to repair your relationship if you've been unintentionally invalidating
• 
  
• 
  
• The connection between childhood validation and long-term mental health
• 
  

 

Whether you're dealing with tantrums, big emotions, difficult conversations, or just want to build a stronger connection with your child, the validation techniques shared in this episode provide a foundation for healthier relationships and emotional well-being.

 

Dr. Fleck’s book

Validation: how the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life (Affiliate link)

 

Jump to highlights

00:57 Introducing today’s episode and guest speaker

04:06 Definition of validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck

04:38 Importance of validation in our relationships

08:27 The idea that facts are debatable, you have fundamentally uprooted the basis for determining validity

14:44 How does validating other people helps us?

16:48 The role of validating our kid’s feelings in some kinds of situations

20:07 Gender differences in terms of ability to validate and willingness to learn about validating

23:48 Invalidation is one of the single greatest contributors to mental health problems that we often know

27:02 It is possible to develop a self-validation wherein you progress the skills to validate yourself

28:38 The validation ladder has eight skills that map to one or more of those qualities

31:57 How does Dr. Fleck relate “attending” into one of the mindfulness skills

33:56 The other important qualities to attending in non-verbal which is a very critical way of communicating

36:02 Copying is also one of the two important skills that are located at the bottom of the validation ladder

46:23 Equalizing is the idea that anyone in your shoes would always do the same thing

47:48 Proposing is sharing an idea about what you think the other person is thinking or feeling based I what they’ve said in the conversation

54:34 Validating the other person’s worth by demonstrating that you put their experience by sharing

56:09 Dr. Caroline Fleck summarizes the discussion

58:44 Jen’s thought about the third part that focuses on behavioral change and why she took a different approach

01:02:09 DBT is a behaviorist-based approach which serves an important purpose in clinical settings where adults have specifically sought help for behaviors that are causing them distress.

01:08:58 Wrapping up the discussion

 

References

Adrian, M., Berk, M. S., Korslund, K., Whitlock, K., McCauley, E., & Linehan, M. (2018). Parental validation and invalidation predict adolescent self-harm. Professional psychology: research and practice, 49(4), 274.

Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating feedback predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 35(6), 471-493.

Haas, A. P., Eliason, M., Mays, V. M., Mathy, R. M., Cochran, S. D., D'Augelli, A. R., ... & Clayton, P. J. (2010). Suicide and suicide risk in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender populations: Review and recommendations. Journal of homosexuality, 58(1), 10-51.

Holopainen, R., Lausmaa, M., Edlund, S., Carstens-Söderstrand, J., Karppinen, J., O’Sullivan, P., & Linton, S. J. (2023). Physiotherapists’ validating and invalidating communication before and after participating in brief cognitive functional therapy training. Test of concept study. European Journal of Physiotherapy, 25(2), 73-79.

Krause, E. D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T. R. (2003). Childhood emotional invalidation and adult psychological distress: The mediating role of emotional inhibition. Child abuse & neglect, 27(2), 199-213.

Linton, S. J., Flink, I. K., Nilsson, E., & Edlund, S. (2017). Can training in empathetic validation improve medical students' communication with patients suffering pain? A test of concept. Pain reports, 2(3), e600.

Martin, C. G., Kim, H. K., & Freyd, J. J. (2018). In the spirit of full disclosure: Maternal distress, emotion validation, and adolescent disclosure of distressing experiences. Emotion, 18(3), 400.

Ruan, Y., Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., Hirsch, J. L., & Bink, B. D. (2020). Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression. Emotion, 20(3), 329.

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183.