In this episode, Betsy hosts a Q&A session based on questions from her Instagram followers. She addresses topics like divorce’s impact on children, rebuilding a sense of thriving within a marriage, transitioning identity in midlife, and the importance of a flexible morning routine. Many of these questions are most likely ones that you have asked yourself, so tune in and prioritize your personal alignment so you can live your best life.

Transcript

 Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.

Hi everybody. Welcome. Welcome to The Art of Living Big. I’m happy you’re here. Today we’re going to do a q and a. You know, maybe a week or so ago I asked, I put a little thing on my Instagram stories, asking if people had questions, and I got a couple, but I get questions quite often, so I’ve just been screenshotting those.

And I thought today we could dive in to that. If you missed our fireside chat on this past Sunday night. It was so, fun. We had a big group there and we just talked about all the things. Midlife, it was really great. We didn’t record of course, because , things come up that we don’t want to have recorded and shared with people who weren’t there.

But we’re gonna be doing it again. I’m not totally sure if I’m gonna do one in December. I’m traveling and I’ve got some things going on, and so it may be easier to start after the new year and that might also be like a fresh start to get going on those. But I really would like to do them every month.

So if you didn’t make it to this one, come to the next one. And if you did come to the last one, I’d love to see you at the future ones too. I really feel like. We are beginning to build community there, and who knows what that will lead to. I always think like live events, it’s gonna, we’re all gonna get together.

I’m gonna get to hug you, so be sure to be on my email list or be checking on Instagram and I’ll be sure to post when we have the date for that one. And that way you can sign up and you’ll get a reminder and all that good stuff and the zoom link and all that. So that was great. I am heading outta town this weekend.

I’m going down to Florida for, , my group with the people , that I am a coachee of. So I’m meeting up with all these people. You’ve probably heard me talk about that before if you’ve been here for a while, but I have been in this coaching. , Since 2018. So a really long time, and really steadily over the past two years.

So we get together about three times a year live, and then we meet every week. So it’s so fun ’cause you form relationships with people. Online, and then you get to see ’em in real life, which is just really, really such a treat. So it’s right before Thanksgiving, but I am so excited about the holidays. This, season.

, There’s nothing that could throw me off at this point. , I’m just so excited to be able to plan things and figure out what feels the best to me. Get the things I wanna get to eat and visit with the people I wanna visit with. It’s just gonna be really, really great. So I’m excited to kinda have that event to like kick off my holiday season.

So I’m not sure if you’ve got something coming up where you’re gonna kick off your holiday season, but , I am really looking forward to that and I’m gonna miss my kitty. We’re gonna do it. I tell ’em I’m only gone a few times a year, , and then next year I’m planning already, , so I’m excited for that.

I’ve got some big trips planned for next year and some really fun things coming. And so, yeah, there’s just a lot to look forward to. So let’s dive in today. I’ve got some questions and we’ll kind of go through, , some of these have thought through and, to be honest, some of them I haven’t, which it, kind of leads to.

I think a good outcome. So we don’t always have to have everything totally planned. , And , with this podcast I tend to get an idea and then just kind of talk. So let me grab the first question that I got. Okay. So the first question that I got was, , how much do you consider the effect of divorce on your children when considering your own needs?

, This is. Such a universal question and this phrase of question. , And I will say this, if you’re listening and you’re like, I’m not on the verge of getting divorced, it’s okay. I have a wide range of questions here. We, run the gamut. But this one in particular, I think is really important because it is something that I get asked in a number of different ways almost every day.

And I think that, , it’s a really, really important question and. I think it’s one of those questions that sort of, the answer for it lives in the space between logic and your brain and your heart, , because as mothers our, nervous systems are really wired to prioritize our, children’s safety and, their happiness really.

Right. And sometimes we do that even at the risk of our own. And so when the idea of divorce starts coming up between you and your partner, it’s, rarely just a practical decision, right? It, puts you into a existential crisis as you really think through what’s the right road. And, you know, you’ve probably heard me say before, , with so many things, there’s no right and no wrong. Any road that you take. Is gonna have pluses and minuses. But here’s what I believe. I believe that you don’t stop considering your children when you start considering yourself. Like those two things aren’t opposite. They’re intertwined because what our kids ultimately learn from us isn’t , how well did you sacrifice?

It’s really. How, honestly, did you live? They’re watching. They’re watching what we tolerate. Oh my gosh. I’ve had so many conversations like this with my daughter, but they’re watching how, we love how we stay. They’re watching how we leave. , I always say to the women in the Navigate method, if they make the choice to leave, to do it with bravery and integrity.

Right. Don’t say you’re gonna do something, don’t agree to something, and then change your mind. Like especially if you’ve, had , somebody asked you a question and then you said yes, or you signed something saying yes, , be in integrity. That’s, something nobody can take from you. Be brave and make the decisions from a place of bravery because kids are learning, , whether peace is something that we’re just performing or that we’re really embodying.

Right? And when you live with integrity and bravery, , all of those things matter when you’re looking at this. And , I think that every mother considers their kids. And I know when I went through my divorce, I considered my daughter, but I also had to ask what does she learn If I model a life that looks good, maybe on the outside, but she knows it’s slowly draining me on the inside, right?

Because kids don’t need perfection, but , they need honesty. They need to see what repair looks like, what boundaries sound like, what really thriving looks like. And the truth is, sometimes the most loving thing that you can do for your kid is to choose a life that’s really true to you, because that’s how they learn to choose themselves too.

So. This is such a hard question, and it’s something everybody has to come to terms with on their own, but I think the real question shouldn’t be like, how much should I consider them? It should be, what am I teaching them through what I’m choosing? And I think when you start to look at it that way, it stops feeling selfish and your decision starts to feel sacred because not all.

Pain, and I’ve, said this in a, number of different ways on Instagram and, , in my posts or even in newsletters. But marriage can be an incredibly spiritually uplifting and growing process, but not all pain is holy. If the other person is just allowing you to just fight for your damn life and struggle, and that’s what your children are seeing, then maybe there’s another way to look at this, where you can show them what it looks like to be brave and to be an integrity, and to choose yourself, right, and to choose what’s honest.

So I would just offer that as your thought, as your guidepost, as you think through this. All right. My next question that I got is, can you rebuild a sense of thriving when you’re still in the marriage, or do you have to leave to really find that in yourself again? And I think this is such a good question and one that I think.

So many people ask like in secret, , I think that there’s a belief that you can only come alive once you’ve really burned it all to the ground and that. To really reclaim a feeling of thriving you, you’ve gotta get out of the situation , that you’re in. And , it doesn’t mean that that’s not it.

It may be that’s it, but I think that feeling like you’re thriving or feeling like you’re alive begins way before any of that. I think it starts when you start having. Little moments of being honest with yourself. When you stop saying that you’re fine. When you’re not fine. You know when something happens and you say That doesn’t feel good, even if it doesn’t make sense to you.

I had somebody say to me the other day, , if my husband, if I’m washing the dishes and my husband , who hasn’t hardly talked to me in days, sees me. Leaning over the sink and comes over to grind himself into the back of me while I’m trying to clean up after dinner all by myself. , I’m going to lose my mind.

Right. And I hear that version. It, comes in different formats, but it’s that same kind of feeling. And I think when , , this person that messaged me this, I think was trying to. Figure out why that didn’t feel good, because it’s her husband and she should be happy. But I, think that this feeling of I’m thriving, or I’m coming alive again, is really when you let yourself say that isn’t right.

I might not know why. But my body’s telling me that doesn’t feel good. And I could tell you a million reasons why that probably doesn’t feel good. But I think you just acknowledging it. Just saying, I don’t know why, but that makes me so uncomfortable. That is when. This feeling of, thriving and being alive starts to come back to you, right?

Because you’re listening to yourself again. You’re having moments where you’re being really honest, even if it doesn’t logically make sense. I think we’ve gotta get out of our brains a little bit and back into our body because that’s where truth is. You don’t have to leave your marriage to start that process in.

In fact, I often say. Some of the most powerful work can be done because you’re still living with your partner because he’s still there, or she’s still there because you’re having an opportunity to. Be activated or to feel that feeling of something’s not right, because when you’re alone, , it’s easy to be like, everything’s fine.

There’s nobody, like I always say, , if I lived on the beach all by myself, oh my God, like life would be good. I mean, you’d be lonely, but, you know what I mean, it’d be good. There’d be nobody to activate me but myself. But the interesting thing is that. You could leave your partner and you could find a new partner, and they would do that same thing and it still wouldn’t feel good.

So unless you figure out why, right? Some of the most powerful work can happen when you’re still together because you can figure out what is happening and you can start to learn to reclaim your energy and your intuition and your self trust, and that’s the part that you need to start. That you need to really stop like outsourcing, right?

He’s outsourcing your piece to whether he does something right. Outsourcing your piece to whether he finally listens to you or whether things improve or whether , he’ll finally have a conversation with you about the holidays before. It’s three days before the holidays. You know, like all of those things, can you get to a place of peace?

Now that shift, is taking everything from external to internal. That is what begins to wake something back up. Now, will the marriage be able to hold the new version of you? That’s a different question, but sometimes when you begin to thrive and you come alive again, you realize that the relationship can expand.

We just had Holly, and I don’t think I talked about this, but I think I’ve put it on my Instagram. Holly finished the program maybe like in March, and she sent me an email. And signed it and said I could use it. I think we’re putting it on the website, but she said she finished the program in March, just celebrated her 20th anniversary.

She said, I’d never thought I’d be here, and she said I had the greatest day with him. We went out on motorcycles and the wind was in my hair and it was so great. But she said something I thought was so important. She said, it’s not just that he magically became a knight in shining armor. It’s a really that I.

Began to know myself. You can look at exactly what she wrote. I saved it in my highlights on my Instagram, under does it work? I think is , what it’s called. But so of course you can come alive and then you can find that the relationship can hold that version of you. If you keep shrinking, if you keep ignoring yourself, if you keep just like wanting to disappear, the moment that he comes up behind you and never honor what’s actually going on, then, you’re, you can’t ever move forward.

, You can’t ever change. You’ve gotta get clear and honest with yourself, and then you can start showing up differently, and then you can begin to choose what’s true in instead of. What’s keeping everyone else comfortable, right? All right, so this isn’t a question, but I’m gonna give it to you anyway because it’s something I wanna tell you.

I wanna just remind you ’cause I keep thinking about the holidays and I keep using the holidays in my examples. But, , don’t forget, cozy Earth is one of our sponsors on the show, but Cozy Earth has the most amazing luxury bedding towels. This bathrobe that I’m obsessed with, that I’ve talked about like every episode.

, And right now they have. A deal on their website. So right now they have, I think it’s 20% off. And then if you use the code live Big Betsy, they let you stack that with whatever is going on the website. So up until mid-December, you can get 40% off. And their sheets, especially if you’re having hot flashes, their sheets are so amazing.

, And they’ll give you like a hundred days, or yeah, a hundred days to try the sheets. And if you don’t like ’em, you can send them back. I still say Get the, socks. Get the socks. They’re so good. I have the three pack of the pinks and they’re just really good lounge socks, but I like ’em with my Birkenstocks and then.

Also get , the quilted house coats the greatest thing ever. But I have their pajamas, I have so much of their stuff. It’s so good. So check that out as you start to think about the holidays and planning or what you’re asking for. I swear to God, if you get the bathrobe, tell me. I like every night I’d put it in the dryer so that it’s warm when I put it on and it’s like a,

it’s just the greatest thing ever. So. Just, , a reminder, use the code live with Betsy and you can get an extra 20% off, which is pretty cool. All right, so let’s go to the next question here. Alright, so the next question was how do you, ’cause I talk about this sometime on Instagram, right? So how do you let go of the version of you that got you here?

I hear this all the time. How do you do that without feeling like you’re losing yourself? I am the one who got me here, and I think that’s a really. Important question and I when I read it, I was like, I get this, and it feels like it totally encapsulates midlife because we always hear like we’re changing and growing and things are different.

We see everything different. And if you’re here in midlife, everything feels different. It does. You see the world different. We talked about this the other night on the, , fireside chat. , Our estrogen is lower and so our give a crap hormones are down. So we do see things differently and I think .

If you’re like me, you’ve built so much of your life or your identity or. Even your, reputation, right? How people see you on being really reliable or really productive or , maybe the person who can take care of it. And maybe, and I hear this all the time too, it’s like everyone just expects me to take care of it.

’cause I always have, right? My in-laws or my. Sister-in-law or brother-in-law, or everybody expects me to host the things and have all the things, but now you’re at this different place, right? And, you’re tired. It’s not even that you’re burned out. It’s more like you’re done performing the version of you who used to feel like that was where her value was.

, And I think that for a lot of us. There was a piece of us that wanted to prove that we could do it all. Do you remember that commercial when we were growing up? , I can bring him the bacon right up in a pan and never, let you forget you’re a man. I mean, now when I think of that, it makes me vomit up to the top of my mouth, like I’ve just like, ugh.

Really? Do I have to do all that and make you think and never let you forget? You’re a man? Gimme a break. So I get, I get this ’cause you’re like, this is who I’ve been, this is my identity, but here’s what I think. You’re not letting her go. She has been part of who you are. You’re just allowing her to rest, right?

You’re not rejecting her. She’s the one that held it all together and brought you to where you are. And I think that’s really valuable. It’s just that you acknowledging that she doesn’t have to be the one to run the show all the time, you know? Your job way back may have felt like survival. The kids are doing a million things.

Your husband’s doing a million things, the house needs running. You’ve got a full-time job, like all of that. Your job was surviving that and now maybe the kids have gone off to college or they’re grown, your husband and you’re in a different place. Maybe you’re divorced, maybe you’re single, maybe you never got married.

But your job now after in and after midlife is expansion. And those are two really different things and different skill sets really. And I think when women hit this point, we, mistake it or we call it like a midlife crisis. Right? I don’t know that people call it that anymore, but when I was growing up, I remember people talking about the midlife crisis, but it’s really a transition in identity.

Like you’re moving from a life that was really defined by caring for others. And now you’re moving to define your life by the presence of who you are. It’s, really an evolution. And the way through I don’t think is trying to figure out who am I now? I think it’s just getting curious.

I, have been painting almost every night. I paint, I have all these paints and I’ve got, my own artwork on the refrigerator. I have been having so much fun. Is it good? No, it’s really not that good. It’s getting better, but it’s, it is something that allows me to express myself and to express my curiosity of being creative.

I think that there’s something that happens here, right where we are allowed to slow down enough to meet the parts of you that never got a turn before. I think I’ve always been creative, but I never had the opportunity. I was managing way too much. So I think the invitation here isn’t to erase the version of you or the identity of you who achieved and fixed and managed, but it is to integrate her.

To, thank her and, then to stop letting that be the driver for every decision. Ask yourself like, what would feel really good right now? What would the version of me who can rest and take care of herself, what would she do? Maybe she would get some watercolors, like whatever it is, , because who you’re becoming isn’t a stranger.

Somebody on the , call the other day on our fireside chat said it’s more of like a shedding all the layers and you know, we’ve heard that. , You’re getting back to yourself. But I think that’s so true. , Who you are becoming isn’t a stranger. She’s been there all alone. She’s just been standing behind the one who had to be ultra capable all the time.

You know? So if you’re in that in-between space, I think that the, answer isn’t to hustle, to look for a new identity, but it’s to sort of lean back into the one who’s always been there, right? Kind of meeting yourself again for the first time. Okay. Another question I got that said, everyone talks about having a morning routine and how this is also life changing, but honestly, I can barely get outta bed without checking my phone.

What’s the point of a routine if I already feel behind before the day even starts? This is like the best. Question because I, feel like we see this all the time, , about having a routine, and I think this is really a great way to have structure and to start your day off right, and all of those things that we hear.

And I think that when it becomes too rigid, then it becomes one more thing that either we have to do or we’re failing at. One of the things that I did years ago was I created a checklist. So I created a list of all the things that I actually would like to do in the morning, and let me say it this way, the things that I would like to do, but the things I like to do in the morning, like I really like to journal.

I like to pull a card, like I have Oracle cards, and I’ll ask a question to my inner knower and pull a card. I like to talk to my inner knower. Sometimes I like to do a hypnosis or a guided meditation. , There’s times where I just wanna sit and think. There’s times where I wanna paint now. There’s times sometimes where I just wanna watch a show that I’ve been watching and that probably sounds really crazy ’cause you’re like, what?

No, it’s your, morning routine. Get going. But I find that the morning routines intention is to put me in alignment. Right. It’s, designed to make me feel good. Like I can start the day and I get to do that however I want, you know? For a long time. I was in a season where I had to get somebody else ready for school and drive her to school and do all of those things, but now I don’t, you know, my daughter is an adult.

My mornings are my own, and so I can choose to do whatever I want and whatever I wanna do to get into alignment. Sometimes it’s, listen lots of times these days, it’s listening to YouTube videos that are aligning and uplifting, so. I think that if you think of your morning routine and say, , if you can barely get outta bed without checking your phone, what if you didn’t check your phone?

Like is that something that puts you in alignment? And what if you have a checklist of things that you like to do and don’t make them have to be productive, you. Don’t make it be something that you’ve gotta check off the list. Have it just be like, these are a variety of things that I enjoy and I’m gonna do a couple of them in the morning to give myself space to become, I’m gonna give myself space to see what creativity is hanging out, waiting to be noticed.

So I would say with this, , sometimes we wanna check our phones and I get that. I, I. I have a pretty good routine of not checking it before I get up out of bed, but it’s not long after I get out of bed and I’ll just quick check my messages to see if there’s anything I need to know. But so many times if it is something I need to know, it’s not something I can deal with till I get in the office and then I’m just stressed.

So I have really learned to put it aside just for the sake of my own like nervous system. And so what if. You say in the morning, I’m not gonna do that, but I am gonna reach for, and maybe it’s like a pad of paper and a pen, and then you do that while you’re lying in bed. So we don’t wanna change everything, but maybe there’s one piece of this that we can change so that it’s easier to start to make a transition to something new.

So. Be kind to yourself. The whole idea of , , having a nervous system, the whole idea of having a morning routine is to get into alignment. It’s to feel good and start your day off well. So do that, but don’t make it mean something else. Don’t make it mean that you’re good or bad, or you did it or didn’t do it, or you checked off a list or not.

Like what if you just ease up on all that and just allow yourself space to do whatever feels right on any given day. All right, so that’s our questions today. There’s a couple others, maybe we’ll do this again in a couple weeks. If you guys have anything that you want me to answer, just shoot us an email at [email protected] or shoot me a message on Instagram and I will screenshot it and save it for later.

So I hope this episode was interesting to you and. Helpful. If I can do anything for you, please feel, free to shoot us a message and let me know. If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend. And if you like the show, I would love it if you left me a review. We haven’t had a review in like a year.

I’m like, I was looking today and I was like, oh, it sure would be nice to have reviews. I sit here on this end of the microphone and I do get feedback from you guys that you liked the show or that something spoke to you and I appreciate that more than you know, ’cause I’m just talking into the oblivion, you know?

So getting a review is really nice ’cause it makes me go, okay, , this is worth it. People like it. . And that does make it easier, so you can either shoot me a message, but if you have a chance and you can leave me a review on iTunes, I always sure appreciate it and it helps other people know the show’s worth listening to.

Our time is so limited and so valuable that nobody wants to waste their time if it’s not something that actually provides any value to them or is entertaining. All right. I love you guys so much. I will see you next week. I, , am thinking about the holiday. I’ll have , , the Thanksgiving episode.

Maybe I’ll have that one come out. Maybe I’ll have it come out early that morning, so if you’re cooking, you can listen to it. Okay. , We’ll see you next week, and then we’ll do it all again for Thanksgiving. Talk to you then. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger.

Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless. And your life. It’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.