The Art of Living Big | Subconscious | NLP | Mindset

On todays episode Betsy takes you on a journey to discover the true path to get anything you want… and why it works!

Transcript:

Betsy [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the Art of Living Big podcast. My name is Betsy Pake. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the art of Living Big.

Betsy [00:00:35]:
Today I have, I have a really fun topic to talk about today, and it’s something that I have, I would suspect I did a podcast on this probably like five or six years ago, but I have been really, I’m going to say, like, diving into it recently. Orlando, you know how an idea will come, and although it is still a frame that you see the world through, you’re not as aware of it because it becomes like an unconscious habit, like an unconscious way of seeing the world. But sometimes it’s really helpful to bring those unconscious things into the consciousness so that we can refine them, really make them useful to us, make them something that is really prominent in our life. I think it’s sort of like when people say, I’m getting back to the basics, right? This is what I’m doing. I’ve been getting back to the basics. So I wanted to talk to you about it today because I think it can be so profound. If it’s something you already know about as a good reminder. Right.

Betsy [00:01:48]:
Or it will be like the greatest knowledge bomb that I’ve ever dropped. If you’ve never heard of this before, I know. And now you’re like, you’re like two minutes in Betsy. What the heck is it? So let me tell you. So the last couple episodes, I’ve sort of talked about how I have been really diving into an unconscious pattern that I’ve had and discovering what that is, I hired someone, a hypnotherapist, to be able to help me with that. And I’m walking through this process. I will tell you, and I know I’ve said this before, and there’s a reason why I say it, but let me say this. I have invested really heavily in myself over the years, and this year, probably the most heavily that I have ever invested in myself.

Betsy [00:02:41]:
The reason that I tell you that is because I would love for you to adopt the idea that you’re a sure thing. You know, sometimes we have things that come up in our lives, and we’re like, I want to take action on that. I want to shift that. I know I could get hypnosis but I don’t know if that would work for me. Like, I’m not sure I am a sure thing. If I am paying you to do something for me, I will suck every ounce of goodness out of that that I can. I will ask for help when I need it. I will do whatever it is people tell me to do.

Betsy [00:03:20]:
If I hire them and I choose them, then I will listen and I will do the thing. And this is how come I always say, like, I’m a sure thing. I’m a sure bet. And when I say this, I don’t mean this in a small way. Like, I don’t know how to tell you how much I’ve invested in myself this year without saying it’s. It’s almost, it’s almost six figures. So intense amount of importance I have put on moving past my own blocks and moving into the next level of what’s there for me. And the reason why is because I have a vision, and I know that there’s a reason that that vision was taking me so long.

Betsy [00:04:01]:
I was like, okay, I’m done. Like, sitting on my thinking chair every day and, like, thinking about it, like, what is really holding me back? And I think I’ve done, I mean, I have absolutely done a lot of work over the last ten years to move past things, but this year I got really aggressive. I was like, yep, we’re not playing. The moment that I notice something, I am like a dog on a bone. I’m like, ooh, I notice a piece of resistance and I’m going to talk about that. I notice where I, I’m allowing myself to drop down to a frame of mind that is not helpful to get me where I want to go. I am all about you shifting your goal. If you decide that your goal needs to be shifted, if you have a vision for what you want your life to be like, and then you’re like, ah, you know, I thought I wanted to go to the beach, but now I don’t really think I’d want to live full time at the beach.

Betsy [00:04:57]:
Now I think it looks different. Absolutely. Shift your goal. But I never want you or me to shift my goal because I can’t get to where I want to go. I never want to, like, dummy it down and say, well, I guess that’s just not available to me. I don’t believe that. I really, really don’t. And so one of the things that I want to teach you today is about the thing that is really going to make the difference for you for the rest of your life.

Betsy [00:05:29]:
So even if you were like, I don’t know, you know, I would never invest that much myself, which, I mean, I get it. Or if you’re like, I don’t know how to find the things that need to be shifted, you know, there is some learning that needs to go on. Like, I totally get it. Even if you never learn any of that, if you learn this, you will move so much faster, you will have so much more joy. And by moving faster, I’m going to come back to that. But you will have so much joy. You will enjoy your life. You will feel like it is a life that has felt worth living.

Betsy [00:06:10]:
The day that you are an old lady or an old man and you’re laying in bed with all of your family and friends around you and you are about to transition, you will be like, I did it. I lived the best life that I could just by doing this one thing. I know, I know. This is exciting, right? What the heck am I going to tell you? Okay, so let me tell you. But before I do tell you, I want to go back to the whole moving faster. When I say moving faster, I do not mean not being present and appreciating where you are. I don’t want you to think that. I mean, the best part is way out there and you’ve got to hustle and keep going.

Betsy [00:06:50]:
That is not what I mean. What I mean by moving faster is I believe that we have to feel like we are experiencing greatness and that we’re really content in that moment and we’re reaching for more. And if we feel like we’re stuck or we’re stagnant, then we don’t have that feeling of being really content where we are and reaching for more. Do you feel the difference in that? So I want to make that distinction by moving faster, I just mean all the little things that you want to experience in the present moment, you’re not only experiencing, but you’re able to recognize because you are being present. Right? You know, a couple years ago, I posted, and I think I posted this on Instagram. And in fact, I bet I did a whole podcast about it. But I typically will take one vacation a year by myself. It’s like a long weekend and it’s a meditation weekend.

Betsy [00:07:49]:
I go to the beach, I get an oceanfront room, and I sit. I don’t get on my phone, although usually I do give updates on Instagram stories because that brings me joy. But I don’t. I’m not like, on TikTok, like, I am present I’m listening for what it is that I need to hear. I might be thinking about the things that. That are causing me unhappiness or distraction or the things that might be troubling me. I’ll journal. I’ll really listen in.

Betsy [00:08:24]:
And what always happens on those weekends is I get these really wild moments of extreme clarity where I almost feel like there’s a voice. Like a voice. It’s not outside of me, but it’s in my head, but it’s so clear and not necessarily something that sounds like me. Do you know what I mean? And I’ve had these times where I’ve been on my meditation events and my own little private meditation retreats, and I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with a sound, like a quote, an idea. And I remember one time in particular. I actually went to Daytona beach, and I was staying at that Hilton right there that’s, like, you know, right on the ocean. And it was the middle of the night, and I woke up with this really great thought. And I thought, oh, that’s good.

Betsy [00:09:20]:
I’ll remember that. And then that little voice said, no, you won’t write it down. And so I did. So I was like, okay. And what it was was who we choose to be in every moment is who we get to be. I actually had to go back to my instagram way back. When was this? 2019? Yeah. April 21, 2019.

Betsy [00:09:47]:
Who we choose to be in every moment is who we get to be. I know this sounds so, like, yeah, duh. But who we choose, you get to choose how you’re being. And I know so many times, we’re like, eh, that’s just how I am. No, like, who we choose to be in every moment is who we get to be. If you want to be somebody different, you want to live a different life, you want to have new experiences, you get to choose, but it happens in that moment. So when I say moving faster, being present but choosing so that you’re moving faster towards who you want to be, in fact, you get to be it right away, even if outside circumstances don’t yet reflect it. I already am somebody that you haven’t seen yet.

Betsy [00:10:39]:
She’s just that my physical experience has got to catch up with me. But, dang, it’s good. I can’t wait for you to see. Okay, so, let’s talk about this. What am I talking about, and what is it that I want to share with you today? So, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Doctor David Hawkins. So, Doctor David Hawkins has written numerous books. There’s a really great book called letting Go, if you’ve never read that. And it’s really just about giving up resistance, you know, stopping resisting what is and accepting what is.

Betsy [00:11:10]:
And in that book, he talks about a map of consciousness. So he created this map of consciousness. In fact, he has another book that he has where he just talks about this specifically. It’s called the map of consciousness explained. I think you could read that book, but I think it would make more sense maybe if you read the other book first. But the map of consciousness explained when I read that, I mean, it’s a thick book, and a lot of times I hear people say, like, it’s dense. Do you know what I mean by that? Like, there’s a lot to me like that. It made so much sense to me.

Betsy [00:11:49]:
So inside this map of consciousness is a really, he has layers of our consciousness, and he discovered these by, and put them together using muscle testing. And then he talks about them and sort of breaks them down. In that book, basically, if I were to break down like this, this map of consciousness, it is layers of emotions from lowest to highest. So if you could think of like guilt or shame, being really low on this levels of consciousness, higher levels of consciousness would be love and joy and acceptance. And so he’s got all these different layers to this map of consciousness. I’m going to explain this to you in a second in an easier way, but I wanted to introduce this map of consciousness first. Basically, what Doctor Hawkins is saying is that people vibrate. And I’m sorry if this is getting a little woo woo, but I’m going to come back to this, okay? But people vibrate at a certain level.

Betsy [00:12:59]:
You’ve probably heard, like, what’s your emotional home? Where do you go? So somebody hurts your feelings, where do you go? Do you go to anger? Do you go to be feeling hurt? Do you go to sadness? Do you go to shame? Like, where do you go? So sort of like your emotional set point if something happens. But then where do you spend most of your day? And you’ve probably met people, you know, that are pretty pessimistic, right? They always kind of see the, I’m gonna say, like the harsh side of things. Nothing is good or bad. It just is, okay? So I don’t want you to think, obviously, we would love to be living in love and abundance, all of that, and not in shame. I think you could probably put a good or bad label on that, but I want you to stay away from it just for this experience. But the top of the scale, right? It’s going to be joy and knowledge and empowerment and freedom, love, right? Kind of in the middle is like optimism, feeling hopeful or content, even boredom, frustration, that’s sort of in the middle. And at the bottom of the scale is going to be more of that, like fear and grief and despair, feeling powerless. Okay, keep that one in mind.

Betsy [00:14:18]:
Okay. So he created this level of consciousness to kind of see where people are vibrating. Now, when I say vibrating, when I say that, what I really mean is, you know, when you walk into a room and you’re like, ooh, I can just tell everybody’s upset in the room. Do you know what I mean? Like, there’s nothing happening. You can just feel it. To me, that’s a vibration, right? There’s something, I just know it. It is a sense that we don’t talk about, right? We talk about hearing and smelling and tasting and all of those things. But that sense, right? That sense of just knowing, it’s a gut feeling.

Betsy [00:14:58]:
Like, I just have a gut feeling about stuff. I think that is our vibration. Now, where does our vibration come from? I think it comes from something unconscious. It’s from our unconscious view of the world or of our situation. So consciously I might be like, yeah, I mean, I’m having a fine day, but unconsciously, where do I go when something happens? I saw somebody post something the other day, and you’ve probably seen this, I’ve seen it a million times over the years. But it’s, if you’re walking down the hall with a cup of hot coffee and somebody hits you, what happens? Does what spills out of your cup, like coffee spills out of your cup? Is it because they hit you? It’s not because they hit you or ran into you, it’s because you had hot coffee in your cup. If you had tea in your cup, hot tea would have spilled out. So it’s not what they’re doing, it’s what you’ve got going on.

Betsy [00:15:57]:
Okay, so this idea of these levels of consciousness, and one of the things that Doctor Hawkins talks about is the idea that you can impact where you are on this level just based on you looking at it. You’ve heard me talk before about how things change when you look at them. That’s quantum, right? There are things that change just by looking at them. I’m going to give you an example. Over the past couple weeks, I talked about how I had hired this hypnotherapist and I had to get to the core issue. I had to answer a ton of questions, basically journaling questions. I went down the rabbit hole of every crappy emotion I’ve been avoiding, and I got to the core issue, and when I saw it, I was like, oh, my God, that’s it. It was like a ray of sunshine came down and blessed my body to be like, you made it through.

Betsy [00:16:59]:
You see the thing that your unconscious mind has been trying to hide from you in order to keep you safe. I told the hypnotherapist so he could give me a hypnotherapy on that. He said, it’ll take three weeks. It’s been two weeks, so I haven’t gotten it yet. I am already so different, so different because I saw it. So if that’s true and I had to go through, like, a whole dark night of the soul and a whole Kleenex box to get there, but then isn’t it true that if I pause and I ponderous my dog Henry, who’s snoring underneath my desk, and I watch him, and I look at how sweet he looks, and I listen to his little snores, or when I see him drinking out of the water, and I just watch him drink, and it’s so cute. I swear to God, if I heard my husband making sounds like that when he was eating, I would lose my ever love of mine. But when my dog does it, I’m like, it’s the sweetest thing.

Betsy [00:17:59]:
I need to video it. Just that watching that changes my vibration, too, right? And you’ve experienced that. You feel it. Like, all of a sudden, you feel, like, a little more calm, right? A little more present so you can impact where you are just by what you’re doing, who you’re being in any given moment, who you choose to be impacts who you are. Okay, so now, here’s the thing that I think I want to tell you next. Okay, so have you heard of Abraham Hicks? If you have never heard of Abraham Hicks, I want to welcome you to go down the rabbit hole. I have a couple podcast episodes that I did introducing Abraham and what this is. So if you scroll back, if you get on the way back machine and go to episode 70, I have three, no, two episodes about understanding the law of attraction.

Betsy [00:19:04]:
Now, if you’re like, ah, I don’t do that. If the woo is, like, totally counterproductive to how you think, I totally get it. If you’ve listened to my podcast for any amount of time, then you know that I can actually explain to you the brain workings, the inner workings of how your mind organizes and operates that supports the law of attraction. You know, the law of attraction is a marketing term? I think so. So if you listen to those episodes, though, I introduce the idea of Abraham Hicks. Abraham Hicks. There’s a woman named Esther who. I’m using air quotes here, but, like, channels, a group of entities called Abraham.

Betsy [00:19:51]:
Now, if this totally, like, if you’re like, oh, my God, Betsy, I’m losing you, just hang with me for a second, because even if that seems totally crazy to you, the message from Abraham is really good. The message is really positive. And the message has actually helped me see things totally different. And when I see things totally different, remember what happens is it starts to shift where I am hanging out on the map of consciousness, right? It starts to shift how I’m experiencing the world. What happens when I start to shift how I experience the world is I start reacting to things differently. When I react to things differently, what happens? I get a totally different result. Okay? So if you don’t like where the messenger is, just don’t worry about it, but like, just hang with the message. Okay? Okay.

Betsy [00:20:47]:
So Abraham Hicks has something very similar, and they call it the emotional guidance scale. Okay, so the emotional guidance scale is. Is very similar to the map of consciousness. There’s a low and a high, right? So down at the bottom, I have things like fear and grief and depression and despair and powerlessness, right? Think about if you have come here recently and you are struggling in your marriage, and you think about it all the time, where are you most of the time? Powerlessness. So many times we are in a place of powerless, what do I do? I’m stuck. So that is the very lowest on the emotional guidance scale. Now, it doesn’t mean you don’t move up and down throughout the day, but I want you to remember where we’re vibrating is from where unconsciously I think we live. And if this is why I always say to people, how is this issue, whatever your issue is, but I’m just going to use the one with your relationship.

Betsy [00:21:57]:
How is this issue with your relationship impacting your work? I ask that question for a really specific reason because I want to know how much awareness they have about how much this issue is impacting every single area of their life. And many times women will say, it’s not. I’m really able to compartmentalize. Well, remember, consciously, I absolutely know that’s true. You probably can compartmentalize, but unconsciously you can’t. You’re emotionally living somewhere. Okay? So the reason I’m asking that is just because I want to get a feel for, I want to understand where they are. And that’s a question for me, to be able to understand where they are.

Betsy [00:22:39]:
Now. I will tell you, like, nine times out of ten, when people get into, like, week four of the program and they come to group and they’re like, you know how I said that it wasn’t impacting my work? Oh, my God, I can tell. Yeah. Because one thing impacts everything. No matter how much consciously we are able. You still might be able to show up at work and be, like, a pro, but I promise you’re not doing it in the way you could be doing it if unconsciously you weren’t living in a place of powerlessness. Because you’re always thinking about your relationship and how this isn’t working and how you’ve tried so many things and how you’ve asked and how you can’t get him to do anything different and how frustrating it is. Do you get it? Okay, so this is the bottom.

Betsy [00:23:23]:
Then I move up insecurity, guilt, unworthiness. Next up is jealousy. Next up is rage. Hatred, rage. Next up, revenge. Higher than that is anger. You’re better off on this scale being angry than you are being powerless. Anger moves you.

Betsy [00:23:45]:
It moves you to take action. It moves you to getting unstuck. Right. So what’s above that? Discouragement. Above that? Blame. I want you to notice that blame is still really low on the scale. And I think it’s very much tied in with powerlessness. Because once I blame somebody, I immediately move myself to powerlessness because I’ve given them my power.

Betsy [00:24:11]:
It’s their fault. Right. Okay, let’s keep going. Hang with me here. Worry is above that, doubt, disappointment, overwhelm, frustration or impatience. Like irritation, I’m going up higher. Pessimism. Higher is boredom.

Betsy [00:24:32]:
Right. Contentment. Okay, so now I’m getting into content. The feeling of content. I love that I could live in contentment. That feels so good to me. If I can get to a place of content, I don’t want to be dropping down with worry. Right.

Betsy [00:24:47]:
And that’s where I go sometimes. I go right to, oh, what’s going to happen? I hope this where I got this problem. How do I fix it? Okay, so let’s go back. So I got contentment. Above that is hopeful. Then I’m optimistic. Above that, positive expectation, positive beliefs. Above that.

Betsy [00:25:07]:
And then above that is happiness, eagerness. Right. I always say I’m eager for more. I’m totally content. Eager for more enthusiasm. Above that is passion. And above that, love, appreciation, empowerment, joy, knowledge. So do you see how this like moves? You can move up the scale now we move up and down the scale all day, right? I mean, there’s moments where we’ll have moments where we’re worrying or maybe we doubt something, but I’m really thinking about like, where are you living, right? Where do you live most of the time? And when something goes wrong, where do you go? I know for me, when things were really struggle, when I was really struggling in my marriage, I went right down to the bottom.

Betsy [00:25:51]:
Powerlessness. I can’t get him to do anything that I want. He won’t listen to me. I can’t do anything. I can’t leave. I can’t like, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. Like, that’s where I was. So if you’re there, I promise it can be different.

Betsy [00:26:08]:
And as I start to move up, as I start to make new decisions or get new awareness, one of the very first things we teach inside the navigate method is an idea that is meant to shift people right out of that. I can shoot you out of that so fast you’ll never go back. And the reason I want to do that is because I need people higher on the scale in order to really start doing this work, right? So one of the things that happens as we look at this scale is when I’m in a place where it doesn’t feel good, that’s my sign that I’m moving in a place down the scale if it doesn’t feel good. So we have an emotional guidance system built in, right? But most of the time we sort of ignore it or we people please and go, ah, I’ll just do it, I’ll just deal with it, right? Or we sort of push it aside because we’re really busy. There’s a lot of things on our plate, the things that we need to get done. If I don’t do them, nobody’s going to do them. I’ve got to take care of it. And so knowing where I am and where I’m living on the emotional guidance skill can be really, really powerful.

Betsy [00:27:26]:
But here’s a, the big, the big kicker, okay? When you have a problem, and remember I said when women come into the program, I do the very first lesson, I teach them something that pushes them out of fear, grief, depression, despair, powerlessness. I move them out of that. Because when you are in that, even I’m going to say, even if you’re down low, hatred range, revenge, anger, when you’re in those lower places. That is nothing. A place to make decisions but listen to what I’m about to say. It’s not a place to get ideas on what to do different. This is why problems and we get feeling stuck and it’s so frustrating is because we are making and coming up with ideas from lower vibration from a lower place on the guidance scale. You know when I talk to women on the phone I actually, and so much of what I do, it’s very thought, it’s very thought out.

Betsy [00:28:37]:
I mean I know you could probably figure that but it’s very thought out. Like I don’t ask questions like there’s reasons behind every single thing that I do, truly. And one of the things that I do is I ask women to decide if they want to fix their problem when we’re on the phone because I want to call them to courage. I want to see if they can move up to a higher place on the emotional guidance scale. Like can they access that? Because if they can and they can have that moment where they’re like, okay, I’m going to trust myself. I’m going to take this leap like I’m going to bet on myself. It changes everything because now they have, they’re coming into the program already at this higher level where they can see things they’ve never seen before and they’ll be able to solve problems from a place that they never ever, ever have been able to solve before because they were living in a place that wouldn’t get the answers that they needed. If I’m trying to come up with a solution to a problem let’s say I’m at work and I have to learn how to, I have to figure out how to stack pencils.

Betsy [00:29:47]:
Okay, I’m just picking something totally silly but I got to learn how to stack pencils and there’s like 5000 pencils and I’m so pissed. I have to do it and I’m mad. My boss is making me do this and this is so stupid. What am I going to do? And so I’m just like I’m just going to stack them up. Like I’m just going to stack them up. Then as soon as you make a little stack they all roll, right? And now they’re like just flat on the floor. You’re like oh my God, I’m so mad about this. And then you move into like rage, right? You’re like this is dumb.

Betsy [00:30:14]:
And then you start like putting up like maybe your foot or your shoe to kind of hold them in place as you stack if you can stack them up high enough. But if you were in a place where you’re like, and again, this is just an example, but if you’re in a place where you’re like, I’m gonna get to do this thing that nobody’s been able to do yet, like, I get to be super creative and figure out a solution to this. Like, I have a job where I’m making money to stack pencils. Holy smokes. How cool is this? I get to be really creative. Like, I get to take a problem and figure out a whole new solution. How lucky am I? I wonder how many cool ways I could come up with this. Then all of a sudden, you’re like, oh, well, let me stack them like, sideways and sideways, like.

Betsy [00:31:00]:
Like, stack like Lincoln logs. Do you know what I mean? And now all of a sudden, they’re not rolling. And then all of a sudden, it feels really cool and really fun. And then you’re like, I could make houses. And I could make. Do you see what I mean? When you make a decision and you solve a problem from a higher level on the emotional guidance scale, it changes the outcome. It changes the trajectory, the way it feels on the way. It changes the place that you live.

Betsy [00:31:30]:
Right? Because the more that you can hold a higher vibration, the easier it’s going to be for you to acclimate to that and stay there. This is why I also teach nervous system regulation, because I want people to get to that higher scale and then train their nervous system that that is totally safe. Totally safe. Okay. So then, if you are in a place where you are, like, stuck and struggling, I want to offer you this little thing that I do, and I use this with my clients, and it helps to move you out of the place of powerlessness or despair. And it is a process that I learned years ago from my friend Andy Dooley. So Andy taught me this. And basically it’s called.

Betsy [00:32:32]:
That’s right. It’s the that’s right game. And I have played this with my husband. I play it with myself. And lately, which I told you I was going to do what I’m doing lately, and I’ll tell you, but lately I’ve been doing it, like, every day. So, basically, you get to the place where you are and you say it. I think there’s something really powerful about saying stuff out loud. But I also work from home, and I’m alone all the time, so, you know, take that for what it is.

Betsy [00:32:56]:
But I am so pissed off that I have to put these pencils in a pile. Okay. So you say the first thing and then you go, that’s right. And all you have to do is. Is feel for the next thought. That feels better. So if we are in powerlessness, so many times people think, well, you just got to get. Be happy.

Betsy [00:33:23]:
Just get to joy. Find something to be happy about. No, I don’t think that works. Like, you might be able to find something to be happy about, but it’s easier to move the thing you’re unhappy about and move yourself up the scale. So I’m pissed about these pencils. That’s right. I was given a job that I don’t want to do. That’s right.

Betsy [00:33:45]:
I have a job. That’s right. I’m lucky that I get to make money. That’s right. I love being able to pay my bills. That’s right. Paying my bills feels really good to me. That’s right.

Betsy [00:33:57]:
It allows me to do a lot of cool stuff. That’s right. It allows me to have a house that I love. That’s right. I love my house. That’s right. I can have friends over that’s right. I get to have friends over at my house.

Betsy [00:34:08]:
Do you see how I’ve used the word? The wording? That’s right. Because I want to keep my brain busy while I’m searching for the next good feeling thought. If I just pause and I don’t say anything, I’m going to start to drift. I’m going to start to think about other things. My brain stays busy when I say, that’s right. I can only have basically one thought at a time. This is how come snipers, you know, when they teach snipers to snipe, you know, when they teach them how to be snipers, they teach them to repeat a set of instructions over and over and over and over again while they’re getting ready to shoot and while they’re shooting and while they’re watching their target. The reason is because they don’t want their mind to start going to like, who is this person? I wonder if they have a family.

Betsy [00:35:08]:
Do they have kids? I wonder where they go. They don’t want that. Right. And I don’t want you to be like, drifting off into something else. So. That’s right. It’s going to keep yourself focused. Will you search for the next good feeling thought? It may be that you get stuck and you’re like, I’m kind of going around in a circle saying the same kind of thoughts, but I think you’ll start to notice there is a little bit different vibration.

Betsy [00:35:32]:
Like there’s a little bit different in how it feels. Right. And so as you keep doing this and you start practicing it, it’ll start to shift things. Okay. So now I wanted to tell you now we’re 35 minutes in. I’m gonna tell you what I’ve been doing to kind of wrap this up. So I decided that I was going to really probably about two months ago every morning I started writing out in a journal, handwriting in a journal what I was moving towards. So it’s so great this morning to wake up at my beach house knowing that I’m running back to Atlanta this afternoon and then jumping on an airplane to go speak at this most amazing resort in Colorado.

Betsy [00:36:22]:
Do you see what I mean? Like, I was just writing and I was really haphazardly, like writing anything, but it would get me to this really high vibe feeling place before I started any work, especially before I talked to anybody because I wanted and I always want to be able to show up, whether it’s my client or with somebody that’s booked a call with me to see, you know, if I can help them, if they can become a client. And so I want to be in a really high flying place because I want to be able to reflect back what they’re not seeing. Right. I want to reflect back what they’re saying to me. So I get that was really working. You know, it was really working. I did it for probably about 18 ish days, 1718 days. And then I decided I’m going to get really focused and I wanted to see if I could create a lot of, I’m using going to use this word tension.

Betsy [00:37:17]:
I wanted to create a lot of tension towards a particular event that was coming up. So I am going to California in November, as I do twice a year to meet with my coach. And I wanted to have made some huge shifts by the time I was boarding the airplane. Okay. So I started writing on September 1. I started writing every morning. That moment. The moment that I’m boarding the plane.

Betsy [00:37:51]:
And I’ll tell you, over the past 27 days, it has gotten so real. So real. I’m boarding the plane. I’m looking down. I can see my feet, my hands. I can feel my bag. I’m so excited. I can’t.

Betsy [00:38:04]:
I’m just, you know, I don’t want to go into all the things, but, like, I have made these humongous shifts over the past ten weeks. Like, it’s incredible. This has happened. This has happened. This has happened. I feel yddeh new things that I never even dreamed of. Every day, I feel so fulfilled and right alive. I am writing this every day.

Betsy [00:38:22]:
Every day is a little bit different, but it’s always me getting on the airplane, okay? It’s that moment that I want to know that I have made these shifts, because when I get on the plane, I’m like, I am so proud of you. You did it right. Okay. So as I start doing this, I start doing this work. I’m writing the past two months, I’ve been writing and then writing over this past month on this particular thing. I’m getting in this really high vibe place, and then I’m writing several things to start my day that I really appreciate. Now, I’m not writing. Like, I appreciate that I have.

Betsy [00:39:01]:
Like, it’s. I’m trying. I’m finding the subtle things. The other morning, I was sitting outside in my bathrobe, and I was sweating because it was hot out still in Atlanta. And honestly, I’m ready for it to be cool. But instead, I wrote because this was true. I noticed I was starting to sweat. I’m like, dang it, it’s like October or September.

Betsy [00:39:21]:
But I thought, how cool that my body sweats to cool me down. Like, I have a built in system to keep my body temperature correct. How cool is that? Like, that’s pretty badass, right? And so I try and notice these really subtle things. Now, remember way back at the beginning when I started this episode, I talked about when you notice things, they start to shift. So now I’m creating my own shifts by noticing the things that would have gone undetected. And now it’s like, just I notice stuff all the time where I’m like, oh, that’s a really cool shade of blue for that marker. So appreciation. Now, where’s appreciation on the scale? It’s pretty darn high.

Betsy [00:40:08]:
It’s all the way at the top, actually. It’s number one. Love, appreciation, freedom. So I’m getting myself there throughout the day. Now, have all the things that I wanted to. Well, actually, a lot of them have started happening. But have all of them? No, not yet, but they are. They will absolutely.

Betsy [00:40:25]:
I don’t even have a doubt. I can tell you with certainty, absolute certainty that that day that I walk onto that airplane, I will absolutely have all those things. And I will feel the way that I want to feel, and I will know without a doubt that I created that. Because I’m making decisions from this really high vibe place. I’m only operating from there. And if I’m in a low vibe place, then I’m like, stop what you’re doing. Stop. Go do something else.

Betsy [00:40:51]:
Go for a little walk. Take a little nap. Go get yourself a apple juice. Do you know what I’m saying? Like, get to a place where you feel really good. Last month, I actually bought uncrustables. Do you know what those are? It’s like the world’s greatest peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Do you know what they are in the freezer section? I freaking love those things. Now can I eat them every day? No.

Betsy [00:41:15]:
I mean, I’d probably get sick of them, but something about them I love. So if I’m. I have used them to move up the guidance scale. I’m gonna go get me a little uncrustable from the freezer, and then I pull it out and I give myself 15 minutes. I have eaten them half frozen, and they’re actually good half frozen, too, but that’s neither here nor there. So I’m moving up the scale. Now, what else has happened is I started getting totally new ideas. The idea of hiring Joseph to do my hypnosis, I want you to know, and you’ve probably heard me talk about this, I have used his app for years.

Betsy [00:41:50]:
Almost every day for years. I have been friends with him on Facebook because we went through a program together in 2019. That’s five years ago. Have I ever thought of hiring him? No. I never even thought about it. Now, why did I think about it now? Because I was in alignment with him. Because I moved to a place where that seemed like the next obvious right choice. It became important because I could see how he could move me to a place that I needed to go.

Betsy [00:42:22]:
But I couldn’t have seen it before because I wasn’t ready to move to that place. I had to really put in the mindset. Work. Now, is this taking me hours every morning? No. It takes me like 15 minutes. Takes me five minutes. It takes me way less time than it takes for me to ponder how pissed I am about stuff of. So I wanted to offer this to you as a thought and go look up the emotional guidance scale, if that sounds fun to you.

Betsy [00:42:54]:
We’re actually doing some deep dives into that. Inside my. I have a well inside the navigate method. When you’re done, if you want to come into a little circle with me, then. But this is one of the things I’m diving deep, deep into next month. Because there are ways, there are loads of ways to actually create change in this. But if this is something that you’re interested in, this process, and if by all means, if you’re feeling like, oh, my God, this is the thing. I need to move to this to fix my relationship.

Betsy [00:43:26]:
And by fix, it might not be heal it, it might be healing yourself so that you know exactly what you want. And then it becomes really obvious if he can meet you there, if you’re vibrationally in the same place, sometimes people will be in group and they’ll say like, I’m fine. And so then he says something, and then I feel like, ugh. So again, if you think of somebody on a vibrational scale that’s lower, you’re higher. Are you allowing them to pull you down, or are you holding yourself at this higher place so that they are forced to rise or they’ll just wander off. Do you see what I mean? So making decisions from this high vibe place, this place of feeling optimism, hopeful contentment, positive eagerness for what’s next is the place you want to live. And then, and I will wrap it up, I promise. But then.

Betsy [00:44:26]:
Then your goals, it’s not about going after your goals. It’s about living in the place you want to live. And so then when you’re an old lady in bed about to die, you will say, about to transition. Let’s say it that way. About to transition. You will say, I freaking did it. I lived. I took every moment, and I moved into such a higher place.

Betsy [00:44:49]:
I savored every moment. I lived all the life that was there. I wasn’t worried about stuff in the past, and I wasn’t too worried about what was happening in the future. I was there, and I took action. Who I chose to be in every moment is who I became. And that, I think, is how you live a big life. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend. Tag me on social media.

Betsy [00:45:16]:
Everybody that’s left a review. I freaking love that. Thank you. It makes me want to jump up and click my heels together. It brings me right up to appreciation. So move up to appreciation by leaving me a review of appreciation, and we could be there together. So thank you so much. I love you so much.

Betsy [00:45:34]:
I hope you have an incredible week, and I will see you next week. Bye bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show, and thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen.

Betsy [00:46:03]:
Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media. I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on TikTok. It’s just my name, Betsy Pake. And that’s my website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me, just shoot me a DM. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram, and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening, and I will see you all next week.

On todays podcast Betsy examines the question: ” Are you doing everything in your power to make this happen?”

Transcript:

Betsy [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the Art of Living Big podcast. My name is Betsy Pake. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, good morning. Welcome to the art of Living Big.

Betsy [00:00:36]:
I have an idea that I want to share with you. This thought that’s been rolling around in my head, and so I want to dive into that. First, let me give you an update, because if you listened last week, I talked about visibility and how I’ve been doing some things and how I hired Joseph the hypnotherapist this weekend. I went through this massive deep dive into uncovering the core issue. I’m laughing because, you know, sometimes I hear people talk about ayahuasca journeys. They go on this like ayahuasca journey or they have this plant medicine thing, and I have a lot of thoughts about that. But I hear people talk about that and they’re like, it was a dark night of the soul, or I met my. Yeah, I did all that without.

Betsy [00:01:26]:
I did all of that without any plant medicine. I went through it. I went through it this weekend. It was actually so hard and so good. And, you know, I went through this core to really get to the core issue, like what is really, you know, we have a lot of symptoms about things, and I had a lot of symptoms like having some fear about showing up or feeling really sensitive if people said things or a lot of things that I don’t even want to get into. But, but those are all symptoms of some sort of belief or value deep down. And so I really went through the process of figuring that out, and it was excruciating. I say that.

Betsy [00:02:12]:
I mean that. I really mean that. I don’t even know how much I slept on Friday night. It was more like napping in between, like a lot of memories of awful things and processing and moving through stuff. But, you know, I say this all the time, and I say this to the women that are inside the navigate method or that have done any programs with me, like, looking at this stuff is not for the week. You know, really moving past the things that are holding you in place is. Although when you get to the other side, it’s really incredible. It is not easy work.

Betsy [00:02:50]:
It was hard for me on Friday night to not pick up my phone and distract myself for a minute. Let me just go online and check in and see what’s going on or turn on the tv or I need a break from this. I really sat in. The uncomfortableness was really profound for me. So I share that because I think sometimes we think the things that are holding us in place are out of our reach, or it’s just too hard, or I don’t even know how I would do that. And there is a path. There is a way to do this work. And I’ve talked about it on the show, so, you know, keep listening.

Betsy [00:03:34]:
Go back to old episodes. But I think being able to really get clear on the things that are holding you back because, and I truly believe this. And although I think this might be kind of like I’m using air quotes like a little woo woo idea, the idea that nothing is in the way. Nothing is in the way until we start layering all of our thoughts and beliefs and creating our reality around things that are in the way. You know, when we’re babies, we ask for what we want, we cry. When we’re unhappy, we yell for food, we do whatever it is that we need to do to get what we need. And then something happens as we get older and as we learn and as we go through our social constructs and learn the way of the world and honestly create our reality. And I’ve talked about this on the show so often, but I want to just touch on it again, is that our reality absolutely is created when we’re young, for the most part, by the beliefs and values that we are shown and handed down from those people around us.

Betsy [00:04:49]:
And I have said this, I said this on the show, like years and years and years ago, when Kylie Jenner, like that Forbes article came out that said she was a billionaire, and when that came out, which I think since they’ve said that wasn’t true, she isn’t a billionaire. But anyway, that doesn’t matter. The idea was that I thought that she must think so differently about what’s available to her, about what’s normal, right. About everything, about everything than I do, right, because of her experience. And I think that’s pretty easy to say. Like, if somebody, if you’re Prince William, you probably have a different life experience than me as Betsy Pakin. So you think differently. That makes sense, right? But when we bring that down to you’ve created your reality, people get a little like, I don’t know about that, but absolutely, the way that we think and the things that we expect start to alter what our unconscious mind shows us as available to us.

Betsy [00:05:54]:
And when we start to change that honing mechanism, right. When we start to change what we think is possible, our unconscious mind picks up on new clues that have probably been there all along. So on Friday night, when I was doing that work, trying to get to the core issue, I was trying to get to the core issue simply so I could do a hypnosis with Joseph on that core issue, right. Because we want to not work on the symptoms. We want to really get to the heart of what’s going on. Just seeing it was so profound for me. Going through that experience of really getting to it was, honestly, it already has changed things. I’m noticing that I’m thinking things differently.

Betsy [00:06:41]:
This morning I had a thought where I was like, oh, my God, that’s a totally new thought. And so obvious. How come I’ve never thought that before? Like a next step or a next thing? So I wanted to kind of give you an update. So that’s where I am. I haven’t had the hypnosis yet with Joseph, so I’m super curious how that pans out. But I did get to the core issue, and I know I got it. Like, I know, I know, I know that I got it. And it was so simple and so profound that it was surprising to me.

Betsy [00:07:11]:
I had never seen it before. But that’s what our unconscious mind does, right? Is it tries to hide it because it is using it as a protective mechanism. And it worked really well for me when I was young. And now not so much, which kind of brings me to the thought that I wanted to share with you today. So I saw this quote as you know, because I feel like every week I’m like, I saw this quote. Every time I see something, I’m like, mmm. Is that true for me? What do I think about that? So. So this is the quote.

Betsy [00:07:43]:
Well, let me frame it this way. You know, we all have you, we all have goals, ideas of things we want to have or do or be in our lives, things we want to experience. And I started really noticing that I was cutting myself off mentally, really quickly. When I would see particular people online, whether I knew them or not, like, or knew of them, like, if I would just see a post and they would be doing something that most of the time it was something I wanted to do, I would immediately get this feeling of that’s not available to me and I would, like, move past them, like, I wouldn’t want to think about it. And I started noticing this after I removed, after I recognized the core issue. I started really noticing this, like, what is going on? Why do I dismiss myself like, that’s really fascinating. Why am I dismissing myself on that or on this or on that? And I think sometimes we think this is sort of a clue, like, well, good for them. That’s nice for them.

Betsy [00:08:52]:
Like, must be nice. That must be nice. It’s not available to me, is really what that’s saying. Well, it must be nice to have the beach house, or it must be nice to have the private plane or whatever it is that’s your thing. I don’t know. But that is an indication that you think it’s not available to you because you’re looking over there and saying, must be nice to be you. It’s not me. So I started noticing that I was feeling this.

Betsy [00:09:24]:
I wasn’t necessarily articulating it in my head, like, must be nice, but I could feel it. And so anytime I’m feeling something, I’m like, okay, that’s there. I need to pay attention to that. It’s an internal guidance system. Right. Our feelings. And so I noticed this kind of pattern over the weekend, and I was like, wow, that’s super interesting. And then I saw this quote, and it said, are you doing everything in your power to make this happen? Are you doing everything in your power to make this happen? Now, what’s this? This is whatever this is for you.

Betsy [00:10:03]:
So what are the things, first of all, what are the things that you really want? And you might have some ideas that come right into your mind right off when I say that, like, right off, I know I want this, but I’m. But pause with that, does it feel attainable, or does it feel like that’s something I want that feels just outside my reach, or like, I’ll probably never get there, but it is something that would be nice, right? Or is there something that you would like that you know you’d never get? Like, God, that would be awesome. But that’s not. I’ll probably never have that. And I want you to really think about, what are the things? What is your this? What is your this? And again, the question is, are you doing everything in your power to make this happen? So whatever your this is, are you actually doing everything in your power to get it? And when I say get it, I’m not saying hustle for it, move into it, like, work hard for it. That might feel good to you. To work hard. I’m not saying don’t do that if that feels good to you, but I think we believe that the work is striving to get to it.

Betsy [00:11:26]:
And I want to offer the thought that maybe the work is striving to release whatever is keeping you from it in the first place. There are things that I want. There are goals that I have just like you. Some are really big, some are small. Some are things that I want that I actually know could be available, but I feel scared about them, or I just. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me nervous. And so I know that there’s something I’ve got to release.

Betsy [00:12:00]:
This is why I started doing this work with Joseph, right? And going through, finding out what is the thing that’s holding me back, you know? So define what your this is. So it might be some things that are happening that you could make happen by the end of the year. Things you want to experience, maybe a way that you want to be. Maybe it’s how you want to be with your partner, right? Maybe it’s how you want to show up in your partnership. Maybe it’s something with work. Maybe it’s starting a side gig. Maybe it’s going and experiencing a seminar or learning experience that you want to go. Maybe it’s going to a concert in Europe.

Betsy [00:12:45]:
Like, maybe it’s anything. Whatever it is that you want to do, be, or have. So define what your this is. And then when I was thinking about it, I was like, okay, I have my this is. And some of my this is were like, more of a feeling that I didn’t even allow myself to formulate. I didn’t allow myself to put it into words because it felt out of reach. And honestly, that’s something I do. Maybe it’s something you do, too, where I’m like, if it feels too big, I don’t even wanna.

Betsy [00:13:17]:
I don’t even wanna look at it. Cause then it’s just like, one more thing I can’t have, right? And even as I say that, I know that’s absolutely not true. Now. Now I’m gonna pause because you might be like, well, yeah, I’m never gonna be an Olympic gymnast. And maybe that’s something I really wanted. I’m gonna use that because it’s a far out example just to get to this point. Okay, so if you’ve got something, you’re like, yeah, but I always wanted this, and now I’ll never have it because I’ll never be an NBA basketball player because I’m 55 years old. Right.

Betsy [00:13:56]:
Whatever it is, what is the feeling that that was giving you? And if you didn’t move away from the thought when it became, like, a hot potato what is it about that thing that you really wanted? What is it about being an Olympic gymnast that really felt good to you? And it might be felt, the idea of me feeling really in control of my body feels good. Maybe it’s competing at a really high level. Maybe it’s being the best at something, right? Maybe it’s being celebrated. Then I would say, take those things, because the experience of being the Olympic athlete would give you those. But that’s not the only place that would give you those. And so find out. Hone in on what it is that is really your thing, and what’s the feeling attached to it? And you can say your that is the feeling until the idea of how to get that feeling comes into your awareness. So don’t opt out by saying, well, it’s this random thing that now I can never have.

Betsy [00:15:17]:
Like my, my, that is to be 22 and now I’m 55 or whatever. Doesn’t matter. I want you to get to the feeling. Okay. All right, so we’ve got the. That, right? Are you doing everything in your power to make this happen? You’ve got your this. You’re this. You’re this or that.

Betsy [00:15:36]:
Okay, so now I wanna talk about what is everything in my power? Like, what does that actually mean? Everything in my power. And going back to the idea that sometimes it’s not about doing more of the things to bring it to you, but it’s doing things to stop the restriction. So when I think about what’s in my power, I think there’s two things. I think there’s things that are in my awareness right now, and there’s things outside of my awareness. Both of those are within my power, whether I’m conscious of it or not. So I think when we explore everything in your power, there’s nuances to it, right? There’s complexities of what it really means to do everything, and to do everything in your capability to achieve what it is that you want. And I want to say that part again in your capacity. What’s in your experience right now? You know, I talk all the time about living big, and if you’re new here, what I mean by that is doing the most you can do with what’s available to you right now.

Betsy [00:16:51]:
You know, years ago, and if you’ve been here for a long time, I’m sorry, because you’ve probably heard this story before, but I’ll make it short. Years ago, like twelve years ago, probably. I really wanted to be a speaker. Okay? I wanted to be a keynote speaker. It was something that I was like, I really wanted that. That was my. That, right? And my daughter was sick, and I couldn’t. It just, I was trying to pitch myself places.

Betsy [00:17:19]:
I didn’t have money to get a coach to help me to understand how to even really do that properly. And I had this message, right, and I was trying to figure out what was next and how to do it, and I just, I felt like I was failing, and it didn’t make any sense for me to get some sort of keynote where I had to fly somewhere and I didn’t know what was going on with my daughter. Like, it all just didn’t work. And so I really got honed in on the feeling, and the feeling was that I have a lot of thoughts, and I wanted to inspire people, right? I wanted to change the way people experienced things. It must have been about ten years ago, because what I decided to do one day, I was just driving past a panera bread, and I saw the panera bread, and in that moment, I thought I should call them and just see if I can host an event, like every other week or every month where I speak. And so I called. I remember calling from my car, and as I drove by, and I was just like, hey, can I use, they have, like, a space where you could shut the doors. Can I use that space? They were like, yeah, absolutely.

Betsy [00:18:25]:
Because to them, people would come in and buy breakfast or coffee or whatever. And so I put it on meetup, and people started coming. People came, and I did it for a long time. And I was the speaker. I just said, come listen to an inspirational speaker. I didn’t tell them it was going to be me every month, but then they would come and. And after that is really how I decided to start the podcast. Right.

Betsy [00:18:48]:
Eight years ago, started the podcast. So I share this, because sometimes we can only do what we can do. So living big is living in the getting as big as you can in the spot that you’re at. So I think when we define everything in your power, we can’t ignore real life and perhaps some limitations and capacity that you have right now, but that gives us an opportunity to be really creative. And what that did for me was it created space for me to get really good at speaking and practicing and putting together speeches and having the podcast, right? And then later on, you know, years later, I went on to make, you know, 10,000 plus on speaking engagements. So, absolutely, we can start someplace with the intention that we’re learning and becoming more. Also, I think that when we look at this, we’ve really got to look at what are my resources? You know, everything in my power at that time. I couldn’t go hire a coach for $50,000 a year.

Betsy [00:20:05]:
Like, that wasn’t what I was gonna do. It just wasn’t within, my, gosh, $5,000 a year wasn’t in my capacity at that time. But it didn’t matter because I wanted it. And so I figured out other ways. I found podcasts and books and blog posts. If you go back to episode, maybe it’s like 50, 51, something like that. There is one where I talk about my love of Sarah Blakely and about how I started having mentors. That’s when I started having mentors, because I couldn’t.

Betsy [00:20:39]:
There were limitations in my resources. But we can’t get mad at everybody else because we’ve got these limitations. We’ve got to. We can’t hot potato it. We’ve got to look at it and say, this is giving me an opportunity. You know, anytime when I’m coaching someone and they come to me and they’re like, this is my problem. I always want to rephrase it, right? Is it a problem or is it a challenge? Is it a challenge or is it an opportunity? And when you can get to seeing it as an opportunity, it gives you space to be creative. It gives you space to learn some skills that maybe you need to get where you want to go.

Betsy [00:21:20]:
So also, when I think about everything in my power, I think about overcoming fear and self doubt, because those are things that are very much in our power. And sometimes when we have fear or we have self doubt, and that feeling comes, that feels bad, we opt out, right? We say, well, I’m not going to look at that. That feels bad. That feels hard. That must not be the place. And so when I think about everything in our power, I think about really defining these things for myself. And you’re the only one that knows. And I always think, like, we, you might say, no, no, I’m not doing that.

Betsy [00:22:01]:
But, like, deep down, I know. My coach said to me recently, she asked me something, and she was like, do you think that’s a possibility? You’re doing that? And I was like, no, but in the little back of my head, I was like, oh, no, I’m totally doing that. I’m totally doing that. I think I messaged later. Voxer dura I was like, oh, yeah, okay, so remember when I said no, like, I am. That is something I’m doing. And when we really listen in, when we can really listen and we know what’s the truth for us, right? So when I think of this, are we doing everything in our power to make this happen? Once I move past those things then I can say what are the actions? What are the actions I’d really need to take or could take or would feel fun to take, right? So I have been exploring this myself. Like what are the actions? Like I have some goals, right, for some new people that I want to bring in to the navigate method.

Betsy [00:22:58]:
I know what this woman is like. I can picture her, I already love her. I sit and think about her in the morning and I’m like, I just know she’s going to find me or maybe she’s found me but she hasn’t reached out yet and she is the perfect person and I am going to know as soon as I talk to her and I am going to help her, she is going to have a whole new experience and a whole new life and she’s going to look back at those ten weeks in the navigate method and be like that. That’s the thing, that’s the thing that changed my whole experience. And so when I get in that space in the morning then, then and only then do I say what are the actions that I need to take? What are the things I need to do? And I thought this week I was like, you know what, I could do a special event where I teach a little something, right? Because then they would meet me and they’d get to know how I teach and I have my masterclass. If you’re new here and you wanna watch my masterclass you can just go to betsypake.com and it’s right there in the front, on the front page link to it. But what if I did something a little different, right? Cause that felt fun. Because it felt fun.

Betsy [00:24:11]:
Like what if I posted some more creative stuff, like what if I really let them see more of who I am and how I show up? What kind the real, and I say this, I hope people in the navigate method, I hope that this is how you feel too. Cause I love the women in the program and I feel like we have a special bond, you know? And so how do I move that into a space where people understand that and only the right people will be attracted to that, right? Only the right people. When you are truly authentic and showing up as authentically you, no matter what youre a this is, the things will start to be drawn to you. That’s just how it works. And so when I look, are you doing everything in your power to make this happen, I want to offer you the idea that sitting with this concept, getting clear on what it is you want, what it is you want that you’re not allowing yourself to see and understanding what’s keeping you from it is going to start to propel you forward to a place where you can sit in the real, true being of it. Right. That feeling of this has already happened. This feels so good.

Betsy [00:25:33]:
Hold that feeling as long as you can and make all of your decisions from that place. Not from the place of constriction, not from the place of feeling conflict, but from the place of this feels so good. And this is how I live a big life. All right, I love you guys so much. Have an amazing week. I’ll talk to you next week. Bye bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show, and thank you for sharing the show with your friends.

Betsy [00:26:09]:
I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media. I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on TikTok. It’s just my name, Betsy Pake.

Betsy [00:26:36]:
And that’s my. My website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me, just shoot me a DM. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram, and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening, and I will see you all next week.

In this episode of The Art of Living Big, host Betsy Pake reflects on the podcast’s 8th anniversary and her journey towards personal and professional growth. She discusses her struggles with visibility and the unconscious patterns that have held her back, despite her desire to share her message more broadly. Betsy emphasizes the importance of understanding and reprogramming these unconscious thoughts, often through methods like hypnosis and coaching. She shares her strategies for overcoming these barriers, including working with top mindset coaches and utilizing hypnosis apps. The episode highlights the notion that life moves in the direction of our strongest thoughts, whether conscious or unconscious, and encourages you to address their own limiting patterns.

Transcription:

Welcome to the Art of Living Big podcast. My name is Betsy Pake . I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hello. Welcome to the art of Living big.

Betsy [00:00:35]:
Today, today marks our 8th anniversary. So I have been doing this show for eight years now. If you’ve been here for a little while or maybe been here for the whole while, then, you know, I have not been like the most consistent over this past year as life has gotten really crazy. And in fact, I’m going to talk about that just a little bit. But we are, we are back on track and we are starting our 8th year, which is so wild to me. It’s funny because when I look back at when I started the very, you know, recorded those very first episodes, I was living in my old house, which if you’ve been here for a little while, you’ll remember I lived in that house in the suburbs. And then we sold it. We moved to an apartment, which I thought we would live in for like a year.

Betsy [00:01:22]:
And it ended up being like two and a half years before we found our house and moved into our house. So three different locations I have lived since that. And it feels like, oh, God, like I just another lifetime ago. At that time, I don’t think it had been very long since I had sold my crossfit gym. So I had just sold the gym, which was really kind of traumatic for lots of reasons. And I was in a space where I was like, I know that there’s something more for me, right? Something new, something more. And how. How do I do that? And if you recall, I started out the podcast by only interviewing people.

Betsy [00:02:02]:
I think it was maybe like, I want to say like my 1st 47 episodes maybe where I just interviewed people and I knew that I had a message, but it was like I had to warm up to the idea that it was okay to share my message and not just, not just like propel other people’s messages forward. Right? I could do both. Now I do both. But when I look back at that time, it was very much like a. I’m a little afraid. I’m a little afraid to show up, which is why today’s episode sort of feels so full circle for me. And I want to dive in and talk about this just a little bit. But, you know, over the past year since, I have been less consistent, honestly, if I’m being honest here on the show, because I’ve been so incredibly busy, and I don’t say busy as like a badge of honor.

Betsy [00:02:58]:
I was overwhelmed in a lot of ways. I had so many things going on that I really had to be able to say, say no to things, which in a lot of ways was a new thing for me. You know, people would ask me to come on summits or to be on their podcast or whatever, and I was like, if I can’t take care of my own stuff, then I can’t do more stuff I can’t add. And one of my very top priorities was making sure that I was taking care of myself, right. And I think that we do this a lot where we get a really busy or in a good way. Like, it was all good busy. Like, I am not complaining about it. Bring it on.

Betsy [00:03:39]:
But we. We then put all of our own stuff aside, right? We’re like, well, I don’t need as much sleep, or I don’t need to worry about that, or I don’t have to get together with friends. I’ll just work that night. And there was little parts where I noticed I was starting to do that, and I had to be really careful so that I created space for myself. So, like, as I look back over the last year, there has been probably more growth for me in the past year than ever in my life. There has been so many new things than ever in my life, and it’s been really, really incredible. And it’s also done something that I want to talk about. So when I started this podcast, for the first, like, 50 ish episodes, I only interviewed other people.

Betsy [00:04:28]:
There was a fear, I think maybe an underlying fear of being seen, right? Of visibility. And you might have that, too, in your life, where maybe it’s not that you have a podcast, although maybe it is, but it may be that I want to put myself out there or I want to build my business. Maybe you have a brick and mortar business, or maybe you have an online business like I do. I’ve had both. And I have seen this pattern, which was totally unconscious to me, I’m going to point out, and now it’s conscious. But I have had this pattern where the amount of visibility that I get, whether it’s in my local community or online, starts to make me shrink a little bit. And I’ve talked about this on the podcast over the years. I’ll call it, like a vulnerability hangover, which I think is maybe a Brene Brown coined phrase.

Betsy [00:05:19]:
But I would do a podcast, even. And then the next day I would feel like. Like, oh, did I share too much? Did I tell too much? Which I don’t think that’s true, but that’s what my brain was doing, right? My brain. I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of the night to go in and unschedule a podcast, only to wake up and get going in the day and then be like, there was no reason for me to unschedule this and then post it live, you know? So sometimes if you don’t get a podcast till noon, historically, that might have been why, which was always a. I think I sort of dismissed it or ignored it or thought, I don’t know. You know, who knows? Who knows? And I don’t think this is an unusual thing, but I do think it’s interesting to me because one of the things that I do is I make the unconscious conscious. That’s one of the things that I do with clients. I can’t tell you every single day when I work with clients, they’re like, oh, my God.

Betsy [00:06:29]:
I didn’t even realize that. Like, holy smokes. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. But it’s really hard to do that for yourself. Which is why I have a coach of my own, many coaches. In fact, I’m going to tell you about what I’m doing. But many coaches, I spend an extraordinary amount of money every year on coaching because I truly believe that it’s that important, and I believe that my message is really important. And so in order to support me, to get my message out, then I need to hire that support.

Betsy [00:07:07]:
This is why it’s been really interesting to me, because now as I look back, I’m like, it was so obvious. Even when I had the brick and mortar business, it was obvious that there was a visibility, I’m gonna say, issue, but a sensitivity, let’s say a sensitivity where if I felt like too many people were seeing me or there was too much exposure, the risk of being misunderstood for me was really debilitating. And, you know, with all of us, these patterns like that, that pattern of limiting myself, if I felt like I was being too visible, that was absolutely a safety mechanism. Like, my brain thinks it’s helping me. It thinks that it is doing the absolute right thing. It doesn’t understand or know that consciously. I really want to be seen. Consciously.

Betsy [00:08:06]:
I really want my message getting out there. The work that we do inside the navigate method it changes people’s lives forever. I know this to the tips of my toes, and I will say one of the ways that I also know this for sure is that we just launched, if people go through the navigate method, we launched a secondary program for them just to stay in, to be able to continue to get support. And people are signing up for that like crazy. So I know that the navigate method changed their lives because otherwise they wouldn’t entertain doing more work with us. Right. So even though I know that consciously and in my bones, like unconsciously, I know that too, my unconscious mind thinks I that it’s helping me by limiting my visibility so that I don’t get misunderstood, overexposed, whatever it is. So all of these patterns tend to go back to when we were young.

Betsy [00:09:11]:
You know, when I was young, it was really important that I protect myself from being misunderstood. And you’ve probably heard me talk about this before, but, you know, after my mom died and my dad got remarried and I felt constantly misunderstood. And that was dangerous for me at that time in my life. And it wasn’t until I became an adult and could make my own decisions and could like, sort of unhook from that experience that I was able to start to create new patterns and support myself in new ways. But that old, like, string of you could be misunderstood. Like, that’s the core root. And it took me a lot of work to get to this core root, but when I got this, this fear of being misunderstood, because that could be dangerous. So my brain is working really hard to help me stay hidden, which is the exact opposite of what my conscious mind wants to do, right.

Betsy [00:10:13]:
And we do this in different areas of our life. I really was getting to the point where I was noticing I didn’t want to post on social media, which if you know me or you’ve been here for a long time, if you’ve been here for a long time, you know me, right? And that’s not really what I want. It’s not really my personality, but there’s something in my brain that says that is a level of safety that I have to continue. And so when I really started noticing my actions. So here’s what I want to offer you as we kind of finish talking about this. But I know what’s going on in my unconscious mind when I look at my actions. I don’t have to necessarily examine, like, I don’t have to what’s happened, like, I don’t have to. But if I look at my actions and my actions are not what I want then there’s something unconscious that’s stopping me.

Betsy [00:11:09]:
There’s something unconscious that’s keeping me in this pattern. It thinks this is helpful. And so I realized I wasn’t wanting to post online or I was only posting, like, to my feed. I’m good about my stories. I like my stories. Feels a little safer. Maybe they disappear after 24 hours, right? That could be it, perhaps. But also, there’s a lot more visibility if I post on my feed, right? There is a possibility that millions of people can see something that I post on my feed, but chances are it’s just a couple thousand people that see something on my stories.

Betsy [00:11:43]:
So it’s a way to keep myself small. And so when I noticed I didn’t want to post on my feed and I even talked to a girlfriend about this and she was like, post, post right now. And I was like, I feel physically like I can’t. And here’s how that fear starts to show up for me. And I want to offer this because you may have something like this in your life, too, but that showed up as confusion. And I’ve noticed this historically in my life. If something feels too risky to me, I am. I’m so smart.

Betsy [00:12:18]:
It’s not that I’m not smart enough, but it will show up as confusion because then I don’t trust myself and I don’t take action. So confusion’s really effective for me, for my brain to keep me stuck right where I am. And so when I noticed this pattern by noticing my actions where I was like, I’m doing this thing and I don’t really understand why. And so I knew I had to do something different, so I decided that this was something I was really going to take a hold of. And so I have a mindset coach that I work with a couple times a month, one on one, and I worked with her through it, I also have some other support through a group that I’m in, and I reached out to that mindset coach. Now, these mindset coaches that I have are literally some of the best in the world. And I don’t say that lightly. I’m saying that with absolute truth.

Betsy [00:13:17]:
These were the very top mindset coaches for Tony Robbins for years and years and years and years and years. Like, these are really high level and they helped me so much, and I realized that I needed to reprogram. So we really got to the heart of it, what I needed to reprogram. Now, you may have heard me talk on here before about, well, I’m a big fan of hypnosis I find hypnosis works really well for me. I have loved historically this app by my friend Joseph Klof that if you are in the app store on your iPhone and you type in hypnosis, I think it’s the first app that shows up. It’s got a j and a c on the little graphic, right? So it’s a white background and a blue JC. So Joseph is really an amazing hypnotherapist. And we went through a program together many, many, many years ago, and I think he’s just incredible.

Betsy [00:14:19]:
I find he. I think he lives in California now, but he’s got like a british accent or irish or something. I’m sorry. Somebody will listen to it and they’ll know exactly what it is. Let me know. I should message him on Facebook and ask, but I have used his app and I really love it. His app is free, but there’s also a paid version, and the paid version is not very expensive. I mean, I want to say it’s like $29 a year.

Betsy [00:14:43]:
And when you get the paid option, there is a little toggle that you can shift when you’re doing a hypnosis to put it on night. So if you’re doing through a hypnosis in the day, you just do it regular. But if you’re going to bed, you do it on night. And then instead of at the end, instead of like, 54321, wake up, you’re wide awake, well aware. Instead of that, it’s like, it lulls you off to sleep and you, I swear, like, it’s the best sleep of my, of my entire existence. And I find myself really craving doing his hypnosis. It’s not like, oh, I gotta do that. You know how sometimes we have things where we’re like, oh, I need to do that.

Betsy [00:15:24]:
I should probably be like, no. Like, I really like it. And sometimes I do them twice a day. Like, I really, really like them. I enjoy them. So anyway, I reached out to him and I was like, I need help. I gotta fix this thing. And so he is creating some custom hypnosis for me.

Betsy [00:15:39]:
So if you’ve been here for a long time, let’s. It’ll be, watch me, see what happens. I’m curious if you notice, I start showing up differently. He said it’s gonna take him a couple weeks to get it done, and then, you know, I’ll have to listen. I think I’ll probably start to notice a shift right away, but probably a couple weeks doing it every single day will get me where I need to go. But I think that this is going to be, like, a really big, big, huge shift for me. And if nothing else, a huge relief, because there’s pain behind that. You know, there’s suffering and remembering of really, really hard things that’s happening unconsciously in my mind every day that’s keeping me in a place out of unconscious fear.

Betsy [00:16:28]:
So how cool will it be to be able to eliminate that once and for all and to just feel really, really good? So now we’re, like, 16 minutes in, and I haven’t even really gotten to what I wanted to talk about, but that was. That still may be helpful to you. So here’s a quote that I saw that I kind of wanted to just talk about and just riff about this quote. So I saw this quote the other day, and I actually wrote it down. So the quote is, life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thought. And now that I’m reading that out loud to you, it’s kind of fascinating how our unconscious minds work. But my story I just told you, feeds right into this. Life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thought.

Betsy [00:17:13]:
When I read this, I was like, it’s not necessarily your strongest conscious thought, it’s your strongest unconscious thought. Right. Because my life is moving in a direction. Absolutely. There’s a conscious component to it, but I was stopping myself from where I really wanted to go. And, you know, I think we do this. This is a human thing to do. It means our brains are working really well.

Betsy [00:17:40]:
We create patterns and habits to support us. And so there may be times where early on, let’s just say in a relationship that you had early on, something happened and you needed to emotionally protect yourself. Whether that protection was conscious or unconscious, you created a pattern in order to protect yourself. So here’s what this looks like in real life. So you’re in the kitchen, and you see that your husband has left his cups on the countertop, like, just mere inches from the opening to the dishwasher, but hasn’t put them in. And you feel this, like, rage, right, where you feel so mad. And so if you looked at just that instance, like, if you just looked at that the cups are on the countertop, does the amount of emotion you feel about it match the actual instance, separating the instance from everything else going on in your life, right. Or anything that’s ever happened? Probably not, right? It’s probably the rage that you have probably doesn’t match.

Betsy [00:19:04]:
We see this all the time, like with road rage. Right? Somebody cuts you off, and you, like, lose your mind, you go bananas. But it’s not because they just like waded into your lane. It’s because it gave a exhaust valve like a steam release for all the anger that you’ve ever felt about anytime anybody’s cut you off or anything you ever felt about somebody that didn’t take you into account, or anytime that somebody didn’t see you for who you were, or anytime somebody dismissed you, right? And then all of a sudden that becomes like the release valve. It makes a lot of sense. Like, we’ve got to have a place for this, and we don’t have, typically, we don’t have a way to expel stress in the moment when it happens. Like we see animals, right? Something happens. They opossums walking down the pathway and a fox comes up.

Betsy [00:20:02]:
The opossum immediately plays dead. The snot, the fox sniffs around and then walks away. And once the fox is away, the possum has a physical reaction. They move their arms and legs like crazy, kind of like they were running like in the air, dismissing all of that stress in their body. And then they just get up and, well, wander away. They don’t carry it around. We don’t necessarily have a way to get rid of that stress. When instances happen, I teach women inside the navigate method how to do that because I think it’s super important and it’s a practice you can do every day.

Betsy [00:20:44]:
But if you don’t have that, then it’s building up. So now you see the glasses on the edge of the dishwasher and the story, the pattern, the protective pattern that you have is like, you don’t think. You don’t think I’m good enough or all the times where somebody dismissed you or thought you weren’t good enough or made you do stuff that wasn’t your job or whatever it is. And then you react to that. Maybe you say something sharp, right? Maybe you’re just exhausted. You roll your eyes, you slam the door. Maybe they’re gone and you just heckle them in the air, right? Like you just, why’d you do this? Now, you may think that that’s just an instance, and although it is in a lot of ways, it only is if you dispel all the stress around it and move past it in a way that you don’t carry it forward. So life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thought.

Betsy [00:21:45]:
Well, emotions create a lot of strength in our thoughts. You know, lots of times I hear people talk about affirmations and I love me a good affirmation. Like, I’m not saying don’t do affirmations, but I think affirmations are a really good way to refine or to help support deeper change, right? Because if I’m saying like, that I’m, everybody loves me and life is great, and it’s safe for me to have visibility or whatever my affirmation is, but unconscious, my unconscious story, the way that my life is actually moving, is in the direction of my strongest thought. And if that is not my strongest thought, so how do I add strength to thoughts? One can be repetition. So if you do have a mantra and you have been repeating it for years, you probably do believe it. I have one. Life is always working out for me. I really believe that one.

Betsy [00:22:41]:
And when things go sideways, I can still hold that belief. That’s how I know it’s really true for me. But I also can create a lot of strength with emotion. So I’m either moving in the direction that I want or I’m moving in a direction that I don’t want. And when I ignore those little situations, those little times where my truth is being shown, it’s showing me the direction of my strongest thought, then I’m not taking care, right? I’m not actually going where I want to go. I’m going in the direction of my strongest thought and emotion and repetition is going to create really strong, unconscious thoughts. And what happens when I’m not consciously thinking what I want to think? All my patterns and habits come into play, and that’s how I spend 95% of my life. So the place to create change isn’t consciously.

Betsy [00:23:39]:
I know that sounds kind of weird. There’s nothing wrong with conscious, like, go ahead and change consciously. I mean, go ahead and. Which would be your behavior and your environment, right? Go ahead and change those things. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that’s consciously only 95 or only 5% of how you live your life. The other 95% cannot be ignored. And if it is, then you’re gonna find yourself doing what I was doing, which was not posting on Instagram, not showing up on my Facebook group, not sending an email, not doing the things, the actions that I’d need to do.

Betsy [00:24:16]:
Because the moment I wasn’t consciously thinking about it and I had some relief, my pattern went into effect and kept me where I was. So we are always learning and growing. I will be forever on this path of learning and growing. You know, I say all the time when I do this show, it is lessons that I’m getting. Either I’ve had in my own life or that I’m in the middle of learning. And so this is just like a next level. So I’m super fascinated to see how things change for me. I’m thinking like by Christmas time I’ll really start seeing some big, huge shifts in outcomes, right? Because once we take action, then might take a minute for the universe to catch up and start to show me the outcomes that I’m looking.

Betsy [00:25:01]:
But it’s not going to be long because I’m really tackling it and I’m honestly putting my money where my mouth is. I am investing heavily in my own growth because I am the best bet out there. I will bet on myself more than anything else. And I say that with a lot of self love because it can be hard sometimes to think we’re worthy, especially when our families need things or our kids need things or whatever. But to say, you know what? I need something too. And this is what I’m going to do. And I think when we get to that place where we recognize that we deserve to get support for ourselves, you know, in whatever way that looks like, whether it’s hiring a coach or getting a friend and saying, hey, I want to read this book and go back and forth and try and figure out our patterns, you know? Doctor Joe Dispenza has some great books on shifting from that unconscious level. He uses meditation.

Betsy [00:26:04]:
Whether you get Joseph’s app, you know what I mean? Like, there’s so many different ways you can support yourself. And I think when you can begin to recognize that you’re worthy of that, that is how you live a big life. Thanks so much for being here with me this week. I love you guys so much and I will see you next time on the art of living big. Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show and thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes.

Betsy [00:26:37]:
I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media. I’m usually on Instagram starting out on TikTok. It’s just my name, Betsy Paik. And that’s my website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute, but to make it really easy. If you want me, just shoot me a DM.

Betsy [00:27:13]:
Shoot me a direct message on Instagram and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening, and I will see you all next week.

In this weeks episode Betsy gives some insight into how your brain works, why you feel stuck and two steps to be aware of when you want to become “unstuck” for good!

Find Betsy’s Free Masterclass here www.betsypake.com/5shifts

Transcript:

Betsy [00:00:01]:
Hello. Hi, everyone. Welcome. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the art of living big. So today I’ve got a. I got. I have a lot of ideas for sure for show ideas for you today, but I’m going to stick with one that’s been coming up over and over and over again.

Betsy [00:00:18]:
But before I get to that, I just want to say, like, happy pumpkin spice season. I’m more of a peppermint season kind of girly, but I will say this. I’m more. I like pie over cake. So we’re heading into my season, right. But also, I like peppermint over pumpkin spice, but not in smells. So. So I’m excited for peppermint mocha.

Betsy [00:00:44]:
Coffee is coming. But also, I’m so excited for pumpkin spice candles and apple candles. I’ll tell you, it brought me, like, a certain level of joy this weekend to have football on. Just the sound of it, like the ritual of it. I don’t know. It was really nice. My husband was gone for the whole day. That’s really nice.

Betsy [00:01:06]:
So this is, like a really good season. And it’s so interesting to me because, you know, if you’ve been here for a long time, if you’ve followed this show for a long time, you know that I’m a beach girly. Historically, I have been a beach girly, and I have dreamed about going to the beach. In fact, I was looking in an old, old journal that I found, and it almost made me cry. Today I was looking in this old journal, and I had written down, like, every day I’ll write down five things I appreciate, and then I’ll bless my house, bless my family, bless my body, bless my work, bless my dogs, whatever that is. And I put bless my future beach, wherever it is. And it almost made me sad because I was like, oh, God. I mean, I was so in deep longing for the beach, and which is probably why I didn’t get it, because I was needy, I was thirsty for it.

Betsy [00:02:11]:
But it’s so interesting to me because historically, that’s where I’ve always been. Beach, summer. That’s my jamden. But last year I noticed, and this year, like, heading into fall, I’m happy, I feel good, I’m excited about fall, fashion, all the things, having the football on and all the things. And so I started thinking this weekend I was, like, really clearing stuff out because I had space. Not everybody was home. And I was going through some old clothes that I don’t wear anymore and getting some stuff ready to bring to goodwill. And I started thinking about this book and I want to share this book with you.

Betsy [00:02:48]:
I started thinking about this book that I had read years ago, and I think I probably talked about it on the show. My husband read it after I shared it with him. But I think when we moved, when we moved into this house last year, it must have gotten lost in transition. That’s the only thing I can think. I do occasionally weed out books, so it’s possible that it got weeded out because I thought, I’ve read it, I’ve read it a couple times or referenced it and my husband’s read it, so let’s make room for new books. And although that’s a solid thought right there, make room for new books. I was like, I really want to read that book again, so I want to tell you what the book is. And if you just happen to be a man, I know we have, like a small handful of men that listen to this show, then you might be excited about this book option as well.

Betsy [00:03:42]:
So it’s called think like a warrior five, the five inner beliefs that make you unstoppable. It’s by a guy named Darian Donnelly. And on the COVID it has like a football helmet, like a hand raising the football helmet into the. Into the air. And so it’s a. It’s about football, but even if you are like, I don’t know football, I don’t like football. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

Betsy [00:04:06]:
The book. And again, it’s been several years since I’ve read it, but it, it goes to its stories, so it’s super easy to read. Like, let me just see how many pages it is. 231 pages. But you could probably read it in a night, you know what I mean? It’s like, got kind of bigger print. It’s easy to read. My old eyes can read it, but it goes fast. But it’s stories that highlight some of the greatest football coaches and what their belief was and what made them great.

Betsy [00:04:40]:
And it’s active things that you can do and integrate and make part of who you are. And I just. I really loved it when I wrote, when I read it. And in fact, at the time, I made, like a little booklet out of the five beliefs so that I could keep it with me. And I kept it in my purse for a long time until it was like raggedy and I had to throw it away. And then I started thinking about it this weekend, maybe because football was on and all that, and I thought, I’m going to order that book. So I reordered it so Darren Donnelly has double my money, but I like to support people that do things I like. So it’s fine.

Betsy [00:05:18]:
And I’m going to reread it. So I wanted to offer that to you in case you wanted to read a book like that this fall, too. I have been in a book club, which is a new thing for me with friends. And so I’ve been reading the book that’s in the book club, but I think I’m going to get done early on that one. I’ll be ahead of the game and so I’ll be able to have time space for this one before the next book club. Let me tell you quickly if you’re a book girly about the books. So I read lucky last month and it was pretty good. I don’t know that I would be like, oh, you got to read it.

Betsy [00:05:52]:
But it was entertaining. And the book I’m reading this time, I think I might have mentioned it like three weeks ago on the show, is the measure. Now I’m not even going to know the name of it. Measure, no, it’s called, yeah, I was right. It’s called the measure. The measure. And it’s about like everybody in the world over 22 gets this box with a string in it on their front doorstep one morning. They don’t know where it came from and the string indicates the length of their life.

Betsy [00:06:24]:
And it’s really like how does the world adapt to it? It weirdly reminds me of pandemic kind of, do you know, like that uncertainty and fear. And so I don’t know that it’s my favorite either, but I’m just telling you what I’ve been reading. But think like a warrior. The five inner beliefs that make you unstoppable. I got it on Amazon so you can get it on Amazon. Okay. All right. So this is what I want to talk about on today’s show.

Betsy [00:06:51]:
And it is an idea or a question that I get asked a lot. And I get asked a lot, like on my instagram or when I’m talking to people. It would be so helpful if people that book a call with me have heard this show first because I think it will help to connect some of the dots. And I try to connect the dots while we’re on the phone, but there’s only so much that we can do if you’re unclear of what I’m talking about. So I have a program called the Navigate method that helps women make really big decisions on whether to stay or leave their marriage. And it’s highly impactful. We get incredible results. And our testimonials, top tier.

Betsy [00:07:34]:
It’s amazing. And to get in, you have to be invited. I know, really, I’m really clear on who I can help and who I can’t. And I’m not going to invite somebody or take somebody’s money that I can’t help. And so the way that we do it is we have a masterclass that really gives you a idea of who I am in the work that I do. And then if that resonates with you, then you can book a call with me, and we can get some clarity on where you are, and I can see if I can help you. And then if I can help you, I invite you, and then you come into the program, and then we’re forever linked. For better or for worse, we are together.

Betsy [00:08:15]:
And so one of the concepts here that I think is so important is this idea that our brains work in a really specific way, and that way is geared towards keeping our physical body alive. The interesting thing is that our brains don’t really care if we are happy, if we’re having a good time, if we’re looking forward to things like, yes, our brain likes novelty. It likes routine, it likes all of these things, but it’s number one directive. The thing that’s most, most important for it is that it’s that it stays alive. You know, those people that are adrenaline junkies, like, we. Like we know, like those people, right? Like, it’s a specific kind of person, and it’s pretty rare, right? Because the way our brain is designed, it’s to keep us safe, which means to keep us doing the same exact things. Not to actually have adrenaline. Like that’s an anomaly.

Betsy [00:09:24]:
And that’s how come we talk about it, because it’s an anomaly, and it’s so different than what we’re used to or different than how we feel or what we think. And so the way that our brain works is that it is designed to keep us in the same place. And anytime that we start to move out of that, it alerts us, and it’s going to alert us in a lot of different ways. It’s going to give us a nervous system output. And that might be. That might feel like fear, that might feel like migraine headaches, right? That might feel like anxiety. It might feel like exhaustion. Like, I just got to take a nap.

Betsy [00:10:02]:
Have you ever been going through a lot of stuff, and you’re like, I am just exhausted, and you’re exhausted. It may not be because you’re active or you’re doing something, but it’s because you’re mentally taxed, because the places that you’re going are new. It’s new frontier. And so knowing that then is that my brain is designed to keep me in the same place. Anytime I’m outside of that place, I’m going to be having a reaction helps us to understand and to be able to make shifts in our life and to make changes in our life that maybe we wouldn’t have been able to make if we didn’t have that level of awareness. So, like I said, we’re going to be experiencing some sort of nervous system output, right? Whatever is coming in, we’re going to get an output that is either positive or negative. And that’s one way that we can start to judge how we handle things and where we are in terms of our higher level thinking and our ability to shift and change and adapt, right? So one of the things that happens every time I’m talking to somebody on the phone is they’re hearing what we’re saying and they’re wanting to make a shift, but they’re also feeling this opposing feeling of fear or nervousness. They’ll start really thinking about all the reasons why they should stay in the same place.

Betsy [00:11:42]:
And it might look like, well, I need to think about it. Like, I need 24 hours or I need 48 hours to think about it. And most of the time, they’ve been thinking about the change that we’re talking about. They’ve been thinking about it for years. They’ve been thinking about it for years. So what’s happening? I’m going to say a disclaimer, like, for the most part, most of the time when I talk to people, 99% of the time, what’s happening is a nervous system output, that their nervous system is trying to keep them in the same place. It’s not necessarily because what they’re saying is true for them, but it’s true for them in the moment because they’re having an output that feels really uncomfortable. And I’ll tell you, anytime we go to make change, it’s going to feel uncomfortable.

Betsy [00:12:33]:
And most of the time, in order to make a change that feels uncomfortable, you’ve got to be able to have some sort of way to regulate your nervous system. And since we teach that inside the program, chances are they don’t have it already. And so what I hear is like, oh, I gotta think about it. I gotta sleep on it. Or sometimes they’ll say, I always make decisions by sleeping on. I’ll never make a decision spur of the moment. And I always think like this, not spur of the moment. You’ve been thinking about it for years, and I bet you make decisions all the time.

Betsy [00:13:05]:
Spur of the moment, all the time. It’s just something that’s within your comfort zone, and so it doesn’t trigger any kind of response. Or I’ll hear something like, one that I hear a lot is like, well, I need to check. I need to just check in with my husband. I just want to be respectful. And although that may be true, although that may be true, that’s only coming up because you had a nervous system output, right? You had a feeling, you had something happen that made you say, I don’t know if I should do this. And so one of the things that when we go to start making changes, whether it’s with, take my deal out of it, right? Take me out of it, and just anything in your life, you go to make changes. When we start thinking about stuff, we’re making changes.

Betsy [00:13:54]:
Typically, unless you’ve been taught to do it a different way, we make changes based on our environment and our behavior. So a really great example of this is going to the gym, right? January 1. Like, what do we do? We’re like, I’m going to lose ten pounds. This is it. This is the year, and I’m going to join the gym, my environment, changing my environment, and I’m going to meal prep, right? Or I’m going to get a piece of equipment, a treadmill in my house, and I’m going to track all my food or whatever it is, right? So behavior tracking my food and my environment, adding in a treadmill or joining a gym. And those things, although they can be really great, there’s nothing inherently wrong with those things, do those things, but those things are conscious. I have to be thinking about them to do them, because it’s new. And so what that means is the moment, I’m not thinking about it.

Betsy [00:14:58]:
And what happens is, I can only think about that for so long before I can no longer. Right. This is why, like, January 20, most people, I mean, there’s a statistic on that. It’s like 92% of people, 95% of people have given up on their new year’s resolutions. Why? Because they tried to move from their environment and their behavior, which is very conscious, which means you have to be thinking about it or aware of it, which takes a lot of energy. And we only have so much conscious energy. So that means the moment I’m not consciously thinking about it. My patterns, my habits, my unconscious takes over okay, so now I know what I want, and I have some conscious things to do to achieve that.

Betsy [00:15:50]:
But now it’s January 20, and it’s all gone sideways. Or I wanted to fix my marriage, and I have a plan, and it works for a little while when I’m going to therapy, right? If we’re both going together, it’s good during that time. Then as soon as we’re done, what does it do? It goes back. Goes back to what’s the unconscious. So, if my behavior and my environment are the bottom rungs of the ladder, as I move up into my unconscious, I’m getting into my beliefs. Like, what do I really think unconsciously? My values and my identity. Who do I think I am, right? Who do I allow to have access to me? How do I show up and unconscious stuff is unconscious? It’s my facial expressions. It might be even the flush of my face, my skin tone, right? My tone of my face.

Betsy [00:16:49]:
Like, actually, like, how tight my skin looks. Did you know that my lips might get fuller or less full? It’s all unconscious. When I’m thinking about something, my eyes, my pupils will dilate. Right? You’ve probably heard of that one. So all of these things happen unconsciously. And it is a communication. We’re not. It’s such a tiny amount.

Betsy [00:17:10]:
It’s like 3% of our communication comes from words. The rest is all unconscious, which means it’s not behavior and environment. It means it’s our values, our beliefs, and our identity, who we think we are. So if you start to shift on that level, if you start to shift on that level, then my behavior and my environment don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if I’ve completed the therapy. It doesn’t matter if I’m not going to therapy with my husband. It doesn’t matter, because who we are is the kind of people that respect each other, that are polite to each other in public, right? That show that respect in public, that consider each other, that allow the other person to speak. Like, those sound like behaviors, but that’s a way of being.

Betsy [00:18:07]:
So when you shift your way of being, you don’t have to spend all the energy trying to be doing the doing. Just happens because that’s who you are. Think about it like this. Do you brush your teeth every day? Like, you probably brush your teeth? I brush my teeth, like, three times a day because I work from home and I can’t stay. Like, after I eat lunch, I’m like, I got to go brush my teeth. That’s who I am. It just feels like I can’t stand it. Feels so weird to me right at night.

Betsy [00:18:37]:
Like, I don’t have to watch a YouTube video to know how to brush my teeth. I just know how to do it because I’ve done it so much, it’s unconscious. I’ve even had times, and maybe you have too, where I’ve brushed my teeth and then I’ve washed my face and then I’ve been like, did I brush my teeth? And I’ll touch my toothbrush to see if it’s wet. The little trick I learned with my kid was young to know if she had brushed her teeth, but it’s so unconscious, I don’t even remember I did it. You may have that sometime when you drive to work, like where you’re like, oh, my God, I’m here in the parking lot, but I don’t even remember getting here. Like, it just happened, right? So why did it just happen? Because it was unconscious. It’s way on those higher levels. It’s not at the level of environment or behavior.

Betsy [00:19:25]:
So when we go to make big changes, can we change our environment and our behavior? Yeah, absolutely. Go ahead and do it. And that lots of times can satisfy our ego because we feel like, yes, I’m doing the things, but it’s way more important for long term change for you to create a life that you really want, for you to start changing who you are. Identity level, how do I allow people to treat me? What are my standards? How do I show up? What’s important to me? What are my core beliefs and values? How do I demonstrate those to the world? Knowing that level stuff for yourself creates a huge change, not only in your confidence, but also in what you’re unconsciously sending out to other people as is okay to treat you or I the standards that you have for people around you. So I want to give you this thought that maybe change is way easier than we’ve been told. Like, we’ve been told change takes a long time. Have you ever, like, dinged your arm on an iron? A hot iron? Like you probably have, and then you didn’t have to, like, ding your arm on a hot iron for 21 days to know that you didn’t want to touch the iron? Change does not have to take long. I had somebody inside our program the other day said I went to therapy for years and it almost doesn’t make sense to me.

Betsy [00:20:55]:
How come I’m so different just from going through the navigate method? Like, why am I so different? Because we didn’t work from the level that everybody else works at. That’s why it’s so effective. That’s why you feel so much better. That’s how come your nervous system outputs become totally different. That’s how come you can uplevel in ways that maybe you couldn’t before, because you’re learning a different way of being in the world. So if you want to make change, if you want to become unstuck, the first thing is to start to notice where you’re stopping yourself. Like, really, what happens? Are you getting a headache every time you think about change? Is it getting confusing? Confusion is actually a big one of mine. Fear of change shows up to me as confusion, where I’m like, I don’t even know what to do.

Betsy [00:21:44]:
I have talked about this. I have talked about this for so long, you guys, but I don’t think in earnest until, like, maybe the last month, really? About really coming up with a plan to get on TikTok. Like, I want to get on TikTok. I do these podcasts. I’ve been doing these podcasts for eight years. I can get off. I can get on and just talk. I could do TikTok.

Betsy [00:22:03]:
That would be fun. But I have a fear, because I see how mean people can be on TikTok, and so that fear leads to confusion for me. When I think about TikTok, I’m like, I don’t know what I would talk about. I don’t know what I would say. I don’t know, like, confusion. I’m not really confused. So if I want to move through that confusion, I know exactly what to do. I just haven’t really been wanting to move through that confusion, but I know exactly what to do.

Betsy [00:22:32]:
And I have talked. I did an episode, just a few episodes back about the thinking chair. I think that can really come in handy. So you’ve got to start to notice what your nervous system outputs are that are slowing you down. I always get a headache. I get confused. I get overwhelmed. I start telling myself bad things about myself, right? Like, what are those things? What are those nervous system outputs for you? And then ask yourself, what is my truth? Like, where do I really want to go? And is that truth bigger than the nervous system output? Chances are, up to this point, we have to get really sick of our own shit before it’s bigger than the output that we’re getting that’s slowing us down.

Betsy [00:23:18]:
So start noticing where you’re getting an output that’s not working for you and start asking yourself, is what I want bigger than that? And if it’s not. Give yourself a break. Don’t. Don’t deal with the nervous system outputs telling you that it’s time to change, you know, or being fearful of the change, just let yourself not change. Be like, this is where I am sometimes there’s seasons for that. Like, I’m not judging. There are seasons for that. There are times where I’m like, you know what? Like, with the TikTok, I probably got.

Betsy [00:23:53]:
I know what to do. But right now, it’s not a season for that. It’s coming. It’s coming, but it’s not now. And that’s okay. But there will come a point where your growth. Right, where I will want to be exposed right in a new way to a new audience. And that will become more important to me than the confusion.

Betsy [00:24:15]:
There will come a point where the way that you’re living your life with your husband is more unsettling and unhappy. And the thought of moving forward in your life continuing on that trajectory of unhappiness is more important than the fear you would go through when you go to get help. So think about where you are, no matter what it is. And is it worth it? Is it worth moving through that and having that moment where you’ve got to choose your future or where you are right now? I think when you can do that, that is when you live a big life. All right, thanks so much for listening. I will see you guys. I will see you guys next week. We’ll do it again.

Betsy [00:25:01]:
I have a lot more thoughts, more things to share, and I love you so much. Thanks for being here. Bye.

Todays episode Betsy chats with her friend Lea Ann Slotkin. Lea Ann is a successful artist who also coaches creatives to clear out imposter syndrome and show up authentically.
You can find Lea Ann on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/leaannslotkin/ and also listen to her podcast, Mind Over Medium!

Transcription:

Betsy [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the art of living big podcast. My name is Betsy Paik. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy, and I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now let’s go live big. All right. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the show today.

Betsy [00:00:35]:
Welcome to the art of living big. I’m excited today because I have a friend with me, and I’m going to tell you the story of why we’re doing this show, although I’ve wanted to have her on the show for a long time because I think it’s going to be insightful. I think you’ve got a lot of things to share. So today I have my friend, Leanne Slotkin. Hey, Leanne.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:00:54]:
Hi. Thanks for having me.

Betsy [00:00:56]:
Yeah, I’m excited to have you here. I feel like. May I say this? We met maybe a year ago.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:01:04]:
Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Betsy [00:01:06]:
I think I had just moved into my house.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:01:08]:
Yeah, you had.

Betsy [00:01:10]:
And you stumbled upon my. The podcast or just my instagram?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:01:15]:
I Instagram stalked you.

Betsy [00:01:16]:
Yes.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:01:17]:
And then.

Betsy [00:01:18]:
And then we lived, like, right down the street from each other, and now we’re BFF’s, so it’s very fun. So I’m excited to have you on the show. It’s kind of fun if you found me from the show to be on the show.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:01:29]:
Yes, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So, Maddox, so tell everybody a little.

Betsy [00:01:34]:
Bit about you and what you do.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:01:35]:
Yeah. Well, like you said, my name’s Leanne. I live in Atlanta. Well, actually, Decatur. And I’m an artist and a coach, and my. I have a whole, like, 20 plus year career in women’s fashion, have always done art on the side and transitioned to doing it full time about six years ago. And I’ve had some success. I’m always surprised when someone.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:01:59]:
I’m still surprised when someone buys my work. I find it astonishing, and I’m always so grateful. But my work is represented by a gallery in Atlanta, and I’ve had a lot of fun collaborations with brands like Serena and Lily, Carmax, Framebridge, all kinds of things. So I’m very fortunate. And then during the pandemic, I decided to get my coaching certification so I could help artists become business owners and actually have a profitable creative business. So those are the things that I do.

Betsy [00:02:32]:
I love it. Serena and Lily, that seems very fancy pants. Like, I remember when you told me that, I was like, ooh, I don’t know. Why is fancy pants, though? Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:02:45]:
You know, the gallery that I’m with in Atlanta has a lot of great connections, and so we have. I had the opportunity to submit my work for them monthly. And, like, they often have themes and a lot, like, when my theme, kind of what I’m known for, aligns, they’ll often pick up my work, and they do have a section online for original art.

Betsy [00:03:08]:
Okay, cool. What’s what? How would you define your art? What would you call it?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:03:12]:
Very nature inspired, floral, brightly colored, slightly abstracted.

Betsy [00:03:18]:
It’s like a little whimsical, I think.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:03:20]:
Yeah. Has a little whimsy to it.

Betsy [00:03:22]:
I really like it.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:03:24]:
It’s really good.

Betsy [00:03:27]:
Okay. So I got this message on Instagram from somebody that follows me, but I follow them, too, because when they started following me, I think it was years ago, but they’re so cool. Do you know when you, like, you’re like, I’m going to follow for the fashion, but I’m staying for the nail art. You know what I’m saying? So she messaged and said, I wonder if you have any resources, books, podcast episodes, videos, anything on something along the lines of becoming confident in our gifts and talents. So imposter syndrome adjacent, except I’m trying to believe in myself to even try going for my artistic dreams. And I have thoughts, imposter syndrome thoughts to share. But right off, I was like, oh, this is what. This is our moment.

Betsy [00:04:20]:
This is what we’ve been waiting for.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:04:22]:
This is what we’ve been waiting for.

Betsy [00:04:24]:
So I want to talk to you about this. So how do you think we should break this down? Down? Should we start, like, imposter syndrome and then talk a little bit about artistic? Because I think that’s a different side of it. But also, I have some thoughts to share.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:04:41]:
Yeah, I mean, I am ready to jump in wherever you want to start, because honestly, this is my wheelhouse, what I talk to people about all the time. This is what I coach artists on. So I will jump in wherever you lead.

Betsy [00:04:54]:
Okay. So here’s the only thing that I’ll say, because you’re really the expert here, but imposter syndrome is something that I have heard about forever, right? We’ve all heard about it. And I’ve always thought, I don’t really have that.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:05:10]:
I remember you, I think we were at coffee one time and you told me that, and I was like, what the. What are you talking about?

Betsy [00:05:16]:
How do you not have that?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:05:18]:
Right?

Betsy [00:05:19]:
But I. I do have to say, well, now that you know me and be totally honest. Do you think now, do you think maybe I have imposter syndrome?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:05:30]:
I think if we had, like, the Webster’s dictionary definition of what that meant verbatim. Yes, we all have it on some level. And I think maybe you’ve just done a ton of work on how. On being able to turn that volume down for yourself. So, I mean, I think from time to time, like, maybe in parenting or in relationships, you know, I think it can kind of be there.

Betsy [00:05:57]:
Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:05:58]:
I think when you are finally making a decision to put your art or something that comes from you out into the world, it can get real loud.

Betsy [00:06:08]:
So. Because what I was going to say was, I’ve always thought, I don’t have imposter syndrome. And then when I really started showing up on Instagram, which is not art, I just want to say there’s a component of it that’s creative. Right?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:06:20]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:06:21]:
That all of a sudden I was, like, vulnerable. Like, I’ve even done podcasts on the hate I get on the Internet, which now, looking back even to the. That show, which was just a couple months ago, I realized the hate I was getting on the Internet was the filter that I was feeding it through in my own head of, like, this is really vulnerable. I feel really exposed. So I’ve changed my tune. And I think that if you do enough outside the realm of where you feel really comfortable, which is how we grow, you should be doing that, then this is like a natural evolution of what shows up. I’ll say this one last thing, and then I will be quiet and let you go. And I think instead of then shaming yourself for it to go, oh, I have hit the threshold of what I thought was possible for me.

Betsy [00:07:20]:
How cool, right? Okay, so before we go any longer. Any farther, are you a swiftie?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:07:28]:
Yeah, I went to the concert.

Betsy [00:07:29]:
Didn’t you go?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:07:30]:
I think we went around the same time.

Betsy [00:07:32]:
No, I didn’t go. But you’re an official swifty. Okay, so we can continue. I like to ask everybody before we decide. Ok. Ok. So tell me what you think about this.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:07:46]:
Well, I think when we decide to do something new that takes us out of our comfort zone or out of our normal day to day routines, it can bring up a lot of stuff. I think that, coupled with a lot of the narratives out there about being someone who’s creative or an artist kind of. I’m not going to say this word. Exasperated exacerbates. Did I say that right?

Betsy [00:08:14]:
You did.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:08:14]:
Can exacerbate that because we have the starving artist trope. You know, you can’t make money. That’s not a real job.

Betsy [00:08:23]:
Why is that so prevalent?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:08:26]:
I think it’s a very old, old thing when, like, Richel Whiteman decided to be an artist, and they would have patrons who would support them, and I think it was some gatekeeping. And, I mean, I think there’s a million reasons why, like, you know, being. And it goes way back. So add that to wanting to do something that your heart is calling you to do. And I think, too, as women, I think we often, like, quiet, that noise that we have about expressing ourselves for whatever reason, and that adds to it. So it’s kind of like a recipe for some imposter syndrome to come up. So I’m not at all surprised to see this text that you had or hear this text that you had. And it’s perfectly normal.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:09:13]:
Totally normal.

Betsy [00:09:14]:
Do you think that imposter syndrome comes up when we go outside of what we thought was possible, or do you think it’s when we go outside of what we think other people think is possible for us? Do you know what I mean?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:09:30]:
Question. I totally know what you mean. I think that when you are. Well, I’ll just speak for myself.

Betsy [00:09:37]:
Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:09:37]:
I feel like when I am pushing up against some norms, either within my family of origin, my family, societal things, I can start feeling a little like, is this right? Is this okay? Which brings up doubt. And really, imposter syndrome is just a word for doubt.

Betsy [00:09:58]:
Self doubt?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:09:59]:
I think so. I think it’s a combination. But I do think that what will people think? Part of it really makes it loud.

Betsy [00:10:09]:
Yeah. Cause I’m feeling like, as we started talking, I was starting to feel like. I wonder if it’s more like. I think our identity is very geared towards. And by identity, I don’t mean roles. Right. Like, I don’t mean, like, I’m a mom. Like, our identity of, like, who we really think we are, deep down, is formed when we’re so young.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:10:32]:
Yes.

Betsy [00:10:33]:
But it’s formed from the interactions and information that we get from our parents and people close to us. Right. Or guiding us. And. And that if we can please them, we stay out of trouble. Right.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:10:49]:
Keeps us safe.

Betsy [00:10:50]:
It’s safe, yeah. And so if then we take that identity with us, and then that becomes who we are, which I think is true, then if we go outside of that, it’s like, I’m going to get in trouble. It, like, triggers the I’m going to get in trouble, like, something’s wrong. So how would you tell people to. What do we do. Tell me what to do.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:11:15]:
Tell you what to do.

Betsy [00:11:17]:
I just started fighting back with all the men on the Internet, and that kind of helped me, but I don’t know that that’s productive.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:11:24]:
Well, speaking. I’m going to speak to the creative person that, you know, reached out to you specifically. I think it is a okay to keep. Like, if you’re trying this thing, like, if you’re trying, it’s like when you’re. If you’re a parent and you’re having a baby, like, you have this thing growing inside of you, you have to take really good care of it and nurture it and take care of yourself. And then when you have your baby, you might not take it to the waffle house right away because, you know, you want to keep it safe and everything. It’s okay to treat it like that. Like it’s this precious thing that you don’t have to show anyone yet.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:12:01]:
You don’t have to announce to the world. You can keep it quiet until you have your sea legs. And I think that where people get a little skewed about this is thinking, oh, I have to post it on Internet, on instagram or wherever, because I want to make it a business. But before you can make it a business, you have to find your voice. You have to figure out your rhythms. Like, what do I like? What mediums do I like? So it’s a lot of trial and error. And I always like to tell my clients, it’s okay to do that just in your own studio without telling anyone about it. Like, maybe find some safe people to give some accurate feedback, but no one has to know about it until you’re ready for this thing to be out in the world.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:12:41]:
So I think that calms a lot of people down, because in my world, I see people equating it with being. Putting their work out there. I hear people say, I’m so afraid to put my work out there. And I think defining what that means for you and making that match the stage you are at in your process can really calm your nervous system down about it.

Betsy [00:13:03]:
And I think this is interesting, too, because if we have an identity, and this is who I’ve always been, but now I’m moving outside of that, me getting comfortable with that first makes a lot of sense before I tell other people that this is what I am.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:13:17]:
Absolutely. Yes.

Betsy [00:13:20]:
Like, coming out of the closet, like, I got to get comfortable with it first before.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:13:26]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:13:26]:
Like, it’s a shift in identity shift, I think. Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:13:30]:
Yeah. And especially, like, if you’ve heard your whole life, like, this isn’t a real business. Like, people don’t do this. It’s like, I think people have been told it’s frivolous or it’s not that important, or it’s just, like, something cute that you do, you know, all those things which if probably this person was like, you know, I really. I decided I’m going to law school. I don’t. I mean, I’m sure there would be some self doubt and overwhelm and fear, but I’m not sure it would feel the same.

Betsy [00:14:05]:
The pushback from people around you would be so much different.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:14:09]:
It would be very different. I mean, I still have people who are like, oh, well, that’s not a real job. Yeah, okay.

Betsy [00:14:17]:
You’re like, whatever, Serena, Lily died. You were like, I’ve done it. So then it brings it back to the whole thing of it’s really what other people think.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:14:31]:
Yeah. And what you’ve internalized, and then why.

Betsy [00:14:34]:
The heck do we care? I mean, I care. I know I care. I pretend I don’t care, but I know I care.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:14:40]:
I mean, that’s. I mean, I think. I mean, we want to know that our work is valued in some way.

Betsy [00:14:47]:
Yeah. And it’s important. I would think. And I’m not an artist, but projecting here. I would think that we all like to be agreed with. Right. And if you’re doing something and putting your heart and soul into it, you want to feel supported. And if you think it’s good, you want people to agree.

Betsy [00:15:08]:
Yeah. It’s really good.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:15:10]:
Yeah. You want it. You want that reflected back to you to validate.

Betsy [00:15:14]:
Can you be a bad artist and keep going?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:15:18]:
Oh, 100%.

Betsy [00:15:20]:
So then it has nothing. Sometimes I feel like this with politicians, right? Like, where I’m like, oh, my God. There. Nothing’s making sense. And not just political. I mean, not just presidential. Lots of different politicians. But I’m like, they got so much.

Betsy [00:15:35]:
Like, they just think they can do it, and now they’re probably gonna do it because they think they can do it. But it’s like, you can. Can you convince other people that you could do it the more you can? You think you can do it? Like, do you think that’s a. Am I getting too down the rabbit hole here? But do you see what I’m saying?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:15:55]:
I think so let me say it back to you to make sure I understand what you’re asking me. So you’re asking, can people who want to pursue something creative pursue it even though their skill level might not be awesome.

Betsy [00:16:12]:
Yes. I like how you said that instead. Even if they’re bad. Yeah, you’re right. If their skill level isn’t to a level that perhaps could be seen as marketable.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:16:23]:
Yes.

Betsy [00:16:23]:
And so then I went to the politician thing. Like, if we believe we can do it, other people will believe we could do it. So is it less about, I mean, we see a lot of art that’s like where you’re like, I could do that, although I know I really couldn’t. But do you know what I’m talking about?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:16:38]:
Yes. The beautiful thing about art is most people are drawn to doing this, but not because of some of. It’s because you might have a natural talent for it, but that can be learned. Like anyone can learn to draw. I truly believe that if you put the time and effort in, but it’s something about your desire, like your internal desire to create something so, and you can have that without ever really developing your skill, but it still brings you joy. That’s the beautiful part about art and creating creativity. Like, you can create, maybe no one ever sees it, but the process of creating brings you joy. And I think that is where all the value of creation lies.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:17:24]:
However, we’re in a society where that doesn’t really add up. It’s like if you can’t monetize it, then it’s not valuable. And that’s, I think, where things get kind of tangled up for artists and creative people.

Betsy [00:17:39]:
You think there’s like some sort of misogyny in there?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:17:43]:
Oh, yeah, for sure. And I, the male artists that I know, I mean, I, God bless them, they don’t, I mean, they don’t struggle with it as much as women, especially women who maybe are going to it, have always had the desire but didn’t pursue it and now are pursuing it later.

Betsy [00:18:01]:
There’s a lot of doubt when I think of art. So many times I think of paintings or I think of pottery, but art can be like sitting on your porch and knitting.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:18:13]:
Oh, for sure.

Betsy [00:18:14]:
Right. Art can be gardening, different things. So just as you’re listening, you may in fact be an artist, but never really identified in that way because it wasn’t something that is marketable, but really, like, we all have a creative piece to us.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:18:32]:
Absolutely.

Betsy [00:18:34]:
And I think, you know, for me, I’m not. I do, I do have my paint by number, as we’ve discussed.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:18:41]:
Yes. Well, you’re creative in a lot of ways.

Betsy [00:18:44]:
In a lot of ways. That’s what I was going to say. I mean, I feel like my podcast, in a lot of ways is creative. Or the stuff I do on Instagram, I mean, it feels creative. I like to do Instagram Stories because there’s a creative element to it, of.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:18:55]:
Well, in your house, how you decorate it and your passion and all of that. That’s super creative.

Betsy [00:19:00]:
Yeah, super creative. So then what’s the shift? What happens when people go, okay, I could do all that and that. Like, I have no, um, pushback to any of that, what we just said. Um, but then on the other side, when does it turn into, oh, this isn’t good enough?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:19:22]:
Well, I think there’s a few things in between there that are worth talking about, because really what you’re dealing with is just that feeling of being uncomfortable doing something new. And once you get your reps in, you get. Build a little bit of confidence over time. The imposter syndrome, what’s the word I’m looking for? Kind of a finish line keeps moving further out because you’re advancing in your skill level and maybe the success that you’ve seen. So it’s almost like something that kind of never goes away, but you’re able to manage it, which. That might not be great news, but.

Betsy [00:20:11]:
Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:20:13]:
I don’t think I answered your question. What was your question?

Betsy [00:20:16]:
I forget where we started, but when it turns from being, like, I can be creative and knit or do my paint by number or whatever, but there’s a point where it turns into brain garbage. And I don’t know. I mean, that’s different for everybody, I suppose, is really the answer for that. It just depends. And I would think that the more your nervous system is acclimated to doing things outside your comfort zone, no matter what it is. So I would think a way to also work on it would be to work on any kind of moving outside your comfort zone, whether that’s, like, with a. In a creative way, like a piece of fashion or, you know, doing your hair different or something, you could start to stretch the boundary of owning, of how you show up. And then I also think owning, because if I can own it, then nobody else has control over it, right? That’s how come when people get picked on, you’re like, just own it, right? Like, or, yeah, something’s going sideways.

Betsy [00:21:17]:
So the more I could own it that, like, this is totally who I am, and you could laugh at it or think whatever you want, but. But I own it, so the joke’s on you, right? I think there’s a part of, like, the more you can actually step into it, the less harm other people can do. I saw a TikTok last night, I think it was. And it was this woman who was. Was super cute, and she was like, hey, Marguerite, or whatever. And she was like, I went to high. I went to law school with you, and I heard that you send my tiktoks to a group chat, and you all make fun of me. But I just want you to know that in addition to getting my law degree, I show my fashion on TikTok, and now I’m in Paris on an all expense paid trip.

Betsy [00:22:07]:
Like, she was just owning it. Like, she knew that there were people that she knew that were kind of making fun of her. And I hear that a lot with people on TikTok, right. They want to. People think, oh, you’re trying to be an influencer or whatever, and there’s something negative about that, but more people own it than the more you can’t take.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:22:26]:
Yeah. It takes power away from the people. And, I mean, at the end of the day, we have between now until we’re dead. And so, like, that, when I think about that, I’m like, I’m letting all that other noise be real quiet because this is my life. I get to decide to. And going back to something you said, I equate what you said to collecting evidence of small successes, and then that piles up, and that helps you have confidence, and then the imposter syndrome really isn’t that much of a thing, except maybe when you’re like, I always know when I have imposter syndrome coming up, it’s like a good road sign for me, or like, if I’m feeling, like, any kind of self doubt, I equate that to a good road sign that I’m going in the right direction because I’m pushing my edges either creatively or trying to build my business or whatever. It’s like, oh, I’m on the right track because this feels uncomfortable.

Betsy [00:23:19]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:23:20]:
So, yeah. Building up evidence of your wins and successes, like, small amounts over time and then using that as a way to tell you’re on the right path.

Betsy [00:23:29]:
Yeah, I like it. You know, I use hypnosis a lot.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:23:33]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:23:33]:
Things when I’m starting to feel wobbly. And there’s an app that I use, and if you have an iPhone, if you go to the app store and you just put in hypnosis, it’ll be like this little white triangle or square? It’s a square.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:23:49]:
It’s the one you turned me on to, right?

Betsy [00:23:51]:
Yes. With a JC. A blue JC. Joseph Klauf. It’s that is so good. And it’s a free version, and then they have, like, a paid version, which I do. The paid version. But I think both are really good.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:24:04]:
They’re great.

Betsy [00:24:05]:
And I use those a lot, and I feel like, um, he’s maybe. Is he british?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:24:12]:
Yeah. Or Australia.

Betsy [00:24:13]:
Australian or something. Yeah. But when he said, when I do the self sabotage ones, and he says, self sabotage, I don’t know how, but every time I, like, knocks me out of hypnosis, I’m like, why is he saying it like that? But it’s so good. His stuff is so good. So that would be another thing. And, you know, when we talk about our identity and making big shifts and how we see ourselves and what we want, how we want other people to see us and what we’re comfortable with, I mean, a lot of that’s unconscious, so going right to the unconscious just makes a lot of sense.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:24:46]:
Yeah. Yes. And I’m so glad you turned me on to the app. And then I had it, and I forgot to use it. You’re like, what about the app? I’m like, oh, yeah.

Betsy [00:24:55]:
I almost every day, I’ll use to go to bed because you have, like, nighttime mode, you can just slip flick it to nighttime, and then it puts you, like, in a trance. I’ll wake up at, like, 06:00 a.m. and I’m like, oh, my God. I feel like I’ve been completely, like, completely out of it the whole day.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:25:11]:
So great. Yeah. You know, another thing that I find helpful, and then I do this with my clients when they’re, you know, kind of stuck in this, like, ugh, imposter syndrome, I’m afraid. What do people think? All kind of the same flavor of the same thing. Um. I’m like, what’s the worst that can happen?

Betsy [00:25:29]:
Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:25:29]:
And they can’t really articulate it, but I’m like, no, and I’ll do this to myself, and I’ll write my journal. Like, what’s the worst that can happen? And when you really, like, get your brain trying to answer that question, it’s. It’s stuff that probably honestly will never, ever, ever happen, and it’s tied to, like you said, like, maybe someone that bullied you in high school or middle school, like, making fun of you online. I mean, it’s a just far fetched stuff that our brain is doing, trying to keep us safe because we’re trying to do something new. So I use that a lot. Like, what is the worst that can happen if I do this thing that feels really hard and then I do that.

Betsy [00:26:04]:
And. And then what? And then what? And then what?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:26:07]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:26:07]:
Like, then you’re like, and I’ll die.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:26:10]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:26:10]:
You’re like, no, I won’t. Like, I’m not gonna die.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:26:13]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:26:14]:
Yeah. It’s funny how our brains do a lot to keep us safe.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:26:18]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Betsy [00:26:20]:
Helpful.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:26:21]:
It’s such a fine line between keeping us safe and keeping us stuck.

Betsy [00:26:24]:
Yeah. Yeah. I had. When I was having all those negative, what I perceived at the time as negative. And some of them were mean.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:26:32]:
They were pretty mean. Some of them were mean.

Betsy [00:26:34]:
Yeah. And I actually got one today, and I was like, oh, whatever. But usually they’ll say something about me, like, that I must have been looking for other Mendenna, which is a big. Which at the time, I was like, do they not know? Like, I wanted cats, you know, and the beach. Um, but then also the. A lot on my weight, like, we’re. Because you’re fat or whatever. And I remember thinking, like, that was actually the thing that shifted for me because then I was like, oh, my God, I look really good right now.

Betsy [00:27:05]:
You don’t know. This is actually better. So then I was like, they don’t know what they’re talking about. Like, that was actually the thing that shifted for me because what they were saying didn’t align. I didn’t believe them. Sometimes when some. When we have a fear, and I’m assuming it’s the same when you’re putting out art, I have a fear. I have a fear that they’re going to say it’s bad and that they’re going to be right.

Betsy [00:27:30]:
Yes, but all of art is subjective, so they might be right for them, but it’s. Might be wrong for them, but it might be right for somebody else. Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:27:43]:
It’s so funny you say that, like, and I think it’s just wild that people on the Internet feel it’s okay to say something online that they never in a million, bajillion years would say to someone’s face if they were in real life. Like, that still boggles my mind.

Betsy [00:27:59]:
It’s funny to me because I’m on TikTok and I comment a lot on stuff, and I always think of myself as the hype woman. Like, my job on TikTok is to be everybody’s hype woman. Like, I go in and leave, like, you look great. Like, you’re. This is so cute. You know what I mean? Yeah, that feels so good. But I can’t imagine the other feels good.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:28:20]:
Think how crappy their days have to be if they’re just, like, triggered by hating on the Internet. Go volunteer. Go do something productive.

Betsy [00:28:31]:
Go volunteer. I love you.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:28:39]:
Oh, I was just requesting. I had someone that I was interviewing for my podcast yesterday, and we were talking about this thing that you touched on that where we have to get square in our brains with putting our work out there. And of course, we want everyone to like it because we’re human. And of course we want everyone to like it. The reality is we just need one person to like it, especially if you’re selling original art. Like, I just need one person to like one thing in order for me to sell a piece of art.

Betsy [00:29:13]:
Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:29:14]:
And so when you think about it like that, it does help. And Instagram and social media and all that have done wonders for people, people’s creative careers. I mean, it’s changed the business 100%. Like, when I start, you know, I moved to Atlanta. I worked in a gallery. It was very traditional. People wanted to see a painting. I had to go take a picture, have the picture developed, send the picture that tells me how old I am to the person, and then wait for the response.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:29:41]:
And, you know, the immediacy of it is all amazing. But then there’s also the flip side that we have to balance that. We just need that one person, not 30,000 people, to like it.

Betsy [00:29:53]:
Yes. I love that. I love that. Tell everybody the name of your podcast.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:29:58]:
Mind over medium.

Betsy [00:29:59]:
Mind over medium. Okay, so that’s a place. I should have sent her that right away.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:30:04]:
Oh, yeah. Well, I didn’t even think.

Betsy [00:30:06]:
I just thought, I gotta have her on my show. So greedy. I’m gonna message her today and be like, the show’s coming out, but also just go to this. Yeah. Any other thoughts that you have for people as they’re kind of navigating this way of being?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:30:21]:
You know, I think there two things can be true at one time. You can be fearful and uncertain, and then you can also be excited and happy to be trying something new. And don’t let one outweigh the other. Like, don’t let the fear not overshadow the excitement and the curiosity. And just holding those two things for a while in equal parts can really move you forward.

Betsy [00:30:51]:
I like that. I like that a lot. And you know what my spin on it is?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:30:55]:
Yeah. I want to hear yours.

Betsy [00:30:57]:
That we are here in this experience. You know, usually when I start the show, I say, welcome. Hello, fellow adventurers. We’ve come here to have an adventure. And what is adventure? But not, like, putting yourself out there in new ways, experiencing new things. And part of us having our unique expression is paying attention to the things that we crave to.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:31:21]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:31:21]:
And if you’re putting a stop to the things that you crave because of other people having their own adventure, then you’re limiting the full expression of why you came to be here.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:31:31]:
Yeah, because we. Oh, go ahead.

Betsy [00:31:33]:
Well, no, I mean, interrupt. That’s what I think.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:31:37]:
Well, I think, yeah, you don’t get those nudges for no reason.

Betsy [00:31:40]:
Yeah. Right.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:31:42]:
I mean, no matter what it is.

Betsy [00:31:44]:
And sometimes I think people think, well, what’s gonna, how, you know, how’s it gonna end? But it’s, sometimes that’s not the end. Like maybe that’s the thing that leads to the next thing that leads to the next thing that leads to the thing that is the end.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:31:56]:
Yes.

Betsy [00:31:56]:
But you limiting yourself is like cutting off a pathway.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:32:01]:
Absolutely. And how boring would it be if you knew exactly how it was going to turn out?

Betsy [00:32:06]:
Right.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:32:07]:
So boring.

Betsy [00:32:08]:
Which brings me to, brings me to this thought that I want to share. Have you read the book? Um, the thread? Is this what it’s called? Okay, so my book club for this month is called, I think it’s called the thread.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:32:22]:
Okay.

Betsy [00:32:23]:
Just bought it. I just got it.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:32:25]:
So is it fiction or.

Betsy [00:32:26]:
It’s fiction.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:32:28]:
I just wrote it down as we’re.

Betsy [00:32:30]:
Because it’s this, it’s this idea. Hang on, I’m looking it up. Okay. It is called the measure. Oh, the measure.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:32:38]:
This.

Betsy [00:32:40]:
So everybody wakes up one day, they have this box on their front porch and inside the box, and I haven’t read it yet. So I’m guessing from the back of the book is like a thread that tells you exactly how long you’re going to live. Right? Like how long. And so it’s a whole thing of. Do you open the box or not?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:00]:
Yeah, I’ve heard about this book.

Betsy [00:33:03]:
Right? I’m excited to read it.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:04]:
Yeah, that’s a good one. Ooh, I’m going to have to read it. Yeah. Nice.

Betsy [00:33:08]:
Then, like, would you want to know? Would you want to know? It’s funny.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:14]:
Would you?

Betsy [00:33:14]:
I wouldn’t want to know. My husband wouldn’t want to know, but my daughter would want to know. And I wonder if it’s because she’s young.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:20]:
Oh, that could be. Yeah.

Betsy [00:33:22]:
Because then you think you’re going to, you think, well, I’ll have a big ass string. Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:27]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:33:28]:
I’m like, I don’t freaking know.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:29]:
I don’t have an idea at this point.

Betsy [00:33:32]:
And is it good? Is it better if it’s longer or better if it’s shorter? Like, what, am I gonna live to 110 and be like, you know, all my friends will be gone. Like, I don’t know what would be worse.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:43]:
So true. Like, I did not find out when I was pregnant. Like, what I was going to have either time.

Betsy [00:33:49]:
You didn’t you just find out when the baby was born?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:33:52]:
Yeah. I like surprises. We have so few, like, delightful surprises, I think, in our life, and I just enjoy them.

Betsy [00:33:58]:
I found out, but I was still surprised. Just at a different.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:34:02]:
Oh, sure, yeah.

Betsy [00:34:05]:
Just at a different time than you. Yeah. Yeah. Because I want. I’m a planner. I love plan.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:34:12]:
You do? You’re good. I am, in a way, yes. There are certain parts of my life that are very planned, and I’m organized, and then there are other parts that, like, if you saw my studio, you’d be like, that is a mess. But it’s a mess that I know where everything is, and it makes sense in my brain. Yeah.

Betsy [00:34:31]:
So it’s like the artist part of you, you know what I mean? Where it would make sense that you wouldn’t want to plan because it would be really hard to have a plan and do art, I think.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:34:40]:
Yeah. I mean, I do have to plan, like, plan my time. Um, I paint usually in a series, so I don’t just start one, finish one. So, I mean, so. Oh, yeah, most people do. Yeah, most artists I know do.

Betsy [00:34:56]:
No, my art is my fashion.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:35:01]:
That’s so like insider baseball, which my.

Betsy [00:35:05]:
T shirt today says optimist. Every time I put it on, I think it says ophthalmologist. And then I feel like, why am I wearing an ophthalmologist t shirt? Which, you know, imposter syndrome. I’m not an optimist, but, yeah, so that’s fascinating to me. Do you know what you are on Myers Briggs?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:35:26]:
Oh, my gosh, yes. I have to think about it. Enfj.

Betsy [00:35:30]:
Oh, you’re j. I’m infJ.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:35:34]:
I don’t really know what that means.

Betsy [00:35:36]:
Judger or perceiver. So judges really like to plan.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:35:40]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:35:40]:
It might be that my judger is harder than your judger and doesn’t really mean judging, you know, it’s more like I like to have structure and plan and systems.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:35:49]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:35:50]:
Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:35:51]:
Well, I just think that was part of, like, how I kept myself safe as a kid, like, knowing where my edge. You know what I mean?

Betsy [00:35:56]:
Yeah.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:35:57]:
So I think it was probably something I developed.

Betsy [00:36:00]:
So when you go to just like that behind you, if anybody’s watching the video. They’ll see that you drew that. I mean, it’s really good. I mean, I know you’re really good, Serena and Lily, but, like, this is really good.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:36:16]:
So it’s not done, but yes. Thank you.

Betsy [00:36:18]:
Well, so when you. When you start something like that, then you have ideas for other ones.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:36:24]:
Yeah, I’m doing a whole series now. I started a series with parts of women and florals. Like, I do a ton of florals and, like, having pieces and parts of a woman’s body. And with it, it’s been something I’ve been to kind of noodling on for a while. So now I’m just trying to figure it out on canvas and paper.

Betsy [00:36:44]:
That sounds nice. I like that. I’ve done, like, big murals and stuff.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:36:50]:
I have. Yeah. Yeah.

Betsy [00:36:54]:
Like, a wide range. I mean, is that normal?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:36:56]:
It is pretty normal. I think there’s a part of people, like, I don’t know many artists who don’t believe in their ability to figure something out in that. In that area. It’s like, oh, I can probably figure it out or talk to someone that knows someone that can help you figure it out. So there’s a real resourcefulness, I think, about that.

Betsy [00:37:22]:
Yeah. This was so fun.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:37:24]:
Thanks for coming on. I’m so excited to be on your show.

Betsy [00:37:28]:
I know. I feel like we could just sit and talk. Like, I have things to talk about. So we’ll have to go get coffee soon, for sure. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. Tell everybody how to find you and how to find you on Instagram and all that good stuff.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:37:39]:
Yes. Yes. You can find me on Instagram. My name Lee Ann Slotkin, and I’m sure you’ll put it in there because it’s spelled weird, but. And my podcast is mind over medium, and, yeah, that’s where I’m about to be on substack. That’s. I’m getting all that handled. Yeah, I’m pretty excited about.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:37:57]:
I like substack.

Betsy [00:37:58]:
What are you going to do? You’re going to write?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:38:00]:
I, you know, blog. Right. I’m gonna. My podcast will be hosted over there. I’m gonna have some groups over there. Yeah.

Betsy [00:38:10]:
There’s a lot you can do.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:38:11]:
There’s so much. Yeah. I mean, you can. You’ll still be able to listen to the podcast on whatever player, but it will just be hosted there.

Betsy [00:38:18]:
Yeah. So, yeah, I’m about to go on the click clack, the tick tock. I mean, I’ve been on TikTok, and I’ve talked about being on TikTok. In fact, I think the end captain of my podcast, if you guys listen all the way to the end where it says, thanks for listening, find me on TikTok because I had a plan, but I never executed out of fear, but I’m not going to let fear hold me back anymore.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:38:43]:
Why does TikTok feel a little scarier than, like, Instagram or something to you?

Betsy [00:38:47]:
Well, you know, on Instagram, I do. It’s like me walking or, you know what I mean, doing something. And then, and then what it is I want to really talk about is on the screen and then in the caption is a whole bunch of stuff. But I feel like TikTok is quite a bit different because it’s, you got to talk more now. It’s weird because. So maybe we can noodle through this. It’s weird because I can talk like, I’ve done the podcast, but if I don’t do the podcast, like with you, with a guest, I shut my eyes. And so I found it really hard to record because I’d have to have my eyes closed.

Betsy [00:39:27]:
And I know that sounds kind of strange, because at first when I was trying to noodle through it, I was like, is that a concentration thing? But I don’t think that is. You know, I have. I’m going to say it this way, and it’s interesting that I find the need to do a disclaimer here, but I don’t think I’m channeling, but I think I’m really intuitive. And if I can shut my eyes, I can hear a voice. Now it’s. It’s me, but it’s, like, without the garbage.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:40:05]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:40:05]:
So if I can just get really in it, I can just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. So I think my message, I have thought, how am I going to do it? Because I’ll just be there with my eyes closed, which maybe I just put sunglasses on, who knows? But then also, I felt like my message, I need more than, like, 60 seconds or 90 seconds or whatever tiktoks are now. Like, it’s. I feel like sometimes it’s hard for me to explain what I do or what my process or viewpoints are on things because it’s not complicated, but it’s not as simple as saying, does that make sense? And please disagree with me if you think I could do it.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:40:49]:
I mean, it makes sense that your brain’s offering up a bunch of nonsense for why it’s going to be difficult, because it’s new and you’ve not done it, and you have a certain way of doing things that work for you. Got a lot of evidence over here about what’s worked for you. I think you just need to let that be there and do it anyway, because, you know, you’re perfectly capable of figuring this out and whatever the systems are that you need to put a place, like, in place. And I think 60 seconds really is quite a long time to explain yourself, and then you can have a part two and a part three. I mean, I’m sure there are a million ways to work around it, so.

Betsy [00:41:27]:
And I didn’t want to do it the same. You know, I wanted to gear it towards the platform and not do it the same as Instagram, which is more like picture y and videoy and.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:41:35]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:41:36]:
Or TikTok feels more talking.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:41:40]:
I don’t do TikTok. So this is all.

Betsy [00:41:42]:
Do you never. Do you not even, like, do not have the app?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:41:46]:
No.

Betsy [00:41:48]:
So good. I’m glad I haven’t said there’s a trend right now on TikTok where this woman is like, do you see how I’m. And she’s very funny. She’s very funny. She’s trans, and she’s like, do you see how I do this? I’m very demure, very cute. I do this very mindfully, and all of her videos. So now everybody’s doing that. So I’m so glad, because I almost said, it’s very cutesy, very demure.

Betsy [00:42:14]:
You would have been like, what world is it?

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:42:18]:
Okay, weirdo.

Betsy [00:42:20]:
My daughter and I only talk in TikTok. Sounds like. I swear, we don’t have conversations if it doesn’t include, like, a.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:42:26]:
Well, what’s a TikTok sound?

Betsy [00:42:28]:
That’s like the. You know what somebody’s saying, like, there’ll be a clip, right? And then you can reuse the clips of somebody else. So it makes it kind of. It’s fun. If you got on tick tock. Anybody that’s listening to me right now that’s on TikTok is shaking their head going, yes, do it.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:42:46]:
I just. Yeah, I can. Oh, my brain can only handle so much stimulation, so I know my limit.

Betsy [00:42:53]:
Yeah, that’s good.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:42:54]:
Good for you.

Betsy [00:42:55]:
Good for you. I lose half my brain on that thing, but I love it. Time waster.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:43:00]:
That’s a good one. That’s a really good one.

Betsy [00:43:03]:
Well, thanks so much for being here. It was awesome.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:43:07]:
Yeah. Thank you.

Betsy [00:43:08]:
And we’ll see you soon.

Lea Ann Slotkin [00:43:10]:
Thanks. Bye.

Betsy [00:43:13]:
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show, and thank you for sharing the show. With your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when, when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media.

Betsy [00:43:38]:
I’m usually on Instagram starting out on TikTok. It’s just my name, Betsy Paik. And that’s my website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me, just shoot me a DM. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening and I will see you all next week.

Today on the show Betsy connects with Dr. Jonathan Brajtbord, a Urologist and integrative physician and men’s lifestyle expert.
Through the process of doing his own inner work, Dr. Jonathan realized more men need guidance to create a foundation to look at their own life and create fundamental practices to begin to shift and create massive change in their lives, so he created Mens Work: Inner work for professional men and hosts in-person Masculine Embodiment retreats.
Jonathan is of the firm belief that men can grow and change within the context and foundation of the life they have created. it just takes commitment, creativity and a shifting of priorities.
We hope you enjoy this show!
Find Dr. Jonathan here: https://www.instagram.com/jonathanbrajtbord/
and get more info on his offerings here: https://linktr.ee/jbrajtbord

Transcription:

Betsy [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the Art of living Big podcast. My name is Betsy Paik. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy, and I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everybody. Welcome. Welcome to the art of living big.

Betsy [00:00:35]:
I’m really excited today. I know I feel like I always say I’m so excited to be here, but I really am excited because today I have my friend doctor Jonathan Breitboard with us, and I have needed him to come on the show. Like, this has been so necessary for me. So, Jonathan, tell everybody about what you do, and then it will all make sense of why I needed you here.

jonathan brajtbord [00:00:57]:
Perfect. So I am a physician, so I’m a urologist. By training, and through my own kind of personal story issues, kind of whims, and the way the world works, I ended up going on my own journey through personal growth, through men’s work kind of avenues. And over the last, I, I guess, now four years, I’ve created my own course to help men. Essentially, it’s like an intro to inner work for professional men. So my online course is called men’s work inner work for professional men. It’s a seven week online course where we get guys to kind of get back in alignment with who they are, kind of get in touch with their kind of inner self. And that’s kind of the core of what I do outside of being a urologist, I talk to men all day long.

jonathan brajtbord [00:01:45]:
I talk to women who want their men to do inner work all day long as well, too. Um, and so in addition to the online course, I also run a retreat twice a year called fortitude, which is a three day in person retreat. Very small, very intimate for men as well, too.

Betsy [00:01:58]:
So that’s really cool. And you do that where you live in Massachusetts?

jonathan brajtbord [00:02:02]:
Yeah. So we do the in person retreat at our farm in Massachusetts. We use the land we use. We have a lake, we have fields, we have a barn. And so we use the elements in the, in the, you know, nature and in our kind of where we live to get guys grounded back to themselves.

Betsy [00:02:19]:
That’s really cool. What was there a catalyst for you that made you be like, I’m going to do? Well, first of all, I’m going to do this work for myself, and then I’m going to help other people do this work? Like, what was the catalyst to even get it started.

jonathan brajtbord [00:02:33]:
Yeah. I mean, the catalyst for me was really my own personal struggles. Right? So, like, I kept, like, waiting for things to get better, right? So, like, in medical school, I was like, oh, I’ll be better when I graduate medical school and go to residency. And then in residency, I was like, oh, I’ll be better when I finished residency. And that was, like, a six year process. And as a physician, like, we’re used to, like, long timelines, so, like, it would. It took a while.

Betsy [00:02:57]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:02:57]:
And I finally got to the end of all my training, and, like, I looked around like I had, you know, I had a great wife. I had a nice car. We had a nice cow, you know, nice house. I had two kids. I had one on the way. And I’m like, I’m still not happy. Like, what the hell am I missing here? And it really took, like, a breaking point almost in my marriage and in myself to kind of start me down this, like, inner work, personal growth journey, if you will. And then along the way, I met incredible men, and I am very grateful for the sacred Sons organization, which is kind of where I got started in a lot of this.

jonathan brajtbord [00:03:33]:
And I looked around, and there were not a lot of resources for professional men who were doing this work. And so, you know, my wife being who she is, she’s like, well, that’s because it’s for you to do. I’m like, shit. But she was right.

Betsy [00:03:48]:
I.

jonathan brajtbord [00:03:48]:
And so I’ve really, over the last, you know, three and a half years, I’ve run this course, and it’s really just like a compilation of my own journey through, you know, working with therapists, working with coaches, working on courses, um, and put together, you know, this course, this offering for men who, you know, we have men who are lawyers and business people and finance people other way from, like, carpenters and, you know, plumbers doing this work. And it’s all men who are looking for a little bit more out of their life, and they don’t know where to get started.

Betsy [00:04:19]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:04:19]:
And I kind of see myself as a accessible, normal guy kind of doing this work and try to have that be related to men.

Betsy [00:04:27]:
Yeah, you’re like a Sherpa that doesn’t look like a guru. You know what I mean?

jonathan brajtbord [00:04:33]:
Like, you’re not like, oh, yeah, exactly. And I couldn’t see what I could relate to as well. Right. I mean, there was a few here and there, but I didn’t find people who I could identify with. I couldn’t find men who were doing this work. Who, you know, were married, who had kids, who had another.

Betsy [00:04:48]:
And the career that you have, too, like, so, like, you understand the pressure of all of the family things, right. Cause that is a pressure. And then of having a career that really takes a lot of focus.

jonathan brajtbord [00:05:01]:
Yeah. And it was. I had to try to balance, like, what is, you know, what’s the growth piece, what’s my own work, and how do I reconcile, you know, this inner work piece with also providing for a family, also being a husband, being a dad to three young kids. And what those pressures are. Like. A lot of my mentors and teachers just didn’t have those same pressures.

Betsy [00:05:22]:
Right. Yeah, yeah. You know, it’s. I’m pulling off a post it from group, from when I had group with my ladies last week, and somebody said, well, when I do that, then I can be happy. And I actually wrote it down because I thought that’s. I think that is the thing. Right. And that’s what I’m hearing you say is, like, okay, as soon as that happens, then I’ll be.

Betsy [00:05:44]:
Then it’ll be. Then it’ll be. But I then never comes.

jonathan brajtbord [00:05:47]:
No, it never ends. Right. And, like, that’s what I had to realize is, like, I had all of a sudden reached that point and, like, what the fuck?

Betsy [00:05:55]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:05:56]:
And so it just really threw me for a loop and, you know, really kind of. Kind of pulled me down this journey.

Betsy [00:06:02]:
Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I have a lot of questions for you. I have a lot of questions for you. One of them is, are you a swiftie?

jonathan brajtbord [00:06:12]:
Oh, absolutely. With my wife and two daughters, who are essentially nine and six. Yes, for sure.

Betsy [00:06:18]:
Okay, so we can continue. We can continue this interview. Okay, so then here’s what I think. Cause I write two women every single day on instagram.

jonathan brajtbord [00:06:28]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:06:28]:
And there was a time, in fact, I did a show on it about hate on the gram. There was a time where a lot of men were really hating on me. Now, I had a lot of posts at that time going super viral. Like eight, 9 million views.

jonathan brajtbord [00:06:41]:
Yeah.

Betsy [00:06:42]:
So I think that was a component of it. But I also think a component of it was that I didn’t have a nervous system that was adapted, so I was really touchy. So if anybody put something, I would take it as being really mean. But also, it may not have been as mean, because when I healed that stuff, I noticed a shift that the comments I get from men are now more curious, interesting than mean. Right. So the only thing that changed, really, is. Is me. So I’m pretty sure.

Betsy [00:07:14]:
But what I found was men I don’t think have any guidance. And I want you to riff on this, but I think that the patriarchy created an experience for men that doesn’t allow them to access their inner guidance system, their emotions. Right. To be able to guide them. And so they’re, like, constipated from it. And then when they see something that they could go. That’s why. Because you’re saying this, right.

Betsy [00:07:51]:
Then they, like, attach to it. But to me, it feels like a huge cry for help. Tell me your thought on that.

jonathan brajtbord [00:08:00]:
Yeah, I mean, I think men don’t know why they’re nothing happier than they do. They treat themselves. Yeah, of course we do. Of course we do.

Betsy [00:08:11]:
All the time. They’re like, my husband says he’s fine, but there’s no way. Right?

jonathan brajtbord [00:08:15]:
No. We. We fool ourselves. I fooled myself for years. Right. And then it comes out in other behaviors. Right. It comes out in drinking too much.

jonathan brajtbord [00:08:21]:
It comes out in, you know, or even eating too much, not taking care of ourselves. Right. All these, like, bad behaviors. Drugs, you know, addiction to porn. Right. All of these bad, bad behaviors. Right. They’re just outlets of our own suppressed emotions that we are not able or feel comfortable how to access.

jonathan brajtbord [00:08:38]:
Right. They don’t have spaces for men to be able to hold them in a container. Right. So then they go to their partners, which is not a healthy dynamic, either, to have your only person be your partner trying to hold space for you and processing your bad day or processing these big emotions. So we stuff it down or it comes out in these kind of sideways behaviors. But, yeah, we don’t know why we’re not feeling as happy as we think we should. Because for a lot of the men I work with, they have all this hourly success. Right.

jonathan brajtbord [00:09:08]:
But something is missing. And I would argue that the thing that they’re missing is the inner work or the thing that they’re missing is the connection with themselves and how they see and view the world around them. The changes that I help men go through. Right. It’s not like. It’s not super profound. It’s not as if, like. And I really.

jonathan brajtbord [00:09:27]:
I really desperately believe that men don’t have to go off and, like, neglect their responsibilities and stop being a husband, stop being a father, go live in Bali for six months to find their inner peace. Right. You have to be able to do within the context of your life, within the responsibilities that you have, because ultimately, like, you’re responsible. Right. And I think that’s a lot of the piece of it is that men we don’t feel we haven’t claimed that responsibility in our life. Right. Life just kind of happens to us, and the. Nothing can be further from the truth.

jonathan brajtbord [00:09:56]:
Right. You have to claim that responsibility because we are responsible 100% for the reality that we create, good or bad. But until you acknowledge that, until you recognize that, you’re always playing in this victim mentality. Right. And so that’s just an excuse. You know, I believe it’s an excuse for abdicating your responsibilities, for stepping away from connection, for not meeting your partner where they want to be met. Right. And so it just fuels this constant, like, shirking of responsibilities and not living to your fullest potential.

Betsy [00:10:24]:
Yeah, that makes so much sense. And I think that, you know, we do cope in different ways. Right. We fill the void by having to have, you know, women. We see it with this, like, moms and wine thing that we all see, like, the memes or whatever, you know? And I get it. It’s funny, but, like, there is, like, an undercurrent of, like, I have to in order to chill out, because I don’t know how to do that on my own, and I need relief. And I think people go to a lot of different things. I’ve done it.

Betsy [00:10:53]:
Like, I am not, you know, I’m no better than any of the other wino moms out there. But, like, I think that when you start to learn other ways, it creates a huge shift. Now, here’s what I think is it feels to me. You correct me if I’m wrong, but it feels like women have been on this path, and I think there’s a huge momentum right now in terms of women really showing up and claiming their power. Right.

jonathan brajtbord [00:11:17]:
For sure.

Betsy [00:11:17]:
Your wife’s part. Your wife’s a leader in that.

jonathan brajtbord [00:11:20]:
Yep.

Betsy [00:11:21]:
Tell people who your wife is.

jonathan brajtbord [00:11:23]:
Yeah. So my wife is Sarah Jenks. So she has been an entrepreneur for the last, oh, God, I don’t know, 15 plus years, and has really been on her own journey and is out there, you know, she’s a ordained priestess. She leads, you know, sacred feminine spirituality retreats and is really, you know, claiming the sacred feminine and trying to normalize what that means for women in their lives and bring it into their everyday life. So you can imagine, like, our life is, you know, very big and very full with, you know, the power of the feminine. And I had to realize, like, shit, if I’m not able to show up.

Betsy [00:11:57]:
Yeah, that’s such a good point. Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:12:00]:
And then, I mean, that was pretty much, like, at the. One of the breaking points of our marriage. Like Sarah was, you know, deeply desiring this, you know, level of connection that, quite frankly, I had no idea how to do.

Betsy [00:12:12]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:12:13]:
But it was like, in that request and when she was able to express that emotion to me, not just like, you know, hey, I want this and, you know, demanding it, but really the emotion of it, I had to realize, well, either shit, like, I’m going to lose her or I’m going to have to step up myself and learn how to hold the masculine container and be able to hold the presence for the feminine energy. And that’s been a big part of my work, is to help men understand how to do that. So it’s been big.

Betsy [00:12:43]:
Tell me. And I love this because I do think when women start doing the work, and I say this to the women in my program, by, like, week six or seven in my program, you’ll start to notice your husband may be showing up differently. Right. And so much of that is because if he is able to rise to her standard, her standards are changing. And so it creates an obviousness, right. Of like, oh, this person’s up leveling, and we want to be around people that are, like, going somewhere.

jonathan brajtbord [00:13:12]:
Sure. Yeah.

Betsy [00:13:13]:
And I think that’s a struggle with women. So they’re looking for men that are going somewhere. Go ahead. You were going to say something good.

jonathan brajtbord [00:13:19]:
Yeah, no, absolutely. And I think, unfortunately, at least this was the case for me. Like, I was like, okay, I up leveled. I’m good. Check. Right? And then the reality is, is that I had to come to terms over the last, you know, 18 months, two years, even longer. Sometimes it’s like it’s never, it’s just a process, right? It never is a destination. It’s a orientation.

jonathan brajtbord [00:13:40]:
It’s a mindset that you’re constantly growing, you’re constantly evolving and changing. Because I tried to apply to my old mindset, which was like, you know, the physician med school, like, check the box. Okay, we’re done. We’ve done this. But the reality is, like, as soon as you reach a new height, like, it’s the next one. And for some men, that’s very daunting. And it feels like, oh, fuck, well, I’m never going to be good enough, right? But I think that’s like, you know, if you want to use the word patriarchal, like, system, like, that’s that old mentality. Whereas, look, like, I’m on this path of growth.

jonathan brajtbord [00:14:12]:
I’m on this path of kind of continuing to figure out who I am and how I can connect with my partner in deeper ways. And I’m along for the ride, and I’m open to it. And, like, it’s a subtle shift, but it’s a hugely important one to be able to continue to connect to women who are, like, in your community, who are. Not only are they opening up, but they’re continuing to grow.

Betsy [00:14:31]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:14:31]:
So they are looking for, I would imagine, partners to help, you know, not to help, but to be along that journey with them.

Betsy [00:14:38]:
Right, right. You know, one of the things that I think makes patriarchy, racism, all of these systemic things that we have in our life embedded in our lives. And I. I believe, like, with the patriarchy, like, I have misogyny in me. Like, I’ll see it come out sometime, right. And I’ll be like, oh, my God, why do I. Why do I think that thing, like, what is it that I think about being old and women that are older? Like, why am I. And so really questioning some of that stuff.

Betsy [00:15:06]:
Yeah, but I’m curious for you, because you must have it, too, or have had it. Right. Like we all do, but with that feeling of women are supposed to do certain things in a relationship. Right. How have you shifted in that? Because you have a really strong wife, and I don’t mean to keep bringing up your wife because this is about you, but I think that. Yeah, it’s part of it. Right. And I think that, especially with somebody like that, do you think that helped you to move in a way that you saw things differently, or do you think it was something else? Was it somebody else that had an impact on you?

jonathan brajtbord [00:15:48]:
Well, I think. I mean, I think Sarah was a huge part of it is the reality. Because, you know, I grew up in Texas, right? So I grew up very much in the south, like, you know, old fashioned american, you know, family. Like, my dad went to work. My mom was a stay at home mom. And so there was part of me that just for lack of a better word, assumed that that was going to be the case. You know, maybe not. We were married at first because we had kids a couple years later, but then it was just a kind of whole reorientation around, how does a woman show up as a wife, right? And who am I to tell my wife what to do about how to live her life? And it’s like, you know, she’s incredibly strong, incredibly powerful.

jonathan brajtbord [00:16:30]:
You know, why. What right do I have to tell her that she should do this and she should do that? And so it’s really. It’s just taken, like, questioning things, I think, being open to the idea of, like, oh, why do I think that, right? Or why is that, like, my bias? Or why is that, like, my default reaction?

Betsy [00:16:48]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:16:48]:
So staying open to that question, and then, you know, kudos to women like you and women like Sarah who are, like, just continuing to be like, no. Like, they’re going to do what they want to do come hell or high water. And, like, I think that’s incredibly powerful. Right. There’s nothing wrong with women staying at home. There’s nothing wrong with women working. The idea, at least for me, is that people should be able to choose, right.

Betsy [00:17:11]:
And to know what’s really their choice, as opposed to, like, I’m supposed to do this thing, right.

jonathan brajtbord [00:17:17]:
This conditioning that we have, right. And men have it, women have it, right. Like, the societal, cultural conditioning that we have, it’s beginning to question those things. And that can be really powerful once you start paying attention to those.

Betsy [00:17:29]:
Right. One of the things that I really liked when I started following you and I, you know, I was really watching, because a lot of times, I mean, I get men that ask me all the time and women that ask me for their men, like, you know, who can you tell me about? Who can you send me to? And I had some friends that said, oh, I know my husband’s best friend went to this guy, and I would go and look, and I was like, that guy’s, like, standing in front of his rented Ferrari. Like, I. Do you know what I mean? Where? I was like, I don’t. That’s not what I’m looking for. Tell me what you think about this whole, like, what makes you and your program. And I can see it, but I want you to describe it, like, different from when we think of toxic masculinity. Because masculinity in itself isn’t inherently bad.

Betsy [00:18:17]:
Femininity isn’t bad. I believe we all have both. Right. So tell me what your thoughts are on that.

jonathan brajtbord [00:18:24]:
Yeah, I mean, so I think one of the things that my program differentiates and what I do, you know, first of all, I think, as we kind of alluded to, right? Like, I’m a normal ex college athlete, professional guy who’s trying to get the most out of my life. And I think a lot of men can relate to that. As opposed to, like, the flashy Ferrari, the helicopter, the ski trip, the this, the that. Like, that’s nothing. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. And I think it’s something that I learned through sacred sons was trying to help men connect, like, their heads and their hearts right. And so it’s like, how can we make those connections so that we can live in integrity, so that we can live in balance? And I think, you know, and show up.

jonathan brajtbord [00:19:06]:
Like, I truly believe that men, like, you know, desire to show up as their best selves for themselves. But also, like, I’m a big believer in, like, showing up as your best self to support your partner. Right. To be the best father that you can be. And so it’s when you’re in alignment as a man with that sense, then you’re able to hold the container for the feminine. Then you’re. Then you’re able to hold the container for your kids in a much healthier way. And so I think it’s that shift as opposed, like, look how much money I make or look what kind of nice, fancy tool, like cars and toys that I have.

jonathan brajtbord [00:19:38]:
Like, that’s not.

Betsy [00:19:39]:
Because then that’s. That’s still the same path as, like, the checking the boxes and.

jonathan brajtbord [00:19:44]:
Correct.

Betsy [00:19:44]:
Right. Yeah, yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:19:45]:
You know, because you’re not, again, you can buy all the fancy cars, but again, until you’re doing that work for yourself, until you’re actually in alignment, you know, it’s not going to be as fulfilling.

Betsy [00:19:55]:
That’s the thing. Right. The fancy car isn’t the problem.

jonathan brajtbord [00:19:58]:
No, no. Money. Money doesn’t. Yeah, money doesn’t make you, you know, happier, doesn’t make you more or less of a man. Right. It just amplifies who you are inside.

Betsy [00:20:09]:
Yeah, yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:20:10]:
And so, yeah.

Betsy [00:20:11]:
And if you’re distant and lonely and not fully satisfied, you’re just going to be a distant, lonely, not satisfied person with some money.

jonathan brajtbord [00:20:18]:
Right?

Betsy [00:20:19]:
Yeah, yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:20:20]:
Again, most people think, like, oh, when I have the money, then I’ll be happy, or when I have the money, then I’ll make time for this and, like, yeah, I’ve seen in my own life, like, when you actually stop that circus and on that carousel and you take a step back and are able to actually do the work for yourself.

Betsy [00:20:36]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:20:36]:
You know, first of all, abundance tends to flow much more because you’re more in alignment. Right. You’re able to receive more, and you’re able to hold so much better space for your partner. They’re able to be more in flow, they’re able to be more abundant. And your kids are thriving in that environment, too.

Betsy [00:20:50]:
Yeah. Yeah. What do you think is the hardest shift for men that come through your program to make? Like, what’s the big thing? Like, I know in my program, it’s like, when they get how their unconscious works and how much is really available to them that they just really don’t see, you know? So that idea of they’re really creating their reality, I think that’s like one of the, when they really get it, you know what I mean?

jonathan brajtbord [00:21:13]:
For sure.

Betsy [00:21:14]:
What would you say, Jeff?

jonathan brajtbord [00:21:15]:
Well, I think it’s two things, right? So the hardest thing for men, and, you know, I’m sure you’ve seen this in the partners of the women in your program, is just getting them in the door. Right. Just getting them to believe that they are a worth the effort, that what they’re doing is worth their time. Right. And so when they have that initial buying already, shifts start to happen. And then I think when they start taking responsibility for their life and they start seeing how they can relate to their partner different, their kids different, and they can shift, when we have that presence. Right. That full, undivided attention into whatever they’re doing, then they can make different decisions.

jonathan brajtbord [00:21:54]:
Right. We start responding instead of reacting. Right. And so it’s like, you know, and in order to do that, you have to, like, you know, calm yourself, learn how to, like, ground. I do a lot of work in the beginning of the course about, you know, visualizations of grounding and being kind of that rock, that container, that kind of masculine energy. And when men start to understand that, then they can respond in a different way. Right. They’re not as reactive, they’re not as explosive.

jonathan brajtbord [00:22:19]:
They can choose how they respond. And I think that’s a huge thing for, for them in their life.

Betsy [00:22:24]:
Yeah, I love that. And I think, you know, you said something about how them actually just taking the step to get in the program. Like, I always think that, too, with the women. Like, they’re at this, like, precipice when we’re on the phone, right. They set an appointment with me and they do with you because they want something different. But when they’re at the precipice, it’s a very specific kind of person who’s willing to, like, take that step and choose themselves because I always feel like it’s, they’re not choosing me or not choosing me. They’re choosing them. It can be a scary thing.

Betsy [00:22:57]:
It’s a special kind of person that does it well.

jonathan brajtbord [00:22:59]:
It’s super scary. It’s super vulnerable, right. Because you’re kind of acknowledging, number one, that things aren’t as good as you thought they were. Right. And you’re putting yourself out there to do some of the work to begin to shift those things and like, oh, my God, what if this, this and this. And this happens, right? What if I have to leave my partner? What happens if I have to step away? All these kind of cascade of events that, you know, start to take place in their mind, and that’s that kind of fear of failure or fear of rejection that people kind of holds people back.

Betsy [00:23:31]:
Do you think men come to you because they’re unhappy in their marriage, or do they come to you because they just don’t feel fulfilled in their life?

jonathan brajtbord [00:23:38]:
They. Most of the time, they use their relationship. The relationship is really kind of the thing that gets them there.

Betsy [00:23:43]:
Yeah, it’s the mirror, right?

jonathan brajtbord [00:23:45]:
Yeah, it’s the mirror, right? Or, like, you know, because I have. I have men. Whenever, you know, we have men do. Whenever we do the online course, I have men, like, fill out a little bit of, like, a questionnaire, like, you know, why they’re here on this stuff.

Betsy [00:23:54]:
Yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:23:55]:
And I would say 80% of the time, it’s, they want a better marriage. They want a better relationship, which is actually really beautiful like, that.

Betsy [00:24:01]:
They’re.

jonathan brajtbord [00:24:02]:
They’re seeking more of connection. But what they miss and what I help them understand is you can’t have a better relationship and marriage until you have a better relationship with yourself first has to start here, and that’s. That’s the way to then go on and get a better relationship or marriage.

Betsy [00:24:18]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, good. What. What. What question haven’t I asked that you feel like, I really want people to know this? Don’t you hate it when people. Whenever I’m on a podcast and someone asks that, I’m like, why are you putting me on the spot? You didn’t even tell me you were gonna say this.

jonathan brajtbord [00:24:33]:
No, I mean, um, you know, I think, well, the hardest thing, and I don’t have an answer for it, it’s like, how do you convince men of the value in this work? Right? So, like, yeah, that is the hardest part. Right? I have. You know, I have women message me, you know, all the time asking, well, how do I convince my partner to do this work? How do I convince him that this is important? And the reality is, you can’t. Right. I mean, I’m sure you see this in the work with the women. You can’t convince anybody that they need this work. Right. What I try to always explain to them is, like, show them the emotion behind the desire.

jonathan brajtbord [00:25:11]:
Right? Explain to them the emotion behind the desire for a deeper connection. What are your actually feelings behind it? Because I do feel like that most men can relate to their partner’s emotional bodies and like, that tends to soften them a little bit. At least it softens me when Sarah access those emotions and I’m able to relate to those requests on that level.

Betsy [00:25:34]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. I think you’re right. Like, we can’t make anybody do anything right. We can only do things for ourselves, change ourselves. But I do think when we change, then other people change around us because they have to. And I think if somebody’s listening and you really want your partner to find out more about this, you know, send them the show, for one thing, have them listen. Be like, I want you to have.

Betsy [00:25:56]:
Listen to Doctor Jonathan. And I think, too, is that really being vulnerable? Like, I want you to be vulnerable, so I have to be vulnerable in order to request that. And I think there’s something really powerful. You know, this is so silly and probably not totally related, but I said to my husband, he comes in and he puts his briefcase on the kitchen table, but that’s where we eat. And, like, where you’re, you know, he’s an attorney, so he’s in prison sometime. Like, I’m like, where’s the briefcase? And I don’t know, but I know when I eat my dinner, I think about where it’s been. So I said to him, you know, can you move? Can you not put your suit, your briefcase there? And he said, yeah, but, you know, the next day it was there, and the next day it was there. Not because he was trying to ruin my life, but because he just was a habit, and the table’s right there and it’s convenient.

Betsy [00:26:47]:
And so I said to him, can I just share something with you? I said, if you love me. That’s really what I said. If you love me, you will just listen to this request. But I want to tell you why. Because I hadn’t told him why, but I really said, like, when I just, like, when I sit down with you and I want to be able to eat and not feel like, you know, it sounds so silly, but just being really open about why and what I was feeling and what I was thinking about when we were. It’s not been on the table since.

jonathan brajtbord [00:27:19]:
There you go.

Betsy [00:27:20]:
Not once.

jonathan brajtbord [00:27:21]:
Yeah, because you express your emotion to it. Right. You explain the underlying feeling behind it.

Betsy [00:27:26]:
Instead of saying, like, get your thing up. I mean, I tried that, but it doesn’t work, right?

jonathan brajtbord [00:27:32]:
It doesn’t work. No. And I think, you know, women never change, tend to never change their strategy. They just get more and more frustrated with it.

Betsy [00:27:39]:
That’s the thing. Yes. And then all of a sudden you’re a nag. Right. But you’re going about it the wrong way. Yeah, correct.

jonathan brajtbord [00:27:45]:
So I think really connecting with the emotion behind is great. I mean, Sarah used to do something similar with me, right? So, like, I would come home dressed in, like, whatever I was seeing patients in the office, and, like, she could feel all of the patients, all of the hospital, all the office on me. And she’s like, can you change? And I was like, you know, first I was like, you know, fine, whatever. But then I got out of the habit. I kind of defaulted back into just coming home, like, trying to dive into the. To work. And it wasn’t until she again explained that she wanted to connect with me. Leave the office in the office and leave the hospital there.

jonathan brajtbord [00:28:16]:
You know, we kind of get to what’s actually underneath the requests.

Betsy [00:28:19]:
Yeah, yeah. I love that. I love that. So people can send people this podcast, but tell them how they can find you. And I’ll have all of this in the show notes, too, but just tell them in case they’re just listening.

jonathan brajtbord [00:28:30]:
Awesome. So, yeah, so my Instagram handle is Jonathan Breitboard, which will spell for you below because it’s very.

Betsy [00:28:36]:
I’m going to spell it right now because I want people to know this is not easy. But also, if you’ve been here a while, I want you to be so proud of me for really saying the name right. Because, you know, I have a thing with this. It’s breitboard, but it’s spelled bratjtbrajt and then b o r d. I like it, though. It’s a little different.

jonathan brajtbord [00:28:57]:
It’s very different.

Betsy [00:28:59]:
Okay, so tell them again. So the whole Instagram handle is Jonathan.

jonathan brajtbord [00:29:02]:
Breitboard, and then my website is Jonathan Breitboard.com. and there you can find links to the menswear course, which is that seven week online course. Again, we’re also running fortitude, which is our three day retreat coming up. We have a date in October and then a date in February. So those are coming up. And so that’s kind of how you can read about me and my story. I’m very transparent about the journey that I’ve been on and kind of the trials and tribulations that I’ve had with Sarah, with my wife, and kind of who I am today and what I kind of stand for.

Betsy [00:29:32]:
So I love it. And if you guys are listening to this and you’re like, oh, well, this was, this is an old episode. This was recorded last year. You can go to your website, right? And just get on your mail list, and then when things open up and get on the mail list as a woman, and then when it opens up, then you can start dropping hints to whoever needs to have the hints, right. Then you can be ready.

jonathan brajtbord [00:29:54]:
There you go. It’s funny, I just had a conversation with a woman about, like, you know, dropping the hints and things like that, you know, I think dropping the hints are one way to do it. I think the other way to do it.

Betsy [00:30:04]:
Be direct.

jonathan brajtbord [00:30:05]:
Be direct. Right. But again, it’s. It’s not like I want you to do this. It’s like I’m desiring this. Right? I’m desiring a deeper connection. I think this is one way for us to get there. And, like, it’s us, right? It’s not yet there.

jonathan brajtbord [00:30:18]:
It’s us to get there.

Betsy [00:30:20]:
Yeah. Yeah. And I want you to consider, like, I think, yeah, that’s, you know. Yeah, yeah.

jonathan brajtbord [00:30:26]:
Because Sarah used to, all the time, she would, like, leave me a book and be like, here, read this, or, like, you know, do this, do that. And, like, again, for a man, at least for me, it felt very demasculating. Right? It’s like I couldn’t. I didn’t have agency over my own self, like, make my own decisions. And so when Sarah took a step back but trusted me to kind of do that work and try to, you know, have the resources that are there, and I’m the resource. I’m the resource for a lot of men.

Betsy [00:30:49]:
So, yeah, I. Yeah, that’s good. This is great. Thank you so much for taking time and coming on the show. Now when everybody messages me, I know right where to send them. So I appreciate you, and thanks for being here.

jonathan brajtbord [00:31:01]:
Thanks for having me.

Betsy [00:31:05]:
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show, and thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media. I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on TikTok.

Betsy [00:31:35]:
It’s just my name, Betsy Paik. And that’s my website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me, just shoot me a DM. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening and I will see you all next week.

Hey there! Ever feel like you’re your own worst critic?
This episode’s got your back. Betsy is diving into the nitty-gritty of self-love and why it’s so important, about societal expectations and how they mess with our heads and she gives five killer strategies to boost your self-love game.

Whether you’re dealing with tough decisions or just trying to navigate life’s rollercoaster, this episode’s packed with practical tips to help you show yourself some serious love and grace. Trust us, it’s a game-changer! -Lauren

In this podcast episode, Betsy Pake gets real about how our childhood experiences can seriously shape our adult lives. She opens up about her own story and shares how the patterns and expectations from her younger years influenced her behavior and emotional regulation way into adulthood. Betsy dives deep into the major role our nervous system plays in setting our comfort zones and how we react to life’s curveballs. She dishes out a game-changing roadmap for busting through limiting beliefs and rewiring our nervous system to match what we truly want. By the end, you’ll feel empowered to break free from those sneaky subconscious patterns and live a life that’s more authentic and fulfilling

Transcript:

Betsy [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the art of Living big podcast. My name’s Betsy Paik. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Welcome to the art of Living big to this week’s episode. So, what are we going to talk about today? What are we going to talk about today? I don’t know, but it’s going to come to me, and it will be perfection when it does.

Betsy [00:00:45]:
So I’ve got a couple things. I’m just going to start sharing a few things, and we’ll kind of see where it leads. The beautiful thing is, I can just erase it if it’s not what I want. So here we are. I’m still suffering from my birds, so if you’ve been here for a little while, I had these birds nest on my porch, which I thought was going to be so great. And the birds finally flew away. The babies have gone and are living their best life, but they left behind bugs. They left behind bugs.

Betsy [00:01:20]:
And I honestly haven’t even been able to go out on my porch in a week. I’m so next year, when the birds come, I’m gonna be so mean. I’m gonna. I’m gonna put some birdhouses out so they have another place to go. But I’m gonna be aggressive in protecting my space because it. We got mites. Bird mites. I’m gonna completely gross you out.

Betsy [00:01:44]:
But we got these mites, and they’re microscopic. I’m gonna tell you some facts about mites, because I have researched. But bird mites, like, the kind of mites that are in bird nests and all of that, they’re so tiny, I can’t even begin to tell you how tiny. You can feel them on your hand, but you can’t see them. You have to, like, look so close. And they have legs that really. Only they’re really geared towards grabbing onto feathers and not skin. Even saying the word skin grossed me out, and they need bird blood, so they’re like vampires, only for birds, so they won’t live, but they’ll get on you and they’ll bite you.

Betsy [00:02:32]:
I can’t even tell you how disgusting. I would feel them. I’d feel them and I would be like, once I saw them and I knew they were there, then when I would go out, I sprayed everything. I mean, I’m talking. I just want you to know, as you’re thinking, like, why didn’t you clean it? I’m telling you, I have cleaned, I have sprayed, I have done dish soap. I have, like, all the things, okay? All the things. I’m itching just telling you about this, so. But I would.

Betsy [00:03:00]:
I would do all these things, and then a couple days would go by, and I would sit out there, and then I would be like, oh, my God. I can feel them. Like, I can feel them, like, all over my body. And I’d have to go take a shower, and then I’d be like, I must have got them off me. And then, like, hours later, I would get all these red marks on me. So, like, they were biting me. I. Oh, my God.

Betsy [00:03:22]:
I mean, are you still listening? Because you’re probably like, what the hell is she telling us this for? I. It has just been. This has been the thing that has, like, sucked up my life over the past two weeks. So I’m really hopeful that the mites have now dispersed. I think they’re probably dead. I went out two days ago and looked, and I think I got, like, one little one on my hand, but it not. Like it was. So I was like, I think they’re dying off.

Betsy [00:03:49]:
I have exterminated myself, slathered myself in all kinds of repellents of every kind. Anyway, if. If you live someplace where you’re like, oh, I’m excited. We’re getting birds nest. Just heed this warning. Let this stay in your brain for years to come if you see a bird’s nest being built, just. I’m not saying, like, I don’t want to be mean to the birds. Right? I mean, I was excited about it, right? But I will get birdhouses.

Betsy [00:04:18]:
That’s what I’m gonna do, is I’m gonna have a whole village of birdhouses available for them in my yard. So that’s. That’s the update on the birds. If you’ve been here for a little while or you followed along on my instagram, one of the things I’ve been really working on in this summer, one of my focuses. I’m not going to say a goal, because a goal sounds so, like, specific, but one of my focuses is to make some friends real life. So I have had a lot of friends in my life. I have friends from high school that I still see and keep in touch with. I mean, when I make a friend, I keep a friend.

Betsy [00:05:03]:
But, you know, we moved during COVID I moved into the city in Atlanta during COVID and I haven’t really found my people around here. I have a couple friends that live nearby me, but not close enough friends to really do stuff. And I feel like I’ve asked, like, do you want to do something? And they’ll say, oh, I would, but I can’t. And so you only ask a few times, right? And then you’re like, I’m not going to ask anymore, but I’ve got to make new friends. So this summer, one of my focuses is on making new friends. So one of the things that I did was our community has a Facebook group, and I joined the Facebook group, and I started, like, scanning for things that I could do with people. So one of the things was there was, like, a community cleanup in the cemetery. Okay? So we have, like, an old historic cemetery near us.

Betsy [00:05:58]:
And, you know, if you’ve been here before, you’ve heard me talk about how I live in Atlanta, in east Atlanta in, like, an old neighborhood, and there’s this historic cemetery. And so I got, like, where I saw this. It’s gonna be this cleanup. I mean, it’s. It said on the sign. Also, they had a sign on the cemetery because I drove by to see the sign. It said, we’ll have snacks. So I was like, this is absolutely the event for me.

Betsy [00:06:25]:
I show up on Saturday, and there’s, like, nobody there. There’s, like, one older man, which I’m not opposed to having a friend that’s an older man. But it wasn’t really what I was looking for. And he was weed whacking, and that was it. There was nobody there, not even the snack person. So I kind of abandoned that mission, and then I was like, well, there’s got to be a better way, a different way for me. And so I have joined this app that connects you for dinner. So basically it puts you with five other friends.

Betsy [00:07:02]:
I’m using air quotes because they’re not your friends yet, but they will be supposedly after you have dinner. So there’s six of you total. And the app, like, it’s a paid app, but they ask you all these questions, right? So, like, about what kind of food you like and how much money you’d want to spend. And do you like talking about politics or not? Do you like this or not this? Do you want this or this? And it just kind of narrows down to give you people. Okay, so I did it. I paid my $26 for the month to see what I thought. And I’m going to dinner tomorrow night. So Wednesday night.

Betsy [00:07:41]:
So if you are listening to this on Wednesday. Check my stories because I’ll be posting on Instagram. But I’ve got paired. I will find out tonight. So the app, like, unveils who else is going to be there 24 hours before, and then the restaurant is. They let you know the restaurant the day before, like, the morning before. And so I’ll know the restaurant tomorrow. And then you meet up, and they give you, like, a game.

Betsy [00:08:08]:
Like, probably an icebreaker, right? You know, I am going. So I. So I’m taking. I’m taking action, bold action, stepping forward, doing the thing that I would need to do to be able to find the people. I’m in my fifties, right? But I don’t feel like my energy is in my fifties. And so I want to find other people who are like me that their energy isn’t necessarily in their fifties, but they are. Right. Like, their kids are grown and moved out or whatever that looks like.

Betsy [00:08:39]:
So I am going tomorrow, and I feel like. Yeah, I feel really good about it. I’m excited. There’s a part of me that’s a little apprehensive. Like, I don’t know. You know, I’m not necessarily. I wouldn’t think of myself necessarily as an extrovert, historically. Although when I look back when I was a kid, I think I was really extroverted.

Betsy [00:09:03]:
So part of me feels like over the years, I’ve just kind of closed off, and maybe that impacted my ability to find the right people that were my people. So I’m noticing now where I’m closing up, and I’m noticing where I’m not expanding into who I really am. Okay, so now this is what we’re going to talk about today. So maybe that’s, like, you. Maybe you’re like, when I was younger, I feel like I was pretty extroverted. And maybe you feel extroverted around certain people. Right. I have thought, you know, it’s when we’re in a safe place or in an environment where we feel comfortable, where we are more of ourselves.

Betsy [00:09:49]:
And I think as we’re more of ourselves, we probably open up more and share more. One of the things, and this is what I want to talk about, is I have noticed that I will do this. This thing. I’m going to explain the thing, and then I’m going to talk about how it shows up for me and what I’m doing about it. Because you may do something similar, and it leads into this, like, extroversion. Introversion. But it’s also about being seen and wanting to close off and historically, over the last decade, I have had my coaching business since 2012. It’s been a long time, and it’s been a huge part of my life.

Betsy [00:10:31]:
I mean, the work that I do is truly, like, I’ve dedicated my life to doing this work with other people and with myself. So it’s not a small thing, but I noticed, have noticed over the past ten years and probably eight years, like, with Instagram, I will show myself until a point where suddenly I feel like there’s. I’m showing too much. And by too much specifically, I mean, like, it’s. It’s overkill. Like, I don’t want to. I start feeling like I’m viewing myself through somebody else’s eyes, and that person is saying, why are you. Why.

Betsy [00:11:15]:
Why is it all about you? Why do you. Why do you have to be the center of attention? Why do you like? Which is so silly. Okay, it’s so silly. But I start to view my self through that. Now, that frame, that lens isn’t my lens, and I certainly don’t think it’s the lens of, like, the deepest part of me. Like, my soul. Right? Like, the deepest, deepest inner knower of me, I don’t think is like, oh, you want to be the center of attention. Stop acting, stop sharing, you know, stop acting out or whatever it is that I’m hearing in my.

Betsy [00:11:51]:
In my head. And so when that happens, I instinctively just start to shrink up. So I instinctively, like, don’t post as much or really temper myself if I’m out and about and I feel like, oh, my God, you’re talking too much, I’ll shrink back and I’ll not share as much. Or if I feel like, with a friend, maybe I’ve said too much stuff, or I’m not. If I’m going through something or I have things I want to share with them, and I’m not asking enough about that. Like, it is this whole mind screwery, right? That’s not real. It’s not real. And maybe you have this, too.

Betsy [00:12:31]:
I mean, I think some people might call it anxiety, but I don’t feel anxious. I just feel overexposed. And so I have noticed that this has been happening, and I have had a lot of up levels in my life and my business. And over the past year, I’ve done a lot of really intensive work in order to be seen. Nervous system regulation. It’s the work I do with my clients so that they can take bold action and step forward. Right. So I’m doing that work myself, which is how I know that it creates a shift in what is comfortable for your nervous system.

Betsy [00:13:11]:
You know, when we talk about, like, you’re living outside your comfort zone, you know, you got to push outside your comfort zone. I always kind of hated that because I was like, I mean, I would always think, I’m fine outside my comfort zone. I’ll take risks. And in a lot of ways, that’s true. I’m totally fine with failure. And maybe you are, too, where you’re like, I don’t mind failing. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being a beginner.

Betsy [00:13:35]:
I am. I’m going to use the word hypersensitive, but maybe it’s just sensitive now. Perhaps that one time hypersensitive. Now sensitive. No, now aware. Now I’m aware. So I’ve gone from hypersensitive to sensitive to aware of how other people may be perceiving me. And, you know, when I was growing up, that was a really big thing.

Betsy [00:14:01]:
So much of how we act and respond in the world is formed. The patterns are formed. Our nervous system regulates to what was acceptable in our family unit, our family of origin. When we were young, you know, I worked with women, with their marriages, and so much of that is what we were modeled. Right. What feels comfortable, what. What’s right, what’s not right. Who we’re attracted to is so much about nervous system regulation.

Betsy [00:14:35]:
So, you know, so many times, people are like, oh, my God, I had the same boyfriend basically, over and over, and then I married him, and now I realize he’s my dad. Right. Like, acting the same way, because your nervous system was primed for that. So when I was growing up, my dad was super active in the community, like, loads of community service, and, you know, he was a school board member, and, you know what I mean, all of these things. And I was told a lot, and I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, but this is how it manifested for me. I was told often that behave, because how you act is a direct reflection on us, like, those exact words. I was told this so much that I had to filter myself and my behavior through what my parents wanted as opposed to who I was. Now my parents were real.

Betsy [00:15:36]:
Oh, my God. I just found a little bug on me. I swear to God, I’m gonna go burn my house down. Oh, my God, you guys. Okay, okay. So. So much of our nervous systems regulated to this idea, right, of who we’re supposed to be and what was acceptable and what would keep us in the good graces of the people that were in charge of us, right. Or overlording whoever our parents were.

Betsy [00:16:08]:
Right. And so I. And my parents were great parents. This is where I was. My parents were great parents. They were open and loving and they wanted me to explore who I was. And they were like, really great parents. And.

Betsy [00:16:23]:
And they cared very much what other people thought about them. And I learned that it’s not a bad thing, but it worked. This pattern of really watching what I did, I always, I mean, I. I didn’t get, I was not a trouble kid getting in trouble or even, like, having really good fun stories. I don’t have a lot of good fun stories because I didn’t do anything really outside the realm of what my parents would be able to know about because they know everybody. Everyone’s going to know, okay? So my nervous system is primed for that. Okay? It worked for me when I was a kid, and this is what happens. We have patterns that really work for us to adapt and to, you know, be successful in that environment.

Betsy [00:17:09]:
And so I was. I was successful in that environment. My parents liked me. All my kids, my friends parents liked me. Right? Do you know what I mean? Like, I didn’t. I mean, I’m sure I wasn’t perfect, but you get the idea. Okay, so now. Now, twelve years ago, I started business where you have to be able and to have an online presence or to really live a life that feels authentic.

Betsy [00:17:36]:
Take social media, take business out of it, to live a life that feels authentic, to have friends. Right. To actually find your people, you have to be able to show who you are. But I was finding, I was pushing it through this lens of, like, what’s acceptable. How much do I show? What’s the threshold for what people can take? And over the past seven months, as I have gotten a lot of feedback on Facebook and I did an episode, I don’t know, a month or six weeks ago, probably on the hate I get on Instagram, right? The hate on social media. I’ll tell you that if I were to do that episode today, it would be totally different from that episode to now. I have made a huge shift, a huge shift, because I went from being hypersensitive to being sensitive, which is when I did that episode, I was sensitive to. Now I just have an awareness.

Betsy [00:18:37]:
I’m aware if people might not like me. And I have come to, I want to say this. If you had asked me, like three years ago, are you okay? If people don’t like you, I would have been like, yeah, I’m me. Because it was really largely unconscious to me. The hate that I got on the Internet, I now see as this huge gift, a huge gift, because I never could have grappled with what that meant for me. If I hadn’t been receiving that. I could have gone forward and kept that pattern as a very unconscious pattern. And so being visible, being truly visible.

Betsy [00:19:21]:
And what I think. I mean, I’m sharing a kind of bit of a controversial opinion about marriages and about how I think from my experience and my professional training, what I think about all of that, it’s not always well received. A lot of people get really frustrated, and I decided that that was okay. I decided that if I really frustrated people or even made people mad because I was sharing something I truly felt was true and was coming from, like, a deep place in my heart of wanting to be helpful, then I was okay. Because they’re getting mad was just part of their process to coming into awareness of the truth, of their truth, whatever that is. And they can choose to believe part of my truth or not. We can have different truths. But I had to overcome a couple different things.

Betsy [00:20:24]:
One is the unconscious pattern that was happening, okay? Unconscious to me. I had to have either something really disruptive, or I had to have somebody pointed out, okay? The second thing I had to overcome was that my nervous system was regulated to that. So what does that mean? That means that acting in that way, having that hypersensitivity, is what made my nervous system feel even. So anything outside of that felt dysregulated. Felt like anxiety, right? Felt like, you know, unease, felt like unhappiness, felt like nerves, right? Felt like being overexposed, felt like too sensitive, right? So I had to. I had to repack pattern my nervous system so that the regulation came to the point where I could share what I wanted to share, right? So I had to decide what that was. I had to recognize the pattern, decide what it was. I wanted re pattern my nervous system to that and change my beliefs and mindset around it.

Betsy [00:21:35]:
So, you know, like I said, I have a belief now that that was the best thing that could have happened to me was the hate on the Internet, right? I mean, some of it was really hurtful at the time, but now I’m like, well, that’s fine, right? So it served me because I chose to see it a different way. Okay, so here’s the thing. This blueprint you can lay over anything in your life, right? You could lay it over your career, you could lay it over your relationship. You could lay that blueprint over being seen on the Internet, whatever that thing is for you, because we all have patterns that are unconscious. You know, this is the work that I do, at its essence, at its core, inside the navigate method with women who are trying to make these big decisions about their marriage. Like, how could I possibly create a good relationship on the Internet, right? I mean, we’re just going to put it back to this on the Internet and share what I wanted to share and feel aligned and be okay if somebody disagreed with me, right? If I didn’t do, if I didn’t know what the pattern was. So flip flop that over to relationships. How do you be okay being authentically, you showing up the way you want to show up, and being okay if someone has a different opinion than you, right? Your partner isn’t always going to, you guys aren’t always going to be aligned.

Betsy [00:23:12]:
But when you believe that it’s there, if they’re unhappy, that it’s something you have to manage. That’s what I was doing essentially, with people on the Internet. They didn’t agree with me. I was like, I have to manage this. I don’t, I can just let them go do their thing. It was like a thing where I was like, oh my gosh, I need to just take the blueprint for what I do in other areas and put it over this. And once I saw that pattern, you can’t unsee it. I mean, that’s the beautiful thing.

Betsy [00:23:40]:
I think it’s um, Wayne Dyer, right? Doctor Dyer, that says like once you the way to change something, I’m gonna screw it up. But you guys know it because you’re saying it in your head, you’re yelling at the, at your phone. When you change the way you see things, the things you see change, right? It’s something like that. So changing the way you see it, all of the sudden the thing changes. And the interesting thing, and I could do a whole episode on this is, I don’t get that much hate anymore. Like, I really don’t, I don’t know where all the, I don’t get it. Why don’t I get it? Well, I’m not in the vibration end of it anymore. I’m not calling it in, right? I’m not broadcasting fear of it.

Betsy [00:24:25]:
So it’s just not showing up, which is kind of fascinating, right? So there’s a way and a structure to overcome the things that are bogging you down, no matter what it is. And if it’s with your relationship, I’ve got that blueprint. I have a whole plan, if you want to learn about it. You can go to my website right at the top. There’s a link for a free masterclass. It’s like 20 minutes, 25 minutes, maybe. And I share with you kind of how I break this down and what the elements are that you really have to have if you want to create clarity in your life. And you know what? If you’re like, I have a great relationship, or I don’t have a relationship at all, and I don’t need that.

Betsy [00:25:11]:
You might still be interested in the masterclass because the blueprint’s the same, right? The overarching blueprint is the same. So I’m gonna go shower and get. Because I have one little bug on me. And I will see you next week. We’ll do it all again. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for listening. I love you guys so much.

Betsy [00:25:33]:
I’ll talk to you next week. Bye bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show, and thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen.

Betsy [00:26:01]:
Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media. I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on TikTok. It’s just my name, Betsy Pake. And that’s my website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me, just shoot me a DM. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram, and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening, and I will see you all next week.

Are you ready to redefine success on your own terms and reclaim your personal power?

In this episode, Betsy shares her revelations about embracing a more expansive view of success that aligns with your values and experiences. She also dives into the crucial importance of taking responsibility for your own emotions and reactions, rather than giving that power away to others. Through a poignant real-life example, Betsy illustrates how we unconsciously learn to make others responsible for our feelings, and how we can break free from that disempowering pattern. She offers eye-opening insights on how to communicate more effectively, set stronger boundaries, and heal the underlying triggers that keep us stuck. Don’t miss this opportunity to gain a fresh perspective on success and learn practical strategies to step into your power in relationships and beyond.

Transcription:

Betsy [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the art of living big podcast. My name’s Betsy Paik. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you.

Betsy [00:00:22]:
Think differently about what could be possible for your life.

Betsy [00:00:26]:
Now, let’s go live big.

Betsy [00:00:32]:
Hello, everyone. Welcome to the art of living big. It has been, I think it’s been a month since we’ve had a show. It had. May was such a busy, crazy month. I’m going to tell you all kinds of things, but I didn’t record because it was so busy and crazy. But we’ve hired somebody new. We hired someone new in May, will be hiring two new people this month, in the month of June.

Betsy [00:00:58]:
And so my big goal for the rest of the month, for the rest of the year is to be really consistent with the podcast. It’s like the fun thing I get to do. I mean, all of the things I get to do are fun, but I really like doing the podcast. And so I have missed being here. So one thing that I have noticed really slows me down was my, my goal to record live.

Betsy [00:01:24]:
And here’s the thing. There are so many times when I.

Betsy [00:01:27]:
Record this podcast when I’m inspired, and I’m not always inspired when I’m, like, camera ready. Honestly, I almost laugh when I say that. Am I ever really camera ready? It’s not like I’m like a beauty queen. But regardless, I just decided today I was inspired and I’m gonna just record. And that’s okay. We’re not gonna have a video that.

Betsy [00:01:49]:
Goes along with it. And probably most of you are listening.

Betsy [00:01:52]:
To this on iTunes anyway, so. All right, so I’ve got baby birds. Did I tell you guys before that I had these baby birds? So probably a month ago, maybe five weeks ago, I started to notice that these birds were putting pieces of grass, right, starting their nest on my front porch. Now, if you follow along on Instagram, you know that I am really obsessed with my front porch. Like, I spend a lot of time out there. I have a day bed out there. I have a couch out there, a couple chairs. Like, I mean, it’s like a living room.

Betsy [00:02:27]:
It’s got curtains. Do you know what I mean? Like, I love my front porch, and.

Betsy [00:02:32]:
I truly spend a lot of time out there.

Betsy [00:02:34]:
I mean, on the weekends, I’m reading out there or napping out there. And during the week, there are times where if I’m with my coach being coached. I will take my coaching calls out there and in between calls just to, like, you know, regroup and. And make notes and all of those things. I like to go outside, and, of course, my dog Henry really loves it. So, anyway, about five weeks ago, I start noticing that there is this grass, right, that’s growing on top of the pillar. Now, when we moved into this house last year, we moved in. We bought it in May, beginning in May, and then we moved in towards the end of June, and there was an old nest there, and it was disgusting.

Betsy [00:03:15]:
Like, you know, bird poop. You know, it’s bird’s nest stuff. Bird’s nest stuff was happening, and there was this old nest, and so I had taken the nest down, and I was like, yuck. That’s really gross. So, when they started building this nest this year, I started to brush it away, and I would take the end of a broom and, like, push the grass that they were accumulating away, but they kept coming back and kept coming back. And finally I got to the point where I was like, you know, they would be working really hard during the time that I wasn’t out there and gaining momentum, and I felt like maybe it was me who was new to the porch, and they had been doing this on the porch for years. And so after putting up shiny objects and all kinds of things to thwart their efforts, I decided to just fall in love with the new edition.

Betsy [00:04:15]:
Right?

Betsy [00:04:16]:
We were gonna have babies. I was gonna be like a foster mom. I bought a very fancy birdbath and a special kind of three tiered farmers market with all different kinds of food that I researched that they would like. How did I research? Am I a bird person? No. I downloaded an app to record their sounds so that I knew what kind of bird it was, so I’d know what kind of food to get. I mean, I was like, I’m gonna take such good care of this, mama, and this is gonna be great. And it all has been great until. Well, they were born.

Betsy [00:04:54]:
They were born over memorial day. They’re about ready to leave the nest today. So it’s June 3, so it’s only been, like, a week. I mean, I guess they grow up and kick themselves out of the nest pretty fast.

Betsy [00:05:06]:
But it.

Betsy [00:05:07]:
The mess. I swear, I don’t know if they just, like, back their butts up over the edge of the nest or what happens, but it’s just awful. And there’s bird.

Betsy [00:05:19]:
You know, birds have mites.

Betsy [00:05:20]:
I saw a huge tick out there today. On the curtains. I mean, I’m just thoroughly disgusted. I cannot shower enough to. To, like, but I got some rubber gloves, and as soon as those birds are really gone, like, really, really gone, and I’ll make sure they’re really gone, I’m going out there and removing the curtains and, you know, doing all the things that need to be done. I thought I would clean the curtains, but I actually think I’m gonna have to just buy new ones because they are pretty raunchy. So birds are about ready to fly the cooper, and they’re all hanging out there. They’re little fluff balls now, and they’re on the edge of the nest, like, on the edge of the curtain rod out there, and they’re ready to go.

Betsy [00:06:06]:
So that has been taking up so much of my attention as I was anticipating their arrival. And now I feel deeply, deeply betrayed by the amount of dirt and disgustingness out there. So that’s what I’ve spent my may doing, I guess. That’s what I’m telling you. There’s been a lot going on with the birds. I got a couple times this past month where I got to go to the ocean, and if you’ve been here for a while, you know that that’s just such a fun thing for me. I turned 53 in May, and so we went to Key west for just a long weekend, and it was really fun and relaxing, and I got to be by the ocean, and I love Key west, so it was just really fun. We usually go probably every year.

Betsy [00:06:53]:
I try to go every year, and I’ll tell you, may was really, really full for me. And I want to share this because I don’t know if this might help you, too. Sometimes we have this idea of, like, what success is and what it looks.

Betsy [00:07:09]:
Like, and I think how we experience success, right? We’re supposed to experience it in a certain way. And, you know, at the end of the month, at the end of May, I was like, oh, dang. This month really humbled me. And then I was like, wait a minute. We did so many things. We got testimonials this month. One of the most testimonials we got said, let me just pull it up. This program has been nothing short of life changing for me.

Betsy [00:07:38]:
I’d been in therapy for a year and a half, and nothing moved me forward. Like, this world has, like, impact, right? Making impact. And we moved a lot of things forward that are, like, silent things, right? The things that maybe nobody would notice necessarily on the back end, but things that we’re doing to streamline things and make things easier and make things go smoother for people. And, you know, the way people are brought into the program so they have this really incredible experience. And, you know, we made so many big strides in all of those places, but you wouldn’t see them. And we don’t typically think of that stuff as success, right. Trying to make things better. And so this.

Betsy [00:08:22]:
And. And I got to go to the ocean twice, which, if you’ve been here for any amount of time, you know, that that’s a big deal for me, so living my life the way that I want. So I offer you this thought, because sometimes we have an idea of what success looks like, and when we’re at the end of the road, we go, oh, this isn’t what I thought. This isn’t what I had decided. But we get to choose. We get to choose, and we can look back and then make a list and point out all the things that did go right, all the things that did move the needle in the direction that you wanted, all the ways that you learned lessons right, all the ways that you created balance for yourself or had special moments. I think sometimes we define success in a certain way. And although there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, I just want to open you up to the idea that it can be defined however it is that you want.

Betsy [00:09:18]:
And so I talk to women every day that are at this juncture in their marriage, and they’re like, oh, my God, I feel so much regret about stuff, like, why did I wait this long? Or, why did I do this this way? Or sometimes they’re even like, why did I even get married? Like, I knew? And I want to offer the idea that that’s success, because you’re seeing things through different lens than you did in the beginning, which means you’ve grown and changed, and now you get to choose new things, and you get to learn new lessons and create a new experience for yourself, either inside or outside of your marriage. I think we’ve got this structure, right, of what success is and what it’s supposed to look like. And if we open it up, we’re having these big and small successes in our lives every single day. So the last thing that I kind of wanted to talk about was a TikTok that I saw, and I don’t. And this is the thing that inspired me, where I was like, oh, I want to jump on the podcast. This is. Okay. So I want to talk about this TikTok that I saw that was, in a lot of ways, really, really sweet.

Betsy [00:10:34]:
It was a really sweet TikTok. And there’s nothing, I’m not criticizing this creator. You’ll probably never see this video to even know who the creator is. But it was basically she was picking up her kids from grandma’s where they had been for two weeks, and the kid was crying and like, oh, no, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave. Which is actually so sweet, right? They had a really good time with grandmas. And, you know, when you go to grandma’s so many times, you get away with lots more things. And it’s sort of like being on vacation, right? The same rules don’t necessarily apply because you’re not in the same environment and you probably get more snacks or whatever the case is, right.

Betsy [00:11:15]:
But what I actually want to talk about is the mom’s response to the little girl. And again, I’m not criticizing, I’m just using this as a teaching moment. And I didn’t obviously want to leave a comment, even though I was sort of dying to bring this to her awareness because I think it’s so, so important. And her reaction to her little girl was, why are you making me feel so bad? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you. Why are you just breaking my heart? And although I totally understand, like, she’s coming to pick up her kid, I know there was times where I would pick up my daughter from daycare and she would cry because she loved the daycare teacher. And I actually, that was painful for a second until I realized it was really nice that she liked her daycare teacher that much, and what more could I ask for? But that’s a whole other, that could be a whole other podcast. What I want to talk about is this idea that other people are responsible for how we feel. You know, she was like, you’re breaking my heart.

Betsy [00:12:25]:
You are breaking my heart. And I could go into the whole thing of how she’s teaching that little girl that she has to be responsible for everybody else’s feelings, right? That her actions, and I’m not saying that we’re not. The way we act doesn’t impact people, right? The way we respond and act impacts people, but we’re not responsible for other people’s reactions because she could have had a different experience, right? She could have been crying about not wanting the daughter, could have acted in the same exact way, and the mother could have had a different experience. Like, that isn’t the only option, which is like, you’re breaking my heart. You’re hurting my feelings. It could have been like, we love grandma. This was like vacation, and now I get to bring you home and love on you and, like, you know, make it something different. There was an infinitely number of different ways that could have gone.

Betsy [00:13:32]:
And the way that it went was teaching that little girl that her actions are what are responsible for other people’s feelings. And that’s not necessarily true. And on the flip side, the mother was giving away her power to her daughter. And here’s what I mean by that. She was giving. If somebody else is the one breaking your heart, if somebody else is the one making you feel bad, then you don’t have control over how you feel, and that disempowers you. I work with women every day where I try to undo what’s happening to that little girl, right? I work with women every day who feel like they’re responsible for everybody else’s feelings, and we can’t handle that. That is way too big of a load to hold.

Betsy [00:14:31]:
We can be responsible for ourselves and how we show up and how compassionate we are with people and how we express ourselves, and we can be mindful of being kind. But in the end, I can’t be responsible for somebody else’s emotions, and I wouldn’t want to be. That’s too big of a burden. And I would want them to be empowered to be in control of their own emotions, because if that’s true, then they get to heal whatever it is that’s being activated in that. I say this thing sometimes if you just heard a snippet of it, it might sound bad, I guess it might sound harsh. It might sound harsh. But the truth, right? The truth is that we’re all experiencing the world through our own lens, right? We’re all experiencing the world through our past. Hurts, our beliefs, our values, things we’ve been taught, other experiences that we’ve had, good or bad.

Betsy [00:15:45]:
And so if I have a totally different experience, right, I have a totally different life. I had totally different parents than somebody that lived in Switzerland, let’s say. And that person is with me, and we experience the same thing, we’re probably going to have really different experiences, different reactions. The way we experience a certain something will be very different. That’s doesn’t have anything to do with the event itself. It has to do with our reactions to it. So I say this a lot, but I say the event itself is a neutral, but how we’re reacting to it is what makes the difference. And how we’re reacting to it is about us.

Betsy [00:16:36]:
And if that’s true, then that gives us so much power because it allows us to heal whatever it is that’s being activated in us. It allows us to see things in a new way. It allows us to communicate with people way on a way higher level. It allows us to have better standards for people that have access to us because we are able to decipher what’s just an activation in us and what’s our truth, what’s our beliefs and values so that we know who we are. I wanted to share this example because when I was watching it, I was like, oh, my God, this is where it begins. Like, this is the creation of that experience that I work with women about every single day. And it’s not this mother’s fault. She’s living life the way that she knows it.

Betsy [00:17:35]:
But I want to offer you this thought, is that if somebody is really activating you, take your power back. Take your power back and start to move through this experience, understanding what’s happening inside you so that you can communicate clearly what you need without being activated. You can have standards, which means that person might not get access to me anymore. But it’s not because I’m triggered and freaking out. It’s because I have a standard, right? And I guess the final thought would be like, watch where we’re laying that power. You know, this woman. And again, I am not criticizing this creator. I’m just using it as an example because I think what she does is something that we all do.

Betsy [00:18:28]:
And I’ve probably done many times in my life. I probably still do it from time to time, right? Because so many things are unconscious to us. But when I saw it, I was like, oh, that’s where it begins, and that’s what’s happening. And when we can become conscious to the unconscious. You know, sometimes people come into my program the first couple weeks, they’re like, all I’m doing is noticing all this stuff, like, what are we doing? And I’m always like, that’s, you can’t fix anything if you don’t see. See it, right? You can’t make any changes if you don’t have an awareness. So I want to offer you this thought to lay. Don’t lay your power at somebody else’s feet and to recognize what’s yours and what’s not.

Betsy [00:19:16]:
Heal your stuff so that you can hold standards of what’s important to you without being activated or triggered. And I think that is how you live a big life. If you’re curious on how to do this, work with me. You know, I have a free video if you go to my website, it’s right there, right at the top. But you can go to betsypake.com. five shifts. I give you five shifts that you need to really create a new path in or out of your marriage. You know, I really focus on that relationship.

Betsy [00:19:50]:
I think marriage is such an amazing relationship for having things reflected back. Right. For healing and getting that awareness of what’s going on. Right. It’s an incubator to be able to see all your stuff. And then when you start to heal your stuff, you start to notice your calm, even in the face of upheaval. Right. Your partner may be activated and upset or sharing something or getting loud, and you can still feel really calm just observing.

Betsy [00:20:24]:
It’s a powerful place to be. So much more powerful than being emotionally activated and feeling like you’re being tossed all over the place. So I’m going back out to check on my birds. Keep me in your prayers that they are gone soon, and I can hose off my porch and go outside without feeling like I have creepy crawlers all over me. I love you guys so much, and I will see you next week because I am confident in my dedication to bringing you a weekly show. All right, y’all, I love you so much. I’ll see you guys next week. Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show, and thank you for sharing the show with your friends.

Betsy [00:21:07]:
I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media. I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on TikTok. It’s just my name, Betsy Paik.

Betsy [00:21:34]:
And that’s my website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me, just shoot me a DM. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram, and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening, and I will see you all next week.

In todays episode, Betsy takes us on a journey to understand exactly HOW MUCH you are being impacted by an invisible force that is determining your income, your weight, your relationships and your happiness.

Transcript:

Betsy:
Hello, everyone. Hi. Welcome to the show today. Welcome to the art of living big. I’m excited to be here this week. I’m going to talk to you a little bit about who you’re hanging around with. But I’ve got some other stuff to tell you. First, it is porch season.

Betsy:
Now it’s officially porch season. You know, if you follow my instagram and you saw last year when I moved into my new house in, well, it’s a hundred year old house, but it was new to me last summer and it’s got this big porch and it’s, it’s, it’s literally the best thing ever. Last summer I had like a little couch and a couple little chairs. It’s not the biggest porch in the world, but it’s, it’s, it’s porch fing. It’s enough. It is enough. So I had this little living room set up, right? So great. And at my old house, I used to have this day bed.

Betsy:
And when I moved into this house, I was like, I can’t bring the day bed. There’s not enough room on the porch. It’s sort of awkward. But this year I hired a guy to come, like, power wash the porch because it was so dirty and it was getting kind of nice out. You know when it’s like starting to get nice and you just want to be outside, you can start to hear the birds are coming and all that. And I was like, it was a Saturday morning and I was like, I want to take a nap out here. So I dragged that day bed from my garage all the way from the back of the house and put it on my porch. I mean, is my porch a little crowded? It’s a little crowded, but it’s actually so.

Betsy:
It feels so amazing out there. Now I’ve got this day bed. I’ve got these big potted plants. The other day, an Amazon delivery guy came and he was like, this is like, like the greatest living room. I put outdoor curtains up so it like, gives it like this airy, awesome feel. I don’t know. It’s porch season, y’all. And I am so happy about it.

Betsy:
So I have been out there every chance that I get, anytime I have to do a training or anything like that for the program that I am a student in, which I’m going to get to that in just a second. That’s what I do. I go out on the porch and it just makes everything better, makes everything happier. So last summer when I had moved in, I noticed that up in the rafters of the porch there had.

Speaker B:
There had.

Betsy:
I was going to say there had been a bird nest up there. But when I moved in, there were babies, and the babies were only in there for a short amount of time, and then they flew out and went to live their lives. So this year, they’re back. And, you know, there was something really fun last year about having the babies on the porch when we first moved in. But I will tell you that once they were gone, I realized that. That it was a huge mess. The previous owners had left, like, some outdoor curtains out there, and they were just disgusting. And there was.

Betsy:
I swear, I think the babies, like, back their fannies up off the edge of the nest to poop because it was gross, right? So I had to have it cleaned, and it was just a huge mess. So this year, I had my porch cleaned, and I was like, all right, babies are going to have to go someplace else. I’ll get birdhouses. I’ll do something else. And so when they tried to build their nest in the rafters, as soon as I saw them doing it, I just sweeped away, you know, wiped away the little bit of grass that was there, and then they came back. And so I did that again. And then I turned on the porch fan because I thought, well, that’ll seem like a lot. And then the nest started back again, and so I put some.

Betsy:
I. I was trying to find something, like, shiny. And I know I could have just bought something or got something from Amazon, but I was like, I have these lucky cats. Do you know what I’m talking about? It’s like the cat has one paw up, and there’s, like, a set of them. So one has, like, the right pop and the other one has the left pop, but they’re shy. The ones I have are shiny. And I was like, I’m gonna put the. Gonna put those where the bird’s nest would be so that they’re.

Betsy:
It’s shiny and it scares them. Well, it did not scare them. In fact, I think they liked it, and they built their little nest around it with, like, the little happy cat, lucky cat right in the middle, like a little statue in the middle of their birds nest. I just decided that, you know, perhaps I was the new one and this had been their porch for years and years and years, and that I needed to just be a really good daycare provider and embrace that new job. And so that is what I have done. But now they have built that nest. I swear, it’s not even a circle. Like, you know, you think of a nest as, like, a circle, but because my edge of my curtain sort of, you know, the curtain rod comes out and the edge of the curtain covers that post that they’re on.

Betsy:
And so the nest is like a. An oval, like an oblong giant. It’s like a penthouse. You guys up on this rafter, all protected with the curtains and the fan for comfort. I mean, they seem really happy. So I’m not sure if there are any eggs in it yet. I’m trying not to. They squawk pretty loud when I go outside, but I think they’re sort of getting used to me sitting there.

Betsy:
As long as I’m just sitting there. Fine. Um, but I will keep you posted, and, of course, that will be an ongoing drama on Instagram stories if you follow me over there. So I’m kind of excited about it now. So sometimes, you know, we just gotta. We gotta take the bird poop and just make the best of it. So that is what I’ve done. All right, so next weekend.

Betsy:
Next weekend’s mother’s Day. Next weekend’s mother’s Day. Mother’s Day. And my birthday is coming, like, the following week. It’s weird because there have been times, like, when I was growing up, where my birthday actually landed on Mother’s Day. So depending on how Mother’s Day goes, my. My birthday is pretty close to it. So I was like, I really want to go somewhere for my birthday.

Betsy:
And I had a free companion pass on Delta that was going to expire at the end of the month. So I was like, we have to go someplace where we can fly. And, um, I ended up kind of one morning going, I know where I want to go. Let’s go to Key west. And so we’re going to just go, like, a fast trip, a Friday morning. We’ll be back on Sunday night. I’m so excited about it. Um, I mean, we’ll celebrate my birthday, but, you know, I’m 50.

Betsy:
I’ll be 53 years old. Like, I’ve celebrated a lot of birthdays. Less about the celebration and more just about getting to be by the ocean for a little bit. I’m so excited. I had enough points. The whole thing was, like, points driven and free, and it feels really fun and amazing. So that is what I’m going to be up to. I wanted to talk to you this week, though, about something that has been coming up inside our group, inside the navigate method.

Betsy:
So if you’re not familiar, I’m assuming you’re familiar because you’re here, but I have a program called the Navigate method that I created that guides women through a journey, navigating a new path in or out of their marriage. So when they are stuck in indecision, it gives them crystal clarity. It’s super powerful. It’s incredible to watch these women go through this process and how they come into the experience and then how they are when they leave the experience. And it’s so fun for me. You know, this week we had somebody that was finishing up their ten weeks, and they were saying to the people that were earlier, you know, that were like, you know, week four or five, like, just wait.

Speaker B:
Just wait.

Betsy:
You know, it’s just so fun to see that they can see this huge shift in how they experience the world and how they’re living in it and how that impacts their relationships and their friendships and their career and all the things. So, anyway, something that came up this week, and there are different themes. You know, I feel like there’ll be a theme that kind of comes through on different sessions and kind of like everybody’s sort of in the same place, you know, where everyone’s like, oh. And one of the things that we were talking about is when people leave our program, they really want to stay in it. Like, they want to stay in the culture. They want to stay in the experience, because it’s really such a different way of thinking. And I think it’s so different from our, like, real lives. I’m using air quotes, real lives of most people that when they get in it, they’re like, this feels so true, you know? And I think truth, when we feel that gives us, like, a sense of peace.

Betsy:
They’re learning how to calm their nervous system so they feel good, you know? And so we do a lot of things to keep them in the environment so that even when they’re completed their ten weeks, they’re still getting that experience, so that they can maintain until it becomes who they are.

Speaker B:
Right?

Betsy:
And soon it does. It becomes who you are. It becomes how you think and how you view and see the world. So this week, a theme that kept coming up is, you know, when we go outside of the group, who are we spending time with? You know, the group provides a cocoon of experience and personalities, right? Things that people that you want to be aligned with, right? They’re all learning the same things. They’re talking the same language, that understand the nuances of reality that maybe their friends outside of the program might not. So that’s them being in. That is a huge part of who they are surrounding themselves with. Okay, so a whole idea that came up this week was when people were leaving, they were hitting their ten weeks.

Betsy:
And we talked about that Jim Rohn quote. Now, you may have heard this, and I might get it, not exactly right, but you are the average of the top five people that you spend the most time with. So you’re the average of the top five people that you spend the most time with. And I think that this is such a powerful idea because inherently, as children, we know that who they spend time with is so impactful.

Speaker B:
Right?

Betsy:
I remember my mom always wanting to know, like, who I was hanging out with, who my friends were. You know, she wanted them to come over to the house. She wanted to know who they were. So she knew who I was hanging out with. And we inherently accept that when we’re kids or for kids. Right. If you have kids in your life, you’re like, yeah, I want to make sure they’re hanging out with good kids.

Speaker B:
Right?

Betsy:
But something shifts when we become adults. And maybe it’s just that we don’t have a parent in that same way looking out for us or weeding through things, but we have to be aware of it on our own. We have to recognize, who am I spending time with? Because the truth, and I’m going to explain this, but the truth, as Jim Rohn said, is that you are the average of the top five people you spend the most time with. So your coworkers, which coworkers are you hanging out with? Are you going to the gym? Are you hanging out with people there? Are you playing pickleball? Are you going to the bar? None of these things are inherently bad or good. They’re just. They just are. And so recognizing what you’re spending time with, now, there’s statistics around this. So there’s studies that show that you are the average of the top five people you spend the most time with.

Betsy:
Your income average of the top five people that you hang out with. Think about it. Who are the top five people you spend time with? There was a study done in 2010 by the National Bureau of Economic Research, and it showed that individuals income levels were strongly correlated with the income levels of their closest friends.

Speaker B:
Right?

Betsy:
So then you’re like, whoa.

Speaker B:
So.

Betsy:
Could I just get around people that were making more money? Would I make more money? Yes. Statistically, yes. Happiness research from Harvard and the University of California, San Diego found that happiness can spread through social networks with happy friends, increasing an individual’s likelihood of being happy by 25%. Entrepreneurs.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
We inherently know this, I think. Entrepreneurs.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
We want to be around other people that are building businesses or whatever. But a study by the Kaufman Institute found that entrepreneurs were more likely to start businesses if they had close friends or family members who were also entrepreneurs. Obesity New England Journal of Medicine found that a person’s chance of becoming obese increased by 57% if they had a friend who became obese. So who you spend time with is super powerful for where you are and where you’re headed. And, you know, we were talking about it this week because we were like, you’re going to come outside of this bubble, and we have ways for people to stay in the bubble, but you’re in this bubble. Who are you hanging out with now? I know for me, I, one of the main things that I spend the most money on in my business, by a lot, is to hang out with people who are already where I want to go. I’m in a high level mastermind, and I spend a lot of money on that every month. So that, that’s my circle of influence.

Betsy:
I want the top five people that I spend the most time with to be people that are doing great things, that are super upbeat.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
They’re happy or they’re finding a path.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
I want it to be people that are action takers.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
People that are thoughtful. And part of that for me is being around people that are building businesses that are bigger than mine.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
Because that’s evidence of impact.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
I can impact more people, and I need to see somebody else doing it, because what’s available for one is available for all. But it’s so helpful to be around it. I remember the very first time I moved from one level of the mastermind that I’m into the, like the higher level. And I remember the first time that I went to our weekly meeting. I mean, I don’t even think I said anything. I just was watching and I was listening to how they think.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
And if you’ve been through the navigate method, you know what I’m talking about, right. I’m listening to how, how their frame of the world is. What is it that they believe? What are their values? That’s super interesting to me. So I wanted to offer this thought to you to evaluate where you’re spending your time. Now, I work from home, and so lots of times like the, I mean, the thing I spent, my dog Henry, is probably the thing I spend the most time with. And he’s chill and happy and maybe that’s a good thing. So, but top five people, I can create that as well. I can create it.

Betsy:
So it would be the shows that I’m watching, the podcasts that I’m listening to, the news articles that I’m spending time on. So whatever. Whether it’s people, because there have been times in my life, honestly, where I. I know if you’re listening to this and you’re not watching the video that have you guys been on Zoom where, like, the thumbs up thing pops up on the screen?

Speaker B:
It.

Betsy:
It is the thing that makes me crazy town. Okay? So that keeps happening. Okay, so when I think about being an entrepreneur, and I’m like, okay. Like, I’m spending time at home, I’ve got to really hone in on where I want to focus my time. I don’t know if you remember last summer, I did some episodes about, like, big changes. We were moving out of our apartment that we had stayed in for a little while after we sold our bigger house, and then we were moving into this new house, and in that, my husband and I realized that we were. We needed to change our frame. So we each decided we were going to.

Betsy:
The only things that could be on in the house would be. Well, for me, it was Abraham Hicks. So I wanted something like that was positive, upbeat. I’m the creator kind of sounds in my house, and he had his thing. So we really cut out the news and stuff for a bit so that we could really hone in on where we wanted to go. And sometimes that’s the sort of ownership that you have to take of. Like, I’m buckling down on every area of my life. I’m noticing where the leaks are and where I’m spending a lot of time.

Betsy:
So what are the shows and the things that you have around that are showing up for you that are in your unconscious mind, playing in the background.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
That you can hear, notice who your friends are.

Speaker B:
Right.

Betsy:
And I’m not saying dump friends. Like, that’s not what I’m saying. But I’m also saying we always need to be selective about who. Who we’re giving our energy to, who we’re sharing that with. Who’s the woman? Rachel. Oh, wait, I’m going to pause. Cause I want to find it.

Speaker B:
Okay.

Betsy:
It’s Rachel Rogers. She wrote this book called we should all be millionaires. I read it a couple years ago. It’s really good, and it’s fascinating. She has a process for an annual friend review. And when I first read this, I was like, this sounds mean, and, like, maybe even, like, elitist or something. Like, who am I to? But when I really got into it and understood what she was saying. It made so much sense and it was so smart, because sometimes we are friends with people and we are friends with them for years, and then we don’t realize how different our values have become or our beliefs are different.

Betsy:
Where we’re headed is different. And sometimes we need to just evaluate and say, is that still making me feel good? Like, is that still getting me to where I want to go? And I think that when I say elitist, it’s like, not that you’re better than somebody, because that’s what I was like. Well, I’m no better than any of my friends. Like, that felt bad to me. But that’s not really where it is. It’s really about, where are you on your journey? It’s not that you’re better or farther along or farther back or worse or any of that. It’s just, is your journey aligning right now? And if you’ve got big dreams and things that you want or you just want to transform your life, you want to change up things, you want to create some static so that things don’t stay the status quo, you’ve got to really be looking at all of these different levels, right? So doing a friend review and check out that book, because that will really lay it out. And it makes so much sense when you read it.

Betsy:
Start looking at what you guys are talking about. I think about with my husband, what are we spending a lot of time talking about? Are we complaining about stuff? Are we spending our time on a lot of worrying? Because all of those things start to impact. Now, when we look at these statistics that I was sharing with you from my brain, like with my. My lens of working on the unconscious mind, I know that my unconscious mind is taking in information all the time, right? So consciously, I can only process a very, very, very tiny amount of what I’m actually taking in, right? And I. My unconscious mind does not know the difference between me and somebody else. It doesn’t understand that there’s difference, okay? So when we’re talking about something or I’m seeing somebody, my unconscious mind thinks that’s really available to me. And the closer I can get to it, the more real that becomes, right? So now it’s not just like a concept. Now it’s like, that’s a real thing.

Betsy:
I understand who that person is. I talk to them, I have coffee with them. I listen to how they process information that they hear on the news, and I listen to how they process things that are happening in their business, and it starts to infiltrate my unconscious mind, which is why we have to be so careful about it, but also why it can really propel us forward. So when we think about the top five people that you’re spending the most time with, I want to offer you the thought that you get to choose. So many times we think, well, these are the people I’m around, or this is my team at work. You may have people at work right now where you’re like, oh, my God. That the team is negative or whatever that is for you. That that’s okay.

Betsy:
There are some things that we. I’m going to say it like this, but I was going to say that we don’t have control over. We always, I mean, everything has consequences, right? So you could quit, but I get it if you’re not ready to quit, but you’ve got a team. So I think you can look at that. If you’ve got a team of people that you work with that are not where you want to be, they’re complaining, they’re negative, whatever that is, then I would take complete ownership of it and say, do I want to? Is there times where I’m in the room that I don’t have to be when that’s happening, can I influence the room and can I make this the 6th thing that I spend the most time with so that this isn’t, you know, it’s not like it’s not going to impact me, but I can minimize the impact by expanding in other areas, by really taking control of my situation and saying this is how I want to live. And so I’m not going to spend a lot of time listening to this. They might have a talk and they might be complaining in the beginning of a meeting and I’m going to be focused someplace else. I’m going to start to notice how I think differently and how that might be limiting them so that I can see that there’s bigger opportunity for me.

Betsy:
So we really do have a lot of choice. If you haven’t heard, on my YouTube channel, I uploaded a video just recently, and it was one that I did inside my Facebook group. And it’s about choice, and it’s about how we really have way more choice than we think we do. And we’re always moving. You know, we’re always moving. It’s like, you know, a motion picture is really a ton of stills, but they’re put together so close together that it appears as though it’s a moving picture. We are a moving picture, but we replay the same patterns over and over again, and it appears that it’s standing still, right? When people are like, I’m stuck. I just am stuck.

Betsy:
I’m always stuck. If you’re going to get stuck, get stuck in joy, switch the pattern and get stuck there. I mean, right? What do you have to do to make that happen? If it’s true that you’re stuck, then you could get stuck anywhere. So just keeping in mind that it isn’t, it is really a moving picture. You’re just replaying the same stuff. You’re around the same people, you’re experiencing the same things, you’re hearing the same messages, and you’re believing all of that. And that’s starting to impact what your movie looks like. So do an evaluation.

Betsy:
Check it out. Think about, like, as you go.

Speaker B:
As.

Betsy:
You go through your day. I had to clear my throat, y’all. As you go through your day, think about, what is it? Who am I? What am I thinking about? Who am I hanging out with? What’s happening? Do I feel good most of the time? Do I feel bad most of the time? Am I worried? What am I? Am I lingering on things and then make some choices. You always have choices. You get to pick this. Life is how you choose it to be.

Speaker B:
All right?

Betsy:
I love you so much. Thanks so much for listening. And I will see you guys all next week.

Speaker B:
All right, bye.