May 22, 2025

49: Why is my Avoidant Partner SO DEFENSIVE? 🛡 Gottman Warns: this can END Relationships

20 minutes

Defensiveness KILLS relationships, not overnight but slowly. Painfully.

Like emotional water damage, you don’t notice until the floor caves in.

In this episode, relationship coach Jula (hi! that’s me) breaks down:

✶ Why your avoidant partner gets defensive-especially when all you want is closeness

✶ How anxious attachment can unknowingly trigger the "Four Horsemen"

✶ Gottman’s game-changing research on communication patterns that predict a breakup

✶ What defensiveness sounds like in everyday convos + texts

✶ How to respond in a way that softens walls, not raises them

If you’ve ever said:

➞ “Why do they always twist things?”

➞ “I just want to talk but it turns into a fight…”

➞ “I feel like I’m the only one trying…”

This episode is for YOU.

PLUS...you’ll also get a quick WEEKLY ACTION PLAN at the end...because awareness without action keeps you stuck. Let’s create real shifts

CHAPTERS:

00:00 Understanding Defensiveness in Relationships

01:27 When I was stuck in the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

02:32 What Is Defensiveness in Relationships?

04:05 Real Life Examples of Defensiveness in Avoidant-Anxious Relationships

04:58 The 4 Horsemen of Relationship Doom 🐎🔥

05:25 🐎 01 Why Criticism Feels Like Protection (But Isn’t)

05:46 🐎 02 Defensiveness - The Avoidant’s Shield 🛡️

06:14 🐎 03 Contempt The Silent Relationship Killer

06:39 🐎 04 Stonewalling - When Overwhelm Shuts Us Down

07:19 the ONLY thing you can CONTROL

08:38 The SOLUTION That Changes Everything ✨🪄

10:20 How to Start Differently - Gottman’s SOFT STARTUP Magic

11:55 My personal TWIST on GOTTMAN'S FORMULA

12:50 The REFRAME in your words that changed the energy

14:31 Being Vulnerable so they can be too

15:25 Long-term Tool: How to RAISE your vibration in your Relationship

16:34 5 Step Weekly Action Plan: Break the Criticism–Defensiveness Loop

OFFERS:

🖤📱 ON SALE: "Stop Obsessing Over Texts in 21 Days or Less" —

https://www.the-marriage-coach.com/textanxiety

(It's packed with tools to calm your anxious brain &

Finally stop spiralling after every “seen” or emoji reply)

🖤 How to Stop OVERTHINKING Your Relationship in 4 Steps (With Your Avoidant Partner)

https://www.the-marriage-coach.com/overthinkingcourse

FREE:

🖤 FREE Attachment LIBRARY:

https://linktr.ee/the.anxious.to.secure.coach

♥️ YOUTUBE:

How to use CHATGPT as THERAPIST for healing your ANXIOUS attachment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-g4bJH_Kb1g&t=3273s&list=PLkaamihHgLaFKGx4eLHBUzKube_Xd7So2&index=2&t=47s

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a therapist or doctor. This content is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It's not intended to diagnose, treat, or heal any mental health conditions. This is not meant for situations involving abusive relationships of any kind. Always seek professional advice for personal health concerns.

Remember: Change in your relationship starts with YOU, thought by thought and action by action.

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By Jula - The Anxious To Secure Coach

3.7

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