BANG!

Hurrah! BANG! returns for Season 3 on Monday March 4th.

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

A previous episode of BANG! left a few loose ends so Melody Thomas pulls together a panel for a discussion of tricky topics.

This season's episode on masculinity left a few loose ends, so Melody Thomas pulls together a panel for a discussion of tricky topics including the MeToo movement, domestic violence and accountability.

Guests include Bryan Crump from RNZ's Nights programme, Jon Brewerton of the Essentially Men Trust and Eleanor Butterworth, the respect and responsibility manager for NZ Rugby. 

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In this very special episode of BANG! recorded in front of a live audience at The Basement Theatre, Melody Thomas and guests dispense advice, tell personal stories, recite erotic poems and have a few laughs along the way.

For this very special episode of BANG!, recorded in front of a live audience at The Basement Theatre, Melody Thomas and guests dispense advice, tell personal stories, recite erotic poems and have a few laughs along the way.

On the night, very serious BANG! News host Susie Ferguson delivered breaking news stories she'd never seen until that moment. As hoped, she struggled to keep it together.

We also had an appearance from episode seven's Shelley* - the 29 year old virgin keen to explore her sexuality but not sure how to start. In front of a live audience, she gave us an update.

Read Shelley's story below. 

When Shelley was 13 she wrote an essay for a competition, explaining the importance of "virginal purity" and referring to herself as a "chastitute". Like many of her church friends, she planned to have sex with only one person in her life - her future husband.

But when Shelley got to her mid 20s, she was yet to have her first relationship or even her first kiss. She began to rethink her earlier stance on sex.

"The idea of having a relationship that progressed at a pace that felt normal and where there was open communication from both sides - that felt a lot more real and genuine than a relationship where there's certain rules that someone else has put on you," she says.

Shelley did some research, including listening to podcasts like BANG! and The Savage Lovecast. She also took a friend's advice to try masturbating.

"I was like 'I don't know if I'm doing it right?' ... and she said, 'Just trust me, you will know when you get there'... And once it did happened I was like, 'Oh yeah... that's definitely a thing'," she laughs.

Shelley went on a few dates and had her first, awkward kiss - but soon after that began to feel a little stuck. This is when she reached out to talk with me for BANG!

While the idea that there's a magic window of opportunity for losing your virginity is obviously nonsense, most people still have an idea of what they think is 'too young' or 'too old' for first-time sex. Shelley couldn't escape the feeling she'd missed her chance…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

We hear three stories from people who have worked through shame or embarrassment towards "really wonderful sunshine" on the other side.

Content warning: In this episode of BANG! we hear the story of a survivor of sexual abuse.

In this episode, three people open up about personal experiences that shame or embarrassment have prevented them from sharing. One of them is Henry*, who approached BANG! to talk about premature ejaculation.

Henry remembers really clearly the first time it happened to him. He was 18 or 19 and in a relationship with a slightly older woman who he cared for and trusted. One day they went for a walk that ended up back at his house, where they decided to have sex. He put on a condom, she climbed on top of him, but almost before they began, it was over.

"It was... like holding a water balloon in my hands, and I really wanted to have fun with it and it just slipped out of my fingers and smashed all over and some of it got on my pants," he laughs.

Between two and five percent of men report experiencing premature ejaculation (PE), though the term isn't well defined. Generally it refers to an 'intervaginal ejaculatory latency time' - that's the period from penetration to ejaculation - lasting less than two minutes. But some men who ejaculate quickly don't see it as an issue and some who take longer than two minutes still think it happens too fast. In one Australian survey nearly a quarter of men said they believed they "came to orgasm too quickly."

Because it's not widely discussed, those who experience PE can feel a lot of shame.

"Embarrassment almost isn't the right word for it  it touched at a deeper place about self worth," Henry says. "It's more a crushing, 'I'm a terrible person and why would anyone wanna be with me?' kinda feeling."

Edit Horvath is an Auckland-based therapist specialising in sex therapy and relationship counselling. She sees a number of men about PE and erectile issues, and says an increasing number of her clients are younger men.

When it comes to treatment, Edit first looks into any potential biological issues that may be contributing, and teaches exercises which can help extend the time before a person ejaculates.

But she also spends a lot of time looking into her clients perception of the issue. After all, there is no universally accepted view of a 'right' length of time for sex, and sometimes the real problem is inflexibility in the way we view sex and physical intimacy…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Scholars and activists Ngahuia Te Awekotuku and Elizabeth Kerekere speak with Melody Thomas about what sex, sexuality and gender looked like in Te Ao Maori prior to colonisation, plus Rosanna Raymond shares a Pacific perspective, and we meet non-binary Auckland teenager Kahi.

Despite spending more than a year learning about sex, sexuality and relationships in Aotearoa - until recently, I knew very little about pre-colonial Māori perspectives on these things. I'd have more easily defined the indigenous North American term "two-spirit" than our own takatāpui.

For this episode of BANG! I spoke with scholars and activists Emeritus Professor Ngahuia Te Awekotuku and Dr Elizabeth Kerekere about why old stories illustrating diverse sexualities and gender expressions in Te Ao Māori aren't better known by all.

For most of the 20th century, the question of pre-colonial Māori attitudes towards homosexuality and other non-binary genders and sexualities had only one answer.

A typical comment came from the 1970s vocal psychiatrist L. Gluckman, as quoted in Sexuallity & the Stories of Indigenous People:

"Homosexuality in both male and female was unknown in early New Zealand. Sexual perversion in the modern Māori is culturally determined by current social, economic and environmental pressures."

This was mainstream view - Māori were free of "perversions" until they were introduced by Europeans.

But in the 1970s there was a challenge to that mainstream view.

In that decade, Ngahuia Awekotuku was one of two people to stumble upon the word "takatāpui" - an ancient term  defined as "an intimate companion of the same sex" which had fallen into a long period of disuse.

Takatāpui was reclaimed by Māori in lesbian, gay and trans communities in the 80s. In recent years its' definition has expanded to encompass all tāngata whenua with diverse gender identities, sexualities, and sex characteristics - similar to the way the word 'queer' is used now.

But for Te Awekotuku the word has greater significance: the fact that it predates European arrival in Aotearoa is a clue.

"In the world that existed before Tasman, Cook and the arrival of outsiders, I believe there was a really robust and vigorous and intense exploration of sexualities, and an acceptance of them," she says.

Te Awekotuku believes the arrival of European settlers and later missionaries, meant behaviours which had been entirely acceptable were suddenly cast in a deviant light.

"Whatever Christianity may have brought to the Māori world which was good and wholesome and proper and acceptable, it also brought a great deal of pain and a lot of judgement," she says…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

How do lesbians have sex? What's it like to be asexual? Or polyamorous? And how can a disability affect your sex life? Melody Thomas seeks answers from the people who know best.

In this episode Melody Thomas seeks the answers to a few "Frequently Asked Questions" - some that have been emailed or text in by you, and others that get asked a little too much.

One thing listeners have been curious about is asexuality - which BANG! listener Rosie volunteered to come in and talk about.

Ever since she was a young girl, Rosie had a feeling she was different to the kids around her. Where they were getting crushes and playing kiss tag, or later when people started to couple up in high school, she just didn't see the appeal.

"I would always miss the point of some things that were going on. There was always this little bit of obliviousness - there'd be some kind of in joke or somebody would've been flirting with someone and it'd completely pass me by."

At first Rosie assumed that those feelings would come later on. When they didn't, she began to wonder what was wrong with her. But growing up in a rural town before the internet got big, there wasn't a whole lot of information around about asexuality.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like hetero-, homo- and bisexuality. The simplest way to define an "ace" (the umbrella nickname for asexuals) is someone who "does not experience sexual attraction." It's estimated that about 1% of the population identify as asexual.

But many people, Rosie included, don't fit within the 'simple' definition of asexuality. So even when Rosie did finally learn about aces, the identity didn't seem to 'fit'.

"For me it's a lack of interest in anything physical, but the fantasy or conceptual element is there," she says.

Then two years ago, Rosie stumbled upon an article about "autochorrisexuality" - a subgroup of asexuality (also known as aegosexuality) where aces experience arousal and fantasies, but have no desire to take part in them.

Autochorrisexuals can:

Get aroused by sexual content but not actually want to engage in any sexual activity.

Masturbate but are neutral or repulsed by the idea of actual sex with another person.

Fantasise about sex but envision people other than themselves, or viewing it from a distance.

Predominantly or entirely fantasise about fictional characters or celebrities…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details