BANG!

'Toxic masculinity' is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot these days but a lot of guys seem not to like it... Maybe it's the 'toxic' part? In this episode of BANG! Melody Thomas takes a trip to a Coromandel pub to hear about 'Man Cards', gets some great metaphors from comedian and teen mentor James Nokise and trades weather burns and communication tips with psychologist Zac Seidler.

Warning: This episode includes explicit language, discussion of rape, suicide and mental health.

'Toxic masculinity' is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot these days but a lot of guys seem not to like it... Maybe it's the 'toxic' part?

People like Fox News host Tucker Carlson and Canadian psychology professor and "culture warrior" Jordan B Peterson believe masculinity is under attack. They (and many others) argue that efforts to deconstruct gender norms - you know, encouraging boys to play with dolls and girls to pick up trucks - are hurting men.

Modern men are lost, because they don't know how to be "men" anymore.

What is going on? Are men being exposed for the villains they have always been or are they being cast in that role before they even get the chance to show us otherwise?

What is masculinity? Is it changing? If it is, what new shape is it taking? And why is that so scary for people?

On the internet, we're shouting across a void, that's getting bigger and bigger, so the chances of hearing each other get less and less. 

How do we fix this?

In this episode of Bang! Melody Thomas takes a trip to a Coromandel pub to hear about 'Man Cards', gets some great metaphors from comedian and teen mentor James Nokise, and trades weather burns with Australian psychologist Zac Seidler.

Along the way she (hopefully) gets some answers.

Here is a list of resources for those seeking help:

Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357

Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.

Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7)

Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)

Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 (8am-12am), or email [email protected]

What's Up: online chat (7pm-10pm) or 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 children's helpline (1pm-10pm weekdays, 3pm-10pm weekends)

Kidsline (ages 5-18): 0800 543 754 (24/7)

Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254

Healthline: 0800 611 116

Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In this episode, Melody speaks with a couple of people in heterosexual relationships whose attractions are nevertheless far from straightforward.

"Alex" is straight but sometimes sleeps with men, Linda Jane and Eddie look like a straight couple but one of them identifies as queer, plus sex therapist Nic Beets and his daughter Lena helps us make sense of it all. 

If you're about my age - that's 33 - and you had parents who acknowledged the existence of sexualities other than straight, you probably grew up thinking there were three sexual orientations - homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual.

But more and more we're hearing sexuality described as "fluid". What does that mean? Can a person identify as 70% straight, or mostly gay? Can you start off life straight and then identify as gay or bi at different points throughout?

Or is the whole notion that sexuality can fit inside one tidy box or another completely outdated?

Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Nic Beets thinks it is, and welcomes the move away from allocating our sexualities to discreet boxes.

"It's really easy to judge other people when you don't know their experience so I would always caution against that... People are doing things sexually for all sorts of reasons and in all sorts of ways," he says.

People like Alex (not his real name), a Generation Xer and kiwi 'bloke' who identifies as straight, but whose personal history is far more complicated. He got in touch with me to share his 30-year experience of sleeping with other men.

Alex is only ever attracted to, and is only interested in establishing emotional relationships with women, but every now and then he gets the "urge" to have no strings attached, "base-level, animalistic sex" with other men.

And he does, by using a network of websites and known public places that put him "within a vicinity of other men with similar interests", and which he says many other men in straight relationships use too.

"There'll be people that you work with that'll just slip away at a lunch time, literally go and have sex, be back after lunch and the people around them will be none the wiser." he says.

Nic Beets says the phenomenon of ostensibly straight men sleeping with other men is well known by sexuality experts and academics, and that the practice is, "as old as humanity".

"In my understanding, straight men are doing this for sexual gratification because it's straightforward and easy and they don't have to pay for it. It's very much about "getting off"...  other men will give you the kind of sex you want." …

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In this episode, three people in their 30s and 40s talk about dating.

In the second episode of season two, Melody speaks with three people in their 30s and 40s about dating - including BANG! illustrator Pinky Fang, who faces a unique set of challenges when it comes to meeting someone new.

Pinky talks about blind dating, Ollie gives speed dating a go, Christie talk about dating while also trying to get pregnant, and Guardian columnist Jean Hannah Edelstein offers advice for dating in the wake of the Me Too movement.

Pinky is charming and funny, with killer style and a really beautiful dog.

If you met her for the first time, as I did, face to face in a well-lit room, you might never know she's also legally blind.

Pinky has a rare genetic disorder called retinitis pigmentosa - which causes a breakdown and loss of cells in the retina.

The degeneration is in the periphery of her eyes - "so basically I've got tunnel vision and it's getting more "tunnelly" ... the hole is getting smaller," she explains.

Another side effect of this type of blindness is that Pinky's eyes don't adjust to the dark, and at night she's completely blind.

At 31 years old, the last time Pinky was in the dating game, she says 'dating' wasn't really part of it.

"Growing up in New Zealand and in a small town, there wasn't so much dating as there was going to a party and getting drunk and hooking up with some guy. Dating has never really been a thing 'til semi-recently."

These days if you're 'dating' you're likely on Tinder, Bumble, Grindr or any one of the growing number of apps built specifically to bring people together.

But these apps can be a minefield of unsolicited dick pics and various iterations of the greeting "how u?"

Not to mention the hours of 'admin' that goes into messaging back and forth until someone bites the bullet and suggests a date - but for Pinky the process is especially fraught.

Before she even swipes on a person's photo, Pinky is looking at their picture trying to figure out if they might have stuff in common ("There's so many outdoorsy guys on there... I can't climb a f***ing mountain, I can't see!!"), if they'll be OK with her guide dog ("dog allergies are a deal breaker") and how they might respond when she eventually tells them about that part of herself.

"I feel like I'm looking at this person like 'Would they be weird about blindness?'... Like, how can you know? You can't."

When it comes to dating with a disability, issues around 'disclosure' can cause a lot of stress…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Melody Thomas is joined by Alex Casey, Leonie Hayden and Michele A'Court from The Spinoff's On The Rag podcast for a boisterous chat about their "sexual awakenings".

This episode contains frank discussion, the sexualisation of cartoon characters and a couple of swears.

In this bonus episode, she's joined by Alex Casey, Leonie Hayden and Michele A'Court from The Spinoff podcast On The Rag.

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Using real stories told by real people, Melody Thomas leads a frank (but often entertaining) exploration of sex, sexuality and relationships. In the first episode of season 2, people talk about their "sexual awakenings" and first times, and we explore the idea of virginity as a social construct.

In the first episode of the new season, Melody explores how people feel about their "sexual awakenings", what it was like "the first time", and asks if the way we talk about virginity is actually a little unhelpful.

"I'm going to know when you've had sex, so don't try to hide it from me."

I'm not sure how old I was when my Dad said this to me, but it's obvious now what he was trying to do - that by letting me know that he'd know,  I would perhaps be less inclined to follow the path of sexual temptation.

Unfortunately all it did was set me up for a double disappointment. I still remember coming home after "losing my virginity" and being astonished when he said nothing.

His threat (delivered with love, but a threat nonetheless) had led me to believe that once I had sex I would be transformed, glowing with womanly experience, that strangers on the street would high five me as I passed - but there was nothing.

Losing my virginity turned out to be an anti-climax in every sense of the word.

I first had had sex during my high school years - but if you didn't, and you felt like everyone else was, you might be comforted to know that most people don't have sex until later.

The Youth '12 survey, which drew on students from 91 schools around the country, found that only 25% of male students and 24% of female students reported ever having had sex.

New Zealand is a diverse place, and the ways people think about virginity vary depending on their cultural background, familial circumstances, sexuality and gender identity, and whether religion was a part of their upbringing.

When I spoke with people on the street about their "first times" I encountered some who were happy with how it happened, others who wished they'd waited till they were older, one trans person whose first time was anything but pleasant, and more than a few who talked about being nervous, anxious or "terrified". …

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In BANG! episode 7, Melody speaks to couples in their 60s and 70s about the different ways they choose to stay connected, Lesley Maskery discusses policy and practice regarding sexuality in rest homes, and we look to the future with Jenny Kleeman, on the ethics of sex robots.

In episode 7, Melody speaks to couples in their 60s and 70s about the different ways they choose to stay connected, Lesley Maskery discusses policy and practice regarding sexuality in rest homes, and we look to the future with Jenny Kleeman, on the ethics of sex robots.

To celebrate the release of the final episode of BANG!, Melody reflects on the many things she's learned during its making.

"These areas of our bodies were given to us for pleasure. Make the most of it."

I'm sitting at a wooden dining table with a sweet couple in their 70s. On my feet are the slippers they offered to me as I stepped in from the rain; in my hand a cup of their very good tea.

This couple been married for nearly 40 years and an outsider who stumbled upon the scene might assume we're talking about grandchildren, or gardening.

But we're talking about sex.

The gentleman tells me about his naturally high sex drive - a state that sees him "ready to go" in a moment given the right circumstances. His wife nods in agreement. Sensing a sexual energy between them that I'm not sure how to deal with, I joke nervously: "Would you like me to leave?"

"Oh no," she says, "We've already done it."

He looks at her fondly and adds, "We knew you were coming!"

This interview is in the final episode of BANG!, but it was actually recorded fairly early on - and the mental image of this seemingly-innocent old couple getting it on wasn't one I was prepared for.

The entire reason for making the podcast was to normalise conversations about sex and sexuality, but the project came from a place of curiosity rather than expertise. Early on, there was a whole lot of faking calm in the face of shocking or embarrassing situations but surprisingly soon I got to the point where nothing really phased me.

It was a baptism of fire. In episode 1, I spoke to a childhood friend I hadn't seen in years about the time we showed each other our private parts in my treehouse…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode 6, Melody faces up to another awkward phone call, we learn about how intimacy is affected by life-threatening illness, visit an "adult entertainment store" and sex therapist Edit Horvath identifies some of the common issues faced by those in their 50s.

In BANG! episode 6 sex therapist Edit Horvath identifies some of the common challenges faced by those in their 50s, and we learn about how intimacy is affected by life-threatening illness. Plus Melody braves a "sex shop" to find out what's on offer for couples hoping to 'spice up' their sex lives.

She writes about that experience below.

Sex shops are a lot different now than the last time I visited one. For a start, they're not called "sex shops" anymore - staff preferring the term 'adult lifestyle store' because, as my Peaches & Cream tour guide Dan points out - "we don't sell sex".

If that's the case what they do sell is certainly sex-adjacent - everything from vibrators and dildos, to 'fleshlights', lube, porn DVDs and whatever you might need for a bit of entry-level BDSM. But there are no heavy curtains or dark corners - in fact the store is bright, neatly arranged and clean - a quick glance and you might think you were looking at a chemist.

"You're buying a product that you're basically putting in yourself, so it's gotta be clean and nice," says Dan.

Over half an hour Dan shows me around his shop, at my request focusing in on the types of things requested by or recommended to those in their 50s and early 60s hoping to 'spice things up'. He begins by showing me what a sex toy looked like 'back in the day', compared with today. The older ones are more closely modelled on male anatomy, aside from the bunny head growing out of the side, whereas these days female sex toys are much more streamlined, almost futuristic-looking, and are made from non-porous silicone so they don't harbour bacteria. Many are rechargeable "so they have a lot more power", some can even be controlled via smartphone - adding a tactile component to traditional phone or webcam sex, and one brand even has a clitoral stimulator that sucks- literally. Dan turns it on and urges me to put my finger up to it - sure enough, it latches on.

"They're a lot quieter than the older ones as well," says Dan, knowingly…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode 5, we hear from parents about how kids affected their relationships, clinical psychologist and sex therapist Nic Beets highlights some of the most common issues experienced by new parents and a couple share an unorthodox conception story.

In episode 5 of BANG! Melody Thomas explores the effects having a baby can have on sex and relationships. For its release, Gareth Hughes, Emily Writes, Laura Borrowdale, Nicola Willis and Gem Wilder share the one thing they wish they'd known about all this before becoming parents.

Gareth Hughes - Green MP

"The one thing I wish someone had told me was parenthood isn't a zero sum game so don't beat yourself up. I travel a lot for work and one of my parenting challenges has been a feeling of guilt I wasn't being as good a father or husband as I wanted to be. On the other hand, when I spent more time with my partner and kids I battled feelings I was failing at my job. It's easy to feel like work and family are in conflict but I know now it's not a zero sum game - you need to find a balance between being a present parent and real person at work."    

Emily Writes - Author 'Rants in the Dark'

"I was really worried about how my sex life would change after having kids - I'd hear horror stories of mothers who didn't want to have sex anymore. I'd seen couples break up and say they never had sex anymore. I was worried that would happen to us. My husband and I have always had really great sex - we know each other's bodies really well. After well over a decade together you just do. I was worried that we would lose what we had. And there was nobody saying it would be any different.

I was surprised that actually after kids sex has become even more important to us. It isn't just an outlet for pleasure anymore - it helps us when we are really tired to feel less overwhelmed, it gives us energy, and it brings us closer together. Banging is also a great way to end a pointless fight... of saying, "We are just tired and that's why we are arguing over whether it's going to rain or not today."…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode 4, we hear from couples about the ways sex and intimacy has changed over their years together, and Sex Therapy NZ's Helen Mounsey shares tips for couples wishing to stay connected.

In Episode 4 of sex and relationships podcast BANG! Melody Thomas speaks with couples about the ways intimacy has changed over their years together. To celebrate its release, Sex Therapy NZ's Helen Mounsey shares tips for staying connected long-term.

Maintain your couple time and social lives

"Prioritising couple time is hugely important... Even if it means saving your pennies to pay a babysitter for two hours. Just ensuring that you have a break where you have conversations that a) are not about children, b) are not about money but c) about us. Our dreams, who you are, how you are... and an opportunity to listen or be listened to.

It's important to have a social life. Couples who don't go out miss out on an opportunity to see their partner viewed by others... We see another aspect of our partner when they flirt or talk with another person... and we listen to how other people attend to them and respect them. It gives us another view on how we are together."

Balancing needs

"Most couples will reach a stage where their sex drives are different. It's easy to have similar libidos when you are new and fascinating to each other - but somewhere between 6 and 18 months, each other's annoying habits and differences can be a turn off...  acceptance, flexibility and candid communication will be necessary.

Problems can also arise from infidelities, differing parenting styles, work pressures, power imbalance, family demands and financial pressures. Left unresolved, they are likely to breed resentment - the most common reason for withdrawing from intimacy and sex. Sexual problems related to sexual performance can emerge... worry about lasting the distance (men) or finding arousal and orgasm elusive (both men and women) can be related to one of the above issues. And engaging in "mercy sex" in order to please a sulking partner will inevitably add to mounting disappointment and isolation. So seek help as soon as you can so these patterns don't become entrenched."

Share the work

"People go into relationships with unrealistic expectations around what happens when you have children. The fact of the matter is there are enormous changes and there are losses. In heterosexual relationships, the mother is totally invested in the care of the baby and... for men who find it difficult to step into place of being the father, there may be feelings that they are losing their partner to the baby…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details