It's been called "idealizing others" or "putting them on a pedastal". This is where a person perceives another to be much better than they are, including being perfect, being "the one", or having some kind of special meaning.  These are positive illusions

This habit comes from the young parts of ourselves that idealized parents, peers, and authorities.  This happens as a way to try to create safety and comfort anxiety, as well as eliminate doubt or uncertainty the child doesn't know how to navigate.  

In trauma bonding, this is doing excessively about a person's partner, creating massive illusions and disillusions in the relationship.

This is how we learned to navigate the lack of safe people in our lives - we created illusions of them.

This also leads us to giving them a lot of influence, power, and responsibility over us.  Often, we tend to look to people we've idealized for all the solutions and answers to our personal problems and challenges.  We look to be rescued.  And when they show up as the human being they are, we feel betrayed, dismayed, shocked, and disillusioned.

Often, that person hasn't done anything actually harmful or abusive.  In one experience from my life, the person had said no to me.  And that shocked me deeply.  Another person turned out they didn't like what I did.  

So, what do we do when this is happening?

1) Recognize and acknowledge to yourself that you may be idealizing someone, especially if you make them out to be perfect, flawless, or ignore their humanity in some way

2) Notice how your body feels around them.  Is there euphoria?  Do you feel swamped with admiration or affection?  Do you find yourself pushing away things that bother you or feel uncomfortable?  

3) Notice what expectations you are putting on them.  Are you expecting them to act a certain way?  Are you imagining them being or doing things a certain way?

4) Notice what fantasies are present.  Do this person bring you some kind of rescue?  Are they "the one" you've been looking for?  Are you finally going to get or have a specific result because they're in your life?

5) Notice if you're seeing them as a human being with limits, challenges, and a life of their own.  Often in idealization, we do not acknowledge that the other person is literally just a human being like ourselves.  

6) Begin to normalize the person by identifying with them as a fellow human being. See their limits.  Acknowledge things you may not like about them.  Acknowledge that they have no responsibility to your expectations or fantasies about them.  Start to visualize them as an equal to you.  You two are both human beings.  No more, no less.

7) Process your feelings of disappointment or hurt with a therapist or qualified mentor.  This will help you to start seeing others and yourself more objectively and realistically.

This starts the process of becoming more sober and connected with reality. Doing so empowers your ability to heal, to choose better relationships, and discover your own well-being and fulfillment.

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The Annual Enrollment for the Codependency Healing System is OPEN.  We're accepting 75 individuals on this 9-month live training journey in nurturing and increasing our individual and communal safety, connection, and individual worth.

Students will leave this journey knowing how to:

- Create and nurture emotional safety, relationship safety, and physical safety
- Identify and connect with compatible, safe, healthy people
- Recognize, understand, trust, and follow their own voice
- Identify, connect to, and embody their real worth
- Recognize and embody their personal power
- Heal their pain through reduction and resolution practices
- Increase their confidence and worth