Heal Your Codependency with Marshall Burtcher

 It will be essential, at some point, to admit to and embrace the authority and power you rightly, naturally possess to direct and govern your life.

You cannot exit codependency without this vital step, as it will keep you tethered to the power of other people's approval, rejection, disappointment, and agreement.

The anxiety of making your own choice, following your own path, even trusting yourself to choose what's best for you on a daily basis comes from tethering our personal authority and power to the approval and perspectives of others.

You don't trust yourself because someone else is being put in the position of authority by your mind.

Let's break this spell and put you back in charge of your adult life with today's episode! 

*** START HEALING BY JOINING MY HEAL FOR REAL WORKSHOPS

Join my monthly Heal For Real workshops where we explore a specific element of healing codependency and put into practice a solution for that element.  Click here to learn this month's topic and enroll:  https://workshop.freetheself.com

***

Connect with Marshall and his healing work here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com

How a therapist, coach, mentor, support community, or even yourself view codependency and codependents directly influences the outcomes, results, and transformation you experience (or don't) in that relationship.

This is why it is crucial you're aware of how prospective mentors, therapists, coaches, and so forth view and understand you and the topic you're working with.  

Today, I share how I view codependency and codependents.  This will help you make a more informed decision about if and when to join my work and allow me to lead you from codependency to your real worth, innate purpose, and satisfaction in your life. 

Listen in and let me know your thoughts in the comments!

*** START HEALING BY JOINING MY HEAL FOR REAL WORKSHOPS

Join my monthly Heal For Real workshops where we explore a specific element of healing codependency and put into practice a solution for that element.  Click here to learn this month's topic and enroll:  https://workshop.freetheself.com

***

Connect with Marshall and his healing work here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com

The Importance of Gains:

What is a gain?  It is a positive outcome we receive through a choice we make or a choice we do not make.  

An example:  I gained my peace of mind by not going back to the dysfunctional person.

Why does this matter?  Gains are the benefits we receive with a positive, healthy change.  If we let ourselves recognize and magnify the gain, it helps our body adapt and adjust quickly to the new state of affairs rather than linger in the yearning, seeking, or rumination on the positives of the other situation.

Gains can be determined by identifying:

1) What you gained with the choice

2) What you avoided with the choice


You can amplify them by:

1) Adding significance to the gain.  "Wow, I really did avoid more pain there.  That's really, really important to me and my well-being."

2) Adding praise to yourself: "Wow, I really did avoid more pain there. I am so proud of myself for doing that for me."

3) Allowing them to take up more emotional space in your body and experience than you normally would. Allow them to be bigger


The key to gains working for you is believing their inherent importance and worth and letting yourself FEEL them.

*** START HEALING BY JOINING MY MONTHLY WORKSHOPS

Join my monthly workshops where we explore a specific element of healing codependency and put into practice a solution for that element.  Click here to learn this month's topic and enroll:  https://workshop.freetheself.com

***

Connect with Marshall and his healing work here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com

Pain vs Your Story

Transformation of a person's pain-filled life to a joy-filled life is the journey of healing and becoming who you truly be.  

It has three Phases:  Survival, Healing, and Creation  

And in each of these, there is a work we do around identity and one's pain.

In the Survival Phase, the pain and the identity are the same.  "I am angry!"  "I am shameful!"  "I am unworthy!"  "I am invisible!"  

This creates the never-ending loop of painful outcomes that drive many of us to seek relief from these things through healing work.

Learn the gentle process I use and I take my students through to help end this painful pattern and find real peace and healing in today's episode!

*** START HEALING WITH MY 4-DAY CLARITY COURSE

Discover what codependency really is and get the two essential practices to help start healing the true cause of codependency in my 4-day email course, CLARITY.  Start now for free: https://join.freetheself.com

***

Connect with Marshall and The Healing Work here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com

Burden of Cause

What is the "burden of cause"?  

It is a term I use to describe believing you cause other people to treat you the way they treated you.  
When we are enmeshed this way, we will internalize people's behaviors as a reflection of some internal flaw or problem that we then must change. 

This leads us to believe that the other person will change, too, creating a potent fantasy that leaves us hurting, helpless, and confused.

Listen in this episode to learn how to detect if you're taking on this burden and how to shed it completely.

*** START HEALING WITH MY 4-DAY CLARITY COURSE

Discover what codependency really is and get the two essential practices to help start healing the true cause of codependency in my 4-day email course, CLARITY.  Start now for free: https://join.freetheself.com

***

Connect with Marshall and The Healing Work here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com

De-centering others and centering yourself in your life is *necessary*, not selfish.

It is about understanding what matters personally to you while setting aside other people's opinions and perspectives of what you should be centering in your life.

They are not the authority, and they do not live with the outcome like you do.

You are the authority.  You inherent the outcome and consequence of your actions.  Thus, you must center yourself if your life is to yield well-being, peace, satisfaction, or whatever else you desire to experience and feel.

Centering yourself means asking, "does this option take me where I want to go?"

It means saying no deliberately to things that don't take you towards the purpose you have chosen for yourself, even when it means ending commitments, disappointing people, or doing things others may not understand.

It means saying yes deliberately to things that do take you towards that purpose, even if it is scary, new, unknown, or you may initially fail.  

Centering yourself in your life is how you start experiencing what you want as something you have.

Learn how to do this in today's episode!


*** START HEALING WITH MY 4-day CLARITY COURSE

Discover what codependency really is and get the two essential practices to help start healing the true cause of codependency in my 4-day email course, CLARITY.  Start now for free: https://join.freetheself.com

***

Learn more about my work and upcoming courses and trainings here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com


THE CODEPENDENCY HEALING SYSTEM: Neglect and abuse left you with massive gaps in your life, especially in how you trust yourself, care for your needs, your relational skills, and the necessary experience to create expertise in these areas. This is the big work of growing into your adulthood.

Your ability to thrive depends on detecting and filling these gaps using real-time support, comprehensive training, and a living community to practice and experiment in.  The Codependency Healing System delivers this.

Only 100 students are admitted annually.

Enrollment opens July and February each year.
 
Get details here: https://chs.freetheself.com

Knowledge overwhelm is a primary factor in experiencing freeze, procrastination, and loops of stagnation when you're trying to heal from trauma and instability.

The mind's ravenous appetite for knowledge is driven by a fantasy that "if I'd only known better, I could have done better".  There's a deep assumption that we're lacking something specific and when we find that specific thing, we will HEAL! 

What makes this so compelling is that it isn't necessarily wrong.  But it is also not useful when you're bombarding yourself with 567869 view points, much less never really internalizing the knowledge into experience (which is where change actually occurs). 

I know this well. I've done in my own healing, as well as with business, marketing, relationships, book writing, computers, IT work...

This is why I have 224+ books on healing and relationships. 

This is why I spent 10s of thousands on various trainings and memberships.  

Always seeking the "missing piece that makes it all work."

Is this sounding familiar? 

Learn how to get out of this trap and start actually succeeding in your healing in today's episode!

*** START HEALING WITH MY 4-day CLARITY COURSE

Discover what codependency really is and get the two essential practices to help start healing the true cause of codependency in my 4-day email course, CLARITY.  Start now for free: https://join.freetheself.com

***

Learn more about my work and upcoming courses and trainings here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com


THE CODEPENDENCY HEALING SYSTEM: Neglect and abuse left you with massive gaps in your life, especially in how you trust yourself, care for your needs, your relational skills, and the necessary experience to create expertise in these areas. This is the big work of growing into your adulthood.

Your ability to thrive depends on detecting and filling these gaps using real-time support, comprehensive training, and a living community to practice and experiment in.  The Codependency Healing System delivers this.

Only 100 students are admitted annually.

Enrollment opens July and February each year.
 
Get details here: https://chs.freetheself.com

Going Slow - It Is A Must

To heal, we must sloooooow down.

To know ourselves, we must sloooooow down.

To find direction in our lives, we must slooooooow down.

Codependency, trauma, and the culture of "productivity" demands you speed up.

You get it done now.

Faster! Faster! FASTER! 

Healing, thriving, having a sense of self, liking yourself, loving yourself, loving others, feeling satisfaction - these all come from first slooooowing down.  

Slowing down helps us hear our own voice.  It helps us step out of the patterns of reaction that re-create the pain we're trying to escape.  

Slowing down helps us build real safety, real connection, and know ourselves better.  

Slowing down helps us hear, helps us respond, and helps us heal.

Learn how to gently let yourself slow down - just a bit - to accelerate your healing.

*** START HEALING WITH MY 4-day CLARITY COURSE

Discover what codependency really is and get the two essential practices to help start healing the true cause of codependency in my 4-day email course, CLARITY.  Start now for free: https://join.freetheself.com

***

Learn more about my work and upcoming courses and trainings here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com


THE CODEPENDENCY HEALING SYSTEM: Neglect and abuse left you with massive gaps in your life, especially in how you trust yourself, care for your needs, your relational skills, and the necessary experience to create expertise in these areas. This is the big work of growing into your adulthood.

Your ability to thrive depends on detecting and filling these gaps using real-time support, comprehensive training, and a living community to practice and experiment in.  The Codependency Healing System delivers this.

Only 100 students are admitted annually.

Enrollment opens July and February each year.
 
Get details here: https://chs.freetheself.com

Being neglected, being abused, being shoved into the world without guidance, care, shelter, or protection wired our attachment systems to be on high alert and braced for danger.

Depending on what feels safest, your attachment system may try to control external things, resulting in anxious attachment.

Or it may choose to avoid the threat all together and be needless and "independent", creating avoidant attachment.

Or, if you're like me, you might experience high levels of anxiety about approaching what you need and strong desires to run away and avoid it, causing you to freeze, and likely fawn.

This is because we did not have the essential protection to explore the world, ourselves, and learn how to relate and care and advocate for ourselves.

This changes today.  Learn in today's episode how to start becoming the protector of the parts within you that need that, and your next step in cultivating real, actual safety in your life.

*** START HEALING WITH MY 4-day CLARITY COURSE

Discover what codependency really is and get the two essential practices to help start healing the true cause of codependency in my 4-day email course, CLARITY.  Start now for free: https://join.freetheself.com

***

Learn more about my work and upcoming courses and trainings here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com


THE CODEPENDENCY HEALING SYSTEM: Neglect and abuse left you with massive gaps in your life, especially in how you trust yourself, care for your needs, your relational skills, and the necessary experience to create expertise in these areas. This is the big work of growing into your adulthood.

Your ability to thrive depends on detecting and filling these gaps using real-time support, comprehensive training, and a living community to practice and experiment in.  The Codependency Healing System delivers this.

Only 100 students are admitted annually.

Enrollment opens July and February each year.
 
Get details here: https://chs.freetheself.com

Emotional Perfectionism, Part One:  Making sure you feel the "right" things, not the real things

I define emotional perfectionism as the rigid habit of feeling what one "should feel" in order to satisfy the real or perceived expectations of others.

It is a sub-type of General Perfectionism, where behaviors and expressions are tailored to meet external expectations. This is a codependency behavior designed to help procure safety, belonging, and worth.

Emotional perfectionism shows up as:

- Ignoring what you actually feel and forcing yourself to feel differently about something 

- Saying you feel one way, but you actually feel differently

- Showing up a particular way so others won't be upset or bothered in some way

- Shutting down your feelings and putting on a "happy face"

- Trying to heal your emotions so you feel the "right way"

What is actually needed:

- Meeting ourselves as we are

- Understanding and seeing our emotional experiences as how we feel about the thing/circumstance/experience

- Believing that what we feel isn't wrong and doesn't really need changing.  It needs to be known and valued as it is

- Sharing what we feel in clear, kind, direct ways with people that receive it with warmth

- Letting ourselves breathe emotionally



A tool:  ALI Practice:  https://ali.freetheself.com



*** START HEALING WITH MY 4-day CLARITY COURSE

Discover what codependency really is and get the two essential practices to help start healing the true cause of codependency in my 4-day email course, CLARITY.  Start now for free: https://join.freetheself.com

***

Learn more about my work and upcoming courses and trainings here: https://links.freetheself.com

***

Course Links:

FOUNDATION: To exit the survival phase of codependency and enter real healing and creation, you must develop emotional safety, social belonging, and independent self worth. I call these the Three Necessities, and they are what causes your body to start advocating instead of functioning from codependency.  You cannot have peace, freedom, healthy relationships with these solidly in place.

Foundation guides you step-by-step in creating real emotional safety, belonging, and self-worth over 15 weeks.  If you're ready to be done with the pain, shame, and chaos codependency brings to your life, start here.  

Get details and your seat here: https://foundation.freetheself.com


THE CODEPENDENCY HEALING SYSTEM: Neglect and abuse left you with massive gaps in your life, especially in how you trust yourself, care for your needs, your relational skills, and the necessary experience to create expertise in these areas. This is the big work of growing into your adulthood.

Your ability to thrive depends on detecting and filling these gaps using real-time support, comprehensive training, and a living community to practice and experiment in.  The Codependency Healing System delivers this.

Only 100 students are admitted annually.

Enrollment opens July and February each year.
 
Get details here: https://chs.freetheself.com